


Our Own Little Piece of Happiness

by tigerstriped24



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, CONCACAF, Dating, Disney World, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/F, Family, Fluff, Found Family, Friendlies, Hurt/Comfort, Jazz Music, New York, Nightmares, PTSD, Portland, Proposals, Soccer, Therapy, USWNT, World Cup, puppy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:40:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 65
Words: 197,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24035209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerstriped24/pseuds/tigerstriped24
Summary: Tierna is a rookie on the national team, and she’s feeling a little lost. Carli Lloyd and Hope Solo are taking on motherhood in an unconventional way. Lindsey Horan, Becky Sauerbrunn, and Allie Long all do their best to nudge Tierna in the right direction.
Relationships: Ashlyn Harris/Ali Krieger, Hope Solo/Carli Lloyd, Lindsey Horan/Tierna Davidson, Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 274
Kudos: 431





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first work ever. Take that as you will.

I found myself sitting in the locker room, one cleat untied, the other in my bag. I had completely zoned out for all of Morgan’s speech, and had only been brought back to reality by the feeling of Carli’s hand on my knee. I raised my chin, just barely enough to see the quizzical look she was giving me. I could tell by her single raised eyebrow that I’d have questions to answer on the way home.

After finding out that I’d been kicked out by my parents for being gay, and not making enough on soccer to get an apartment by myself, Carli had taken me in. She lets me pay rent when I get sponsorships, but makes sure that I know that I’ll have a roof over my head even if I don’t. 

Carli realized that I had zoned out again and had started putting some of my things in my bag before patting my knee again to bring me back to the moment. Pulling my other cleat off, I smile at her before realizing that if I don’t put on a brave face pretty quickly, that she’s going to want to have a long conversation about this later.

I rush to put all of my things together so that we’re at least not the last one’s left in the locker room. I stand up from the bench and start walking to the car, waiting for Carli to follow. She waits until she know’s that it’s just us in the parking lot.

“Davidson, I think I’m worried about you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter!

The car ride home was a very long twenty minutes. Carli had asked if I wanted to talk in the car, or when we got home. To buy myself some time, I went with the latter. I knew that she could tell that I was upset, and I know that she won’t fall for any bullshit lies. So I sat there trying to think of what to tell her. I couldn’t tell her what my parents had said when they’d told me I wasn’t welcome at home anymore. I can’t tell her that I don’t feel like I have a place on the national team. I can’t tell her that my girlfriend from college, my first love, had broken up with me because I’ve been so sad lately. However, I also don’t want to lie to the team captain who has been my saving grace. So as I unbuckle my seatbelt and get ready to go sit down with Carli, I decide that I’ll just say that I’ve been unfocused.

I trail behind Carli through the front door, keeping my head low. She stops in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen, asking me silently whether I’d rather talk at the table or on the couch. I set my bag on the coffee table in front of the couch and look back to Carli, asking if the couches are okay. She clearly thinks nothing of it since she sets her bag down on a nearby chair and sits at the other end of the couch, positioning her body towards mine.

“speak” is the only word that leaves Carli’s mouth before she expects me to explain whatever it is that she’s expecting to hear. 

I run a hand through my wet hair before I look at a single point on the coffee table and mutter out a frankly-quite-weak “I’ve just been a little unfocused lately.”

I resume looking at the coffee table, but I can feel the heat of whatever look Carli is giving me. At this point I brace myself. I prepare myself for two things, a long speech about how she’s disappointed, or to get yelled at. What I had not expected was for her to be so... so nice.

“I know that, but I want you to tell me why. You know that you’re not obligated to spend time with me while you’re living here, but you’re always either cleaning, which you’re not required to do, or you’re in your room. Alone. You don’t ask to have friends over, and you don’t leave the house except for training and games. I know that you can’t possibly be okay after everything you’ve been through. You’re still a kid and you’re living in a new place, with new people. You’re parents did the worst possible thing any parents could ever do to their child. You act like a burden everywhere you go. You walk on eggshells around me and the rest of the team. And I can’t speak for them, but I’m telling you that I hate it. I hate that something is bothering you, so can you please tell me what it is so that we can work on fixing it?”

I can tell you that out of the two things I had been expecting Carli to say, that came completely out of left field. My thoughts were running a mile a minute, bouncing from idea to idea as to what to say to make this go away. I was overwhelmed so overwhelmed that I hadn’t even noticed that I was crying.

Carli moved next to me, brushing a stray tear away with her thumb. Looking up from the floor at her, I can tell that she knows she’s overwhelmed me, but that she’s still going to wait for an answer. 

I realized that I didn’t quite know how to tell her because I couldn’t find the words to tell myself. In this moment, right now, it feels like everything is wrong. Carli’s arm is now wrapped around my shoulder, and I contemplate letting my head fall too her shoulder before deciding against it. Realizing that she’s still waiting for an answer, I continue looking at the ground and let out a weak “I don’t know how to say it.” 

Hearing myself say that, I almost break into a sob. I try my best to contain my tears but I haven’t cried in months, despite feeling like this most of the time. With one hand she gives my shoulder a little squeeze and with the other, she tucked a piece of hair that’s getting in my eyes behind my ear. 

“I know you’re overwhelmed T, so how about this? You start by telling me one thing you’re feeling now, and why, and then I’ll let it go for the night. Okay?”

Not having the energy to conceal anything anymore, I tell her the truth. “I feel like a burden. I can barely make car payments, most months I can’t pay rent. You even drive me to most practices and even insist that I eat some of your food since I can barely afford groceries. I can’t do anything to help besides clean, and stay out of the way, so I try to do that as much as humanly possible.” I answer honestly.

I turn my body away from Carli, looking down at the floor, humiliated. 

“Come here.” Carli says, and pulls me into her lap before I even have time to panic. I’m really crying now. It’s been so long since I’ve had human contact like this, that I unconsciously nuzzle in a little bit. I know that Carli can tell this, because she presses a quick kiss to my hair before putting a hand on my knee.

“When I checked on you when you didn’t come to practice a month ago, and I found you in your hotel room in tears, I knew that I was willing to do anything to make it better. You know that I would take in all 22 members of the team if I had to, but when I found you, I wasn’t just ready to take you in, I was ready to do whatever it took to make this better. I know that you have a hard time with living here, but listen to me when I tell you that I want you here. I care about you as a player, and as a person. You don’t have to shutter yourself away in your room because you’re worried about bothering me! In all honesty, I was a little worried that you had a problem with me because of how little time you wanted to spend with me. You don’t have to clean, really you don’t. We’ll talk about this again soon, but I want to be sure that you hear me before I let this go for tonight okay? Can you tell me that you know that I want you here?”

I was too tired to fight it, so I just nodded, hoping that it would suffice.

“Words please T. After you say it, we can watch a movie and I’ll order food okay?”

I scramble to get the words out. “Y-you don’t have to do that, it’s okay. I can just go to my room. I know you care about me. It’s okay. I’m okay, I promise.”

I can’t quite figure out why Carli winces at that. 

“I’ll take that for now. But as long as you’re comfortable with it, I want to spend time with you tonight. Please watch a movie with me?” Carli asks.

Still unsure, I try to scramble off of Carli’s lap, feeling a bit too much like a child to be comfortable with it. Carli allows it, but pats the spot next to her motioning for me to cuddle up to her. Being too tired to fight it, I move over. Even laying my head on her shoulder.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a vague idea as to where this fic is going, but if you guys have ideas, let me know.

I woke up fully clothed, on top of my bed, covered by a throw blanket from the couch. Remembering what happened last night, I realize that I must have fallen asleep, and that Carli must have carried me to bed. The pang of guilt deepens. Carli has been nothing but wonderful to me, and last night I gave her reason to worry. And I fell asleep on her. 

I sit up, wipe my eyes, and reach for my phone. I check the weather before getting dressed for the day. With full running attire on, I make an attempt to sneak by Carli, who is sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast. Before I have a chance to slip out the front door, I hear her put her fork down with a little extra force than usual. That’s Carli for “Turn around, your attempt to sneak by me has been unsuccessful.”

“Going for a run?” she asks me in a surprised tone.

“I wanted to get in a few miles before practice today, since I don’t have anything else going on.” I reply truthfully.

“Can I come with you? I’m already dressed for it, I just have to grab my shoes.” She says in a way that lets me know that she’s not asking for my permission. 

A few minutes later, Carli and I are running by a park filled with kids at what looks to be a kickball game. I know this, because I’m choosing to make eye contact with anyone other than Carli. The embarrassment from last night still feels fresh, and I don’t want to risk another meltdown.

At four miles Carli stops dead in her tracks, having been silent the whole way here.

“If we don’t head back now we’ll be both too tired, and late to practice.”

“I suppose it would look bad if a captain was late to practice.” I shoot back with a chuckle. 

Carli looks at me yells “Race ya!” and then takes off in a complete sprint. I drag my feet for a minute before sprinting after her.

Like a true midfielder, she beat me back to the house with flying colors. When I hit the driveway, I walk to sit next to her on the porch.

“Thanks for letting me come with you today.” she says with a true earnestness about her.

“Yea. It’s always nice having a running buddy.” I reply back a little slowly.

After that, I get up and go get ready for practice. I can tell that Carli’s confused by my decision to leave the porch, but she follows me to get ready too. Like a true captain, she rattles out items, asking me if I’ve gotten them for practice. I appreciate a lot of things about Carli, but this is one of the ones I enjoy the most. 

Bags in hand, I climb into the passenger seat and let Carli drive to practice. Usually she turns on some music and we sit in silence, getting ready to go into practice mode. Today, she feels like talking.

“Talk to me.” She says after a long silence.

“What about?”

“Anything. I just feel like talking to you.” She replies back again.

I have to truly wrack my brain to think of something. I think about apologizing for last night, deciding against it, leaving her no opportunities to bring up my recent moods.

“What do you think about the starting eleven for next weeks game?”

Luckily, she decides that this is an acceptable topic of conversation. We spend the rest of the ride talking about the upcoming friendly against Germany. 

Arriving at the field, Carli and I climb out of the car and walk together before being spotted by O’hara. O’hara runs to meet us, and immediately starts going a mile a minute. Carli humors her, but I go quiet. I can tell that Carli’s eyeing me, but I turn my head away and let Kelley distract her.

Stepping onto the field, making last minute adjustments to pre-wrap, I look around at the team. Ertz, Dunn, Sonnet and Horan seem to be having a dance competition. Heath and Press are laughing with Pugh. The goalies are all congregating, looking more serious than everyone else. As I look around at everyone, I realized how lonely I felt standing parallel to the goal line by myself. 

When I hear Vlatko’s whistle blow, I shake it off and run to meet him with the rest of the team.

Practice feels more tense than usual. With only the third friendly of the season coming up, everyone is still focused on ironing out details. I can’t help but feel detrimental to the chemistry of the team. I read everyone as best as I can and try to copy all 22 of their different playing styles, but I only have two feet. I shake it out one more time before getting ready for the next drill.

Practice goes by faster than I thought it would. Vlatko gives a speech about team chemistry and the back line. I look around for Carli, almost wanting her to see that I’ve been present for the whole practice. 

I shower and put my bag back together faster than Carli does this time. I sit on the bench in front of the lockers, waiting for her to be done so we can leave. I spend a few minutes scrolling through twitter before I look up to find Carli talking to some of the other younger players. She’s a captain, so it’s her job to talk to them about their team performance, but she looks a bit peppier than she usually does when correcting them on technique or field positioning.

Eventually they all nod and Carli walks over to me. I raise a single eyebrow, to ask silently what that was about. Instead she just walks out of the locker room, expecting me to follow her back to the car, which I do. 

We’re ten minutes into the car ride before Carli says “Sam, Mal, Rose, Sonnet, and Lindsey are coming over for dinner tonight.” 

“Oh okay. I can go to the library or something tonight so you have the house.” I reply, confused as to why she wants to have dinner with the people she’s usually yelling at.

“No I thought you could be there. It would be good for you to spend some time with them.” She says back.

Suddenly I realize that she’s asked them over for me. Carli Lloyd is making an attempt to recruit friends. For me. My chest gets tight with anxiety for the coming dinner, and guilt for making her worry so much, that she’s decided to throw me a pity dinner. There’s a bit of hurt that she feels like she has to step in to make sure that I make friends, but I can’t be angry when I’ve made no attempts myself.

“You didn’t need to do that.” I say with a little too much hurt evident in my voice.

“Please give it a shot. You don’t spend time with me or anyone else for that matter. I know you’re lonely, but you don’t have to be.” 

“Okay” I say. Not feeling so sure, but willing to try.


	4. Chapter 4

Even changing clothes for this dinner feels exhausting. The thought of having people in the house sounds so tiring, but Carli is worried. If this is what I have to do to get her to not be worried, then I’ll do it.

As the doorbell rings, I realize that there’s a good possibility that not everyone knows that I’ve been living with Carli. I know that no one besides Carli knows exactly why I’m living with her. 

Carli is still in the kitchen, cooking something that she refused to let me help her with. Insisting that she was happy to do it and that I didn’t need to help with everything. I feel like an idiot as I realize that I need to answer the door.

I open the door to see Lindsey anxiously holding a bottle of wine, while Sonnet stopped doing a dance that she’s only slightly embarrassed to have been caught doing.

“Here.” Lindsey says as she hands me the bottle of wine.

I move out of the way, gesturing for both of them to come in. I take a look at the bottle of wine that I’m not old enough to drink. I chuckle a little bit knowing that no one on the team besides maybe O’hara drinks during the season, and even O’hara rations her beers.

I flash quick smiles at Sonnet and Lindsey while they take off their shoes. 

“Carli’s making chicken.” I say as a desperate attempt to fill the silence. They both look around before finding a place to stand in the kitchen. The doorbell rings again, and I find myself feeling lucky to leave the silent duo. 

I open the door to Rose, Sam, and Mal who have also carpooled. This time, the transition isn’t as awkward, because as soon as Rose sees Sonnet and Lindsey, they all scramble to catch up with each other. I find myself standing in the circle of mostly midfielders, but I don’t say anything. I can feel Carli watching me, waiting for me to say something. 

“I’m going to go set the table for Carli!” I say a little to brightly, like I’ve had a good idea. 

“Chicken’s almost done.... You should really talk to them.” She adds. 

“I don’t really think I’m their speed.” I admit quietly.

Before Carli has a chance to respond, the timer beeps, and Carli gets the chicken out of the oven. I move to help her get the vegetables, and Sam comes up to help Carli get plates. I move to get everyone water as the group slowly shuffled over to the table.

After everyone’s seated and full plates are on the table, everyone looks to Carli to see what to do next. Even off the field we all look up to her. We all watch her take the first bite before taking bites of our own and letting conversations ensue.

Rose talks about Wilma and a squirrel she chased this morning. Lindsey and Sam talk about the things their boyfriends have been doing over the past month. Even Carli and Sonnet are managing to have a side conversation about something that I can’t hear well enough to interpret.

After everyone’s taken at least a few bites, the conversation shifts to plans for the offseason. I listen to everyone’s plans for their few months of freedom in between seasons. Sam thinks she might get engaged. Rose has a trip planned with her family. Sonnet and Lindsey have a new sponsorship that they plan on doing adds for together. Even Carli is talking about a possible beach vacation. I start to zone out for a minute before being brought back to the present brutally.

“What are your plans T?” Sonnet says with a slight chuckle.

I stare blankly for a minute before realizing that I have to answer if I want this uncomfortable silence to go away.

“I’m not really sure yet.” I whisper just loud enough for everyone to hear.

Luckily enough, no one asks follow up questions. Sonnet continues picking at her broccoli before moving on to talk about some new fashion trend her twin is currently failing at. Lindsey brings up her Dads new promotion, which leads to Rose telling everyone about her Moms new jewelry hobby. This time it’s Sam that asks me a question.

“T what are your parents like? I don’t think I’ve heard you talk about them?” she asks.

I think about looking to Carli for help, but decide against it, instead forcing out a laugh from the back of my throat. 

“They’re pretty cool, they’re just really busy right now. I haven’t heard from them in a while.” I lie.

Technically it’s not a lie. I haven’t heard from them in a while, but not because they’re busy. I haven’t heard from them because they hate me. I feel myself spiraling at this. This time I don’t have to think about looking to Carli for help, she just does it.

“Alright everyone how about dessert?” She says moving to the fridge to grab some strawberries and light whipped cream.

I stay silent the rest of the night. It doesn’t take long for everyone to eat a few strawberries and then take a hint from Carli that it’s time to go. 

Sonnet and Horan leave first, thanking Carli for the meal before slipping out the door to Lindsey’s car. Sam, Rose, and Mal follow suite. Sam and Rose put their shoes on, say thank you and move to leave.

“Do you need a ride Tierna? There’s only one car parked in the driveway.” Mal asks with the best of intentions.

I think about my second hand Prius parked in the garage, and the mistake I’ve made by keeping it there tonight.

“No I’m alright. Thank you for asking though!” I reply, hoping that no one asks any follow up questions.

“How are you going to get home?” Rose asks, genuinely confused.

I look at the floor and quietly tell them that I’ve been living with Carli. A variation of “oh” can be heard from all three of them, but nevertheless they say goodbye one more time and leave.

I turn to look at Carli, with absolutely no notion of what I’m supposed to say. So I say the only thing I can say.

“I’m going to go to bed.”

“Tierna wait! Talk to me.” Carli says as I walk away.


	5. Chapter 5

I close the door, locking it behind me. My hair is in a ponytail, but I pull at the sides of my hair anyways. My heart might be going too fast, I know that my breathing is. I can hear the fact that Carli is yelling at me on the other side of the door, but I can’t make out the words she’s saying. 

I put my face in my hands and let my body slump down against my nightstand that’s acute to the door. My thoughts are going too fast for me to think about them. It’s all just panic. I hear Carli’s voice getting more desperate, but I can’t do anything to calm her down. I can’t do anything to calm myself down.

After a minute of her more panicked yelling, I hear her walk away. Part of me is relieved that she’s left, but another part doesn’t want her to go. 

My panic attack continues, but I’m suddenly aware enough to hear footsteps followed by the sound of a power tool. All the sudden it feels like I’m going to die, but I can’t move.

The drilling continues, until Carli pulls the door out of its frame, having taken the hinges off. My awareness is somewhat there, but I still can’t breathe, and I feel horrible.

I see Carli wince, but she doesn’t say anything. She just sinks down next to me. She shows me her hand before moving it around to my shoulder, making every attempt to not spook me. I don’t know where she’s learned how to do that, but I’m grateful for it anyways.

After a few minutes, Carli seems to realize that I won’t calm down on my own. She puts her hand out in front of mine, asking to hold it. I grasp it, unaware of what she’s doing.

“Squeeze my hand with your breathing, okay? Squeeze while you breathe in and loosen up when you breathe out. Okay? I’ll breath with you.” She says.

We breathe together for a minute and I finally find myself breathing, aware, and calm, but utterly wiped out.

“You can take as long as you need, but I’m not leaving until we talk about this. Okay?” Carli says, giving my hand a squeeze.

My paranoia tells me to tell Carli nothing, to just tell her that I’ve been extra worked up lately. But I want to tell her everything. I want to tel her about every. single. thing. that’s been bothering me. I take a breath and start talking before I even have time to think about what I’m saying.

“I’m sad. I’m sad that my parents kicked me out for being gay. I mean I’m fine with being gay, I’m just sad that I lost my only family because of something I have no control over. I’m sad about the ways that they’ve treated me over the years. I’m ashamed that I’m living with you and not paying rent. I’m ashamed about how much I’m burdening you. I’m sad about not being able to connect with the team. I don’t have it in me to dance with Sonnet, and I can’t tell them about my parents without being a bummer. I don’t have a boyfriend, and hell, I don’t even have a girlfriend anymore. No one likes me. Not my parents, not the team, not my girlfriend. The only thing that doesn’t seem to want to strike me down, is a damn soccer ball, and soccer balls aren’t people, they can’t love you. But it’s seeming like people can’t love me.” I spew out with tears running down my cheeks and nose. Wiping furiously at my face.

Carli doesn’t respond right away. She just sits for a minute, staring blankly straight ahead.

“I’m so sorry that your parents abandoned you. I’m sorry that they weren’t the parents you deserved. If I could change their minds and make them the parents that you deserve, I would. As for the rent, I know you’re ashamed, but you’re a rookie on the national team. Before you know it, brands are going to be fighting to sponsor you. I mean, even when you have that money, I won’t take it. But you won’t be broke forever. You’re 19, and finances are hard, but I promise that it will work out. It will. I know that dinner was a disaster. I’m sorry about that. I guess I thought that you would connect better with the people who are closest to you in age, but I don’t know why I thought that you and Sonnet would hit it off immediately at a dinner party. I promise you that the team will love you. As practices go on, and you build memories with them, you’ll find yourself feeling so close to them that you don’t know where you stop and they begin. And we can try bonding with other team members! Maybe Becky is more your speed, or Tobin and Christen! Or we could do whole team bonding. But I promise you that they will love you, and that you will love them. As to the girlfriend, I never met her, but based off of the way that it sounds like she’s treated you, I know that you can do better.”

Carli takes a pause and a deep breath, and I just try to keep up with what she’s saying.

“As your captain, I’m going to have to insist that you see a therapist. I know you won’t want to, but if you don’t do it voluntarily, I’ll have to tell the staff who will mandate that you see one in order to play. I don’t want that, and I know that you don’t want that. But I want to help you, Okay? So we have to options here. You can see the sports psychologist that’s for the team, or we can find you an outside therapist. Okay?” Carli says in a no-nonsense, but gentle tone.

“I don’t want to see the team psychologist because I don’t want the team to know. And I can’t pay for one outside of the team. Please don’t make me do this?” I stutter out weakly.

“There’s no shame in seeing a therapist. You know that at least half of the team has seen a one at some point right? O’hara saw the psychologist for a long time after her ankle injury. Rapinoe still sees an outside therapist. It’s not shameful, I promise. And as for money, if you don’t want to see the team psychologist, I completely understand. We can find you an outside therapist, and I can cover it. Before you argue, please know that I want to do this for you. I can help you some, but I don’t have the tools to give you all the help you need. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll support you every step of the way. Venting, calming you down, supporting you, I’ll do all of those things but I’m just not a therapist.” Carli says back.

“I-I don’t know.” I say.

“Is it the money?” Carli asks.

I don’t speak, I just nod.

“How about this. We’ll run the numbers, and I’ll let you pay part of it, okay?”

I hesitate for a minute, but give in and nod. 

“Thank you.” Carli says as she presses a kiss to my forehead.

I feel my mind start to pick up the pace. Anxiety running rampant. Carli must catch on because she’s raising a single eyebrow at me.

“What are you thinking about?” she asks.

I fidget with my hands for a minute before shyly looking up at her.

“I don’t want to go alone.” I admit.

“To therapy?” Carli asks.

I nod, and she gives my hand a squeeze.

“Don’t worry, I was planning on driving you there anyways.” She says.

I let out a sigh of relief. Then I just let myself sit there with Carli, and be loved. At least I think that’s what she’s doing.


	6. Chapter 6

I wake up the next morning with the knowledge that when I go downstairs, Carli will probably have a list of therapists to show me before practice. I take a deep breath, get my things together for practice, and make my way down to the kitchen.

“Morning.” Carli says with a smile, taking a sip of her water.

“Morning.” I reply back, scrambling through the fridge looking for my greek yogurt.

“I have a list of therapists to look at. I was hoping that we could pick one soon... You don’t have to meet any of them before the next game, but we should at least get you on a waitlist.” She says.

Called it.

“Can we pick one after practice? I’m just a little preoccupied with the game on Saturday.”

She nods, knowing what it was like to be a rookie.

The rest of the morning is quiet. Carli packs up her bag, and she lets me drive her to practice in my Prius. The ride is quiet, but she hums along to the radio when some of the throwback jams come on.

When we pull into the parking lot, I realize that I’ll have to face the guests of last nights dinner party. I sit in the car for a minute, mentally accepting this fact, before getting out of the car and jogging to the locker room with Carli.

Sam Mewis smiles at me while Vlatko explains the practice schedule. All is going well until we get to a tackling drill. I watch O’hara, and Dahlkemper make the tackle before it’s Dunn’s turn. She twists her leg in a weird way, and goes down hard.

Two team trainers run onto the field to assess the situation, and I feel Sauerbrunn come up behind me, putting a hand on each shoulder.

“I think you might be up rookie.” She says before walking away.

As I realize that I might be looking at my first starting position for the team, I feel a sense of excitement and guilt. I’m through the roof about the possibility of starting, but I don’t feel good about knowing that my opportunity is coming from someone else’s injury.

Crystal goes into one of the side rooms with two trainers and practice resumes. I try to pay extra attention to everything going on, to make sure that I’m as prepared as possible for Saturday. Before long, one of the trainers who was working with Dunn comes out to talk to Vlatko, who calls a water break to give her his full attention.

Vlatko doesn’t look panicked about what the trainer is saying, but he doesn’t look thrilled either. If he’s upset, he’s concealing it well.

When practice resumes, there’s little buzz about what might be wrong with Crystal. In fact, the rest of the practice goes pretty normally.

As practice wraps up Vlatko motions for me to come over. I jog to meet him, ready for news about Saturdays lineup.

“Crystal pulled her hamstring. It’s not serious, and if it weren’t for you, I would probably still start her on Saturday. However, to be cautious, you’re going to start on Saturday. Are you up for that?” He asks.

I nod emphatically. I’m happy to be starting, but also thrilled that Dunn won’t be benched for a whole season.

“Good. The only thing I’m really worried about, is your connection with the back line. For tomorrow’s practice, instead of participating in the whole team practice, I’m going to have you and Becky work together. I might have Harris work with you two as well. Does this sound alright?” He asks again.

“Yes sir. I’ll do my best.” I say in as serious a tone as I can manage.

Vlatko nods me off before motion for Becky to come meet with him, probably to inform her of tomorrow’s arrangements.

I do my best to shower and pack up my things without seeming too excited. I do my best to remember that I’m starting because one of my teammates is injured, and that this isn’t exactly a victory. Nevertheless, I make my way over to where Carli is standing by her locker.

“Ready?” I ask.

“Absolutely.” She says back, sensing my excitement.

She waits until we’re in the car to ask about the starting eleven. 

“So what’d he say?” She asks in a tone that makes her sound the more like a high school kid than a team captain.

“Dunn pulled her hamstring, and he’s starting me. I feel horrible for Dunn, and I have to work with Becky tomorrow, but I’m mostly excited.” I tell her honestly.

“Ah yes, the captain practice before the first start. It’s sort of tradition that before someone’s first start with the team, they practice with the captain of their position. Don’t worry, I have a feeling that you and Becky will get along really well. She’s probably more your speed than Sonnet was.” She says with a chuckle.

“Should I be worried?” I ask mostly as a joke, but serious enough that she’ll know to actually answer.

“No, Becky will be easier on you that I usually am on the attacking rookies before their first start. I don’t know whether she’ll want to work with you on mindset or technique though. If she wants to work on mindset, you don’t have to be shy with her. She’ll be good to you too. I promise.” She says.

That worries me a little bit.

“While we’re talking about it, do you want to discuss which therapist we should get you in to see?”

With that, all excitement fades. I remember that there’s a world beyond soccer, and that I’m not particularly happy with my place in it. Nevertheless, I nod and prepare myself for the coming conversation. 

“So, correct me if I’m wrong, but I would guess that our primary concern for getting you in to see a therapist is your depression and anxiety, right?” She asks. 

I nod, without taking my eyes off the road.

“Are there other things that you might want a therapist to specialize in? For example there are therapists that work primarily with gay youth, or adults. Or therapists that work with people who have abandonment and trust issues. Do you want someone who specializes in either of those?” Carli asks yet again.

I tell her that I don’t have a preference. 

“You can have an opinion you know? I won’t mind either way. I want to do this for you. To help you, okay?” She says in a tone of voice that sounds so honest.

“I guess someone who knows something about abandonment issues would be nice. Any of them are fine though” I say, still keeping my eyes on the road.

“So there are two that I found who specialize in abandonment issues. There’s Mark Johnson, who is a counselor, specializes in abandonment and trauma. Or there’s Maria Scott who specializes in both abandonment issues and lgbtq+ issues. Do you have a preference?” She asks.

This time I do have a preference strong enough that I’m willing to voice it.

“Do you think we could go with Maria?” I ask.

“Of course. I’ll book it online.” She says with a hint of relief in her voice.

The rest of the ride is mostly quiet. She asks me about scheduling for the appointment, but really we both know it’s just a formality. I only really leave the house for soccer, and she knows about every practice that I’d have to be at.

When we get home I go to change into pajamas before thinking about my plans for the rest of the night. Normally I would just read in my room until I wanted to go to bed, but tonight I decide to take my book downstairs to read on the couch. Carli is laying on the couch watching the news. She smiles at me as I sit down in the chair closest to the couch. I can tell that she’d rather be spending actual time together, but that right now she’s content to just sit in the same room together.

The news ends, and Carli gets up to leave, stopping in the door frame and turning to face me.

“Don’t stay up too late kid. You’ve got an important practice tomorrow.” She says before yawning and making her way to bed.

I smiled to myself, feeling more at home in this house than I ever have.


	7. Chapter 7

Carli has a dentist appointment this morning, so I get to drive my Prius to practice alone. As much as I appreciate Carli, it’s nice to have the space for a minute.

Putting my bag in the backseat and checking my mirrors, I turn on the radio before starting my commute to the field. I think about the drills Sauerbrunn might want to run, and whether or not Dunn will practice today. I hum along with the radio and decide on taking the long way to work. When Carli’s not around, I like to drive through the old victorian neighborhoods on my way to the field. Pulling into the parking lot, I take a few deep breaths before parking my car, and walking to the locker room. 

To my surprise, Christen Press waves at me, and then runs to catch up. Looking almost excited to see me.

“Excited for your first start?” She asks with a hint of enthusiasm.

“I’m excited, but a little bit nervous too.” I reply honestly. 

“If it helps, I didn’t think you were too far from getting your first start before Crystal was injured. With a little bit of time, it wouldn’t shock me if you and her were alternating starters. Good luck!” She says before running to meet Tobin who looks half asleep.

I make my way to the locker room, lacing up my cleats, before Sauerbrunn appears next to me.

“Almost ready?” She asks.

Instead of replying, I just scramble to get my cleats tied, and she laughs as I do it. Standing up from the bench, I wait for her to show me where we’re going, unsure of what this practice will be like.

She leads me through halls that I’m  
pretty sure I’ve never been through before. Not sure as to whether we’re going to the weight room, the field, or conference room, I just follow blindly. 

She leads me to a indoor mini field that I have never seen before. Sauerbrunn moves to grab a ball and pass it to me. I look up at her for some guidance as to what I’m supposed to do with it, and when it becomes clear that no guidance will be offered, I simply pass it back.

She takes the ball, moves up the field and shoots, putting the ball in the top left bin. I look at her completely unaware as to whether or not I was supposed to stop that shot. She chuckles at me while I do.

“You’re not used to just having fun, are you?” She asks with a single raised eyebrow.

“I guess not.” I say back rather weakly.

“You’re really stiff on the field.” Sauerbrunn stares blankly, and I just hang my head, unsure of what to say.

“What calms you down?” She questions completely seriously

I think for a minute before telling her that music usually calms me down.

“Try hearing music as you move with the ball.” She says before passing me the ball back.

I get in a good first touch, but then I feel even stiffer than usual. 

“You can’t hear it can you.” She states instead of asks.

I shake my head no, and pass the ball back.

“Can you whistle?” She asks hopefully.

I nod at that, knowing that in college, I had many roommates complain about my whistling habit before I eventually stopped.

“Whistle with it.” She says and passes me back the ball.

I take the ball and whistle as I get in touches. Finding a rhythm with it and moving better than I usually do. Smiling, I pass Becky the ball and wait to see what she does with it. She moves down the field to the other goal, whistling the whole time. Instead of shooting, she sends me a shockingly accurate long range pass.

“Try just hearing it.” She says, jogging back to meet me.

I feel the ball at my feet, and I focus really hard on hearing the rhythm while moving with it fluidly. After a few minutes, I pass Becky the ball.

“See if you can hear it while I move with it.” She states before taking off with the ball.

When Sauerbrunn has the ball, the rhythm changes, but I can still hear it. It’s still fluid, and I can still follow it. Sauerbrunn stops suddenly, placing a foot on top of the ball.

“You’re not nearly as stiff anymore.” she says.

I smile a little, knowing that she’s right.

We run some standard drills after that. She wants to see my long range passing and my crosses. After a while she asks to see my slide tackle. I do, but she manages to pull the ball away, leaving me on the ground. Instead of getting up, I just sit there. She must decide that it’s time for a break because she grabs two waters, tosses me one, and sits down next to me.

“I know that something’s bugging you.” She says before taking a sip of water.

“I know that Carli’s got it, but I want you to know that I care too. I’m here. Whether that’s someone to listen, or someone to call in the middle of the night to come pass a ball with. I can only imagine that at nineteen, the world feels like a big scary place, and I don’t want you to think that Carli is the only one who cares about you. I do too. We all do.” She says while looking at me fidget with a shoelace.

I try to will myself not to cry, and she must sense this, because she gets up and tells me that she’s going to go get Harris to run a few drills. I take a few drinks of water and compose myself before getting up to get a ball.

Harris and Sauerbrunn come back right as I put a shot into the top right bin. Harris slow claps. Sauerbrunn playfully smacks her. I just look down kind of sheepishly.

“Big first start tomorrow, huh?” Ashlyn says with the energy of a rookie, but the authority of a captain.

I nod, and wait for her to tell me what to do. She talks to Sauerbrunn for a minute, and then tells me that Sauerbrunn will play a forward, and I have to defend her. She barks orders at me from the goal line, all of which I find helpful. We practice for at least a half in hour, in which Sauerbrunn can only get two shots up. One of which Harris saves.

After a few more minutes, Dunn and Ertz appear in the doorway, just watching. I keep doing what Harris tells me to do, managing to steal the ball most of the time, and if not, at least block the shot. Harris can tell that I’m getting tired and asks Sauerbrunn if I can be done. 

“What do you think girls, is she ready for her first start?” Sauerbrunn asks to Dunn, Ertz, and Harris, all of whom scream in response.

Sauerbrunn hugs me without warning, and tells me to remember that she’s here, grabs my phone from my bag and puts her number in. Ertz and Harris leave, but Dunn stays behind. 

“You look great out there. You’re ready to start.” She says genuinely.

“Thanks. I just wish it wasn’t like this.” I say honestly.

“Ya know, I got my first start because a starter fell and hurt her ankle. I was thrilled but I felt so guilty. Looking back, I realize that there was no reason to be anything but thrilled. People get hurt, and that’s not great, but I’m happy that you get a shot to show everyone just what you can do. I promise.” Dunn says with a smile.

“Thank you. That means a lot.” I say as gratefully as I can.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.” She says grabbing her bag and turning to leave.

The walk to the car is a bit cold. I wish I would have grabbed a hoodie instead of opting for a tee shirt. k I get in my car and turn on the heat.

I sit for a minute with the car on, deciding what I want to do. Ultimately I decide to go to the store to grab some milk on my way home.

Pulling out of the parking lot, I turn onto the road that takes me to the nearest store. I turn on the radio and whistle along to an eighties song that Carli likes. 

Walking into the store, I grab some milk, eggs and apples before wandering through the home section. Walking past the throw pillows and rugs, I grab a throw blanket for Carli. The one on the couch always ends up getting taken to bed by someone. It’s the least I can do for the woman who’s been my heroine.

The drive to the house is short, but I can see that Carli’s car is in the driveway, and I curse myself for not telling her I was heading to the store before coming home. I walk through the door to find her sitting on the couch reading a book. I smile at her before putting away the food in the kitchen. Grabbing the blanket from the bag, I walk to the kitchen doorway and stop awkwardly. 

“I got you this. I figured that you could use another one since someone always ends up taking that one to bed.” I say, gesturing to the blanket on her lap. 

“Thank you. You know you didn’t have to do that. How was your practice?” She asked.

Having only half listened, I told her I was going to go put the blanket in the wash, which I do before rushing upstairs. I grab my headphones and desperately listen to music, feeling the weight of tomorrow’s game weighing on my shoulders. I feel my eyelids get heavy, and before I can help it, I’m asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any characters you guys want to see? Or situations? Let me know! Next chapter is friendly against Germany!


	8. Chapter 8

I wake up tangled in earbuds, to the sound of Carli yelling. I practically catapult myself out of bed when I realize that last night I fell asleep before setting an alarm. I open the door, racing past a very angry Carli to go wash my face and run a brush through my hair. Racing back to my room, Carli’s still standing in the doorway, yelling as I rush past her to change into sweatpants and a tee shirt.

Racing past Carli yet again, I grab my bag that I’ve left downstairs, rifling through it to make sure I have everything I need. Carli must have decided that yelling at me is useless, because she grabs her own bag and retires to the chair closest to the front door. I grab a banana and a power bar before running back towards Carli, shooting her a look that asks if she’s ready to go. She doesn’t say anything, she just gets up and let’s me follow her out to her car.

The ride is quiet. I expected her to yell some more, or to have a motivational speech on hand, but she just hums with the radio.

I zone out for most of the ride, only realizing that we’d arrived at the stadium by the click of Carli’s seatbelt. I follow her to the locker room, drowning in nerves. Admittedly, putting on the kit and the warm up shirt feels different when you know that you won’t be sitting on the bench the whole time. I double knot my cleats before making my way out to the field.

Horan and Mewis are passing a ball, and they silently ask me to join them by passing the ball to me. I kick the ball back to Mewis and warm up with them for while until Vlatko waves me over. 

I sprint to meet him, excited to hear whatever he has to say. He mostly tells me to read the form, but he also tells me to listen to Ashlyn, and warns me about a few of the German players. He asks me if I’m excited and I nod so hard that I must look like a bobble head. He pats my arm before smiling and walking away.

I warm up with Mewis and Horan again until the final team huddle, where Carli and Sauerbrunn both make speeches. As we line up for the national anthems, I spot Sonnet’s Mom before looking back at the ground.

The ref takes what feels like hours to blow the whistle. When the whistle goes, I watch Ertz to see where she’s going to put the ball. She passes it right to me, with a smile and a wink. I pass it right back to her.

The game goes pretty smoothly for the first half. I block two shots, earning smiles from Harris and Sauerbrunn. Tobin gets a header in during the forty third minute. When the ref blows the whistle for halftime, I remember that there are people in the crowd. All I had been hearing was Harris and the music.

I grab a water bottle and sit down on the bench for a minute before the mandatory talk with Vlatko and then the captains. Heath sits down next to me to tie her untied cleat, and says “Looking good” but leaves before I have the chance to thank her. I smile to myself before I make my way over to the team huddle that’s forming.

The second half starts out smoothly, but very quickly derails. The midfield is playing defense at the German goal, and Horan goes in for an ugly tackle that ends up taking down the German center forward.

The ref pulls out a red card for Horan, while the German trainers rush to the center forward.

The German limps off the field as opposed to being carried, and a very angry Lindsey Horan is ejected from the game. It’s the seventy second minute and I realize what this means for me. We’re now down a player, and I have to cover midfield.

The game resumes and I move up the field a little bit, trying to find a place in between left back and midfield. Ertz manages to steal the ball and pass it to Press who fakes out the keeper, and puts the ball in the back of the net. I watch the rest of the team crowd around her, but I just take a deep breath, feeling a little bit better about the 2-0 score.

Immediately after the game restarts, the Germans score. Both Sauerbrunn and Harris get a touch on it, but neither can stop it from hitting the top corner of the goal. 

I still feel good about the 2-1 score in the eightieth minute, but as we enter the attacking third I’m hoping for a two point lead again. Heath gets chased out of bounds and the ref calls a corner kick for us.

As Heath goes out to take it, Sauerbrunn motions for me to take the spot of a midfielder instead of defender. I watch Heath set herself up to take the shot. When it becomes clear that she’s going for the cross and not a pass, I watch the ball leave her foot, and I jump up going for the header.

As I deflect the ball off of my forehead, it hits the back of the net, flying right by the keeper.

I feel my heart stop and suddenly the entire team is on top of me. All I can do is look around. I find Sonnet’s Mom in the crowd again. I look for Carli on the bench, but I can’t find her. Even after the team gets off of me, I just stand there, completely still.

Sauerbrunn must realize what’s happening because she runs over to me, grabbing my shoulders.

“Whatever is happening right now, you need to put it on hold and finish out this game. You’ve got three minutes left, you think you can go for three more minutes?” She asks, turning to look at Vlatko to see if she needs to signal for a sub.

I snap myself out of it, knowing that I can play for three minutes before dealing with what just happened.

The game ends as quickly as it restarted. Harris makes one save, and we play one minute of extra time before the final whistle.

After I hear that whistle, I run to get water before sprinting to the locker room. I blankly nod, knowing that teammates are going to come congratulate me, and that if I want to leave, I have to play it off like everything is fine.

Vlatko comes in to congratulate the team before finding me. 

“You’re starting in the game after next. You were perfect in a role that no one should have to start their season with.” He said, referring to Lindey’s red card. He smiles at me and walks away, presumably to celebrate before going to yell at Horan.

After Vlatko leaves, I shower as quickly as possible and rush out to Carli’s car, grabbing the keys out of her bag, and sending her a text asking her to meet me out there after she’s done.

I can’t decide whether I want to trudge or sprint to the car, so I just walk. Unlocking the car, I throw my bag in the backseat and climb into the passenger's seat. Immediately burying my hands in my face.

I think about my goal. When Heath scored, she looked for Press and her family in the crowd. When Press scored, she looked up at the sky to celebrate with her Mom. I realize that my Mom will never see me score, and that she won’t want me to celebrate for her. I realize that the team wasn’t really happy that I scored, they were just happy that someone scored. My mind starts racing itself down this deep rabbit hole, so far in and so panicked that I don’t realize that Carli is at the car with Becky.

Carli knocks on the window of her own car even though it’s unlocked. Knowing that I can’t make this situation go away, I just lightly open my door, letting her know that she can pull it open the rest of the way if she wants to. She does, and before she talks to me, she tells Becky to get in the back seat and kneels down. She puts both hands on my knees, brushing her thumb back and forth over a burn on my leg. 

“Is it okay if Becky comes with us? We want to talk to you honey.” She says sounding more like a Mom than my own Mom ever did.

I don’t say anything. I don’t even look at her, I just nod. Carli wipes away one of the last stray tears I let fall before closing the door and getting in the car herself.

The ride is completely silent. No talking, no radio, no humming. Looking out the window, I realize that we’re not on our way to Carli’s house, but I’m too overwhelmed to say anything about it.

Eventually, Carli pulls into the parking lot of a big open field. It’s got a few picnic tables, bordered by trees with a walking path off to the side. Becky got out first, followed by Carli. I knew I should get out, but I just couldn’t, well, move.

This time it was Becky who opened the door and got down on one knee to talk to me.

“I know something is very wrong right now, but can you walk or do you need help?” She says in a way that doesn’t make me feel bad about myself. I feel my eyes well up before Becky puts a hand on my knee.

“Hey, don’t do that. It’s okay. Carli and I are here to help you and we’re just going to talk, okay? I’m going to help you stand up, and then I can help you walk to the picnic table if you need it, yea?” She says, following through, helping me out of the car.

The walk to the tables feels so long, but after playing a full ninety, I’m more tired than usual. We sit at the picnic table, Becky on my left and Carli across from me.

“I’ve been talking to Carli about you. You seemed off during practices, and Carli insisted that she was taking care of it, and I know that she is, but after today I just wanted to sit down and talk to you with Carli here. Okay?” Becky starts.

Knowing that I don’t have an option, I just nod.

“Carli told me that you’re going to see a therapist in a couple of weeks, which is good , but I still want to talk to you about what’s going on, and what we can do to help you okay?” Becky continues, and I just nod again.

We sit there in silence for a minute. I can’t tell whether they’re waiting for me to start, or just giving me a break, but either way, I appreciate it while it lasts.

“Do you wanna tell us what happened at your goal celebration?” Carli asks, knowing that I won’t talk unprompted.

“I just got overwhelmed by a few things.” I say, knowing that things that even Carli doesn’t know lurk in the statement.

Becky nods in hopes that I’ll continue, but Carli knows that I won’t.

“What were you overwhelmed by?” She says as a follow up.

I don’t want to tell them that it was a lot. I don’t want to tell them that I was sad that my parents weren’t there, or that it felt like the team was suffocating me in a way I was all too familiar with, and I didn’t want to tell them that it felt lonely. But I know that they won’t let this go until I offer up at least some explanation, so I pick the one that feels the least invasive.

“It felt lonely.” I say honestly.

Carli winces but Becky is confused. From that, I know that Carli hasn’t told Becky anything, which I’m grateful for, but I don’t want to have to explain anything more than I have to. It’s here that Carli takes over.

“I want to ask your permission for two things, okay? I think you’re really overwhelmed right now, but I think that you’re comfortable enough with Becky that would would be okay with me telling her about what’s going on with you, is that okay?” She says while looking at me for approval.

I nod miserably, feeling ashamed by my situation, but wanting to feel understood nevertheless.

“The second thing I want to ask you about” Carli continues, “Is weekly meetings with us. Becky and I already talked about this. As captains we’re concerned, but also, it's kind of a team tradition that every rookie gets what most of the teamcalls ‘team parents’. I think that Becky and I have more or less become yours.” 

Before Carli can continue, a stray tear falls. I miss my parents. Becky wraps her arms around me and catches the tear with her thumb.

“I know you don't feel it yet, but this team feels like a family. Let us be your family Tierna.” Carli says.

“Okay.” I say, feeling sad, but also buzzing, even at the thought of having a family.

“Okay, how about Carli drops you off, and then drives me back to the field to get my car?” Becky asks, looking at Carli.

Carli doesn’t answer, she just gets up and starts walking back to the car. I chuckle a little bit. She’s the only one who didn’t play a full ninety, but she seems just as tired as I do.

The ride home is short. Becky is visibly confused when we pull into Carli’s driveway and I get out of the car. I know that Carli will tell her about my living situation on the car ride back. Too tired to care, I unlock the front door and collapse on the couch, too tired to go sleep in my bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is Carli and Becky talking in the car! Are there people you guys want to see more of?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is from Becky’s point of view!

Tierna scrambles out of the backseat and into Carli’s house as fast as she possibly can. The minute Carli sees my eyebrows, she knows that she can either talk, or get asked more questions than she’d probably like. 

“She’s living with me.” Carli says.

“I figured that much out.” I say back.

Carli doesn’t say anything after that, she just puts the car in reverse and drives.

“You wanna start from the beginning, or is there a more pressing thing that needs to be addressed first?” I ask in a quizzical tone that lets Carli know that she has to talk.

“She was at Stanford, and she entered a depressive episode. It sounded like she was doing okay, but then her girlfriend broke up with her. She was so heartbroken that she told her parents about it, and instead of helping her out, they kicked her out for being gay.” Carli says with zero eye contact.

“She got drafted into the NWSL and onto the national team, but she's not making enough money to get an apartment yet. She doesn’t have any sponsorships because she’s a rookie, and rookie salaries are awful. Remember that time she skipped a practice while we were overseas in Spain? You and I flipped a coin to see who would check on her, and it was me. When I got to the hotel room. I-I just. She told me about her parents, but it was more than that. You could tell that this nineteen year old kid genuinely felt like there wasn’t a person in the world who cared about her. I didn’t even ask her if she wanted to live with me, I just told her that she was going to live with me. It seemed like the right thing to do. When she moved in, I thought she would get better. I guess I thought that she and I would become closer and that she would slowly feel the bond of the team. But Becky, she just stays in her room. She told me one night while she was in tears that she just wanted to stay out of my way. God. After that, she had a panic attack and locked herself in her room. I took the door out of the wall. I took the hinges out so that I could sit next to her. It got so bad that I told her she had a choice between seeing the team psychologist or a private therapist. She didn’t want the team to know she was getting help, but she doesn’t have the money to pay for a private therapist, so I’m paying for it. She needs it. What’s happening right now, isn’t working and I need her to feel better.” Carli says while almost crying.

I sit for a minute, not knowing what I had expected, but knowing that it wasn’t this.

“How does she feel about the team?” I ask.

“I invited all the younger players to the house for dinner one night, hoping that they would all just click. They instead asked about her parents and noticed that she was living with me. She’s skittish around everyone besides me, and I think she’s warming up to you.” Carli says in a tone of voice that’s a bit steadier than before.

“Do we do whole team bonding? Do we keep meeting with her as just the two of us? We could try having her spend time with small groups of players?” I say, purely thinking out loud.

“Whole team bonding isn’t a bad idea, but she won’t be herself for it. I think it’s a good idea to keep meeting with her just the two of us. The small groups could be good, especially if we started with some of the calmer players and gradually got her more comfortable with energy levels as high as Sonnet’s.” Carli replies after thinking about it for a minute.

“I just want to make this girl feel loved.” I say after sitting in silence for a minute.

“She’s been abandoned by the people who are supposed to love her unconditionally. She wants to be loved so badly, but she doesn’t know how to let herself be loved. The only time she doesn’t fight it is when she’s asleep. She gets nightmares a lot. She never wakes up though, so when I hear her struggling, I just talk to her and play with her hair until she looks peaceful again. One time she even reached out and grabbed my arm when I was leaving. The amount of things she can sleep through makes me check the fire alarm more often than necessary.” Carli says truly empathetically.

“How about this. We meet with her just the two of us for a few weeks, see what we can do to make her comfortable with just us. Then after she warms up a bit, we start her off with just us, Tobin, and maybe Christen. Nothing big, just a coffee, or something she’ll feel comfortable doing. After she gets comfortable with them, we can just cycle through the team, until she’s comfortable with everyone.” I suggest.

“That sounds like a good idea, I just wish there was more we could do for her.” Carli adds sadly.

“Carli I think you’re feeling more like a real parent than a team parent.” I say cautiously.

“I think that’s how I want it to be. If I could carry plthe weight she carries for her, I’d do it in a heartbeat.” Carli says with nothing but truth laced in her voice.

“We’re almost to the parking lot, so let’s just be clear. Captain meetings, then small group team bonding, plus therapy?” I ask.

“I think so. At least for now. I’m always going to keep thinking about what we can do for her, and if you think of anything let me know.” Carli says before stopping at my car.

I climb out of Carli’s car and into my own, thinking solely about the sweet, young, rookie who needs a little help, and a lot of love.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Tierna’s point of view!

A few days went by with no incidents. I sat on the bench for our Canada friendly, with Crystal starting, and Carli scoring a hat trick. I kept my head up in practices, and I spent most of my time alone in my room. I ordered a pizza for Carli and I to share after her hat trick though.

There are now four days until the appointment with Maria Scott that Carli set up. Every time I think about it I get nervous. Which is ironic, because therapy is supposed to decrease anxiety, not increase it. I don’t know why the idea of talking to her scares me so much, but if it makes Carli happy, I’m willing to do it.

Carli has seemed a little more distant but still involved. When she scored the third goal of her hat trick she ran to the bench to find me. She didn’t want to celebrate with the team, she wanted to celebrate with me. It’s getting really hard not to feel attached to her. I’ve been trying so hard not to feel attached to anyone after what happened with my parents, but you can’t not feel attached to Carli. Not when she’s done everything she can to attach herself to me.

I pull myself up out of my thoughts and into the world around me. I look around at the coffee shop I’m sitting in. It was my Dad’s favorite place on earth. It probably still is, but I guess I have no way of knowing. He used to order a large Americano with soy milk and then put one packet of sugar in it. When I look around, I see at least three people that bear a minor resemblance to him. It’s an odd little place that seems to attract Dads and teenagers just starting out with coffee. I take a drink of my greek yogurt smoothie and close my book, getting ready to go home for the day.

I get in my Prius and I buckle my seatbelt, but I don’t start the engine. I think I just like feeling both safe in a seatbelt, and still at the same time. After a minute, I turn on my engine and turn out of the parking lot, heading for Carli’s house.

The traffic is especially light for a Saturday evening. I feel more present driving than I have in a long time. I notice the oddly placed numbers on mailboxes, and the wreaths on doors. All of the houses on Carli’s street have some sort of quirk that adds character. Carli’s house seems to be the dullest one.

I pull into the driveway, on the opposite side of Carli’s car. Turning off the engine, locking my car and getting out my keys to let myself in.

When I open the door, Carli’s stretched out on the chair closest to the kitchen, looking up at me from the book she was reading.

“Where’d you go? You left without saying anything?” She says in a completely calm tone.

“I went to a coffee shop. Don’t worry though, the smoothie I had was greek yogurt, so it wasn’t as sugary as most smoothies are.” I say, hoping she won’t be mad about my breach of the team diet.

“You can have a smoothie if you want, god knows that Sonnet and O’hara treat the team diet like a light suggestion.” She says with a smile.

I grin at her, not knowing what to say, but not moving either.

“Got any big plans for the night?” She asks after a long silence.

“Nothing special. Are you up to anything exciting?” I ask back, hoping that after this I can retreat to my room.

“You’re looking at it. Unless you wanted to do something?” She says with a hopeful tone.

Thinking about the coffee shop, I ask her a question that I’m as surprised to be asking, as she is to be hearing it

“Where’s your favorite place?” I ask with a newfound urgency.

“What do you mean?” She asks, completely caught off guard by my strange question.

“Your favorite place? A place you like more than all other places?” I ask feeling a little stupid.

“The stadium where we played the world cup final in 2015, in Vancouver.” She says.

“Oh.” I say, letting a little more disappointment into my voice than I would have liked.

“But there’s a park not far from here that’s a close second…” She says, having sensed my disappointment with her first answer. “Do you want to go?” She asks me in a completely neutral tone.

“Oh, we don’t have to, I guess I just wanted to know.” I say, scrambling to find words and kicking myself for asking the question in the first place.

“No, we’re going. Let me just grab my shoes.” She says with a determination about her.

She sets down her book, and jumps up, heading in the direction of her nearest shoes. Knowing that there are at least a few soccer balls in each of our cars, I don’t move from where I’m standing, I just play with my keys. 

When Carli reappears in her favorite Nike’s, I give her the same look I always do before we leave the house, a double eyebrow raise, tilting my head ever so slightly to the right. She nods at me, knowing exactly what I’m doing. I toss her the keys to my car and she catches them with one hand, not even bothering to stop walking. I follow her out to my car, locking the door behind us.

The ride to the park is five minutes top. It’s just outside the neighborhood, next to a small strip of local stores. When she stops the engine, she replicates the look I gave her before leaving, asking me if I’m ready to go. I don’t even look back, I just get out of the car, making my way to the trunk to grab a ball.

She runs right past the playground, stopping in the middle of the field behind it. I walk towards her with a ball in hand, just waiting to see what she’s doing. She looks up at the clouds, seeming to just want to take everything in. She kicks lightly at the dirt, and turns around to look at me. 

I throw the ball to her feet in an embarrassingly inaccurate way, reminding myself as to why I’m not a goalkeeper. She juggles for a second, does a feint I’ve never seen before, and then passes the ball to me.

I put my foot on top of the ball, stopping it from rolling away, but I don't move to pass it back to her. In fact I just look at her. She seems to know what I’m doing, even though I don’t, because she looks at the ground and starts talking.

“After the 2011 World Cup, I used to come here a lot. Sometimes I would practice, but other times I would just sit on that bench over there and think. It just became this little place where I could just be. It was my own little sanctuary.” Carli says while looking around.

“I don’t know where my favorite place is yet. I kind of hope that I haven’t found it yet.” I reply, passing the ball.  
in

“What’s got you thinking about favorite places?” Carli asks me.

“I don’t really know.” I say, lying straight through my teeth.

“T, Who’s favorite place was the coffee shop?” Carli asks me in a more serious tone than she’s used yet today.

“It was my Dad’s.” I say honestly, and not in a happy way, but not in a sad way either.

“Must be some good coffee” Carli says, opting for the gentler route, rather than pressing.

“I think I’d rather be here with you than there with him.” I say honestly.

“I think I like that.” Carli says back with a smile.


	11. Chapter 11

This time, I wake up on time for game day, to my own alarm. I sit up slowly, taking a minute to wake up before deciding whether to hit the bathroom or the kitchen first. After a really long minute, my hunger wins out to my need to wash my face. Throwing the covers off, I make my way downstairs to find Carli sitting at the kitchen table eating broccoli at eight am.

“You know, not a lot of people could eat vegetables this early in the morning, but somehow you make it work.” I say, still very clearly half asleep.

“Well someone woke up in a good mood. Maybe you don’t need therapy, maybe we just need to have you in a starting eleven every day.” Carli says, reminding me that I have my first therapy session tomorrow.

“I forgot about that.” I say, now half asleep and dejected.

“That you were starting today, or that you have therapy tomorrow?” Carli asks neutrally.

“Therapy.” I say, not in the mood to talk anymore.

“Are you nervous?” Carli asks me gently.

“A little.” I answer honestly.

“The great thing about therapy, is that you can’t do it wrong. You just say whatever it is that you need to say, and she’ll listen to you and help you figure some things out. Okay? If you want, maybe I could go in with you for the first couple of minutes until you warm up to her. We can see how you feel tomorrow. Right now I need you one hundred percent focused on the game today.” Carli says, blurring the lines between team captain and team Mom.

“Don’t worry, I am.” I say while making myself a bowl of oatmeal. 

“Hopefully Lindsey won’t pull whatever shit she pulled against Germany.” Carli says, still appalled by what Horan did.

I don’t respond, I just chuckle and sit down at the kitchen table, almost fully awake. I take a few bites before thinking about the meeting I promised I’d do with Carli and Sauerbrunn, and how we’ve yet to have another one since the field. Then my mind wanders into a space of curiosity as to why Carli knows about so many different fields. I don’t think about it too hard as I finish my oatmeal. I get up to wash my dishes and get ready for the day.

For the rest of my game day routine, I just go through the motions. Get dressed, pack my bag, wash my face, brush my hair. It feels more tedious today than it did the last time I did it. 

Since I end up being ready early, I bring my bag downstairs and set it down next to the couch, where I lay down to read a book until Carli’s ready. I focus more on the sounds of Carli shuffling around than I do to my book. I always hear things more intensely on game days than any other time.

I turn the page just to have Carli shuffle down the stairs and ask me if I’m ready to go just a little bit early. Figuring that it was for her captain duties, I nod and open the door.

I let Carli drive today, however I’m somewhat curious about my choice when she turns the wrong way out of the driveway.

“Where are we going?” I ask, sounding more worried than I had meant to.

“Don’t worry, we’re just going to stop somewhere for a minute.” She says, putting her hand on my knee for a minute.

After a few minutes, I can tell that she’s taking me to the field that earned the title of her second favorite place, but I don’t know why. Content to just look out the window, I try to remind myself that Carli would never let us be late to a game.

When she stops the car, she just looks at me and says “Get out.” Which are words that I really don’t like hearing. But nevertheless, I open the car door and step out.

Carli gets out of the car and grabs something out of her bag before walking towards the field, not exactly sure of what to do, I follow her. When she finally stops, I notice that she’s got the captain’s armband in her hand.

“What are you doing with that?” I ask her, starting to seriously worry about what’s currently occurring.

“Put it on.” She says, holding it out to me.

“What do you mean? It’s not mine.” I say, feeling more anxiety build.

“Just take it and put it on. Just for a minute okay?” She says completely confidently.

I hesitantly take it from her, trying to put it on my right arm, but failing miserably. Carli steps in and helps me put it on, patting my arm afterwards.

“Why am I wearing this?” I ask.

“Because you’re the future of this team.” She says before pausing for a minute.

“I can’t give you this armband today, but you’ve proved that one day you’ll be wearing it.” She adds.

I feel myself tear up at this. I’ve been dreaming about wearing this armband since I was seven, but in all honesty, that doesn’t mean anything compared to the fact that Carli believes in me. I practically launch myself into her arms.

“You believe in me.” I say through tears, with my face buried in her neck.

“I believe in you.” She says, running her hand up and down my back.

We stay like that for a few moments. When I finally let go she grabs my forearms and says it again. I wipe my eyes and take off the armband, handing it back to her. She wraps her arm around my shoulder for the walk back to the car.

I fell asleep in the car, only waking up to Carli shaking my shoulder. 

“It’s game time.” She says in an attempt to coax me out of the car.

I open the car door only to stumble, falling and landing on the car. I looked over to Carli, who showed no signs of having seen my fumble, but I blush anyways, embarrassed of my sleepy antics. Carli and I walk to the locker room, ignoring O’hara who sprints past us for no apparent reason.

Sauerbrunn, O’hara, and Horan are the only ones in the locker room when Carli and I arrive. Sauerbrunn and Carli make their way to go talk about something captain-related, leaving O’hara, Horan and I alone to get ready. Horan smiles at me and changes for the game despite having two more games on the bench from her red card.

“I’d apologize for leaving you to cover midfield, but I’m pretty sure that you enjoyed your time out there.” Lindsey says with a sarcastic edge and a smile, referring to the header I had two games back.

“If anything I should be thanking you.” I say with a happy tone and a smile.

As more women start making appearances in the locker room, I feel my nerves set in. What if I don’t do as well as I did last time? What if my national team career has just been beginners luck? I got so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I didn’t even see Sauerbrunn sit down next to me.

“Kiddo, you’re thinking too loud.” She says, causing me to flinch.

“Sorry, just pregame nerves.” I answer honestly.

“You have nothing to worry about. I specifically told Mewis to not get a red card.” She says with a chuckle, putting her hand on my knee like Carli does sometimes.

“Thanks.” I say, with more deject evident in my voice than I would have liked.

“Is something bothering you?” Becky asks genuinely.

I shake my head no, causing Sauerbrunn to ruffle my hair, thoroughly messing it up before turning to leave. Deciding that I better go start warming up, I follow Krieger out to the field. 

I always forget that games aren’t just twenty three people on a field and a ball until I walk out onto the field on game days. The screaming amazes me everytime. I stop for a minute, looking around at everyone who’s come to see this team play. Most people scream for Carli, Heath, or Press. There are a few girls trying to get Krieger’s attention, but she’s busy chasing a long ball that Ashlyn passed her.

After realizing that I was just standing in the tunnel, I moved to do warmups down the side of the field. After my muscles felt warm, I grabbed a ball, starting to do ball warm ups. Finishing a juggling volley, I see Carli walk out onto the field with Becky. Knowing that it’s probably time for the anthems, I put my ball back and wait to be told what to do.

The team huddle is short, Vlatko says a few words before passing it onto the captains who say even less. I keep my head down, but listen to everything that’s said. We disperse, just to shake hands with the ref, and line up for the national anthems. The American anthem plays first, hands over hearts all-around, however the Thailand anthem gives the star spangled banner a run for its money. I must be swaying too much because Mewis smacks my forearm discreetly as if to tell me to knock it off.

The first half of the game goes about as well as anyone would expect. I block two shots, earning nods from Naeher, who’s been suspiciously quiet. Rapinoe takes a corner kick that lets Ertz put a header in the back of the net, and Press scores from the six, faking out the keeper.

The whistle blows to end the first half and I make my way over to Carli who’s been holding midfield. She’s holding her water bottle and sitting on the bench looking more confused than anything.

“Thailand throwing you for a loop?” I ask, confused as to why she’s not happy about the game.

“Hope is here.” She says, in a blank, neutral tone.

“Uh yea, I guess. We’re up by two so I think we’ll be fine.” I say, confused as to why she’s talking about hope when we’re winning. Carli chuckles at my reaction.

“Hope Solo.” She says, with a light grin that looks kind of sad.

“Hope Solo is here??” I ask, trying to mask the excitement in my voice, but failing pretty miserably.

Carli points to Hope in the crowd before walking away. I look up at her with awe. She’s wearing a Lloyd jersey and jeans, wearing sunglasses to at least try to blend in amongst soccer fans. I don’t know why I’m so shocked to see her. I knew when I joined this team that I would meet, and even play next to some of my childhood heroes, but seeing Solo still has me buzzing on the bench.

I see the starting eleven start to gather back up, letting me know that it’s almost time for the second half. I try to forget that Solo is here as I take my place on the field.

The second half is just as successful as the first. Carli puts the ball in a top bin within five minutes of the second half, and is followed by a Mewis header. I can tell that Naeher is happy about the clean sheet in the seventy fifth minute. She makes a save and throws the ball right to my feet. I pass to Mewis who assists Lavelle.

The rest of the game is quiet. When the ref blows the final whistle the entire stadium erupts with joy. Naeher is happy about her clean sheet, the fans are happy about the 6-0 win, and Vlatko is thrilled with his winning record with this team.

Carli leaves the field first, looking to shower and give a speech to the team. I follow her, just happy to have won. Most of the team follows close behind, only a few left on the field talking to the media. I shower and change into my sweatpants, ready for the team huddle. About five minutes later everyone is circled up ready to listen to Vlatko and Carli.

“You did everything right. You put the ball in the back of the net, and you didn’t allow them to do the same. I could not be happier about this game.” Vlatko says, smiling excessively.

“We went out there and we did everything we could. Good job guys.” Carli says, seeming much less excited than just about everyone else in the room. 

Within thirty seconds the locker room population has almost completely cleared out. Carli appears at my side, looking pale and tired.

“I have to talk to Hope before we go. It should only be a minute.” Carli says, looking at the ground.

I don’t even have time to reply, Hope Solo is leaning on the door to the locker room, looking directly at Carli. My eyes go wide, ecstatic to be in the same room as the legendary keeper.

“Hey kid. You played well.” Solo says confidently.

“Mind if I steal this one?” She says to me, pointing at Carli.

I shake my head so hard that I strain my neck.

“I-I I’ll go wait in the car.” I say, leaving Carli and Hope to catch up. 

———————

“Hope what the hell are you doing here?” I say, unsure as to whether I want to yell or cry.

“I wanted to see you.” Solo says, looking at the ground before looking up at me.

“When you made your departure from this team, you said that it was over between us. That it wouldn’t work with me here and you wherever the hell you’ve decided to go.” I spew, with tears starting to brim in my eyes.

“I was wrong.” Hope says. “I love you.” She says.

“Don’t say that if you don’t mean it.” I say, letting a stray tear fall. Hope takes one step towards me  
before wrapping me up in her arms.

“I mean it. I know I messed up, but I don’t want to do this without you. At least let me take you to dinner?” Hope whispers into my ear, pressing kisses to my hairline in between words.

“Okay.” I say, not having the energy to say anything more. Hope let’s me go, taking one step back, but holding onto my hand.

“I don’t have anywhere to go. I took a cab here from the airport.” Hope admits quietly.

“You can come home with me and the rookie. I’ll catch you up at dinner.” Carli says, leading Hope to the car.

Tonight was going to be a long night.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is from Carli’s perspective!

We brought Tierna home, explaining the bare minimum about the situation. I didn’t tell her that Hope’s exit from the team was as fresh as her place on it. I didn’t tell her that when Hope left the team, she left me and our two year relationship. Hope and I said that we needed to catch up and that we would talk to her more after dinner, which is what I fully intend on doing.

Now I’m standing with Hope in her borrowed dress in the lobby of a fancy restaurant, waiting to sit down with the girl that I can’t help but continue to feel is the love of my life. I can feel her pinky finger brushing across mine, asking to hold hands, but recognizing the fact that it’s not something she just has the right to do anymore. Unable to fight the urge, I grab her hand in mine and look at her. She smiles before disappearing into her own head again, probably planning whatever it is she has to say.

When the host comes to get us, I let go of Hope’s and follow her to our table. Hope pulls out my chair like a true gentlewoman. I sit down, smirking at her classy move, and watch her sit down across from me. Our host informs us that our waiter will be with us shortly before disappearing back to the front. Hope and I sit in the silence for a minute before acknowledging that at some point, someone has to talk.

“So you got on a plane with no bags packed, and came to the game without calling?” I ask matter-of-factly.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call, I know that having people you know in the crowd is nerve wracking for you. I didn’t know I was coming to the game until I was buying a plane ticket, wearing your jersey.” Hope says genuinely.

“Why did you come?” I ask, leaving no room for anything but a direct answer.

Hope looks at me and then looks down at the table, fidgeting with her ring nervously.

“I know that I shouldn’t have left. I was hurting from leaving the team, and I felt like running. It was the wrong choice. The minute I left, I knew that I was making a mistake, but I needed time. I didn’t call because I didn’t want to show up in your life until I knew that it was where I was staying for the rest of mine. So for the sake of truth, I’ve come to be with you if you’ll have me.” Hope declares with not a single trace of fear, but as much vulnerability as a person can offer.

“You know we have to talk about this before we make any decisions.” I say with full knowledge that there are very few things that she could say that would make me not want to be with her.

“Where do you want to start?” Hope asks, completely ready to put in the work to make this end up alright.

“You’ve been gone for six months. Would you mind telling me what you’ve been up to?” I ask.

“I traveled for a little bit. I went to Italy for a few weeks to spend some time by myself. When I came back, I moved in with my sister. I coached a high school soccer team close to her house. We lost in the final. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I want to be now that I’m not going to get to play soccer for the rest of my life. I did that all the way up until today when I realized that I don’t care what I do without soccer, as long as I’m doing it with you. So I bought a plane ticket, I put your jersey on, and I left.” Hope says with earnestness.

The waiter comes to take out orders, smiling at us both. Hope orders pasta while I order a salad, obeying the team diet. She laughs at me and my loyalty to the team and it’s ridiculously rigid diet. I laugh a little too.

“Am I allowed to ask what you’ve been up to? Besides the usual hat tricks of course.” Hope asks with caution.

I think about telling her how for the first few weeks after she left, I ran eight miles everyday, not having anything else to fill the time with. I think about telling her about the behind the scenes aspect of the national team and what’s happened since she’s left. Not wanting to make her feel more guilty than she already does, I decide on telling her about Tierna.

“I finally became one of those team parents.” I say with a laugh, acknowledging that I’ve always thought that the idea of team parents was a little bit dense.

“Hope you should see what this girl can do with a ball. She’s the most promising rookie we’ve had since O’Hara.” I add, not knowing how to tell her about the more personal aspect of the space Tierna and I take up in each other’s lives.

“You may think she’s talented, but clearly there’s a lot more there than just that.” Hope says, knowing that I’m not telling her the whole story.

“She skipped practice one day while we were in Norway for a tournament. Since she was a rookie, Becky and I flipped a coin to see who had to go check up on her. I um. I found her crying in the bathtub fully clothed. Her parents had found out she was gay and kicked her out. She was living in her car because she didn’t have the money for an apartment. I didn’t even ask her if she wanted to move in with me, I just told her and she didn't argue. She’s got her first session with a therapist tomorrow. She’s a really great kid but she’s got a lot of things working against her. I needed her to know that the whole world wasn’t working against her. We don’t spend all that much time together, but the more time I spend with her, the more attached to her I get. She’s still a little skittish around me, and she’s scared to death of upsetting me, the team, just about everyone in her life. I just want her to know that she’s loved.” I say, knowing that Tierna could probably use someone like Hope in her life.

“She sounds like a fighter.” Hope says, waiting to see if I’m going to say more.

“Hope I need you to know that if you plan on being in my life, you need to plan on being in hers too. She’s my team kid, but the more time I spend with her, the more she becomes my kid. If you plan on sticking around, you have to stick around for her too.” I say, almost in tears by my sudden declaration.

“I don’t know her, and I’m not going to pretend that I do, but if she means that much to you, then I can’t imagine that I won’t feel the same.” Hope says before taking a sip of her water.

Before I have the chance to reply, the waiter brings out our food, looking overwhelmed with the busyness of the restaurant. He sets the food on the table and makes a nice remark before scurrying off to another table

Hope takes a bite of her pasta, and smiles at me from across the table. I smile back at her, happy to be eating dinner with the girl who is without a doubt the love of my life.

“Be my girlfriend.” Hope says.

“What?” I ask, only slightly shocked by Hope’s choice at phrasing it as a statement instead of a question.

“Be. My. Girlfriend.” Hope repeats.

“Damnit Hope. How am I supposed to say no to that?” I ask.

“You’re not.” She says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Okay.” I say.

“Okay.” She says.

“I booked movers to pack up all my things and move them here. Should I give them your address?” Hope tentatively asks with fear laced in her voice.

“Hope I love you, but until Tierna feels comfortable around you, you can’t move in with us. Just rent a place that will rent to you for one or two months. Just super short term until you two have bonded a bit.” I say, knowing that Hope still has to prove to me that she’s in this for the long run.

“I’ll look at apartments tomorrow while Tierna is in therapy. Could I come and spend time with you two after that?” Hope asks excitedly.

“Probably. I don’t want to say yes just in case it goes poorly and she needs the night to recover. But if she’s okay with it, then I’m okay with it.” I tell her.

Hope smiles at me, making me almost forget that she even left in the first place.

“Let’s pay the bill and get out of here. I’ll drive you to your hotel.” I say, ready to end the night after this exhausting, yet wonderful day.

Hope pays, tips well, and gets up, grabbing my hand and pulling it up to kiss my knuckles before holding it at her side. For the first time ever, I think about the idea of Hope, Tierna and I being a happy little family.


	13. Chapter 13

Sitting at the table eating oatmeal isn’t usually anxiety provoking, but I can’t think of a single thing that wouldn’t stress me out an hour before my first therapy session. Carli has yet to make an appearance, but she sleeps in on our few days off of training.

She had come back from her dinner with Hope last night to tell me that she and Hope had dated in the past, but that after lots of thought, she and Hope are going to give it another go. She asked me if I was okay with that, and how I felt about it. Truth be told, I have no idea how I feel about it. I didn’t really know that I had the right to feel anything about it. I told her that I was happy for her but that I didn’t really know. She told me that I’d love her, which was definitely an overwhelming thing to hear at eleven pm after your ‘team mom’ had just come back from a date. I guess we’ll just see how it goes.

I pull myself out of my thoughts and move to shower and get dressed for my appointment. I walk by Carli’s room to make sure that she’s at least awake by now. She’s sitting up in her bed typing on her laptop. I grin to myself and go to get ready. 

After showering and getting dressed, I grab my book, waiting until the absolute last minute to go check on Carli to see if she’s ready. After reading a few pages, I check the time and realize that if I don’t go check on her now, I’ll be late. I tap lightly on her door that’s now closed, waiting for her to tell me it’s okay before opening it. She’s rushing around, brushing her hair and apologizing for losing track of time. 

“Carli it’s okay, it’s not the end of the world.” I say with a giggle.

“Are you ready? You grabbed your ID and your health insurance card right? You’ll need both of them.” She says, still clearly flustered. I pull out my wallet, double checking that they’re both there before showing them to her.

“Okay. Let’s go.” She says, making a beeline for the front door.

Carli practically jumps in the car, not even waiting for me to buckle up before pulling out of the driveway. I fidget nervously with my hands, watching the mailboxes go by. I feel my chest tighten with anxiety and I let my head hang low.

“I’m scared.” I admit at a volume almost too low for Carli to hear.

“Honey, it’s going to be okay. It might not be comfortable ko k, but I promise you that you’ll feel better. And I can go in with you, remember? It’s going to be okay.” Carli reassures me, relocating her right hand to my knee.

I feel better with this. My chest still feels tight but my breathing evens out. I watch the cars out the window, feeling as ready as I'll ever be for this. 

Carli pulls into the parking lot, stops the car and turns to look at me, looking more alert than she has all morning. She doesn’t say anything, she just gives me the look that silently asks if I’m ready. Knowing that I don’t have a choice, I nod and turn to get out of the car.

There’s a dog, sitting on top of the front desk. For some reason, I immediately feel a little better with a scruffy little dog making eye contact with me. The man behind the desk smiles and asks me if I have an appointment. I tell him my name, and that I have an appointment with Maria Scott at one o’clock. He nods, clicks a few things on his laptop, and tells me to have a seat.

My leg won’t stop bouncing. Carli notices it and grabs my hand, not saying anything, just holding my hand. We spend a few minutes like this before a tall woman appears in the hallway next to the front desk.

“Tierna Davidson?” She calls, looking around, not exactly sure of who I am. 

I let go of Carli’s hand and stand up, looking at Carli to make sure that she’s following us back to the room. Maria leads us through the second doorway on the right before telling us both to have a seat. 

“You’re her mom?” Maria asks, looking at Carli.

“No, not really.” Carli says while blushing.

Maria raises a single eyebrow, not exactly sure what Carli could mean by that, but neither Carli or I offer any explanation. 

The first half of the session is easy. I sign papers as Maria explains confidentiality and other rights I have as a client. She tells me that I can sign a release of information for doctors or my parents, or anywhere else I’d want her to be able to talk to. I let my head drop a little when she mentions parents. 

“You could sign one for her to talk to me. If you want to..” Carli adds suddenly, the first half of the statement much more confident than the second.

I let more shock show up on my face than I intended to, but I grabbed the paper, signing my name, before handing it to Carli for her to sign. Maria watches us with great interest, not exactly sure about the dynamic she’s looking at between us. Carli hands her the paper after signing it and we both look to Maria for some sort of instruction as to what happens next.

“Do you want to tell me a little bit about why you’re here?” Maria asks with a little bit of caution.

I look at Carli, not sure how to start. She smiles encouragingly at me, telling me that it’s okay to talk to her.

“I guess I’ve been struggling lately. My parents cut contact off with me about six months ago because I came out right after my ex-girlfriend ended things with me. I’m a rookie soccer player on the U.S women’s national team, and I don’t make enough money to get an apartment, so I was living in my car until Carli asked me to move in.” I say, looking back and forth between Maria and Carli.

“Can you tell me more about what you mean by ‘struggling’?” Maria asks.

“Um. I-I don’t know. I guess I just feel sad, and lonely. And I feel like a burden a lot, if that makes any sense.” I say while fidgeting with my hands.

“Carli, you two have been living together, this is correct?” Maria says, turning to Carli.

“Yes, she moved in with me about five months ago.” Carli says a little too seriously.

“Can you tell me what you’ve noticed about Tierna during that time?” Maria asks. 

Carli turns to look at me, silently asking for permission. I nod lightly, not thrilled with the situation, but happy to be doing something that makes Carli feel better.

“Well. I’m actually captain of the U.S. women’s national team, so very early on I noticed that something was going on in her life. The first time I definitely knew that she was struggling was when I found out that her parents had cut her off. After that she moved in with me and immediately started isolating herself. She’s started spending a little more time with me, but she doesn’t leave the house unless it’s for training or games, and she doesn’t have anyone over. She has panic attacks, and when she gets really sad she moves a little slower than usual.” Carli says looking at her lap, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone in the room.

“Tierna, do you feel that’s accurate?” Maria asks me.

“Yes.” I admit quietly.

“Tierna, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to ask Carli to step out of the room to get to know you a little better. Would that be alright?” Maria asks. 

I’m not happy about it, but I nod anyways. Carli stands to leave, and Maria says something to her before closing the door behind her.

“Alright Tierna, now that Carli is gone, I want to ask you about what’s already been said. First of all, are you still okay with her having a release of information? If you terminate it now, I won’t even be able to tell her that you’ve terminated it, everything will stay between us.” She says.

“No it’s okay.” I assure her.

“In that case, I’m assuming that you do actually agree with what she said about your behavior over the past six months?” She adds.

I nod again, feeling nervous.

“Well we’ve still got about twenty minutes left in the session. Do you want to talk about anything we’ve addressed so far? Or we could spend the time just getting to know each other? Maybe a combination of both if you’d like?” Maria asks while looking at her watch.

“Um, maybe both?” I ask her.

“How about we play checkers. Every move comes with a question. Anything goes, so you can ask about something we’ve brought up so far, or you can just ask me something about myself, and vice-versa.” She asks, but really states.

I nod again while she moves to get the board. She sets it up on the coffee table between us while I fidget with my hands. She hands me all of the black checkers while setting up the white ones on her side. I set them up, happy to have something to do with my hands. When we finish setting up, she moves her first checker forward.

“What position do you play for soccer?” She asks.

“I’m a defender, a left back specifically.” I reply, relieved that she didn’t ask me a harder question.

I move my first checker forward, thinking about what question to ask.

“Why did you decide to become a therapist?” I ask after careful consideration.

“I had a therapist who really helped me when I was younger. I figured that I would pay it forward.” She replies naturally.

“What’s living with Carli like?” She asks after moving another piece on the board.

“Um it’s nice. I feel bad about paying as little rent as I do, but I try to make up for it by cleaning and keeping to myself.” I reply.

“Earlier, Carli made it sound like she’d like to be spending more time with you, what do you think about that?” Maria asks, skipping over one of my checkers.

“I don’t know. I guess I just don’t want to get too attached to her.” I say honestly.

“What do you like to do for fun?” I ask after moving a checker forward.

“I paint a lot. I once had my work in a local gallery.” She replies, looking at the board, deciding which piece to move next.

“What did you mean when you said that you didn't want to get too attached to Carli?” Maria asks, moving another piece.

“It’s easier not being attached to people. I lived with my parents for eighteen years and after one statement, they decided that they wanted me out of their lives forever. What’s the name of the dog out front?” I ask after moving my piece, hoping that she won’t ask about what I said.

“Mitsy.” She says before moving a piece.

“Is regaining trust in your relationships something you want to do?” Maria asks.

“I don’t know. I think so. It’s lonely, but it’s safe. But maybe. What’s your favorite sport?” I ask after skipping over two of her pieces in a row.

“Baseball, big cubs fan. Tell me about your relationship with Carli.” Maria asks after moving a piece into the last row, making it a king.

“We live together. She’s my captain.” I say simply. 

“Not who she is in relation to you, what your relationship is like with her.” Maria corrects.

I think for a minute. 

“I’m not sure that I know. She’s nice to me, but I don’t know that I can call us friends. It feels..different? I’m not really sure how to describe it. I don't know what it is exactly.” I say, struggling to find words.

“Well, how do you two act towards each other?” Maria asks.

“Well, she lets me live with her. We eat together sometimes. She always believes in me. One time I had a panic attack and she took the door off of the frame just to sit next to me so that she could calm me down. She drives me to games and practices. She’s really, really good to me.” I say, feeling more confused than I had intended on feeling.

“It sounds like you two have a good relationship.” Maria says with a questioning tone.

“Yea. I think so.” I reply.

“You sound confused about what kind of a relationship it is though. Is that right?” Maria asks.

“I mean maybe a little. She’s not exactly a friend but I don’t know what to categorize her as. We’re definitely not dating if that’s what you’re asking, she’s more than ten years older than me and she’s got a girlfriend.” I say, rushing to make sure that she knows we’re not romantically involved.

“I know. I meant what type of platonic relationship. I think I’m going to give you homework.” She says narrowing her eyebrows in thought.

“What do you need me to do?” I ask, realizing that we had completely abandoned the game to talk.

“I want you to have a conversation with Carli sometime in the next week about what your relationship is, and what it means to both of you. Think you can do that?” She asks with a single raised eyebrow.

I nod, not excited about it, but okay with the idea.

“You’re scheduled for once a week for the next six weeks. So I’ll see you next Tuesday?” She asks while walking me back to the waiting room.

I nod, making my way towards Carli, who gets up and follows me out the door.

“How did it go?” She asks while getting into the car.

“It was okay.” I reply honestly.

“Do you want to tell me about it, or do you want me to leave it alone.” She says, fully aware that I might need space.

“What do you want to know?” I ask, knowing that with the homework I’ve been given, that I’ll have to tell her eventually.

“Well. What did you two talk about?” She asks slightly enthusiastically.

“She asked me about what position I play. She told me that she paints on the side. We played checkers.” I say, almost forgetting to tell her about the game.

“Who won?” She asks, letting her competitive side show.

“We didn’t finish the game. We sort of got.. Well sidetracked I guess.” I say.

“What by?” She asks cautiously.

“Well. You.” I say, without offering any explanation.

“Mind expanding on that?” Carli asks, sounding hurt. 

“Well she asked me about what our relationship was like. And I didn’t really know.” I say, feeling very nervous about where this conversation is going.

“What do you mean you don’t know, we live together.” She says, clearly not knowing how to react.

“I know we live together, but we’re not exactly just roommates. But friends didn’t really feel like the right label either. I just didn’t know what to tell her. She actually asked me to talk to you about it.” I say quietly, not wanting to hurt Carli’s feelings.

“Will you promise me that if what I’m about to say freaks you out, that we can talk about it, instead of you just isolating in your room?” Carli asks, which scares me to no end.

“Yes, I promise.” I say, hoping that I can keep my promise.

“You know that I've always cared about soccer more than I’ve cared about my personal life. The reason that Hope and I worked for so long was because we both knew that we were going to put soccer before each other, and we were okay with that. Even now, she knows that soccer is a loose first priority.” Carli starts

I nod, having absolutely no idea where Carli is going with this, but waiting to find out.

“Because of how I felt about soccer, I thought that I was giving up having a family. I won’t have kids while I’m still playing, and by the time I leave the game, it will most likely be too late.” She continues.

I nod again, feeling even more confused than I was thirty seconds ago.

“Tierna, when I found you in your hotel room, I knew that I didn’t ever want to see you hurt like that again. And with every minute I spend with you, I get a little more attached. There’s no easy way to see this. I don’t see myself as your team Mom, I see myself as your Mom. I want to come to your games after I’ve retired, and get you Christmas gifts. I want to kick a ball around with you at the park on our days off. I want to drive you to therapy and hold your hand in the waiting room because you’re nervous. I want to calm you down from panic attacks. I want to threaten your future girlfriends when you bring them home. I want to be someone that you trust. I want to be your mom.” Carli says, getting gradually more worked up with every word.

I don’t speak, I burst into tears.

I don’t know how to respond to people telling me they care about me. I’m so completely overwhelmed with an overload of love, I cry. I don’t even know if it’s good tears or bad tears, I just cry. Carli is frantically trying to talk to me while also watching the road, but I’m so overwhelmed by what she’s already said, that I don’t even bother trying to compute what she’s saying now. 

I cry for the rest of the ride, tears finally starting to slow down when we reach our neighborhood.

As Carli pulls into the driveway, looking panicked but having finally stopped talking, she stops the engine and looks at me for some sort of direction as to what she should do. I get out of the car and let her follow me through the front door. I wipe at my eyes a little bit before telling her something that I hope will calm her down for now.

“Well. I do think the position is open.” I say with a chuckle.

Before I have time to brace myself, Carli almost takes me down, wrapping me in a hug. I bury my face in her neck, finally having calmed down enough to have a conversation.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter has more Sauerbrunn, Hope, and the promise of Tobin!

We had both settled down on the couch, now just looking at different things in the room while waiting for the other to say something first.

“I don’t know what to say.” I admit, breaking the silence.

“How are you feeling? Are you mad, upset, hurt? How are you feeling about what I just said.” Carli asks while secretly hoping that I don’t feel any of those things.

“I’m having a hard time processing it. It’s not that I don’t like it. It’s just that I had parents for eighteen years who decided that because I’m gay, that they don’t want me. But you want me after less than a year of knowing me, and you’ve seen me cry, have panic attacks, and melt down. I don’t understand why you would want me like that.” I say honestly, waiting to hear Carli’s explanation.

“The first time I knew you were special, was when you blocked Christen Press's shot at your very first camp. That was when I knew that you were a special player. I knew you were a special person when we had our first one on one meetings with all the players as captains. You laughed at one of Becky’s better jokes and replied with an even better one that had me laughing in a meeting I was supposed to be professional for. I knew that I cared about you the minute I stepped foot in your hotel room after you had skipped practice. I knew I had started thinking of myself in a more parental role the day that you had a panic attack and I took the door off of the frame. Well, actually it was probably before that, but that day it really set in. I love you kid. You’re the first person who’s ever been a co-first-priority along with soccer. I can’t tell you exactly why I feel like this, but I do. And if you feel uncomfortable with this, we can forget about it and never talk about it again, but I need you to know that I’m always going to care about you.” Carli says, her voice giving me no reason to not believe her.

“I almost called you ‘Mom’ the other day. I stopped myself before it happened, but I almost did.” I admit quietly.

“I pretty much told Hope that if she wanted to be in my life, she was going to have to be there for yours too.” Carli admits almost as quietly.

“Why would you do that?” I ask, truly confused.

“I want the woman that I love to have a relationship with the kid that I think of as my own.” Carli says, clearly starting to run out of energy.

“I wish I was your kid.” I say, silently wishing that I had been her kid since birth, and not just kind of for the past half an hour.

“I want you to be my kid.” Carli says, feeling equally defeated about the universe's distribution of kids.

“How about this. We both go take a nap, and then you can meet Hope tonight? Like really meet Hope. It’s okay if you don’t want to, it’s been an exhausting day. We’ll talk about this more, maybe even in therapy, but tonight let’s just lay low?” Carli asks.

“Are you sure she wants to meet me?” I ask, still feeling slightly starstruck by my childhood idol.

“She would be thrilled to spend the evening with us, I promise.” Carli assures me.

“Do you think she’d play soccer with us tonight?” I ask, letting a little bit too much enthusiasm into my voice. 

“How about this. Tonight she just comes over and hangs out, but I’m sure that she’d love to pick you up after practice tomorrow and work with you at the park?” Carli offers instead.

“Oh no, she doesn’t have to do that. We can just hang out here, it’s no problem.” I say, sorry that I had even asked.

“I’m going to tell her to come over, but I’m asking her about tomorrow too, alright?” Carli says, making it clear that I don’t have a choice in the matter.

“Go take your nap, I’ll talk to Hope and tell her to come over in a few hours. I’ll wake you up before she gets here.” Carli says.

I make my way up the stairs, yawning from the complete exhaustion of today. I don’t fall asleep until after I hear Carli’s bedroom door close. Looking at my bookshelf, I feel my breathing even out, and I drift off to sleep.

I wake up to Carli sitting on my bed, her hand on my shoulder.

“Hope’s on her way. She’s bringing pizza.” Carli says, clearly trying to coax me out of bed with the promise of pizza.

I sit up and rub at my eyes with my sleeves, not  
quite ready to wake up yet. Carli sits on my bed, waiting for me to be ready to rejoin the land of the conscious.

“Hope will probably be here in about twenty minutes. She’s excited to meet you.” Carli says, making sure that I did catch the fact that Hope was coming.

“Pizza?” I ask sleepily, making sure that I wasn’t duped.

“Yes, she’s bringing pizza.” Carli says with a chuckle at my love of pizza.

Carli leaves the room, giving me a few minutes to wake up. I get out of bed and just stand for a minute, trying to reorient myself with reality. I walk down the stairs to see Carli sitting on the couch, phone in hand, presumably texting someone. I raise my eyebrow at her to silently ask what she’s doing.

“Sauerbrunn.” She answers in one word, before tossing her phone aside.

I sit down right next to her on the couch, laying my head on her shoulder. I think about the conversation we had earlier, but I don’t say anything. I just let Carli play with my hair. The sound of a car pulling into the driveway is followed by Hope knocking lightly at the door. I lift my head from Carli’s shoulder, letting her know that she’s going to have to answer the door. She promptly gets up to let Hope in.

“I brought pizza!” Hope announces, making her way through the door.

“Hi.” Is somehow the only word I manage to say.

“Hello.” Hope says, carrying the pizza box to the counter.

“Carli told me that cheese was your favorite, so that’s what I got.” Hope says, earning a smile from Carli.

“You didn’t have to do that.” I tell her, suddenly feeling nervous.

“I wanted to make a good first impression.” Hope says, winking at me in the process.

I smile nervously, not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do. Carli and Hope share a ou kiss before putting the pizza on plates and moving them to the table. I take a seat at the table, next to Carli and across from Hope. I take a sip of water nervously and wait for someone else to say something.

“How did apartment hunting go today?” Carli asks, breaking the silence.

“It was nice. I’m about to sign a lease for a place that’s about ten minutes away from here for two months. I also went shopping for some clothes since I flew here with nothing.” Hope says, switching eye contact between Carli and I.

“Do you know when your things will get here? From the movers?” Carli asks after taking a bite.

“They said that my things would be here in about two weeks. Two and a half at the latest. I don’t mind sitting on an apartment floor for a while though.” Hope says, winking at me.

“Maybe you could spend more time here..” Carli says while looking at me for approval.

“Um yea it would be nice having you around.” I add, fidgeting with my hands.

“Carli asked me if I could pick you up from practice tomorrow and work with you for a while at the park. Would that be alright with you?” Hope says, wearing a hopeful smirk.

“Oh no, you don’t have to do that. I actually told Carli not to ask you.” I say, slightly glaring at Carli.

“Well, too bad, because it’s happening. I’ve missed playing, and this will give me an opportunity to play against someone who actually knows what they’re doing.” Hope says, making a casual dig at Carli.

I look away, feeling completely uncomfortable with the current situation. Carli playfully smacks Hope’s shoulder and then smiles at me. I take a few bites of pizza and wait to see what happens.

“Hope here is kidding. We all know that when it’s me and you at the penalty spot, you don’t stand a chance.” Carli says while glaring at Hope.

“If it makes you feel better, you could definitely keep a clean sheet with me at the penalty spot. I’m awful at shooting.” I say, trying to lighten up the conversation.

“We’ll see about that tomorrow. You’ve definitely piqued my interest on the field. How about off of the field?” Hope says with a raised eyebrow.

“What do you mean?” I ask nervously.

“Tell me about your life. What do you like to do, what has your life been like so far, what makes you happy?” Hope asks, any evidence of sarcasm gone from her voice.

My chest tightens and my heart drops to my stomach. What do you say to your childhood hero about your life, when all you’ve done is play soccer, live with your parents who have now disowned you, and get dumped by a girl you loved for being depressed.

“I majored in english before I dropped out of college. I like books.” I say, sounding like I’m asking a question rather than answering hers.

“No life story?” She asks, half sarcastically, but sounding like she wanted an answer.

“I lived in California growing up. I went to school and played soccer. I went to Stanford for soccer before playing on the national team.” I say, barely being able to get the words out.

“Hope why don’t you tell her about your life.” Carli says, desperate for Hope to not ask any more personal questions, at least not tonight.

“Good idea. I grew up in Washington. I was actually a forward until college. My relationship with my parents was kind of rocky, but we made it work while I lived with them. I got drafted into the wps before the nwsl was a thing. When I got called up to the national team, I met this one over here, and fell in love. You know how my career ended as well as I do, and now I’m here in New York, with you two.” She says, voice moving up and down based on how she feels about what she’s saying.

“What’s your favorite color?” I ask, surprising myself, not even sure why I asked.

“Green.” Both Carli and Hope say at the same time.

“Mine is purple. Like a lilac type color.” I say, looking at the table, feeling kind of embarrassed now.

“Cats or dogs?” Solo asks back, clearly fine with talking about trivial personality traits. 

I tell her I like dogs and she nods in approval. We continue with trivial questions, finding out that Hope is always the big spoon, Carli likes lions, and they both like movies that are almost exclusively at least twenty years old. Carli and Hope tell me a story about the 2012 olympics, where Krieger fell and Ashlyn laughed, resulting in a very quiet rest of the trip for the two of them. 

After the conversation dies down, Hope suggests that we watch a movie. I wait to see if Carli approves before I nod in agreement. Hope suggests ‘Psycho’ earning a single raised eyebrow and a smirk from Carli.

“I’ve never seen it.” I admit.

“Carli come on! The kid’s never seen it!” Hope pleads, hoping that she can use me as leverage over a less than impressed Carli. 

“Fine.” Carli says with a grin, flopping down onto the couch. 

I sit down on one side of Carli, assuming that Hope will sit on the other. To my surprise, she motions for both me and Carli to move over so that she can sit next to me. I happily comply, not completely sure as to why she would want to sit next to me.

The movie starts, playing with it’s black and white charm. I think I like the soundtrack more than the movie itself. I enjoy the movie, but after such an exhausting day, I feel my eyes get heavy. I rub at them, trying to wake myself up. Carli and Hope make eye contact every so often, and I can feel Hope looking at me every time I yawn. She’s been slowly moving closer to me throughout the whole movie. It takes every ounce of energy I have to not fall asleep between her and Carli.

The inevitable happens and I drift off to sleep, laying my head on Carli’s shoulder. Carli and Hope whisper to each other about my now unconscious state, Carli presses a kiss to my head. They watch the rest of the movie in silence. At some point, I get a little restless and turn towards Hope, snuggling into her side and resting my head on her shoulder. She looks at Carli with a look that says nothing other than “what the hell have I gotten myself into.” Carli smiles and looks at me, before looking back at Hope who has started playing with my hair.

“Can we keep her?” Hope mouths to Carli, in a joking manner, but clearly meaning it.

“I hope so.” Carli mouths back with a smile.

As the credits roll and Carli moves to get up, I move a little bit, not waking up, but very clearly getting closer to waking up than being asleep. Hope moves her hand up and down my arm trying to lull me back to sleep. 

“What do we do? Do we just leave her here?” Hope whispers to Carli, having no idea what one does with an asleep nineteen year old who’s fallen asleep practically on top of her.

“I would usually carry her to her bed, but I think I would wake her up if I did it, she’s pretty much on top of you.” Carli whispers, not having much guidance to offer.

“I can carry her to bed.” Hope says, moving to pick me up. 

Carli watches Hope move to pick me up, running her hand down my back when I murmur at being moved. She leads Carli up the stairs to my room, pulling back the covers from my bed for Hope to put me down. Hope sets me down gently and lets Carli lay the covers over me. They leave the room, closing the door behind them.

“Carli, she’s-she’s like a kid.” Hope says, struggling to express whatever it is she’s thinking.

“She’s not a kid. Not exactly anyways. She’s lived a rough life. She thinks like an adult, much older than a nineteen year old should, but she’s been neglected. She can’t admit that she wants to be loved the way she does, but she does. So it comes out when she’s asleep or upset.” Carli responds, not exactly sure of what she should say to Hope.

“What do I tell her tomorrow?” Hope asks.

“I’ll tell her that she fell asleep on you, just don’t make her feel bad for it tomorrow. She’s probably going to try to apologize, but you wanted to cuddle more than she did. Other than that, just try to bond with her.” Carli responds, truly threatening Hope about tomorrow.

“You’ve got to get out of here, I've got to call Sauerbrunn to talk to her about tomorrow’s meeting with T. I love you. You’ve got her tomorrow?” Carli asks, kissing Hope while simultaneously pushing her out the door.

“I’ve got her tomorrow.” Hope reassures her.

Tomorrow was going to be a long day.


	15. Chapter 15

I usually wake up slowly, but with Carli sitting next to me, and being in my own bed wearing last night's clothes, I wake up quickly and in a panic. I look around, hoping that I fell asleep after Hope had left and that Carli was the one who carried me to bed. Carli can clearly tell that I’m about to go into a panic attack, because she practically launches herself at me, wrapping her arms around me to keep me from moving too much while also breathing with lots of labor.

It takes a while, but I eventually calm down. Taking shaggy breaths I look at Carli, hoping that she can offer me some sort of explanation as to what happened last night. 

“Carli, do you mind clueing me in on what happened last night?” I ask, rubbing at my eyes.

“I’m going to tell you, and you’re going to be upset, but I promise you that it’s okay. Okay?” Carli asks, both eyebrows raised

“Okay.” I say, lying straight through my teeth, but desperate to find out what happened last night.

“Last night went great. I promise it did. You were awake for most of the movie, but you fell asleep towards the end. You fell asleep on me, but you know that you don’t sleep well, so you turned and ended up on Hope, and when the movie ended she carried you to bed.” Carli says, trying to break the news to me as gently as possible.

“Oh my god.” I say, practically bursting into tears.

I can’t even look at Carli, I feel so embarrassed. Most people take a picture with their icons when they meet them, and I fell asleep on mine.

“Honey, it was perfectly okay. Hope was completely okay with it. I promise you.” Carli desperately insists.

“Oh my god I have to see her again today.” I say, a whole new level of embarrassment setting in.

“She’s not judging you, you had a long day and you fell asleep on the couch watching a movie.” Carli pleads.

“My childhood hero carried me to bed like a three year old!” I almost yell.

“You and I both know that no one thinks of you like a three year old. You fell asleep and she carried you to bed because she knew that you would be more comfortable there than on the couch. She was excited to cuddle with you. Okay?” Carli says, hoping that I’ll finally cool off a little bit.

“I’m sorry.” I say, feeling horribly guilty about having reacted this way.

“It’s okay. You’re okay. But you won’t be if you don’t get ready for our meeting with Becky and practice today.” Carli says, sounding like a Mom in the first half, and a captain in the second.

Carli leaves and I get ready. Washing my face, changing, packing my bag and meeting her downstairs for our drive to the stadium.

Carli’s humming seems louder than it usually does, happier too. I think it must be Hope.

I watch Carli drive instead of the world outside of my window. It feels better that way. She’s driving differently than she usually does, not speeding, but taking turns sharper. I almost fall into the window when she turns into the parking lot. I get out of the car and look at Carli asking if she’s ready. We’re early enough that no one else will be here besides Sauerbrunn and maybe some trainers.

I follow Carli into the conference room, feeling grateful that I don’t have to find it by myself in these winding hallways. Sauerbrunn is already sitting at the head of the table, looking at some notes.

“Carli, Rookie.” Sauerbrunn says with a smile, addressing us both.

Carli and I sit, ready to hear what Sauerbrunn has to say.

“So Carli has kept me updated on how you’ve been over this past week, and we’re not going to bug you a whole lot, we just have a few things to talk about.”

I nod, eyes locked on the floor.

“First up, Carli told me about her and Hope. If you ever need to talk to someone about them, and not to them, I’m here. Okay?” Sauerbrunn says, sliding me a piece of paper, torn off from her notes with her number on it.

“Next is something that Becky and I both talked about, and we think it would be good for you, okay?” Carli says, giving me a look that lets me know that I probably won’t like whatever she’s about to say.

“With World Cup qualifying games starting in a few weeks, we’re going to start traveling a lot. Every season each player gets a bus buddy, a plane buddy, and a hotel buddy. That doesn’t mean you can’t spend time with other people on trips, but for those three things you’re stuck. Your bus buddy is Ali, your plane buddy is Christen, and your hotel buddy is Tobin. Does that sound okay?” Sauerbrunn asks even though she won’t change her mind if I say no.

“I can live with that.” I respond, knowing that the first time I’ll be with all of those people is in less than two weeks with our first qualifying game in Mexico.

“The only thing left I have to ask you about, is if there’s anything you want to talk about?” Sauerbrunn asks.

I shake my head, wanting nothing more than to change for practice and end this meeting.

“Can I go?” I ask.

Both Carli and Sauerbrunn nod. I leave, but neither of them follow me. I change in the locker room, forty five minutes early to practice. I tie my hair back and walk out onto the field, looking around to see if anyone else is there. There’s a stray trainer off to the side who asks if I'd like help running some drills before everyone else gets there. I nod emphatically, thrilled to get to train in peace.

It’s a quiet practice. Everyone shows up on time, we run team drills for an hour before conditioning for another hour. At the two hour mark, Vlatko calls for a scrimmage, deeming Becky and Carli team captains. The rest of us lineup by position, waiting to be chosen. I end up being Sauerbrunn’s fifth pick, and the final defender for her team. 

The scrimmage is intense. Everyone seems to be on their A-game, and it doesn’t help that we all know each other’s playing styles. I take pride in myself after Heath goes in for the nutmeg, but I manage to take the ball and pass it up the field to Ertz. Press scores on Harris who looks disappointed in herself. I keep my head down and go back to my position. We kept the game going for almost two hours, but at the four hour mark, Vlatko ended practice and let us go for the day.

I almost get ready to shower before realizing that I still have a training session with Hope Solo. My heart drops to my stomach and I shove everything into my bag to go find Carli.

“Am I still supposed to go with Hope?” I ask.

“Yes. She’s out front in a black SUV. She’s excited, I promise you it’ll be great. I’ll see you at home tonight.” Carli says before leaving to go shower.

With that I leave, hoping that I will actually be able to find Hope’s rental car. I walk out to the parking lot to see Hope leaning up against her car in the very first row. In all honesty I can’t decide whether she looks like an asshole or a badass. Once she starts waving at me with her hand extended all the way, I decide that she doesn’t look like either. I jog to meet her.

“I’m so sorry I fell asleep on you last night, I didn’t mean to, I was just so tir—“ I managed to get out before Hope cut me off.

“Don’t feel bad about falling asleep. I’ve fallen asleep on Carli loads of times. The only thing you have to be sorry about, is the fact that you missed part of Psycho. You know I’m going to make you rewatch it, right?” Hope says, making me feel at ease.

“I’d like that.” I say, climbing into the car.

I don’t know what I expected Hope Solo to be like, but I definitely didn’t expect this. She’s driving in a way that makes me want to grab onto the door, and she’s singing at the top of her lungs with the radio, even when she doesn’t know the words. I smile to myself, silently hoping for Hope Solo to stick around for a while.

After a short fifteen minute drive, we pull into the parking lot of a park with about six soccer fields, five of them completely empty. Hope stops the car, and looks at me with a smirk that I have absolutely no idea how to interpret.

“Are you ready?” She asks me.

“I think so.” I answer completely honestly.

“I have to grab some balls from the trunk, go warm up.”

I get out of the car and start warming up on the sidelines of the closest field. Hope carries a giant bag of soccer balls towards me, setting it next to the back left goal post.

“Penalty spot.” Hope says before I've even finished my warm up, rolling a ball towards me.

I put the ball on the penalty spot while Hope puts on her keeper gloves. I look at her, waiting for her instructions. the

“Shoot.” 

I go for a short run up before attempting to put the ball in the top right bin. It’s in Hope’s hands in seconds. She rolls the ball back to me and then points at the penalty spot. I take another shot, she makes another save. I must take at least fifty shots, making only about a quarter of them.

“You really are a defender, huh?” She says. Not highlighting the fact that she just made saves I haven’t even seen Naeher or Harris make in real games. 

“I guess so.” I reply quietly.

“Win the ball.” She says before taking off with it, dribbling up the field.

It only takes me thirty seconds to take the ball right out from under Hopes feet before trapping it under my own. She stops and looks at me. I pass her the ball back and she takes off again. We continue the cycle for fifteen minutes before she walks the ball over the goal where she left the ball bag and her water bottle.

“I’ve missed this.” Hope says, passing me the water bottle.

“I’m always happy to play with you. I’m sure Carli is too.” I say, thinking of things to say that could make her premature exit from soccer better.

“Thanks kid.” She says before getting up and showing me a new passing drill.

She runs around showing me her favorite drills for the next forty five minutes, completely and fully wearing me out. She finally stops the drills and just passes me the ball.

“I know you’re tired, but I don’t really want to take you home yet, so pass me the ball and I’ll pass it back.” She says, seeming completely genuine.

I can’t think of a single reason as to why Hope Solo would want to spend more time with me. Especially now that we’re not running drills.

“Tell me about you. Really tell me about you.” Hope says while looking me dead in the eyes.

“I was a midfielder on my club team in high school.” I offer up.

“Nope, try again.” Hope says, wanting more than just trivial information.

“My parents disowned me.” I admit, passing her the ball.

“Mine almost did too.” Hope replies, passing it back.

“They weren’t all that great to me before I came out, but after I did they decided that eighteen yearsw of being parents were enough.” I say, kicking the ball a little harder.

“What do you mean?” Hope asks seriously.

“They only loved me if I did well in soccer or at school. I took a corner kick that went out of bounds once in high school, and my Dad told me that if I was going to eat for the next week, that I would have to find the food myself.” I say, not even really realizing what I’m telling an-almost-stranger.

“Did you eat that week?” Hope asks, maintaining a completely normal tone.

“Sometimes. I ate breakfast and lunch at school, but I didn’t really get to eat dinner.” I admit.

“What else did your parents do?” Hope asks cautiously but calmly.

“One time I came home from school crying because the other girls had called me stupid. I tried to hug my mom and she put out her cigarette on my shoulder.” I tell Hope, still so completely zoned out that I’m not even sure what I’m telling her.

“Can I see the scar?” Hope asks, still completely calm.

I move the sleeve of my shirt and sports bra to show her the scar on my shoulder. Hope walks over and runs her thumb across it. She then lifts up her right shirt sleeve and twists her arm a little bit, pointing to a tiny round scar.

“This one’s mine.” She says. 

“Your parents too?” I ask.

Hope only nods at that.

I’m sorry I told you all those things, and I’m sorry you had to carry me to bed last night.” I say, too tired to cry, but feeling too guilty to say nothing.

“Kiddo, you don’t have to feel bad for any of this. You can’t control what’s happened to you, and you can’t just wish it away. But you can talk about it, and try to move past it.” Hope says.

“I know but I don’t want to burden you or Carli, or even Sauerbrunn.” I say, looking down at the ground. 

“I have a feeling that you and I are more alike than you might think. Carli wants to be there for you because she loves you more than you can possibly imagine. She would be thrilled if you would talk to her the way you just talked to me. And me? Carli told me that you two are now a packaged deal and that if I wanted to be a part of her life, then I was going to be a part of yours too. So naturally I assumed you were special, because Carli doesn’t really take to people like she's taken to you. And then when I met you I understood. You were born with your cards stacked against you, and yet here you are. I want to be there for you, because my cards were stacked against me too. I want you to have the people you should have had in your life when you were younger, and I want to be one of those people. Okay?” Hope says, almost in tears by the end.

“Okay.” I say.

“Let’s go home.” She says, wrapping her arm around my shoulder.

On the car ride home I think about our matching cigarette burns. I want to tell her that I’m sorry she had to go through what I did. I want to thank her for saying all the things she said when she didn’t have to say anything. 

We pull into the driveway at ten after six. Hope gets out of the car and grabs my bag, and I follow her, trying to grab my bag, but not managing to get it from her. We walk through the door to find Carli sitting at the kitchen table in pajama pants.

“How did it go?” She asks looking at the two of us.

“It was alright. I’m going to go shower. Thanks Hope.” I say before practically sprinting upstairs.

“What the hell was that about?” Carli asks.

“Carli I’m going to sit down, and we’re going to talk, okay?” Hope says, taking a seat across from Carli.

“I don’t like this.” Carli says, brows narrowed.

“She got tired at the field and we started passing the ball and talking. She started to shut down, but she somehow talked to me while shutting down.” Hope says completely seriously

“What do you mean she shut down?” Carli asks, getting worked up.

“Her eyes went dead and she looked at the same place on the ground except for when she passed the ball, but she maintained conversation. We started talking about her parents and she started talking to me, like really talking.” Hope explains.

“What did she tell you?” Carli asks, brows furrowed in utter distress.

“I asked her to tell me about her, to really tell me about her. She told me that her parents disowned her, which I knew. But then she started telling me about what they were like when she was growing up. Carli, if she did poorly in soccer, they wouldn’t feed her. She was bullied and tried to hug her Mom, and her Mom put out a cigarette on her shoulder. She has a scar like mine.” Hope says, showing Carli the scar that she’s seen many times before.

“Hope what do I do?” Carli asks, sounding almost defeated.

“You keep her in therapy, and you love her. And I want to be clear. I came back for you, but I’m staying for both of you. You are the love of my life, and that’s clear, but even if something horrible happens and we call it quits, I still want to be a part of that girls life.” Hope says with complete earnestness.

“I told her that I wished I was her Mom.” Carli admits.

“It’s been two days, and I’m pretty sure I feel the same.” Hope says quietly.

“She deserves parents who love her.” Carli says, sounding almost upset.

“I think she might have them.” Hope replies, looking at Carli with a little bit of sadness and a whole lot of love.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is half of the trip to Mexico!

The next few days were fairly easygoing. Training has been going well, and I’m slotted in the starting eleven against Mexico for next week. Tobin asked me if I’d like to get drinks with her since we’ll be hotel roommates for the season. I had to tell her that I was nineteen and can’t drink. She then insisted that she, Christen, and I all go mini golfing, which will take place tomorrow before practice.

Therapy was a little harder this week, but it was okay. Maria and I talked about how Carli told me that she sees herself in a parental role, and Maria asked me if I was alright with that. I hadn’t ever thought about it before, but I decided that I was. Then we did a worksheet on expanding boundaries and working on trusting Carli a little more. Maybe even Hope too.

Hope has been spending a lot of time at the house. For the past three days she’s been here every night for dinner and doesn’t leave until long after I’m in bed. Two of the nights they let me go read in my room while they hung out with each other. However one night they insisted I watched The Breakfast Club, and the other they insisted that I play Monopoly. After I told Carli and Hope that I would be going mini golfing with Christen and Tobin before practice tomorrow, Hope pretty much insisted that Carli go to brunch with her during that time. Carli reluctantly agreed.

There are exactly four days until the team gets on a plane to Mexico for the first world cup qualifier. Despite knowing that even if we don’t win, we’ll still qualify, I feel incredibly nervous about it. I’m the only rookie this year, and if we lose, I know I’ll feel responsible. I try to push the thought away and bring myself back to reality.  
I look out my bedroom window to see Hope’s car pull into the driveway. I kind of figured that she and Carli would want to be at her apartment today since all of her things arrived yesterday. I guess not.

Feeling more confident than I do most days, I walk downstairs to meet Carli and Hope. They share a quick kiss before looking over at me, slightly bewildered by my presence. They both know that I don’t typically spend time with them unless I’m asked, I guess I just never want to feel like a burden.

“Can we go to the movies?” I ask, surprising even myself.

Carli and Hope make eye contact, shocked to not only see me, but by my request to spend time with them outside of the house. Hope pulls out her phone, presumably checking movie times.

“La la land is playing in twenty minutes.” Hope suggests, happy to comply with what just might be my first request of them, ever.

I don’t say anything, I just grab my shoes and a jacket and meet them back by the front door, completely ready to go. I smile and pace a little bit, feeling better than I have in a long time.

Hope and Carli follow me out the front door to my car, Carli climbing into the passenger seat and Hope climbing into the back. I tap on the steering wheel while remaining completely focused on the road instead of whatever Carli and Hope might be doing in my car.

The movie theatre parking lot is pretty empty, but it is a Wednesday night. Hope, Carli, and I all make our way to the ticket booth, all fighting over who gets to pay for the tickets. Hope wins out, earning glares from both Carli and I, and the poor girl behind the counter looks almost afraid as Hope hands her the credit card. She hands us three tickets and points us in the direction of our theatre. 

Carli, Hope, and I make our way to the middle of the very back row. Hope in the middle, passing out water bottles she snuck in. I chuckle at how serious she is about not getting caught with water. 

The movie starts and my leg starts bouncing nervously. Hope puts her hand on my knee, reminding me that it’s just a movie, and it’s just her and Carli. I calm down, but Hope doesn’t move her hand.

Carli cries at the end of the movie. I assume it’s because she knows what it’s like to choose between work or relationships. I watch the movie closely, enjoying every minute of it, but find myself more focused on the soundtrack than the plot. Either way, I think my favorite thing is that Hope keeps leaning over to whisper jokes in my ear, and Carli keeps playfully smacking her when she does. I smile to myself, enjoying every part of the experience.

When the credits roll and the lights turn on, Hope turns to Carli, wipes a tear off of her face and gives her a quick kiss. I turn away, letting them have their moment.

We saunter out of the theatre, having nowhere to be but home. I pull out of the parking lot driving slowly, pissing off Carli, but giving Hope more time to sing obnoxiously with the radio. 

When we walk through the door, I hug Carli and then Hope and wish them each goodnight before disappearing upstairs. The moment over as soon as it began.

“Did you tell her to do that?” Carli asks.

“I figured you did.” Hope responds, equally as surprised.

I smiled to myself in my room, getting ready for a peaceful night of sleep. 

The following day begins as well as the previous one ended. I get ready and practice a few mini golf swings in the mirror, with no club, before making my way to Carli’s room to tell her that I’m leaving.

“I’m going to go meet Christen and Tobin for mini golf. I’ll see you at practice?” I ask Carli who’s still laying down in bed, but awake.

“Don’t forget your bag.” Is all Carli manages to say before turning over in bed, presumably going back to sleep.

I smile and make my way to the Prius that’s been lacking my attention lately. I buckle up and turn on my GPS, putting in the address that Tobin sent me.

I zone out while driving there, not really present to what’s happening until I’m in the parking lot of a mini golf place. I turn off the engine and text Tobin, asking if she and Christen are here. The three imessage bubbles lead to a text that lets me know that they’re running a little late but should be there in five minutes. I take a deep breath, almost thankful for the time I have to mentally prepare myself. I open the spotify app on my phone, playing ‘Anyone Who Knows What Love Is.’ I sing along quietly, having missed singing when my parents weren’t home at my old house. I turn the song off quickly when I see Christen’s car pull up next to mine. I get out of the car and lock the doors.

“Hey dude, how’s it going?” Tobin asks while running a hand through her hair.

“It’s alright. How are you guys?” I ask nervously.

“We’re great! Excited to be spending time with our plane and hotel buddy!” Christen says enthusiastically before shuffling through her purse, handing Tobin her wallet.

Tobin then goes up to the counter, paying for a round of mini golf for the three of us before I even have time to interject. Tobin picks out a club that fits with her height before grabbing a blue golf ball. Christen follows suit, picking out a yellow golf ball. I awkwardly make my way to the counter, picking out a club and a purple golf ball. Tobin then casually strolls over to the first hole, looking at Christen and I, who are still lingering by the counter.

“Ladies first.” Tobin says with a dramatic arm gesture and a smile, not really caring who goes first. 

“You can go first.” I say to Christen who then tees up and swings. Her ball ends up about a meter away from the hole.

“After you.” Tobin says with a smile, putting her hand on my shoulder.

I tee up and swing, my ball knocking into Christens. I immediately look at her with a look of panic, trying to find the words to apologize.

“It’s mini golf. It’s okay.” Christen says in the most reassuring of tones.

Tobin swings and gets a hole in one, which Christen says is typical. Christen and I swing a couple more times, missing every time. After a few minutes of failing miserably at mini golf, Christen taps the golf ball with the edge of her foot, managing to put the ball in the hole. I laugh and Tobin glares, the rules on whether or not that’s cheating are a little blurry. I use my club to tap mine in, not wanting to receive the same glare that Christen got.

The next few holes are fun. One involves a windmill which throws Tobin off. Another one with a huge dip that Christen manages to get through with only a few tries. The hole we’re at now, was absolutely demolished by Tobins very first attempt. She dropped her ball like she was going to juggle it, and kicked it into the hole, it dropped right before the hole, rolling in with no problem. I stood with my mouth open in shock, while Christen rolled her eyes with a smile.

“So how has your first season been so far?” Christen asks me on our way to the next hole.

“It’s been pretty great so far. I’ve been pretty lucky.” I say kind of sheepishly.

“Chris we’re travel buddies with a defender who’s already scored a goal in her rookie season.” Tobin says, raising her eyebrows at the last bit.

I blush a little bit, watching Christen get ready to take her shot. Tobin pushes her at the last minute, causing Christen to jokingly run after her, gently smacking her arm. I get ready to swing, hoping that Tobin doesn’t push me over. Christen blocks her from doing so. Tobin feigns being hurt over the idea that she would mess with a rookie. I smile a little bit.

“Are you ready for our first trip of the year?” Tobin asks me, taking a swing that leaves her ball just barely on the edge of the hole.

“Yea, I think so. I’ve only left the country once and I’m really excited to see more of it, even if it’s just in soccer fields.” I say, walking to the next hole behind Tobin and Christen.

“Maybe we can see if Vlatko will let us take you into the city after the game for a little bit. He probably will, as long as we’re packed and ready to go before the game.” Christen says, looking excitedly at Tobin and I.

“That would be fun.” Tobin adds, taking her swing.

I smile as we near the end of the course, Tobin miles ahead of us as far as the score goes. Tobin moves to swing on the second to last hole, but Christen moves the ball out from under her with her own club. Tobin looked at her with shock before smiling. I giggle, watching Tobin take another swing after her first attempt going haywire. 

“So Rookie, what do you do for fun?” Tobin asks casually.

“I run sometimes when we don’t have training.” I say in a tone that sounds more like I’m asking a question then answering one.

“Nope, I said for fun. C’mon, you have to have something you do for fun. Prank Carli? Do the tic-tac dances like Sonnet?” Tobin says, not satisfied with my original answer.

“I think it’s Called Tik Tok. And I guess I like music, if that counts.” I reply nervously.

“That totally counts.” Christen replies.

“What kind? Of music I mean.” Tobin fires back.

“I like most music. I’ve been listening to a lot of jazz lately though.” I say, kind of nervous about the response that might elicit.

“Jazz is Christen’s favorite.” Tobin says, earning a nod from Christen.

“Maybe we can share music on the plane to Mexico!” Christen says excitedly. 

We finish up the last hole before returning clubs and golf balls. Tobin, Christen and I talk a little bit at the entrance before climbing into our cars, realizing that if we don’t leave we’ll be late to practice. I smile and drive to practice, ready to take on the day.


	17. Chapter 17

The practices leading up to the trip to Mexico are tense, but exciting. Vlatko works us harder as a group, and the position-specific trainers don’t let as much fly as they usually do. I’m told that today’s practice, the one we have right before getting on the plane, will probably be just a little bit strenuous. Vlatko doesn’t want to overwork us before our game tomorrow, but he also wants to make sure we’re as prepared as possible.

Hope, Carli and I all had dinner together last night. Hope seemed a bit sad, realizing that it would be just her and her apartment for the next two days. Carli promised her that she could pick us both up from the airport though, which made her perk back up.

Today, I find her asleep on the couch, stirring when I make my way down the stairs.

“See when you fall asleep on the couch Carli has me carry you to bed, when I fall asleep on the couch, she lays a blanket over me and calls it good.” She says, half asleep and yawning in the middle.

“Sorry Solo, I would have carried you.” I say, half joking, but also feeling guilty.

Hope yawns while getting up from the couch and taking her soy milk out from the fridge. She’s started buying groceries to leave here because of how much time she spends here. I like having her around.

Breakfast with Hope is quieter than other meals spent with her. She’s not exactly a morning person, but she makes witty quips through yawns when she thinks of them anyways.

“Excited for your first big trip with the team?” She asks, running her fingers through her hair that’s knotty from being asleep.

“Yea, I think so. I sit next to Krieger for the bus, Press for the plane, and I’m hotel roommates with Tobin.” I say, taking a bite of oatmeal.

“Goodluck. Chances are they put you in between Ali and Ashlyn to babysit them on the bus. They’re as professional as anyone else is on the field and in meetings, but the bus isn’t exactly a place where they act like teammates. Press and Tobin will be fun though.” Hope says, taking a sip of her water.

Three hours later, and I find myself sandwiched between Ali and Ashlyn on the bus to the airport. I silently curse Carli and Becky for putting me in this position. Luckily enough, Ashlyn is much more preoccupied by everything Rapinoe is doing, rather than paying any attention to Ali. Ali on the other hand, has a plethora of pictures of Logan to show me. I nod and smile, missing my own childhood dog.

Carli and I find each other at the airport, she hands me a pack of gum “for when my ears pop” and asks me if I have all of my music downloaded. I smile, sitting next to her. I’m so happy to have her in my life. 

She tells me about how Hope has all but refused to decorate her apartment, and is basically insisting that “it’s not home until there’s a dog” and that she “can’t decorate until it’s home.” Unsure as to whether or not Carli knows that Hope is pretty much vying to move in with her, I say nothing, and just giggle at Carli’s dramatics.

We board the plane together, Carli going further back than I do. I sit down and wait for Christen. Once everyone is on the plane, I start looking around from my seat. I feel my leg bounce and I turn my head excessively trying to take everything in.

“Is this your first time on a plane?” Christen asks gently.

I nod shyly, feeling embarrassed about my lack of experience.

“Don’t worry. They aren’t as scary as they seem. When I got on my first plane, my Mom put headphones over my ears and told me to close my eyes until we were fully in the air. I brought a double headphone connector. I could show you what kind of jazz I like?” Christen suggests as the plane starts moving.

I nod and pull my earbuds out of my bag, handing Press the connector bit for her phone. I listen as ‘Banquet Scene’ by Duke Ellington starts playing. It’s not one of his greater known works, but it was one of my favorites in my time at Stanford. As the plane speeds up, I close my eyes tightly like Christen suggested. 

I don’t even realize that I’m asleep until Christen is shaking my shoulder because we’ve landed.

“Wake up, we’re in Mexico!” She says enthusiastically.

“Oh. Sorry.” I say, despite having fallen asleep on the window instead of her.

I grab my bag and follow Christen off the plane. I stand by the benches, waiting for Carli who also looks half asleep. Sauerbrunn exits the plane while still reading her book, she looks more invested in that than in anything else.

“Sauerbrunn you stay and make sure everyone gets off of the plane, I’m going to go make sure that everyone gets on the right bus.” Carli says, sounding absolutely wiped.

About a half an hour later, we’re all on a bus to a stadium for practice. This time, Ashlyn and Ali hold hands, over me. They’re harmless though. I grin to myself a little bit, looking past Ali out the window. 

The team reluctantly gets off the bus, seeming too tired to do anything but take a nap at the hotel. We all make our way towards the locker room before being met by Vlatko outside. There’s a collective cheer that takes place when he tells us that we’ll only be doing film analysis for the rest of the day.

We split up by position, watching videos of ourselves and the Mexico team we’ll be playing tomorrow. Sonnet is half asleep, but Dunn is taking actual notes. I find myself in the middle, paying attention, but not taking notes.

Film analysis seems to drag on. Krieger has started what appears to be a drinking game with water, and is playing it with Sonnet. I giggle a little bit, amused by their complete and utter boredom.

After a few hours, Vlatko finally lets us all go back to the hotel. So we scramble on and off the bus once more. Vlatko has a trainer check all of us in and then distribute the keys. Tobin gets up to talk to Vlatko before he disappears to god knows where. She smiles at him, and does a little celebration dance after he walks away, starting to walk towards me.

“Vlatko says that we can take a team van to the city tomorrow after the game as long as we’re packed beforehand, and as long as Chris drives the bus.” Tobin says, clearly very excited to show me Mexico city.

“That sounds fun!” I say, excited to be seeing a little bit more of the world.

“I’ll go grab the room key, you stay here.” Tobin says before disappearing to grab keys from a trainer who is currently being swarmed by at least half of the team.

Despite what Tobin says, I go find Carli.

“Can I go to Mexico city with Tobin and Christen tomorrow? Vlatko said it was okay!” I say at Carli, who jumps. I must have scared her a little.

“You realize we have a game, right?” Carli says seriously.

“I know. He said we could take a team van afterwards as long as we’re completely packed.” I reply.

“Yea, that’s okay with me.” Carli says, clearly exhausted from traveling.

I go find Tobin again, who now has not only our hotel keys, but our bags as well. I take my bags but let her handle the keys. We take the first elevator up to the room, Tobin opening the door. She flops onto the bed closest to the door. I drop my bag onto the other bed, smiling at how much I've enjoyed spending time with Tobin. 

My phone buzzes. I find an old text from Hope, I smirk at that, knowing that Carli must have given her my number before we left today. What I pay more attention to, is the new text from Sauerbrunn who asks me if I want to get dinner. I look at Tobin who is almost half asleep by now and ask her what her plans are for dinner. She sleepily tells me that she’s taking Christen out later, not even bothering to lift her head. I text Becky back telling her that I would love to. She tells me to meet her in the lobby in fifteen minutes.

I wash my face, change into nicer clothes and put my hair up before taking the stairs to the lobby. Becky’s already down there wearing jeans and a sweater. I smile and wait for her to tell me what we’re doing. She instead offers no explanation, just starts walking. I follow her, waiting to see if she’ll talk.

“I thought we could find someplace around here.” She says, walking towards the downtown area by our hotel.

“That sounds good.” I say, ready to go along with anything Becky suggests.

We walk about half a mile before we find a salad place that excites Becky. I laugh a little, thinking about how much Carli likes salad. Becky holds the door open for me, and I enter, looking at all the art on the walls. We look at the menu, but each of us decide to go with the ‘build your own’ option. I help Becky order, my Stanford spanish still mostly intact.

We pick a table by a painting that Becky caught me staring at. 

“How’s it been living with Carli and Hope lately?” Becky asks, taking a bite of her salad.

“Oh, well Hope doesn’t actually live with us. It’s been alright though.” I say truthfully

“Oh come on. I know Hope, and I know Carli, and I’m willing to bet that if Carli gave her a key, that Hope is at Carli’s house right now.” Becky says with wit dripping from her voice.

“Yea, I guess so.” I reply, knowing that she’s probably right.

“You didn’t answer my question, how is it living with them?” Becky asks again.

“It’s alright. Carli’s good to me. Hope too. They took me to the movies a few days ago. They insist on eating dinner with them most nights. Sometimes they ask me to watch movies or play games with them. Hope even picked me up from practice one night and took me to the park to train with her. They’ve been really good to me.” I reply, looking anywhere but at Becky.

“That’s good. I know you’ve had a rough go and I’m glad that you have them. How’s therapy been going?” Becky asks.

“It’s okay.” I say, offering nothing further.

“I won’t make you talk about it, just tell me that you’re still going.” Sauerbrunn says, sensing my discomfort.

“I’m still going.” I say, ready to move on.

“How are your travel buddies? Are they alright?” Sauerbrunn follows up.

“They were mostly good! Tobin got permission from Vlatko for her, Christen, and I to take a van into the city tomorrow after the game. Ali and Ashlyn held hands over me on the bus though.” I say, my voice trailing off over the last bit.

“Carli and I debated over whether or not to have you do the Rookie job of sitting between those two, but Mal’s done it for two years. You’ll graduate out of it soon.” Sauerbrunn says with a little bit of regret, but mostly humor.

The rest of dinner is mostly jokes about the team, and excited whispers about tomorrow’s qualifying game. We walk back to the hotel talking about books we’ve read recently. The walk back feels shorter than walking there felt, which I’m grateful for. As we enter through the hotel lobby’s revolving door, I say goodnight to Becky and take the stairs up to my room.

I open the door, having grabbed one of the keys off of the counter before leaving. It’s Tobin-less, which was to be expected, since she’s at dinner with Christen. It's too early to go to bed, so I weigh my options. I could read a book, watch a movie, or I could go see what Carli is up to. 

Deciding on the latter, I check the team group chat to see which room she’s in. I grab my key again and turn left out of the room towards the room that Carli and Dahlkemper share. I knock lightly on the door, and Dahlkepmer opens the door.

“I hope you weren’t looking for me, because I was just leaving.” She says. 

I tell her no, but thanks, before letting her leave, and going in the room. Carli is lying on her bed, video chatting with Hope, not wanting to interrupt, I decide to leave.

“Get over here.” Carli says, motioning towards her bed.

“Are you sure, I don’t want to interrupt…” I say nervously.

“Is that the kid??” Hope asks, from what turns out to be Carli’s house, through the phone.

“Um, yea.” I say, sitting down in the spot that Carli created for me on her bed.

“Hey kid! How’s your trip going?” Hope asks,  
seeming excited to see me.

“It’s okay. How’s New York?” I replied back.

“It’s kinda lonely without you and Carli, but you two are going to win tomorrow’s game and come back the next day. Carli is even letting me pick you both up from the airport.” Hope says knowingly.

“I miss you.” I admit quietly to Hope's image on the screen.

“Don’t miss me too much. I miss you too though. Also, what’s this Carli is telling me about you going to Mexico City with the Heaths tomorrow?” Hope asks dramatically.

“Oh. I’ve only really left the country once, and when I told Tobin that, she insisted on taking me into the city.” I say quietly.

“I didn’t know that.” Carli says in shock.

“Maybe we should go on a vacation when the season ends.” Hope suggests.

“Yea, that would be fun for you guys.” I say.

“No, kid, we’re saying we want to go on a trip with you.” Hope says, giggling at me.

“Oh. You guys don’t have to do that. And I should go, I better get to bed.” I say, getting up to leave.

“Kid, wait!” Hope says, followed by Carli gently grabbing my wrist to stop me from leaving.

I stop, waiting to hear what Hope has to say.

“Goodnight Kid. Love you.” Hope says, blowing me a dramatic kiss to the camera.

“Goodnight Hope.” I say, blushing.

“Goodnight Honey.” Carli says, grabbing my face and pulling it down gently so that she can kiss my forehead.

I leave awkwardly, not exactly sure how to deal with a type of affection I’ve never received before. Nevertheless, I head back to my room, collapsing on my bed into a deep sleep.

The next morning entails a team breakfast, followed by a long bus ride to the stadium. I pack up my things like Tobin told me to do, so that we can go into the city tonight. After that I once again get sandwiched between Ali and Ashlyn, but this time for about an hour. I listen to them talk across me, and watch out the window. 

Vlatko tells us to keep our warmups short, not wanting us to blow all of our energy before the game. We all shuffle to get off of the bus, and change for the game in the locker room. My phone buzzes with a goodluck text from Hope, causing me to smile. I respond quickly before tossing my phone in my bag and walking out onto the field.

I pass the ball with Horan, this being her last game of suspension before returning to the game. The huddle is brief and tense, and the anthems seem shorter than usual. 

I don’t completely center myself until the first pass gets sent back. The pass gets sent back to Mexico’s striker, and I immediately start running. The game gets off to a very intense start. Mexico scores in the thirty fifth minute, and that remains the score for the half.

In the second half, I block two more shots, and Rapinoe puts a ball in the back of the net. Carli has a quiet game. Ertz gets a header in from a free kick, and only a few minutes pass before the ref blows the final whistle.

I hug Carli, before letting her go do media. I, on the other hand, practically raced to the locker room for a shower. I then change into nicer clothes than usual, earning looks from a few different teammates, confused by my attire. 

Christen Press shows up next to my locker in a sundress, claiming that Tobin is out front with our ride. I follow her out front to see Tobin, in sunglasses and a tee shirt, driving a van.

“Get in ladies. We’re going to Mexico.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys like where this is going? Let me know some scenarios or characters you’d like to see in this fic!

The drive to Mexico City was short. Christen sang with the radio, but at a tenth of the volume that Hope usually does. Tobin spends most of it looking at Christen. I just try not to fall asleep in the backseat.

Eventually, Christen parks the car on a side street in the city.

“You ready Rookie? We’re going to have to walk a little bit to get to the downtown area.” Tobin says, craning her head to look at me from the front seat.

I nod and slide the door to the van open. I close it again and look at Tobin who’s just grinning at the sky. Christen makes her way around the car to meet us and gestures for us to follow her. I follow behind her and Tobin, my stomach gurgling a bit from hunger.

“We’ve got to get you some food, huh?” Tobin asks, grinning at me.

I blush, but I follow Christen and Tobin, in pursuit of a food. Christen starts talking about today’s victory over Mexico, which qualifying games have her holding her breath, and which games don’t. Tobin mostly listens, occasionally piping in to tell a story about a player she’s nutmegged. I pay as much attention to them as I possibly can, but I also look around wildly, trying to take everything in.

After walking for another twenty minutes, Tobin finds a burrito place that she asks Christen and I if we can eat at. I nod my head, willing to eat anywhere. Christen mutters a quick “Yea sure” before Tobin tries to ask for a table in english. I step forward and ask for one in spanish, which the host does understand, and starts leading us to a table.

“So the Rookie speaks spanish?” Tobin says, sitting down.

“Yea I took spanish at Stanford.” I say quietly.

“Stanford french only really helps in France.” Christen says in defeat.

A waiter comes by with menus and waters which all three of us thank him for. I look at the menu intensely, while Christen glances at it casually, and Tobin tries to balance a straw wrapper on her nose. We all eventually decide what we want, Christen and Tobin telling me what it is they want so that I can order it for them.

The food comes not too long after I order it. I try to eat it as slowly as possible, not sure that I’ve ever had a burrito that tastes this good. Christen eats her burrito with a fork, and Tobin just tries to keep hers from falling apart. We all giggle at each other’s food malfunctions when they happen, knowing that burritos are wonderful, but not architecturally perfect. I pay the bill, knowing that with the number of international games we’ve won so far, that I can cover dinner and rent for the month, which Carli will most likely refuse.

Christen practically skips out of the restaurant, her sun dress flowing with every move. Tobin walks with her arms swinging, and I just try to keep up. We stop to listen to a guy with his guitar for a while, Christen leaves him a tip in his case.

We pass some street vendors selling miscellaneous items. Tobin buys Christen some flowers, which Christen blushes upon receiving. I, however, spot a homemade jewelry vendor that piques my interest. Christen and Tobin both watch me interact with the woman running the stand. I ask a few questions before buying two different necklaces. Tobin raises a single eyebrow at me as I wrap them up and put them in my bag.

“They’re for Hope and Carli.” I say, looking down and blushing.

“I’m sure they’ll love them.” Christen says, putting a hand on each of my shoulders.

We walk for a little while longer before Christen spots a gelato stand and buys the three of us each a cup. We sit on the street curb, eating what we all know violates the team diet, silently agreeing to not tell anyone. 

We galavant the streets of Mexico City for another hour before Christen announces that we have to start walking back to the van if we don’t want to break curfew. I follow her as she starts walking, but Tobin isn’t exactly convinced. She raises both eyebrows and pouts her lips, asking Christen for just a few more minutes in the city. Christen reluctantly gives in. Tobin sweeps her into her arms and starts ballroom dancing with her in the middle of the street while no music plays. I smile at how much they remind me of a relaxed Hope and Carli. 

When Christen finally coaxes Tobin back to the van, she turns on the radio, just to turn it off and play music from her phone. I have no idea what she’s playing, but I enjoy it anyways. Christen whistles to Tobins music, and Tobin falls asleep after a while. I watch the lights of the city fade while Christen drives back to the hotel. 

Finally arriving at our hotel, Christen parks the van and wakes Tobin before looking to the backseat to see whether or not I’m awake. I smile at her, letting her know that I’m still a part of the land of the conscious. I open the van door and hop out before opening Tobins door. She vigorously rubs at her eyes, clearly ready for bed.

We all take the elevator up, rushing to make it to our rooms before curfew. The door opens and sleepy Tobin and Christen share a long hug and quick kiss before Tobin follows me and Christen makes her way to her own hotel room. I open the door for both Tobin and I. Tobin flops down on the bed again, falling asleep in possibly seconds. I change into pajamas before brushing my teeth and washing my face. There’s a knock at the door as I get all of my things together for the ride home tomorrow. I open the door to see Carli Standing there in pajamas.

“I just wanted to say goodnight. Did you have fun?” She asks, sleep lines visible on her face.

“The city is beautiful.” I reply quietly, waiting to see what she does.

Carli hugs me and kisses my temple before letting me go just to grab my forearms.

“Goodnight. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?” Carli asks, yawning through the last part.

“Goodnight.” I offer back.

Satisfied, Carli walks back to her own hotel room, leaving me to fall asleep in mine. I lay down and close my eyes, falling asleep in minutes.

The sleep isn’t peaceful. I thrash and breathe oddly, yelping at little things that happen. Through it all I remain unconscious. That is until Tobin is in front of me saying words I can’t compute.

“Tierna wake up, you’re having a bad dream and you’re not breathing well.” Tobin says over the sounds of hyperventilation.

I panic, not being able to breathe. My eyes dart around the room looking for something familiar and safe. When I can’t find anything, I breathe even faster, scaring Tobin.

“Sweetie you have to breathe. What can I do? Do you want me to get someone?” Tobin asks frantically, hoping for any response.

I don’t say anything, I can barely make out the words, much less say anything.

“Honey you’re not breathing right, I have to get someone, okay? I’m going to get Sauerbrunn, she’s right across the hall, okay?” Tobin says as calmly as she can.

I don’t even notice her leave, my eyes are still darting around, looking for things that aren’t there. I definitely don’t notice Tobin come back, or Becky’s arrival.

“Oh god, Tobin go get Carli.” Sauerbrunn says to Tobin who can then be heard jogging down the hall. 

“Hey Tierna, your breathing is way too fast, think we can slow it down sweet girl?” Becky asks as gently as possible. 

I’m not having it, still breathing entirely too fast. I do however lock eyes with Becky, which she takes as a sign of improvement. Becky continues talking to me, but she’s clearly trying to buy some time while Tobin gets Carli. 

Carli bursts through the door, followed by Tobin. Carli climbs up onto my bed, climbing behind me and having me sit with my back against her.

“Push my hand out, okay.” Carli says, placing one of her hands on my chest. 

She holds me really tightly, and starts counting, trying to regulate my breathing before I pass out. I try to listen to what Carli is saying, not having much attention to pay to anything going on, but trying my best. The minute I get air in my lungs, I start crying, having absolutely no control over what’s currently happening. Carli repositions the both of us, turning me so that I’m facing her while pretty much sitting on her lap. Once my tears slow a little bit, she picks me up like a child and carries me to her room. Tobin and Sauerbrunn just watch us leave, not knowing what to say.

Carli has me sleep in her bed for the rest of the night. Once I calm down, I can’t even look at her, feeling so ashamed of what I can’t control. Still exhausted from my panic attack, I fall asleep anyways, sleeping fitfully through the rest of the night.

I wake up to Carli’s alarm, looking at how she’s fallen asleep uncomfortably in the chair next to the bed, I cringe, remembering what happened last night. I get out of bed quietly, slipping past a sleeping Carli and Dahlkemper. I walk quietly back to my own room before realizing that I don’t have a key, checking my pockets anyways. I now realize that my choices entail knocking on my door to be let in by Tobin, or knocking on Carli’s door to be let in by either Dahlkemper or Lloyd. I decide that the lesser of two evils is knocking on my own door, hoping that Tobin is already awake to let me in.

“Hey Rookie. You gave us all a scare last night.” Tobin says cautiously, letting me in.

“I’m sorry.” I say, feeling my eyes well up.

“No, no, no. Don’t feel bad. It’s okay. It’s happened to other people loads of times, I was just worried about you.” Tobin says genuinely, watching me move my things.

I apologize to Tobin following whatever she says, no matter what she says. I secretly wish that the earth would swallow me whole, saving me from this moment, and most likely the moments to come. After Tobin realizes that I won’t say much more than “I’m sorry” she decides to go back to sleep. I sit on my bed and wait for my phone to buzz with a text from a captain, telling me that it’s time to go.

I stare hazily out the window for what must be at least an hour before Sauerbrunn texts. I wake Tobin and grab my bags, ready to go. The elevator is full of sleepy soccer players. Luckily, the only one who witnessed last night's blunder is Tobin, who’s standing next to me.

The bus ride is much longer this time. Ali shows me pictures on her phone, but I only nod, occasionally making eye contact so that I don’t  
come off as rude. She asks a question eventually, but I nod anyways, completely unable to speak. 

The plane ride goes similarly. I can’t tell whether Tobin told Christen about what happened last night, or whether she just intuitively figured out that something was wrong. Either way, she lays her head on my shoulder for the ride home, wanting to offer me some sort of tactile comfort without making me uncomfortable. I appreciate the gesture, and I lay my head over hers for a minute before resuming looking out the window.

When the plane lands, I follow Christen off of the plane just to be met by Carli at the benches. Carli starts explaining what’s about to happen, explaining that most people will have someone to pick them up at baggage claim, and that Hope will definitely be there waiting for us. I follow Carli to baggage claim, her hand clasping mine tightly but discreetly. 

When we get to baggage claim, I practically tackle Hope in pursuit of a hug. I can tell she’s shocked, she barely has enough time to catch me. I hold on to her like she’s my center of gravity. Hope gives Carli a look over my shoulder, asking if everything’s okay. Carli silently tells her that they’ll talk later. 

When I finally let go of Hope, I notice the sign she has that reads “Lloyd-Davidson.” She must have made it out of boredom to bring to the airport as a joke, however she’s clearly now embarrassed by it, holding it at her side. Besides the sign, she looks like everyone else here to pick up different people from the team, wearing sweatpants and a tee shirt with a messy bun to complete the look. 

I turn to go grab my bag from the conveyor belt, also grabbing Carli’s before returning to Hope and Carli who share a quick kiss while my back is turned.

“Let’s get out of here.” Hope says after a minute.

I follow her to her SUV, holding Carli’s hand with one of mine, and my suitcase in the other. Hope pops the trunk and lifts both of our suitcases into the car. Carli opens the door to the backseat, letting me climb in, before getting in the passenger seat. Hope starts the car and turns on the radio, which Carli promptly switches to the jazz station. I feel stupid at tearing up over little things like this, but she remembers the little things. 

I cradle my head in my hands for the entire drive home, having no idea of what to do with myself. I don’t know why I feel so awful, but I do know that I want it to stop. 

After Hope parks the car, she walks around to open my door, letting Carli grab the bags out of the back. My whole body aches with dread, and I contemplate letting Hope carry me, as she holds out her arms to do, but feeling too embarrassed, I walk. Hope and Carli follow me into the house. I stop in the middle of the living room, having no idea what to do. Hope and Carli just look at me, waiting for something to happen. 

When Hope realizes that I’m not going to do anything, she slowly approaches me, grabbing my biceps gently, silently asking to pull me into a hug. I lose control of my body weight, collapsing into her. Carli wraps one arm around me and one around Hope, starting to cry. I bring one hand up, wiping a tear off of her face, a horrified expression on my face. Carli cries harder, and I realize that she’s crying about me, she’s upset because I’m upset. I feel myself get overwhelmed by this, not used to people caring about me, and definitely not to this level. I start squirming, trying to free myself from the two. I want the love, I just don’t know how to accept it.

Despite my attempt to free myself, Solo holds on too tight for me to get free. She has even less of an idea as to what’s happening than Carli does, she just instinctively knows that whatever is happening is not good. After I effectively wear myself out, I lay my head on Hopes shoulder, playing with a lock of hair that fell out of her bun. 

“Let’s go talk, yea?” Hope offers, ready to hear whatever it is Carli and I have to say.

“Hope, it hurts.” I say, feeling completely unable to walk.

Hope doesn’t force me to ask, she just picks me up and carries me to the couch. Carli follows, sitting on one side of me, Hope on the other.

“Tell us what’s going on Honey.”


	19. Chapter 19

“I don’t know what to say.” I say quietly, looking down at the floor.

“Can you tell us what’s bothering you?” Hope asks.

“I don’t entirely know. It’s a lot of little things. And nothing at all. I just feel like the weight of the world has found its way into my chest.” I say, focusing on my breathing, looking slowly up at Hope and Carli to see their reactions.

“What about one of those things. Could you tell us about just one of them?” Carli asks, brushing a piece of hair behind my ear.

I contemplate what she’s asking me to do. My brain buzzes with tons of little things I could say. Deciding on one, I hold my breath and look nervously at Hope who nods at me.

“I don’t understand this. My therapist and I have both agreed that you both seem to be taking on a some-somewhat of a parental role, and I-I don’t get it. My Dad only loved me when I did things right, and my Mom just wanted me locked away. I don’t understand why you two seem to be willing to bend over backwards for me when all I seem to do is break down. It doesn’t make sense.” I say, trying to convey my complete confusion.

Hope and Carli look at each other. Carli clearly has some idea of what to say, but Hope looks like she’s about to cry. I look down again, feeling horrible for putting them through this.

“I-” Carli starts to say, before getting cut off by Hope.

“Something that I learned a long time ago, is that there’s no wrong way to love, there are just wrong ways to show it.” Hope starts, taking shaggy breaths in between words.

“You and I both have cigarette burns that were put there by people who didn’t know how to show us love. What makes that so hard, is that then, when people show us love in conventional ways, we don’t understand it. I know that it’s hard, but you have to learn a whole new way of life. One where you don’t feel bad about falling asleep on me, or telling us about something that’s bothering you. We just want to love you.” Hope says, wiping furiously at her eyes to keep tears from falling.

“I can’t change what happened to you before our paths crossed. I wish I could take back the things that happened to you, but I can’t. What I do want to do is love you. And I know that Hope and I haven’t talked about this yet, but I think we both see you as a daughter. I don’t know about her, but I know that I have nineteen years worth of love to make up for. I never exactly thought I’d get any variation of motherhood. I’m sad to have missed out on the first nineteen years of your life, but that just makes the moments when we get to carry you to bed, or calm you down when you’re upset, so much better. I want to be there for all of it, from therapy and nightmares all the way to winning the world cup.” Carli says, looking tentatively at Hope when speaking for both of them. 

I feel overwhelmed by the love Hope and Carli are trying to give me, but I cling to both of them, desperate to keep it. Remembering what I have in my bag, I wriggle out from between the two of them. Opening my backpack, I find the two necklaces from Mexico City. Hope raises an eyebrow at the two bags I pull out. I open each bag to make sure I give each necklace to its correct new owner.

I hand Hope and Carli their necklaces, blushing a little bit as I do so. They each look at me, puzzled.

“I got them in Mexico City, for you.” Is all I offer as an explanation.

“You went to Mexico City?” Hope says, even more shocked.

“Honey they’re beautiful.” Is all Carli says.

“Vlatko let Christen drive Tobin and I into the city, yesterday after the game.” I say to Hope.

“Did something go wrong in the city last night? Is that why you had a panic attack in the middle of the night?” Carli asks, trying to piece together what happened.

“No, everything was alright. I just had a nightmare.” I say quietly, embarrassed.

“What happened last night?” Hope says, wanting to be clued in as to what Carli and I are talking about.

“Last night, I had a nightmare and woke up having a panic attack. Both Tobin and Sauerbrunn intervened before Carli carried me to her room.” I say, shuffling my feet, avoiding eye contact with both of them.

“And then she snuck out of my room before I woke up.” Carli says, eyeing me in a way that lets me know that she wanted me to have stayed.

“Come sit with us.” Hope says, wishing that she was still on the team, wanting to have been there to calm me down last night.

I go and sit back down in the middle of the couch, only to be pulled onto Hopes lap. She presses a sloppy kiss on my cheek that has me giggling like a kid. Carli rolls her eyes at both of us, smirking, secretly finding it adorable. I find myself feeling uncomfortable, but I fight the urge to move, thinking about what Hope told me about love.

“Will you guys come to therapy with me tomorrow?” I ask, knowing that Maria asked me to bring them both so that we could have what she referred to as a “family session.”

“You and I have the day off, and the freeloader here shouldn’t have anything on her schedule.” Carli says, taking a fake dig at Hope.

“Hey! I have my own apartment. I just choose to be here with you two dorks!” Hope says, hitting Carli with a throw pillow.

“Thank you guys, I appreciate it.” I say, effectively getting Hope and Carli to stop play-fighting over me.

“Of course kid.” Hope says.

Carli’s phone buzzes and she opens what looks to be a text. My assumption is correct, I watch her start typing furiously, looking at least a little bit angry.

“Car? What’s got you so angry?” Hope asks gently.

“I’m not angry, I'm just slightly pissed off.” Carli says, not looking up from her phone.

“What is it?” I ask.

“Horan, Sonnet and Mal were having a sleepover, and they let Sonnet go pick up a pizza. She rear ended someone and texted Becky about it.” Carli says, finally looking up.

“That sounds like the Sonnet we know and love.” Hope says sarcastically with a chuckle.

“I’ve never had a sleepover.” I say matter-of-factly.

“What do you mean you’ve never had a sleepover?” Hope asks with pure shock.

“My parents didn’t really let me leave the house for anything other than school or soccer. But I’ve had a sleepover if you count rooming with someone in a hotel, like for soccer tournaments.” I say, not really sure why they’re upset.

“Carli, can we have a sleepover tonight? Please!” Hope asks like a child.

“You mean like the three of us? Sleeping in the living room?” Carli asks, not saying no, but not saying yes either.

“Yes!” Hope says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“I don’t see why not.” Carli says, leaning back on the couch again. 

“Alright, Carli, you dig through your movie collection to find the sleepover classics, I’m talking The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Dirty Dancing, whatever you can find. Kid, you’re with me, we’re going to go get food.” Hope says, preparing what sounds like a battle plan for what’s supposed to be a sleepover.

Carli rolls her eyes but goes to look through her movie collection anyways. Hope tosses me a jacket, putting on her own and waits for me to follow her out to her SUV. I smile at her, secretly excited for my very first sleepover. I jump in the car, looking up at Hope who’s smiling at me.

“So are we in more of an ice cream mood or a candy mood?” Hope asks, heading towards the closest Target.

“Hope you don’t have to do all of this for me.” I say, feeling like a burden.

“We just talked about this kid, let us love you. Plus, us cigarette burn kids have to stick together, right?” Hope asks with a smile, also secretly excited.

Instead of responding I just nod absentmindedly.

“I know that it’s barely been a month of me being around, but I want you to know that I love you. I know what it’s like having a childhood that doesn’t consist of what childhoods should consist of, but I want to be there to give you the childhood you didn’t get. I want to throw you sleepovers, and chase down ice cream trucks with you. I want to take you to Disney World and threaten your future girlfriends.” Hope replies, looking almost teary for the second time tonight.

“Carli already called threatening future girlfriends.” I say, not acknowledging the vast majority of Hope’s confession.

“Damn her.” Hope says sarcastically, pulling into the parking lot.

“You guys are okay, right?” I ask awkwardly, not really knowing how to phrase it.

“Yea, we’re okay. Unless there’s something wrong with Carli. Why, is there something wrong with Carli?” Hope says, slowly escalating with every word.

“No, Not-not like individually. L-like together?” I ask, wanting to know, but not wanting to cross a boundary.

“Ohhh. Kid, let me tell you something. Not even getting fired by the USSF could keep me from Carli. I love her with every fiber of my being, and fully intend on spending the rest of my life with her. In fact, can you keep a secret?” Hope asks, whispering the last part.

I nod eagerly, getting out of the car and following Hope to the door.

“I’m going to ask her to marry me after the world cup.” Hope says, practically beaming.

“Really?” I ask, feeling very excited suddenly.

“Really.” Hope says, finding the ice cream section.

“What flavor are you thinking?” Hope asks me very seriously.

“I think strawberry, if that’s alright?” I say.

“Yep! I’m going to get chocolate.” Hope replies, picking out a gallon of chocolate ice cream from the freezer.

“Oh okay.” I say, putting my strawberry ice cream back.

“What are you doing?” Hope asks, raising a single eyebrow at me.

“Oh, well you said we’re getting chocolate.” I say honestly.

“No, we’re getting both.” Hope says, picking back up the strawberry ice cream that I have put back.

“Wait but I was only going to get one, I really want to be able to pay Carli rent this month.” I explain sincerely.

“One, you aren’t paying for any of this. And two, Carli definitely won’t take your money.” Hope says, making her way to the candy aisle.

“I know, but I like to hide it around the house for her to find. She gets really excited when she thinks she’s found random money.” I say completely seriously.

“Does she know you do that?” Hope says after laughing for an embarrassingly long time.

“No, she doesn’t.” I say.

We start walking towards the registers to pay, but I stop dead in my tracks at the frozens aisle. Hope stops and turns to look at me, curious as to what I’m doing.

“Can we get a pizza?” I ask, almost too quiet for Hope to hear.

“No. But we can get two.” Hope says, messing up my hair with the hand that isn’t holding the ice cream.

We pick out pizzas and pay, driving home. I open the door to find Carli laying out sleeping bags, the menu for The Breakfast Club already up on the TV.

“The couch is a pull-out bed, and I for one am sleeping on that, but if you two want the full sleeping bag experience, I got those two out of the closet for you.” Carli says, eyeing Hope’s suspiciously large bag of junk food.

Cari insists that we all change into pajamas before starting the night, each of us running upstairs to do so. Afterwards, Hope puts the pizzas in the oven before starting the movie. Carli lays down and insists that I sit next to her for the movies at least. I give in, moving from the chair to the couch which is now a bed. Hope comes to sit with us, only to lie down, letting her feet hang off the edge of the couch, and putting her head in my lap. I awkwardly try to find a place to put my hands before Hope realizes what I’m doing and holds one of my hands to her chest. 

Halfway through the first movie, the timer goes off and Hope practically runs to get the pizza. Carli rolls her eyes at the fact that Hope has put ranch on her pizza, even though she brings both Carli and I a plain slice. I thank her and take a few bites of my pizza, effectively burning my mouth.

When we finish the Breakfast Club, Carli takes all of our plates to the kitchen, putting them in the dishwasher. Hope gets up to get us both ice cream. Carli opts for a bowl of blueberries instead. Hope brings me my ice cream, putting Sixteen Candles in the DVD player. Hope and I eat our ice cream while Carli finishes her fruit. This time I get up to put dishes in the dishwasher. 

When I get back to the living room, Carli and Hope are both lying down on the couch bed. I go to sit down on the chair next to the couch before Hope starts pouting and patting the space between her and Carli. I reluctantly get in, Carli cuddling into my side. Hope actually starts braiding my hair, which means that we are one pillow fight away from being a stereotypical sleepover.

After the second movie ends, I start yawning, still feeling jet lagged and worn out from all of the emotions today has brought. Instead of putting in a third movie, Carli turns on a rerun of Friends. When I feel my eyelids get heavy, I don’t fight it, drifting off to sleep.

“Do you think she’ll ever make it through a full night with us?” Hope jokes to Carli.

“Be nice, she made it through two movies and a half of an episode of Friends.” Carli says, contemplating what to do for the remainder of the night.

“Should we move her? She’ll be embarrassed if we carry her anywhere, but she most likely won’t like waking up in between the two of us.” Carli asks again.

“Just leave her, we can talk about it in the morning.” Hope says yawning and turning over to sleep.

“What am I going to do with you two.” Carli thinks to herself about the loves of her life.


	20. Chapter 20

The three of us sat right in a row waiting for Maria in the lobby. Mitsy came to greet us at the door this time, offering us a wag of her tail. Hope almost immediately asked if we could get a dog, but was met with an eye roll from Carli. My leg is bouncing nervously, but neither Carli or Hope say anything about it.

“Carli. Tierna, and Hope I presume?” Maria says, appearing at the end of the hallway. 

“Hope Solo, nice to meet you.” Hope says, shaking Maria’s hand.

I follow the three of them into the office, feeling nervous about the next hour. Carli, Hope and I sit right in a row again, mirroring what we had done in the waiting room. Maria waits a minute before speaking, trying to analyze each of our body languages.

“I asked Tierna to bring both of you in today for a family session, are you both prepared to do that?” Maria asks with a no-nonsense tone of voice.

“Um. I think so.” Carli says, slightly confused as to what the session might entail.

“Are there like, rules? Or maybe a schedule?” Hope asks, sensing Carli’s nerves about what’s about to occur.

“There aren’t rules per se, just some general guidelines to keep in mind so that everyone feels safe talking. I’m going to ask some questions to just kind of guide the conversation, but today is more about what you three have to say. I’m not worried about you three being respectful towards each other, so let’s just go ahead and get started, yea? Before I ask any questions, do any of you want to address anything?” Maria asks, looking back and forth between Hope and Carli.

Carli and Hope look at each other before looking at Maria, shaking their heads.

“Hope, do you want to talk a little bit? You’ve been in the picture for the least amount of time and Tierna has expressed to me that she’s the most confused as to where you stand.” Maria asks, looking at Hope.

“Um, yeah I can do that. What are you confused about Kiddo?” Hope asks, turning to me.

I look at Maria nervously, who nods, encouraging me to tell Hope what I’ve been worried about.

“Well, I just. You and Carli have both told me that you see yourself in a parental role towards me, which makes it really hard to not get attached to you. And Maria and I have been talking about how sometimes it’s okay to get attached, you just have to talk about boundaries. My biggest fear is just that you’ll tell me all of these things, but that you don’t mean them long term. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to know how long you both will be around.” I say, my voice trailing off at the end.

“Forever.” Hope says as If I asked her what she ate for breakfast.

“But what if you and Carli brea-” I start before getting cut off by Hope.

“For. Ever.” She says again, making intense eye contact.

I turn to look at Carli, hoping that she says the same.

“I’m kind of sad that you didn’t already think we were in this forever, but I promise you, we’ll both be around forever.” Carli whispers.

All three of us turn to look at Maria, waiting for some guidance on what to do. Hope and Carli are holding hands now, switching their eye contact between Maria and I.

“Have you established any boundaries in your relationship?” Maria asks, taking notes on a notepad.

“What kind of boundaries?” Carli asks, looking at Maria.

“Well, have you three talked about any rules or guidelines for your relationship? On the field or off?” Maria asks.

“Davidson and I are entirely professional on the field. We may drive to practice together, but once we’re on the field, I’m a captain and she’s a rookie and there are very clear boundaries.” Carli says, jumping to defend her professionalism.

“So if Tierna got hurt on the field, you would be able to keep playing?” Maria asks in a tone of disbelief.

“Well that’s different.” Carli says, trailing off.

“Would you be able to treat her like any other player?” Maria asks, not shaming Carli, just asking.

“It would be hard. I don’t know, we’ve never really talked about it before.” Carli admits.

“So let’s talk about it. You all need to establish what’s okay at home, at the field, and what probably isn’t okay.” Maria says, glancing at all three of us.

“Has something we’ve been doing been bothering you?” Carli asks, sincerely concerned.

“No, no I’m sorry. I mean there are things that make me uncomfortable but I’m trying really hard for them to not make me uncomfortable.” I say frantically.

“Could you give us an example?” Hope asks more shyly than Hope usually ever sounds.

“I mean, sometimes when you guys go to hug me and I don’t know what’s coming, I panic a little. It’s okay, I know that I owe you guys hugs. It’s just a little scary sometimes.” I say.

“No, wait. You don’t owe us hugs. You don’t owe us anything. Do you not enjoy hugs?” Carli asks, feeling her heart drop to her stomach.

“No that’s not it. I like hugs, I just don’t know how to accept them. They’re not- I’m not. Well. I just. When I was little I didn’t get hugs, and I didn’t get held. Maria and I have talked about how I crave them even though they make me uncomfortable sometimes. I’m just kind of that way with lots of tactile things.” I say, struggling to find words.

“So you like hugs, you just need to know that they’re coming before you get them? So don’t surprise you, is all you’re saying?” Hope asks cautiously

“Yes.” I say definitively.

“See? This is good, we need to keep this dialogue open, so that you can all discover where boundaries start and end. Do you want to try another topic?” Maria asks, happy with the progress we’ve made.

“Okay.” Hope says, confident evident in her voice again.

“Okay, the hour is almost up, but I think we should all talk about what you three mean as a family. You two have said that you view yourselves in parental roles, but you have yet to define parental roles.” Maria says, gesturing to Hope and Carli.

“We’ve talked about this a little bit outside of therapy. What we mean is that we want to be around for all of the different parts of Tierna’s life, whether they’re happy or sad.” Carli says, slightly confused by the question.

“That’s good, but I think we should talk more about the technical terms behind the relationship. For example, titles. Tierna calls you each by your first names, is that what you prefer? And have you thought about legal adoption? Things like that.” Maria says, looking at Hope and Carli.

“Well, I don’t really know. I’ve never thought about it. I’m not opposed to either, I’ve just never gotten that far.” Hope says, slightly shocked by the question.

“You mean like calling them both Mom?” I ask, knowing that I’ve thought about it more than I probably should.

“We can legally adopt her?” Carli asks, having no prior knowledge on the subject.

“You can. Since Tierna is eighteen, she can consent to be adopted by other adults, barring certain qualifications.” Maria offers up.

“What do you want me to call you?” I say, looking at Hope before looking at Carli.

“It would be a little confusing to call us both Mom.” Hope says, chuckling at the difficulties of being gay.

“Lots of gay couples have their children call them each a variation of Mom. For example, Mom and Mommy, or Mama. Whichever is most appealing.” Maria says.

“Is that something you want?” Carli asks Hope.

“Mom?” I say, looking at Carli.

“Mommy?” I say, looking at Hope.

“Oh my god why did we ever let her call us by our first names?” Hope says, her eyes welling up.

“Hope this isn’t too fast for you?” Carli asks, knowing that Hope has a reputation for getting herself in deep, before leaving.

“I always wanted to be a conventional Mom. I stayed with my old partner longer than I should have because I wanted kids so badly. Every pregnancy I ever had ended in a miscarriage. Carli and I even talked about having a kid after we ended our soccer careers. I wanted a kid that came from me, but I got a kid that came to me. As much as I thought I wanted traditional motherhood, I wouldn’t trade the motherhood I got for anything. And that’s more than enough for me. I’ve got nineteen years to make up for and I want to start as soon as possible.” Hope says, her voice shaking in between words.

“Are you sure this isn’t weird?” I said, looking at Hope and Carli.

“Oh it’s weird, but it’s our own little version of weird.” Carli says.

“Is there anything else you had in mind with technical issues of our relationships?” Hope asks Maria.

“I think that a lot has been said and that we should be done for today. In fact you three should probably do something light and fun today. We can do more family sessions in the future.” Maria says.

“We could go play soccer?” Carli says. 

“Our time is up, and soccer sounds like a wonderful idea. You three have fun.” Maria says, leading us out to the lobby.

I follow Carli and Hope out to the car, listening to Hope sing at the top of her lungs all the way to the park. I smile to myself in the backseat, feeling like the luckiest kid in the world.


	21. Chapter 21

A few days pass. Carli and I head to camp, leaving a very pouty Hope at the house in New York. After the first day of training, Tobin and I go to dinner. We find a place with salads and smoothies, and get a table. To our complete surprise, we find that Sonnet and Kelley are already there, trying to make straws out of lettuce leaves. Tobin and I look at each other, silently deciding whether or not we want to engage with Kelley and Sonnet. As Sonnet gets some smoothie up her nose, Tobin looks at me, letting me know that we have to step in.

“You may be young, but I would much rather babysit you than either of them.” Tobin says as she leads me to their table.

I giggle to myself, liking the fact that Tobin doesn’t find me as childish as Kelley and Sonnet. Truth be told, I love Kelley and Sonnet. They make me laugh, which is something that I don’t do as much as I'd like too. As Tobin stops them from drinking smoothies with salad, I giggle and wave at them.

“Hey guys, how's it going?” I say, laughing as I do so.

“Kelley loves vegetables and I love smoothies, so we tried combining them before Tobin stopped us. It didn’t go as well as dipping chicken fingers in coke, or fries in milkshakes.” Sonnet says, eating her salad and moping.

“You guys were getting smoothies everywhere! I don’t feel bad for stopping you!” Tobin says, trying to explain her reasoning to a very disappointed Kelley and Sonnet.

“Are you guys sore after practice?” I ask, receiving a surplus of nods and groans.

Sonnet starts telling the three of us her newest plan to prank Horan, involving a nerf gun and staying in the hotel elevator for an extended period of time. It reminds me of the time that both Tobin and Christen stayed after a practice, Christen, to help shag balls, And Tobin to scare Christen after she entered the locker room. My mind wanders to what would happen if I ever tried to scare Carli. Chances are I’d be sleeping in my car again. 

Either way, I eat my salad and listen to Sonnet and Kelley goof off. When we all finally finish eating, we all walk back to the hotel. I’m everyone’s saving grace for the night due to my phone GPS, and battery life. Kelley started chasing a squirrel, and before we could stop her, Sonnet followed, meaning that Tobin and I had to chase after them. Unfortunately, the squirrel was not going to our hotel. So when we finally found them, we thanked our lucky stars for current GPS technology.

“How have they managed to stay alive this long?” Tobin asks me, watching them play a game of hopscotch left on the sidewalk.

“They’re fast, which makes them too hard to hit with cars. Or for the hitmen that Sauerbrunn probably hires to get them.” I say, meaning the first part, but joking in the second.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Carli and Sauerbrunn both have hits out on both of them.” Tobin says back sarcastically.

When we get to the hotel lobby, Sonnet is on Kelley’s back, earning a glare from both Sauerbrunn and Naeher who are hanging out on the couches. Tobin tells me that Christen is upstairs in her room, asking for Tobin to come hang out, effectively leaving me with Kelley and Sonnet. Sonnet insists on going up to her room to get her nerf gun before hiding in the elevator, and Kelley needs a nap from chasing the squirrel. Knowing that Carli is in her room, probably reading or talking to Hope, I decide to go for a walk by myself.

I don’t want too far, still feeling sore from practice, and fully aware that tomorrow’s practice won’t be any less brutal. I try to remind myself that we have three friendlies within the next month, and the concacaf tournament in just two months. I feel my head clear, giggling at highlights of the day, and letting mistakes made in practices go. I start thinking about my situation for the night, hoping that the meditation that Maria taught me how to do, will keep me from having nightmares, at least for while I’m rooming with Tobin.

I walk back to the hotel, hoping that I can say goodnight to Carli, and text Hope the same before going to bed. No team members are in the lobby when I get there. Just in case Sonnet is still hiding in the elevator, I decide to take the stairs, which make my already burning thighs hurt even worse, but beats the alternative of getting shot with a nerf gun by Sonnet. Walking the stairs, I start wondering whether she packed a nerf gun for this occasion, or whether she bought one today. I can’t decide which I think is worse.

Arriving at my floor, I decide to knock on Carli’s door first, before heading to my own room.

“Hey Honey, how are you?” Carli asks, opening the door in her pajamas.

“I’m sore but I’m okay. I just came to say goodnight.” I say, keeping my hands in my pocket.

“Goodnight, don’t forget to text Hope. She’ll worry if she doesn’t hear from you.” Carli says, remembering that we decided that I shouldn’t call either Hope or Carli ‘Mom’ or ‘Mommy’ while I’m at work. 

“I will. Goodnight.” I say, hugging her before walking slowly towards my room.

I pull out my phone to text Hope goodnight. I smile when I see that she’s already texted to ask me how practice was. I reply, telling her that it’s alright. I know she misses being on the field. Carli’s been talking to her about getting a job as a coach somewhere. She always tells Carli that she’s my “personal trainer” usually following it up with a smirk. She really does train me, even Vlatko noticed.

Hope responds to my goodnight text within seconds. I smile to myself, thinking about how she’s probably at the house right now, wearing one of Carli’s sweatshirts and eating her food. Carli asked me if it was okay if Hope moved in when her lease expired, to which I enthusiastically agreed. It was that moment when I had to remember that Hope didn’t already live with us.

I open the door to my room, finding that Tobin’s still with Christen. With the room to myself, I meditate, hoping that it can help me sleep peacefully through the night. I finished meditating to find a text from Sauerbrunn asking me to show up to practice early so that we can have our weekly meeting with Carli. I respond, telling her that I’ll be there, before plugging in my phone and rolling over to go to sleep.

I sleep mostly peacefully through the night, knowing that it can’t be that bad if I wake up to my own alarm. I go downstairs to get breakfast before heading to practice to meet with Becky and Carli. Lindsey is already sitting at the table, with a nerf gun bullet sized mark on her wrist.

“Sonnet got you?” I ask, grabbing some eggs and fruit.

“Yea. Damn her.” Lindsey says, half joking and half asleep.

“Why are you up so early?” I ask, curious as to why the midfielder is sitting at a table, alone, an hour before everyone would be coming down for breakfast.

“Rose and I were going to practice early. We wanted to work on our long range passing.” She says, rubbing at her eyes.

I just nod, eating my breakfast. Lindsey is too tired to keep the conversation going without my help, so she just eats and stares off into space, waiting for Rose. I finish my breakfast, enjoying the quiet, before putting my plate up and leaving, waving goodbye to Lindsey who is almost asleep at the table.

When I get to the field, both Sauerbrunn and Carli are there, playing one on one, Sauerbrunn winning the ball almost every time. I prepare myself for a grumpy Carli, upset by Becky’s edge over her usual skills. When they spot me, they pass me the ball. In a better mood than I usually am, I take it and run. I sprint all the way to the other end of the field, putting the ball in the back of the goalie-less net. I then sprint in a celebration run, back over to Carli and Becky, who look a little too happy to see me do something goofy like that. 

“Good mood?” Becky inquires.

“Good mood.” I state, following Cari who leads us to a conference room.

“She and Hope are getting really close.” Carli says to Becky in a tone I can’t quite detect from her usual selection.

“You and I are getting really close.” I say in a way that makes it sound like I’m asking.

“What I’m hearing is that you’re making good progress?” Becky says, not quite picking up on what’s happening.

Neither Carli or I say anything.

“Have there been any incidents since Mexico City?” Becky asks gently, referring to my panic attack at the hotel.

“Not really. The whole following day was a little bit rough, but since then I’ve been mostly okay.” I say honestly.

Carli nods in approval at Becky who takes a minute before asking the next question.

“Are you ready for the next few months?” Becky asks after a pause.

“I think so. My pacing on the field has been a little off but I’ve been getting a lot better at marking players.” I state, hoping that Vlatko and the captains are happy with my performance.

“I don’t mean your technique, what I mean is are you prepared to play games of this caliber?” Becky rephrases.

“Oh. Well, I think so? Historically I do well under pressure.” I say, hoping it’s enough for Sauerbrunn.

“You know you can talk to either of us and probably Hope if you’re feeling overwhelmed?” Becky asks, glancing at Carli.

I just nod, knowing that Sauerbrunn is getting ready to wrap up the meeting.

“Rookie you can go.” Becky says, gesturing for Carli to stay.

I go to get ready for the last day of camp, leaving Carli and Becky in the conference room to discuss god knows what.

“What’s going on with you and Hope.” Becky deadpans to Carli.

“Oh we’re good, just making up for lost time.” Carli says lightly.

“No I mean what’s going on with you, Hope, and the rookie.” Becky corrects.

“Sauerbrunn can you keep a secret?” Carli asks, earning a nod from Becky.

“She calls us ‘Mom’ at the house. Well, I’m ‘Mom’ and Hope is ‘Mommy.’ We had a family session with her therapist, and we’ve pretty much decided that we’re going to step into a more parental role.” Carli says, secretly happy to get to tell someone about her new role in Tierna’s life.

“So are you two looking at adoption?” Becky asks Carli.

“I know she’s nineteen and not that hard of a parenting gig, but I don’t think Hope and I are looking for another kid on top of that.” Carli says, earning an eye roll from Becky.

“Adopting her. I meant adopting her.” Becky corrects.

“Hope and I talked about it one night after she went to bed. I think we’re going to ask her to be our legal daughter after we win the world cup.” Carli says shyly, excited about their future as a family.

“What are you going to do if we lose?” Becky asks.

“Come on. That’s what you’re worried about? The winning aspect will be fine, I’m more worried about what happens if she says no.” Carli says with real concern.

“I have never seen a nineteen year old let their parents carry them to their room, she is not going to say no. She needs the childhood that she didn’t get. She may be ready to be an adult, but she wants to be a kid. She wants all those little milestones that she missed out on. She wants you two to be her parents. What are you going to do when she gets sponsored though?” Becky asks.

“Celebrate? Why wouldn’t we be happy about her getting sponsored?” Carli asks, confused.

“Won’t she want to move out of your house when she gets sponsored? She may want her childhood back, but she is an adult, and she does show all the signs of independence.” Becky says seriously.

“I didn’t think about that. I guess she’s ready to live alone. She’s old enough.” Carli says, showing severe disappointment.

“She very clearly loves being around you and Hope. Maybe she’ll just want to pay rent. Either way you should probably talk about it.” Becky suggests, getting up from her chair.

Carli and Becky come out of the tunnel, Carli still looking grumpy. I pass Becky a ball, still just messing around until practice starts. Carli asks me to help set up equipment, which I promptly do. 

When Vlatko shows up, he looks happy. Happy to have won, and ready to win again. He glares at Kelley and Sonnet who are trying to dribble in circles around Lindsey, who is just trying to walk towards Vlatko. I smirk at their antics, looking around for Tobin who is probably also glaring. Practice is long and tiring. Vlatko has us giving our everything to make sure that we destroy Costa Rica at home before heading to Toronto to play Canada. 

Dunn and I trade places, working with a defensive trainer who’s having us take turns making slide tackles. I try to get my tackles as clean as possible, while also watching everything around me. Carli’s doing a finishing drill with other forwards. The midfielders are doing a. complicated passing drill that makes my head hurt. 

We keep going, training by position until lunch. I grab a protein bowl and go to sit on the sidelines by myself, but Christen follows me, causing Tobin to follow her. Before I know it, I’m surrounded by almost all twenty two members of the team. Sonnet starts a game of would you rather, effectively confusing and entertaining all of us. Debate breaks out as to whether Kelley or Sonnet is easier to keep out of trouble, effectively deciding the team in two. Before long Vlatko calls us all back to the field, insisting on starting the afternoon session on time.

The afternoon goes by surprisingly fast, the fast paced drills not giving us time to feel how tired we are. When Vlatko has us circle up, he tells us he’s proud of us and the work we’ve done. We all bask in our excitement for the game against Costa Rica, heading towards the locker room to shower before going back to the hotel.

Lindsey finds me after we’ve both showered and changed, and asks me if I'd like to get dinner with her. I say yes, slightly unsure as to why she’d want to get dinner with me. Horan walks away, leaving me to finish putting my things together.

The walk back to the hotel is short. Carli and I talk about Hope and how she’s probably eating ice cream on the couch at the house right now. I smile at the thought of Hope moving in with us, feeling excited. Carli and I part ways at the elevator. I go to my room, brushing my hair again now that it’s dry. I wait for a text from Lindsey, entailing the details of dinner.

When Lindsey texts me to ask me to meet her in the lobby, I jump up from my bed, closing the book I had been reading. I take the stairs down, finding Lindsey already waiting downstairs.

“Burritos?” Lindsey asks.

“Burritos.” I reply with a giggle. 

Lindsey has been known to crave burritos, especially when Julie and Rose are around. I wrack my brain for a reason as to why she wants to get a burrito with me. Regardless, we make our way towards the nearest Chipotle, talking about tomorrow’s game against Costa Rica the whole way there. 

We arrive at Chipotle, each of us ordering the healthiest burrito we can manage to put together. Lindsey starts telling me about how excited she is to be starting tomorrow. I nod, knowing that Crystal is getting the start tomorrow instead   
of me. Letting my curiosity get the better of me, I ask her the question that’s been on my mind.

“Why did you want to go to dinner with me?” I blurt out, surprising Horan.

“I usually spend the night alone before games. I don’t have the energy level to keep up with Sonnet, and Mal is always with Tobin and Christen. I figured that it would be nice to not  
be alone, but still have a quiet night.” She says honestly, taking a bite out of her burrito.

I nod, not having expected anb answer like that, but also not surprised by it. The rest of dinner is pretty quiet. We walk back to the hotel giggling about a text Horan gets from Sonnet. She takes the elevator up to her room while I take the stairs to mine. 

I find myself in my room, meditating before getting up to go tell Carli goodnight. She answers the door holding her phone which Hope is on the other end of. I say goodnight to Carli, and the same to Hope, before walking back to my room and climbing into bed.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the fluff because next chapter will be very dark. I apologize in advance!

The game with Costa Rica was a smashing success. We won 5-0, Carli scoring two of those goals and making an assist. She holds up one finger as a goal celebration. Some of the team thinks that it’s for Naeher, but it’s for Hope. Crystal does really well, making two clean tackles and taking a goal kick for Naeher, who’s a little too tired for Vlatko’s liking. 

I watch tranquilly from the sidelines, sad to not be starting, but happy to watch Carli and Crystal do so well. The ref blows the final whistle, and the Costa Rican team hangs their heads in disappointment. Carli runs off to do media and I go to the locker room, barely even needing a shower after only warming up. Regardless, I shower and sit on the bench, waiting for Carli to meet me in the locker room.

I eventually go find a quiet hallway to call Hope in, just missing her a little bit too much. The phone rings a few times before I hear Hope’s voice.

“Kid? What’s going on? Did something happen.” Hope says, sounding frantic.

“Nothings wrong, I just wanted to talk to you.” I admit quietly.

“You sure nothing’s wrong?” Hope asks one more time.

I nod before realizing that she can’t see that I’m nodding.

“Nothings wrong.” I repeat.

“Your Mom is doing media?” Hope asks, wondering why I’m calling.

“Yea.” I say quietly.

“You’re quiet today.” Hope says inquisitively.

“I’m ready to be home.” I say, wishing that Hope or I could do something to make that happen.

“I’m ready for you to be home too.” Hope says, before a silence ensues.

“Is it okay if I come to your next game?” Hope asks after a pause.

“Is Mom okay with it? She gets nervous about having people at her games.” I say with concern.

“She’s okay with it. Are you okay with it?” Hope asks.

“Yea. I'd like that.” I say, excited, but too tired to show it.

“Good. I’m gonna buy flight tickets, okay?” 

“Okay Mommy. I have to go.” I reply, seeing teammates walk by.

“Okay kid. I’ll see you soon.” Hope says, hanging up.

I walk back to the locker room, hoping to find Carli, or maybe Tobin, knowing that we have to leave right after we grab our things from the hotel. Neither are to be found, but I grab my bag and start walking to the hotel anyways, sending Carli a text to let her know that I’ve left. I follow Krieger and Harris back to the hotel, knowing that they’re who I’ll be sandwiched between on the ride to the airport. 

Grabbing my bags, I head downstairs, taking the elevator with my suitcase. I hand the trainer who’s checking all of us out my hotel key, offering him a sympathetic smile. I go huddle next to Krieger, getting on the bus after her. I sit down between her and her wife, hoping that they feel less affectionate right now than they do on most bus rides. 

Ashlyn is feeling especially talkative, playing off of Ali and her excitement to be heading home.

“Tell me rookie, how has your season been?” Ali asks me melodramatically.

“I’d say it’s been alright.” I say, giggling at the fake-inquisitive face that Ashlyn is making.

“Leave the rookie alone.” Rapinoe says, half asleep from the seat behind me.

Ali and Ashlyn then move to make fun of Pinoe, deciding to leave me alone after all. After a few minutes, we arrive at the airport, all scrambling to get off of the bus. I find Carli, knowing that she and I are the only two on the same flight for today, since everyone is heading to wherever they call home.

Carli and I rush through security, cutting it kind of close to missing our flight. Regardless, we say our quick goodbyes before boarding the plane. Carli puts both of our carry ons in the overhead bins before sitting down next to me. I smile sleepily at her, laying my head down on her shoulder.

“Sleep. I’ll wake you up when we land.” Carli says, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

“Okay Mom.” I say, yawning halfway through.

I close my eyes, falling asleep faster than usual. The plane ride is bumpy, and I toss and turn in my sleep, but never wake. Carli always manages to calm me down before I can wake up. Every time she calms me down, a smile forms at the edge of my mouth and I sigh, completely content.

When the plane lands, Carli shakes my shoulder gently, just for me to grumble, too sleepy to want to wake up. When she tells me that Hope is here, waiting for us, I start to stretch out. I don’t want to wake up but I do want to see Hope.

I grab my backpack and Carli’s bag out of the overhead bin, waiting to get off of the plane. I stumble off the plane, tripping over a bump in the walkway. Carli grabs my shoulder, effectively steadying me. After I regain my balance, I practically want to sprint to baggage claim.

“Why are you going so fast? You were half asleep just a minute ago.” Carli says, chuckling at my speed.

“I want to see Mommy.” I say, rubbing at my eyes, still very clearly tired.

Carli smiles. I think she’s excited to hear me call Hope ‘Mommy.’ I continue walking fast to baggage claim, knowing that Hope will be there. Carli follows close behind, also excited to see Hope, but not quite as eager.

When I see Hope, I practically start sprinting, jumping up onto her for a hug, wrapping my legs around her. 

“Mommy.” I say quietly, nuzzling into her before getting down.

“Did you miss me?” Hope asks jokingly before going to kiss Carli hello.

“Can we go home?” I ask Hope optimistically.

“You might want your bags first.” Carli says, laughing at how much I’m reminding her of Hope.

I get my bag off of the conveyor belt before coming back to Hope and Carli, raising both of my eyebrows to ask if we can go now.

“You’ve got shotgun. You’re less likely to try and turn off my music.” Hope says, taking a quick dig at Carli.

“I wouldn’t turn it off if you didn’t sing so loud.” Carli says, fine with occupying the backseat.

Hope just rolls her eyes, taking all of the suitcases and putting them in the trunk. She then turns on the car and the radio, starting to belt out the words to an eighties song that I vaguely recognize. I sink down in my seat, feeling happy for a minute.

“So all of my stuff came this morning. The Uhaul left right before I came to pick you two up.” Hope says.

“Are you moving in?” I ask curiously.

“Your Mom and I have talked about it, but we wanted to make sure that it was okay with you first. Like really okay.” Hope says, her tone getting serious at the end.

“I’d like it if you lived with us.” I say, looking to the backseat at Carli to see her reaction.

“Your lease ends right after the Canada friendly, right?” Carli asks.

“Correct.” Hope says, looking at Carli in the rearview mirror.

“Maybe you could move in the weekend before we leave. Practices will be lighter and T and I can help you.” Carli says, emphasizing the maybe.

The rest of the ride is quiet. The Victorian houses in Carli’s neighborhood look even more eccentric today. Hope almost takes out Carli’s mailbox when she pulls into the driveway. Carli yells in the backseat before muttering choice words under her breath after Hope barely avoids taking it down.

I follow the two of them into the house, Hope insisting on carrying the suitcases. Carli heads to the kitchen, making a quick dinner before sitting down with Hope and I to eat. Hope rambles about what she’s been doing while we’ve been gone, managing to slip in every dog she’s interacted with in hope that Carli will give in and let her get a dog. 

As we each take our last bites of dinner, Hope suggests a movie. I reluctantly agree, knowing that I’ll most likely fall asleep, resulting in being carried to bed like a child. Carli suggests one of her favorite movies, Juno. 

“You know that Juno is just like Sonnet but straight, right?” Hope says, and Carli goes pale.

“I have to find a new favorite movie.” Carli practically whispers, causing Hope to laugh.

“Could we watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower?” I ask quietly.

“That sounds like a good idea.” Carli says, recovering from losing her favorite movie.

“Are you sure? We don’t have to.” I say quickly.

“No, we’re watching it.” Hope says triumphantly.

Carli finds it on Amazon Prime while Hope goes upstairs to wash her face and change before coming back downstairs. I sit on one end of the couch, opposite of Carli. When Hope comes downstairs, she jumps on top of me jokingly, before pressing a kiss to my temple and moving to go cuddle with Carli. We start the movie, tired but not ready to go to bed. I watch it intently, glancing at Hope and Carli occasionally, trying to grasp what they think about the movie. Shockingly, I make it through the whole movie without falling asleep. 

When the credits roll, Hope turns off the TV, getting up and stretching.

“Want me to carry you to bed?” Hope jokes, holding her arms out to me sarcastically.

I look down, slightly embarrassed.

“Kiddo I was just kidding.” Hope says apologetically.

“I know. I’m going to go to bed. I love you.” I say before getting up on my tiptoes to kiss Hope on the cheek, and then moving to do the same for Carli.

“I love that kid so much.” Carli says once I’ve gone upstairs.

“Let’s ask her to be ours. After you win the World Cup let’s ask her if she’ll let us put it into law.” Hope says, nothing but seriousness evident in her voice.

“We have to wait that long?” Carli asks, half joking half, half disappointed.

“Trust me, it will be worth it.” Hope says before telling Carli the details of her plan.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you can’t already tell, this story is 75% fiction, and 25% my way of processing things in a way that works for me. This chapter is very, very dark. If sexual assault is going to cause stress for you, just skip this chapter and I’ll put a summary of what happens in a non-graphic way at the beginning of the next chapter. I promise that after this chapter, Tierna will get a lot of love from pretty much everyone in the story. If you guys want to suggest fluffy situations, feel free to put those in the comments. I will do my absolute best to work them in. Sorry guys.

The next few days go by entirely too quickly. Practices and training take up most of the days, but Hope, Carli and I have our moments in between them. Therapy is getting harder. Processing the darker moments from my childhood is never fun, but after a while I do start to feel better. Therapy reminds me that I am an adult, I’m just getting to have some of the moments that I missed out on during my childhood. 

Anyways, today is move-in day for Hope. Boxes are littered everywhere, and both Hope and Carli are stressed. All three of us fly out to Toronto tomorrow. Hope managed to get a room in the same hotel, but has to take a different flight. Hope starts to announce where everything will eventually go, but that she’s tired and we’ve made enough progress for the day. Carli sits down, her legs hanging off of the back of the now empty Uhaul. Hope comes over to give me a high five before wrapping me in a lazy hug. I tell the two that I’m going to go pack and then go to bed.

“You’re not going to come say goodnight first?” Carli asks as I turn to walk away.

“Goodnight Mom.” I say, reaching up to hug Carli who is still dangling her legs off of the back of the truck.

“Goodnight Mommy.” I say, walking past Hope.

An hour passes, and my suitcase is almost packed for Canada. I rifle through it, making sure that I’m not forgetting anything. Realizing that I forgot pajamas, I get up to grab some before hearing a knock on my already opened door.

“Hey kid.” Hope says, leaning against the door frame.

“Hey Mommy.” I say, folding up pajamas and putting them in my suitcase.

“Is there a reason you chose Mommy?” Hope asks before pausing.

“I realize you can’t call both Carli and I ‘Mom’ but is there a reason that I’m Mommy and not Mama?” Hope asks honestly.

I take a deep breath before looking up at Hope, ready to explain something I hadn’t even thought about until after it had happened.

“When I looked at you and called you Mommy, I didn’t even think about it until after it was done. Later though, I realized that when I was growing up, I would call my Mom, ‘Mama’ when I was upset. I feel like you know enough about my childhood to know what happened when I did that. So I think I picked ‘Mommy’ because I didn’t want anything attaching you to her.” I admit, glancing back and forth from Hope and my suitcase.

“What about ‘Mum’.” Hope asks, taking a pause before continuing.

“You are nineteen. As much as I hate the fact that I didn’t get to hear you call me ‘Mommy’ when you were young enough to be missing front teeth, you might be a little old for ‘Mommy.’ What about ‘Mum.’ You can pretend you’re British.” Hope says, looking entirely too sad. 

“Mum?” I ask, causing Hope to look up from the floor.

“Yes?” Hope asks, looking at me kind of sadly.

“I like that.” I say, feeling more grown up with the new name, but kind of sad that I missed out on yet another thing that most kids get to have.

“Good. Now get some sleep.” Hope says, walking away.

I zip up my suitcase, and climb into bed, knowing that tomorrow will be a long day.

The following day is frantic. Between Hope realizing that her flight is earlier than she thought, morning afternoon practices right after landing, and the bus getting lost on the way to the hotel, it was an eventful day. Hope and Carli are now out at dinner, while I read a book in my hotel room, waiting for Tobin to get back.

Eventually, Tobin comes back, followed by Carli and Hope. Hope stumbles a bit, being caught by Carli, who playfully smacks her arm.

“Carli had one glass, Hope had two and a half.” Tobin whispers to me, telling me exactly what I need to know.

“Sorry you have to call me ‘Mum’ like we’re British.” Hope says, giggling a little and doing a british accent for part of it.

“She’s a little tipsy.” Carli says, knowing that Hope definitely isn’t drunk, but is a little further from sober than she usually is.

I tell Carli and Hope goodnight, not calling either of them any variation of “Mom,” hoping that Tobin missed that part of the conversation. If Tobin heard, she doesn’t say anything about it, instead just climbing into bed. I set an alarm for the morning, knowing that tomorrow is an important game. I meditate, before struggling to fall asleep for a while.

It feels like I wake up as soon as I fall asleep, looking at my phone with burning eyes just to make sure the time is right. I turn it off and look at Tobin who is also grumbling about having to get up for the day. Regardless, I get up, get dressed and wash my face before heading downstairs. When I open the door to the lobby, Sonnet is waiting with a nerf gun, shooting me in the shoulder.

“Ow! What was that for?” I ask, slightly less sleepy than before.

“Why not?” Sonnet says, lowering the toy.

“Are you always this awake?” I ask, rubbing my eyes.

“Pretty much.” Sonnet deadpans with a shrug before walking away.

I get breakfast, disregarding Sonnet’s general Sonnet-ness. I eat slowly, knowing that the bus won’t leave for at least another hour. When it finally comes time to get on the bus, Ali is practically carrying a half asleep Ashlyn. Carli just looks frustrated with pregame nerves.

The bus ride is smooth, I know this because Sauerbrunn, who is usually either instructing the driver or yelling at the rest of us, is currently asleep in the first row of seats. Pulling up to the stadium, it’s Carli who makes all the announcements. She quickly tells us where to go and what to do before getting off of the bus herself, expecting the rest of us to follow her.

The walk to the locker room is tense. Canada is our biggest threat at Concacaf, and you can feel those nerves bleeding into the feeling of the friendly. Regardless, we all change and warm up, knowing that the game goes on whether we want it to or not.

I catch Mewis singing along to the Canadian national anthem, nudging her arm gently to get her to stop. We all take positions, waiting for the whistle to blow. When the first pass is made, I feel myself freeze, taking a deep breath and sprinting to the ball, marking their right winger. 

The first goal of the game starts with me. I steal the ball from Sinclair, who looks utterly dumbfounded, before passing it to Rapinoe. Rapinoe does a Tobin-style feint before putting the ball in the back of the net, and doing her signature pose. The crowd screams Rapinoe’s name, but Carli sprints straight towards me, wanting to celebrate it with me. 

The rest of the first half is quiet, no more scoring for either side. Carli misses a tackle, which I can tell is frustrating her. I lose track of time, just trying to keep the back line together. The whistle that ends the first half sounds, and we all rush to the bench, grabbing water. 

I look up to find Hope, knowing that she’s somewhere in the crowd, but not being able to find her. I give up after a minute, going to listen to Vlatko talk to us before the second half. He wants another goal, as do the captains.

We don’t manage to pull off another goal. The final whistle blows at 1-0. We celebrate, excited to have won, but all still nervous at how close the game was. 

I head to the locker room, showering and changing before getting approached right outside of the door by a man in a Canada jacket. 

“Could you follow me please? I’m with the Canadian teams administration.” The man says, gesturing for me to follow him into a side room.

“Um, yea sure. Is something wrong?” I ask, following him into the room.

He locks the door.

“What are you doing?” I ask with panic in my voice.

I’m not sure whether I should scream or cry. His hands start roaming to places they shouldn’t be. I feel my breathing stop. I try screaming and he hits me, my eye starting to throb. When he rips my clothes, I yell, tears running down my face. I can’t even begin to grasp what’s happening, I just know that I need it to stop. I logically know that must only be minutes, but as he’s violating me so horribly, it feels like hours.

Hope Solo bursts through the door, ripping the man off of me. I scramble backwards, frantically trying to cover myself with all of my ripped clothing that won’t stay up. Hope has got the man up against the wall, repeatedly hitting him. I slump down against the wall I was previously being held against, crying hysterically. 

Allie Long, finds herself in the room. Having no idea what’s occurred, but when she sees me, and then sees Hope attacking the bloody man, she moves to get me out of the room. She tries helping me to my feet, but I truly don’t think I can walk. She tries to pick me up, but with blood dripping between my legs, I yelp when I make contact. It’s that moment when she realizes definitively what’s happened. She picks me up in an odd way, having me wrap my arms around her shoulders, but holding my legs to the side so that she doesn’t inflict more damage. 

“Ashlyn, go get Vlatko and the team doc. Ali, go get Carli. Tobin and Naeher go stop Hope, she’s in the next room on the left. You can let Hope meet us in the locker room, but you have to stay with that man, he’s dangerous. Christen, call the cops. Everyone meet us in the locker room.” Allie instructs the first people she can find in the hallway.

I cling to Allie so tightly that my knuckles turn white. The whole world around me is blurry and I feel like I’m going to pass out. Allie talks to me the whole way to the locker room, but I can’t seem to make out any of the words. When she sets me down on a bench in the locker room, she takes a step back from me, not sure whether or not I want the physical contact right now. She goes to grab a sweatshirt and sweatpants from her bag, putting the sweatshirt over my head, and putting a foot in each leg of the sweatpants before motioning for me to stand up. She helps me pull them up over my waist, the band already bloody from a gash.

Hope is the first person to meet Allie and I back in the locker room. I cry harder, wanting Hope to be able to do something to make this better. She sits down next to me, gently moving me onto her lap. She’s covered in blood. Looking at her, I wonder whether it’s his blood or mine. Hope is crying too, feeling absolutely devastated.

Carli is the next one through the door. She has a hard time stopping, having charged into the mostly empty locker room in a full sprint. Krieger follows her, running, but not as fast as Carli.

“What the absolute fuck happened Long?” Carli growls at Allie, seeing that she’s also bloody.

“Carli I need you to take a deep breath and follow me outside of this locker room for a minute.” Allie says, completely calmly.

“I tried to tell her, but as soon as she heard that something happened to Tierna, she started running.” Ali says, desperate to explain herself.

Allie holds her hand up, telling Ali to stop it. She coaxes Carli out of the room, needing to tell her what happened to me. Carli reluctantly follows, stopping right outside of the door. There’s a quiet few minutes, followed by a sob. Now I know that Carli knows. She walks back into the room, looking just as devastated as Allie who follows her. Carli sits down on the other side of me, not knowing what to do, but wanting to do something.

The team doctor is the next person in the room. He and Ashlyn both run into the room. The team doctor tries to get Carli and Hope to back up from me, but I curl into Hope, wishing for the world to open up and swallow me. Vlatko walks into the room, before being grabbed by the doctor and taken back out. Christen walks in, telling Allie that the cops said that they should be here within the next ten minutes. She, Allie, Ashlyn and Ali stand right in a row, silently, their arms either wrapped around themselves or each other. 

“We’re going to need to take you to the hospital, you can take the ambulance out in front of the hospital.” Vlatko says, walking back in, followed by the doctor.

“Vlatko, you seem like a good man, a good coach. But I am going to take my kid, and I’m going to drive her to the hospital myself. If you need to send the doctor, or someone from administration, so be it. But do not intervene here.” Hope growls.

“I’ll have someone meet you at the hospital.” Vlatko says sympathetically, lowering his head and walking out of the room.

Allie moves to approach the three of us in our makeshift huddle.

“The police are going to be here in a minute. They’ll have enough to arrest him, but you need to wait for them to get here before you go to the hospital, okay?” Allie says sadly.

“Are you a good driver?” Hope asks blankly.

“Excuse me?” Allie says, not offended, just not sure that she heard Hope right.

“Are you a good driver?” Hope asks again, getting frustrated.

Allie nods.

“You’re driving. We’ll be with her in the backseat.” Hope says, reaching for her keys before tossing them to Allie.

I cling to Hope’s Lloyd jersey. It’s covered in blood and tears. I feel Carli’s hand, rubbing circles on my back. I feel like the world is ending.

“I don’t want to go.” I whisper too quietly for anyone to hear.

“What?” Hope says, her voice breaking between syllables. 

“I don’t want to go to the hospital.” I repeat, just barely loud enough for anyone to hear.

“I know we’re not close, but what just happened to you, has happened to me. I know that it feels like the absolute end of the world. I’m sure that right now you want to disappear into some void and never have to come back to this world. I know that you probably want to be taking a shower so hot that it burns, rather than going to the hospital. But you have to go. They’ll test you to make sure that he didn’t give you any STDs, and they have to check you out so that they can treat your injuries. Carli and Hope will be there the whole time.” Allie says to me, getting a nod from both Carli and Hope at the end.

My face breaks, but I nod, accepting that I’m going to have to go whether I want to or not. Curling even further into Hope, I hide my face from Vlatko, who’s being followed by two police officers. Before they have a chance to talk to me, Allie jumps to her feet.

“Follow me, the guy you’re looking for is in the next room.” Allie says, leading them to the room where Tobin and Alyssa are keeping the man who did this.

Carli strokes my hair, only letting stray tears fall now. Hope holds onto me as tightly as I’m holding on to her. I feel a complete emptiness inside of me, knowing that I’ve just been degraded to a point that makes me feel less than human. Allie walks back through the door, followed by Tobin and Alyssa. Alyssa’s holding a tissue to her nose.

“They don’t need to talk to any of us yet. He hit Alyssa and that was enough for them to arrest him. Hope, do you still want me to drive the three of you to the hospital?” Allie asks, her voice shaking a little bit.

Hope nods before looking at Carli, trying to figure out how to get me from the bench to the car. Allie seems to know what’s going on, and chimes in.

“Sweetie, is it okay if Hope or Carli carries you to the car the way that I carried you here? With your legs to the side?” Allie asks me as gently as possible.

I just nod, looking up at Hope, silently asking her to do it. She passes me over to Carli before standing up, getting ready to carry me to the car. Carli holds onto me, waiting for Hope to pick me up, before following the two of us as closely she possibly can to the car. She puts my bag in the trunk before climbing in next to me.

Allie unlocks the car, familiarizing herself with the setup while waiting for Carli, Hope and I to get settled in the backseat. I sit in between Carli and Hope, laying my head on Carli’s shoulder, while trying to hide my face in her neck. I wish I was invisible, and not sandwiched between two people, even though they’re providing the only comfort available to me. 

The GPS telling Allie where to go is the only thing that can be heard in the car, besides the occasional sniffle from Hope or I, who are still trying not to cry. Allie pulls up in front of the doors to the emergency room. Carli almost throws her wallet at Allie, telling her to park the car. Hope picks me up once again, looking down at me, pressing a kiss to my forehead. Carli opens the trunk, unzips my bag and quickly finds my wallet, silently hoping that my health insurance card is in it. She follows Hope and I into the emergency room, instructing Hope and I to sit down while she informs the front desk what’s happened.

Hope and I watch Carli go through the motions, reciting my information, and handing her my health insurance card before bringing back a hospital bracelet. Carli looks at me, silently asking if she can put the hospital bracelet on meo, waiting for a nod before doing so. No one seems to have the words to say anything.

Before long, Allie walks through the door, sitting down next to us, looking miserable, but wanting to be here anyways. When a nurse calls my name, Allie stops Hope before she tries to pick me up and brings over a wheelchair instead. She lets Carli and Hope transfer me into it, not wanting to get between either of them.

The nurse struggles to find a place to put the blood pressure cuff on my bruise-covered arm. She finds the place with the lightest bruising and raises both eyebrows at me, waiting for a nod before tightening it. I look down at the floor, still wishing that I was alone in some void, rather than surrounded by people who want to help me.

The nurse asks a few questions, all of which get answered by Carli. When she asks if they should send a social worker down, Carli defers to me. I shake my head no. The last thing I want to do right now is talk about what’s happened. The nurse nods sympathetically before taking us to a different room, letting us know that someone will be in shortly.

Allie types at her phone, presumably answering texts from confused teammates. I just try to focus on the slow passing of time. Eventually, a doctor comes, holding a small box, which I assume is a rape kit. My breath gets caught in my throat at the thought of doing any of it. Hope looks at me, panicked, and squeezes my hand. I exhale a shaky breath, but a breath nonetheless.

“I know that you don’t want to see me, or anything inside of this kit, but you’re making the right choice here. I want to make this as easy as possible for you, okay? We’re going to have to take some pictures, scrape under your nails, run a blood test, and inspect the vaginal area. We can do all of that in any order you want to do, and your friends here can stay or leave. It’s all in your hands.” The doctor says, brushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

“Can we just do the inspection first?” I ask miserably, wanting it to be over.

“Of course. We’re going to get you a gown to change into, and we’re going to get you up onto that table. Do you want your friends to stay?” The doctor asks slowly.

“Moms, will you stay?” I ask, my face still buried in Carlis' neck.

Hope puts her hand on Allie’s knee, silently telling her to get out. Allie gets up to leave, not looking hurt by being asked to. Carli then accepts the hospital gown that the doctor hands her before leaving the room for me to change. 

“Alright honey, this is the hard part. This is the hard part, but you’re going to be just fine, okay? I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you.” Hope says, her eyes welling up.

Carli tries to help with undressing me. She takes off Allies sweatpants and sweatshirt, revealing my torn shorts and sports bra. Carli almost lets out a sob at the thought of how much force it must have taken to rip a Nike sports bra. Nevertheless, she tries to help me take them off while not looking, covering me with the hospital gown when possible. 

After Hope helps me get up onto the table, Carli goes outside to get the doctor. I feel the knot in my stomach start to throb. The doctor comes back in, returning to the box she left on the counter. She grabs a few tools and a container, and moves next to me on the table.

“I can explain as much or as little about what I’m about to do. You might also want to reposition your Moms.” The doctor says, having caught that I called them my Mom’s when telling Allie to get out.

“Will-will you turn away? I don’t-I don’t want you to see.” I say, tears falling steadily.

Carli and Hope take a place on each side of the table, each of them facing the wall, but holding my hands.

“Please don’t say anything. Just do what you have to do.” I say quietly, preparing for the inspection to start.

When I yelp, all four of us wince. I’ve seen a lot of things in my nineteen years of life, but this by far is the worst of them. Hope cries as the doctor finishes the kit. She cries when they scrape my nails, when they draw my blood, when they take pictures of the injuries. She cries through the whole thing.

When the kit is finally over, the doctor leaves, letting us know that another doctor will be in to look at my injuries. I just nod, wiping at stray tears before letting Carli and Hope turn around. Carli gets up onto the table to sit next to me, but Hope leaves the room.

“Here’s my wallet and you have my keys. I need you to go to the closest Target and get Tierna clothes. The doctor thinks that she might have a bruised rib, so you can skip getting her a bra, but she’ll need underwear, baggy sweatpants, and a baggy sweatshirt. Can you do that?” Hope asks Allie, avoiding eye contact.

“You too?” Allie asks.

“Me too.” Hope says, talking about something much darker than clothes.

“She’s going to need someone who understands. And if she has a therapist, you should call them.” Allie says before taking the wallet and leaving.

Hope reopens the door and waits with Carli and I. When the new doctor comes, he orders an X-ray, and decides not to fight Hope when she insists on wheeling me to get it herself. Along with some bruising and light cuts, it turns out that I have two broken ribs and a bruised pelvis. Carli and Hope seem upset when the doctor tells us, but these words bear no weight to me.

The doctors were ready to discharge us to go home for the night, but upon hearing that we don’t have a hotel due to changed travel plans, they decided to keep me for “observation.” Allie comes back with clothes right before they move me to a new room for the night. She had bought all of us clothes, realizing that the only suitcase that might still be at the hotel was Hope’s and she didn’t foresee Hope leaving to go get a change of clothes. 

The doctor clears me to shower, as long as I don’t wash my hair, or bend too much due to my broken ribs. I ask Carli if she’ll help me wash my hair before I get in the shower. She moves a chair up to the sink, and helps me sit down before slowly washing my hair. Even after she’s done washing my hair, she insists on sitting outside of the shower, “just in case anything happens.” I turn the heat up so high that I burn myself, causing Carli to wince when she hands me a towel. 

Carli helps me get dressed. Tops are hard when you have broken ribs. After I’m dressed, I grab the hospital deodorant and the standard issue comb before Hope grabs the comb, insisting on helping me. 

Allie stays quiet through all of this. She knows that there isn’t anything she can say to make any of this better, but she damn well wants to try. Her phone buzzes constantly with messages from the team, of which she answers as vaguely as possible to protect my privacy. Eventually, she asks Hope to step outside. Hope looks up at her, shocked by the question, but gets up and follows her outside anyways.

“What are you planning on doing?” Allie asks.

“What do you mean?” Hope says, completely exhausted.

“Are you going to press charges? Are you going to get her a therapist? What are you going to do to make her life liveable while she can't play soccer?” Allie asks, presenting a plethora of questions. 

“I hadn’t thought of any of that. I don’t know about charges, but I’m going to guess not. The kid is just so tired and I can’t imagine putting her through court right now. She already has a therapist. I’ll call her in just a minute. She is going to be miserable without soccer, but I don’t work right now, so I can be home with her all the time. Allie, I have to be honest with you. I’m just trying to get us through the night.” Hope says, thinking out loud.

“She’s going to survive. You and I know that you never exactly recover from something like this. But you learn to carry it in a way that doesn’t hurt so much.” Allie says, sensing Hope’s stress.

“I’m going to call her therapist.” Is all Hope offers in response.

Allie re-enters the room, sitting down on the couch. Hope doesn’t come back in for at least a few minutes, but when she does, she lays down next to me. Carli lays on my left, and Hope on my right.

Eventually, doctors come in with pills for me. They tell me that one is to stop any unwanted pregnancies, and the other is to help me sleep. I take both, ready to be done with today. Allie prepares to sleep on a hospital couch with dread. Hospital beds are very clearly not meant to hold three people, but I fall asleep between my two Moms nevertheless. Hope and Carli stay awake, watching to be sure that I sleep peacefully, thinking that after today, I deserve a minute of peace.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The promised less-graphic summary of what happened last chapter: Hope moves in with Carli and Tierna. The US beats Canada, but Tierna is sexually assaulted right after the game. Allie and Hope rescue Tierna during the attack, and the three of them and Carli go to the hospital afterwards. They all fly back to New York.

The next few days are miserable. Between getting back to New York, and just trying to make life work for the three of us, we’re all exhausted. Everyone has come into newfound responsibilities. Hope calls lawyers and police officers, along with bringing me food and insisting that I eat it. Carli helps me shower in the morning, washing my hair before leaving to take her own shower. On our first night back,Carli went to the store, bringing back bandages and at least six swimming suits for both her and I. Hope and I were both confused by this, until she explained that the doctors insisted that for the next four weeks that someone else washes my hair. She also seems to be able to calm me down in just about any given situation. 

They both take turns trying to figure out how this happened. Hope explains how she got past security by just showing her ID and explaining that she was Hope Solo, a soccer legend. They let her go to meet us outside of the locker room instead of in the parking lot. She explains to Carli that she broke down the door when she heard screaming, the hallways being loud from the end of the game, but no one being in them. Without asking me, they came to the conclusion that I must have been the first one out of the locker room, anxious to meet Hope out in the parking lot. Hope gets various calls explaining that the man responsible, worked at the stadium. He sold tee shirts there, and all he needed to do to get past security was flash his ID. 

They each try to coax the smaller pieces of the story out of me. Never all at once, just a few questions a day. So far they’ve gathered that I followed him thinking he was a Canadian team administrator, and that Allie was the one who got me out of there. They know that no one was in the hallway, but that it was loud from all of the post-game noise. 

Hope seems to always be on the phone. Whenever she makes or gets a call, she rushes out of the room. I don’t mind too much, I haven’t really wanted to be around people, much less talk to them.

After my first doctors appointment in New York, the doctors insisted that either Carli or Hope sleep in the room with me to be sure to wake me up from nightmares where I thrash, not wanting for me to do further damage to my ribs. So everyday, I wake up with either Hope or Carli in my room. Most of the time it’s Hope, since Carli is still training. 

When I wake up, Carli helps me shower before training. I end up in tears from embarrassment almost every time. All she does is wash my hair before getting out and letting me shower alone, but the humiliation of needing help hurts in a way that’s just barely bearable. 

From there, Carli leaves for practice, and Hope and I do film analysis. Since it’s the only training I’m allowed to do with my ribs, Vlatko insisted I do it. He offered to send a trainer to do it with me. but when I told him that I would be doing it with Hope Solo, he was willing to let that fly. 

Hope usually brings me lunch while I watch myself play soccer on a screen. I never want to eat it, no matter what it is. I never feel hungry. However, with lots of coaxing from Hope, I end up eating. The same happens with dinner, but for dinner it’s Carli who does the coaxing. 

After a few hours of analysis and lunch, Hope tries to get me to do anything other than lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling. She’s tried board games, movies, and bringing people home so far. I never watch the movies, and when she brought Allie home, I could barely look at her. Most days she just turns on some music and sits with me, not knowing how to make things better.

When Carli comes home, they talk to each other about updates on what’s happened before talking to me about them. They tell me about various specialty doctors, lawyers, police officers, and people from each team’s administration. 

The lawyers talk about the complication of going through Canada’s court system, along with having me get up on the stand to testify. Both Carli and Hope are reluctant to have me testify, but no one wants to see him walk. Alyssa offered to prosecute him for hitting her, either on top of the charges that I haven’t decided on, or by herself. 

The doctors all say the same thing. I’m not allowed to train for another two and half weeks, meaning that I can train very lightly for the second half of the camp leading up to the Concacaf tournament. They want me sitting out for the first game, and only training for an hour and a half at a time.

The Canadian national team feels horrible about what happened. They’ve fired the man who did it, and they’ve offered to pay for whatever legal or medical fees I need help with. They’ve been good about the press. They’ve kept my name out of everything, protecting me from the public. 

Our team administration mostly talks to us about insurance and what my role on the team will look like when I return. They’ve also promised more security at every game. The teammates who were around for what happened have all reached out.

Allie calls me every day, and when I don’t answer, she texts both Carli and Hope for an update about how I’m doing. The others seem to constantly bring food. Tobin and Christen brought us a pizza one night, both having remembered that it’s my favorite. Ali and Ashlyn sent a fruit arrangement with a handwritten note that they both signed. Naeher did more than enough by offering to prosecute for her own assault. 

After the daily updates, I’m either in therapy, or reading a book. Maria had enough availability to meet with me twice a week, at least until I go back to training. So far, we haven’t really talked about what’s happened. I just kind of ramble for an hour and she nods and takes notes. She says things when she can, but there are no words that can make this better.

After that Carli, Hope and I just spend time together in the same room until we decide it’s time to go to bed. Tonight being a night where I feel more comfortable with the two of them, we're just laying on the couch together, barely paying attention to a movie that’s on in the background. Carli is lying between Hopes legs, her back to Hope's chest. I lie the exact same way, but on Carli. Hope is lazily watching the movie, Carli is playing with hair, and I’m calmly fidgeting with my nails. Everytime they move, I flinch. So Carli announces that she has to get up verbally, before doing so physically.

Hope watches me stare blankly at the floor on the other end of the couch. This time, when Carli lies back down with Hope, I just stay on the other side of the couch, not wanting the contact anymore. They both look at me sadly, and I avoid the eye contact, wishing that there was something I could do to make this easier for them. 

“You can’t slouch, you’ll hurt your ribs. Hope and I can move so that you can lay down if you’d like.” Carli offers in a way that's not sad, just tired.

“You two don’t have to move, I can just go sit in the chair, I’ll keep my back straight, I promise.” I say, happy to do this one thing to not inconvenience them.

Hope senses how uncomfortable I am, and tells me that I can go to my room to read before bed. She promises that she’ll be up shortly. I don’t argue, I just get up and carefully head upstairs.

“Carli what are we doing here?” Hope asks Carli, defeatedly.

“What do you mean?” Carli asks, sitting up to face her girlfriend.

“She’s miserable, and I can’t stand to watch it anymore.” Hope says, her voice sounding a little shaky.

“Hope you better not be leaving right now, because if you leave, I will not ever, ever-” Carli starts before getting cut off by Hope.

“I promised both of you that I wasn’t leaving. I’m not leaving. What I meant, was that I can’t just watch her like this. We have to do something. I know that therapy is helping, but there has to be something else we can do.” Hope says, a little sad that Carli had assumed she was leaving.

“What do you suggest? It’s not like fucking disney world can make this better.” Carli says dryly.

“Carli, you know that I know that there isn’t anything that can fix this. But if there’s anything that can make this more bearable for that girl, then goddamn I want to do it.” Hope says, determined to not just let this go.

“I don’t want to adopt her yet. I mean, I want to adopt her, but I want her to be in a clearer headspace when she decides to legally become ours.” Carli says, finally taking this seriously.

“What about a dog?” Hope asks blankly.

“That isn’t the worst idea I’ve ever heard.” Carli replies, usually opposed to the idea of getting a dog.

“I don’t want to do anything without asking her. She needs to see that she has choices right now. But maybe tomorrow I could mention it to her therapist and see what she thinks about it?” Hope says, reaching for Carli’s hand.

“I just want to make this go away. I love her so much.” Carli says, with her voice blank but her emotions clearly running high.

“I love her as much as you do but we can’t make this go away. But we can hold her hand while she figures out how to survive this.” Hope says, her voice sounding more optimistic than anyone’s had in days.

“They’re waiting for us to tell them if we want to press charges.” Carli says, reminding Hope that this miserable process isn’t over.

“They can wait until tomorrow. Let her talk to her therapist about it. I want him behind bars as much as anyone, but I want her to come out of this on the other side, and if testifying is going to derail that, then we have to think about that.” Hope says.

“We should go to bed. I have training tomorrow and you should go be with our girl.” Carli says, getting up and kissing Hope’s forehead.

Hope and Carli make their way upstairs, Hope to sleep on a mattress laid out on my floor, and Carli to sleep alone in her bed. It’s the first night since Canada where we all sleep peacefully through the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t even know if anyone reads these, but I wanted to write a longer authors note following last chapter. I know that a lot of you guys are upset with me, rightfully so. This story is really, really dark, and I take full responsibility for that. What I want you to know, is that this story is 75% fiction, and 25% my way of coping with my own traumatic experiences through writing about other people experiencing them. I know that some of you think that this story is logically unrealistic, and while I personally have to disagree with that, as a writer I want to improve it. If there is anything that I can do to make this story seem more realistic or enjoyable for you, please let me know in the comments. I’m always looking for suggestions for situations you guys would like to see. I even want to open that up to new works, if there’s something that you guys want me to write, let me know and I’ll try to make it happen. To ease the angst of this fic, I’m writing a nothing-but-fluff piece about Christen and Tobin. It’s called Paint Brush Holders and Lesson Plan Folders, if you guys are interested in balancing out some of the angst.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. My 18th birthday and high school graduation fell in the same week so this kinda fell in terms of priority. However it should be back to regular updates now!

“A dog?” Maria asks, not sure that she heard Hope right.

“Well, we wanted to do something to make this more bearable for T. I’ve wanted a dog for a really long time, but Carli has just not come around to it.” Hope gushes, daydreaming of puppies.

“It sounds like Carli usually wouldn’t be okay with this, but is okay with it due to the current situation.” Maria states, referring to clusterfuck of a situation I have managed to find myself in.

Hope and I look at each other before nodding.

“Is Carli truly okay with getting a dog, or is this something that she’s agreeing to as a coping strategy?” Maria asks, causing Hope and I to look at each other in introspection.

“I don’t want a dog if Carli doesn’t want a dog.” I admit sadly.

“Kid, Carli wants whatever is going to help you. And while I was hoping for a great dane or a saint Bernard, maybe we could compromise and get you a smaller dog.” Hope says, insistent on getting a dog.

“I don’t want to bother Carli more than I already have to.” I say sadly.

Hope winces, she knows what I mean. Maria knows what I mean as well, but she’s going to make me explain it to her as if she doesn’t.

“Could you expand on that?” Maria asks expectantly.

“You know what I mean. I can’t even shower without her.” I admit, looking down.

“Does Carli mind?” Maria asks blatantly.

“She says she doesn’t.” I don’t.

“You seem to believe that although Carli hasn’t said anything, that she dislikes helping you anyways. Why is that?” Maria asks, not cutting any corners.

“I don’t know where the line is.” I say, almost inaudibly.

Both Hope and Maria look at me with complete confusion, having no idea what I meant by that statement. Instead of verbally asking a follow up question, Maria raises her eyebrows to ask me one silently.

“There’s always a line. There’s always something that’s too much. With my parents it was that I was gay, with my ex-girlfriend it was that I was depressed. There’s always a line. But I guess th-that I just thought that with Hope and Carli, that maybe I wouldn’t have to get close to the line. And then Canada happened, and now I don’t know where I stand.” I say, so paranoid that I might cry.

“Honey is this why you haven’t been calling Carli or I Mom?” Hope asks, looking worriedly at me.

I nod hard, but in little motions.

“Honey, you’re right. There are lines. But not ones like that. There are lines that might get crossed and if they do that might mean that something needs to be addressed. But there isn’t anything that you could do to make Carli and I not love you anymore. I also want to say that what happened in Canada, isn’t something that you could control. Carli and I don’t love you any less because of what happened. We’re still going to do everything we can to help you. Especially now. Okay kid?” Hope says, both eyebrows raised in the expectation of a response.

“Okay Mum.” I say quietly. 

“When did you start calling Hope Mum and not Mommy?” Maria asks observantly.

“A while back. We decided that Mommy was too childish and Mama had another attachment for me.” I say, trailing off at the end in defeat.

“We’re almost done with the session, but Tierna can I ask you to wait in the lobby for a minute while I ask Hope a few questions?” Maria asks, opening the door, leading me out to the lobby.

“Hope, have you or Carli gone to seek any professional help?” Maria asks.

“I mean? I thought that’s what you are?” Hope says, a puzzled look on her face.

“No, not for Tierna. For yourself.” Maria says, clarifying that she had wanted Hope and Carli to be seeking therapy for their situation.

“Why would I do that?” Hope asks, completely confused as to why Maria would even suggest such a thing.

“You don’t need to see a therapist. I just thought I would ask. Typically Mothers also feel a great deal of grief when their child is raped. You and Carli might want to give some thought to the idea.” Maria states, not pushing, but strongly suggesting.

Hope doesn’t respond, she just disappears into her own head.

“How is Tierna doing at home?” Maria asks.

“She’s okay.” Is all Hope has to offer.

“Is she isolating from you and Carli, or is she spending time with you?” Maria asks, determined to find a specific answer.

“She’s kind of dependent on us right now. With her ribs and all.” Hope says, adding the last part rather abruptly.

“Does she seem more, or less like herself since what happened in Canada?” Maria asks, scratching notes on her clipboard.

Hope stops to think for a minute. She knows her own kid, she does. But she doesn’t quite know how to put it into words.

“Well. It’s not exactly like she was happy before. But before Canada, we could talk to her or just spend a little time with her, and you could just watch her ease into happiness. But now? Now you can talk to her, and she might perk up for a little bit, but right after the moment is over? Her eyes glaze over again.” Hope says, trying to put words to something that she doesn’t even know that she understands yet.

“I think that maybe, for right now, content might be a better goal. Happy is a stretch after something as traumatic as what happened to Tierna occurred.” Maria says, offering only a sad smile.

“I can do that.” Hope replies.

A few more lines about a potential puppy are spoken between Maria and Hope as they show up in front of me. I stand up, flashing Hope the keys, and waving to Maria. Hope catches the keys while Maria reminds me of my next appointment. I follow her out to the car, sensing that she’s thinking pretty hard about something. She doesn’t usually want to drive my car unless she’s in a weird mood that involved a very particular level of turmoil. 

“Are you okay?” I ask gently from the passenger's seat.

“Yea Kid. I’m okay. Are you okay?” Hope says, asking the last question abruptly.

I nod. looking back and forth between Hope and the windshield. After my awkward nod, there’s a silence that follows us home. When Hope pulls into the driveway, I look at her instead of getting out of the car.

“Your Mom is home.” Hope says, pointing to Carli’s car, which is now parked in the garage.

“Will it bother her if we get a dog?”

“She would do anything to help you, and truth be told, appease me.” Hope says, winking at the last part.

Hope smiles when she sees me get out of the car, happy to have put off any major insecurities about a possible dog. She smiled to herself as she watched me trip over my own foot trying to get through the door. I grabbed my ribs just so that she would rush to my side and immediately feel guilty about laughing. Which she promptly did, but when her look of concern was met with a giggle she just pinched the crook of her nose and tried not to smile.

Carli isn’t in the living room or the kitchen when we walk through the door, expecting to find her. Normally Hope would just yell out her name, and her mouth moves to do so, but she cuts herself off before making any sound. She opts instead for the stairs, quickly moving to check the bedroom to see if Carli is taking a post-practice nap. Based on the way Hope sneaks back down the stairs, I’m going to guess she’s currently asleep upstairs.

“She’s asleep.” Hope whispers in the quietest tone I have ever heard her use.

I don’t respond, I just smile a little and sit down, grabbing my book from the coffee table. Hope turns the TV to an old black and white movie that’s already halfway over. She moves to lie down on the couch, but while doing so, realizes that even curled up, she’ll have to lay her head in my lap. She cranes her neck and looks up at me with wishful eyes and two narrowed eyebrows. I don’t say anything, I just brush a stray piece of hair behind her hair, silently telling her it’s okay. She adjusts quickly, nuzzling into my lap and bending her knees inwards. She watches her movie, but she also watches me read. I try focusing on the words on the page, but I get distracted by the twitch of Hope’s feet at the other end of the couch. I can tell that she’s been watching me.

“Whatcha readin?” She asks, all sleepily.

“Gatsby.” I say contentedly, without looking up from my book.

“I read that in high school.” Hope says, sounding almost surprised.

“Me too.” I say, smiling at her before looking back to the book.

Hope’s movie finishes after a few more minutes. She watches what comes on next, but not for very long. She turns the TV to something else before turning it off all together. Despite not doing anything, she stays laying down with her head resting in my lap. I keep reading my book, partially waiting for her to say something, or for Carli to wake up. Hope is in between being awake and asleep, the only indication of her awakeness being the occasional arm adjustment. When I finally get to a place in the book where I don’t feel like reading it anymore, I put my bookmark in, and put it back on the coffee table. Hope’s eyes open to look at me, I assume for some sort of direction as to what to do. When I don’t respond, she gets up and heads for the stairs.

“I’m going to go wake your Mom.” Is all she offers as an explanation for the subtle change.

When Hope opens the door to the bedroom still littered with boxes from her recent move in, Carli is awake and sitting up in her bed. She’s got both brows furrowed in frustration while scrolling through something on her laptop. She doesn’t even look up at Hope when she enters the room.

“Babe?” Hope asks cautiously, moving towards a very focused Carli.

“Hang on.” Is all Carli says, not even looking up 

from her computer.

Hope sits down next to Carli and lays her head on her shoulder, waiting for Carli to tell her what’s going on. After a few minutes, Carli’s stops scrolling, and pops her head up to look at Hope. 

“Canada called today.” Carli says, very clearly scrambled.

“What do you mean Canada called?” Hope asks, very confused for a split second, before realizing more or less what her girlfriend must be talking about.

“What did they say?” Hope says, encouraging Carli to explain whatever seems to be currently going on.

“Don’t get mad.” Is all Carli says.

Hope can feel her stomach drop.

“Canada called and they said that they needed to know whether or not we were pressing charges, and I panicked, and I said yes. I looked it up and she doesn’t have to testify if she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t even have to go to court if she doesn’t want to. And if she really wants to have the charges dropped we can do that, but I didn’t want him walking the streets, okay? I-I didn’t want him walking the streets.” Carli says, her voice escalating and eyes watering.

Hope quickly feels her anger melt, as she wraps her girlfriend up. She kisses Carli’s hairline and wishes that there was just something, just one thing, that she could do to make this better for them.

“We have to go tell her, okay?” Hope says, leaning back just a little. 

Carli nods miserably.

“Can we go get a puppy afterwards?” Carli asks after a quick silence.

“We can talk to her about that too.” Hope says, pulling Carli up from bed.

When Hope and Carli open their bedroom door, they can hear that I've relocated based on the quiet jazz music coming from my room. Carli reaches for Hope’s hand before knocking on my door with the other one, opening it before I even say anything. Neither of them say anything right away, Carli just turns off the record player before asking permission to lay next to me. Hope takes the permission I gave to Carli as permission to lie down on the other side of me. So now we’re all three lying face up right in a row, on a twin bed, in a silent room. 

“I told Canada that you would press charges.” Carli says after a long silence.

Another long silence ensues. It's not comfortable or uncomfortable, it’s just silent.

“How did you have the authority to do that?” I ask.

“Right before you passed out at the hospital, you signed something for the cops so that Hope and I could help make decisions. It’s why we’ve been getting the phone calls.” Hope cuts in.

“Okay.” Is all I say.

“You’re not mad?” Carli says, turning to face me, a shocked look on her face.

“Do I have to do anything about pressing charges right now?” I ask, still completely calm, but definitely saddened.

“No.” Carli says, laying back down.

“Then no.” I say, not feeling like talking much.

“Let’s go get a dog.” Carli says, her voice serious, but completely blank.

“We don’t have to. I know you don’t really want to get a dog.” I reply.

“I want to go get you and Hope a dog. Come on, we’re getting a dog.” Carli says, getting up, motioning for me to follow her

The next half an hour entailed rushing around to find shoes, keys, phones, wallets, ID’s, and a drive filled with reassurances that it was okay that we were getting a dog. Hope didn’t even sing on the drive over because she was so excited at the thought of a puppy. When we were asked if there was a specific kind of dog we wanted, Carli struggled to find the word for “puppy” just because she was overwhelmed by how excited Hope and I were.

Hope had eyes on a big grey and black spotted great dane. Carli walked back and forth looking at all of the dogs, wishing that we could give them all homes. I managed to find a medium sized dog with big brown eyes. I kneeled down, back straight for my ribs, in front of her, and she let one ear flop down. I felt Carli walk up behind me.

“Hope, I think this is the one.” Carli says, much to Hope’s disappointment.

Carli works with the front desk to have background checks run and ID’s checked, all of the paperwork filed. Hope picks out more than enough puppy supplies, while I just stay kneeled in front of her cage. I just pet her through the bars while I wait for Carli to come tell me that I can take her home.

“Does she have a new name? We need to know for paperwork purposes.” Carli says, reappearing out of nowhere.

I pause for a minute, looking at her and trying to decide what name would fit such a sweet dog. 

“Harley?” I say, half asking Carli.

“I think that’s a great name.” Carli replies before scurrying off to finish the paperwork. 

While petting Harley, I grab the copy of Harley’s file from the top of her cage. She’s six months old, good with other kids and dogs, mostly house trained, and she was abandoned by her previous owner. I set down the chart.

“You and me both, huh?” I ask, petting Harley behind the ears.

It’s at that minute that Hope and Carli reappear with two big bags of dog supplies, along with a folder of adoption papers. A man comes to open the cage, and Hope gets the collar and leash out of the bag, ready to put them on her before putting her in the car and taking her home. Since Harley walks pretty well, Hope lets me hold her leash, while she holds the bags, and Carli puts the food in the trunk. 

The drive home is fun. Even Carli seems to be giggly about how cute our new puppy is. Hope looks at her in the rearview mirror, clearly through the rough about being a dog owner. Harley happily sits on my lap, licking my face every so often, and looking out the window.

When we get home, I go outside with Harley, while Carli makes dinner with Hope. Harley seems content to just trot in circles around Carli’s giant backyard while I sit in a chair on the patio watching her. When Hope taps on the window, I call Harley’s name before realizing that she probably doesn’t know it yet, so I just whistle. She sprints towards the backdoor, hoping that her dinner is at the same time as ours.

“I’ll feed Harley.” I offer up.n

“Don’t hurt your ribs.” Carli warns while pointing a cooking spoon at me.

Hope sets the table and puts everything together while I give Harley water and the correct portion of food. Carli yells that dinner is ready and motions for me to join her and Hope at the table. I carefully get back up and go sit down with them, next to Hope and across from Carli. I still don’t feel like talking, but I listen to them talk about how Carli’s practice was and how she expects training for the Concacaf tournament to go. 

Halfway through dinner, Harley just trots over and jumps up on my lap. I burst out laughing before telling her that she has to stay down while I’m eating, but that we can go to be after dinner. Hope and Carli look the happiest they’ve been in weeks to see me laugh. Nevertheless I finish dinner and go upstairs with Harley, kissing Hope and Carli goodnight and going to bed early. They look a bit nervous but not upset.

“She looks more content than she has.” Carli starts, clearing the table as she talks.

“Her therapist said that it’s going to take a long, long time. But also, I want to talk to you about something else her therapist said to me today while T wasn’t in the room.” Hope says, half asleep.

“And that would be?” Carli encourages.

“She said we should look into therapy.” Hope says candidly.

“Why? She thinks we fight too much? Things have been great since you’ve come back!” Carli says, clearly flustered.

“No, babe, not like that, don't worry. Not couples counseling. She thinks we should look into getting therapists because of what we’re going through.” Hope rushes to tell Carli.

“Oh.” Carli says.

“Well what do you think about that?” Carli adds after a pause.

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s worth a shot.” Hope says with a shrug.

“We can try it.” Carli says, finishing off the dishes.

“We can, but you know what? Right now, T had the right idea, getting in bed early sounds wonderful.” Hope says, rubbing at her eyes.

Carli just smiles and follows Hope to bed, ready to sleep for at least eight hours.


	26. Chapter 26

Harley is the only person who might be just as excited as I am for my ribs to heal. I’m only allowed to throw her ball underhandedly, so that I don’t hurt my ribs. She doesn’t seem to mind, but I have to imagine that once she sees the distance added to my throw when I’m allowed to twist my torso to get more power, she’ll be thrilled. 

Vlatko reaches out every so often to ask about my ribs and also what happened in Canada. He never really knows how to phrase it. I always just say that it’s going fine and move on to tell him about film analysis with Hope. No matter how many times I turn it down, he still offers to send out someone to watch the games with me. 

At this point, I’m allowed to be in physical therapy, which I do with the team physical therapist. She knows enough about me to know how my face contorts when I’m in pain, and how it contorts when I’m in pain but trying to make it look like I’m not. She thinks that if I keep resting adequately, that I could be back on the field for camp, and in real playing shape by halfway through Concacaf.

I’m sitting in the waiting room for a follow up doctor's appointment that I managed to talk both Hope and Carli into not going to. Neither was happy about not coming, but Carli has practice, and Hope is currently speaking to a college soccer team. I drove my car all the way here, and no one sang or hummed. It was kind of odd, but it was nice to have the space. 

I’m pulled out of my own thoughts as the doctor calls my name. I follow the nurse to the little station with the scale, and the blood pressure cuffs, letting her evaluate me for a fever and take my height. She looks impressed by my heart rate and blood pressure, her eyebrows raising and the corners of her mouth twitching outwards. I smile at her, happy that someone thinks that I’m doing something right. I let her lead me into the doctor's office and ask me a few questions about different medications, daily routines, and rib pain. She hands me a gown before leaving the room, letting me know that I had to change into it and get up on the table for the doctor.

I sit with my feet dangling back and forth off of the exam table, waiting for the doctor. My ponytail swings nervously, and I tuck stray hairs back into it every once in a while. I fidget with the hem of the hospital gown and the edge of the protective covering on the exam table. My head snaps up as the doctor opens the door, smiling at me and closing it gently behind her.

“Tierna. Good to see you.” Dawn says pleasantly, but not too excitedly.

“Good to see you too.” I say pathetically, cringing at the way it sounds coming out of my mouth.

“So tell me about your pain.” Dawn says, not beating around the bush like most doctors would.

I tell her about my rib pain with excessive twisting, how most of my bruising is gone. She nods, listening to my heart and lungs with her stethoscope. She asks about how I've been sleeping, and I try to tell her about my less than average nights of sleep while also avoiding telling her about the nightmares. She checks my eyes and ears, completely avoiding eye contact. 

“Are you having nightmares?” Dawn asks, moving my gown to look at faded bruising, still not making eye contact.

She looked up at me after a minute, because all I did was nod. She asks if I’m still seeing my therapist, and recommends that for the time being, it stays that way. I assure her that it will, and fidget nervously, hoping that she’ll tell me I can go soon. Despite the general socially awkward sense of the room, Dawn notices this and jumps to tell me that she just has to ask a few more questions before she can let me go.

“Are you intending to return to work on the date we discussed?”

I nod.

“Are your nightmares preventing you from getting sleep?”

I shake my head slightly, only lying a little bit.

“Do you have people at home that you can talk to about your pain, physical and otherwise?” Dawn asks.

I pause for a minute, but I nod.

After that, Dawn lets me go. She’s happy enough with the state of my body to let me play soccer by the end of next week. Even Carli is more skeptical than she is, but Carli is the most protective of me. Hope has her protective moments, but Hope plays dirtier than Carli does. Either way, Dawn thinks that by the end of next week, despite whatever it is that Hope and Carli think.

I come home to a surprisingly empty house, only Harley greeting me at the door. I take her for a walk and give her some fresh water before deciding to go into the city. I don’t know what it is about today, but something feels off, so I pet Harley goodbye, grab my keys and my bag, and I head to the city.

Not even forty five minutes into my drive, my phone starts ringing in the passenger seat. I press accept, putting it on speaker after seeing that it was Hope who was calling.

“Honey? Where are you? I just got home and your Mom is here but you aren’t.” Hope says, not alarmed, but not exactly calm either.

“ Mum I came home from the doctor and I took Harley for a walk. I decided to drive to the city.” I say, offering no explanation as to why.

“Why are you going to the city? Is everything okay?” Hope scrambles to say, nervous about why I've ventured out alone. 

Hope says something muffled, I can tell that she’s talking to Carli who’s in the room with her and not me. 

“Can we come meet you? In the city?” Hope asks nervously, her questions clearly influenced by Carli.

“Um. Yea.” I say, not knowing why I was driving to the city in the first place.

“Okay. Let us feed Harley and then we’ll meet you there. Wait. Where should we meet you?” Hope asks, scrambling to figure out the mechanics of this impromptu trip.

“Meet me in Central Park?” I ask.

“We’ll be there as soon as possible.”

The rest of the drive is calm, the traffic lighter than I had expected. When I finally get into the city, I don’t even know what to do. I check my phone to find texts from both Carli and Hope as to where they are on the road, and that they can’t wait to see Central Park. Checking my clock, I find that I have another half an hour until Hope and Carli will get to the city. I spend the first fifteen minutes of that half an hour trying to park my car, but for the second half I walk through Central Park, looking at the city that’s buzzing with life.

I sit on a park bench with a book, paying more attention to what’s going on around me than anything that’s going on in my book. My backpack buzzes at my feet, turning out to be a text from Carli telling me that they’ve parked the car and are walking to the park now.

“New York?” Hope says inquisitively, Carli playfully shoving her as she does it.

“I don’t know. I thought I’d do something before I go back to work next week.” I say honestly, having no real idea as to why I’m here.

“Let’s go to the Met.” Carli says, looking at Hope and I for some indication of interest.

I look up at Hope, partially looking for some type of permission. She looks at me with a smile and then takes Carli’s hand, leading the way to the Metropolitan Art Museum. I follow them, just one step behind them at almost all times, letting the buzz of the city course through me. I can feel Carli glancing at me, sensing my nervousness, but also my excitement. She grabs my hand, squeezes it one time, and then lets it go.

When we get to the ticket booth, Hope buys three tickets before I even have time to protest. I glare playfully at Hope, who smirks at me, knowing that she’s managed to remain one step ahead of me, at least for the time being. We put our bags in the bins and walk through the metal detectors, silently panicking over nothing. All of our bags come up clean, same with the keys we toss into the boxes. We grab our bags and trinkets, stepping out of the way and looking at each other, trying to decide what to do first.

Hope wanders off with the confidence she had when I first met her, Carli follows along, and I just try to avoid being skittish. Hope walks slowly enough while we follow her, we see all of the paintings, but she finally stops at a giant portrait of a woman. Portrait of Madame X. She stops in front of a Portrait of Madame X. Hopes head tilts, clearly intrigued by something about the painting in front of her. I split my time, looking at both the painting, and Carli and Hope. Carli nuzzles up to Hope, holding her hand and watching the painting with her. I almost blush, and I look away, at least a little bit uncomfortable with their pda, but also finding it sweet.

Hope eventually decides that she’s seen enough of the Singer-Sargent painting and walks away. We wander through the medieval paintings, Hope pointing at the ugliest creatures and saying “that’s you” to Carli, who playfully shoves her. What surprises me the most about our afternoon at the Met, is Hope’s displays of affection towards me. Sure, Carli squeezed my hand once on the walk over, but Hope has been pressing kisses to my hair line and wrapping her arm around me whenever we stop at paintings. We’re one Subaru away from being some sort of odd little family of gay women.

When we get to the impressionism section of the Met, it’s Carli who starts leading the way. You can tell just by the way that eyebrows narrow that she's invested in what’s going on. Hope nudges me with her elbow to point out just how deep in thought Carli is at the Degas paintings. I shuffle my feet a little, not enjoying the bright colors as much as Carli seems to be. After a minute, Carli turns to look at Hope and I who are standing next to each other, behind her. She tilts her head, waiting for Hope to lead us wherever we’re going to be led. Instead of walking away in her adidas clad feet, Hope turns to look at me.

“What do you want to see?” She asks, completely reasonably.

“I don’t mind. We can see whatever you want.” I say skittishly. 

“Have you ever been to the Met?” Carli asks curiously, but also a little gently.

“I’ve never been to an art museum. I went to a science museum on a class trip once.” I say, looking at my feet.

Hope takes a step towards me while Carli looks away, clearly at least a little upset with what I’ve just disclosed. Hope wraps her arm around my shoulder and has me lay my head on her shoulder. She turns to look at Carli who’s collecting herself, and leads me to her. Carli wraps her arm around Hope’s waist, making all three of us a little unit, and we stay like that for at least a minute.

“I guess we’ll have to see the whole thing then, huh?” Hope says, leading us out of the center of the impressionist gallery.

“We don’t have to. It’s okay.” I try to reassure Hope, not wanting to make any waves.

“No, let’s see the whole thing.” Carli says, a bittersweet smile on her face.

Carli was thinking about the childhood that I missed out on, art museums, and chocolate milk, and riding a bike around in the neighborhood. She knows she can’t give me that, but she holds my hand and walks me through the Met, hoping to give me a piece of what I missed out on. She points out the pop art, before moving on to neoclassicism. I feel kind of bad as she looks at me expectantly throughout every gallery, just waiting for something to pop out to me. I like most of it, but none of it makes me want to stop dead in my tracks to stare. 

It’s Rembrandt that eventually gets me. I see Aristotle with a Bust of Homer, and I slow down a little, before scoming to a complete stop. It's dark, but the shapes are defined and the colors stand out. I just look at it, partially in awe, and I feel both Hope and Carli looking at me. We become a unit again, Hope wrapping her arm around my shoulder and Carli holding my hand. Carli lays her head on my shoulder and sighs, content to have found our own little piece of happiness within our cesspool of a situation.

Hope, who is also happy, grabs each of our hands and leads us towards the museum's little shop since we’ve seen all of the galleries. She drops our hands once we head inside, and immediately becomes the goofball that Carli loves, but can’t admit that she loves. I watch Hope pick up a mask just to hide behind a corner to scare Carli, causing Carli to make the face she makes when her heart drops but she doesn’t want to scream. Hope starts beaming, absolutely thrilled with her work, but I just smile a little, not wanting to make Carli too mad. She responds back by walking away, chin held high, clearly not angry, but wanting for Hope to chase after her, which Hope promptly does.

Hope follows Carli to a section of wind mobiles for your garden. She tries to ring just one of them, but ends up making most of them make noise. This time, Carli does raise an eyebrow. I just look at prints while they have their clearly melodramatic moment. I pace for a few minutes, wanting to give them some time to themselves, but eventually they show back up by my side. 

Hope insists on getting something for the house to commemorate our first trip to the Metropolitan. Carli suggests one of the loud garden mobiles that Hope set off just to embarrass her, but Hope and I start looking for something small. I suggest a magnet for the fridge, and no one seems to have any objections. Hope takes it up to the counter and takes out her wallet to pay for it, but I snake my arm around her waist and put my card in the chip reader before she can even say anything about it. I get a playful glare from Hope, and a roll of the eyes from Carli, but both of them are mildly annoyed at best.

We move out of the way and awkwardly stand together, trying to figure out what to do as Hope puts the magnet in her backpack. Eventually Carli starts walking towards a door that leads us to fifth avenue. Once again, we stand on the sidewalk trying to figure out what to do with ourselves.

“Home?” Carli asks, leaving room for a yes or a no.

“Kid? What do you think?” Hope asks, not so sure.

Once again, I find myself shuffling my feet, wishing that they would just tell me what they want to do so that I can follow. I don’t even know what I came to New York to see.

“I don’t mind. Either way.” I say, trying to sound confident to appease Hope.

“Well what did you want to see here?” She asks, making sure that the Met was in fact what I wanted to see.

“I don’t know. Coming here was an impulse decision. I’ve just never seen the city and thought that it might be nice to have a change of pace for a minute.” I say honestly.

Hope looks at Carli, silently asking her if we can spend a few more minutes in the city before going back to our currently quiet, sad, suburban lifestyle.

“Do you want to go see the Empire State Building?” Carli asks, winking at Hope who is now smiling.

“I think I’d like that.” I say, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.


	27. Chapter 27

The end of the New York trip was a mess. Carli and Hope both offered to have one of them drive their car home while one of them rode with me. When I denied, they offered to pay for parking. After I eventually convinced them that I could drive home alone, we spent the next hour and fifteen minutes following each other to Carli's house. 

We parked our cars next to each other in Carli’s garage following each other into the house. Hope kisses my hairline and tells me to go to bed, and that she and Carli would have to talk to me tomorrow. Carli follows that up by telling me to sleep well, and that in the morning we’ll have to talk about phasing me back into soccer. I hug her, before hugging Hope again, and then walk upstairs, leaving them alone downstairs. I wash my face and put on my pajamas before slipping into bed, falling asleep for the night.

It’s Hope who wakes me up in the morning after not hearing my usual morning alarm go off. She brings me chocolate milk and an ibuprofen, but tells me not to tell Carli about either. I accept both with a sleepy grin, happy to have the light dose of ibuprofen for my ribs. I swallow the pill and swing my legs around to the side of the bed to sit next to Hope. She ruffles my hair, and I wriggle up my nose, laying my head on her shoulder. 

“Let’s go meet your Mom downstairs, okay kid?” 

“Okay.”

I can see Carli curled up on the couch with Harley from the stairs. Hope grabs a blanket and wraps herself up before sitting down on the couch next to Carli, gesturing for me to sit down next to her. I sit down on the other end of the couch, clearly not close enough for Hope, because she pouts a little and pats the space next to her. I wriggle a little closer, getting ready for the coming conversation.

“You can train again on the fifth. Vlatko, Becky, and I sat down and had a meeting about it and we thought the best game plan for the first two days of training was individual training with one of the trainers. Half an hour on and half an hour on. How does that sound so far?” Carli asks.

“You had an entire meeting about me? Without me there?” I say, wanting to make it clear that I am not pleased with this.

“Wait, I promise it didn’t start out like that. This isn’t even the official meeting that means that you get to train with the team again. Becky and I were talking about it in the hallway, and Vlatko walked by and wanted to join in. So yes, we did talk about it without you, which was wrong and I’m sorry. But I promise that Vlatko is going to call you and ask for an individual meeting. He values you as a professional soccer player. I can tell you that much.” Carli says, half flustered, but genuine.

I take a minute to think that over, slightly upset by their lack of respect for my professionalism, but overall okay with what occurred. I quickly calm down and nod, looking down. Hope tucks a piece of hair behind my ear, and puts a hand on my knee, silently asking if I’m okay. I nod again, once again ready for the rest of the conversation.

“So Vlatko is going to call you tomorrow.” Carli adds after letting Hope and I have our moment.

“If anyone knows a thing or two about not being in control of their own career, it’s me, and I don’t think that’s what’s happening to you. You have input, they just had an impromptu meeting, okay?” Hope follows up.

“I know. It’s okay. I’ll meet with Vlatko.” I say genuinely.

“Becky and I want to reimplement the weekly meetings. Especially this week and next week with Concacaf coming up. Is that okay?” Carli asks gently.

“I can meet with you and Becky, but is she going to want to train with me?” I ask with a bit of dread laced in my voice.

“Hey now. She probably will want to train with you leading up to Concacaf, but not because she wants to intimidate you, just because she wants to prepare you.” Carli says.

“What are you going to want to talk about with me?” I ask honestly.

Carli looks at me, before looking at Hope.

“We don’t want to room you with Tobin anymore.” Carli deadpans.

“But I like Tobin.” I say, more than a little sad.

“We are absolutely fine with you spending time with Tobin, but sweetie, you have nightmares, and Tobin doesn’t know what to do when that happens.” Carli says.

“Oh.” Is all I say in response.

“We can talk about it with Becky, okay? Nothing is set in stone.” Carli says, looking at me with the most sympathetic eyes I’ve ever seen.

“We have to talk about your return to competing as well.” Hope adds, knowing that practicing is only one side of it.

“You two both know that the U.S hasn’t had any friendlies since you hurt your ribs, but I have heard from other countries who have, that security has gone up.” Carli says solemnly.

“That’s not enough for me. I want you both to know that I’ll be going to all of your games from now on and I’ll be right outside of the locker room  
all the way until the first pass, and I’ll be back outside of the locker room when the final whistle blows. I’m not risking it.” Hope says, looking primarily at Carli.

“I love you.” I say quietly, staring blankly into space.

“Wait what did you just say.” Hope asks.

“I love you.” I say a little louder.

“And I love you too.” I say, looking at Carli.

“Kid, we love you too but where is this coming from?” Hope asks, clearly trying not to cry.

“You’re protecting me. Someone else is being paid to protect me, and you’re doing it anyways because you want to.” I say honestly, knowing that in this world, that has to be what love is.

Before the end of that statement I was on Hopes lap, in a hold that I couldn’t get out of if I tried to. Hope was crying, and even Carli was looking away, most likely tearing up. 

“Mum?”

“Mm?” Hope murmurs into my neck, not currently capable of a full statement.

“Is that okay?” I ask skittishly.

Hope lets me back up off of her lap, but ensures that we’re still touching. She wipes furiously at her face, trying very hard to cover up the fact that I’ve just broken through her badass exterior. I sit next to her, my knot of dread still sitting in the bottom of my stomach, waiting for her response.

“Kid. Of course it’s okay. We love you too. Well, actually I shouldn’t speak for Carli, but I love you. I love you, okay? I love you.” Hope says, seeming almost upset that I hadn’t gotten that before. 

I bolt. I stand up before either Hope or Carli have a chance to stop me, and I sprint, leaving my phone, keys, and wallet all at Carli’s house. I walk straight out of the front door, running more than would probably be advisable by my physical therapist, but definitely not enough to hurt. I’m in far too much shock to check to see if Hope and Carli are following after me. I’m in too much shock to even look at where I’m running. I just run.

When I finally wear myself out, I collapse over myself, putting my hands on my knees and my shoulders square about my feet. I turn my head to see that I’m at the park that Carli likes. I pant some more, calming down from the running, and walk to the picnic bench. Looking out at the street, I see Hope’s black SUV and realize that they must have followed me here. Carli gets out of the car, meaning that Hope must be getting out on the other side. Not knowing what to do, I just stand, panicked, waiting to react to whatever it is that Carli and Hope do.

“Tierna?” Carli yells from halfway across the street.

“Kid, can we come sit with you? Would that be okay?” Hope says, following closely behind Carli, but looking much more cautious than the forward does.

I hesitantly nod, not knowing what else to do. Hope practically tiptoes behind Carli, and Carli just slowly walks towards me. The knot of dread in my stomach feels heavier than any weight I’ve ever lifted in a gym. Carli stands about ten yards away, and Hope stands maybe twelve, and I just wait for one of them to say something to make this either better or worse. I feel like a deer in headlights, nervous enough to panic at Carli and Hope coming closer, but not panicked enough to take off again.

“Honey, are you going to take off again if I sit down?” Carli asks, motioning to the bench.

I shake my head no.

“Do you want to sit?” Hope asks, looking at me, her knees bent, looking as though she’s ready for anything I might do.

I shake my head no. Not sure why, but not ready to be sitting down yet.

“Can I sit?” Hope asks.

I nod.

No one moves to speak for a while. I stand with my hands bent behind my head, looking just away from Hope and Carli. Hope has one leg crossed over the other and is fidgeting with a ring. Carli just sits with her feet on the pavement and her hands in her lap while looking straight down. It’s Hope who looks up first. She opens her mouth to say something, before closing it again, deciding that whatever it was she was going to say, was not something that should be said. She opens her mouth again, this time following through.

“Is it okay if I say something?” Hope asks cautiously, causing both Carli and I to look up.

Neither Carli or I respond, but we both silently let her know that it’s okay for her to continue.

“I don’t know exactly what just happened, but I think I might have an idea. Just stop me if I’m wrong, okay?” Hope says, tilting her head up at me.

I nod at her again.

“I know it can be overwhelming when you find out that people care about you. I do. So I think that when I told you that your Mom and I love you, that went into fight or flight, and well, you went with flight. Does any of that sound right?” Hope asks me, very, very cautiously.

I nod, feeling more vulnerable than I currently care to feel.

“I’m going to say this, and when I do, if you run, I’ll let you go, but I have to say this. I want you to know that I love you, and not that kind of love that you say it but you don’t mean it. I mean the kind of love where you could do just about anything and I would stand behind you, loving you the whole way. I'll love you through the nightmares and the recreations of missed childhood memories, and when you make me a Grandma, and through anything else that might happen. I love you a little more every single day, and I will not ever, ever stop loving you.” Hope practically cries on the bench next to Carli.

“Honey, we love you so, so much. Please, please, please, just tell us what we can do to make this easier for you.” Carli practically begs, holding Hopes hand so tightly that I’d be willing to bet that she’s cutting off her circulation.

I take two steps forward, pointing towards the space by Carli, asking if I can sit down. She takes the hand that isn’t holding Hope’s to reach out for one of mine, leading me next to the spot next to hers. The knot in my stomach has eased, but I still feel too vulnerable to feel comfortable. Nevertheless, I laid my head on Carli’s shoulder, finally calming down enough to feel tired. I nuzzle into Carli a little more, wishing for any sort of comfort that she could possibly offer.

“I’m sorry I ran.” I whisper.

“Honey it’s okay. You’re just doing the best you can, and it’s like I said, there’s nothing you can do that’s going to make me love you any less.” Hope says.

“Can we go home?” I ask sleepily, covered in sweat from having run all the way here.

“Let’s go home.” Carli says, getting up.

Hope stands up, stretching as she does so. Carli starts walking to the car. I hold my ribs, feeling the burn of it a little more than I had on the run over. Hope opens up her arms and bends her knees, offering to carry me to the car like a child. I think about it, both excited and embarrassed that Hope would even offer to carry me to the car. I guess when she said the recreation of missed childhood experiences, I thought she meant playing catch at the park or taking a vacation together, not her carrying me to the car like a toddler. Weighing the options, I decide to walk to the car this time, being done with vulnerability for the day. I get in the backseat, letting Hope drive Carli and I home. I doze off in the back seat, feeling more than a little sleepy after everything that’s occurred within the past hour and a half.

I feel tempted to let Hope carry my inside, but I refrain. Instead choosing to go upstairs to shower from running all the way to the park. I watch Carli let Harley outside, before I grab a towel and clothes from my room, wanting to make sure that she’s well taken care of. I get in the shower, just wanting to rinse off from being sweaty, and get out within fifteen minutes. Putting on my shirt is always the hardest, but having gained more movement in my ribs makes it much easier. I slip on a pair of pajama pants and go downstairs to meet Harley, who’s waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs.

“Who’s a good girl?” I ask, scratching behind her ears.

“She’s been waiting for you, Hope let’s me know while standing at the counter, looking at something.

I nod my head in acknowledgment, moving over to the couch. I lay down thinking that Harley will join me, but instead it’s Hope who lays down next to me, hovering over me and waiting for a nod before fully laying down. We’re not exactly cuddling, just both laying down in the same space. She doesn’t push for anything more than being in the same space together, not wanting a repeat of earlier. I can tell that Carli is watching us skeptically from the kitchen. She’s making salmon for dinner, letting Hope and I be lazy while she does all of the work. I’ll thank her by washing the dishes, and Hope will just be Hope.

Carli comes over to call us for dinner, kissing Hope on the cheek. She makes an attempt to get Hope to the table, Hope complaining that she’s too tired. I get up slowly, trying to drag Hope with me, but she lazily flops back down onto the couch. It’s nice to see Hope pulling the funny stunts that she hasn’t been pulling for a while. It feels normal. I sit down at the table, letting Carli deal with Hope, secretly finding it cute, knowing that my biological parents never acted like that.

Hope finally puts an end to her stunt, knowing that the salmon that Carli made is getting cold. She slowly gets up and follows Carli to the table, sitting down next to me. I wait for either Carli or Hope to take the first bite, still feeling a little skittish after today. Carli catches onto the fact that I feel off, and takes a bite of her food with one hand, while putting her other hand over mine for just a split second with the other one. I take a deep breath, feeling the knot of dread almost disappear. 

Hope’s bubbly badass persona is back. She’s telling me about her first date with Carli and how nervous she was about it. They went to a drive in, and Hope could barely make eye contact with Carli, she was so nervous. Hope giggles as she tells me about dropping popcorn in her lap and leaving it there because she didn’t want to look stupid, and Carli laughs as she recalls just how stupid Hope looked doing so. I giggle a little bit, thinking about how much that sounds like something that Kelley and Sonnet might do if they ever manage to figure out that they’re meant to get together. I decide against it when I remember how angry Carli was after the sleepover car accident incident. I smile to myself thinking about it, taking a bite and watching my Moms relive the past.

When we’re all finished with dinner, Hope feeds Harley, but we all stay in the kitchen. I feel my social battery die out, ready to either sit quietly with the two of them or go to bed. I’ve been experiencing that a lot lately. My therapist says it’s common after a traumatic event, but that I should try my best to keep myself from shutting down or feeling numb. I wash the dishes quietly, wanting nothing more than to go to sleep for the night, even though it’s only seven. 

I know that there’s more to talk about with my transition back into soccer, but I don’t know whether or not Carli will try to make me talk about it tonight or not. Since it’s only seven, it is too early for me to make a break for it and go to bed to read or listen to music. When the conversation slows between the two, I look around, hoping that Carli doesn’t bring up Concacaf. The silence becomes awkward, but Hope shuffled around, clearly not knowing what to do with herself.

“Can we watch a movie?” Hope asks wishfully, with a pouty face, looking primarily at Carli for permission.

I look at Carli, secretly a little excited at the idea of a quiet way to waste time before it’s socially acceptable to go to sleep for the night. Carli puts one hand on her hip, thinking about it, before nodding.

“Nothing scary, okay?” Carli pretty much warns instead of asks.

“Fineeeeee.” Hope sighs disappointedly.

After Hope shuffles through almost every movie Carli owns, she decides they’re not adequate. So she heads upstairs to open the box full of movies that she hasn’t opened since she moved in. She comes back downstairs with her copy of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Carli is surprisingly pleased with her choice and turns the TV on, letting Hope out the DVD in the DVD player. I curl up on the furthest possible edge of the couch, not wanting to cuddle with either of them right now. 

Neither Hope nor Carli seem pleased with the fact that I haven’t given them the opportunity to cuddle with them, but they respect my space. I realize that this might be the first eighties movie I’ve ever seen. I decided against telling Hope this, mostly because I don’t have the energy to endure an eighties movie marathon right now. Carli seems to love this movie, Hope’s giggling at her as she bobs her head to the twist and shout scene.

When the movie ends, I take Harley out, throwing the ball for her for a little while. Hope steps out with me on the patio, watching Harley run clumsily around the yard. I lure Harley back inside with a treat, Hope following close behind us. So I take Harley upstairs, and change into pajamas. I meet Hope and Carli in the hallway to say goodnight before getting in bed with Harley. I hug Hope, letting her kiss my temple. I don’t quite see Carli move in to hug me, so when she makes contact, I flinch. She immediately backs up to give me space, closing in again once I know that it’s okay. I nuzzle into her a little bit, not exactly ready to go to sleep yet, but not wanting to spend time with anyone either. Feeling stuck I guess. I back up from Carli, saying goodnight, and picking Harley up to go to bed.

“You’re going to practice with me tomorrow. You can watch the practice and then afterwards we’re meeting with Becky, okay?” Carli asks. 

I nod, feeling more beaten down than usual. I take Harley with me into my room, and get into bed. I set an alarm to go to practice with Carli tomorrow. Harley curls up at the bend of my knees, going to sleep. I, on the other hand, lay awake, knowing that falling asleep isn’t particularly pleasant right right now. Nevertheless, I curl up and go to sleep, knowing that there’s nothing I can do to make it better. So I close my eyes, falling asleep quickly.


	28. Chapter 28

“Honey, wake up! I need you to wake up!” Hope all but screams, causing me to shoot up in my bed.

It’s an immediate downpour of tears. Hope shoots forwards, scooping me up into her lap, holding me like a child. I can’t even remember what I was dreaming about, but I know that it was violent, and that I’m gripping onto Solo like she’s my center of gravity. Hope must be feeling just as scared for me as I am about whatever I was just experiencing unconsciously, because she’s now koala-ing herself around me, trying to bring me back to the present in the only way she knows how.

Carli walks in, rubbing at her eyes and still yawning, but she starts asking me to find five things I can see, four I can feel, three I can touch, two I can smell, and one I can taste. I can’t say them outloud. Most of them I barely even move to complete. My eyes darted around the room looking for things through teary eyes, but then my hands slowed a little bit when I played with Hopes hair before adjusting the string of her hoodie. I moved onto the cuff of my pajama pants, and then finally pet Harley who was very confused at what was happening, and frankly a little afraid. Hope offers me her hair to smell, proud of the smell of her new shampoo that she’s been talking about for the past week and a half. I inhale quickly before grabbing a scented highlighter off of my scattered bedside table and smelling that. All I can really taste is my mouth, but I have to focus to do it.

By now, I am absolutely exhausted. I’m still making contact with Hope, but instead of gripping onto her, she’s just laid down on my bed and I’ve collapsed on top of her, much more relaxed than before. Carli takes this opportunity to sit down on the side of my bed, rubbing my back. She decides against asking questions, knowing that asking them right now could send me into another panic. After a minute, she gets up and leaves, not telling either Hope or I where she’s going or when she’ll be back. Hope turns her head and raises an eyebrow, but I just stay down, taking deep breaths.

It turns out that Carli was going to make coffee for her and Hope, probably letting Harley out too. She brought me a glass of water too, leaving it on an empty coaster on my bedside table. I weakly smile, feeling too worn out to verbally thank her. She takes a knee next to my bed, putting one hand on top of the back of my head. She bends forwards and kisses my cheek before leaving again. Knowing Carli, she’ll be awake for the day, Hope on the other hand is already asleep, letting the coffee that Carli brought her go to waste. Despite feeling like I’ve been hit by a train, I go back to sleep, knowing that Carli will wake me up for practice.

“I don’t know how you did that.” Carli whispers to Hope.

“Both of my legs were asleep, I made the best of it, okay?” Hope says defensively.

“Hope you literally managed to flip out from under her, while replacing yourself with a body pillow.” Carli says, talking more with her hands than her whispers outside of my bedroom.

“Look it wasn’t that hard, I just had to grab the body pillow with my feet and then curl myself in half over her so that she always had something to grip onto. I pulled the body pillow into where I was so that I could get off of the bed.” Hope explains, acting like that was a perfectly reasonable maneuver.

“Your body was more than half asleep.” Carli deadpans.

“Just wake her up for practice.” Hope says with the new cup of coffee she had made herself in hand.

“Babe, why do I have to be the one that wakes her up? She’s sleeping so peacefully.” Carli asks Hope, clearly complaining about being the bad cop.

“Because you’re the one dragging her to a practice that she doesn’t have to be at.” Hope says, walking away with a little spunk in her step.

“T?” Carli says gently, sucking it up to wake me for practice.

I wake up quickly, bolting up, not from a nightmare, but from blank sleep. My eyes dart a little, looking for Hope who isn’t there. Carli stills my head from both sides, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. This time I can calm down and look at Carli instead of spiral out of control like earlier.

“Hope is downstairs, but can you get ready for practice for me? We have to go in an hour.” Carli says, knowing that I’m wanting Hope, but that I also have to be ready really soon.

I nod, standing up to head to the shower. I stop to look at Carli, surprising her, causing her stop suddenly and slide a little bit. I step out to catch her, feeling bad about turning around in the first place. My first instinct is to brace myself, not exactly knowing why. Carli looks at me, eyebrows knit together in concern, wincing. I just look down, shuffling my feet.

“Sorry about this morning.” I say, looking down.

“Honey, it’s okay. We’re going to talk about it. Not right now, but maybe with Hope after we get home from practice. Maybe we could even call your therapist to have another family session soon. Now how about you go see your Mum and Harley and then take a shower, okay?” Carli says gently, taking a step back to give me space.

I take Carli’s advice, going downstairs. Harley is waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs, wagging her tail and waiting to be pet. I sit on the bottom stair, giving Harley a belly rub. She pants happily, already having been taken on a walk by Hope this morning. I pick Harley up, not feeling any pain in my ribs. I carry her over to where Hope is sitting at the kitchen table, and bend just a little over Harley's head to kiss Hope’s temple. She looks up at me with a single raised eyebrow in confusion.

“What do you want?” Hope jokes.

I look down, feeling bad now. Just wanting to give Hope a little love. Hope catches on and quickly puts her mug down faster than she had intended to, spilling a little water.

“Kid I was joking. I love you.” She says, emphasizing the second part.

“I love you too Mum.” I say, still looking down but glancing up to catch just the corner of Hope’s eyes.

Hope takes her index finger and tips my chin up to make eye contact instead of burying my face in Harley’s fur. She doesn’t say anything at first, she just looks at me, more intensely than I've ever seen her look at someone. I have to use the trick that my therapist taught me and look at Hope’s nose to be able to maintain the eye contact. The vulnerability feels like way too much, but I love Hope.

“I know we’ve talked about expressing love before, but I promise you, if you’re expressing it in an unhealthy way, we’ll talk about it. I’m just a prick about it sometimes. I want you to love on me as much as I want to love on you. I know Carli is going to make you talk about what happened this morning again, and we can talk about this too, okay? so go upstairs and shower and we’ll talk more later.” Hope says, getting up and kissing my cheek hurriedly before putting her mug in the sink.

I grin a little and put Harley down, petting her before going upstairs. Her tail lowers in sadness that I’m leaving her downstairs, but I toss her a quick treat that I smuggled from my pocket before going upstairs. I grab a towel before moving towards my dresser, grabbing national team gear that I haven’t seen since Canada. I take a ragged breath, feeling nervous about practice. I get in the hot shower, feeling shakier than usual. I wash my hair, before waiting longer than needed to get out of the shower. I dry off before putting on lotion, my skin feeling drier than usual with the summer sun. I think about braiding my hair wet, but decide to just let it air dry while down. After I finish applying all of my different products, I put my clothes on before going back to my room.

I feel sad at the thought that I don’t have to check to make sure that there are cleats in my bag. Nevertheless, I put on my Adidas, wrap a hair tie that will cut off my circulation around my wrist, and meet Carli downstairs. She’s on her phone, presumably typing out an email based off of the intensity that her face is giving off. I hug Hope goodbye, holding on just a little too tight before letting go. Carli leads me out to her car, motioning for me to get into the passenger seat.

Instead of the usual humming to the radio, this car ride is filled with discussion. Carli catches me on the very few new drills that Vlatko has implemented into practice, along with telling me which ones of the old ones he’s been favoring. Even though I’m not allowed to practice, I’m enjoying hearing her tell me about it.

At some point she moves on to tell me about the players personal lives. She tells me that there’s suspicion behind Sonnet and Kelley due to how much time they’ve been spending together. Crystal has been in a yoga craze and has been trying to get everyone to try it. Ertz hates yoga, but will do just about anything to appease her brilliant best friend. Ali and Ashlyn have apparently been much less public about their relationship. They are still very much happy together, but Ali has just finally expressed that she would rather keep the affection in their own space.

Hearing about all of the teammates that I haven’t spoken to since Canada makes me nervous. Some of them called. Most of them texted. Some of them even sent things like pizza and other oddities. I never picked up a call, and I never returned a text. So now, going into this practice, I’ll have to see twenty two faces that have been waiting to hear from me. I just hope that they don’t want an explanation, and that if they do, that either Carli or Becky step in.

The parking lot is borderline empty when Carli parks the car. Our walk being shorter than usual, we walked slowly to the locker room. I don’t even know why I go through the locker room, I don’t need to change, but somehow, that seems like the only rational way to get to the field. I go straight out to the field, thinking that I’ll meet with Vlatko after practice, and then Becky and Carli after that. I must have been wrong, because Becky walks towards me with her hair down and absolutely no signs of getting ready to warm up.

“Rookie! Come meet with your Mom and I!” Sauerbrunn yells from ten yards away.

I blush, having no clue that Becky even knew that I called Hope and Carli variations of “Mom.” Nevertheless, I get up to follow her back inside for what I’m assuming is our meeting. We go through the locker room, picking up Carli who happens to be the only other player at practice yet. We only wander the halls for a minute before finding a fitting conference room. Becky takes the head of the table and lets me sit on her right, and Carli on her left.

“Tell me about your life away from soccer.” Becky kindly demands.

“I do film analysis everyday with Hope for at least three hours even though they only recommended two.” I offered.

“I said your life away from soccer.” Becky says.

I fidget with my hands, having absolutely no idea of what I should say to her. I look to Carli for guidance, but all she does is give me an encouraging nod. I search my mind for just one thing I can tell my captain that will put her mind at ease before it hits me.

“We went to the Met!” I practically shout, causing both Becky and Carli to look at me with surprise.

I re-adjust in my chair, also shocked at my own actions.

“That can’t be all you did.” Becky says playfully, knowing that four weeks can’t be packed into just one day.

I don’t hate Becky, but I really hate her right now.

“We got a puppy.” I offer up, this time much more shyly than before.

“Your Mom told me about that, she’s pretty cute from the pictures she’s shown me.” Sauerbrunn says, smiling at the thought of my dopey puppy.

“Why do you keep calling her that?” I ask, not wanting to push my limits, but feeling nervous about Becky calling Carli my Mom around other people.

“Calling me what?” Carli asks, completely clueless.

“Mom.” I say, almost inaudibly, not angrily, a tiny bit of hurt evident in my voice.

Becky and Carli both sit back in their chairs, clearly feeling some type of way about what I just said. I sink down in my chair, wanting to disappear all together. Carli looks upset and Becky has a look of pity, maybe it’s for me or maybe it’s for Carli, but either way I don’t like it. I don’t make eye contact with either of them, knowing that they won’t like that, but that they’ll most likely be asking me follow up questions.

“Honey do you want to talk about this with Hope?” Carli asks.

I take a ragged breath before looking up, knowing that this isn’t my familial relationship with Carli and Hope, this is my professional relationship with the team.

“I don’t. Becky, unless one day the government recognizes Carli and Hope as my Moms, I need you to call them Carli and Hope. At least while we’re in front of the team.” I say, feeling sick to my stomach.

“I can do that.” Sauerbrunn says with nothing but respect.

“Thank you.” I say earnestly.

“You want to get this over with?” Carli asks, trying her best to lighten the mood.

I nod.

“We have to talk about your roommate situation going forward, especially for Concacaf.” Becky says seriously but nicely.

“Okay.” I say, feeling much less confident than a moment before.

“You can’t room with Tobin anymore.” Carli deadpans.

“Carli has told me that you’ve been pretty consistently having nightmares, and Tobin has no idea how to help when that happens. I screened a couple of people who you might want to room with. You can have your pick between me, Allie Long, or Lindsey, okay? You know me, Allie was with you during what happened during Canada, and Lindsey has been asking about you nonstop since you left, and she’s been in therapy for a long time. I think she would know how to calm you down, and we can talk to whoever it is you pick about how it is that they can calm you down from a nightmare, alright? So just take your pick.” Becky monologues.

“Can I room with you?” I ask quietly.

“Only if you promise to spend some time with Allie. She told me that she’s texted you every day and that she hasn’t heard back. She’s worried about you.”

“She’s texted you everyday and you haven’t texted her back?” Carli asks with an elevated tone, clearly upset about that.

“I didn’t know what to say.” I reply, matching her tone.

“You two are more alike than different. She may be a little eccentric at times, but the two of you could be friends.” Becky chimes in.

“If I talk to her, I can be roommates with you?” I ask.

“Correct.”

“I’ll call Allie and we’ll room together for Concacaf.” I say, agreeing to the terms of the deal my captain offered.

“Just one more thing before I leave you alone and you can watch us all practice before your meeting with Vlatko. You train with me daily the week before Concacaf.” Becky all but demands.

“You’ll have to talk to Hope about that one.” I joke with her.

Both Becky and Carli laugh, knowing that Hope will be disappointed that I can’t train with her. They both get up, going back to the locker room to grab their cleats. I make my way back to the field, fine in my Adidas. It takes all of my self control to not go get a ball and warm up like I usually would, knowing that my ribs are almost fine.

Becky beats Carli out onto the field, annoying Carli to no end. They pass a ball back and forth, starting with regular passes before moving onto chip passes. I want to see Carli try the lob pass that Hope has absolutely perfected, nevertheless neither she nor Becky try that one since they’re not far enough apart. Dunn and Ertz are the next two to show up on the field, following suit in their warmups. More players follow, Sam and Rose awkwardly try to balance balls that they pass to each other via head passes, and Mal and Christen are juggling. Sonnet and Kelley are marking each other so intensely that I would not be completely shocked if they ended up on the ground, one on top of the other, after just one false move. Tobin and Allie come out dribbling a ball that must have rolled into the tunnel. Tobin tries to nutmeg Allie but fails, Allie taking the ball from her instead.

When Allie sees me, she sprints to where I’m sitting on the sideline, right in the middle of the field. I try my best to stand up before she gets to me, but I'm still half on the ground when she gets there.

“Hey. You haven’t responded to any of my messages!” Allie says, only slightly out of breath.

“I didn’t know what to say.” I say, brushing my hair out of my face and looking down.

“Sometimes it’s not about saying anything. Sometimes it’s just about being there. I’m not going to push much more if you don’t want me to, but I want to be in your life if you’ll let me. Maybe we could just start with a coffee?” Allie asks gently.

“I can do coffee.” I say, feeling so very guilty about all of the messages I’ve left read on my phone for weeks.

“You’ll be watching practice from now on, so you come to practice tomorrow, and I’ll take you out for coffee afterwards and drop you home afterwards.” Allie says, knowing that if she didn’t schedule it now, I might not respond to a message about it later.

Allie waves at me before running back towards Tobin to warm up for practice. I sit back on the turned-off advertisement boards, with my legs in a v-shape. Vlatko comes out, waving at me before huddling up the team. The team disperses, running a fairly complicated drill that mimics a defensive midfield situation. Ertz trips and manages to barrel roll over herself. Dunn covers the space while she's down. I know that Dunn isn’t exactly the one that people talk about the most from the team, but she’s the one I love watching the most.

Vlatko is in good spirits today. He lets the team play soccer tennis for the last ten minutes of the practice before pulling Carli aside. After saying just one thing to her, he heads my way. Understanding what’s about to happen, I decide to get up and at least meet him halfway.

“You’ll come to practices to watch from now until you’re cleared. When you come back you’ll train a half an hour on and then a half an hour off for twice as long as the other girls for the first half of the week with a trainer. For the second half you will train regularly with the team. You will tell me or the captains about any irregularities, okay?”

“Okay.” I say.

“Then we’re done here. It’ll be nice to have you back.” Vlatko says sincerely, walking away to tear down equipment.

I reflect on how concise he is, wishing that Carli and Becky could be just a little bit more like him. Don’t get me wrong, he and I have had longer, lighter conversations, but when it comes to the technicalities of this team, he leaves no room for doubt. I take a minute to be thankful for such a good coach before walking over to help shag some of the balls.

Carli shouts gently at me to stop trying to help with equipment. Due to my ribs she’s condemned me to a life of film analysis with Hope. I look at her with the facial expressions of someone who knows they’ve been caught. Allie Long just giggles at me and points to the tunnel, letting me know that it’s okay for me to go. I grab one last ball and bring it to the rack, before grabbing the car key out of Carli’s bag and walking out to the parking lot. Almost everyone waves goodbye or has one quick thing to say to me as I leave, and it feels good knowing that I have a team that wants me around.

When I get in the car, I reflect back on my already long day, even though it’s only about one in the afternoon. I woke up in the middle of the night needing to be rescued by my Moms, I had to tell Sauerbrunn to not call them my Moms, and then there was Allie and Vlatko, who are both very nice, but they both scared me for one reason or another. Now I’m exhaling in Carli’s car, knowing that when we get back to her house Hope will be waiting for us to have the conversation that was promised to her by Carli.

Carli trots back to the car, her sunglasses on and her hair back up in a bun after showering. She lazily throws her bag in the backseat before getting in the car. Her hand moves for the radio, but I cut her off before she can turn it on.

“Mom?” I ask.

“What’s wrong?” She asks too quickly, her maternal instincts kicking in.

“Nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to say sorry” I say, looking at the floor mats instead of Carli.

“Why?” Carli asks, alternating between looking at me and the road ahead of us.

“I know it hasn’t been easy since Canada. From that day all the way until today, now.” I say fidgeting, not wanting to be saying this, but feeling guilty about not saying it.

“Canada was not your fault, and it won’t ever be your fault. Can you hold on for just twenty more minutes so that we can talk about this with your Mum?” Carli asks, clearly upset with what I’ve just said.

I nod, slumping down further into the passenger seat. I rest my head on the window, fighting with the weight of my eyelids, trying to stay awake. Eventually I lose out, falling asleep in Carli’s car. She turns down the music, knowing that I’ve been feeling a little extra worn out these past few days. Carli takes the turn into the driveway a little easier, leaving me in the passenger seat and instead moving to grab her bag from the backseat and bringing it inside.

“Go wake the kid, she’s in my car.” Carli says to Hope who’s just gotten out of the shower and is now on the couch.

“Why do I have to wake her up?” Hope whines, not wanting to be the one that has to wake me up.

“You can carry her inside if you want to, but you know she’ll be embarrassed if you do that.” Carli says, knowing that they have to pick their battles.

“Fine. I just got back from the gym anyways. I’ll go wake her up and bring her inside.” Hope says, clearly not impressed with her role in this partnership at the moment.

“Alright kid, I can carry you, or you can walk, but you, your Mom and I have to talk and we’re going to do it inside the house.” Hope says gently on one knee in front of me with the opened car door.

I rub my eyes sleepily, barely even able to register that it’s Hope who’s waking me. Hope puts her hand on my knee, trying to speed up the process. I put a single foot onto the driveway, but can’t manage to wake up all the way. Nevertheless I followed Hope inside, letting her wrap her arm around my shoulder, not for support, just because she wanted to.

When I get inside, Carli is already sitting down, kind of nervously, which is uncharacteristic for her. I walk right by her in pursuit of a snack, realizing that hunger might be part my sleepiness. When I start cutting up an apple, both Hope and Carli ask me if I’ll cut them one too. I giggle a little bit, still tired.

“With peanut butter?” I ask.

I get one “Yes please.” and one “Thank you.” I’ll let you guess who said what. I cut up three apples, grabbing three different plates, adding a spoonful of peanut butter to each. When I come back from the kitchen, we all eat, and small talk ensues, but not comfortably. Hope asks about practice, and Carli and I both tell her about the various aspects, the Kelley and Sonnet rumors, Julie’s wipeout, and the more technical aspects, along with the different meetings of the day. Mostly we just eat, trying to prepare for our long conversation.

Hope is done first, putting her plate on the coffee table and waiting for Carli and I to finish. Carli finishes before grabbing all three plates and taking them to the kitchen, leaving them to be washed later. When she comes back I know that we’re going to have this conversation whether I want to have it or not.

“What do we need to do to make sure that this is as comfortable as possible for you?” Carli asks.

“What your Mom is asking, is what do we need to do so that you feel safe and don’t run out on us.” Hope rephrases more openly.

“I’m sorry I ran out last time, I didn’t mean to, I just got overwhelmed.” I apologize.

“No, Kid, you’re missing the point. We don’t want you to get that overwhelmed. We’re not mad at you for running out, we’re mad at ourselves for letting it get to that point.” Hope says sincerely.

“Could you tell us if you get overwhelmed?” Carli asks gently.

“That’s an option?” I ask, coming out of my shell a little bit.

Hope face palms, not angrily, even laughing a little bit.

“T, I want you to tell us everything, from what you want to have for breakfast, to what wakes you up in the middle of the night, and everything in between. Of course you can tell us if you get overwhelmed. In fact, can you promise that you’ll tell us if you get overwhelmed?” Hope asks.

“I promise.” I say, feeling a little bad after reflecting on Hope’s statement, starting to realize just how much work I have to do in therapy and with my Moms.

“Now that we’ve settled that, do you want to get started?” Carli asks.

“Slow down captain, why don’t we start with what happened this morning and then we can slowly work our way forwards?” Hope says, grounding the conversation.

“Okay.” I say, already not enjoying this.

“Do you remember what your nightmare was about?” Carli asks blatantly.

“No. But there are really very few things it could have been about.” I say honestly.

“What does that mean?” Hope asks, her head tilted to the side in confusion.

I tilt my head in confusion, not sure how they wouldn’t know what I mean. There’s been Canada, and then there was my parents. Sure, being dumped by your college girlfriend sucks, but it’s not exactly a nightmare level. Overall, I like to think I’m a pretty privileged kid, I play for my country and I never have to worry about my next meal, I just really missed the boat on two really, really, important things.

“There’s Canada and my parents.” I say blankly, staring at the floor.

“That makes sense.” Hope says, raising her eyebrows quickly before lowering them again.

“Do you remember which one, so that we could talk about it?” Carli asks.

I shake my head in response.

“Should we talk about those things? Either of them? Even if you don’t remember it?” Carli follows up.

“I don’t ever want to talk about it again, because I don’t ever want to think about it again. I think about it all the time. I feel it weighing on my shoulders, but I carry it because it’s my burden to bear. So no, we don’t have to do this.” I say, leaning forward in my chair, fidgeting with my hands.

“It’s not. It’s not yours to bear. And I know that I can’t just take it from you and carry it myself, because trust me, I would. But goddamn Kid let me carry it with you.” Hope says, not tearing up, but clearly very close.

“I don’t just get it like your Mum does, but I want to. I want to so badly. Trust me, I’m happy that I get to call you my kid, I am, and I’m sad that this is what we’ve gotten together. I wish we could have gotten fourth birthday parties and Hope teaching you how to drive which would result in you hitting a mailbox, but we got this. And that’s okay. But know that we got this. All three of us. We’re a family now and we’re going to work through it like families do. You’re not an emo kid from an eighties movie anymore, okay? So we don’t have to talk about it right now, because we have a lot more things to talk about, but we’re calling your therapist to talk about more family sessions.” Carli says, barely breathing in between words.

“Can I sit with you guys?” I ask, not exactly knowing how to respond to this much emotion, but knowing that I want to feel close to them.

“Come here.” Hope says, making space for me on the couch, in between her and Carli.

Harley finally finishes eating her breakfast and decides to trot over to the living room to see what’s going on. seeing three people, she immediately decides that she just has to be a part of what’s happening on the couch, so she relocates herself to my lap, effectively overcrowding the couch. All three of us giggle at Harley’s dopey puppy antics, interrupting our previously comfortable silence. It’s Carli who follows up the silence.

“Do you want to talk about your Mum and I, or Concacaf next?” Carli asks.

I immediately stiffen when Carli asks if I want to talk about her and Hope. Hope puts one hand on my knee, reassuring me of exactly nothing. Both Carli and Hope are looking at me very intensely, so I must be showing my anxiety on my face.

“Wh-what’s wrong with you and Hope?” I stutter out, switching eye contact back and forth between the two of them.

“Wait your Mom phrased that weirdly, nothing’s wrong sweetheart, I promise. Okay?” Hope says, jumping into damage control mode.

“Talk.” I say simply, letting them know that they need to explain what they mean by that.

“We just want to ask if it’s alright if we sleep in the same bed.” Carli says instead of asking

“That's it?” I say doubtfully, knowing from years of experience thank conversations like this aren’t usually about who’s sleeping where unless someone is moving out all together.

“Carli is the love of my life. I’m not leaving this house unless someone tells me I have to. I promise that to both of you.” Hope all but vows.

“Carli?” I ask nervously.

“Mm?” She murmurs back, feeling the emotional burnout of the day.

“Are you ever going to kick Mommy out?” I say, accidentally reverting to the original version of “Mom” that I had for Hope, immediately blushing, and wanting to run, but feeling too frozen to do so.

“Your Mum does a lot of stupid things, and while I can’t promise you that I won’t ever make her spend a night on the couch, I can promise you that she will always, always, be here for both you, and me. She is the love of my life, and it will always remain that way. I promise you both that.” Carli says, looking back and forth between us both.

“I never knew whether or not my real parents were going to be home when I got there after school when I was a kid. They didn’t like each other very much, and they didn’t like me very much either, but I had to go back. That’s where home was. I like living here, I-I like living here a lot. I just want to be sure that I’m not going to come here one day and Mum is going to be gone.” I say, trying hard to be as articulate as possible.

“When I was in therapy, my therapist taught me about when you’re a kid, home is home, even when it’s not safe. It’s because we’re programmed as people to find home. She also taught me that your parents teach you how to form connections, and you either form secure or insecure connections. I know that’s why you only trust Carli and I, and you barely trust the two of us. But every day, we’re getting better as a family okay?” Hope says, alluding to her rougher childhood.

“Kiddo, we still have to talk about Concacaf, and a couple more things, is that okay?” Carli asks, wanting to lighten the mood.

I pet Harley, nodding at them both.

“We’ve agreed that I’m going to Concacaf with you in Texas.” Hope says.

I nod, not understanding why they would want to talk about that part.

“You’re rooming with Becky.” Carli adds.

“I get to go to camp too.” I say, a little too excited for Carli’s liking.

“I’m going to be outside of the locker room for every game and ever media event. I’m basically going to be your bodyguard. You’re going to be there to be number twelve, and I'm going to be there to keep you safe.” Hope says, confidently, with the usual Hope spunk.

“So what else do we need to talk about then?” I ask.

“We have to talk about the trial, for Canada.” Hope says.

I nod. feeling my heart sink down to my stomach.

“I called my lawyer, and we can prosecute him. Even without a testimony from you, okay? We told the police that you’re pressing charges, but we need to start meeting with lawyers to put together the case. Your teammates will want to testify, and their testimonies will help. Your rape kit will be helpful. Your Mum will testify too. You don’t have to go to the trial if you don’t want to. But I want you to know that you have a say, you have every say from here on out.” Carli says.

“I’ll go to the meeting. I’ll go to the meetings with the lawyer. I’m meeting with Allie tomorrow and I can ask her about it.” I say, hoping that Carli moves on from this.

“This is your first major tournament.” Carli says, allowing us to move on.

“You’re going to get your first sponsorship offers.” Hope says, filling in the spaces between Carli’s statement.

I reflect on that. Knowing that once I have a sponsorship, I’ll have the money to rent an apartment. At least a small one that’s a while away from the stadium. My heart sinks at the thought of being away from Hope and Carli. I pet Harley, whom I wonder if I’ll get to take with me or not. My eyes tear up a little bit at the thought of being completely alone again, but at least this time, I won’t be in my car.

“Honey, why the tears?” Carli asks, wiping a stray tear with the pad of her thumb.

“I don’t know. I guess I just don’t know what happens when I have a sponsor.” I say, looking at the floor.

“We call my lawyer..” Carli says, slightly confused.

“No I don’t mean about the amount of money or anything like that. I just mean. What happens when I have the money to get an apartment?” I ask, trying my best not to let stray tears fall.

“You don’t have to think that far ahead, okay?” Hope says.

“No wait, I want you to know that this is home. You can call this home whether you have money or not.” Carli says, kissing my temple.

I nod. Too tired to respond emotionally to what’s been said. I lay my head down against Hope’s shoulder, still petting Harley who’s on my lap. Carli is stroking my hair, knowing that this has been a very, very long conversation.

“Can we talk about one more thing?” Hope asks, the emotional exhaustion even getting to her.

“Go for it.” I say half heartedly.

“You know how I haven’t gotten a job since I’ve been here? Like a long term one?” Hope says.

I nod.

“There’s an empty lot over on Scott street, and I got approved for a loan today to buy it. I’m opening up a soccer academy.” Hope says.

I nod again.

“I was hoping that for the offseason, you could help me run it. You and I could be co-instructors?” Hope asks wishfully.

“I would actually love that.” I say, not having thought that far ahead, but happy to have a job for the offseason.

“That’s enough talk. Every single one of us needs a nap, and if Hope was strong enough, I’d make her carry us both upstairs to bed.” Carli says, half joking, but also more tired than I’ve ever seen her.

Hope hosts me up bridal style, clearly joking and making me giggle the whole way, and carrying me upstairs to my bed. She lets Harley follow us up the stairs to my room for a nap.She drops me off in my full size bed before presumably joining Carli in the Queen size bed for her own nap. I fall asleep quickly, sleeping soundly through the afternoon.


	29. Chapter 29

Vlatko and I stand side by side, watching the twenty two members of the team run one of my favorite drills. He mostly yells instructions out to the athletes, but occasionally he leans over to ask for my insight. I give him my insight, feeling thankful for the edge that Hope has given me in the world of athletic analysis. Individual trainers walk around writing different statistics down on clipboards. Those things used to make me nervous, but now they don’t bother me anymore. Vlatko looks intensely at a pass that Mcdonald makes. Vlatko announces one more drill before ending practice. I watch everyone except for Sonnet, nail it. Sonnet shanks a pass and rolls over dramatically onto her back in defeat, laughing the whole time. 

After practice ends, I watch for Carli to turn her back, helping to pick up equipment when it is. Vlatko thanks me for the help before letting me head to the locker room to find Allie whom I’ve promised to meet for coffee. She finds me to tell me that she just needs five minutes for a shower, and then she’ll be ready to go. I sit on the bench, just waiting for her, making small talk with most of the other members of the team. Tobin tells me about her long boarding habits, and her long phone calls with Allie. I tell her about my trip to the Met with Hope and Carli, and our walk around Central park. 

Allie walks out in a towel, putting on jeans and a nice shirt. I feel glad that I wore my nicer jeans and a short sleeve button down shirt. She says goodbye to Tobin, calling her “Harry” at least a few times. She then leads me out to her car, getting in the driver's seat and turning on the engine and the radio. The trap beats are so loud that her car shakes, and she mumbles along to the songs, but seems to have no clue as to what the words are. 

“I know I said that I’d take you for coffee, but I’m really hungry after practice. Any chance that you would want to go for some salmon instead?” Allie asks hopefully.

“Yeah I could totally go for some salmon.” I reply.

The rest of the drive is fairly quiet, comments kept to mundane things like the weather or the local current events. Allie continues to fake mumble rap, which I secretly find amusing, in an oddly endearing sort of way. She turns wider than anyone else I’ve been driving with lately, but she doesn’t make the sharp turns like Hope does, so I’ll take that. 

Eventually she turns into the parking lot of a quaint seafood place, inherently turning down the radio as she does so. She turns off the car, taking off her sunglasses and leaving them on the median. I shuffle awkwardly, wallet and phone in hand, waiting for Allie to get out of the car before doing so myself. She checks her phone really quickly before opening the door, expecting me to follow suit. I walk next to her, waiting for her to let me know what to expect from this lunch. Instead of letting me know what to expect, she just stays quiet, opening the door for me when we get there.

“Table for two?” She asks the hostess, looking at me before following her.

Allie and I get seated at a table for two by the window, both getting handed copies of very well loved menus. The napkins are folded up into fancy pyramids that I might know the names of if I had paid more attention in geometry. A kid who can’t be much older than maybe sixteen brings us two waters, asking each of us if we’d like anything to drink, both of us politely denying. 

“You can get whatever you want, but I’m telling you, they have the best salmon on the east coast.” Allie starts, not wanting to startle me.

“I think that’s what I’ll get.” I say, not really knowing what else there is to say.

“Your Mom’s will like that you’re following the team diet. Especially the captain.” Allie says, winking before taking a sip of water.

“Hey Allie?” I ask, feeling as ready as I’ll ever feel.

“Yeah?” Allie replies, her facial expression immediately caving in on itself, no longer as playful.

“Does everyone call them that?” I ask, trying my best to make eye contact.

“You mean does everyone call Hope and Carli your Mom?” Allie says, her face now neutral, happy that I didn’t ask her a question that imposed more dread.

All I do is nod.

“No. I know because of Canada, and Becky knows because she’s Becky. But I could stop calling them that if you wanted me to. I know that’s probably a touchy subject.” Allie says, taking another sip of water.

“I um. I haven’t thought about it.” Is all I manage to say.

The waiter comes by, cutting Allie off before she even has the chance to say anything. Allie orders us an appetizer before we both order the salmon. The waiter scribbles at his notebook, looking almost nervous as if it’s his first day. As he walks away, Allie points at him and giggles at the fact that his pen just fell out of his pocket. I laugh a little too, watching him look for it before pointing it out to him on the floor. Allie smirks at me in a way that suggests something that I can’t exactly read, but I’m pretty sure that she’s just upset that she can’t watch the kid run around looking for his pen.

“Hey, anyways. I wanted to tell you that you can think about it.” Allie interjects

I tilt my head, having no clue what she’s talking about.

“What you want me to call Carli and Hope in relation to you. I mean I can’t imagine that it will happen all that often, but I remember wanting Carli to be my team Mom when I first joined the team, and I didn’t even get a team parent. What I did get though, is a team Harry. And team Harry, seems to think you’re pretty cool, so naturally, I took an interest in you. Turns out that you’re pretty cool. Anyways, I definitely started rambling somewhere in there, but you get the gist of what I’m saying.” Allie says, looking back and forth between me and the windowsill.

“You only like me because I pass you the ball.” I say sarcastically, knowing that Allie will most likely let me lighten the mood.

“For a while, I really did think you were trying to impress me with that.” Allie says with some sarcasm, but a little bit of truth.

“I can’t help it that you were always open!” I say, laughing as I do so. 

I realize that for the first time since Canada, this is the first time that I haven’t had to do progressive muscle relaxation techniques to not feel tense. We joke about different moments throughout the seasons that ended up in failures for one reason or another, most famously, when Sonnet got a face full of gloves from Naeher. Allie accidentally snorts, dripping a little bit of water onto her shirt. I pretend not to see it, figuring that after all she’s done for me, I can at least do that for her.

As the conversation goes on, I realize that Allie is treating me like a teammate. Not a teammate that she saw get traumatized, just a teammate. Not to say that Carli and Hope don’t, it’s just that they feel like they have more responsibilities surrounding me. It feels like Mexico with Tobin and Christen, or dinner with Lindsey or Becky, but with an added comfort that I can’t quite explain. 

“Are you going to let me buy you dessert or am I going to have to eat the rest of this slowly?” Allie asks, motioning to her almost finished plate of salmon.

“What do you mean?” I ask, almost choking on a bite of green beans.

“What do you mean? It took me this long to get to spend time with you. I’m trying to finesse as much of it as possible.” She says.

For some reason, I’m the least shocked at her choice of the word “finesse,” something about it just seeming so very Allie. At least I think. I shuffle uncomfortably in my seat. Usually I would offer that we could go to the park and kick around a soccer ball, but if Carli ever found out that I did that with my current rib situation, I would be benched for all of Concacaf. Instead I do something completely stupid.

“Do you want to just go sit on a picnic bench at a park somewhere?” I asked her after a longer pause than I had meant to make her wait through.

“To talk?” She says, not meaning to ask for her own purposes, but rather to clarify that I’m comfortable with the scenario.

I do actually take a second to think about it before nodding. 

“Let me just pay for everything and then we can go.” Allie let’s me know, trying to gather up her phone to put back in her bag before digging out her wallet.

“Wait, can’t we at least split it?” I plead with her.

“Fine. But only because I know that you will chicken out on me about the park.” Allie concedes.

I secretly feel about as happy about that as I do about scoring a goal in a practice. I get out my wallet, feeling a little too excited to use my credit card. Allie flags down the waiter to ask for two separate checks, glaring at me as she does so. I stick the tip of my tongue out at her as she does so, still feeling more content that boxy. The waiter scurries off the print off the checks, bringing us each one to pay. We each put down our cards and wait for them to be brought back before leaving a generous cash tip. 

“Let’s go pookie.” Allie says, reaching for my hand, but not receiving it.

“I’ve earned that title?” I say mockingly, my hand on my chest. 

“Do you want me to stop?” She says, opening the door of the restaurant while simultaneously unlocking her car with her other hand.

I don’t say anything, I just look at her, not even sure how I’m presenting my facial expression to her. She gets in the car, turning it on, but she doesn’t turn on the radio. Instead she looks at me, still looking for some sort of answer. Caving in to the pressure, this time I broke eye contact, looking out the window instead of looking at her. She still doesn’t turn on the radio, but she does reach for her sunglasses, putting them on and checking herself out in the rear view mirror before looking back at me.

“Where are we going?” She asks me.

I tilt my head in confusion.

“Did you have a park in mind?” Allie asks.

I shake my head, letting Allie pick where we go. She does an odd little flick of the head as if to say “fair enough” before turning on the radio to mumble rap again. I grin in a goofy type of way, just enjoying Allie’s company. Allie gets a little extra excited when a new song comes on the radio and tries to get me to sing along. It’s the first song she actually knows all the words too, but I’ve never heard it before, and now now doesn’t seem like a good time to tell her that I’m more into the jazz scene. She rolls her eyes at me in fake disappointment when she realizes that I won’t sing with her. She reminds me vaguely of Hope, with just a little less spunk and a little more knowledge of what’s been on the radio for the past ten years.

The song ends, Allie calming back down to her regular mumbling. She takes a left turn and taps my shoulder before pointing to a park with a lake, silently asking me if that one is alright. I nod absentmindedly, thinking that in reality, parks are parks. Except for maybe the one by Carli’s house, that one seems special for some reason.

Allie turns into the parking lot, taking a turn so wide that she reaches out her arm, making sure that I don’t fly forward. I laugh at her driving skills, but don’t question it too much. She pulls into the first spot in the lot, but the farthest one from the bench. She once again turns off the car, waiting for me to get out before locking it.

“RACE YA!” Allie screams, sprinting at her top speed. 

“Wait but my ribs!” I shout back to Allie who’s already at the bench.

I walk to meet Allie, not wanting to do anything to aggravate my ribs and more importantly, not anger Carli. I eventually get to the bench, sitting down next to Allie, who is currently yawning to make fun of how slow I am. I roll my eyes at her and cross one leg over the other. She follows suit, before looking at me, waiting for me to say something. I try my best to think of something to say, but my mind seems to come up blank.

“I’m sorry I never answered your messages.” Is all I can come up with to tell Allie.

Allie stiffens, knowing that the rest of the conversation might not be quite as lighthearted as it has been so far. She turns so that she can look at me, something that usually makes me feel panicked, but with Allie, it only makes me feel a bit tense. I make the eye contact that Allie is clearly requesting from me, trying my best to do what it is that she wants after she’s been so good to me. She opens her mouth to speak before closing it again, trying to find the right words.

“Very few people ever have to go through something as horrific as what you went through in Canada. I’ll never be able to understand exactly what happened to you through your eyes, but I do know that I’ve been through something similar, which makes it easier for us to make sense of each other. I know why you didn’t respond to a single message I sent, and I know why if I don’t act all happy-go-lucky you might not ever answer any of my messages again. Tierna I know that it’s hard to respond to messages whether you know that they’ll be met with jokes or questions about lawyers and cops. What I want you to know, is that you can come to me expecting something in the middle. I’m not going to pry, and I’m not going to make it seem like everything is fine. You get to pick, okay? So you can tell me the awful details and I’ll cry with you if you want, or we can play video games and quote vines, preferably somewhere in close proximity to Carli and Hope so that we can confuse them.” Allie rambles, doing everything that she can to make me feel comfortable.

“I don’t know what to say.” Is all I can muster up, looking down at the ducks by the lake.

“I forgot about that part too. I know it’s hard to accept love after not knowing what it feels like for a while, but I’m not going to leave you alone until you know how to. After that, if you decide you want it from someone else, I’ll back down, but not until you can say more than just ‘I don’t know what to say.’ I know it’s probably different with Carli and Hope, probably even Becky too, but I want you to know that someone besides a dinosaur is here for you.” Allie says, struggling to get the last part out after having been completely sincere through the first bit.

I raise a single eyebrow.

“I know I’m only like four years younger than Becky, and also don’t you ever tell them that I called them dinosaurs.” Allie laughs, letting our conversation return to the easier side of things.

We sit in a comfortable silence for a minute, looking at two geese fighting over something left in the pond. Stray giggles occur, along with the occasional snort from Allie. I raise a single eyebrow at her, just to poke a little bit of fun with her. She almost shoves me off the bench, clearly self conscious of her snort. All the sudden she looks down, her face contorting before she looks directly at me.

“I’m not a dinosaur, right?” Allie asks anxiously.

Now it’s my turn to shove Allie off of the bench, but I settle for a playful roll of the eyes instead, not quite sure that I feel comfortable enough for the former yet.

“I don’t know Allie.” Is all I say, my exhaustion clearly showing through in my voice.

“Tired?” Allie asks, seeming to understand my worn down state of being more than just about anyone else.

I nod.

“It might feel like that for a while. Everything feels heavy.” She adds, looking straight ahead as to not overwhelm me with eye contact.

I nod again, feeling my shoulders get heavy.

“Can I ask you one more question? And then I’ll take you home, I promise.” Allie says, her hand over her heart.

I nod for a third time, but this time not out of exhaustion, just out of laziness.

“Are you going to let me stick around?” 

My head tilts out of confusion.

“In your life I mean.” Allie adds, getting up to walk to the car, keeping her promise.

“Yeah.” Is all I say, kind of unsure of myself, but confident enough so that she knows that I mean it.

Allie smiles at me, and this time walks to the car instead of trying to race me. I get in Allie’s car for the third time, expecting to witness her mumble rap for the third time today. Instead she asks me where I live. Somehow this is even more stress provoking than before. I weigh my options. I could tell her that I live across the street from the park that Carli likes and then just walk home from there, or I could tell her the truth. 

“Allie?” I ask nervously.

Allie just murmurs back, letting me know that I can tell her whatever it is that I have to say.

“I live with Carli.” I admit as if I’m admitting something much worse.

Allie reads the emotion behind my voice, takes a second, and once again opens her mouth to say something before closing it.

“My first season playing pro soccer, I lived with a host family.” Is all that Allie offers up, starting on the route to Carli’s.

Allie asks me if there’s a radio station that I want to listen to, and the question almost confuses me. Carli and Hope ask me a lot of different questions about my preferences, almost all  
of which make me uncomfortable because of how rarely I was asked them when I was younger; but I truthfully love listening to Carli hum, Hope sing obnoxiously loud, and now, Allie mumble rap to songs that she doesn’t know the words to. I tell her that I like the station we were listening to earlier, and I watch her turn it back on, and recommence the mumble rapping.

It takes twenty five minutes to get to Carli’s house, but this time, Allie aces pulling into the driveway. I feel my heart drop when I realize that Allie could pull into the driveway, knowing that means that Hope’s giant SUV is missing in action, but I thank Allie for the ride and promise to call soon before practically jumping out of the car. 

I race through the door to find Carli on the couch, fuming, knowing the look on her face all too well.

“Where’s Mum?” I ask, panicked.

“She’s theoretically at her sister’s house, checking on whether or not they can babysit Harley for Concacaf, but it’s been two hours and I haven’t heard from her. I don’t know where she is.” Is all Carli has to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that nothing awful has happened to Hope. At this point, we’re on a roller coaster that (mostly) only goes up. Fluff ahead, I promise.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ended up angstier than I had intended, so my bad! Next chapter starts camp for Concacaf! I’m promising fluff, and I swear I will deliver.

I hate hospitals, I always have. However, when Carli tells me that’s where Hope is, we’re in my car within seconds. I insist on driving, I even insist on driving my car. Carli assures me over and over again, that even though Hope has been in an accident, that she claims that she’s okay and that she called Carli herself. None of this means anything to me. As far as I’m concerned, one of my Mom’s has been in a car accident and is at the hospital. I don’t drive like I usually do, I’m going five over the speed limit like Hope always asks me to go when we’re just out for a drive for the fun of it.

When we get to the hospital, Carli pays for parking before I can even say anything about it. Both of us are concerned enough that when the car is turned off and the doors close, we run through the parking lot to the emergency room doors looking for Hope. We slow down once inside, not wanting to get thrown out by security before we even get to see her. We find an information desk, and ask if they know where we could find Hope Solo. Instead of giving directions, they do a quick computer search before walking away, motioning for us to follow them. 

Hope is sitting on the edge of a hospital bed, fully clothed, talking to a police officer who leaves once he sees us. Carli corners one of them before they can leave, presumably to ask about what happened, but I just go straight to Hope, happy to see that my Mum is okay.

“Mum what happened?” I ask, completely confused by the situation that I’m finding myself.

“I’ll tell you what happened. Hope apparently rear-ended someone and had to get a stitch.” Carli says, making her way back from where she was with the cop, clearly angry at Hope.

“Wait, just one stitch? As in stitches?” I say, feeling my face break out into a grin.

“Just one stitch. I cut myself from a CD case that flew forward in the accident and they decided to play it safe.” Hope says.

I feel a smile break out on my face, and then the start of a laugh. Hope looks at me in confusion before giggling a little bit.

“What on earth is so funny?” Carli asks, her anger spreading to me.

I don’t answer, in fact, that’s all it takes for me to erupt in a full belly laugh. Hope follows suit, clearly finding it funny that she rear ended someone and needed exactly one stitch. 

“Do you find this funny?” Carli says to a nurse who walks by, now looking very, very concerned as to what Carli might do next.

“Mom, think about it. Mum was in the car, probably singing a loud eighties song, rear ended someone, and then needed exactly one stitch.” I say through both laughter and tears, Hope’s laugh dying down to a giggle.

Eventually, I stop laughing my morbid laugh based around a car accident and a single stitch. Hope reassures a very moody Carli that she, along with everyone else involved in the accident, is alright, and that her singular stitch didn’t hurt even a little bit. Hope and I sit next to each other on the end of the hospital bed watching Carli run around and ask different nurses about which papers that Hope needs to sign to be able to leave. I turn to Hope, making a Pokémon joke about how Carli is trying to catch them all, but with hospital discharge papers. She giggles, earning a glare from Carli, who at this point, doesn’t seem genuinely angry anymore. 

Hope signs the papers, getting up from her seat on the edge of the bed. Most of the nurses look happy to see her go as we walk out to my used Prius. I get in the driver's seat, but Carli and Hope fight it out as to who gets to sit in the passenger seat. It doesn’t come as a shock to me that Hope ends up in the front seat, Carli looking generally unhappy with us in the backseat. I smile at her in the rear view mirror, feeling oddly content at this odd moment. I don’t let Hope turn on the oldies station, instead opting for silence. Carli seems to calm down in the backseat, and Hope seems to be completely fine with everything that’s just taken place.

The silence is mostly comfortable for the rest of the ride, Carli is calm and Hope is halfway asleep. I park on the street in front of Carli’s house so that when Hope presumably buys a new car, she can park it in the driveway and show it off to Carli. Hope raises an eyebrow at me, but gets out of the car, followed by Carli and I. She opens the door to the house, stopping in the living room. All three of us just stand there, not quite sure of what to do. Carli is the first to sit, Hope and I stay standing only a few feet apart.

“What CD was it?” I ask, referring to the CD that somehow caused Hope to need one suture.

Carli facepalms, finding it ridiculous that the first real question that I ask is what CD was it that caused the need for a singular stitch.

“Millennium by the Backstreet Boys.” Hope says, paying no mind to Carli.

“Are we not going to acknowledge that your Mum was in a car crash and could have either seriously hurt someone else or seriously hurt herself?” Carli asks, making wild hand gestures and getting worked up again.

“I just thought that since she was okay..” I say, my voice trailing off, realizing how upset Carli is.

“Carli.” Is all Hope says, in a warning tone.

“No I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh about what happened.” I say.

Carli looks up at Hope, still upset. I shuffle my feet, not knowing exactly what to do. The only thing that I know to do is gesture to the stairs before leaving, going upstairs to my room, my head hanging down.

“What the hell was that?” Hope angrily whispers to Carli just as I’m out of earshot.

“What do you mean? You were in a dangerous situation, and all either of you did was laugh! The only person who took it seriously was me!” Carli says back, looking to make sure that I’m not within earshot. 

“Carli. I love you. I love you more than anything besides maybe that girl upstairs, but that’s a debate that I have everyday. Either way, I need you to know, that girl upstairs just had a moment that was normal. She just laughed at her Mom doing something stupid like Mal, or Sam, or Rose would have done in her place. For Christ sake Carli, you know I rear ended them because I was looking at a dog? Tierna is well within her right to think that everything about me rear ending someone and then getting a singular suture because I got cut by a fucking Backstreet Boys CD.” Hope says, her anger clear as day.

“You could have been hurt!” Carli counters.

“But she was!” Hope yells.

“What does that mean?” Carli asks, her voice still raised.

“When you found her, she was living in her car. Before that, she was living a life where she was living day to day, trying to navigate being a kid while her parents were burning her with cigarette stubs and denying her food when she wasn’t scoring at soccer tournaments. And then there was Canada, and you and I can’t even verbalize what actually happened there because of how painful that was, so just imagine, how painful that must be for Tierna. So I didn’t get hurt today, but she’s been getting hurt for a long time now, and today, she had an opportunity to have a normal moment, and you ruined it. I get that you were scared for me, but it was like that time when we first started dating, with the iron. Do you remember that?” Hope says, trying her best to calm down.

Carli nods, remembering how Hope had dropped an iron just an inch away from her foot, which had caused Hope to laugh in relief, but Carli to cry in despair.

“Tierna was just reacting the only way she knew how, and it was normal. She had a, normal, kid reaction to her Mom doing something flat out idiotic, and you yelled at her for it.” Hope explains. 

“Oh my god you’re right.” Carli says, her face crashing into her hands, realizing that she’s made a mistake here.

“What are you going to do?” Hope asks, sitting down next to Carli, placing a hand on her knee.

“What do I do?” Carli asks, completely unaware of what one does to apologize for taking away a moment of normality from their traumatized child.

“You should probably start by going upstairs to talk to her.” Hope says, kissing Carli’s hairline, letting her know that it’s going to be alright.

“On a scale of one to the 2011 world cup final, how bad is this, so that I know how to fix it?” Carli asks, finally looking all the way up at Hope.

“It’s not a one, but it’s not the 2011 world cup either. Just go up there and do what feels right.” Hope says, kissing her girlfriends cheek before nudging her in the direction of the stairs.

There’s a knock at my door. I get up off of my bed, taking out both of my earbuds to open it, finding Carli, alone, on the other side of it. I open the door wider, gesturing for Carli to come in. She looks unsure of herself which isn’t something that’s typical for her. Nevertheless, she looks at my bed. silently asking if she can sit down, and waits for a nod from me before doing so. I sit down next to her and turn to face her, waiting for her to yell again. I wait for a lecture, or a scolding, or some sort of speech about how horribly I acted at the hospital, but none come. 

“I messed up today T.” 

I flinch before I can even process what’s being said.

“Woah, hey. What’s that about?” Carli asks, nonverbally asking for permission to move closer to me before wrapping an arm around me.

“I don’t want you to hate me. I promise I won’t laugh if anything like that ever happens again.” I say, getting worked up.

“No, no, no, Honey, it’s me who’s here to apologize. Not you. I messed up.” Carli starts, rubbing my shoulder with the palm of her hand.

I look up at her with wide eyes, not entirely sure how to react.

“You didn’t do anything wrong at the hospital. Hope did something completely stupid, and you laughed at her. Honestly, I’m not sure why I didn’t at least break a chuckle now that I’ve calmed down a little. I’m so sorry that I yelled at you, it was all out of stress.” Carli says, tearing up a little bit.

“Um, it’s okay Carli.” I say, not used to people apologizing to me.

“Honey?” Carli says, backing up from me momentarily.

I look at Carli, feeling all of the feelings. She looks at me, clearly missing what I’m trying to tell her. I take a ragged breath, not knowing how to start, or even if I want to try to express this to her. She looks at me and nods encouragingly, so I take another deep breath, trying to find words to express how I feel. With every passing minute, Carli looks more worried, and I get more stressed, but I can’t seem to find words that can let Carli know what I need her to know, without expressing feelings that I’m too tired to talk about tonight. Eventually, I figure out a way to start, and just hope that I figure out how to finish out the statement by the end of it.

“You call her Hope. Like in reference to me.” I say, tucking my hair behind my ears.

“What do you mean?” Carli says, her eyebrows knit together in concern.

“You’ve done n-nothing short of making me feel absolutely welcome in this house. You’ve supported me through Canada, and my broken ribs, and you’ve made it clear that you and Hope want to be my Mom’s. But this house isn’t my home, and y-you and Hope aren’t my Mom’s, as much as it hurts to admit. But when Becky and Allie call you my Mom, I have to tell them to stop, and not even because it’s not professional. It’s because it’s not true. I love you, and when we’re in this house, I can call you Mom and Mum, but everywhere else, you’re just Hope and Carli, apparently even to you.” I say through stray tears that Carli is doing her best to wipe off of my face.

“Oh Kid, if I had known.” Carli says, devastated.

“Do you not want me?” I ask, feeling about ready to sob.

“Tierna, I need you to listen to me with all of the energy that you could possibly have left, can you do that?” Carli asks, looking more serious than she ever has on the field.

I nod.

“Hope and I? We want you so badly, it hurts. And right now, we have Concacaf, and Canada to deal with, but I promise you, one day not so far away, you can tell Becky and Allie and the whole world if you want to, that your Mom’s are Hope Solo, and Carli Lloyd. Because one day, that will be in law, and I promise you that, okay?” Carli says, laying me down in bed and covering me with my blanket.

“I love you Mom.” I say, before quickly falling asleep.

Carli kisses my forehead before leaving my room, closing my door quietly. She sneaks back downstairs, heading right past Hope and straight into the kitchen. Carli grabs a wine glass out of the cabinet, pouring herself a glass of red wine from a bottle that Hope has been keeping in the fridge. Hope looks at her worriedly, not sure whether to ask about why I’m not following her, or why Carli is drinking during the season. Hope instead opts to just follow Carli around worriedly.

“Carli, do you want to tell me what just happened, or why you’re drinking during the season?” Hope asks, more cautiously than usual.

“She doesn’t think we’re her Mom’s.” Carli says, taking a long drink.

“Until she sees it on paper, we could take her to Disney World, and the title of ‘Mom’ is still going to feel like wishful thinking to her.” Hope says with a sad laugh.

“Let's take her to Disney World.” Carli says, taking another sip of wine.

“Carli, you can't seriously think that will solve anything.” Hope scoffs.

“It’s not supposed to solve anything. It’s supposed to make the things that do solve problems, a little bit easier. We could take her right after Concacaf? And then when we come back, the meetings with the lawyers will be just a little bit easier.” Carli says, having apparently thought this whole thing through.

“I didn’t have you pegged as a Disney World kinda person.” Hope chuckles.

“I would do anything for her.” Carli shoots back, stepping forward to wrap herself around Hope.

“I know you would. I would too.” Hope murmurs, nuzzling into Carli, trying to offer whatever support possible.

“I promised her that one day she would be ours.” Carli all but whispers.

Hope takes a step back, looking at Carli in the most reassuring way she possibly can.

“Carli, one day we’ll have a certificate to prove that she’s our daughter, but she is ours. She may not know it, and you may not know it, but I promise you that I know that she is a part of this family enough for all three of us.” Hope whispers.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well guys, I did it. I wrote an email entire chapter with no angst. It only took 31 chapters and approximately 73,000 words, but I did it. Lol, enjoy.

The next week goes by oddly, with random hugs from Carli waiting around every corner, final checkups before training camp, and long conversations with Allie about which european soccer team will win the champions league this season. Therapy goes fairly well. Maria does a family session with Carli, Hope and I, where she explains some therapeutic techniques that Carli and Hope can use when I wake up from nightmares. 

Doctors appointments go even better. Every professional I interact with seems to think that I’ll be in playing shape by halfway through the tournament. Even watching the team training has been going well. I’ve started wearing cleats to practices, much to Carli’s dismay, just to get the feel of being on the pitch in cleats again.

The night before camp, Carli and Hope take me out to dinner, at a place that’s known for their healthy options. It’s the only place in town where everything on the menu follows the team diet. Carli orders a salad while Hope makes fun of her for it. Hope and I both order the same soup. We all sit at a little booth, Carli and Hope on one side of the booth, and me on the other. When the food comes, I pick up my spoon, blowing on my soup before taking a spoonful. Hope winks at me follows suit, but Carli just takes a bite of her salad.

“Vlatko gave me permission to watch camp sessions all week.” Hope says with absolutely no explanation following it.

“How did you manage to get him to allow that?” I inquire excitedly.

“I am now the lead journalist at The Solo Times, which is a made up newspaper that he allowed a media pass to let me into training sessions. You can tell that he and I are getting close, because in his email, he told me to just ‘suck it up and marry Carli already.’” Hope says with hilarity dripping from her voice, fully aware that to get into training sessions otherwise, she needs to be a family member by law.

Carli almost spits out a piece of her salad at this, but I can’t tell whether she’s embarrassed or amused. Either way, I find it funny. Hope, Carli, and I go back and forth about what we’ll be packing to bring for camp, even if we are only staying an hour and a half away from Carli’s house. I can tell that Hope is getting restless, because she’s talking about bringing a swimming suit just in case the hotel has a pool. Carli is talking about how excited she is to be at camp before going to Concacaf in Texas. I get nervous about the thought of my first major tournament, but I’m just as excited, if not more excited than Carli to go to Concacaf.

Dinner ends and the three of us leave for home, all knowing the importance of getting a good night's sleep before a long drive. I grab my standard issue USWNT suitcase that I got when I first joined the team, grabbing all of my jerseys, shorts, and tee shirts that I can find. It feels good to put my cleats in a suitcase again. I can hear Hope singing a nineties song from across the hall, which makes me smile. I head out into the hallway, standing right outside of Carli’s door to listen, grinning a toothy grin to myself. After a minute, I go downstairs grabbing a bag to put my face wash and lotions in, I sprint right back upstairs, finishing up packing. 

This time, I do knock on Carli’s door, waiting for one of them to say something before I open it. Carli tells me to come in, giggling while Hope throws a sock at her, throwing one back at her. I don’t say anything, I don’t even move really, which causes both Hope and Carli to stop their shenanigans and look at me. I just fidget with my hands and shuffle my feet, not quite knowing how to ask for what I knocked on the door to tell them. Hope intuitively looks at me, a lightbulb going off over her head.

“Did you come to say goodnight?” Hope asks wishfully.

I nod, having come to say goodnight to them both.

“Goodnight sweet girl. Practice at eight, bus at ten, and plane at eleven thirty.” Carli says, wrapping me up in a hug and kissing my forehead.

Hope comes in, wrapping the both of us up, laying her head on top of mine. Neither Carli, nor Hope seem to want to move, but even after twenty seconds it still feels comfortable. Hope steps away first, realizing that she needs to back up to let Carli be able to step away, Carli who then promptly does- before taking one step forward to kiss my forehead again. I scrunch up my nose, smiling, before starting to walk out. I stop in the doorway, turning back towards Hope and Carli.

“I love you Moms.” I say shyly before turning to walk out.

Hope runs up behind me, scooping me up bridal style and kissing my cheek. I flinch at first, but then squeal like a kid, yelling at her to put me down, but secretly loving it. Hope puts me down, and I go right back into her arms, hugging her a little tighter than people usually hug when everything is alright. After that, I leave Carli’s room, heading back to my own. I put my suitcase next to the door, turn on my alarm for the morning, and go downstairs to get Harley and take her for one last walk before leaving tomorrow.

Harley wags her tail, happy to see me coming with her leash. I feel just as excited to see her as she is to see me, petting her a few times, I put her leash on and lead her towards the door, sending both Hope and Carli a text to let them know that I decided to take Harley out before bed. I take her around the block, letting her trot her happy little trot the whole way. It takes a fair amount of coaxing to get her back inside of the house, but the promise of both treats and bedtime seems to do the trick. I manage to get her upstairs and into bed, having her lay down at my feet. The two of us fall fast asleep within what feels like moments.

My stomach is in knots when my alarm goes off, but I swing my legs over the side of my bed and rub the sleep out of my eyes anyways. Harley seems utterly unimpacted by the loud noise, which makes me completely confident in her capabilities as a guard dog. I yawn, admiring her snoring, before scratching behind her ears to wake her up and take her outside. She stumbles down the stairs a little bit, regaining her balance halfway through. I smile, cheering her on, and meet her at the bottom of the stairs, hoisting her up to kiss her forehead before putting her back down. I let her outside and walk towards the kitchen counter before noticing that Carli is strewn out across the couch.

“Mom? Why are you on the couch?” I ask, not wanting to step into a territory where I’m not welcome, but also not entirely sure that’s what happened.

Carli turns over and groans before mumbling out, “Your Mum wouldn’t admit it hooked up to a lie detector test, but some nights, that woman snores so loud that I’m surprised that you can’t hear it.” 

I giggle, knowing that she’s right. Most nights Carli just suffers through it, but the night before a travel day with the team? That’s a day that you want to get a good night's sleep before. 

Harley scratches at the door, which is my cue to let her in. I then move to fill her food bowl, which causes her to wag her tail so hard that I’m worried she might sprain it. Once I move out of the way, she practically launches herself head first into the bowl, crunching down her food as she does so. It takes her all of five minutes to wolf down her puppy food, but even when she’s finished she’s still excited. I look at her, raising my hands dramatically as if to ask her what she’s going to do. Unfortunately, she decides to race over and jump up on top of Carli who’s still trying to wake up. 

“Harley.” Is all Carli can manage to whine. 

The actions unfolded quickly, with Harley on top of Carli. First to wake her up and to let her know that she was awake, but then to give her kisses. And now? Well now Harley is just curled up on Carli’s chest ready to go back to sleep for the morning. I wander over to the couch, silently asking Carli if she’d like for me to take Harley so that she can get up. She just pets Harley in response, which makes me think of Hope. The one person who didn’t want to get a dog, is now curled up on the couch with a naughty puppy, making herself late for a major tournament. I snap a quick picture for Hope, much to Carli’s dismay, but she doesn’t seem too upset, because before long she’s back to coaxing Harley. I take a step back, having effectively taken in the sight. I wander over to the kitchen to eat a pre training breakfast before practice today, knowing that today is my very first session back.

Carli gets up, much to Harley’s disappointment, but she adapts, laying down on the couch by herself. Carli trudges into the kitchen, looking less than pleased to be awake. I realize that I’ve never really seen Carli wake up like this, she’s already been fully awake every time she’s woken me up. Deciding that the captain needs a little extra love on this Saturday morning that will most likely turn out to be a long day, I walk over to her, sidle up next to her, and just lay my head on her shoulder. She lays her head on top of mine, silently enjoying the comfort that it brings. We stay like that for a while until she moves to eat, and I move to go finish getting ready. Carli asks me to check on Hope and make sure that she’s waking up too, even though she doesn’t have to leave for multiple hours after we do. I nod, heading for the stairs.

I pop my head into Carli’s opened bedroom doorway, looking for Hope. She’s not in bed, but she’s also not around the room, so I assume that she’s in the bathroom and call it good. I take my hair down while I walk to my room, running my fingers through it before putting it up again. I throw on some old training clothes, and grab my carry on bag that I threw some cleats in for today before heading back downstairs to find Carli loving on Harley again.

“Oh who’s a good girl?” 

“I don’t want to get a dog.” I say sarcastically, mocking Carli, who promptly shoots me a glare.

I giggle, and walk over to the two of them, giving Harley a belly rub before going to find a toy to throw for her. Carli asks me about Hope’s whereabouts, to which I tell her that I’m fairly sure that she’s in the bathroom, but not completely positive. Carli goes upstairs to find Hope and change for practice, but not before warning me to be ready to go within ten minutes. I double check my bag for earbuds and books, knowing that a three hour flight with Christen without earbuds won’t be awful, but that rooming with Becky for a week might. I love Becky a whole awful lot, but she’s kind of like my odd bookish aunt that asks weird questions when we have too much free time. I shuffle through my bag, finding both my earbuds and book, before sitting back down and waiting for Carli.

Carli rushes down the stairs so fast that I’m worried she might fall. She’s got her keys in hand and she’s motioning for me to head out to the car, which I do without question, knowing that Hope is following us to Texas. I pet Harley one last time before kissing her head and leaving, being driven to practice by a captain who’s late to her own practice. She speeds the whole way there, almost getting us there on time. Not a single person gives me a second look in the locker room as I put on my cleats, but Carli gets heckled by a whole gang of people surprised to see her late. It gives me a slight sense that she’s the reason that we’re practicing before traveling for five hours.

Everyone is excited to see me practicing again. Vlatko has a quick talk with me before releasing me to a handful of trainers, a physical therapist placed conveniently on the sidelines. Crystal personally congratulates me on being able to play again and tells me that she’s excited to be sharing the spotlight again, which I know is bullshit, but with the best of intentions. She and I push each other to be better every day, and we’re competitive, but we like each other. Well, I like her at least. 

I’m pulled out of my thoughts by a trainer asking me if my ribs are okay. Since he’s my favorite one, I roll my eyes and stick out my tongue, returning a pass he’d sent me. The physical trainer does not look as pleased as either of us do. Even the trainer respects half an hour off and half an hour on agreement surrounding my ribs and training. Since the half an hour off is considered a break, I use it to sprint over to where the rest of the team is running a full team practice, watching Vlatko go easier on them than he usually does. I wait for the timer to go off on my phone so that I can go back to training. Instead, Vlatko announces a whole team water break, even though it’s early October in New York. I suddenly find myself surrounded by a hoard of tired athletes, excited to see me practicing even if I’m currently just sitting in the grass. The support is overwhelmingly nice, but I can’t help feeling a little relieved when my phone goes off, meaning that I can now sprint back to my training area for another half an hour of training.

I can’t help but think that some of the panic attacks have helped me maintain my endurance, because breathing while running isn’t an issue right now, while it has been in the past. The trainer seems to suggest things just to get to the conveniently placed physical therapist to immediately object. Slide tackles, headers, all of the fun stuff. Hope would be proud of him.

The last half an hour of practice is a break for me, but while I watch the rest of the team practice, they don’t really seem to be doing much either. Literally all Tobin is doing is walking around and nutmegging people, staff included. I stand up, and she moves in for the nutmeg, but I end up taking the ball from her, the biggest pout now on her face. I smile and pass her back the ball, only to get nutmegged from behind while walking away. Tobin Heath could nutmeg a mermaid.

I do actually sit out for the tear down of practice, mostly for Carli’s benefit, instead opting to head to the locker room to shower. I leave my practice cleats in my bag along with the sweaty clothes I’ve taken off, leaving just the sweatpants, long sleeve shirt, and underwear that I’ve brought for the plane, outside of the shower. Sonnet is currently singing along to rap music that either Allie or Lindsey turned on. I get dressed quickly, watching Sonnet and Kelley now dancing together to the song that’s blaring through the speaker. They enjoy it while it flies, knowing that they can’t listen to music on the bus through a speaker.

Allie tries to get me to dance with her, I uncomfortably try to walk away, unsure of how to let her down easily. I smile at her, hoping that I do get to spend some time with her during the trip. Carli finally comes into the locker room to shower, Becky following behind her. I assume that they’re ironing out details for today’s travel plans. I send Christen a quick text to tell her that I’ve already gotten on the bus, and that I’ll save her the seat next to mine. All she sends is a smiley face which reflects my own facial expression as I pick up my carry on and begin my descent onto the bus.

The rest of the team scrambles onto the bus, making a lot of noise for the first half an hour of the drive, but then slowly falling asleep one by one. Christen is one of the first to be asleep, putting on her headphones and leaning back. I’m thankful for the switch in bus buddies, happy to not be what separates PDA. My phone buzzes in my pocket, which turns out to be Carli asking if I’m asleep or not. I ignore it, letting her think that I’m peacefully asleep.

When we get to the airport, it’s Becky who loses the coin toss and has to stand up at the front of the bus to wake everyone up. She yells, waking everyone, before telling everyone to hit the bathrooms before going through airport security. I beat almost everyone off the bus, since everyone else decided to nap for the ride over. All I want to do when I get off of the bus is hang on Carli, but since I’m at work and that’s considered highly unprofessional, I settle for asking her if she knows when Hope will be at the airport. She let’s me know that Harley has been safely dropped off, and that Hope is on her way right now, even though she won’t be on our chartered flight. I nod appreciatively before heading towards security, hoping that it won’t take very long. 

I take off my shoes, and put them along with my bag in a plastic airport security bin. I walk through the metal detector, coming up clean, and wait for my things on the other side. Allie, who was directly behind me, is making funny faces at me from the other side of the line. That is, before she gets randoms selected for a pat down for “suspicious activity.” I crack a smile at Allie who’s now most likely a little grumpy, while I reach for my shoes and bag. She grabs her own pair of shoes, along with a laptop and a backpack, before coming to sit down next to me on the bench where I’m putting on my shoes.

“Are you ready for your first big tournament?” Allie asks, a single eyebrow raised.

I scoff a little bit, “Allie, we’re not even on the flight to camp yet, I think we’ve got at least a little bit of time before the tournament.” 

“Oh no, this is Concacaf right here. No one gets this worked up over a regular camp.” Allie says, motioning to the chaos that’s occurring around us.

I take a second, thinking about the few camps that I have seen before asking, “Should I be nervous?”

“Nope.” Allie says, popping the P. “It only goes up from here.” She says, getting up and walking away, leaving me to finish tying my shoes.  
I get up, going to the gate for our flight. If Carli and Becky told us the truth, our plane should be leaving in a half an hour. My phone still has no notifications from Hope. I was hoping that she would have texted by now to let me know that she’s at least at the airport. Instead, I seem to use my time to watch different clocks tick, simultaneously eating an apple that I paid way too much money for from an airport kiosk. 

The chartered flight boards, and Christen and I find ourselves next to each other for the second time today. She goes right back to sleep, and I stay awake, watching out the window through the clouds. I think about flipping a coin as to whether I should read or listen to music, but decide to instead just sit alone with my thoughts for a few hours and let my mind wander to wherever it might need to go.

We land early, and I giggle at a joke that I wasn’t supposed to hear Ashlyn make, about how we fight to hold tournaments in America, and then we go and choose Frisco, Texas. I gently nudge Christen so that she doesn’t have to be woken up by yelling. She promptly yawns and grabs a backpack that I thought belonged to Tobin. We all scramble off the plane and on to baggage claim as quickly as possible. I spot my suitcase quickly, but the other bags seem to take a long time. There must really be something about a rookie's luck.

Not a single person wants to waste any time getting to the hotel. Both Carli and Becky seem to just let everyone be. Sonnet plays trap music on a speaker, but Carli doesn’t even turn her head. Luckily, the ride to the hotel is less than twenty minutes, meaning that we’re off the bus almost as quickly as we got on it. 

Soon enough we’re swarming a hotel lobby waiting for trainers to check us in and hand us all our keys. I’m one of the lucky few who sat down on the lobby couch before anyone realized that it was there. Becky sidles up next to me to ask about different roommate preferences. She asks me if I’d like to get dinner with her, but I decline, saying that I’m too tired to leave, which is the honest truth. I’m so tired that when the trainers bring Becky and I our keys, that I ask her if we can take the elevator instead of the stairs. She points to her own ribs, asking if mine are okay. I nod, and push the button for the elevator, dragging my suitcase behind me and making sure that Carli can see that I’m heading upstairs to my room.

I ask Becky if I can shower first, feeling odd from traveling all day. She agrees, pulling out a book and telling me to yell if I need anything. When I get out of the shower, she's still there, but she’s ordered us both food, chicken with an array of fruit. I’m at a loss for words to thank her while I’m walking around the hotel room, brushing my wet hair. She puts down her book and smiles at me, telling me that we both had to eat anyway. I thank her again before eating the mediocre, healthy, hotel food. 

When we finish dinner, I thank her again, and she suggests a movie, but I politely decline, asking instead for a raincheck. It’s only seven, but I text Carli, asking her if I can come see her really quickly. Getting a reply almost instantly, she tells me that she’s in Hope’s room, and she sends me her room number along with a reminder to not forget my room key. I turn to Becky, asking if she would watch that movie with me after all, just to wait for maybe fifteen minutes. Knowing exactly what I’m doing, she tells me to go say goodnight, and hands me a room key, causing me to blush a little bit.

Since there’s only one floor between my room and Hope’s room, I opt for the stairs, not wanting to be seen in my pajamas. I knock on Hope’s door, only to have it answered by Carli, who lets me in. Hope wraps me up in a hug and lays her head on top of mine, clearly not having enjoyed traveling by herself for the day. Even Carli comes over to lay her palm on Hope’s shoulder in a comforting way. I take a step back, knowing that I promised Becky that I would only be gone for fifteen minutes.

“I just came to say goodnight.” I say, yawning in the middle. 

Hope steps back in for another hug, “You gonna go spend time with Becky?” She asks, her face on top of my head.

I nod into her chest.

“When she asks you to watch a movie, she’s really asking you to watch a documentary.” Hope says matter-of-factly. 

I nod, knowing that no matter what she puts on the TV, I’ll probably fall asleep halfway through.

“Goodnight Mum. I love you.” I say, squeezing her a little tighter.

Hope squeezes back, “I love you,” she says in a tone that’s a little more serious than I had used.

“Mom?” I ask, still in Hope’s arms.

Carli murmurs, looking up from where she was sitting on the bed.

“I love you too.” I say, wriggling out of Hope’s arms, much to her disappointment, to go place myself in Carli’s.

“I have to go, but I wanted to say goodnight.” I say, walking towards the doorway.

“Goodnight Kid.” Hope says, a halfway grin appearing on her face for a millisecond before disappearing again.

“Goodnight T.” Carli says, winking at me as I open the door, before letting me close it again.

I take the stairs back down to my own room, using the key to get in. Becky has her Netflix pulled up, and is looking at the documentary section. I let out a low laugh, thinking about what Hope said.

“So what are you in the mood for? The nature ones are great, but the societal documentaries are my real favorites.” Sauerbrunn says, completely invested.

“You pick.” I say, snuggling into bed.

I lay in bed, excited for what the next morning brings. When sleep comes, I don’t fight it. I just hope that when I wake up, I’ll be ready for whatever the hell waits for me at breakfast.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter begins Concacaf! The beginning is a moment that makes my heart melt, so I hope that you guys like it. The chapters in the nearer future are very fluffy. This one has a small piece of angst, but more fluff ahead, I promise! Also, I don’t know how much you guys know about the players in real life, but for the sake of this fic, Hope is really tall, Carli is tall-ish, and Tierna isn’t short, but she’s short next to Carli and Hope.

The first three and a half days of camp go by about as well as anyone would have expected them to. I had a nightmare on the first night, which Becky did her absolute best to calm me down from, but in the end, it was Carli who was my saving grace from that. I’ve had two team breakfasts, six training sessions, one lifting session, and one film analysis session. Allie taught me how to play call of duty after we got dinner last night, but she got really disappointed when I died every thirty seconds. If Carli is right, and I do get a big sponsorship deal, maybe I’ll go get an Xbox after this and practice, so that I can surprise Allie with some mad call of duty skills.

My thoughts get put on hold when I throw my bag down in the locker room, knowing that it’s time for only my second full team training session. Carli, Hope, and even Becky voiced their concerns for today, all asking me to take it easy for today, and to only do what feels right. I lace up my cleats, and run out to the field, letting my ponytail flop all over as I do so. Carli’s already out on the field, looking at me cautiously, and even Becky seems to give me looks of confirmation before Vlatko calls us over. I do everything I can to reassure them from afar, shooting them thumbs up while I stretch. 

When Vlatko appears, even Kelley and Sonnet stop their shenanigans to listen, knowing the importance of the next week and a half. He starts off explaining tactics for the first couple of games we’ll play at Concacaf, before telling us what drills we’ll be doing to be ready. Setting up the first drill, Carli’s playing striker all the way up at the front, yet she’s still looking all the way to the back line, and not for a pass, just to check on me. It’s subtle enough that Vlatko doesn’t notice it, but I notice it, and truth be told, I bet that Hope can see it from the stands. It’s a five on five scenario, and Carli and I are both on the same side, trying to score on Ashlyn. Unfortunately, Carli takes a shot that finds the center of Ashlyn’s gloves. 

When Ashlyn throws the ball back out to her own team, I make a slide tackle. I grab my ribs, feigning hurt for just a moment, before smiling. Unfortunately, it wasn’t fast enough to be funny to anyone around me. Hope has already hopped over the barrier, Carli is by my side asking questions that I’m now too overwhelmed to hear, and Becky is running my way from her team, which was playing on a different sector of the field. I don’t know how much of the situation Vlatko saw, but he’s walking our way, looking at us with concern.

“Everyone keep running the five on five.” Vlatko yells as he walks our way, talking to us once he gets close enough to talk just to us “Becky, you take Tierna into the locker room, Carli and Hope, you’re with me.”

Becky looks at me, shooting me a glare that immediately sends my heart into my stomach. It’s a glare that the whole team knows all too well. I follow Becky into the locker room, just waiting for her to turn around and yell. Which is why I’m so surprised when she turns around, and instead of yelling, I find myself wrapped up in a hug. It’s awkward, and it doesn’t last for very long, but it's her way of telling me that everything is going to be okay.

“You can’t do that.” Becky starts.

I nod, like a bobble head, already knowing that I was wrong.

“Really. You can’t do that. You scared Carli, and Vlatko, and me. I mean Hope jumped a barrier because she was worried about you.” Becky says, making the most intense eye contact.

I nod again, feeling horrible.

“I know you don’t want anyone to think that anything is going wrong, but you can’t pull stunts like that. You just came back from being benched from an event that wasn’t just traumatic for you, but for Hope and Carli too. You can make a slide tackle, but just don’t pretend to get hurt, leave that garbage move to Sonnet.” Becky says, putting one hand on each of my shoulders.

“I’m sorry.” I say, my head hanging low.

“That was a great slide tackle. Just don’t pretend to get hurt, okay?” Becky says, running back out to the field.

I take a minute, taking a few deep breaths before running back out to the field. I reclaim my spot in the five on five, not going for any more slide tackles. Carli’s still not out on the pitch, and looking around, Hope isn’t in the stands, and Vlatko isn’t around either. We continue to play on, and with Carli gone, Lindsey is our new midfielder/striker. I send her a chip pass, hoping she can turn it into a shot. She takes it, shooting it off of her left foot, which Ashlyn gets one hand on, but it still manages to make it into the back of the net.

Carli and Vlatko come back out, but Hope doesn’t come back out. I look to the stands to see if she’s sitting with the other journalists, but she’s not. Carli runs to rejoin us, but Vlatko motions for all of us to come back. Carli turns around, running back around, and I follow her, stopping just short of her to listen to Vlatko. He gives us the typical end of practice speech, before letting everyone go. Everyone runs towards the locker room, Carli leading the pack, but I just walk, knowing that Vlatko is probably going to want a word with me.

“Tierna?” Vlatko says, waiting for everyone to be out of earshot.

“Yes coach?” I say, knowing exactly where this is going.

“Don’t do that.” Is all he says, not even looking up from his clipboard.

I nod, walking away as I do so.

The hotel feels a bit more tense that night. Becky doesn’t seem any different, she just reads her book. However, when Carli and Hope text me to ask if we can all get dinner, I pretend I don’t see it, knowing exactly what will happen at that dinner. When a text from Allie pops up about dinner, I put my head in my hands, knowing that I can’t avoid Carli and Hope forever. I reply to both texts, asking Allie if we could get lunch instead and telling Hope and Carli that I’ll be upstairs to meet them in Hope’s room in five minutes.

I straighten up, putting my hair in a messy bun before grabbing the key to my own room. I take the elevator this time, being dressed well enough to be seen by other people. I actually stand outside of Hope’s door for a minute, taking a deep breath before I decide to knock. I take a step back, waiting for Hope to open the door. Instead, I’m practically tackled by Carli who’s in pursuit of a hug. She holds me tighter than she usually does, nuzzling her head into my neck. It feels strange being the one comforting Carli instead of the other way around, but it’s not unwelcome. 

Carli steps back just a little talking both to Hope and I, “I already picked a place. Hope got a rental car.” 

I nod, already knowing that Carli will be ordering a salad. Hope walks towards us, her aviator sunglasses in her hands along with the rental car keys. She puts her hand on my back, walking out of the room. There isn’t enough room for all three of us to walk in a row, so Carli decides to walk behind with me, letting Hope lead the way to the parking garage. Carli’s hand brushes mine a couple of times and I can tell that she wants to hold my hand, but I won’t do it, knowing that any of our teammates could walk by and see. 

The whole ride to the restaurant, Carli looks at me in the rearview mirror, and I pretend to not notice. Hope occasionally makes eye contact, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary from when we all three ride in a car together. Hope drives for forty five minutes just to take us to a restaurant that’s sole purpose is to serve salad, and I laugh when Hope announces that we have a reservation, even though there are only two people in the restaurant. As much as Carli wants to address what happened today, she clearly feels like a kid on Christmas morning, all due to a salad place.

The owners come out and ask to take a picture with the three of us, having recognized Hope and Carli from the 2015 world cup. I smile awkwardly, knowing that neither of them recognize me. They thank us profusely, taking our orders before shuffling to the back. I crack a joke about how Carli will end up working here after she retires, but after the glare that I receive from Hope, I know that if I don’t stop, I could end up moving about forty five minutes north of Frisco, Texas. We make small talk until the food comes, knowing that we’re not very good at starting and stopping conversations.

The first few bites are almost as uncomfortable as the picture we just took. No one wants to be the one to start, but we all want to get it over with. I feel bad for Carli. This restaurant is like her version of Disney World, and we’re going to have to talk about how I screwed up at practice, instead of just letting her talk about the quality of the lettuce. 

“I got kicked out of training today, but I’m allowed back tomorrow, barring any barrier jumping between now and then.” Hope starts, acknowledging what she did wrong.

“I’m sorry I played off of your insecurities. I just don’t want to be the team's lost puppy. If it helps, I got a stare down from Becky. She talked too, but I think the stare is scarier.” I deadpan, taking a bite of the chicken from my salad.

“I’m sorry I started yelling on the field.” Carli says, while none of us choose to make eye contact.

We all take a few more bites, no one wanting to take charge of this conversation.

“I know that what I did was wrong. I know that I wasn’t the only one who walked away from Canada with anxiety.” I mumble off while looking down at my food.

“You’re right, and I shouldn’t be jumping barriers, but Kid, I would do it again. I would jump any sort of barrier to get to you if I thought that you were in trouble. And this time, I’m lucky that Vlatko only threw me out of practice for the day, but next time he might not let me have a press pass, so I need you to only be hurt when you’re really hurt. Okay Kid? I’m not mad, I promise.” Hope swears, her hand over her heart.

“Honey, you can push boundaries. That’s something that kids do to their parents, and I goddamnit I’m excited for you to give me  
premature wrinkles. Okay?” Carli says, getting worked up.

I tilt my head, confused.

“You can push our buttons anywhere you want, except for on the field. You can stay out late with Allie until the point where I send Hope out in her SUV to find you, or you can ignore the team diet and as your Mom I’ll just glare at you, and you can think of a million other ways to push our buttons as parents. However, on the field, you can’t push buttons, because I’m your captain, and Hope is apparently a journalist.” Carli cries, wiping away a single tear.

I offer Carli my opened hand, letting her take it before giving it a single squeeze and letting it go. Hope looks at Carli kind of quizzically, unsure of how she knew what I was doing. All the sudden, Hope looks confused, like she’s piecing things together. She can’t quite figure out why a traumatized teenager would pull a stunt like that at work, much less in front of her parents.

“T?” Hope asks, both eyebrows narrowed.

All I do is murmur.

“Why’d you do it?” She asks gently, blame-free.

“I wanted to seem normal.” I say, taking a nonchalant bite of my salad.

“Is that the real reason?” Hope asks, a stare less frightening than Becky’s, but one that holds more sincerity.

I hang my head.

“Honey?” Carli asks, grabbing her hand from the seat next to mine.

“I don’t know, I guess I wanted to see what you would do.” I say, still not making eye contact.

“You mean like you wanted to see if Hope would jump the barrier?” Carli asks, completely thrown for a loop.

“Wait, let her finish.” Hope says, shooting Carli a look.

“I guess I just wanted to know if you’d wouldn’t want to stick around anymore.” I say.

Carli immediately looks hurt, but Hope has a look of determination stuck in her eyes. Carli grabs my left hand, and Hope follows suit, grabbing my right. I still don’t look up, feeling incredibly vulnerable after telling them something that I had no intentions of ever telling them. Carli moves to speak, but can’t find the words, and closes her mouth, looking down at her lap. 

“Tierna?” Hope says, saying my full name for possibly the first time ever.

“Mm” I say, looking up out of the corner of my eyes.

“Can you look at me?” Hope asks, more emotion evident than there usually is with her badass persona.

I look up out of the corner of my eyes, Hope tilting my head up the rest of the way with her index finger.

“Your Mom and I are not going anywhere, no matter what you do. I don’t even care if you two foot Carli during a world cup final right before she scores a game winning goal. I will spend the rest of my days telling you that there is absolutely nothing you could do that would convince either of us that we don’t want to be around anymore. we love you. Okay?” Hope says, getting almost as worked up as Carli just nods in agreement.

Hope stops me before I can say anything, recognizing that I’m too overwhelmed to really reply back. Hope pays the bill, leaving a tip that I have to assume is bigger than twenty percent, which is rather common for Hope, before we all clamber back into the rental car bound for the hotel.

The rest of the night seems to go on without any major hiccups. I go back to my room, finish my book while Becky finishes hers, and out of boredom, we trade books. After the first few chapters, I start getting ready for bed before going upstairs to say goodnight to my Mom’s. Becky hands me her room key, smiling empathetically, knowing that the three of us have probably had a long couple of hours. 

Hope and Carli still can’t seem to get enough of me, even though we’ve only been apart for a few hours. If it wasn’t for the early morning lifting session, Hope probably would have been able to convince me to stay and watch the old black and white horror movie that she found on TV. Instead, she pouts when I say no, and kisses my forehead, promising that she’ll be there to watch the full team training tomorrow. I tell them both I love them, kissing both of them on the cheek, before heading back to my room, choosing to take the stairs so that no one sees my worn out high school pajama pants.

Becky’s asleep when I get back, so I tiptoe by her, using the bathroom one last time before climbing into bed myself. I set an alarm for the morning, before plugging in my phone to charge for the night. I rolled over, wishing that I had Harley at my feet, but falling asleep quickly anyways.

My alarm goes off far too early for my liking, but Becky is already dressed and ready, just one step away from leaving for breakfast. She says something peppy about what a nice morning it is, but all I do is grumble and pull my pillow over my face. I get up, head down to breakfast, sitting in between Allie and Lindsey who are currently in the middle of a heated debate over what the best breakfast food is. I just sit quietly, taking slow bites to fuel me for the day. They demand that I weigh in, and are both disappointed to know that I think that french toast is the best breakfast food. To settle the tie, I tell them that waffles are better than pancakes, which is true.

The lifting session is almost as much fun- at least when you’re not the one lifting. We’re buddied up by position, doing different lifts. While you’re the one lifting, it’s miserable, but while your partner is lifting, it’s pretty fun to joke with the other half of the team. Crystal and I are having a good time with each other, and I know that she’ll always spot me if I need it. My legs are fine, but my upper body is fairly weak after coming back from the injury, even with the physical therapy.

The morning session follows the lifting, only a fifteen minute break between the two sessions for us to put on our cleats and grab water. Hope is in the stands again, a clipboard in hand that she’s most likely just doodling on. Vlatko has us running drills that I know he picked out specifically for our game against Mexico tomorrow. He’s asking us to push for possession, and to go for every ball. Even though Crystal will be the starting left back tomorrow, I work myself a little harder, feeling like I have something to prove.

Since it’s the last day of camp, Vlatko cancels the afternoon session, instead asking us all to do plenty of stretching and resting. He looks directly at Sonnet, who seems to already be coordinating some sort of shenanigans that Carli will end up having to put a stop to. Allie is making eye contact with me, clearly trying to ask for something. I tilt my head at her, unsure of what she wants. She has to mouth the word “lunch” three times before I can read it, but I finally pick up on it and nod. She then points to Christen and Tobin, presumably asking if they can come too. I nod again, just hoping that I don’t end up as a fourth wheel.

I don’t know what it is about Tobin and burritos, but somehow we end up at a chipotle. I joke with her, telling her that at least this time she can order for herself. She pretends I’ve hurt her feelings, shunning me before ordering a burrito that’s bigger than her head is. The three of us followed her, each ordering essentially the same thing. We all sit down together, the Harry’s manage to end up on one side of the table, and Christen and I end up on the other. Christen volunteers to go get water for everyone, but I get up to go help her carry things. I make sure that also grab enough napkins for Tobin, who manages to get more burrito in her lap than in her mouth.

The first few minutes of lunch are quiet, you can tell we’re all tired from a week of camp, and that we’re letting ourselves zone out before Concacaf starts tomorrow. After Allie gets a few bites of her burrito bowl in her, she starts talking about her plans for the off season, Tobin and Christen following her lead. I feel a little skittish telling them about opening Hope’s new soccer academy, but it was better than telling them that I have absolutely no plans. Luckily enough, the conversation shifts towards puppies, and all pull out our phones, showing each other pictures of our dogs. Everyone is excited to hear about Harley and her dopey puppy life. 

We walk back to the hotel sharing videos of our puppies playing with their different favorite toys. Christen’s puppy Morena is particularly fond of a rope toy that Tobin brought home one day. Allies puppies all seem to fight for one single stuffed rabbit, and Harley is fond of just a plain tennis ball, happiest when someone is throwing it for her. When we get to the hotel lobby, Tobin and Christen are already making plans to go for a walk around the city. They invite me, but I decline, instead opting for a nap and maybe some time with either Allie or Becky. 

My nap ends up being much longer than I had planned on it being. I find myself being woken up by Hope knocking on my door. Practically falling out of bed, I open the door, my hair in a ponytail so loose, that it can barely be called a ponytail. Hope takes one look at me and immediately knows what she’s seeing. She takes the hair tie out of my hair, and turns me around so that she can put my hair up again. Once she’s done, she turns me back around, placing a kiss on my forehead, still not having said a single word yet. I don’t go in for a hug, I just take a step forward and lay my head on her shoulder, still very tired. Hope laughs lightly, rubbing my back gently.

“Sleepy?” She asks.

I shake my head while yawning, feeling like a toddler refusing a nap.

“Yea, I believe that.” Hope sarcastically states, laughing as she does so.

I snake my arms around her waist, about ready to fall asleep on top of her. It’s only seven, and I really need to eat dinner, but the exhaustion of the past week is all hitting at once. Hope kisses my head again, but tries to take a step back, knowing that if a teammate walks by, I’ll wake up and be less than pleased. She makes the executive decision to take me back into my room, seeing that Sauerbrunn isn’t there. 

“You have to eat and get things ready for tomorrow, and then you can sleep, okay Kid?” Hope promises, looking through the hotel menu for something that even remotely follows the team diet. 

Hope settles on calling room service, asking them if they can bring two side salads and add chicken to both of them. All the while, I walk around the room setting out jerseys and cleats and turning on alarms. I sit miserably on the bed, just waiting to eat so that I can go back to sleep. Luckily the salads are quick, and I scarf them down quickly, wanting nothing more than to go to bed. 

I hug Hope, telling her that I love her and that I’ll see her tomorrow. She repeats the sentiment and moves to leave, but I stop her right before she opens the door. 

“Can you tell Mom I love her too? I’m too tired to go, but I don’t want to miss a night.” I say, turning over in bed.

“I’ll tell her.” Hope says, her heart swelling at where my priorities lie, even while half asleep.

I fall asleep, dreaming of world cups, and of sweet dogs, and of being adopted by the two best Moms a girl could ask for.


	33. Chapter 33

Apparently, going to bed at seven o’clock, makes it more likely that you’ll wake up around four thirty in the morning. Tossing and turning seems to do nothing in terms of going back to sleep, so I think of the next best option. I unplug my phone from the wall, sliding it into my pocket before grabbing a room key and sneaking out. I take the elevator up one floor, getting off and walking to Hope’s room. I knock as quietly as I possibly can, cringing at the thought of waking her.

“What’s wrong? Did you have a nightmare?” Hope says, the door swinging open.

I shake my head, standing still. Hope motions for me to come inside, knowing that four thirty in the morning isn’t a time for hotel hallways. She ushers me to her bed, wrapping me up her blanket. I smile at the sentiment, and watch her adrenaline wear off, and sleepy Hope come back.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Hope asks, sitting down next to me.

“I can’t sleep.” I say simply.

Hope doesn’t bother replying, she just lays me down right where I am, tucking me in before climbing into bed herself. 

“Mum?” I ask.

Hope murmurs.

“Nevermind.” I say, not wanting to vocalize what I really wanted to ask for.

“T?” Hope says, followed by a big sigh.

“Yeah?” I ask.

“Cuddle with me.” Hope says, intuitively knowing what I didn’t want to ask for, and moving to the center of the bed.

I move into the center of the bed, letting Hope throw a lazy arm around me while I nuzzle into her. I fall asleep within minutes. Hope sends a quick message to Carli, asking her if she’s awake. She replies quickly, asking what Hope needs, and she’s quite curious when Hope tells her to come to her room, use the room key, and come in quietly. It’s a miracle that Carli actually comes in quietly, because most of the time, she would have already started asking questions, loudly. So when she’s standing at the foot of the bed, she takes a minute, clearly in a cuteness overload from the scene in front of her. Carli takes out her phone, quickly snapping a picture of the two, before looking at Hope, confused as to why she’s here.

“Get in.” Hope mumbles, clearly half asleep.

“What?” Carli asks, completely confused.

“Get in this bed. Enjoy the good moment while we have it.” Hope mumbles again, this time pointing to the other side of me.

Apparently that’s all Carli needed to hear to climb into bed with us. Carli stays far enough away from me so that I don’t wake up from her getting in bed with us, but I find myself unconsciously moving in between the two of them, hoping that they’ll reposition themselves around me so that I’m sandwiched between them. I unconsciously tuck my head under Carli’s chin, leaving Hope to be my big spoon. Hope and Carli press their own foreheads together, falling asleep and enjoying the moment.

Absolutely no one is happy when my alarm goes off. Hope takes my phone, neglecting to turn the alarm off, and throws it across the room onto the other bed. Carli, who is much more used to Hope’s usual morning grumpiness, slowly gets up, turns off the alarm, and sits on the edge of the bed again. My stomach drops when I realize what today’s agenda includes. Hope must feel me tense up because she immediately let’s go of me, instead giving me a concerned look to ask if everything’s alright. I just nod, but by the look on Hope’s face, she doesn’t buy it.

“Nervous?” Is all she asks.

I nod, looking around for Carli who’s disappeared to the bathroom.

“Today is a day where you’re going to be at most, a sub, and you’re going to be great. You look good on the field Kid.” Hope reassures me.

I nod, still looking down. 

“That’s not it, is it?” Hope realizes.

I don’t make eye contact, instead letting her figure out why my nerves are elevated for the day on her own. Hope makes eye contact, silently asking before she scoops me up into her lap. I already know that she’ll tell me that she’ll be there to protect me for the whole game, but I don’t cut her off, there’s a part of me that needs to hear it every time she says it. 

“I’ll be outside of the locker room until you’re on the field, and then I’ll wait until the eighty fifth minute of the game and I’ll go stand outside the locker room again, okay? I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you.” Hope promises.

She keeps her word, staying outside of the locker room both before and after the game. I’m fine, not having played a single minute of the game, but Carli is a little bit grumbly, not happy to also not have played a single minute. Hope knows that Vlatko won’t keep her out of the lineup for long, considering that she’s a captain. I know that I have complete and total confidence in the woman that’s gone from being my national team icon to my roommate, all the way to my kind of Mom.

Carli does not shock a single person in Sahlen’s Stadium, Frisco Texas, when she scores a hat trick against Panama. She’s developed a goal scoring routine, that absolutely no one besides Hope and I have caught on to. The first goal she scores in a game, she slides on her knees while holding up her left index finger, and the first two fingers on her right hand, the number twelve, for me. The second goal she scores, she just runs around while holding up a single index finger, her goal celebration for Hope. If she pulls off a hat trick, she will find me, no matter where I am on the field, and jump up on top of me, thrilled to the highest level possible.

The last game of the group stage, we played against Trinidad and Tobago, scoring seven goals and keeping a clean sheet. Carli isn’t happy to be replaced by Morgan as the striker, and Rapinoe as the captain, but Morgan pulls out only two goals instead of a hat trick. Hope continues the trend of being outside of the locker room, Vlatko and Concacaf granting her permission to do so after hearing why she wanted to. Hope asks if she can take me out for ice cream, wanting to do another thing that I probably missed out on when I was playing club soccer as a kid. Carli tells us that she’s going to head back for an early night in, but that if we can find a place that has frozen greek yogurt, that she’s alright with it. Hope glares, knowing that ice cream and frozen greek yogurt are nowhere near the same thing, but I do a quick google search, finding a place that Carli approves of.

Hope leads me to her rental car, still slightly upset that they didn’t have any SUV’s. She turns on the radio, and starts singing to an eighties song that I’ve never heard before. I giggle and ask her if she’s going to rear end someone. She playfully shoves my shoulder before jokingly threatening to turn the car around, which somehow, makes the experience feel all the more authentic. Hope’s got a smile that’s bigger than Texas.I’m trying not to smile, but failing, feeling quite literally, like a kid going to get ice cream with her Mom.

We walk into the tiny shop, Hope asking me which of the two flavors I’d like. She looks at the two different flavors, trying to decide which one she’s going to get in solidarity. Hope grabs a hold of my hand, knowing that no one knows who we are here. I give it a single squeeze, feeling vulnerable, but wanting to hold her hand more than anything. I catch Hope’s eyes straying away from the frozen greek yogurt, towards the more appetizing portion of the menu. I motion for Hope to lean in a little, standing up on my tip toes.

“Ice cream.” I whisper.

“What?” Hope laughs.

“Order ice cream.” I say, giving her a reassuring nod.

“Only if you let me sneak you a bite.” Hope says, squeezing my hand again.

I nod excitedly, knowing that since she said “sneak” that she won’t tell Carli, and I won’t have to run the extra laps for breaking the team diet. Hope orders one frozen greek yogurt and one chocolate ice cream, letting go of my hand to pay. She leads me to the other end of the counter, offering me her hand again while we wait. I hesitantly take it, looking at her before leaning into her side. When the ice cream is ready, Hope grabs it, taking a spoon for each of us. She lets me pick out a booth by the window, sitting down on the opposite side of me. She lets me talk about the game, letting me get excited about starting for both the semifinals and the finals. She slides me her ice cream, motioning for me to slide her my frozen yogurt. I take a bit of her ice cream, knowing that it’s one hundred times better than what I got. Hope reflects that, taking a bite of yogurt and trying not to let it show on her face that she knows it’s worse than the ice cream. I slide it back, laughing at her, and letting her finish her ice cream.

She drives us back to the hotel, taking me upstairs to Carli’s room to say goodnight before walking me back to my room, saying hello to Sauerbrunn while I get ready for bed. I give her the same goodnight I gave to Carli, before telling Sauerbrunn goodnight. I set my alarm for the semifinals, falling asleep quickly. 

I wake up for the game, finding myself awake before Sauerbrunn. I’m the very first person at breakfast, saving Allie a seat next to me. She shows me pictures from a trip that the team took overseas last season. I smile and nod, waiting to walk over to the field. Sauerbrunn, Carli and Allie walk over with me to Toyota Stadium, Hope already guarding the locker room. I stop Carli before she goes into the locker room, all three of us standing outside of the locker room, with no one else coming. Carli intuitively knows what I’m looking for and closes the gap between the three of us, pulling Hope in with one arm and me with the other. That’s all I need to head into the locker room, and put on my kit and warm up. I warm up for the first game I’ll be in the starting eleven since coming back from Canada.

We scored six goals while playing Jamaica, along with Naeher keeping a clean sheet. Carli on the bench, but celebrating all three of my assists. I tried to mimic her goal celebrations for my assists, holding up a ten on my first assist, a one on my second, and then just tackling Carli on the bench after perfectly setting up Alex. If I wouldn’t get in trouble for jumping into the stands to see Hope, I would do that, but unfortunately, Vlatko would probably bench me for the season. Vlatko subs me off a little bit after the second half starts, putting Crystal in for some possession control. I come off of the field, finding a spot on the bench next to Ashlyn.

After the game, Vlatko wants me to talk to the media, despite it being Alex and Tobin who scored multiple goals. I do one interview for a lower end news station, seeing that Alex and Tobin are talking to bigger journalists. I think I’m as excited to talk to this young journalist as she is to talk to me, both of us apparently being rookies at our jobs. I answered all of her questions, and thanked her before going to the locker room. I pop my head out at Hope to celebrate with her quickly, before taking a quick shower and changing into sweatpants and a tee shirt. I practically tackle Hope in haste for a hug, not caring who sees it. She picks me up and swings me around in a circle before putting me back down, getting ready to walk me back to the hotel.

The rest of the night and the day following it is easy going, all twenty three members of the team on specific orders from Vlatko to get plenty of rest before we face Canada in the finals. Allie and I play call of duty for the vast majority of Tuesday, ordering food during intervals. Carli stops by the room, mostly to tell us that we’re going to hurt our eyes. Allie jokingly hits her with the “okay Mom” which day is sultan in me playfully shoving Allie. My attention quickly returns to the game as we get ambushed by virtual militias, that Carli rolls her eyes at before closing the door and leaving us to play a game that I’m still god awful at. 

After three hours of playing, I finally walk back to my room, meeting Sauerbrunn who’s reading the book I exchanged with her a few days ago. I wash my face before going upstairs grabbing a room key before I leave. Hope and Carli meet me in the hallway expectantly, knowing that tomorrow is the quite possibly the biggest day of the year for me. I say my I love yous and my goodnights, hugging Hope and Carli before going back to my room. I unlock the door, being met by Sauerbrunn, who’s still reading. I climbed into my bed, wishing I had Harley to snuggle with. I toss and turn, taking a half at least a half an hour to fall asleep.

Three forty five in the morning. That’s what time it is when I shoot up in my bed, sobbing. Becky is at my side within seconds, letting me cry it out. She rubs my back, just leaving me be. Becky hands me a tissue, helping me wipe the snot and tears off of my face. I start crying again, this time much softer, apologizing to Becky, who’s having none of it.

“There is absolutely no reason to be sorry. Lay down, okay? We can talk about this in the morning, but I have a feeling that after tomorrow you won’t want to be talking about this. Okay?” Sauerbrunn says, trying to lighten up the situation.

“It’s Canada.” Is all I can muster up, through tears.

“What do you-” Sauerbrunn says before her face falls, realizing exactly what I’m trying to tell her.

“I know that it’s been months and that we’re in Frisco, Texas, and that Hope will be outside of the locker room the whole time, but I can’t shake it. It just feels heavy.” I say, wiping away remnants of tears from my bright red cheeks.

“Everyone who was there that day, knows that we all want to change what happened that day, make it go away, change. However, we can’t do that. We can’t go back and relive that day. The only thing we get to do is decide what to do with it going forward. Tomorrow is a chance for you to go out there and prove to no one but yourself, that you are damn good at what you do, and that even the most horrible of horrible things can’t stop you from doing what it is that you do best.” Becky says, still managing to give great captain speeches even when she’s half asleep.

“Becky?” 

“Mm?”

“Thank you.” Is all I say, before laying down, and going back to sleep. 

Becky awkwardly tucks me in, kissing my forehead before getting back into her own bed. I feel ashamed, guilty, and incredibly vulnerable, but most of all, I feel lucky. Not lucky that I’ve had life experiences that wake me up in the middle of the night, but lucky that when I do wake up in the middle of the night, that there are always people there who want to help me. So I do the best that I can to put the guilt, and the shame, and the vulnerability aside before going back to sleep. 

The next time I wake up is much more peaceful. There’s an alarm going off and Becky has already snuck out of the room. I get ready as quickly as possible, going to Allie’s room to see if she’d like to walk down to breakfast together. Allie and I trudge down to breakfast together, both still seeming tired. We sit at a table with Tobin and Christen, our usual set up taking place yet again, the Harry’s on one side and Christen and I on the other. We eat our eggs and fruits while Vlatko explains just how important today’s game is. 

Even the warm up at the stadium has a different atmosphere. Most of the games we’ve played so far have resulted in scores that have surpassed three, and been clean sheets for us. No one is just expecting that to happen today. So I try to keep myself as focused as I can be, while also acknowledging my nerves. I know that my twenty two teammates and I all have nerves, but for two vastly different reasons. Both coach and captain speeches are kept short today, everyone hungry for the Concacaf title. When we line up for the anthems, I try to locate Hope, assuming that she knows that I can’t be in the locker room anymore. When I find her in the crowd, I can see enough to know that she’s looking at us and not the flags, but I can’t tell whether it’s me or Carli she’s looking at. I try to push it out of my mind as we get into the formation on the field.

Rose Lavelle, right out of the gate shoots and scores, putting one right past Labbe. After that, the game is about as intense as I would imagine a world cup final is. Canada is desperate for an equalizer, and we’re desperate to just keep the score as is, if not score another goal. We’ve both qualified for the world cup, but that’s not enough for either team, we’re both looking for a title. Even Christine Sinclair can’t sneak one past Naeher. The disappointment shows on her face as the whistle blows to end the first half. Vlatko decides to sub me off and put Crystal on, using every single substitution he had to make sure that the second half is just as intense. Carli and I watch from the bench as the half goes scoreless until the eighty fifth minute, where Alex Morgan secures her spot as the MVP of this tournament. Needless to say, the following five or six minutes were very depressing for Canada.

When the final whistle blows, the bench storms the field, celebrating our new title with the players on the field. Crystal and I find each other, wanting to celebrate as left backs. We make our way over to the makeshift stage, waiting to get crowned as the Concacaf champions. Canada goes first, getting their silver medals and their spot in the world cup. We follow them, all climbing up onto the stage to have gold medals hung around our necks. I spend every moment on the stage at Carli’s side, wanting nothing more than to celebrate with her and Hope as a family.

When the ceremony ends, I practically jump off of the stage, sprinting at full speed towards the locker room. Carli sprints after me, following me through the locker room and out into the hallway to meet Hope. All three of us end up in a hug before Hope pulls out a giant white gatorade. Carli takes the medal off of my neck, and I look at the two of them puzzled, but I don’t move out of the way until it’s too late. I look at Hope who has completely drenched me in gatorade, completely confused as to why I’m standing here soaking wet after winning Concacaf.

“We’re going to Disney World!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, you don’t even know how cute the next chapter is. It’ll be worth it I promise.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the fluff! Next chapter isn’t super angsty but it isn’t exactly Disney level happy

“You’re sure that Harley can stay at your sister’s?” 

“Yes.”

“And Hope packed me a bag after we left for Concacaf?” 

“Yes.”

“And you’re sure that Vlatko gave us permission to take a flight to Orlando instead of the chartered flights to New York?”

“Kid. I promise you, we took care of everything. Just relax and enjoy it, okay?” Hope says, growing very tired of my persistent questions.

I stop asking questions, knowing that Carli would have caught any loose ends that Hope might have missed. Secretly buzzing, I look out of the window, excited for probably the first time in my life to be on a bus. Despite my body feeling sore as anything, and having a general fogginess from being at Concacaf, neither of those things can stop me from being excited about going to Disney world. I settle in between Carli and Hope, happy to have taken the middle seat, and already having requested it for the plane ride there. Both were happy to appease my wish, but thought I was crazy for wanting it in the first place.

The bus pulls up to the airport, Hope standing up first to grab our backpacks from up top. I follow Carli off of the bus, grabbing the suitcases that were hidden from me during the tournament from the under part of the bus. I wait for Hope and Carli to let me know what we’re doing, having absolutely no idea how we’re getting to Orlando. Hope seems to scramble, looking through her phone for details within flight tickets. Carli ends up eventually taking the phone, finding what we need within seconds. She leads us to drop off our suitcases before heading to security. 

We find ourselves waiting in a line to go through security, almost finding ourselves in separate lines but being kept together by airport personnel because they saw us as a “family.” I think Hope almost hugged the guy who said it, and not even because she didn’t want us to be split up, just because someone recognized us as a family. It makes security feel a little bit easier to go through. We go to the gate, having only forty five minutes to kill before getting on the plane.

The plane ride is faster than I thought it would be, mostly because I fell asleep against Carli’s shoulder for at least half of the flight. When I wake up, we’ve landed in Orlando. Hope seems just as tired as I am, but considering that it’s ten o’clock in orlando, all we have to do is check into the resort before we can go to sleep. The Orlando airport is covered in Disney memorabilia, which wakes me up just in the slightest. It has a shuttle directly to Disney World, which is exactly what the three of us clamber onto, before getting on a bus to our resort. 

Hope sleepily checks us in, having gotten a room for her and Carli and a separate one for me. I frown a little bit, realizing that I most nineteen year olds sleep alone in their own rooms, but feeling disappointed nonetheless. The good thing is that it’s next to impossible to stay disappointed at Disney World. I get excited again, following Hope to the rooms that are right past the resort pool. All three of us are too tired to do anything besides hug and say goodnight, going into our separate rooms and going to sleep for the night.

I don’t wake up from an alarm, instead I wake up from a knock at my door. I drag myself out of bed to let her in, following her next door to their room. Carli groans when I climb into bed with Hope.

“I brought you in here to get Hope out of bed not so that you could get in it with her.” Carli whines.

“Five more minutes.” Hope grumbles into the pillow, knowing that Carli won’t stop until we’re both up.

I get out of the bed, making Hope whine and Carli cheer. I help Carli drag Hope out of bed, promising her mickey waffles and eggs. I head back to my room, promising to meet them back in theirs once I’m showered and dressed for the day. Breakfast is quick, filled with discussions of which park we should see first. It’s decided that we should see the magic kingdom first, going there for the first and decidedly last day of the trip.

It’s perfect. I buy the picture that was taken of us on splash mountain, in which Carli looks like she's seen a ghost. Hope and I laugh so hard when we see it that we almost double over. Carli even tries to pay me double the amount of the framed picture to not buy the picture, but Hope and I decide that it’s a necessity. 

Hope and Carli want a shot at the buzz lightyear ride, but only because of their extreme competitive streak. I shut down that idea before it gets off the ground, instead suggesting space mountain. Hope immediately agrees, but Carli takes some convincing, agreeing as long as we get lunch afterwards. Carli screams the whole way, but Hope and I just laugh excitedly, having a great time. We don’t even look at the picture, deciding that we’ve harassed Carli enough for the day. So we get lunch, throwing the team diet out the window for the off season. Carli still orders salad, just ordering three side salads as a single meal. Hope leaves early, saying that she’s going to the bathroom, but not coming back for at least twenty minutes leaving both Carli and I suspicious. 

When Hope comes back, she tries to play it off normally by saying the line was really long, but she can’t lie to Carli. She won’t admit anything, but both Carli and I know that Hope has something up her sleeve. We finish up lunch, deciding to just walk around and decide what to do on the go. We stand in line waiting for it’s a small world, listening to the song, which Hope decides to whistle for the whole wait. Frankly, I think the ride is a little creepy, but Carli and Hope both seem to enjoy it.

Hope suggests that we go find the haunted mansion, which Carli and I both agree to, thinking that boats and a slower ride sound nice. So we walk down to the haunted mansion, all three of us holding hands in the cooler weather. Hope loves the garden area of the mansion, asking just about every stranger she can find to take a picture of the three of us with different decorations. Usually, when people hand back Hope’s phone, they ask if we’ll take a picture of their family, which we always do, but the part I enjoy the most, is the assumption that Hope, Carli and I are a family. 

When we get to the final stage of waiting, we’re all grouped in one room with no doors. The walls close in, and I feel fine, but when the lights turn off, I panic. I start shaking, needing the lights to turn back on. I’m shoulder to shoulder with who I logically know is Carli and Hope, but I just can’t seem to convince myself of that right now. My breathing speeds up into hyperventilation. The lights come back on, but I can’t breathe, and I can’t move. Knowing exactly what’s happening, Hope wraps me up, moving me towards the boats that the Disney personnel are trying to usher us into. Seeing that they’re putting two people in a boat, Hope looks at Carli, telling her that she’s going to take this one. Hope practically puts me in the boat, I’m still in the thick of a panic attack, but there is absolutely nowhere else for us to go. Carli waits and gets on the next boat with a stranger, who surprisingly recognizes her, which results in a picture bought at the end of the ride and another embarrassing moment for Carli. Hope uses a therapy technique that Maria taught us in a family session to calm me down, the panic attack lasting less than five minutes. It’s the only bump in an otherwise perfect day.

After we get off of the ride, Carli and Hope pull me into a hug off to the side. I do my best to convince the two of them that I’m alright, not wanting to focus on anything other than the fact that we’re at Disney World. After I’ve thoroughly reassured Hope and Carli, Hope starts shuffling her feet and fidgeting with her ring, a thing she only does when she’s nervous.

“I bought something today at lunch and I was going to surprise you both with it tomorrow morning, but I guess we’re doing this now. I don’t know that you guys will like it, but I got it, and if you don’t like it that’s oka-” 

“Stop rambling Babe, it’s okay.” Carli says.

Carli knows that Hope must have put a lot of thought into whatever this is. Hop only rambles like this when she trains about dates or expensive gifts that she’s nervous about giving her. So Carli does the only thing she can think of doing, holding Hope’s hand, and telling her that whatever it is, it’ll be alright. I just look at her completely confused, unsure as to why she’s so nervous.

“We have to go walk to get them.” Hope informs us, creating more questions than answers.

Carli and I follow a nervous Hope, who leads the way to a tiny shop full of hats. These hats however, aren’t just regular baseball hats or fedoras, they’re hats with mickey mouse ears. They have tens of different ones with disney characters, and designs. Hope steps up to the counter to ask for an order she placed earlier. They hand her a bag and thank her, and Hope immediately walks out of the store, walking us to a bench outside.

“They’re really dorky. It’s okay if you don’t like them. I kind of thought they were funny.” Hope says, pulling the three pairs of mickey ears out of the bag. 

They’re embroidered, matching mickey ears that read “Mum,” “Mom,” and “The Kid.” It’s not exactly as cringe worthy as the matching family vacation shirts that we’ve seen today, but definitely dorky as hell. However, it’s about as Hope as Hope gets, which makes me love it more than anything. Hope waits for a response, and all I do, is take the one that says “The kid,” and put it on, letting her fix the tilt. Carli takes hers, loving it just as much. Hope smiles, putting on her own. 

“I don’t usually go for this type of stuff, I just thought that since we’re here.” Hope says, still nervous about the hats.

“Mum, they’re dorky, and I love them.” I say honestly.

Hope puts her sunglasses on, leading us to go get dinner, trying to keep some of her badass persona intact. After dinner Carli insists on having our pictures taken in front of the castle with our mickey ears on, smiling at her phone when she gets it back. The rest of the night goes smoothly, ending in each of us hanging up our hats, and saying goodnight. We agree to set alarms for nine, to head to Epcot. 

Carli insisted that being at Epcot just felt like being on the national team, but without soccer. I laughed at her, and her absolutely dependency on soccer, just like some people have for coffee. Hope and I enjoy eating a lot of food from all of the different countries, and Carli enjoys having pictures of the three of us taken. We’re all three wearing our mickey ears again, making Hope much happier than I had originally expected that it would. 

I forget that France is known for more than just Griezmann and Mbappé. Hope is bringing croissants while Carli and I are exploring the cake eiffel tower around Epcot’s France. That’s when two women, one with beach waves and a beanie, and another with a messy bun and full makeup show up about ten feet away. I practically rip off my mickey ears, very insecure about what Ashlyn and Ali might think about them, much less me even being here with Hope and Carli. Carli sees the panic on my face, and gets up from the bench where she was sitting, going into captain mode.

“Krieger, Harris, stay there and give me a minute.” Is all Carli says to the married couple who stop dead in their tracks.

Carli turns towards me and grabs both of my hands with her own, an act of reassurance to match her words.

“T, I know you’re freaked out. When I sent them a few pictures, I had no idea that they would just show up here, okay? But believe me when I tell you, if anyone knows something about hiding something that isn’t exactly viewed as picture perfect to the media, it’s ashlyn and Ali.” Carli says, gesturing to the mickey ears in my hands.

“Do we tell them?” Is all I ask.

“Do you want to tell them?” Carli counters.

Hope comes back casually, throwing one hand in the air when she sees Ali and Ashlyn.

“Hope, wait.” Carli barks at Hope, still in captain mode.

“They were there for Canada. They have to know to some extent, and if not, they’re going to figure it out.” I say disappointedly.

“Hope, do you want to come with Tierna and I to go tell Ashlyn and Ali that we’re a family?” Carli asks casually, earning a nod from Hope.

The three of us walk towards a very confused Ali and Ashlyn, waiting for some sort of explanation. 

“We thought it would be okay if we surprised you since we only live twenty minutes away from here, and your pictures were just so cute, we couldn’t resist. We’re sorry though, it looks like we’ve really intruded, and we can go.” Ali says uncomfortably.

“No, we just have to tell you something first.” I start off, matching Ali’s discomfort.

“So we’re in the process of making this one here, ours.” Hope puts it simply, wrapping her arms around my shoulders from behind.

“Wait like a three person couple?” Ashlyn asks, her face all scrunched up.

“NO!” Carli all but screams, while Hope, on the other hand, is doubled over laughing.

“After the Canada case, they’re going to adopt me.” I say, clearing up any confusion.

“I think.” I immediately add, not wanting to make Carli and Hope uncomfortable.

Carli is still having what looks to be a heart attack from being asked if she’s in a three person relationship, Hope is laughing so hard she’s crying, Ashlyn is blushing a shade of red I’ve never seen before, but Ali and I are doing pretty well so far.

“Harris, we aren’t ever going to bring this up again, understood?” Carli says, finally collecting herself.

“Way more than understood. I promise.” Ashlyn says, not wanting to talk about what just happened as much as Carli doesn’t want to talk about what just happened. 

“So do you call them Mom?” Ali asks, still completely grounded.

“Carli is Mom and Hope is Mum.” I reply.

“Hope, if I was any less freaked out, I would be making fun of your british kid.” Ashlyn jokes, trying to move past giving Carli a heart attack.

Even I laugh, starting to walk, leading the way for the group. When Ashlyn finds out that the team diet is no longer being enforced due to the offseason, she orders an ice cream so fast that she almost trips. Ashlyn continues to do most of the talking for the day. The trash talk about the test track racing ride, the subtle shots at the mickey mouse ears, and my personal favorite, the attempt to convince Hope, Carli and I to get the Star Wars pictures done. Carli countered that there weren’t even three girls in Star Wars, and Ashlyn’s response was to simply “make Hope be Darth Vader.” 

Ali takes a lot of pictures for the day, mostly shots of Ashlyn that Ashlyn doesn’t even know she’s taking, but she does take the occasional picture of Carli, Hope and I, if Carli asks for it. She playfully shoves Ashlyn every time she takes a shot at Hope or Carli, even though she’s kidding (and usually right). It’s actually Ali who takes the first shot at our embroidered mickey ears, cracking a quick joke before holding up  
her hands in surrender. All three of us laugh with her, knowing they’re dorky, but liking them anyways.

We wrap up the night with dinner before Ali and Ashlyn head home, and Carli, Hope and I head back to the hotel to go to bed. I get ready for bed in Hope and Carli’s room, lingering even after I’ve done everything I need to do. I linger in their room, not exactly wanting to go back to my own, and while it’s typically Hope who reads these little interactions, it’s Carli this time.

“Stay and snuggle with your Moms for a minute. For me.” Carli says, adding the last part so that I don’t feel childish for wanting it.

That’s all I needed to hear before climbing into their giant bed, cuddling up to the two of them. I had every intention of only staying for a few minutes before going back to my own bed, but apparently spending the day with Ali and Ashlyn has exhausted me to the point where I’m asleep in Carli and Hope’s bed after five minutes. I snore very lightly, curling up in the middle of the bed. Carli and Hope both look at me, realizing that I’ve fallen asleep a few minutes too late.

“Do we take her back to her room?” Carli asks tentatively.

“Only if you’re going to carry her.” Hope mumbles back, her face already buried in her pillow.

Carli opts for the tough love option, which involves gently waking me up and walking me back to my room. I rub my eyes and try to unlock my door, but fumble so many times that Carli decides to take over for me, getting it in just one try. She makes sure I get into bed without tripping over my own feet before leaving, and goes to leave, but I sit up in my bed.

“Wait, Mom.” I say, still rubbing at my eyes.

Carli just stops in the doorway.

“I love you.” I say, sinking back down in my bed.

Carli doesn’t say anything at first, she just walks towards my bed. She bends down, moving the hair from off of my forehead before kissing my temple. 

“I love you too sweet girl. Get some sleep.” Carli says, going back to her own room.

The following day at animal kingdom is another memorable one. Hope and I buy pictures from rides where Carli is getting soaked right as the picture is being taken. I felt so guilty after that, that I bought her a shirt just so that she would have something dry to wear for the day. We go on a safari, seeing animals that I’ve never seen before, causing the truth to come out that I’ve never been to a zoo. Carli has a stranger take our pictures in front of the giant tree that’s been carved to have every single animal to ever exist on it. Hope spends all of dinner trying to probe for which childhood experiences I have and haven’t had, and which ones are worth recreating, which I find absolutely absurd considering that they’re the reason that we’re here, at Disney World. 

We spend the night walking the park, eating desserts that Carli has finally caved in and started eating with us, that is, with a little peer pressure from Hope. Eventually we head back to the resort, Carli begging to go to the hotel gym. Hope and I appease her, deciding that we’ll hang out by the pool for a while. When Hope and I have had enough, finally deciding to head back to the room, Carli is already showered and in pajamas, getting ready for bed. Hope takes a shower, grumbling about how cold the water was from Carli’s shower after she gets out. Carli just smiles and kisses her cheek, telling her that she’ll live. I giggle at how dramatic they both are, telling them that I’m going to my own room to get ready for bed. I get ready quickly so that neither of them will be asleep before I can come back to say goodnight, following our nightly tradition.

The next day is exciting for multiple reasons. Hope is absolutely thrilled to be at hollywood studios for the Star Wars portion of the park, claiming that “you can’t have the last name Solo and not love Star Wars.” We ride the Star Wars ride twice, Carli looking a little queasy getting off the second time. Hope takes Carli and my picture with a stray storm trooper, smiling the whole time. We wander around, looking for different things to do. 

At lunch, I check my phone to find two emails, one from Nike and one from Adidas, neither of which contain ads. I gasp, scaring both Carli and Hope who repeatedly ask if I’m alright. I hand Carli the phone, letting her see what I’ve been sent. Hope scrambles, looking over Carli’s shoulder to see what Carli’s looking at. Carli also gasps, but Hope is grinning from ear to ear. I wait for someone to say something, not entirely sure how to feel. Carli slides my phone back towards me, still silent. 

“What do I do?” I say, breaking the silence.

“Well, I can call my lawyer and we can talk about which is the better sponsorship.” Carli says, semi excited.

“Is something wrong?” I ask nervously.

“No, it’s alright. I’m excited for you honey.” Carli says, grabbing my hand.

I take a sharp breath before asking “Do I have to move out now?”

“It may be my house, but it’s our home.” Carli says, jumping to reassure me.

The rest of the day is awkward, a tenseness in the air. We go for a spin on the rock n roller coaster, Carli again looking nauseated in the picture. Hope suggests that we ride the tower of terror, but even I object to that. Spinning is fine, but big drops make my stomach hurt. We instead do the toy story ride, Hope and Carli trying their best to beat each other in their scores. Once we get back to the resort, we spend the rest of the night playing soccer in a small area of grass, trying to nutmeg each other. I'm both surprised and not surprised that Hope managed to pack a size five soccer ball. The night ends with our goodnight tradition before Hope insists on walking me into my room and tucking me into bed. I tell her I love her, and fall quickly asleep.

Waking up on the last day of the trip is so special in itself, that even Hope wakes up quickly. The three of us get mickey shaped waffles and fruit, scarfing it down before getting on a bus back to the magic kingdom. We walk around, riding rides, wearing our mickey ears and taking pictures. Hope surprises Carli and I with reservations at Belle's castle for lunch, complete with the grey stuff for dessert. I smile at the thought, knowing that I had originally seen Hope as an intimidating and badass, and now she’s surprising us with embroidered mickey ears and lunches at Belle’s castle. 

After lunch, I nervously ask Hope and Carli if we can go and ride the teacups. They both agree, each offering me one of their hands to hold. I take each of their hands, looking forward to the spinning teacups. We wait in line for a few minutes, Carli showing me pictures of Logan and Storm that Ali sent her this morning. Hope wears her sunglasses with her mickey ears, looking both badass and dorky at the same time. When we get up to the front of the line, Carli seems to hold her breath, nervous about something. I grab her hand and squeeze it, wondering what’s wrong. Unfortunately, at that moment, all three of us are loaded into a teacup, and Carli smiles, reassuring me that she’s fine. Hope and I start spinning the teacup, getting it going at a reasonable pace. Hope smiles at me, devilishly, before starting to spin the teacup faster. Carli starts looking queasy, and going a little green, but Hope and I just spin it fast and faster, seemingly as fast as it will go. Hope looks at her, suddenly slowing down. I squeal in excitement, loving the speed.

“Babe?” Hope whispers to Carli, wanting to check on her.

“Spin the damn teacup Solo.” Carli whispers back angrily, still looking a bit green.

“Babe you look like you’re going to throw up.” Hope whispers, still trying to keep me in my own little world where I’m just enjoying a spinning teacup ride.

“Hope, if I throw up, I throw up. She’s enjoying this, so spin the damn teacup.” Carli says earnestly, trying to calm her own stomach.

I barely notice the whole exchange, just trying to spin the teacup as fast as it will go. Once the ride stops however, I immediately notice the look on Carli’s face and panic. We rush off of the ride, and Hope and I guide Carli to a trash in case she does end up emptying the contents of her stomach. It ends up being a false alarm, but we sit on a bench for a few minutes anyways, and I insist on going to get Carli a bottle of water. I make an attempt to have everyone go back to the hotel so that Carli can go back to the hotel, but they both reject this, insisting on staying all the way until the fireworks tonight.

We eat dinner at a fifties style diner before going to get a spot on the street for the parade. The sun goes down quickly and the floats follow, and Hope, Carli, and I watch from the side. As all of the floats reach the castle, scenes from disney movies start being projected on the castle. The fireworks start going off, and the mosquitoes start biting, but I love the whole thing, every part of it. Tinkerbell glides over the castle, sparkling at the top. I lay my head on Carli’s shoulder, feeling the happiest I think I ever have.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I only kind of know where I’m going with this during off season, so if you guys have requests for story lines you want to see, let me know!

Traveling home isn’t exactly as exciting as going to Disney World or Concacaf, but sleeping in my own bed and seeing Harley is peaceful. Harley is so excited to see the three of us that she pretty much jumps up into my arms, insisting on being carried for a minute. I take her for a three mile walk, before throwing a ball with her at the park. When I get home from the walk, I call Allie to let her know that I’m back in town, asking her if she’d like to hang out soon. She’s about as shocked as I am that I’m asking, but she doesn’t have any plans for the next few days, and asks me to come by her place tomorrow.

As I hang up the phone, I realize that before long, I could have my own place with my sponsorship deals. My heart sinks at that, knowing that I don’t exactly want to be very far from Hope and Carli. I know that in the days to come, Carli, Hope and I will be talking about this extensively, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying about it anyways. I don’t even know which company's sponsorship deal I’m going to take. I didn’t think that there would be multiple to choose from. It is exciting though, knowing that I’ll be able to be a financially stable professional athlete. 

I stop daydreaming for long enough to head downstairs, heading to see Hope who is curled up with Harley on the couch, and Carli who’s making dinner. It’s just a quiet night at home, with an old movie on the TV and talk of a board game later. As nice as it is, I know that it won’t last, and that soon we’ll be meeting with the lawyers, therapists and maybe even brand officials if my sponsorship ends up working out. For now, I just sit down in the chair next to the couch, watching the movie with Hope. When Carli calls the two of us for dinner, I go to set the table, setting out the plates Carli hands me. We discuss highlights of the trip and our more pleasant plans for the future. 

Hope tells us all that she’s closed on the space she plans on turning into a soccer academy, and asks if we’d like to go with her to see it tomorrow. When I tell her that I'd be happy to after I come back from Allies, both Carli and Hope are pleasantly surprised to hear that Allie and I are going to spend time together. We agree to go after I come back, Carli and Hope making their own plans for while I’m gone. I smile, liking the fact that Hope and Carli will get some time without me around for once. They could probably use a date night. The rest of dinner is quiet, the rest of us just sitting and talking after we’ve finished our food. 

Instead of playing a board game, Carli and Hope end up teaching me how to play penny poker. Carli kicks both Hope and my ass, and talks trash the whole way there. When I question why she doesn’t take it easy, her exact words are “I don’t take it easy on you on the field, why would I take it easy on you here,” Her competitive streak making an appearance. I laugh, thinking that it’s just about the most Carli thing that Carli has ever said. Hope just grumbles about losing, her own competitive side making her grumpy.

After I’ve effectively lost about a dollar, I say goodnight to them both downstairs, hugging them and telling them I love them. I pet Harley outside before taking her upstairs to bed. It feels nice to have Harley snuggled up to me, even though it’s only been a few weeks since I’ve seen her. We’re both out within minutes, letting the sleep take over quickly.

“They’re pretty cute, aren’t they?” Hope says, poking her head in the door.

“They’re my babies.” Carli says, pecking Hopes cheek before dragging her to bed.

The rest of the night is quiet, everyone sleeping peacefully until morning. I leave quietly, sneaking out before Hope or Carli wake up. I head to a coffeehouse, bringing my old, barely-functioning laptop to do research on sponsorships. Adidas is offering me less money, but with less photo shoots and responsibilities than Nike is. Nike is offering a lot of money, but with a lot more responsibilities in the off season than Adidas is. They both are offering me enough money to rent an apartment close to the stadium, maybe even buy my own house. With either of these sponsorships I can start paying for my own therapy, and the lawyers for my case. With this money, I can be an adult. That thought both excites and scares me. I want to be able to pay for everything that Carli has been covering for me, but at the same time, I don’t want to move out of her house.

Allie’s apartment is truly a mess. There are stray cups with varying amounts of water, books and open video game cases strewn about, and a concerning amount of dog toys. I’m greeted by a hoard of dogs, all very excited to see me, and an Allie who seems averagely happy to see me. She gets up to get me a glass of water without even asking, handing me one while I stand awkwardly in her doorway. She laughs at how gawky I am before ushering me to the couch, having me sit down. I’m once again swarmed by dogs who want to sit on my lap, making Allie laugh.

“So, what’s new Pookie?” Allie asks, petting the dog closest to her.

“I got a sponsorship. Two actually.” I say blankly.

“Tierna!! Where from??” Allie asks, practically bouncing in her seat.

I tell Allie the details, explaining the two different offers. She tells me to ask about the details of promotions, especially photoshoots, not wanting a soccer player to end up in a bikini because of fine print. I almost wrote that down, feeling thankful for the tip. We talked about it for a while, Allie asking me questions about which brand I like more, versus which brands offer seems more financially doable with the time commitment. After that we game for a while, which is something that I’ve marginally improved on. With a sponsorship, I just might invest in a gaming system so that I can adequately challenge Allie.

Allie invites me to stay for a dinner which I know that Carli would definitely not approve of, but I decline, insisting that I have to go home to talk to Carli and Hope about the sponsorships. Instead of going back to Carli’s house, I head to the library, not quite ready to face either of them just yet. I grab a book, but I find my mind wandering into itself instead of reading. My phone vibrates, a text popping up from Carli, asking when I’ll be home. I ignore it, knowing that she’s likely just asking because of dinner. I close the book, knowing that even though I’m fifteen pages in, I can’t tell you anything about the plot. So instead, I put the book on a cart to be reshelved, and make my way to my car, driving home without texting my Moms first.

Hope is making some kind of salad in the kitchen, dancing to no music, but kissing my cheek when I walk by. I smile, saying nothing in return. Carli must be upstairs because she’s not in the living room or the kitchen. Having nothing better to do, I head upstairs to look for her. She’s typing on her laptop, probably working on the business side of Hopes new academy that we’re going to see tonight. Carli looks up from her laptop, with a quick “hey Babe,” before going back to whatever she was working on. I sit down next to her, looking at her screen just to see if she is in fact working on something for the academy. She’s running some sort of budgeting spreadsheet which makes me wish that I had stayed in college for a little longer. Carli holds up her index finger, signaling that she’ll be done in just a minute, before going back to typing. I leave her be, getting up to go back downstairs.

Hope tells me that dinner will be ready in five, setting out the plates herself. I help her out before sitting down at the table, the two of us waiting for Carli. Carli stumbles down the stairs, excited to be attending a dinner that she didn’t have to prepare. It makes me wonder about what went on while I was gone… Nevertheless, we sit down and eat. For once, we’re actually excited to tell each other about our days, since we’ve spent them apart for the first time in weeks.

After dinner, the three of us pack into Hope’s SUV to go see the building for Hope’s academy. The floors are concrete, but Hope starts running around, pointing out where she’s putting turf and different training equipment. I walk around nodding, admiring the huge space. Carli’s making comments that I’m not paying much attention to, but Hope seems to be taking every word as seriously as the world cup. I suddenly find myself running out to Hope's car, both Hope and Carli calling after me. I ignore them, sprinting at full speed to the car to grab a soccer ball before running back into Hope’s academy. 

The three of us play the most makeshift game of soccer I think I’ve ever played. Hope and Carli are both playing in sweatpants and running shoes, and I’m playing in Adidas and gym shorts, which Hope is arguing is unfair, but that’s only because I’m making tackles that she hasn’t made for years. Two steel areas of the walls are being used as goals, and the concrete as the turf that has yet to be put in. We spend at least an hour kicking a ball around, laughing the whole time. The only reason we decide to go home is to take Harley for a walk before it gets too dark out. 

Harley’s excited to see us, but finally starting to grow into herself, looking less and less like a puppy everyday. I take a quick shower before putting on pajamas, going back downstairs to lounge on the couch. Carli is still downstairs, just tossing a ball with Harley. Hope’s upstairs in the shower, getting ready for bed before we have a quick conversation. Carli takes a ten minute shower, meeting Hope and I back downstairs when she’s finished.

“You didn’t get one sponsorship offer, you got two.” Carli starts.

“I did.” I say, uncomfortably repositioning myself, not really knowing what to say.

“I called my lawyer about both the sponsorships and the Canada case. My lawyer wants to meet with us tomorrow about your sponsorships, but is apparently in no way qualified to deal with the Canada case. He did however have the name of a Canadian lawyer who would most likely be best for the case. He thought that if we picked her that we could wrap up the case before next season.” Carli says, laying out every need we'll have for lawyers.

“So we will meet with your lawyer tomorrow, and the Canada lawyer, when exactly?” I ask, trying to figure out what I’m getting myself into.

“You and your Mom will have to go to Canada to meet with the lawyer a few times before the trial. The rest of it can be done over the phone, but she was pretty insistent about being face to face for the first few meetings.” Hope informs me, clearly looking sad at the fact that she’s not going.

“And you?” I ask, wondering what could be more important than the trial.

“I have to be here for the academy remodel.” Is all Hope says, looking down at her lap, clearly feeling guilty.

“Mum it’s okay. I know you would go if you could.” Is all I can offer her in terms of reassurance. 

Hope nods at me, seemingly appreciative of what I’ve said. After that, we all just sit in a silence that none of us quite know how to get out of. As far as I can see, there’s nothing more to be said about sponsorships until tomorrow’s meeting, and there’s always something more to be said about Canada- but no one ever wants to say it. With this being the case, I tell Hope and Carli that I’m retiring to bed before excitedly taking Harley outside. Harley and I walk right upstairs past Carli and Hope who seem to still be sitting in silence. 

We climb into bed, Harley for some reason wanting to cuddle up to my shoulders instead of laying by my feet like usual. I smile at my goofy puppy, listening to her light little puppy snore. 

Unfortunately, when I fall asleep myself, it isn’t exactly quite as peaceful as Harley’s puppy snores. I find myself thrashing and screaming in my sleep, something that I’ve been doing a lot less of recently. Both Hope and Carli are in my room, out of breath from sprinting, within seconds. They try to calm me down through the nightmare, knowing that they’re not supposed to wake me up, but when I start screaming and Harley jumps off of the bed in fear, they start waking me up anyways. I wake up in tears, but not screaming or in a panic attack like I sometimes am, which is a relief for my concerned Moms. Instead of asking me to use my senses to calm me down, they just get in bed with me, inviting Harley back up onto the bed with them. 

Neither of them move when I fall back asleep, instead deciding to just spend the night in my full sized bed. It makes for an interesting morning when all three of us wake up cramped, in my bed that’s made for only one person. I sit up, feeling guilty as hell about the previous night. I manage to pull some acrobatics off, climbing over Hope without waking her up. Harley quickly jumps out of bed, miraculously not waking either of them up. I take her outside before going upstairs to the bathroom myself. Hope has climbed out of bed, but seems to be letting Carli sleep. She raises a finger to keep me quiet, not wanting for me to wake a very sleepy Carli.

“She’s sleeping. We have the meeting in two hours. I’ll wake her in a half an hour if she’s still asleep.” Hope whispers, moving her hair around before walking away quietly. I giggle at Hope’s antics, happy to have parents who love each other. I take a shower and get dressed, searching my closet for clothes that are nice enough to meet with a lawyer. All are a few dresses from late high school, none of which fit well anymore. I make a note to buy dress clothes, knowing that U.S. soccer hands out gym clothes every other week- but not dress clothes. I put on my old dress, feeling my arms almost bust out of it. 

Hope wanders into my room, probably to see if I’m ready for the meeting. I nod without her having to ask. Hope leaves, presumably to find Carli and ask her the same question. Carli appears next. She rushes around, telling me to get in the car, and that she and Hope will be right out. She tosses me the keys to her car, asking me to start it. I back out into the driveway to wait for Carli and Hope to meet me out here.

We’re exactly two minutes late to our meeting, but the lawyer doesn’t seem even slightly surprised or upset by this. I shake his hand and introduce myself, feeling guilty about being late to my own meeting. He tells me that his name is Mark, and not to worry about it. He’s got a whole file folder full of documents related to my sponsorship, which is odd, because all I got was two emails. He explains that although the Adidas offer had less responsibilities, the Nike deal will most likely be my best option. 

I respond to my email, pretty much typing word for word the email that Carli’s lawyer is asking me to type. He tells me that after I sign a few agreements, I’ll have a finalized sponsorship with Nike. Carli and Hope seem fine with this, all nodding along in agreement. I just smile, feeling excited about the thought of feeling financially stable.

The lawyer tells the three of us that we’re free to go, all of us leaving to head home. I try to find another way to waste my time, settling on going to a field to train by myself. It’s a peaceful, quiet day, full of footwork, control, and first touches that would make even Christie Rampone proud.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by a suggestion from justgowithit! Sorry this took so long. Next chapter is really angsty, but the chapter after that is about as fluffy as it gets. Enjoy!

The days following the meeting were spent avoiding Hope and Carli. Not altogether or on purpose per se, just because things have been busy and they seem to be wanting just a little bit of time away from me. I suppose I don’t mind. People need space from each other, especially when they’ve spent every waking hour together for the past few weeks.

So yesterday was spent at an art theatre with Becky. The following day playing video games with Allie and Tobin, and the day after that, I took Harley for a hike. Becky’s documentary was thought provoking, in a way that scared me for our conversation afterwards, but ended up being alright since we shared the same views. Allie has finally decided that I’m at least as good as Tobin is at video games, which is an improvement on my part. As for Harley and our four hour hike? Well she was just glad that we ended up going home when we did, because she was apparently ready to go for another four miles with Hope on her run. I swear that dog could run a marathon.

There have been less-fun things in between all of those things. Therapy, training, awkward small talk at family dinners, even a meeting with my lawyer and a Nike official that made my sponsorship official. I even woke up from a nightmare, Carli by my side. The minute I calmed down, I leapt out of bed, claiming I needed the bathroom. When Carli was still in my room when I got back, I just quickly told her that I needed to get some sleep for morning training. She respected it, but looked almost as spooked as I felt by my reaction.

I really did have morning training. Allie and I hauled ourselves out to the fields, running a few drills. Allie has faster feet than I do, her ladder drills go much faster than mine. After that we get off track, instead just shooting around a bit. Allie gets the ball out of the back of the net, her hair getting caught in the net in the process. I laugh hysterically, helping her get it out at the same time. When we’re both free, we notice a person in the distance, one that’s coming closer. There’s a hitch in my breath, but I play through it, ignoring the hooded, white man coming towards us.

It ends up just being a man asking for directions to the nearest cash station, but it’s too late. I’m already having a panic attack on the field. Allie knows, she’s had enough of her own panic attacks to know what they look like. So when I start hyperventilating and twitching uncontrollably, she knows exactly what’s happening. She jumps into action, first sending the man away. Once the man is gone, she turns to me, not knowing how to address me while I’m rocking back and forth on my knees.

“Sweetie? How do I help you?” Allie panickingly asks me, purposefully using “do” instead of “can.” 

She’s met with silence.

“T, if you stay like that you’re going to hurt your knees.” Allie says, extremely concerned about multiple aspects of this situation.

I breathe faster and faster, unable to catch up to wherever it seems like my breathing is supposed to be. I can hear Allie talking, but I have no idea what she’s saying. I love her, but I want absolutely nothing to do with her right now. I don’t want anything to do with anyone. My body feels funny like it does when I have panic attacks. I know that afterwards it’ll ache, but right now I can’t feel it. I muster up all the strength I have to say exactly one word to Allie.

“H-Hope.”

“You want Hope? Hang on, I can call Hope.” Allie says, waiting for my nod before opening her phone and quickly dialing Hope’s number, stepping away to make the call.

Hope is there within minutes, which is worrisome based on the fact that after Allie picked me up, it took us fifteen minutes to get here. She parks on the street, leaving the door open and running straight over instead. Allie meets her halfway, trying to inform her of my state, but she moves past Allie, knowing exactly what’s going on. She sits down on the ground, lifting me up onto her lap. Hope’s arms wrap around me as tightly as she possibly can, trying to minimize my shaking. She’s whispering things in my ear, but I can’t really comprehend anything she’s saying. Allie is standing awkwardly ten feet away, trying her best to give us space. 

When I burst into tears, Hope’s hand finds its way to the back of my head, letting me nuzzle into her neck. She plays with my hair until my sobs fade to stray tears, telling me everything I need to hear. I just cry it out, having no control over it at this point. I sniffle, feeling tired, heavy, and completely worn out. Allie comes over to Hope and I, bending down in front of me. I bend my head to look at Allie, not entirely what she’s going to do. If I had any energy to feel anxiety, it would be elevating right now. However, I’m much too tired to feel threatened by Allie, even with tear stains running down my face.

“Tierna, I’m going to guess that the only person you want right now is Hope, so I’m going to give you some space. Feel better pookie. I’ll see you soon.” Allie says, walking away.

Hope mouths a quick thank you to Allie over my head, letting her know that it’s okay to go. I nod, that being the biggest thank you I can offer her. I watch her collect her things, packing mine up for me so that I won’t have to do it once I’m calm. She gets in her car to leave, waving at us as she drives by. I want to wave back, but I don’t have the energy or the strength needed to do it, but Hope waves for both of us. 

After I’ve effectively cried myself out, I just sit with Hope, letting myself be held. She says less after she knows that I’ve calmed down, but she doesn’t move until I do, just wanting to keep me safe from whatever it is that’s going on inside of my head. I tell Hope that I love her, before making an attempt at moving, but failing pretty miserably, too worn down to do anything. Hope tilts her head down and looks at me, silently asking permission to carry me to the car. For once I agree, nodding in submission. Hope scoops me up, carrying me with minimal effort. She opens the car door, placing me inside, before getting inside the already opened driver’s seat door. I lay my head back on the headrest, turning my head to lazily smile at Hope. She smiles back before turning the keys, driving us back to Carli’s house. 

We sit in the driveway for what feels like hours, but it’s maybe minutes. Hope doesn’t say anything, she just looks at me with her big blue eyes. I don’t say anything either, I just let out a giant sight, feeling way too tired to move. Hope seems to sense this, cocking her head to one side.

“Kid. Let me carry you inside. Please?” Hope pleads with me.

I agree just this once, knowing that it would take all of the energy I have left, and then some, to walk upstairs to the shower. Hope hoists me up, carrying me like a toddler into the house, walking right by Carli, completely ignoring her questions. She carries me all the way up the stairs and drops me off at the bathroom. She tells  
me to take a quick shower, and then a nap, and to come downstairs only when I’m ready. I nod in the doorway before reaching out to hug her. 

My shower is quick, rinsing off and washing my hair as fast as possible. I dry off and head back to my room, feeling too tired to put on anything else besides a tee shirt and underwear. I sprawled out on top of my bed, falling asleep with no trouble. I stay asleep for at least a few hours, not dreaming of anything distressing. When I finally do wake, I lay in bed for another hour, not quite ready to talk to either Hope or Carli about what happened at the park.

When I do get up, I head to the bathroom to wash my face before going downstairs to face Hope and Carli. I sneak downstairs, dampening every step on the staircase, while watching Carli and Hope spoon on the couch with Harley at their feet. It’s a sight I’ll hold onto for the next hour as we talk about what happened at the park. All three have noticed me, smiles from Hope and Carli, but an excited tail wag from Harley. I offer her some love before I sit down in between Hope and Carli, who have sat up and made a space for me right in the middle.

“So.” Hope starts, not exactly as smooth as she was before.

“Should I break Allie’s Xbox, or make sure that she never gets up off of the bench again?” Carli asks, completely serious.

“Allie did everything right.” Hope interjects.

This isn’t enough for Carli, who promptly looks at me, needing confirmation that Allie did indeed do everything right. I realize just how tired I am, and just how little I want to be having this conversation, but Carli finishes everything she starts, so I guess we’re too far in.

“She did. She got the man to go away and she called Mum.” I say quietly.

“Kid, what man? You never told me about a man.” Hope asks, realizing how little she knows about the actual situation.

“There was a man that approached Allie and I about where the nearest cash station was. Allie gave him directions before I started having a panic attack and asked for Mum.” I say quickly.

“You asked for Mum?” Carli asks, trying to hide the hurt in her voice.

“Yeah.” I say, owning up to my actions, but feeling absolutely horrible about them.

“Why?” Hope asks, her head tilted to one side, her tone quizzical, almost as if she doesn’t believe me.

I have two choices here: make up a cop out answer, or explain that I’m worried that with my newfound sponsorship money, Carli will want me to move out, and so I’ve been avoiding her so that I can stay around both of them. I have no idea what to say, and my thoughts start racing. 

“What’s going through that head of yours?” Hope asks, making my thoughts slow down ever so slightly.

I bite the bullet and face it.

“I don’t want to go.” I say quietly, with the same kind of hurt that was evident in Carli’s voice earlier.

“Honey? What do you mean you don’t want to go?” Carli asks, her eyebrows knit together in concern.

“I-I don’t really kn-know how to say it. It’s just. I’m not yours. I’m not your kid. And now that I do have the money to get an apartment, isn’t that what you’re going to want me to do?” I struggle to say, having trouble finding the words.

“Davidson.” Carli says, clearly going into captain mode.

I look up from the floor to barely meet her eyesight, as she’s requesting.

“This isn’t just ‘Carli’s house’ this is home. It’s my home, it’s Hope’s home, and it’s your home. Sweet girl, you are always going to have a home here, whether you have money or not. It sounds like you don’t want to leave, and so you don’t have to leave, because you are always going to have a place here. Sweetheart, do you want to leave?” Carli asks.

I shake my head emphatically.

“That’s what you were worried about?” Hope asks.

I nod, looking back down at the floor.

“And so you didn’t call Carli because you were worried that in the midst of your panic attack, she was also going to kick you out of your home.” Hope says, a lightbulb going off over her head.

“It sounds stupid when you say it outloud.” I sheepishly mumble out.

“Kid, it’s not stupid, it’s just irrational thinking that comes from trauma. Maybe we could see your therapist before you and your Mom leave for Canada.” Hope says.

“Can I go to bed? I’m really tired from today.” I ask, hoping for a yes.

“As long as you come snuggle with me for a minute first.” Carli says, appeasing my request, but making up for the past few days of avoidance of affection.

I roll my eyes before becoming the middle spoon, only spending about a minute or two in between the two before trying to get up. Both Hope and Carli mumble and groan, but they say their “goodnights” and “I love you’s” anyways. I go to put Harley outside, but they tell me to leave her, that they’ll put her outside and bring her to me when they go to bed. With that new information, I leave a kiss on Harley’s forehead, and ascend the stairs to bed, feeling absolutely drained from the day.

I haven’t even gotten in bed when I hear a knock at my door. I grumble a quick “come in,” which results in my door being opened just enough for Hope’s head to pop through, her finger to her lips as if she doesn’t want me to say anything loudly. Honestly I just laugh, even though it’s not the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen Hope do just this week.

“I know you’re busy with packing for Canada, and you leave next week with Carli, but I need your help shopping before you leave.” Hope whispers loud enough that she should have just said it.

“What for?” 

“An engagement ring.”


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heavy chapter, next chapter should be much, much fluffier. I have one idea as to where I want to take this, but if you guys have requests or suggestions, let me know!

r Hope wakes me up at five thirty. In the morning. On a Saturday. She practically has to flip my mattress over to get me out of bed that early. What makes it even worse, is that once I’m in the car, I realize that no jewelry store will be open at six o’clock on a Saturday morning. It’s only when I get in the car, somehow still half asleep, and look over at her puzzled.

“Where are we going?” I ask.

“The Waffle House.” Hope says matter-of-factly. 

“Without Sonnet?” I joke, throwing my head back.

Hope explains that she told Carli she was surprising me with breakfast. We have to get a ring before going home, to meet Carli, who’s apparently going to surprise me by asking to take me to Coney Island. My excitement soars, knowing that even a November day in Coney Island will be wonderful. I take another bite of my waffle, nodding at Hope’s thorough distraction for picking up an engagement ring.

“So we basically have an hour window in between then to pick a ring.” Hope says, looking slightly nervous.

“Mum?”

Hope looks up from her waffle.

“Are you nervous?” I ask, slightly bemused.

I’ve seen Hope in a lot of positions. Badass, confident, awkward, strong, dorky even. But never this unsure of herself. She’s fidgeting with her ring, biting her lip out of nervousness, clearly worried that Carli will somehow say no.I sit back in my seat, genuinely shocked at how unsure Hope is of herself. 

“Look kid. When I left the national team, I left your Mom too, you know that. I messed up. I really messed up. So I’ve done everything I can to earn back trust over the past months. I just don’t want to get my hopes up about asking your Mom to marry me. Okay? But either way, your Mom and I will still love you whether or not she says yes.” Hope Monologues.

“Mom’s going to say yes.”

“bu-”

“Mom’s going to say yes.” I repeat, this time not earning any arguments from Hope.

We eat our waffles in peace before Hope pays the bill. I get in the passenger's seat, letting Hope drive us to a local jewelry store. We look at countless rings, vintage bronze ones, gold ones with different colored stones, and plain silver ones with clear diamonds. Hope wants a bronze ring with a green gem stone. I’m more of a classic type of girl, advocating for a gold ring with a clear diamond. 

Hope insists on finding a ring that we both think that Carli will like, which is difficult, due to the fact that she only really wears the necklace I bought her on our trip to Mexico. We finally pick out a white gold ring, with the tiniest little diamond, knowing that Carli’s only really a flashy person on the field. Hope buys the ring while I enjoy the little green box it comes in. I notice Hope’s crossed fingers underneath the counter. Hope doesn’t take a bag for the ring, she just puts the box in her pocket, letting it be. We both thank the man for his help, and get in the car, beginning the drive home.

The adrenaline wears off by the time we get home, meaning that I’m back to feeling half asleep from being woken up at five thirty. If I hadn’t avoided Carli for days, I would have asked if I could have taken a nap before Coney Island. However, today, I wanted to make sure she knew I wanted to spend time with her. So the three of us grab jackets and baseball hats, lace up our shoes, and spend the day at Coney Island.

The funny thing is that Carli had no idea that the amusement park part of the Island is closed in the winter. There are a few things that are open, like the ferris wheel that we ride at least three times. We also get lunch, before heading home early, my tiredness becoming apparent to Carli. She has me take a nap before nagging on me to pack for our trip. I oblige, packing the only dress clothes I have for a trip, knowing that I most likely need to go buy some more dress clothes. 

Knowing that I’ll have to get it over with eventually, I run downstairs, grabbing my wallet and the keys to my car before getting stopped by Carli who’s just trying to figure something out on her laptop.

“And where are you going?” She asks, an eyebrow raised as if I’ve broken a curfew that I don’t have.

“I only have dress clothes from high school. I figured I should get some new ones for Canada.” I say, petting Harley who’s just confused as to who’s staying and who’s going.

“Let me go with you.” Is all she says, grabbing her keys which leaves no room for debate.

There is absolutely nothing that could have prepared me for Carli sitting outside of a dressing room, waiting for me to show her dress pants and dresses. She doesn’t quite know what to do, that much is clear. However, she awkwardly shifts and asks if things are comfortable while addressing their professionalism nevertheless. Carli offers to buy the clothes awkwardly, not knowing how to address money any more. I promptly refuse, but thank her for offering, paying for them myself. 

I bully Carli into getting milkshakes from the ice cream place in the food court, paying for both of ours. Carli smirks at me, our pride competing. We each take little sips of our milkshakes, enjoying our impromptu shopping trip. Carli drives us both home to Hope, who’s a little grumpy because of being left out. She tells both Carli and I to head upstairs to pack, knowing that we have to leave soon. 

Hope drives Carli and I to the airport, insisting on occupying the job of chauffeur. She has a hard time saying goodbye to the two of us, reminding us to be safe, to call her often, and not to let any lawyers push us around. I tell the two that I have to go to the bathroom, leaving them to have their own moment. When I get back, Carli’s still on her toes trying to kiss Hope’s temple. I hide behind a magazine cart, waiting for them to finish their moment. Once they end up in a hug, I re-approach them, knowing that Hope is going to want her own moment with me. 

“I love you Kiddo. I’m so sorry I can’t go with you, but I promise I’ll be with you the whole time, okay? I’m one phone call away, and speaking of which, I’ll call to give you some more details about what we did after the waffle house.” Hope says, breaking our hug just enough so I can see the wink she shoots me.

“I love you Mum.” I say, Hope rubbing my back in response.

She kisses my forehead, bending down a little bit to do it. I hold on a little tighter, not wanting to have to miss Hope for a whole two weeks. Carli checks her watch, knowing that if we don’t go through security now, we might miss our flight. Hope reluctantly pulls us each in for one last family hug, not happy that this is the last time she’ll be seeing either of us for two weeks. Once she lets go, Carli and I start walking towards security, ready to begin our airport journey. I realize I’ve forgotten something, and I don’t even say anything to Carli, I just sprint towards where we left Hope, praying that she’s still there. Luckily for me, she’s standing right there, a little teary eyes.

“Kid? What are y-”

“Promise you’ll take care of Harley.” I deadpan, slightly out of breath.

Hope’s face contorts, and then it softens again.

“I promise. No go! If you miss your flight your Mom will end me!” Hope promises.

I sprint back into action, finding Carli behind the airport security line, on her phone, calling me. She’s angry, but once I explain why I had to go back, she just kisses the top of my head and let’s it go. She ushers me through the line, knowing that I know how to get through airport security by now, but she’s instructing me on what to do anyways. We have a half an hour wait once we get to the gate, and I teach Carli all of the stupid games that Allie insisted on teaching me at various moments throughout the season. 

The plane ride itself is a bit stiff, not quite as exciting as getting on a plane to go play soccer. Carli stays awake for the first few minutes to make sure that I’ll be fine, but falls asleep, happy to not have to worry about Sonnet not drawing on her face while she’s out. I just let my thoughts run rampant. Name ideas for Hope’s soccer academy, outfit planning for meetings, and Harley with her floppy little ears. 

New York to Toronto isn’t that far, especially not on a quiet plane. So landing and baggage claim comes fairly quickly. What actually seems to take the longest is waiting for an Uber to the hotel, which we sit on our suitcases for, debating whether Ronaldo or Messi is better. I think we scare our driver with the intensity of our debate. She looks a little frightened to be pulling up to strangers yelling at each other. Seeing this, I awkwardly nudge Carli, trying to get her to stop. She’s got a mischievous glimmer in her eyes, clearly deciding whether or not to try and continue the debate. Luckily for me, she gets the suitcases and puts them in the trunk before climbing in the backseat with me.

“I’m tired. But don’t worry, one of these days you’ll give me the ‘Mom stop’ nudge and I’ll get the perfect chance to embarrass you.” Carli whispers into my ear, teasing me.

I blush, just wishing we were at the hotel already. Carli nudges me before letting my embarrassment run its course. I just sit quietly in the backseat, thankful that traffic is light in Toronto at one in the morning. Carli checks us in, letting me stand sheepishly by her side while she does so. We head upstairs, fighting over who sleeps in which bed. Carli calls Hope while I rinse off from the plane ride, trading places after I change into pajamas. It’s been months since I’ve missed giving Hope her goodnight hug, but I get to tell her that I love her, which puts my mind at ease enough to sleep for the night.

The following morning is strange to say the least. Carli saunters out of bed, which is highly uncharacteristic for her. My panic and urge to scramble to get ready dissipates, matching Carli’s. I roll out of bed and begrudgingly get ready, slowly, matching Carli’s pace. We both head down to the hotel breakfast, eating fruit and eggs to prepare ourselves for the day.

“When’s our first meeting?” I inquire.

“Tomorrow.” Carli says, swallowing a bite of eggs.

I almost drop my fork out of disbelief that I’m awake at eight to be doing nothing until tomorrow.

“Then what are we doing today?” I ask, curious as to what she has up her sleeve.

“I wanted you to have a chance to see all of the places you’ll have to go before you actually have to be in them. So we can go to the law office, and the courthouse. The law office knows we’re coming, and we have a tour of the courthouse at noon. I just thought it would be easier to talk about what happened if you were in a place that you had at least seen once before.” Carli divulges.

“You did that for me?” I ask in disbelief.

“There aren’t a whole lot of things that I wouldn’t do for you.” Carli informs me, ruffling my ponytail to lighten the mood.

Carli spends the day showing me the courthouse where I’ll have my trial, not knowing which courtroom I’ll have my specific trial in, but doing her best to familiarize me with it. She does the same with the law office, but this time we bump into my lawyer. Her name is Callie, and she seems nice enough. Our first meeting with her is tomorrow, and she quickly tells us she’s more than ready for it, shuffling some papers for effect, before scurrying off to another meeting. The rest of the day is spent wasting time in downtown Toronto.

The night is spent on the phone with Hope, who seems to have had a day. Today was the day that she had turf put it in at her academy, so things are really starting to come together for her. When Carli gets ready for bed she tells me that she’ll be calling in to tomorrow’s meeting, being a key witness as to what happened. I try my best not to picture Hope in the room with him, Hope ultimately saving the day. All I end up being able to offer her is a nod. She can’t decide between comfort or encouragement for tomorrow, so she doesn’t go for either. 

Instead, while Carli’s in the shower, she takes the time to tell me of her plans to ask Carli to marry her. She has a few different ideas. Her first is to ask Carli to marry her at the grand opening of her academy, which I promptly decline. That’s a day for her. The day that she asks Carli to marry her has to be about Carli, or hopefully both of them. I suggest the place that they had their first date, or the place that Hope took Carli to convince her to get back together with her when she came back. I thought I said the wrong thing, because all of the sudden Hope is looking down at her phone instead of the laptop screen, but when I ask about it, she’s making reservations for dinner at the restaurant she took Carli on their first date. I feel a little giddy at the thought, happy that the people I see as parents, love each other enough to be together. 

It’s a bit hard to hide Hope's secret from Carli. She can sense that something is up, but I make up little white lies to cover my tracks. For example, I just saw a cute dog, my book was really great, and I was just in an odd mood. She’s dealt with rookies long enough to know that I’m lying, but she doesn’t know what about. Luckily, due to the purpose of the trip, she decides not to press too much, which I truly am grateful for. I almost need Hope’s proposal just to get me through all of the flashbacks and the trauma that Canada brings. I haven’t even gone to my first meeting and I’ve already felt fairly awful about the trip.

I find myself sitting in a big, black, office chair, being introduced to Callie and her paralegal for the second time. I shake each of their hands, hoping that my hand isn’t clammy. Carli does the same, offering me a look of reassurance from the seat next to mine. Callie starts a speech about how she wants to make sure that even though this process will be grueling, it’s as comfortable as possible for me. I just sink down in my chair, wishing that all of this would just go away. Unfortunately, I have no luck with that. 

My paralegal, Sarah, starts pulling out all sorts of documentation, outlining my case by my rape kit,statements from the offender while in custody, and then statements that I’ll eventually have to write out. I sit with my hands folded under the table, silently waiting for the meeting to be over. She asks the first question of the meeting, which throws me off guard. I don’t know what I expected, but I’m not exactly pleased when Callie and Sarah start asking about calling witnesses at the trial. 

Hope is the one they want to talk to today, but they’ll want to talk to Naeher, Krieger, Harris, Long, Tobin, and Christen. I was prepared for Hope. I even knew that we were going to call her at some point in this meeting, and I can live with having Allie be a part of the trial. What seems next to impossible, is having everyone else write out statements, maybe even testify in person. My eyes tear up, but I look down to hide it. Sensing my discomfort, my lawyers leave the room, offering me a minute to collect my thoughts.

“Babe?” Carli asks, turning to look at me.

I ignore her, still looking down at my lap. Carli lifts my head to meet her eyes, offering me a sad smile. I don't let any tears roll, but I sure as hell feel like it.

“Sweet girl, this is going to be hard, but I don’t want this man to ever see the light of day again. If you want to, we can walk out of here right now and go home, we can do that. Tell me what you’re worried about right now.” Carli deadpans.

“I don’t want to have to bother anyone with this case.” I reply, finally letting a stray tear fall.

Carli catches the tear with her thumb, “Honey, not a single person is going to feel bothered by this case. Okay?”

The lawyers come back in, folders in hand. I smile and nod, wiping furiously at my eyes to try to lighten the mood. Carli takes over the talking, letting the lawyers know that we can call Hope anytime now. We call Hope, who sounds like she’s been planning her testimony for months anyways. The rest of the meeting goes by fairly, Hope, the lawyers and I all planning her testimony. 

When the meeting ends, I shake hands with everyone in the room, before heading to the bathroom to throw up. Carli’s behind me the whole time, making sure my hair is back. I get up, wash my hands, and hold my head up high. Carli takes me back to the hotel, letting me rest for the rest of the day. I nap restlessly, not feeling well, but feeling safe enough to sleep. Carli calms me down from any nightmares I may have, making sure that I sleep through them. 

The next few days pass by similarly, filled meetings with lawyers focused on my own testimony. Carli takes notes, writing down what will be my “statement.” Callie decides that since we have a rape kit that matches the dna of the offender, a written statement should be enough. It’s decided that I go to the trial as a plaintiff, just not be called as a witness. Callie tries to help accommodate me in any way possible, whether that be keeping me off of the stand, or giving me breaks during meetings.

Everyone knows that this trip is emotionally draining. That’s why Carli let’s me nap, and Hope calls me to let me know she loves me as much as she possibly can. I’ve gotten messages of support from Allie, Tobin, and Christen too. It’s nice, but it doesn’t exactly help. I try my best to keep my head up, not let the nightmares and flashbacks get me down, but being in Canada is getting me down. Nevertheless, I try my best to keep myself in this safe, content, moment.

The next day is calmer. We have a break from meetings, and Carli and I spend the day just playing games and watching movies in our hotel room. Hope sends pictures of her academy under construction, which is exciting for all three of us. Our collective favorite is the video of her throwing a ball for Harley on the new turf. We order room service, laying around in bed. Eventually, Hope ends up calling to let us know just how tired she is from hauling equipment all day. I tell her I love her before I go to bed, her telling me the same. 

The following morning is filled with rushing around, trying to make sure that we make it to our meeting on time. Carli and Callie both start the meeting with filler, and I’ve spent enough time at Stanford to know that they’re both preparing me for something difficult. I’m too tired to cut them off, so I just let them drone on.

“Alright Tierna, I think we’re at the point in your case where we’d like to get someone we’d like to use as a witness on the phone.” Callie says, not leaving any room for debate.

“Who would you like to call first?” I ask in defeat, knowing that she already knows everyone who was on the scene that day.

“Typically clients either like to talk to who would be the easiest to call, or who would be the hardest to call, and then work upwards or downwards from there. We can call anyone you’d like.” Callie offers me.

“Can we call Allie?” I ask, looking at Carli.

Both Carli and Callie nod at me, Callie offering me a minute before we call Allie to ask her if she remembers anything to be able to testify at the trial. I text her to ask if she’s available, making sure that she’ll be able to pick up in a few minutes. She texts back letting me know that Carli had already prepared her for today. I apologize, letting her know that I’m sorry she has to be a part of this. Before I can look at whether or not she’s responding, Callie and Sarah are back in the room, dialing Allie’s number that Carli gave them.

It’s a grueling call. Allie manages to remain the calmest while talking about the most horrible things imaginable. Her voice only shakes when she gets to the part about carrying my limp body to the locker room, and having to cover me up because of my torn clothes. Even Hope cried before then, but Allie’s clearly done this before, and she’s the calm through the storm. She answers all of Callie’s questions, accepting her critiques. She takes her suggestions when she gives them to her about what to say when she’s cross examined. 

With every word that comes out of Callie’s mouth, I feel my debt to Allie grow, knowing that I’ve had a debt to pay to her since Canada, but that now it feels bigger than ever. Struggling to keep myself present, my thoughts wander to the other people I’ll have to call, the other people who will be present at my trial in January. There are six people, six people besides Hope and Carli that I’m going to have a debt I might not ever be able to repay to all of them. What hurts, is that they all know. Every single one of them will know every detail of the worst day of my life. Hope and Carli got details of the story from being around for nightmares and flashbacks, but these six are going to hear it within the span of a day. 

The meetings don’t seem to stop. One every day, but then a day off every few days. We call someone new everyday, everyone always cooperating and trying their best to make me feel at ease, which somehow manages to make me feel worse. Naeher reminds me that she got punched in the face, which my lawyer promptly reminds her that she can press her own charges on him for. Christen was the person who called the cops, but Vlatko was the first person to talk to them. When Callie suggests getting Vlatko on the phone I almost walk out of the meeting, thinking that next she’ll suggest getting ESPN to cover the trial. 

That meeting ends up ending early, a flashback taking place that causes Callie and Sarah to leave the room and Carli holding me so tight that I think she might break something. She takes me back to the hotel and insists on having me take a nap, tucking me in like a toddler. My body feels sorer than it ever has after any training session, and my head feels heavy. 

When I wake up, I remember the text from Allie, the one that said that Carli had already prepared her for the day. Carli must have talked to Allie without asking me, either that or Allie talked to Carli. Either way, an odd situation arose.

“Mom?”

“Mm?”

“Did you tell Allie we would be calling her during today’s meeting, before, today’s meeting?” I ask.

The way that Carli looks at me tells me all I need to know. However, she composes herself, opens her mouth to say something, and closes it, not having found the right words.

“Tierna, I have to imagine this is the hardest thing that a person can go through, and as your Mom, I wish I could carry this whole thing for you. But I can’t. However, I can do things like text Allie and ask her if she’s free a few hours before we would want to talk to her. Kiddo, as your Mom, I want to make this as easy as possible. So I hope it wasn’t a bad thing that I talked to her before you did, I just wanted to make it easier for you.” Carli says.

All I can manage is a tearful “I love you” that’s met with a hug.

I’m thankful that we’ve only got two days left here, because right now, all I want to do is go home and see Hope and Harley.

The very last morning, Carli surprises me with a hot chocolate from the Starbucks downstairs, but truth be told, I’m a little nervous that I didn’t wake up when she snuck out. I rush around, getting dressed for our last meeting and trying to pack at the same time. I’m absolutely exhausted, but I try to find the energy to make it through just one more day. I pull out my phone, looking for a picture of Hope, Carli, Harley, and I. Finding one gives me just enough strength to get me to the meeting.

The meeting itself is fairly short, all we talk about is how my case will look up until the trial. There will be a few meetings by phone, but mostly nothing until the six witnesses and I show up a week before my court date to be coached on what to say at my trial. I assume that everyone else knows that, just based on the fact that Allie knew. I think that I’ll go visit everyone, just as an act of gratitude, and to also pay for their future travel expenses. Carli asks Callie and Sarah her final questions, pulling up a few that she has written down from Hope. After they’ve been answered, we shake hands once again and part ways for a few months until my trial.

The plane ride home pales in comparison to how emotionally draining meeting with a lawyer on sexual assault is. Dealing with international court systems is never easy, but thankfully, going home always is. 

Hope is waiting for us at baggage claim, each of our suitcases already in hand. Despite how physically and mentally tired I am, I still sprint to hug her, having missed her for almost two weeks. Hope picks me up and spins me around, putting me back down and pressing a kiss to the top of my forehead afterwards. She opens up her left arm, signaling for Carli to get in here with us. Carli isn’t usually one for group hugs, but today she needs the extra love in her life. 

“Let's go home Kid.”


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Takingthelongway! I’m willing to try the Lindsey/Tierna thing, but if it feels weird, I’m probably not going to write it, but she is heading to Portland!!

“Kid do you feel okay? You look a little pasty.” Hope asks, pressing a hand to my forehead.

“Your forehead feels hot.” She adds, a concerned look appearing on her face.

I do a body check, realizing that I do actually feel achy, maybe even feverish. My head aches, my chest feels right, and all I really feel like doing is sleeping. Hope’s eyebrows narrow, looking at me with serious concern. The realization that I’m sick hits me all at once, making me upset that the stress of Canada might have made me sick.

“Mommy.” I say, the childish name slipping out on accident.

“Oh Love. Let me get you some medicine.” Hope says, getting up from the couch to get me some ibuprofen.

I’m the type of sick where I just want to be around Hope and Carli. I guess most people would call that clingy, but since I’m sick, I decide that it’s within normal boundaries. Hope comes back with medicine and a glass of water, making sure that I take it before she walks away again. I find myself a little sad that she doesn’t sit down with me. However, she comes back with a blanket, tucking me in, before sitting down in the chair closest to the couch. I still find myself wanting to be in either Hope or Carli’s arms.

“Kid. What’s wrong?” Hope asks, noticing that I’m not going to sleep.

“Nothing.” I say, trying my best to not be needy.

“Davidson, tell me what’s wrong.” Hope says, using Carli’s captain voice.

“I don’t feel good, and all I want to do is cuddle.” I break down and tell her, blushing a deep pink, about as embarrassed as it gets.

“Do you want me to get your Mom down here too? Or am I okay for now?” Hope says, laying down besides me on the couch.

I don’t say anything, I just let Hope wrap an arm around me from behind, feeling absolutely miserable. I nuzzle into her, finally feeling ready to take a nap. From there, I have no idea how Hope reacts. I take the kind of nap that leaves you with red lines on your arms and face when you wake up. When I do wake up, Hope is there, which makes me grin ever so slightly, right before I realize that my whole body aches horribly.

“Hey sleepyhead. Are you hungry? Or cold? I could get you another blanket, or make you something to eat. What about water? Do you want water?” Hope asks, suddenly flustered, trying to make sure I’m adequately being cared for.

I don’t say anything, I just nuzzle further into Hope.

“Kid, I know you don’t feel well, but you have to tell me what you need.” Hope says.

“I can take care of myself.” I mumble back weakly, trying to convince myself along with Hope of the truth in this statement.

“T, normally I would agree with you. But right now, you’re running a fever. Oh shit! I still need to take your temp. God maybe I should get Carli down here. Anyways, even if you can take care of yourself, I’m begging you, let Carli and I do it. Just let us take care of you right now. I won’t speak for Carli, but I know that I’m more than happy to take care of you. Okay Kiddo?” Hope says, a little all over the place.

I take a minute to mull it over, but after some thought, I mutter out a weak “Okay.”

Hope gets up to find a thermometer, and I find myself feeling sad at the loss of contact. She comes back quickly, thermometer in hand. The funny thing is, she’s not sure whether she should try to do it herself, or hand it off to me, so she’s just kind of slightly moving her hand with it, to buy herself some time to think about it. I feel bad for her, so eventually I just grab her hand with the thermometer and I bring it towards my mouth, letting her turn it on and leave it there. It says that I have a one hundred point two degree fever, which Hope is not pleased about. She once again gets up, this time heading for the stairs. I can only assume that she’s going to go tell Carli that I’m sick.

There’s a loud thud, which I can only hope isn’t Carli or Hope, but honestly I’m not so sure. It’s followed by loud footsteps running through the hallway and racing down the stairs. I’ve seen Carli play at the national team level, and I still don’t think I’ve ever seen her move this fast.

“T, what’s wrong?” Carli scrambles to ask, being trailed by a much slower Hope.

“Sick.” Is the one word answer I give.

“And how long did you wait to tell me?” Carli asks argumentatively, turning towards Hope.

“Babe, I gave her some medicine and we took a nap. I took her temp and then I came to tell you about it, that’s it I promise.” Hope says, her hands thrown up in surrender.

This seems to be enough for Carli, who doesn’t sit down on the couch with me, she instead moves to the kitchen, opening cabinets and moving to the stove. I tilt my head to the side in confusion, and try to sit up, but Hope gently lays me back down, wrapping my blanket around me. Carli only spends a minute in the kitchen, before coming back, and sitting down with me, asking an array of questions about what hurts, when it started hurting, and if there’s anything that might make it feel better. She walks away after a few minutes, heading back towards the kitchen, and this time, she comes back with a cup of tea.

“Drink this, my Mom used to make it for me when I felt sick.” Carli says, offering it to me as I sit up.

I accept it from her with a nod as a thank you, taking a sip.

“Was there anything that you had done for you when you were sick…?” Carli asks hesitantly, referring to any childhood traditions that took place when I got sick.

“I took care of myself.” I whisper, knowing that Carli won’t exactly be happy to hear it.

“Kid, was you won’t have to take care of yourself when you’re sick. I promise you that.” Hope promises me, placing a hand on each side of my head, pulling it towards her so that she can place a kiss on my forehead.

“How about this sweet girl, can we start a new tradition for when you’re sick?” Carli asks me as I lay back down, having finished my tea.

“You don’t have to do that. You’ve already made me tea and given me medicine. Mum even took a nap with me.” I say, sounding fairly weak.

“Kid, I can hear that something’s wrong. Please don’t make me press you while you’re sick.” Hope replies.

“I don’t want to seem needy.” I whisper, burrowing under the blanket on the couch.

This strikes a nerve with both Carli and Hope. They both know just how much I hate being vulnerable with them- but also just how much I need to be vulnerable with them to heal. Hope who was sitting by my feet at the end of the couch, now moves to be my big spoon, and Carli? Carli gets up from the chair by the couch, and comes to kneel down in front of me.

“My love, you’re not needy for accepting the love that your Mom and I want to give you.” Carli pleads.

“Okay.” I say, a single tear rolling down my face.

“Is that a sick tear, or an overwhelmed tear?” Carli asks with a sad smile.

I just nod, knowing that it’s both. 

“Honey, you can’t have medicine yet.” Carli starts before trailing off awkwardly.

“You think this couch will fit the three of us?” Carli asks again.

I nod enthusiastically, still feeling sick and clingy.

Carli asks me one more question, this one by far the most sheepish, “Can I sing to you?” 

I make eye contact, unsure that it was Carli Lloyd, captain of the U.S. Women’s national team that just asked if she could sing to me. I even feel Hope tense up in confusion behind me. She’s clearly nervous about it, which Hope and I can sense, but I don’t want that to stop her. Nodding, I just wait to see what happens from there.

She starts singing Something by The Beatles. Her voice is shaky, and she seems nervous, but she’s not bad. Carli is singing to me, and Hope is playing with my hair. Even though my body feels heavy and achy, these two are somehow making me feel like the most special kid in the world. It’s moments like these that feel the most bittersweet. Logically, I know they’re not my Mom’s, but at moments like these, they sure as hell feel like my Mom’s.

It’s not a fairytale, I’m not asleep by the end of the song. In fact, by the end of the song I’m asking Hope if I can have more ibuprofen yet. Carli insists on getting up to go get the thermometer to check my temperature. She’s a bit smoother with it than Hope is too, which makes the experience a little easier.

“What was it before?” Carli asks Hope, completely ignoring a very sleepy me.

“One hundred point two.” Hope says, sounding almost as sleepy.

“Well. She’s only a hundred now.” Carli accepts.

“Progress is progress.” Hope mumbles, gesturing for Carli to lay back down.

Carli doesn’t lay back down. Instead, she heads to the kitchen, coming back with a bottle of ibuprofen and a glass of water. She offers me two pills and a sip of water, which are very welcomed on my end. She smiles sadly at me, which I try not to feel guilty about, so I just look up at her, waiting to see what she does. 

“Do you want to change into your pajamas so that you don’t have to wear sweatpants for the night?” She finally asks.

A look of misery takes its place on my face, but I nod. I do want pajamas, going upstairs and putting them on just seems next to impossible right now. Carli seems to notice this, because she outstretches her arms for me to climb into. I sit up and lean into them, letting her carry me up the stairs to my room. She sets me down on my bed and catches her breath before heading to my dresser, opening the drawer I point to.

“Do you have a preference?”

“Yours?” I ask, immediately feeling embarrassed about the suggestion.

“Wait, you don’t have to. I’m just tired. I’m sorry.” I say to Carli, who’s already in the doorway.

“Oh no Kid, if you want my pajamas, you’re getting my pajamas. There is absolutely nothing to be sorry about.” Carli insists.

I sit on the edge of my bed waiting for her to get back, before I move to lay down, feeling too sore to sit up. Carli nudges open the door, stepping in with pajamas in hand. 

“I brought you one of Hope’s shirts, but my pajama pants. I thought you might want something from each of us.” Carli says, laying the clothes down next to me.

“Just call when you need me, okay?” Carli adds, leaving the room for me to change.

It takes an embarrassingly long time for me to change, but being sick with the added stress of readjusting to a life that doesn’t revolve around the trauma of Canada, isn’t exactly ideal. If Carli notices, she doesn’t say anything when she comes back into the room. She gets ready to take me back downstairs but I stop her, not quite sure that’s what I want to do.

“Can I go to bed?” I ask quietly.

“Of course.” Carli says, just setting me back down.

“...Can I sleep in your bed?” I ask squeamishly.

“Love, what’s wrong?” Carli asks, sitting down.

I let out a frustrated sigh and collapse onto her shoulder.

“I know it’s not normal. But after Canada, and with being sick, I just want to be close to you and Mum.” I admit honestly.

“You can sleep in our bed, but just for tonight, okay?” Carli let’s me know.

“Wait.” 

Carli stands still, me in her arms, the both of us just barely out of the doorway.

“I need to take Harley out.” 

“Hope will do it.” Carli says, proceeding to take me to her room.

Carli lays me down in her bed, tucking me in for the night. She kisses my forehead before disappearing downstairs to tell Hope to take Harley out. Truth be told, I’m fast asleep before any of this occurred. Nevertheless, they each come upstairs with Harley, climbing into bed on one side of me. They each try to sleep independently, but I unconsciously move towards Carli, insisting on snuggling throughout the night.

When the three of us wake, I feel much better. A little tired, but not nearly as achy or feverish as I had before. Carli insists on all of the usual sanctioned activities for sick people, ie reading, sleeping, and watching movies with Hope and Harley. She pays minimal attention to the fact that my fever has broken. Considering what she’s done for me in the past twenty four hours, I really don’t mind. 

Hope and I are sitting side by side on the couch watching a movie, Harley curled up on my lap. We stay like that four hours, just enjoying each other’s sarcastic commentary on whatever movie it is that Hope picked out. Hope occasionally knows a line and recites it out loud. She and Ashlyn spent so much time together, that sometimes I wonder who became more like who. Regardless, the credits roll for our movie, which is perfect timing for Hope to go help Carli with dinner, as she insisted that I stay on the couch until it’s completely ready.

It turns out that dinner is soup. Carli is the type of person who will make you soup for dinner when you’re sick, even when your throat doesn’t hurt, because that’s just who she is. So when she finally calls me over, I sit down at the table and thank her profusely, feeling forever indebted to her and Hope from the big things like letting me live here, all the way to making me soup when I feel sick.

“Mom’s, is now a good time to talk?” I ask kind of nervously.

Neither of them say anything or nod, but judging by the looks on their faces, I have their full attention.

“I’m going on a road trip. I’m going to Florida, Chicago, and Portland.” I start.

“Great. I’ll get tickets. When do you want us to leave?” Hope asks.

“No, you’re not getting it. It’s not a vacation. I- um. Well, I want to go see everyone that’s going to be called as a witness at the trial. It’s a debt that I’ll never be able to repay to any of them, but it feels wrong just calling or sending an email. So I’m going to go see each of them in person to thank them.” I manage to stutter out.

“Oh.”

“Honey, the team is family, and family bends over backwards to support each other. They’re going to do this for you because you would do the same for them. That’s just what a team is. You don’t have to go on a road trip to thank them like this.” Carli insists.

“I knew you would say that, and I know that you’re right, but I have to. I’ll go see Allie first since she’s living here in New York for the off season. After that, I was thinking that I could drive down to Florida to thank Ashlyn and Ali. I was actually hoping that you might want to meet me in Chicago when I go to thank Naeher. Since I’m a Red Star I'll need to get a place out there for next season. After that you can go home and I’ll head to Portland before coming back.” I insist.

“I hadn’t thought about your NWSL season.” Hope says, defeated.

“I’ll be gone for almost half of it with the national team, so really I'll be here. We can cross that bridge when we get there. For now, are you okay with my plan? You don’t have to meet me in Chicago if you don’t want to.” 

“We’ll be there. We promise.” Carli says, knowing the importance of the promise.

Dinner ends, and Carli announces that she’s taking Harley for a walk. I get up to help clear plates, but as Carli’s walking out the door, she insists that Hope does it instead. Hope reluctantly gets up to wash dishes, sticking her tongue out at Carli before winking at her instead.

“So when is the big night?” I ask from the table, referring to the engagement ring sitting in the pocket of Hope’s jacket.

“Tomorrow.” Hope says as if it’s no big deal.

“I’ll come home to pretend I’m surprised for Carli, and then I’ll head to Allie’s for the night and start my trip.” I offer.

“You had a fever yesterday. There is no way in hell that your Mom is going for that plan.” Hope snarks back.

“I’m still staying at Allie’s for the night. I can hold off on the trip though.” 

“Hey Kid?”

“Mm?”

“I know you helped me buy the ring and all, but I want to ask your permission to ask your Mom to marry me. Is that alright?” Hope asks, now tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

“You and Mom can get married.” I say, giggling at her.

“Thanks T.” Hope giggles back, returning to drying off dishes.

My phone starts vibrating in my pocket, and I open it to a call from Lindsey. Convinced that it’s a misdial, I just let it ring. However, after a few minutes, a voicemail notification pops up, meaning that she definitely meant to call me. I wrack my brain for reasons that the great Horan might want to call me, but I can’t think of any. Either way, I know that I need to listen to that voicemail.

“I’m going to go listen to some music Mum. I’ll be upstairs.” I say, effectively excusing myself.

I race upstairs to my room, close the door, and hold the phone up to my ear.

“Hey Tierna, It’s Lindsey. Um Horan. I- uh. I’d really like to talk to you if you get the chance. Just let me know. Um- goodnight.”


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter starts the road trip! Chapter after that is the date with Lindsey. If you have thoughts, let me know!

“You honestly think I look okay?”

“Mum, Mom would be stupid to say anything other than yes. I promise you that it’s just nerves.” 

There’s at least ten to fifteen minutes more of this, which I spend calming doing everything I can to calm her down. Leaving Hope to give herself her own sort of pep talk, I head downstairs to see Carli who’s getting ready at the kitchen table. 

“Hey Mom.”

“Hey sweetheart. Are you going to miss us tonight?” She asks, having literally no idea what lies ahead of her.

“I guess so. I think I’ll head to Allie’s tonight.” I reply casually, not wanting to give anything away.

“Tell her I said hello. You have fun tonight too, okay?”

“Okay Mom.” I say, smiling a little big.

“What’s that smile for?” She asks, just a little surprised, taking a pause from putting on mascara to smirk at me.

“It’s nothing, just have fun tonight.” I say genuinely, trying my absolute best to not give anything away.

After about an hour of getting ready, finding keys, making sure that I’ll be alright at home, and checking on reservations, Carli and Hope head to the site of their first date. I know they’ll return engaged, but god it’s hard to wait for them while they’re out. It’s not like I’ve never been home without them, I’m home without them all the time, but killing time feels a lot different when you know that your Mom’s are out getting engaged. 

So I do what any rational person would do. I turn on my record player at the highest volume possible, and I sing at the top of my lungs to forties big band music. When that gets old, I take Harley out on a walk to the park, letting her off leash to throw a ball in a fenced area once we're there. Knowing that Carli would be beside herself if she knew that I was out after dark, I head home once the sun goes down. I give Harley some water before watching her curl up in her own bed. Time seems to be moving in slow motion at this point. I pack a bag for Allie’s, do a load of laundry, and clean the kitchen, and they’re still not back. 

They wait until I’m obnoxiously singing along to the theme song of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air to come home. Funny thing is, Carli’s so worked up that she doesn’t even care about me, this moment is all about her and Hope. I immediately jump to my feet, turning off the TV, ready to hear whatever it is they’re going to say.

“Davidson did you know about this??” Carli asks.

I look at Hope, totally unprepared for this question.

“Know what?” I ask, hoping that she’s not actually angry.

“She knows.” Carli says.

“Okay, fine, I know. Will you just tell me whether or not you said yes??” I ask, desperate to know.

She doesn’t say anything, she just walks forward to show me the ring on her finger, the absolute biggest smile on her face. I already know what the ring looks like, so really what I do, is practically tackle them both in haste of a hug. 

“Congratulations. I love you both so much.”

“You wanna year the story?” Carli asks, backing up a bit.

I nod vigorously, so excited to have two engaged Mom’s. She opens her mouth to start talking, but giggles instead, looking so in love with Hope. 

“Your Mum, took me to where we had our very first date. Our very first date, and then, she got nervous. So she ordered appetizers, soups, salads, entrees and desserts, but she couldn’t work up the courage to pop the question. So she just sits there eating her food, all while I’m trying to make conversation, but she doesn’t seem to want to do that. When we get dessert, she eases into talking, but she’s not popping the question. So she pays the bill, and I’m figuring that it’s just been a weird date night with Hope.” Carli trails off, now tearing up.

“Um, and then. And then we were in the parking lot, and she turns on a song we dance to a lot, and puts her phone and jacket down. She turns to me, and she asks me to dance. Now you know that this is a classic Hope move, and that she could care less about who sees us dancing. So I just kind of saunter back towards her, slow dancing in a freaking parking lot. So when the song ends, I’m thinking that we’re just getting back in the car and going home, but Hope isn’t getting in the car. So I turn around, and Hope is on one knee, and she’s asking me the question. And now I’m here, telling you the story.” Carli says, wiping tears away.

I love listening to tell Carli tell the story, but what I really enjoy, is watching Hope look at Carli. She’s looking at Carli the way that Kelley looks at beer, and it’s pretty sweet. 

“Congratulations Mom’s. I’ll head to Allie’s to give you guys the house. I’ll be back tomorrow.” I say awkwardly, grabbing the duffel bag by the door and the keys conveniently laid on top of them.

“Wait, come here Love.” 

I can’t believe I almost forgot the goodnight routine. There are hugs, kisses, “goodnights”, and “I love you’s”, all shared before I do leave. I send Allie a quick text from my parked car, letting her know I’m on my way, before driving to her dog filled apartment. 

I smirk to myself, knowing what I have in the backseat of my car as a thank you gift for Allie. What surges to the front of my mind, is the voicemail I got from Lindsey. Allie seems like someone who can help me with that. I focus on the road for the rest of the drive, parking my car on a side street by her apartment. I grab my duffel bag, my keys, and the wrapped box from my backseat to give her, and head to her front door.

“Pookie! What is that?” Allie says, holding her dogs back as she opens the door.

“Can I come in?” I ask with a giggle.

Allie opens the door, allowing my entry. I sit down on the couch, dropping my duffel bag at my feet. Her dogs move to smell me and my duffel bag, probably smelling Harley all over them. Allie sits down next to me, collecting herself and calming down her excited puppies. 

“I knew you were staying over, so the duffel makes sense. But what’s the wrapped box?” Allie asks right off the bat.

“Well, um. It’s for you. You were in the actual room when what happened in Canada went down, and you’re going to take the stand at my trial. I owe you a debt that I can’t ever repay, but I wanted to get you something to say thank you anyways.” I say, handing her the box.

“Davidson, you owe me absolutely nothing. I want you to know, as someone who’s been through something similar, that you don’t owe me anything. It’s the man that stands trial that’s indebted to you, and he’ll pay in years served. So you don’t need to give me whatever’s in that box, because you aren’t the one that’s in debt here.” Allie deadpans, an incredibly serious look on her face.

“While I appreciate that, just please, please open it?” I plead.

Allie glares at me, but nevertheless she starts peeling at the tape. 

“Oh my god. There is no way you did this.” Allie says, her jaw practically on the floor.

“Open the box.” I add.

“Pookie. I can’t take this. You can’t get me a Nintendo switch and the newest Call of Duty game to go with it! You can’t get me either!” Allie says, her shock still very much in play.

“I charged it before I came…. You wanna face off?” I ask.

Allie is seriously debating what to say. I for one, am so excited I could get her something she’s wanted so much, for so long. She wants to accept it, but clearly doesn’t think she can. I figure out that I have a trick up my sleeve, and hope that it works.

“How about this?”

Allie looks up from looking at the game case, intrigued with both me and the new game.

“I don’t have a problem per se, but I have a thing. If you can help me with that thing, then the switch and game can be a thank you gift for that.” I say, stating my proposition.

“I’m listening.” Allie blankly states.

“I got a call from Lindsey.” I say, taking a deep breath before hand, a bit nervous to tell her about it.

“As in Horan?”

“As in Horan.”

“Why?” Allie asks, completely thrown for a loop.

I play the voicemail for her, letting her listen to it to be confused for herself. I play it twice, watching Allie’s face contort as Lindsey says different things. 

“I’ve never heard her like this before.” Allie says, totally thrown for a loop.

“What do I do?” I ask her.

“Well. She very clearly wants to talk to you. I think you should call her. At the very least text.” Allie advises me.

“It’s yours.” I say, the smuggest grin on my face.

Allie hits me with a throw pillow when she realizes the trap she’s fallen into. After that, she almost immediately puts in the Call of Duty cartridge, starting to download the game. I giggle at her, finding it funny. 

“Hey Allie?”

“Mm?” Is the best I get, not even looking up from her game.

“I’m going to step out to call Lindsey. Will you let me back in?” I ask, gesturing to the front door.

“Mmmhmmm.” Allie says, still playing her game intensely.

I take a deep breath, walking outside. I open my phone, pulling up Lindsey’s number. I’m sure it would be easier to just press dial and call, but I just stand there, waiting for someone to tell me to press dial. Eventually, I summon the courage to do so, holding the phone to my ear and just waiting for her to pick up. 

“Hello?” Lindsey almost asks.

“Um, hi.” I say, hoping that Lindsey starts the conversation.

“I wanted to talk to you about something.” Lindsey says, not clueing me in on what that might be.

“Okay.” I say, bouncing up onto the balls of my feet. 

“I think that you’re in New York right now, and I know that I’m in Portland, but um. Well, I want to go to dinner with you.” Lindsey says.

“Yea, we can get Chipotle or something again. Maybe next camp?” I ask.

“Um. I was thinking more like a- um. Like a date?” She asks nervously.

“Oh.” 

“You don’t have to say yes. I-I’m sorry I asked.” Lindsey says, her voice sounding hurt.

“Wait no. That’s not what I meant. I want to go on a date with you, I was just surprised. I’ll actually be in Portland in about a week, maybe then?” I ask.

“I would really like that. Do you want to let me know when you get in town and I can send you details?” Lindsey asks, sounding so relieved.

“I’ll do that.” I reply, feeling so at odds with myself.

“Great. I’m so excited. Well, I um, I’ll call you. Have a goodnight!” Lindsey says, hanging up the phone.

Hanging up the phone feels so odd. My stomach feels tingly, and both my mind and heart are racing. It feels odd, being asked on a date by Lindsey on the same night that my Mom’s are getting engaged. I mull it over, thinking about what might be an appropriate timeline to tell them. I don’t want to tell them tomorrow and steal their moment, but I also don’t want to wait too long and have them angry at me for supposedly hiding it from them. My mind wanders all over the place, to Portland and back. I can’t even imagine what Allie is going to say.

I didn’t tell Allie about Hope and Carli’s engagement out of respect for them. They get to tell people on their own timeline. I am going to tell Allie about what just happened with Allie though, which just might be enough to get her to look up from her game. I knock at the door, waiting for her to let me in, and when she finally does, I break the news.

“Lindsey asked me on a date.” I say, right as she opens the door.

Allie’s so surprised that she literally drops her brand new switch, but I manage to catch it on the laces part of my foot. It actually takes more control to not juggle it like a soccer ball than it did to catch it.

“She didn’t.” Is all she says, letting me bring her switch up to my hands.

“I said yes.”

“You did?” She asks, not judging, not surprised, just confirming. 

I nod, offering absolutely no explanations. Allie gets the biggest smile on her face, and looks so excited that I wouldn’t be shocked if she started jumping up and down.

“Pookie! Tell me everything!” She demands, dragging me to the couch, her new gaming console completely forgotten.

“What is there to tell? She asked me out and I said yes.” I giggle.

“Well, she lives in Portland and you live in New York. So are you waiting until the next camp? Wait. Oh my god, is she going to fly out to see you?” Allie says, letting her mind run away with her thoughts.

“I’m actually leaving on a trip in a few days. I’ll stop in Portland, so we’ll go on a date then.” I explain.

“Hang on, we’ll talk about this trip in a minute. Did you like Lindsey before she called you?” Allie asks, trying to organize her questions.

I nod sheepishly, blushing as I do so.

“Don’t be embarrassed. I think I only have one more question about this Lindsey thing before I ask about the trip. Okay?” She asks, earning a nod from me.

“What are you going to do about the fact that she lives in Portland?” She asks seriously.

“Well, I think we’ll figure it out. I mean, I guess it’ll either work itself out or it won’t.” I say, getting a little sad in the process.

“You deserve something good. Maybe Lindsey is it.” Allie says, a single hand on my knee.

“Now what is this about a trip?” She asks, an eyebrow raised with a matching smirk.

“I’m going to see everyone who’s going to be a witness at my trial.” I deadpan.

This earns a glare from Allie, but I hold my ground.

“And why are you doing that?” She asks.

“I want to thank them.” I say quietly.

Allie’s voice says nothing, but her eyes say “we already talked about this, and decided that you don’t owe anyone anything.” 

“Fine. At least explain the logistics of the trip.” She says, throwing up her hands in surrender.

“I’m just going to take a road trip by myself. I’ll head to Florida first for Ali and Ashlyn and then Chicago for Naeher, and also to look at apartments for my Red Stars season, and then finally Portland. I’ll go see Tobin and Christen and then, you know.” I say, blushing at the last part.

“Tierna.” Allie says, her head tilted forward, both eyebrows up.

“Did your therapist okay this trip?” She asks.

“Well. She doesn’t exactly know about it.” I reply honestly.

“This doesn’t sound healthy. Why aren’t you at least taking Hope and Carli?” Allie asks.

“It’s not Hope and Carli’s burden to bear.” I whisper.

“Okay, repeat after me.” Allie says.

“It’s not.”

“It’s not.”

“My.”

“My.”

“Burden.”

“Burden.”

“To bear.”

“To bear.”

“I’m still going.” I say, after a minute of silence.

“Promise me you’ll be safe?” Allie asks.

“Safe how?” I ask, genuinely confused.

“Don’t waste all your money on stupid gifts for the five of them, don’t stay in scary hotels, and if it’s too much to handle, call someone to bail you out.” Allie explains.

“I got a sponsorship.” I whisper, slightly embarrassed for no reason that I can think of.

“Pookie! Who?” Allie says, smacking my knee, upset to not already know this.

“Nike.” I admit.

“Okay, still. Don’t stay in scary hotels, and if you feel too overwhelmed, or too sad, call someone to come and get you. You can always call me, you know that?” Allie says, still not endorsing the trip.

I giggle, nodding at her. Allie and I spend the rest of the night goofing off. We primarily play Call of Duty, but we also take breaks to sing at the very top of our lungs to songs we’re embarrassed to admit that we know the words to. Eventually she hands me a pillow and a blanket, letting me sprawl out on the couch. I spend a few minutes thinking about how lucky I am. I’m lucky to have a friend like Allie, to have Mom’s who love each other enough to get engaged, lucky to be playing soccer at the very highest level and lucky to get a date with a girl like Lindsey. 

The morning comes quickly. Allie’s dogs wake me up early, all needing to be let outside. Allie’s tripping over her own feet trying to get out of her own bedroom to get them out the door. I’m half asleep myself, but I put the leash on one, at least helping Allie out a little bit. She nods me a quick thank you, her disheveled hair moving more than her actual head. After we get back inside, I stay for toaster waffles and a glass of water before insisting that I need to get home to Hope and Carli. Allie thanks me profusely for the Nintendo switch, insisting on at least letting me borrow it sometimes. I disagree all the way out to my car.

I drive back to Carli’s, parking in the driveway. I’m greeted by Harley, meaning Hope and Carli are up, or at least one of them is anyways. 

“I love your Mom so much.” Hope says, causing me to jump.

“I didn’t see you there. Did you have a good night?” I say, practically jumping out of my own skin when I see Hope.

She nods sleepily.

“Wanna tell me about it?” I ask, a grin on my face.

“I mean, you heard your Mom’s whole side of the story.” Hope says, laying down on the couch.

“Tell me yours.” I say, pulling up a chair from the kitchen table, sitting on it backwards.

“Well, you saw what a wreck I was before we even left. But let me tell you, I knew a long time ago that it was your Mom. In fact, I think the first time I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with your Mom, we were at the grocery store. We were just picking up soy milk, and I looked at her, and somehow I just knew that I wouldn’t ever want to pick up soy milk with anyone else. Anyways, we left for dinner, and I’m so nervous, I felt like I was going to throw up. What made it so great, was that your Mom had no clue. She had no idea that I had a ring in my pocket all the way until it was on her finger. But so we’re eating the ridiculous amount of soups, salads, appetizers, I mean, you name it and I ordered it. And all of the sudden, it finally sinks in that by the end of the night, I’m either going to be engaged, or heartbroken. So for some apparent reason, that helps me regain my ability to talk, and things go a bit smoother, but I still don’t have the ability to just ask her to marry me. Sure enough I’m trying to plan a moment before we get home, and then I’m thinking about you, and I remembered Carli singing to you while you were sick. So I paid the bill, and I brought her out to the parking lot, just pretending that it was time to go home. I pulled the whole ‘shoe is untied’ thing, and turned on I Only Have Eyes For You by the Flamingos. The funny part is that she still thinks that I’m just being me, but in reality I know that once the song ends and I go to pick up my jacket and phone, I’m not getting back up from off of one knee until there’s a ring on her finger. She cried. When she saw the ring she cried. I cried too. Mostly out of relief that at one point or another, she also got to have a moment where she knew that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. It’s a moment you’ll hold onto for the rest of your life. You’ll have one, one day Kid.” Hope rambles, still a little tired.

“I wish I could extend the range of human emotion, just to be happier for the two of you.” I honestly say. 

“Think you’re a little old for flower girl, huh?” Hope jokes.

“Maybe a little. Now why don’t you go take a nap with Mom. You seem tired.” I recommend.

“Good idea.” Hope says, wrapping the couch blanket around herself just for the walk up the stairs.

Needless to say it’s a quiet morning at the house, but a very happy day. I leave for a while, getting a book from the library before taking Harley for a jog. After I shower, they’re still not awake, so I peak my head into their cracked bedroom door, finding that they’re curled up together, asleep. Two people couldn’t possibly be more in love than they are, right now, in this very moment.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ideas? Predictions? Things you just want to tell me?

I put the last bag in the trunk of my car, being watched hesitantly by Carli, Hope, and even Harley. None of them are happy that I’m leaving. Even I’m not happy to be leaving, but this trip just feels like something that has to be done, and something that has to be done alone. Hope and Carli keep me in a hug for at least five minutes, letting me know just how much they’ll miss me. They each have a plethora of instructions for me. Don’t drive too fast, don’t stay away for too long, call before I go to sleep tonight. I repeat “Yes Mom,” every time one of Carli’s concerns is expressed. They follow me all the way to my car, talking to me through my rolled down window. Just once they think they’ve said their final goodbyes, I drop some unexpected news.

“Lindsey asked me out and I said yes.” I blurt out.

“Horan?” Carli asks, her face all the way contorted.

“Yep! Gotta go! Love you!” I say, putting my car in reverse.

“Did she just say that she’s going on a date with Lindsey Horan?” Hope asks, looking at my car drive away.

“I think so.” Carli says, kicking the dirt, not in an angry way, just weirded out.

I drive my car to the airport, realizing that I’ve basically just told my Mom’s about my date without giving them any details. I’ll call them the minute I land, to explain more. So I get on my plane, not being able to sleep for any of it. Once I’m on the ground I take a cab to my hotel, procrastinating before calling my Mom’s. The phone call with Hope and Carli does about as planned. There are even more questions than I had planned on answering, but I really want to put both of their minds at ease. I can tell that Carli is whispering things to Hope, and Hope has already insisted on ‘talking’ to Lindsey, which is really Hope for ‘interrogating’ her. As much as I don’t want them to do that, it feels good knowing that they care about me enough to want to interrogate Lindsey.

Hanging up the phone feels like a relief in terms of answering questions about Lindsey, but it's the first time I realize I’ve been completely alone since I’ve met Carli. Hotel rooms aren’t very big, but goddamn they feel lonely when you’re the only one in them. I shower, get ready for bed, read a little bit of a book, and even ice a bruise I got from training with Hope yesterday. However, even after all of that, I’m sitting on top of my bed, feeling lonely. I try turning on the TV, listening to music, and even just laying down, but none of those things make me feel any better. Nevertheless, I go to sleep, wishing Carli and Hope were just across the hall.

By midday the next day, I’m in Florida, telling a cab driver to take me to Ali and Ashlyn’s house. I take a deep breath, grab the two gifts I have picked out for the two, and head to knock on their front door. Logan jumps on the front door, her big nose fogging up the window. Ali opens the door, gesturing for me to come in. I feel a sense of panic set in, but I swallow the lump in my throat, following her to her couch. Ashlyn is letting Storm in, coming to sit down with us on the couch. 

“Hey Davidson. How are you?” Ashlyn asks, petting Storm who’s on her lap.

“I-I’m alright.” I stumble to say, struggling to make eye contact.

“Are you going to tell us why you’re here in the sunshine state?” Ali asks.

“Well um. I didn’t feel right just calling you to thank you for agreeing to thank you for agreeing to be witnesses at my court preceding, so I’m here to thank you in person. You’re supporting me on what I’m assuming is going to be the second worst day of my life, and I’m so thankful for that.” I say, trying to gather the courage for the next part.

“After the horrible mistake I made where I assumed that you, Carli, and Hope were dating at Disney World? How about I just do this for you, and we can call it even.” Ashlyn says, trying to lighten the mood.

“I-I got you both something as a thank you.” I say, handing them each the gift I picked out for them.

Ali opens the box I gave her, her face contorting, not entirely sure what I’ve given her.

“Carli told me you tried surfing lessons and liked it, so I got you a few more lessons.” I explain, looking over at Ashlyn, waiting for her to unwrap hers.

“I owe you a thank you for the thank you that you got my wife.” Ashlyn jokes.

“Hey! I’m a decent surfer!” Ali fires back, hitting Ashlyn playfully with a throw pillow.

Ashlyn gives her a look, questioning her surfing ability, while simultaneously starting to tear at the paper. When she sees that I’ve gotten her a fashion show of her own, her jaw practically hits the floor. 

“So I made a mistake when I put all of that together. I rented out the runway, and I hired a seamstress for you to work with, but I forgot to hire a model for the night. So when you’re talking with the seamstress about executing your designs, make sure that you have a model in mind, so probably either you or Ali. Sorry.” I say, feeling bad that I forgot about that detail.

“Are you kidding me? This is the best gift I’ve ever gotten!” Ashlyn says, looking at the pictures of the venue I rented out.

“This is going to be the coolest thing I have ever done, and I’ve won a world cup!” Ashlyn excitedly says, her hands in the air.

“I’m glad you like it.” I reply, a sigh of relief following my words.

My anxiety heightens when I realize that I can’t just leave now. I’m stuck at Ali and Ashlyn’s, just hanging out. They’re wonderful to me, they offer me snacks, drinks, and anything else I could possibly want, but I just feel so awkward around them. I want nothing more than to just call Hope and Carli, but unfortunately, my stubbornness outranks my common sense. 

When Ashlyn learns that I’ve never seen the movie Jaws, it’s on the TV within minutes. Ali finds the whole ordeal comical, and insists on getting up to make the three of us popcorn for the day. Even though Ali and Ashlyn are as nice as they could possibly be to me, at the end of the day, I just don’t feel safe with them yet. That’s when I get an idea. When the movie ends, I make an excuse to step out, promising that I’ll only be a minute. Ali and Ashlyn are both agreeable, but they ask if I’d like to go out to dinner with them afterwards. I can’t think of a single reason as to why I shouldn’t, other than the feeling of panic and loneliness, but I say yes anyways.

Once I’m alone, I pull out my phone, calling someone I hadn’t expected to call on this trip.

“Tierna? I hadn’t expected to hear from you.”

“Are you busy for the next week?” 

“Um. Nothing I can’t cancel I guess.” 

“If I bought you a plane ticket, could you meet me in Orlando?”

“Tierna, what’s wrong?”

“I just decided to go on a trip without Hope and Carli to see all of the people that agreed to be witnesses at my court preceding. I don’t want to call Hope or Carli, but I don't want to be alone. If I bought you a plane ticket to fly out of Portland tomorrow morning, would you meet me in Orlando?” I ask her, crossing my fingers hoping for a yes.

“Don’t buy the tickets yet, I need to make a few calls first to be sure that I can do that, but I think I should be able to. I’m going to guess that you’re with Ali and Ashlyn right now?” 

“Yea.” I nod.

“Okay. Do you want me to text them? I’ll text you the second I know whether or not you can buy the ticket for the morning, okay?”

“You don’t have to text them. I’ll be at dinner with them until I go check into my hotel. Just let me know. A-and thank you.” 

“Don’t worry about it Rookie.” She says.

I head back inside, meeting Ashlyn and Ali who are getting ready to leave. Ali asks if everything’s alright, and I nod, feeling hopeful. As of tomorrow, I might not be alone on this trip, which would be really, really nice. Nevertheless, I’m pulled out of my thoughts by Ashlyn asking if I got a chance to hear the Florida radio stations on the ride over. When I tell her I haven’t, she pretty much immediately loads Ali and I into the car, turning on her favorite radio station and driving us to one of Ali’s favorite restaurants.

Dinner is uncomfortable, to say the least. Ali and Ashlyn each make it clear that they’d like to be a bigger part of my life. Well, Ali says she’d like to be a bigger part of my life, and Ashlyn nods with her, blindly agreeing. I agree, but I have no idea how to follow through on it. The three of us eat our meals, making small talk that Ali has to usher Ashlyn and I through with how awkward we are. When the bill comes, they try to reach for it, but I insist on at least paying my part of it. The two reluctantly agree and let me pay a third of it, but are clearly unhappy about it. We part ways in the parking lot, two hugs taking place before Ashlyn insists that I come to the fashion show I’ve gifted her. 

I take an Uber to my hotel, checking my phone, feeling relieved that I have the go ahead to buy a plane ticket. I have a good cry before I call Hope and Carli, just needing to purge the stress of the day. Carli and Hope both tell me that they miss me, and that they’re excited to see me in Chicago in a few days. They tell me that they love me, and I tell them the same, asking them to love Harley a little extra for me. I shower before I get into bed, and I feel a hell of a lot better going to sleep knowing that tomorrow morning, I won’t be alone on this trip anymore.

I’m up at dawn, getting everything in order to head to the airport. I booked a flight to Chicago for the two of us so that when she gets off of the flight, she’ll get right onto another one, just like a connection flight. I find myself waiting at her gate, just hoping that her flight was alright. All the sudden she walks towards the baggage claim, sleeves rolled up, and her hair down. 

“Becky.” I say, running to meet her.

She throws her arms around me, clearly half asleep from the flight. 

“Hey Rookie. I need some coffee.” Sauerbrunn says, her eyes scanning for a Starbucks.

Becky and I grab our suitcases, going through airport security once again, only after I promise Becky a coffee once we get to the gates. She and I reluctantly go through the motions, gearing up to get on a flight from Orlando to Chicago. She leads me to a coffee stand, insisting that I don’t just give her my credit card, but instead wait in line with her. When we get up to the front of the line, Becky recites her coffee order, but then looks at me.

“Um, and she’ll have a….?” Becky waits for me to fill in the blank, but I don’t know what to say.

“Hot chocolate. She’ll have a hot chocolate.” Becky says, taking a quick guess as to what I might like.

I smirk at Becky, knowing that she didn’t have to do that, before handing the barista my card. We wait for our drinks, before realizing that we pretty much have to race to get on our plane. Becky and I both run pretty fast, but at ten o’clock in the morning, running to catch a plane seems almost impossible. However, we do manage to get on our plane, Sauerbrunn falling asleep on me before we’re even off of the ground.

When we land in Chicago, Sauerbrunn is once again not happy to be awake and in an airport. She lets me drag her through baggage claim, and out to get a taxi to our hotel. We check in, largely just to drop off our bags, before going out to see the city. We spend hours just walking Michigan Avenue, getting food and taking pictures of things that don’t happen in Portland and the suburbs of New York.

I’m procrastinating on going to see Alyssa in her uptown apartment. Even Becky knows this, but she doesn’t say anything about it. Tomorrow, Carli and Hope will be in town to help me look for an apartment for my Red Stars season, meaning that I really do need to go see Alyssa tonight. Becky and I start walking towards Alyssa’s apartment, but once I get to the lobby, I call Becky an Uber to the hotel. She and I both know that I have to do this part of the trip alone.

I press the button for Alyssa’s apartment, stepping into the elevator when she buzzes me in. I shift back and forth on the balls of my feet out of nerves, just trying to find a way to comfort myself. I open my backpack to find the gift that I got for Alyssa. It’s tangibly the smallest, but hopefully something she’ll like just as much. I step off of the elevator and walk down the hall to her door, knocking once I get there.

“Davidson! How’s my tie-for-favorite Red Star doing?” Alyssa asks.

“Tie? With who? And is it Julie or Casey that’s your second favorite Red Star?” I ask, giggling all the way.

“I love Julie, really I do, but she won’t leave me alone about my love life, so therefore it’s you and Casey by default. Brian is just too peppy and straight for me.” Alyssa replies.

The more time I spend with her, the more I understand why people call her “Uncle.” However, we quickly find ourselves just standing in her doorway, in an awkward silence that reminds me why I’m here in the first place, to thank her for getting punched in the face in Canada.

“This is really hard to say.” I start, knowing that with Alyssa, things are a lot different than with anyone else.

“Take your time, it’s a-alright.” Alyssa replies, her voice cracking with discomfort.

“You got physically assaulted because of me, and now you’re agreeing to talk about it in another country, in front of a judge and jury, just to help me out. That’s not only selfless, but brave, and kind. And I’m not going to say a whole lot more than thank you, at least not until we get closer to the trial, but I needed to come here to thank you in person and to give you these.” I say, handing her the small wrapped gift.

“They’re season tickets.”

“You’ll have to be the Cubs good luck charm this year.”

Alyssa doesn’t quite know what to say. She’s reminding me of, well, me. We spend a little bit of time catching up, mostly on different things we’ve heard about the Red Stars. Hearing Alyssa tell me that Ertz has put some pressure on her to ask Sauerbrunn on a date, makes me question as to whether or not I should tell her that Becky is only a few blocks away. I decide on telling her, but she ends up having a get out of jail free card in a call with her twin. I take that as an excuse to leave, heading back to the hotel to check on Becky.

I fidget with my key card before I use it to unlock the door, finding Becky curled up with a book.

“How did it go Rookie?”

“It was okay. She talked about you a little bit.” I disclose, wanting to see what she says in response.

“What? Wait what did she say?” Becky stumbles to question, clearly at least a little interested.

“Well. I think, that Alyssa is really into someone who could easily ask her on a date, but is too nervous to ask that person out herself.” Hinting to Sauerbrunn what she already knows that she should be doing.

“Do either Hope or Carli know that I’m here with you right now?” Sauerbrunn fires back, a single eyebrow raised.

I just lower my head, knowing that I’m way too stubborn to tell either of them that I needed help and didn’t call them.

“I’m going to assume you want it to stay that way?”

I nod, my head still lowered.

“Maybe I’ll ask Alyssa to do something with me while you’re out with your Mom’s tomorrow.”

“You’re not going to tell them that you’re here?” I clarify, feeling a wave of relief.

Becky doesn’t say anything, she just smirks at me and looks back at her book. I chuckle at my co-captains odd antics, and think of a last minute question.

“Sauerbrunn?”

“Mm?”

“Do you want help picking an outfit? For if you go out with Naeher?” I ask, completely serious.

This time it’s Becky who blushes, but lets me help her pick out something to wear for a casual day in the city. When she feels comfortable with it, I head to take a shower, getting ready for the end of the night. When I crawl into bed, Becky gets up to turn off the lights, bidding me goodnight. 

Only halfway through the night, I’m tossing and turning through a nightmare, unable to wake up. Becky, having been coached on how to handle this by Carli, is letting me stay asleep, but whispering affirmations and rubbing my back. This time, Becky’s able to lull me back to sleep without having to wake me up. Becky especially feels thankful for this, knowing that now, in the morning, we won’t have to have any conversations about this.

In the morning, when I do find myself awake, I’m scuffling to get ready to pick up my Mom’s from the airport. I get in my uber with my folder full of handouts for the apartments we’ll be seeing today, knowing that each of them are going to need their own. I sit at baggage claim, waiting to see Hope’s ponytail swing, or Carli’s captain voice come into play. Eventually, both Hope and Carli walk out, both seeming half asleep. I completely disregard this fact, practically tackling them in haste for a hug.

“I missed you.” I whisper, arms around both of them.

“We missed you too.” Is heard simultaneously from both of them.

An Uber is called and I spend the car ride sandwiched between Hope and Carli, feeling so thankful to be around them again. We stop at the hotel that Hope and Carli are staying at first, as they inform me that they’ve decided to stay even after I leave, taking their own little vacation. With my head laid on Hope’s shoulder, I really wish that we were in the car on our way home instead of this scenario. However, we head to their hotel to check them in and drop off their things. 

Once Hope and Carli have settled in, we immediately get in an Uber to meet my realtor at the first apartment. When we get there, Hope is pretending to the host of House Hunters since we're only going to see three places. Carli pretends to hate it, but she sneaks kisses from her when she thinks I’m not looking. 

The first apartment is forty five minutes from the stadium, but the perfect size and price, meaning that I might have to sacrifice those forty five minutes of sleep if the other two places don’t pan out. Carli likes the second place, which is split perfectly between the city and the stadium. It’s got one bedroom, one bathroom, and a joint living room and kitchen, which is absolutely fine for my first apartment. Hope clings to the idea of the third apartment- solely because it has an eighties themed wallpaper in the bathroom that Carli abhors. 

It turns out that renting an apartment ahead of a season is actually a really hard thing to do, mostly because no one wants to let you sign a lease when you won’t be moving in for months. However, despite that, the second apartment pulls through, and with the money from my Nike sponsorship, I officially become an adult with a place to live. Well, at least as of February. Choosing that one was a brainless decision. It was close to both work and the city, and it worked with my schedule. Really, it doesn’t have to be all that wonderful, because I only have to live there when I'm with the Red Stars and not the national team, and luckily for me, that’s not very often.

Carli insists on celebrating with dinner in the city, which results in another long car ride with the three of us smushed together in the backseat of a stranger’s car. We end up at a tiny restaurant that Alyssa recommended yesterday before I left. While we wait for a table, I spend my time hoping that today went alright for the center back and the keeper. 

Right after we sit down, Hope orders us each a water, which is something we’re all used to her doing. Carli radiates confidence, there’s no doubt about that, but Hope is the one that kills the spiders in the relationship. She likes to take care of people, whether that’s ordering her future wife and whatever-I’ve-turned-out-to-be-to-her waters, or saving stray shots from reaching the back of the net for her team. 

“We’ve been worried about you, alone, on this trip. How have you been Kid?”

“It’s been alright! I only have one more stop left on the trip and then I’m coming home.”

“You mean the stop where you also have a date?” Carli chimes in, stealing a bite of Hope’s salad.

I blush even though I knew that this would come up. I do my best to explain everything I can with what little information I have, despite not even having been on one date with the girl. Throughout dinner, Carli seems to be more protective over me than Hope does, although Hope is no doubt in second place, just barely trailing behind. Neither of them have complaints about Lindsey yet, they’re just not fond of knowing that she’s taking me out on a date.

Once dinner is over, I ride with them back to their hotel, happy to be able to complete the goodnight routine complete with real hugs and forehead kisses. I make a promise that I’ll come see them to say goodbye before I fly to Portland tomorrow, almost accidentally letting it slip that Becky’s with me. They tell me to be safe, yet again listing off guidelines I listened to before I left. I hug them goodbye one last time before walking back to my own hotel, anxious to hear what Becky’s day has been like. -

I had assumed that Becky would be back in our shared hotel room by six fifteen, but when I open the door, she’s not. I check my phone to find a text that asks if it’s alright if she stays at Alyssa’s apartment tonight, to which I quickly respond yes, rolling my eyes before celebrating. I think everyone besides Becky and Alyssa knew that Becky and Alyssa would be getting together at some point.

I pack up my things for the morning and take a shower, changing into pajama pants. I pack up Becky’s things to the best of my abilities, knowing that she can fix it tomorrow morning before we leave if I did it wrong. Feeling lonely again, I repack my backpack, only including the essentials, and walk back to Carli and Hope’s hotel. I knock on the door, hoping that one of them is still awake to answer it.

“Tierna? What’s wrong?” Carli questions, her eyebrows knit together in concern.

“I just thought I’d spend the night here before I left tomorrow. But I can leave. I wasn’t thinking really. Sorry Mom.” I say, turning to go.

“You’re joking if you think I’m letting you go anywhere at this hour. I wouldn’t have let you come here at this hour! Tierna get in here!” Carli chastises.

“I’m sorry.” I gush, a round of tears making their way to my eyes.

“No, don’t cry my love. I just want you to be safe. Walking around at midnight, alone, isn’t safe. I love you too much to let anything happen to you. Okay?” Carli asks, waiting for a reply.

“Okay.” I croak, nodding into her shoulder.

Once I’ve calmed down, I offer to call down to the lobby to ask for a pullout bed, but to my surprise, Carli just asks me to get in hers with Hope. I offer again, truly not wanting to take up too much space in their bed, before I realize that Carli wants me to sleep in her bed. She and Hope have both seemed anxious on our phone calls, but it’s always seemed manageable. I crawl into bed for one Mom, hoping that I don’t inconvenience the other. Hope has slept through this entire event, snoring ever so slightly. 

Needless to say she’s a little shocked when she wakes up in the morning. For a split moment she’s ready to light the whole world on fire because she thinks that something bad has happened to me, but once she knows that I’m just here because I want to be, she lays back down and nuzzles into me. She’s not happy when I announce that I need to head back to my own hotel, but they each wake up enough to tell me that they love me and that they’ll see me at home in a couple of days. 

Becky is already there once I get back to the hotel, too embarrassed by her own night to even ask where I've been. Chances are she knows. We each make a quick work of getting our things together before checking out downstairs. It’s not until we’re outside on the curb waiting for an Uber that the silence is broken.

“So Naeher?”

“So Horan?”

“Touché.”

Becky narrows her eyes, which is the Becky equivalent of a hair tussle. Our ride pulls up before she has a chance to say anything whittier.

We’re in Portland by six, which is nice, because it gives us enough time to go to Becky’s apartment before we venture out for food. I send Lindsey the promised text, letting her know that I’ll be in Portland for the next two days. Feeling too nervous to think about what to say should she respond, I put my phone in my backpack and head to Chipotle with Becky. We just pick up the food, bringing it back to Becky’s apartment. She gets me set up on her couch, insisting that I sleep there instead of in a hotel tonight. 

I realize that out of all of the people I’ve gotten gifts, I’ve missed out on one of the most important ones. I open my laptop, buy the first gift that comes to mind, and then tell Becky that I’m headed to CVS to pick up allergy medicine for my allergies to her cats. She’s suspicious but she doesn’t say anything. Really what I do is take an Uber to the closest Staples, to print off an order confirmation of a book of the month club that I just got Becky a subscription to. 

By the time I’m back, she’s in pajamas, talking to her cats in a way that concerns me. If anyone could take over the world, It’s Becky Sauerbrunno and an army of cats. 

I change into pajamas and fall asleep to a movie on TV that I just watched with Hope not too long ago.

I woke up to find that Lindsey texted me the details of tonight’s date, which means that I need to go see Tobin and Christen this morning before it gets too late in the day. I considered just leaving Becky’s gift on her counter for her to find after we say goodbye, but decide against it since I’ll be back before my date with Horan. Instead, I tell Becky that I’m leaving to go see the couple, and that I’ll be back in a few hours to get ready for my date. Becky says nothing, but smiles suggestively at me.

I climb into the back of an Uber, giving them the address of the winger. It’s a repeat of what happened with Ali and Ashlyn. I stand out in front of their house, trying to take a deep breath, before I even push the button for them to buzz me in. Once they do, I get in the elevator riding up to their floor.

“Tobin, Christen!”

“Tierna!” Christen says with a smile.

Tobin just grins goofily at me from the corner.

We make small talk while Christen gives me a tour of their apartment. Eventually circling back to the couch, I sit down, petting their dog Morena who’s smelling the packages on my lap. They sit down, gesturing for me to follow, which leads me to the part of the visit where I tell them why I’m here.

“You each played a vital role in helping me out in Canada, and now, on top of that, you’ve both agreed to be witnesses at my court preceding, which is something you’re choosing to do. There’s no words, actions, or amount of money that can express how grateful I am for that, but I wanted to come here to tell you that in person, and to give you these.” I say, handing them each a box.

Tobin opens up a set of charcoal pencils that she was “too poor for” at our last national team camp, abandoning her usually chill persona to get excited about her new art supplies.

Christen finds a yoga class schedule that I’ve reserved her a place in, along with the nicest yoga mat I could find. She and Tobin are making the exact same fact, their jaws proving gravity, but their eyebrows testing it.

“Tierna, this is too much. We’re happy to help you.” Christen says, walking over to me with open arms.

“I wanted to give you something that could make you happy. It’s a gift of gratitude.” I explain, accepting her hug.

“Dude, these are the best pencils on the market, they must have cost you a fortune.” Tobin backpedals.

“Don’t worry about it. I signed with Nike.” I admit, shuffling my feet.

“Tierna! That’s amazing! Let us take you out to lunch to celebrate!” Christen gushes.

Lunch just proves to me how different Hope and Carli are from any other couple in women’s soccer. Tobin and Christen are just so happy and positive. Not that Hope and Carli aren’t, but as captains, they’re a bit less bubbly and quiet than the two I find myself having sandwiches with. We reminisce about Mexico and our camp lunches and dinners. I make a joke that it must be the first time that the three of us have been somewhere and not eaten burritos. Christen laughs, but Tobin starts thinking, trying to calculate whether or not I’m right. 

We bid each other a quick goodbye in the parking lot. Christen wishes me safe travels, and Tobin’s a bit aloof. They leave as I call an Uber to take me back to Becky’s to get ready for my night with Lindsey. 

By the time I’m at Becky’s, my nerves have set in. Lindsey won’t even be at Becky’s for another two hours to pick me up, and I’m already nervous. Becky senses this and quickly reminds me to get dressed, offering me her bathroom to get ready if I'd like it. 

Based on the November weather in Portland, along with the date that Lindsey outlined for me, I put on my nicest jeans and a sweater, asking Becky what she thinks before I even touch my hair. She approves of the outfit, but once she starts watching me try to put my hair into a bun, she steps in, asking for my permission to do my hair. I readily agree, secretly hoping she’ll do my makeup too. She doesn’t go overboard, just a simple bun and light mascara with a little bit of blush. Becky asks to take a picture to send to Hope and Carli, but is met with the glare that she, herself is proud of.

I’m finishing up tying my shoes when Becky gets a request! for someone trying to be buzzed in. I’m so nervous that I can’t even figure out how to tie my left shoe properly. 

There’s a knock at the door. I look at Becky, who looks at my, nodding in encouragement. I open the door to see her standing there.

“Tierna.”


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are we feeling about Lindsey? Good, bad, somewhere in the middle? Let me know what you think!

“Uh, wow. You look… Um. Here, these are for you.” Lindsey says, thrusting a giant bouquet of flowers towards me.

“Thank you. Y-you look pretty too.”

“Thanks.”

There’s a lull, an awkward one. This time it’s not Lindsey or I who steps up and says something to fill the silence, it’s Becky.

“How about I put these in water.” Becky says, interrupting the silence. “You two go on and get out of here. Horan you better bring her back before midnight.” Sauerbrunn warns, starring Lindsey down for good measure. 

“I will! I promise!” 

With that, we’re off. Lindsey leads me down the stairs and out to her car. She opens the passenger seat door for me, closing it once I’m inside. I try to get rid of the blush on my face by the time that she gets in the driver's seat. She buckles her seatbelt and turns on the engine, but takes a minute to do nothing other than look at me before she puts the car in reverse. It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt butterflies, but right now they’re running rampant inside of my chest.

Once Lindsey parks the car, she practically jumps out of the car, racing around to the other side, just to be sure that she’s the one who opens my door for me. Once again blushing, I climb out of the car, and let her close and lock the doors. Lindsey never really sent ‘details’ per se, just a date and a time, and an agreed location of where she could pick me up. So when I realize just where we are, my heart sinks to my stomach, nervous as anything about what might be ahead of me.

“Lindsey?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve never been ice skating before.”

Lindsey looks at me with complete disbelief that I’ve never been ice skating, but when my face doesn’t change, hers softens.

“I’m not going to let you fall.” She promises, her eyes about as sincere as it gets.

It’s a gesture so sweet, that I don’t dare tell her that I wasn’t talking about my fear of falling, but rather the fact that I’m from California, and she wants to take me into a building full of ice. Even with this being the case, I follow her inside, letting her lead the way. She gets us each a pair of rental ice skates, jokingly telling me that next time we can opt for the hockey skates. Lindsey’s nerves have worn off, and with them, her awkwardness. She laces up her skates before standing up in front of me, offering me her hand to help me walk towards the ice.

Holding Lindsey’s hand is nerve wracking, especially considering how much of a hard time I’m having with walking. As a soccer player, I figured that I’d have good enough balance for this to only take a medium amount of effort. Believe it or not, when you put your center of gravity on two spikes in the middle of your feet, walking gets a lot harder. So I grasp Horan’s hand, doing everything I can to stay on my feet. Lindsey is doing everything she can to not laugh at me, instead giving me a goofy smile that conveys nothing but pure, unadulterated joy. 

When we get onto the ice, I’m essentially destined to fail. Skating is hard, I’m freezing, and I have absolutely no idea what to say to Lindsey, who I’m developing a bigger crush for by the minute. Lindsey is trying to coach me through the baby steps I’m taking on the ice, letting me hold the wall with one hand and her hand with the other. I look at her, not sure whether to ask for help, or to laugh. She senses my helplessness and immediately starts trying to teach me how to skate. She lets me hang onto the side while she effortlessly shows me the motions, encouraging me to try them for myself.

I’m trying my best at skating, really I am, but the shivering makes it really hard to keep my center of balance. I take a step off of the wall, but with my arms wrapped around myself for warmth, it’s pretty hard to really replicate what Lindsey was showing me. Lindsey herself skates over, taking off her jacket in the process.

“Is this okay?” she asks, holding her jacket up, ready to put it on me, just wanting consent to do so before she does.

I quickly nod, letting her wrap me up in her oversized coat. Now she has me step away from the wall, trying out skating for myself. My movements aren’t exactly fluid, and they’re smaller than Lindsey’s were, but I don’t fall, so I count it as a win. Lindsey follows closely by me, making sure that if I do fall, she’s ready to catch me. She gets the chance to do so too. I hit a bump in the ice and stumble, but Lindsey’s right behind me, catching me before I hit the ice. 

I do everything I can to not panic. The contact is new, and it’s not bad, it’s just new. So I take deep breaths, trying my best not to freak her out on the first date. I manage not to panic, hyperventilate, or shout at her. All that happens, is that I tense up in her arms before she steadies me on the ice again. Once I’m up and skating again, she takes me back to the wall, having us get off of the ice. 

We unlace our skates, replacing them with our original sneakers. Lindsey offers me her hand and leads me back to the car, opening the door for me before getting in on her side. She turns on the car again, flipping the radio station to the jazz station. She’s looking at me inquisitively, looking like she’s checking to see if I like it. 

“You like jazz?” I ask.

“Well, I know that you like it.”

“How did you find that out?” 

“I bribed Allie.” Lindsey admits. “Are you up for one more stop?” She asks.

I nod, finally easing into this. Lindsey asks if I’d like to get smoothies, and I nod again. She pulls into the drive through of a local coffee place that’s open late. I look at the menu, deciding on what I want while simultaneously getting out my wallet. Lindsey moves like she’s going to reach to hold my hand, but ends up flicking my wallet into the backseat. I’m more impressed by the amount of skill it took to pull it off than I am upset that she won’t let me pay for anything. Once she knows that I’m not going to move to grab it, she looks up at me, insisting on eye contact. 

“Do you trust me?” Lindsey asks, pulling up to order our smoothies.

“What?” I stutter out, not at all sure where this is going.

“Do you trust me?” 

I don’t do anything, which is apparently the right answer. 

“Two strawberry mango smoothies please.”

Lindsey was asking me if I trusted her to order for me, which is much less scary than any direction my head had taken that sentiment. Lindsey rolls the window halfway up again, along with turning up the music that she had turned down. I can’t help but feel a little bit flustered by her. She’s just so nice. It’s new, and it’s uncomfortable, but it’s not unwelcome.

The barista in the drive through thinks that Lindsey looks familiar, but instead of telling her who she really is, Lindsey says that she thinks they might use the same bank. She then looks at me and giggles, smoothies in hand. I take mine from her, a quick thank you accompanying it. With that, we’re off to wherever it is that we’re going.

Lindsey starts to tell me about her home in Colorado. She tells me about her parents and her brother Mike. She doesn’t even mention soccer, just her family, and the little time she spent doing things in high school that didn’t involve soccer. I cross my fingers, hoping that she doesn’t ask any questions about my childhood. Luckily, she asks less intimate questions, my favorite breakfast food, what type of weather I like, all the way to what I'd be doing if I wasn’t playing soccer. She’s shocked to learn that I’m a french toast kind of girl, a spring enthusiast, and that if I didn’t play soccer, I'd be in school getting a degree in secondary education. She only really fights me on the breakfast food question. She apparently takes avocado toast very seriously.

She parks the car by a park, once again sprinting around to open the door for me. Maybe when she takes me home, I’ll race her, just to see if I can be fast enough to beat her to it. This time however, she opens the door and closes it before leading me to a picnic table in the middle of a big open field. She sits on the opposite side of me, starting a conversation about what my plans are for the near future. Despite having her jacket on, I’m still a little cold, shivering while telling her about Hope’s soccer academy. She moves to my side of the picnic table, sitting down next to me, showing me her hand to ask for permission before rubbing my tricep, trying to warm me up. She’s been training with Sonnet, Tobin, and Christen, and has no plans of stopping anytime before the season starts. She shows me a video of her and Sonnet juggling back and forth, as Drake’s music blares in the background. 

“So you’re clearly not a jazz fan. I’m curious though, what else did you bribe Allie to tell you?” I inquire, knowing that Allie knows a lot of things about me that I’m not sure I’m ready for Lindsey to know.

“Well, she started by telling me that if I was anything less than a perfect date, Lloyd, Solo, and Sauerbrunn would all make sure I never saw anything but the bench. I knew by the second time at camp that we spent time together that you were special, but if you’ve got Becky, Carli and Hope all ready to fight for you, you must really be something. And then of course she added herself to that list.” 

I cringe, knowing that she’s right, Hope especially, would absolutely destroy Lindsey if she so much as showed up ten minutes late for a date. Nevertheless, I let her continue, genuinely curious about what information Allie offered her.

“After she got through her whole threat, she told me a few basic things about you. She told me that you liked to read a lot, and that you love jazz music. Especially when you get to listen to it on your record player. She told me that I should ask before so much as holding your hand, and that I should keep checking in. I’ve been doing okay with that, right?” Lindsey panics, her eyes the size of dinner plates.

I nod emphatically, waiting to see if she’ll continue without an explanation.

“She told me that you aren’t all that great at video games.”

“Yea, well, she can find a new gaming buddy then.” I joke.

“She likes to look out for me.” I quietly add.

“I think you’ve got a lot of people who are looking out for you.” Lindsey starts.

She’s staring right at me, and I don’t even know if I have it in me to look back at her.

“If you want me to be, I think I want to be one of those people.”

This gets my eyes to look up at hers, making eye contact at the statement that’s fairly blunt, and overwhelming. I don’t even know how to respond. This new attention from Lindsey, though not unwelcome, comes from uncharted territory. I don’t know whether I say yes, or if I’m even supposed to say anything at all. Luckily, she fills the silence, buying me some time.

“Tierna, I don’t ever want to make you uncomfortable. I don’t know what’s going through your head, but just know that you don’t have to say something just because you think it’s what I want to hear.”

I want to tell her. I want to tell her that I have no idea what I’m doing because the people who were supposed to model relationships for me as a kid, were instead abusing me. I want to tell her that I’m just now starting to get used to Hope and Carli being consistently there for me. I want to tell her that it’s not her fault, and that I’m damaged goods. I want to tell her that I don’t think I want this to be a one time thing, but that I don’t know how to do relationships. But for a first date, all of those things are too heavy. So I settle for a lighter version of that.

“Lindsey, this is new for me. I don’t want this to just be one date, but I don’t know how to go forward either.” I settle on saying.

“Maybe we could talk about that on our second date?” Lindsey says, a hopeful smile on her face.

“You know I leave for New York later today, right?” I ask.

“I know. But maybe I can come see you in New York? Or you could always come back to Portland. Maybe we could even meet somewhere in between sometimes. There’s always video calls too.” 

“Yeah, we can try one of those for a second date.” I say, a little smile on my face.

“What was that?” Lindsey asks, pretending she couldn’t hear me the first time.

“A second date. I’ll go one a second date with you.” I say again.

Lindsey wraps both arms around me, causing me to tense up, just for a moment before I could stop it.

“W-what’s wrong?” Lindsey asks, worried that she’s done something.

“Nothing, I just get tense sometimes. Don’t worry, you can get used to it on our second date.” I say, circling back, hoping that she’ll focus on the excitement of that again.

“How about I take you back to Becky’s, and we can talk later? Maybe about that second date.” She says, winking.

I agree, but instead of following her, I sprint to her car, jumping to pull open the driver’s door. I get there, and once I do, I realize why Lindsey wasn’t sprinting after me. I can’t open the door, because it’s locked. So Lindsey waltzes right in, unlocks her car to open the passenger's seat door for me, before walking around to the other side. She looks smug, so I playfully roll my eyes, but truthfully, I don’t know what to do about someone who opens doors for me and insists on paying for dates. 

When Lindsey parks her car outside of Becky’s, I don’t really want to get out of the car. This time, Lindsey waits a minute, just to watch to see what I do before she jumps out of the car to open my door. She walks me all the way up to Becky’s door, not willing to say her goodbyes in the lobby. Standing right outside of Becky’s door, she tells me that she had a nice night, that she hopes I enjoyed tonight too, and before I know it, she’s pressing a quick kiss to my cheek. She walks away blushing, which makes me happy that she can’t see the deep shade of pink that my own cheeks have adopted as their own.

Becky opens the door before I even knock. She must sense my confusion, because she answers my question before I even ask it.

“Security cameras.”

“So you saw the….?”

“You mean I saw that she kissed your cheek and then you celebrated it more than I’ve ever seen you celebrate a goal? Yeah, I saw it. Now tell me about this date while you finish packing.”

I appease Becky’s request, making final adjustments to my suitcase. Becky doesn’t say much, but she makes the most expressive faces as I tell her about the events of our date. She asks questions and gives me advice. She listens to everything I have to say, and while I can tell that she cares about me, her responses aren’t emotionally charged. She’s level headed, unbiased. 

Once I’ve finished packing my things and getting everything ready for my trip home, I attempt to say goodbye to Becky. I drop her gift at the door, but unlucky for me, she catches me in the act and calls me on it.

“What did you just drop on my welcome mat?” She asks, before I can slip all the way out the door.

“It’s a gift, for all of your help this week. You didn’t have to come bail me out of my own loneliness, but you did. You’ve been there for me since I’ve joined this team.” I reply, still trying to leave.

“You did not.” Becky says, staring in awe at her opened gift.

“Enjoy it, okay? I have to go or I’ll miss my flight and Carli and Hope will kill me.” I rush to say.

“You could miss your flight and come home with a face tattoo after having gambled away all your Nike money in Vegas, and Carli and Hope would still be wrapped around your finger. Those two love you more than I’ve ever seen anyone love someone else.” Becky says.

“Let’s not test that.”

“Alright, alright. Tell Carli and Hope I said hi, and don’t miss your flight. Goodbye Rookie.” Becky says, this time actually letting me make my escape.

The ride to the airport is almost as short as the line for airport security, which leaves me with enough time to get a snack before my flight leaves. I’m back at the gates in time for boarding, enjoying my seat in economy. I don’t sleep on the flight, but this time it’s not out of nerves, it’s because I’m too ready to be back at Carli’s house. 

When the plane lands, almost four hours later, I grab my bags off of the conveyor belt before I finally get to drive my own car to the place where I live. I’ve never been this excited to return to a place before, which I think just might make this place home.


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Done based off of a suggestion from Hersweetmockingmouth! Let me know what you guys are thinking!

“Kid!” Hope shouts, jumping up off of the couch to greet me.

“Hi Mum.” I whisper, nuzzling into her neck.

I spend at least a minute nuzzled into her neck, letting her wrap her arms around me. As much as Becky helped me while I was on the road, no one makes me feel as safe as Hope and Carli do. She’s stroking my hair and asking me questions about my trip, but I can tell that all she really wants to ask about is my date.

“Kid?”

“Mm?”

“Your date. How did your date go? Was Lindsey good to you? She didn’t try anything, right?” Hope says, her tone slowly elevating as she keeps talking.

“Isn’t Mom going to want to know too?” I giggle.

“CARLI?” Hope screams, racing off to go find her fiancé.

“Davidson! You’re home!” Carli shouts from the stairs.

“We don’t care about that anymore. We want to hear about her date!” Hope shouts from behind her.

I pick up my backpack, and grab the handle of my suitcase, starting to take it up the stairs to my room. Both Carli and Hope who were previously making their way down to meet me, have now turned around and are following me up to my room, still insistent on getting some answers as to what happened during my time away. 

“Tierna?” 

“Yeah?”

“Please tell you about your date?” Carli pleads.

“She brought me flowers when she picked me up.” I start, trying not to blush.

“Good start.” Hope says skeptically.

“She took me ice skating. She opened every single door we ever walked through for me. She gave me her jacket because I got cold.” I say, unpacking shirts from my suitcase.

“Okay, that’s also fine.” Hope adds, clearly looking for Lindsey to have messed up somewhere.

“Mum?”

“Kid?”

“Why do you think that Lindsey messed up on our date?” I ask bluntly, sitting down on my bed.

“It doesn’t sound like she did.”

“But you seem to keep looking for her to have done something wrong. Why?” I ask again.

“Kiddo, you’re my baby. Neither Carli or I got to carry you, or watch you grow up, but you’re our baby, and the thought of someone else being with my baby? It’s scary, because you’re my baby, and you deserve the best. I just want to make sure that Lindsey treated you the way that you deserve to be treated, even though in my eyes, nothing will ever be good enough for you.” Hope explains.

“I’m not a baby.” I mumble quietly.

“That’s what you took away from that? Honey, Hope isn’t saying that you’re a baby, she’s saying that you’re our baby.” Carli giggles, only slightly less protective in this moment than Hope is being.

“So you’re not mad at Lindsey?”

“Not yet.” Hope responds.

“She asked before she even tried to hold my hand. She knocked my wallet into the backseat once th- my wallet! Oh my god my wallet is in Portland.” 

“Why the hell was she trying to get you into the backseat?” Hope roars.

“No, Mum, not like that. We went through a drive through for smoothies after we went skating, and I got out my wallet to pay for them, and she wanted to be sure that I couldn’t pay. No one was in the backseat. But I have to call Lindsey.”

“How did you get home? Isn’t your ID in your wallet?” Carli asks, surprisingly calm.

“No, I keep my ID in the pocket on the back of my phone. Really it’s just my cards and maybe a twenty, and it’s with Lindsey so it’s not like it’s somewhere unsafe.”

“I knew that girl was going to mess up!” Hope remarks.

“Hope, calm down, she was making sure that she could be the one to pay for the date, and you’re mad?” Carli giggles once again.

“When you put it like that..”

I step out to call Lindsey, wanting to make sure that I get my wallet back as soon as possible.

“Hello?”

“Lindsey?”

“Hey Tierna! I’m really happy you called.”

“My wallet. I left my wallet in your car.”

“Oh my god, I knocked it out of your hand while we were in the car. I completely forgot.”

“It’s not a big deal, but could you mail it to me?” 

“Yeah, I’ll have it flown out.”

“Um, I don’t really know if they use planes so much for national mail. But you’ll send it?” I reply, a little bit weirded out by her response.

“I promise you, it’ll be there in a few days.” Lindsey says.

I attempt to continue the conversation, which Lindsey seems to be happy about, but both Hope and Carli pop their head out of the door, making it clear that they’re listening. I blush and turn away, thanking Lindsey before letting her know that I have to go. She’s not happy to hang up the phone, but she does anyways, letting me know that she’ll call me soon.

“What do you think, Hope? You think that shade was called ‘Mom’s stop embarrassing me pink?’” Carli jokes.

“She was good to me. It was weird.” I mumble, trying to explain my embarrassment.

“Honey? Why was it weird?” Carli asks, sitting down next to me on my bed.

“I guess I just didn’t expect it.” I admit.

“You didn’t expect her to be good to you?” Carli asks, tucking a strand of stray hair behind my ear.

I bow my head, a little embarrassed, but I nod.

“Oh my love. Why is that?”

Carli gives me a minute, letting me try to formulate a way to say what I’m thinking. Hope is equally as concerned, but she doesn’t seem to know what to say.

“I’m just now learning that you guys are going to consistently be good to me, b-but it’s still unexpected, even sometimes from you. It’s odd being around people who don’t just say that they care about me, but their actions reflect that too. I don’t know how to respond to that.” I admit, starting to get a little bit teary.

“Sweet girl, can I tell you a little bit about what being your Mom means to me?” Carli asks, sincerity written all over her face.

I’m thrown for a loop by this, but I nod.

“I didn’t have the childhood that you and your Mum did. I grew up with two parents that loved each other, and they loved me, and I never felt unsafe. They modeled for me, the love that I give to you and your Mum. I want to give you all of the love that my parents gave to me, and then some.”

“Mom.” I cry, my voice unsteady.

“Wait, I promise you can say whatever you want, just let me finish. I want to tell you what being your Mom means to me.”

“Car.” Hope tries, wiping away a tear from Carli’s cheek.

“Tierna I didn’t think I ever wanted kids, but when I met you, not only did I want you to be my kid, I was sad that you hadn’t always been my kid. It’s not about you being biologically mine or not, I know that you couldn’t be more mine if I had carried you for nine months. It’s about not getting to have raised you, especially since I know about all of the abuse and neglect that you had to go through before you got to me. You were nineteen by the time you stumbled into my life, and so you didn’t really need a Mom to teach you how to tie your shoes, or not to take candy from strangers. You need a Mom because you need all of the love you never got, and you deserve to have that love for the rest of your life, and I fully intend on being there to give it to you. I want to love you through the court preceding, and the world cup, and whatever the hell this is with Lindsey. I want to be the Mom that you deserved when you were little, I want to be the Mom that you deserve right now, and I want to be the Mom that you deserve for the rest of your life.” Carli monologues.

There isn’t a dry eye in the room. I’m now practically in Carli’s lap, my back being rubbed by Hope, and my hair being played with by Carli. I feel completely safe with the two of them. 

“Do I have to follow that? Because that was one hell of a speech.”

I giggle at Hope. I know that Carli wants to give me all the love that she got as a kid, the way that Hope wants to give me all the love that she didn’t get as a kid. I love Hope and Carli more than I’ve ever loved anyone else, but there’s a little part of me that’s sad that I can’t return the favor for Hope, who also didn’t have a Mom who loved her like she and Carli are promising to love me. 

“I’m sorry Mom’s.”

“Okay, my turn. Kid, why are you sorry?” Hope says, completely shocked I’ve even thought to apologize.

“You deserve a kid that’s not damaged goods.” 

“T. You may have experienced trauma, but you’re not damaged goods. And Carli and I don’t want any other kid, we want you. We’d want you no matter what. Okay?”

I nod.

“I need you to say it.”

“You would want me no matter what.” I repeat, nuzzling further into both of my Mom’s.

“So, now that we have that out of the way…. Lindsey really didn’t try to get you into her backseat?” Hope asks, completely serious.

“Mom, fix your fiancé.” I whine.

“Oh, so when she’s helping you break the team diet she’s your Mum, but when she’s asking you questions you don’t want to answer she’s my fiancé?” Carli jokes, giggling while playing with my hair. “Really though, Hope, leave our daughter alone. Lindsey was good to her.

At that, I stick my tongue out at Hope, which she repeats back to me. I end up falling asleep, which results in Hope and Carli repositioning me more comfortably in my bed. They decide to let me sleep for a while, knowing that the trip home has probably worn me out. 

When I wake up, I look at all of the clothes I was supposed to unpack. I send Allie a text to ask what she’s up to before I walk right past them, heading downstairs for a snack. Carli’s in the kitchen, greeting me before I’m even all the way downstairs. I’m still half asleep, but I’m awake enough to accept the cut up fruit she’s offering me. Allie’s answered my text, almost demanding that I come over to tell her about how my date with Lindsey went. 

“Mom is it alright if I go to Allie’s for a while?” I quickly ask.

“Wake up first, I don’t want you driving half asleep. So eat your fruit and then yes. Oh, and be back before dinner” She answers.

I thank her before I start eating my fruit, knowing that if I make Allie wait too long she’ll be at least a little bit irritated. After I finish my snack, I grab my jacket and keys, hoping that it’s not too cold outside. I shout a quick goodbye to Carli as I leave, getting a quick shout back.

I’m at Allie’s within fifteen minutes, being screened by her dogs, who can apparently still smell Harley on me, even though I’ve been gone for a week. Allie herself, manages to get six questions out in one breath, which can’t be healthy. She briefly stops asking questions just to tell me that she and Lindsey have already talked, which is nerve wracking.

“What did Lindsey say?” I’m quick to ask.

“Nope, you answer questions, and then I’ll tell you about what Lindsey said.”

“Do you want to tell me about why you told Lindsey all about me?” I ask, not letting her repeat her first question.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Allie says, feigning innocence. “First impressions?”

“She was really nice and considerate.” I gush.

“How did you like skating?”

“I liked that she didn’t make me feel stupid for not knowing how to skate, but it was also terrifying that she could skate circles around me. I tensed up when she caught me because I almost fell.”

“She really liked showing you how to skate..” Allie trails off, the biggest grin on her face.

“Tell me more about what Allie told you?” I plead.

“She couldn’t stop talking about any of it. You, the date, her ideas for your second date. She’s excited to get to know you better.” 

“Allie, you didn’t tell her anything that would scare her right?”

“What do you mean?”

“She knew that I live with Carli, but did you tell her about Canada, or Hope, or my parents?” I ask.

“I told her that you have Hope, Carli, and Becky in your corner, but she doesn’t know that Carli and Hope are your Mom’s. And she has no idea about Canada.”

“Allie, what do I do when she finds out?”

“What do you mean?” Allie inquires, her eyebrows knit together.

“She’s not going to want to be with me once she knows about everything that I am. Everything that’s happened to me. What am I supposed to do then?” I ask.

“Don’t underestimate her. Lindsey really likes you at a surface level, and you and I both know that she’s not exactly the type of person who backs down from something just because it’s hard.”

“Will I have to tell her?”

“It’s a good idea. Eventually, at least. You don’t have to tell her, but if you don’t, she won’t really know the whole you. But maybe worry about your second date first, and we can worry about that when you decide that it’s time to tell her?”

“You’re right. It’s just new. Everything about her is new. I don’t know how to react to her.”

“Explain.”

“She opens doors for me, and she insists on paying for things. She brought me flowers! I’ve never been in situations like those. I don’t know how to respond.” I admit.

“T, you blush a little bit, and you say thank you. Lindsey’s a nice girl, give the whole ‘nice’ thing a chance, because you deserve something nice in your life.” Allie tells me.

“But what about when she wants to hug me? Or kiss me? Or go… even further? She already kissed my cheek and held my hand.” 

“Tierna, she’s a nice girl. You can say no, and she’s going to listen. You can go as far as you feel comfortable with, and leave it at that. And if she so much as suggests taking it further than you’re comfortable with, you know that you have an army of people who will hunt her down.”

“I’m overthinking this, aren’t I?”

“It’s new, and scary, but maybe you can save the scary things for days when they come into play? And this might come as a shock, but I can guarantee that if Lindsey ever does something, or doesn’t do something, you can always talk to her about that. But yea, maybe right now just worry about what you’re going to wear on your second date.”

“I can do that. I think.”

“Davidson, the first time I dated someone after I was assaulted, I panicked way more than you’re panicking right now. However, the good thing is that I know Lindsey, and Lindsey’s safe. I know that’s cold comfort, especially right now, but I think that if you give her a chance, she’ll prove that she can be a safe haven for you.”

I don’t know how the girl who runs around calling people “pookie” always knows exactly what I need to hear, but she does. She sufficiently calms me down with a few rounds of Mario Kart that she’s set up with her TV now. Well, with that and her dogs. She’s exactly what I needed before returning home for dinner.

By the time I get home, Carli’s already making dinner, and Hope has just come back from her academy. She starts asking me questions about what I want my role there to be, what age range I’d like to coach, if I would do master classes during the summer on my days off. She shows me pictures of the finished gym, promising to take me over there tomorrow. Carli’s been running the business side. She’s hired a few different coaches, and thinks that we’ll be ready to open by the end of the month, holding an indoor winter season. The gym itself has three different full sized soccer fields along with a few different training areas, which would allow for a smaller league, at least in this first year. Hope asks me to design posters for team tryouts and training classes, little does she know that it takes me five minutes using internet templates. She’s thrilled with the posters, insisting that we leave now to go hang them up. Carli puts a stop to that idea, instead insisting on dinner.

The three of us sit together, catching up on what we’ve missed over the past week. However, after this afternoon's emotional bout of domestic discourse, we’re also exhausted. So after our barely understandable conversation at dinner, we complete our goodnight routine and go our separate ways. Harley and I are so happy to be sleeping in the same bed again, that we’re both asleep within minutes.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s taken so long! Next chapter has a little bit of love from everyone!

For both Hope and Carli’s sake, I really hope that Hope’s academy takes off. For Hope’s sake, I pray that it does well just because of all the effort she’s put into making it better than everything she’s ever wanted it to be. For Carli’s sake, I hope that it works out for after she retires from soccer, because we all know that she’ll be the one who makes sure that Hope actually coaches instead of just blocking shots all day.

Currently, Hope and I are doing just that. I’m shooting and she’s blocking every shot I take. Lucky enough for us, we’ve already accomplished everything that we were supposed to accomplish today. Hope has shown me the field I’ll be coaching on, put me on the payroll, and had me take the employee training and orientation. The only thing left for each coach to do before Solo Academy is officially open for it’s very first season, is to show up for tryouts to pick teams. Hope herself intends on coaching the top team, letting me coach the second team, and delegating the rest of the few teams to the top college and high school coaches within the area. She has us officially registered as a soccer club, making us the twelfth team in the conference. 

So when Carli shows up, asking if we’ve done everything that we set out to do today, we’re pleased to tell her that we have, and that’s why Hope and I are practicing. She eases up once she knows that Hope and I have gotten everything done. She manages to drag us out of the gym, promising dinner once we get home. I decide to ride home with Carli after remembering that Hope's favorite radio station is playing nineties music right now. 

Harley jumps to greet us, Carli and I first before Hope gets home. Carli starts dinner, making quinoa for the three of us. I let Carli know that I’m going to head up to my room to read before dinner, but to call me when she needs help setting the table. She kisses my forehead, before letting me go upstairs to read, taking Harley with me. 

Right as Carli calls me down to help with dinner, I get a text from Allie, asking me what my plans are for the night. I quickly reply, letting her know that I’m having dinner with Carli and Hope before maybe watching a movie and then going to bed. I ask her why, before scrambling down the stairs to help Carli with dinner. Hope is helping me set out plates, while Carli finishes up making the vegetables. We sit down at the table to eat, but my phone keeps buzzing in my pocket. I want to look at it, but when I was little, if I paid any attention to anything besides my parents or my food at dinner, well, the outcome wasn’t exactly pretty. All of the sudden I can’t move. I’m not having a flashback, but memories that I wish I didn’t have are running rampant inside of my head.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” Carli panics, her hand now on top of mine.

“Kid, you’re scaring us.” Hope adds.

“Alright Sweetheart, deep breaths now. I don’t think you’re having a panic attack, but I do need you to slow your breathing down, okay? Can you breathe with me?” Carli asks.

I nod quickly. Hope counts, while Carli takes deep breaths with me. I slow my breathing down, and lay my head down against Carli’s shoulder.

“Kid, you want to tell me what that was all about?” Hope asks.

“I remembered something.” I admit, my eyes looking down at my lap.

“Why don’t you tell us about it, sweet girl?” Carli asks, holding my hand now.

“M-my phone keeps buzzing in my pocket and I just remembered something from when I was a little younger.” 

“T, can you tell us more about that?” Hope asks.

“My Mom used to lock me in my room if I paid any attention to anything besides her and my Dad, or my food. The longest she ever left me in there was twelve hours. I got a text from Allie before dinner, and I was thinking about checking it during dinner to see if it was her again, but then I remembered that.” I admit, my eyes still dry, but not far from being teary.

“Little love, that has to weigh pretty heavily on you. Do you want me to tell us about it?” Carli asks.

“It never really took me very long to learn things as a kid, mostly because I didn't want to end up locked in my room, or with a bruise to hide from coaches. The first time I got locked in my room because I checked my phone at dinner, my Mom locked me in my room for four hours. It was the first night I had it, and I was excited. The only reason they let me out before the end of the night was because I had to pack my soccer bag for a tournament the next day. The other time was because a high school friend was calling me, and I picked up the phone because I was worried about her. My Mom locked me in my room until it was time for school the next morning. I tried to sleep through it but I was too overwhelmed. I’m sorry I even thought about checking my phone at dinner. It’s just that Allie had texted me beforehand, I thought about texting her back before I remembered all of that.” I explained.

“T, I’m so sorry that happened to you. I know how awful it feels to be locked away. Can I tell you something though sweetheart?” Hope asks.

I nod, desperate to hear what Hope has to say.

“You could sit on your phone all through dinner, and we’re not going to lock you in your room. Right Carli?” Hope asks, looking to Carli for confirmation.

“Honey, you could murder someone, and we wouldn’t lock you in your room. The government just might have something to say about it, and we’ll at the very least have a conversation about it, but we’re not going to lock you in your room.” Carli reaffirms.

I don’t say anything, not quite sure that there is anything to say. 

“Little love, do you want to check your phone? Allie might have said something important.”

“Carli, Allie never has anything important to say.” Hope quips.

Carli playfully smacks Hope before turning to me, giving me a look of reassurance. I pick up my phone and get up from my seat at the table, to walk away. I find at least six texts from Allie, all asking about what I’m doing for the rest of tonight or tomorrow. She wants to know if I’m up to seeing her anytime soon. I send her a quick text, letting her know that I’m too overwhelmed for anything tonight, but that tomorrow I could meet her somewhere. She responds in seconds, asking where she could meet me. I quickly send her a message asking if she’d like to meet me at Hope’s academy. When she says no, I’m a little thrown off. I suggest a local coffee place, which she agrees to. She suggests noon, which I agree to, before heading back to see Hope and Carli.

When I head back to the kitchen, Carli’s clearing away plates. Hope is standing next to her, reading her a text from her sister. I cuddle into her side without saying anything. Hope looks surprised, but she rubs my shoulder, happy to see me relaxed enough to nuzzle into her.

“Kiddo, I bet you’re tired after what happened at dinner. You want to go to bed?” Hope asks.

I shake my head.

“Do you want to cuddle on the couch for a little bit? We can watch a movie?” Carli suggests, sensing that I need a minute to calm down before going to bed.

This time I nod, wanting to feel close to my Mom’s. Carli asks me to pick out a movie, which I delegate to Hope. Once Hope puts in the movie, she gets onto the couch, inviting me to be her little spoon. Carli sits at the very end of the couch, letting me lay my head in her lap. She absentmindedly plays with my hair while we watch our movie. Surprisingly, I’m not the one who falls asleep during the movie, tonight it’s Hope who’s snoring behind me on the couch. When the movie ends, I turn into her, and she unconsciously throws her arm around me. Carli takes out her phone, quickly snapping a picture of the two of us. Once Carli takes the picture, she has me move, crawling into Hopes arms herself to wake her up. 

I take Harley out for a walk while Hope and Carli are waking up. Her tail wags emphatically, and she jumps at every squirrel. By the time we get back to Carli’s house, Harley has almost caught a bird on three separate occasions. Carli and Hope are upstairs, I can hear Hope singing from the kitchen. I take Harley upstairs before knocking on Carli’s bedroom door, waiting to say goodnight to the two. Hope opens the door for me, offering me a hug and a kiss before saying goodnight to Harley. Carli does the same, pressing a kiss to Harley’s forehead as well. I tell them both that I love them, and that I hope they sleep well, which leads to a family hug.

I follow Harley as she trots back to my room, jumping up onto my bed. I climb under the covers, letting her do the same. We fall asleep quickly, sleeping peacefully through the night.

Having intentionally not set an alarm, I wake up right on time to start getting ready for coffee with Allie. Not late enough that I have to rush around, but late enough that I can’t saunter the way that Hope does before she goes into the Academy everyday. Part of me is still a little thrown off as to why Allie wouldn’t want to see Hope’s new Academy. Usually she’s thrilled to be anywhere near a ball- especially when she doesn’t have to actually train. I put that out of my mind as I grab my keys and set my GPS for the coffee shop she sent me the address to.

The drive is quick, but when I get there, there are no signs of Allie’s banged up Honda Civic in the parking lot. I park my car, cut the engine and hesitantly head inside, my head turning left and right for any signs of Allie. I scan the shop quickly, not seeing any signs of Allie, so I quickly order a hot chocolate, knowing that I always get too embarrassed to order them when I’m with anyone over the age of fifteen. I look to get a table for Allie and I, and that’s when I see her.

Lindsey Horan is now standing up next to a table in the back of a coffee shop in New York. There have been a lot of moments in my life where I’ve felt frozen to my spot, but I’m pretty sure that this makes the top five. It’s now clear that Allie’s not here, and was never going to be here, she was just a ploy for Lindsey’s surprise. A hot chocolate is handed to me from the counter, and I whisper a thank you. I’m too anxious to move, but not anxious enough to stop breathing, or to have a panic attack, which is surprising, but I suppose the best of the evils. This is the part where I’m supposed to walk over to Lindsey, but I can’t quite get my feet to take me there. Nike, USSF, and the Red Stars all continue their interest in me, all because of the things that I can do with my feet, but right now, I can’t even get them to take me to the girl standing maybe five feet away. 

Lindsey bails me out, and decides to walk over to me, meeting me where I’m at instead. I can’t even begin to describe the feelings that go with the surprise that is seeing this Portland girl, here, in New York. 

“I have your wallet.” Lindsey says sheepishly.

I offer no reply, I just stand like a deer in headlights in the middle of a coffee shop that I wish I was more familiar with.

“I’m here in New York for at least two weeks. Allie is letting me stay with her.” Lindsey adds, hopeful that this will get a response.

“What are you doing here?” I finally find the nerve to ask.

“You left your wallet in my car.” She replies, as if it’s no big deal that she decided to bring it herself.

“And you came all the way here just to drop it off?” I exclaim, just a little unnerved by the thought that went into this gesture.

“Tierna, you seem upset. I didn’t have anything going on, so I got on a plane to bring you your wallet. I know that if this were a movie, I’d have declared my love by now, but I’m not going to do that, okay? I’d like to take you on a second date, but I’m not going to do anything you’re not comfortable with.” Lindsey confesses.

“D-do you want to sit down?” I ask, feeling slightly soothed by her explanation.

Lindsey leads me to the table she had picked out prior to my arrival, pulling out my chair for me to sit down. 

“You know, someone else might have called before booking a flight halfway across the country to visit someone they haven’t even been on a second date with yet.” I say, not entirely sure why.

“Allie told me that too, she really insisted that I wouldn’t get very far with surprises, but the opportunity presented itself and I took it. And you should really know, I’m not someone else.” Lindsey says, really accentuating the last two words.

“Well, she’s not exactly wr- wait a minute- is that? Is that Allie?” I ask, pointing to someone with a baseball cap on and sunglasses to match it.

“Oh my God, she did that to Kelley and Sonnet. She promised me that she wouldn’t do it to us though! I even checked the parking lot for her car before I came in. Do you want me to go kick her out?” Lindsey asks, giggling as she does it.

“I-I don't even know.” I say, giggling as well.

Allie has such a range of emotional maturity, that sometimes it’s hard to remember that she’s just one person. One day she’s trying to convince me that the trial witnesses have agreed to be trial witnesses on their own accord, and that I’m not responsible or guilty of anything, and the next she’s dressed up to spy on a date that she sprung on me, while dressed in sunglasses indoors. It’s just so Harry. 

“I’ll go kick her out.” Lindsey says, getting up to confront Allie who’s turning inward, knowing that she’s been spotted.

Allie looks shocked when Lindsey struts over, clearly asking her to give us some space. I try not to look, but still on edge I look over, just to see Allie clearly making a weak plea to stay. Lindsey escorts Allie all the way to the door, Allie arguing the whole way there. I giggle at her stubbornness, and make a note to ask her about it later. Lindsey walks all the way back, goofily rolling her eyes at Allie’s antics.

“I didn’t mean for that to be a big deal, I just figured you would be more comfortable if it was just us.” Lindsey explains.

It’s right then, right now that I realize just how considerate Lindsey is of me. She has no clue what I’ve been through, yet she’s bending over backwards just to make me comfortable in situations she senses any of my distress in. I still don’t feel comfortable with her, but I want to. Sitting across from the woman who just kicked out someone who both set up this surprise date and then spied on it, I realize that I want to put in the work to be with Lindsey. I want to be with Lindsey. 

“So, tell me more about you?” Lindsey asks, bringing me out of my own thought bubble.

“Um, well I played at Stanford?” I offer up, hoping that it takes.

“T, I know you played at Stanford. I was hoping you could tell me about you. Like what your parents do for a living or what were you like growing up?” Lindsey asks.

Neither of her questions are ones that I wish to answer, but I do have approximately four choices here. I can avoid the second question entirely, and answer the first one using my biological parents, and not explain that Carli and Hope are acting as my Mom’s. I can tell her that my Mom’s are soccer players and stall until she eventually figures it out and forgets about the second question. I can tell her right off the bat about Carli and Hope, and then tell her about my childhood, explaining why Carli and Hope are my Mom’s. I could also just avoid both questions entirely. I opt for the answer that I hate the most, but the one that I know will make these next two weeks the easiest.

“You know how Allie told you that Carli and Hope would hunt you down if you did anything they wouldn’t approve of on our first date?”

Lindsey nods.

“It’s- It’s because when I was little, I didn’t exactly have the classic childhood experience, and I don’t want to talk about it, but my parents left the picture when I came out as gay. Um, and, well, Carli and Hope? They’re sort of like stand-in Moms’. So that’s why Allie warned you about Carli and Hope.” I say, bracing myself for Lindsey to walk out, or make a devastating quip.

“I kind of figured that Carli was taking her job as your team Mom a little seriously. So it makes sense that Hope is like another Mom by proxy. They’re two people that I would definitely be scared to have as Moms’, but I bet they’re protective, which is probably nice since you’re young and in a scary new job.” Lindsey replies, taking a sip of her coffee as if I haven’t said anything out of the ordinary.

I don’t know how to respond. Truth be told, I didn’t think I’d get this far. I’m exhausted from being ambushed, and then sharing Hope and Carli with her. I don’t even know what a normal response would consist of, nevertheless what I’m supposed to say. I don’t even know how I’ve made it to this point with Lindsey, with how unlikely of a candidate for a relationship I am. Date two didn’t even seem like a possibility.

“You’re thinking too loudly.”

“Oh. Um, sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. Tell me what’s on your mind?” Lindsey asks, a shred of hope lingering in her eyes.

“You don’t want to meet Hope and Carli, do you?” I ask, serious

“I was hoping that eventually, you would want me to meet them. At least as someone you’re going on dates with. I will tell you that I have met both Hope Solo and Carli Lloyd. However, they're a big part of your life, and I hope that one day, you might want me to meet them as someone you’re dating. I hope that you want me to be a part of your life too. To simplify, I want you to want me to meet them, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be on this trip. Maybe if the rest of this trip goes well, you might be okay with me coming to New York again.” 

It’s the best response I could have asked for, and yet I have no idea what to do with it.

“Maybe we can talk about it, and just decide when it feels right?” I ask shyly.

“That sounds like a good idea.”

The vast majority of the rest of the date is spent discussing things that are more comfortable, favorite foods, colors, premier league teams. All things that let me catch my breath from everything that’s happened so far. Lindsey is a good thing. At least I think she’s a good thing. She’s a good thing I am so worried about ruining. She does nothing but prove it to me when she notices me yawning.

“You look a little sleepy. Let me drive you home?”

“We took separate cars here.” I reason.

“I took an uber here. Let me drive you and your car home, and then I’ll take an uber to Allie’s from your house.” Lindsey says, a smug smile on her face.

“If you crash my car, you don’t get a third date.” I joke, standing up and handing her the keys.

“If I get you home safely, I get a third date while I’m here in New York.”

“Deal.”

I pretend not to see the dorky celebration that Lindsey does, but I totally saw it. I try to erase any signs from my face of having seen it, not wanting her to know just how adorable I found it. She leads me out to the parking lot, offering me her hand for the walk that takes less than a minute, just wanting that small piece of contact. I let her hold my hand all the way there, until she finally lets it go to open my door. She somehow managed to get me to let her open the passenger seat door for me. 

“Would you mind dropping me off a block away from Carli’s house? I feel guilty asking, but they both know who you are, and if we wait for your Uber together in front of Carli’s house, they’re going to have a lot of questions.” I ask.

“Sure.” Lindsey replies, making every attempt to sound positive but the hurt still showing through in her voice.

When she parks my car at the curb, she races around to open my door, even though we have nowhere to be for at least another five minutes. She grabs my hand and leads me to the curb, sitting down before pulling lightly at my hand, asking me to sit with her. I sit down next to her, a little closer than I had intended. 

“Tell me something pretty girl?”

For the first time today, I know exactly how to react. I playfully shove Lindsey the way that Carli playfully shoves Hope when Hope does something ridiculous. Lindsey and I laugh the whole time, enjoying every minute.

“Okay, okay. My Uber is almost here.” Lindsey says, her hands up in surrender from her first comment.

“Oh, okay.” I say, both disappointed and relieved.

Lindsey moves a little closer to me, and turns in towards me ever so slightly. She looks at me more intensely than I think I’ve ever been looked at. My heart rate skyrockets, and everything but Lindsey disappears.

“Can I kiss you?”

I don’t answer, I just tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, the nonverbal ‘yes’ being all she needed to lean in and close the gap. She moves her hands up to cup my face, and mine move to wrap around her neck. Our knees bump together from sitting facing inward on the curb, and it’s awkward, but it’s nice. 

The kiss is over as soon as it begins, and Lindsey gets up, and gets into a car before I can really even register what’s happening. She said goodbye, and I think that I must have said it back, but I’m still in a daze from the kiss. 

It takes me a minute to collect my thoughts before I take my car home, taking less than thirty seconds. As I cut the engine, I lay my head on the steering wheel. I have absolutely no idea what to do, but I know that it starts with answering whoever has been blowing up my phone for the past two hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lindsey Horan: The girl who gets you to let her open your own passenger seat door for you.


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, there’s a lot here, but somehow it’s still not as dramatic as all of this weeks PK’s.

It turns out that my phone blowing up was a collaborative effort. Allie and Becky, teamed up to make my home screen a collection of missed messages and phone calls. Becky even left a few voice mails. Neither Hope, nor Carli’s cars are in the driveway, so I have the choice as to whether or not I want to listen to Becky’s voicemails in my car or in the living room. Technically I could have let Lindsey drive my car all the way home too. We could have had our first kiss on the doorstep instead of a literal curb. 

I open the door, sending Becky a text asking if she’s alright. Most of her texts are threats, saying that if I don’t respond soon, she’ll text Carli to make sure she gets a response. It doesn’t even take a full millisecond until my phone is ringing again, the text apparently not being enough for Becky. 

“Tierna, why are you avoiding me?” 

“Well, it’s been a long day.”

“Wait, what’s wrong. I know that voice.”

“Lindsey flew out to New York to surprise me. Allie even helped her keep it a surprise once she got here.” 

“I’ll keep both of them on the bench for the entire season.”

“No, it was overwhelming, but Lindsey was sweet, and Allie only helped, at least I think.”

“Are you sure? Because I will fly to New York myself to kick both of their asses if I have to.” Becky threatens.

“As much as I appreciate that, it was only scary because she flew out from Portland, and because I told her about Hope and Carli being my Moms’. Allie was there. Lindsey has to kick her out.” I say, giggling at the last part.

“Rookie? You still sound upset. When did you get home?”

“Just now.”

There’s a quick giggle before Becky says “Rookie, you probably need to decompress.” 

“What do you mean?”

“What makes you feel calm?”

“Spending time with Hope and Carli.” I admit, happy that Becky can’t see that I’m blushing through the phone.

“Call them to decompress for a little while. You’ll feel better.”

“Becky?”

“Yeah, Rookie?”

“Why did you call me?”

“I need help setting up a streaming service.” Becky admits, clearly embarrassed.

“Can it wait?” I ask, trying to keep the amusement out of my voice.

“Yes, you rest and then call me back later. I want to hear about your date and then you can help me with all of this new internet, TV, garbage.” 

I quickly promise Becky that I’ll decompress, and that I’ll eventually help her subscribe to some sort of streaming service before saying a quick goodbye and hanging up the phone. I had promised Becky I would go straight to calling my Moms’ but I just have to check and make sure that Allie’s all right too. 

Allie’s sent me a large number of messages on a large spectrum of urgency, ranging from “I'd just like to say something about why I was at the coffee shop with you and Lindsey,” all the way to asking if she can come over to explain herself. I’m not angry at the midfielder, but I’m also too overwhelmed to hear her explanations right now. So I close out of the messages, and call Hope and Carli to ask when they’ll be home.

Luckily for me, Hope and Carli were already in the car and on their way home when I had called, meaning that I won’t have to wait very long for them to get here. The only problem is, what do I tell them once they do? Do I ask them if we can take a nap together for no apparent reason, and explain everything once we wake up? Do I make up a lie as to why I’d be so tired and overwhelmed in the first place? 

Unluckily for me, they’re through the door before I have time to make a choice. However, Carli and Hope immediately stop their casual conversation once they see me. 

“Tierna you only lay like that when something’s bothering you. What’s wrong?” Carli insists, her maternal instincts being a little too good.

“I had a rough day, but Becky says I should decompress before I talk about it.”

“Alright Kid. Do you want to watch a movie? Take a nap? What will it be?”

“Um. Could we listen to one of my records together?” I ask shyly, knowing that we’ve never done something like that before.

“You want me to go get your record player from upstairs Kid?” Hope asks, perfectly happy with the idea.

Hope and I argue over who should get to take the record player downstairs, but Hope wins out. She does let me follow her to pick out a record though. Hope does all of the heavy lifting, while I pick out a Harry James record with only slow songs on it. Harley follows it but does no lifting, only tailwaging and smiling. 

Carli’s in the kitchen getting us each a glass of water, insisting that neither Hope or I hydrate enough. She laughs at Hope carrying my record player, knowing that even after all these years she’s still a ‘try hard.’ Carli brings me the water glass she’s made for me, insisting that I take a sip while she looks over the cover of the record I’ve picked out.

“Why this one?” Carli asks.

“Ever since high school, this has just been the album that I listen to when I get upset.” I admit quietly.

“What did Allie do? I swear to god I will kick her ass all the way to Coney Island.” Hope threatens, not pleased with knowing I’m upset.

“Look, Becky said I should decompress before I talk about it. Can we listen to the album together and then I promise I’ll tell you the whole story? You can kick whoever’s ass you want after that.” I offer to Hope, who’s still unsure.

“Don’t swear.” Carli lightly warns, completely ignoring the rest of what's been said.

“Carli, she’s nineteen, she can say ‘ass’” Hope says, laughing a little bit.

Moments where Carli Lloyd is at a loss for words are rare, but this just so happens to be one of them. Something about being told to watch my language is bothering me. No one has ever just told me to watch my language before, they’ve always either just let it go, or jumped straight into punishments that have left me with cigarette burns and a severe need for therapy. No one has ever cared about me enough to tell me to watch to watch my language. My eyebrows twinge in a way that must make something known to the world that I’m unaware of, because now Carli’s looking at me as if I’ve burst into tears.

“Sweet girl, what’s wrong?”

“I promise, we can have a long conversation about everything that’s wrong after we listen to this record. Can we do that?”

There’s a general nod from the two of them, before there’s a long, painful silence.

“How do you typically do this Kid?”

“I, um. I’m not sure.” I say, all of the sudden confused as to how to start. I’ve listened to this exact record to make myself feel better countless times, but I’ve never shared it with anyone. “I don’t know how to listen to music with other people.” I admit.

“Do you want to lay on the couch and listen to it, or do you want to dance?” Hope asks again.

This time it’s me who’s at a loss for words, and Carli who’s coming to the rescue.

“How about we turn it on, and you can decide then? We can do whatever feels right, it’s not a big deal, it’s just a record.” Carli reassures me.

I nod my head in agreement and put the needle down on the best song of the record. I stay standing, but once Sleepy Lagoon starts playing it’s like I can instantly feel the air in my lungs again. I don’t go to sit down again, but I don’t move towards Hope or Carli either. Part of me wants to just collapse, and although I’m not paralyzed like I was earlier with Lindsey, I don’t seem to want to move either. Hope seems to see right through me, because she gets right up from her spot on the couch. However, she doesn’t dance with me, she just wraps her arms around me and holds my body weight, letting me be as weightless and calm as I need to be. She rocks us back and forth just a little bit to music. I lay my head down on her chest, a content sigh escaping me. Carli chuckles as she films this moment, even though I’m currently unaware of it.

When the song ends, Hope doesn’t let me go, but she backs up enough to look at me. It’s not me who breaks the contact between us, it’s Carli who asks for the “dance” to the next song. Hope takes a step back, instead picking up Harley and dancing with her for the entirety of the song. Carli holds my body weight, letting me just be held and listen to the song that's crackling on the record player. Hope figures out that once she puts Harley down, we can dance all together. Hope is tall enough that the span of her arms can comfortably wrap all the way around both me and Carli.

We sit down after listening to about half of the record, ready to talk about the chaos that ensued today. I don’t have anything in my proximity to fidget with, and Carli, sensing this overwhelming response, offers me her hand, the one with her engagement ring on it. 

“I told you that Allie and I were getting coffee this morning,” I say, twiddling the ring on her finger, “but when I showed up, it was Lindsey who was there. Well, Allie was there too, but she was spying on us and Lindsey kicked her out” 

There’s a gasp from Hope as her eyes narrow, and Carli’s hand tenses up as I fidget with her ring, but I continue anyways.

“She wanted to surprise me with my wallet. So she didn’t mail it, she brought it to me herself. It was sweet..” I trail off, not finishing the rest of the statement.

“But overwhelming?” Carli asks.

I nod, not bothering to look up at her.

“I’ll kill her.” Hope snarls, getting up. “I’ll kill them both.”

“Hope they were trying to do something nice for our girl.” 

‘Our girl’ is a new one, but it’s quite possibly my favorite yet. There’s a faint grin on my face from the pet name, but otherwise my body is tense from the thought of Hope Solo hunting down Allie and Lindsey. 

“Why wouldn’t Allie stop her then? Huh? She knows our baby isn’t exactly the best target for a surprise!” Hope all but shouts.

“I- I don’t know, but Hope you need to breathe. You’re scaring Tierna.”

Carli holds my head to her chest, even though I’m only shaking a little bit. I try to calm down the best that I can, knowing that there’s more to the story.

“Mum, I haven’t talked to Allie yet, but we’re going to work it out. Do you mind if I keep going?” I ask, Hope taking a deep breath before nodding. “Lindsey treated it like a date.” I say, Carli with a firm hand on Hope’s knee. “She wanted to know about my… personal life. So I told her about the two of you.” I look up nervously to Hope and Carli both eager for me to continue, but it doesn’t quite sit right with me. “You’re not mad that I told Lindsey you’re my Moms’?” 

“Little love, did you think we would be mad?” Carli asks.

“I know you let me call you each ‘Mom,’ but I know that I’m not really yours.” I admit.

“You had, and have, and will always have every right to tell Lindsey, and whoever else you want, that I am your Mother. Because you are mine. Well not mine, you belong to you.” Hope scrambles to awkwardly figure out how to phrase. “But you are our kid. You couldn’t be more our kid if one of us had carried you. But you are ours, okay?”

I nod.

“I need you to say it.”

“I’m your kid.” 

“You're our kid.” Hope repeats, ruffling my hair, getting me to scrunch up my face in embarrassment.

“Very sweet you two, but I would really, like to know what happened kiddo.” Carli says, demanding to hear the rest of the story. “You had told Lindsey about us.” she says, reminding me of my place in the story.

“She didn’t panic. I really thought she would panic, but she didn’t. She told me that she wanted me to want her to meet you both.” I say, air quotes up.

“And what did you say?” Carli questions, clearly having gone into captain mode.

“I told her that I didn’t know if it would happen on this trip since she’s only here for two weeks, but that I wanted her to meet you both eventually.” I trail off, my voice getting quiet at the end. “But she convinced me to let her drive me home.” I add cheekily.

“You let that girl drive you and your car home?” Carli asks- heated.

“I had yawned a few times, and- and she was telling me that I shouldn’t drive tired, and she had to take an Uber home anyways!” I try to rationalize it for them, but neither of them seem happy with this. “Yes, I let her drive me and my car home.” I admit, defeated by both of their stares.

“So the date ended there?” Hope asks.

Wishful thinking on her part.

“Well, uh. I had her take the car about a block away from the house in case you were home, because I promised I’d wait with her for her Uber. So we- uh, we sat on the curb. And well, before she got in her Uber, well. Um. We kissed.” I practically whisper unintelligibly.

“Excuse me, did you say she kissed you?” Hope roars. “Because if she kissed you without asking first, I’ll kill her.”

“Well she did kiss me. But she actually did ask first.” I say, my hands tucking my hair behind each of my ears, and my cheeks redder than Lindsey’s Portland kit.

“I still don’t like it.” Hope grumbles.

“Little love, would you mind going upstairs for a minute so that your Mum and I can talk?” 

“Can I bring Harley?” I ask, still embarrassed from the whole conversation. 

“Yes honey, you can bring Harley.” Carli giggles.

After hearing that, I race up the stairs, carrying a lazy Harley in my arms, leaving my two Moms’ to talk.

“Hope.”

“Carli.” Hope mocks.

“That girl upstairs-”she points, “just came home to tell us about something that happened to her. Good? Bad? I’m not sure! Frankly, I would have liked to have asked more questions, because Lindsey surprised our baby by flying across the country to surprise her! However, someone” Carli accuses, “just made threats the whole time!” Carli yells.

“What do you mean?” Hope asks, her tone elevated.

“I know you’re not thrilled with our baby dating. I’m not thrilled with it either. It’s normal to be skeptical of Lindsey, I am too. But if you don’t make this a safe environment for Tierna to tell us things, she won’t. She was scared to let Lindsey drive her car all the way to our house for fucks sake!” Carli says, throwing her hands up in frustration. “She’s nervous enough without you making it abundantly clear that you’re upset. Hope, honey, I don’t even think you’re mad that she’s dating. I think you’re worried about her getting hurt again. Am I right?”

“I messed up.” Hope says, her lower lip starting to tremble.

“You did. But honey, lucky for you, I think this one is an easy fix, okay? You just can’t turn your fear into anger. Not ever, but especially not with her. She has to know that we’re on her team no matter what she decides to do, okay?” Carli asks, pulling her future wife into her lap. 

“What do I do?” Hope whines.

“Hmm let me think…” Carli jokes, feigning confusion. “You have to go up there and talk to her. Make sure that she knows that you’re all right with her dating, and that you’re sorry, but most importantly that you’re on her team and you’ll back her up no matter what.”

“You should talk to her.” Hope whines, her face in Carli’s shoulder.

“That would completely defeat the purpose my love.” Carli says, playing into her fiancés suggestion.

“Do I have to pretend to like Lindsey?” Hope asks, clearly dreading the answer.

“Not yet, but you have to remain neutral until Tierna tells us she loves Lindsey, and then we have to pretend to like her, or until she hurts our baby, and then we can openly dislike her.” Carli says, apparently knowing the rules of liking and disliking your children’s dates.

Hope simply grumbles incoherently into Carli’s shoulder, not excited to come talk to me.

“I’ll wait outside of the door if you want?” Carli offers, stroking Hope’s now messy hair.

“You’re sure you can’t go with me?” Hope raises her head to ask.

“I didn’t threaten to kill Lindsey, so no. Now get up there.” Carli advises, forcing Hope off of her lap and onto her feet, up the stairs to my room.

I’m pacing around my room with a soccer ball at my feet impressing Harley with my one on one moves, wondering whether or not I should text Allie back tonight, when someone knocks at my door. 

“Hey, kid. Can I come in?” Hope asks.

I decide that she can, and so I open the door, but once I do, I immediately hit her with a nutmeg. 

“I may be a keeper, but if we’re playing this game in my house, just know that you will not win.” Hope fires back, clearly very unhappy about being nutmegged.

“What’s up Mum?” I ask, giggling the whole time, lightly passing the ball into the corner.

“I’m sorry I was an asshole earlier. I said a lot of things that I didn’t mean, all because I’m scared. I love you a whole awful lot, and when you decided to start dating, my instinct to defend you kicked in. But it doesn’t quite come out that way,” she says, struggling to find the words to adequately express the way she feels, “I remember how scared I was when I first started dating your Mom. When you share the darkest parts of your life with someone, you’re opening yourself up to get hurt, but also to be loved. Kid, I’ve gotten hurt before, but when I opened myself up to your Mom, I found the love of my life. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that it’s a gamble. It’s a complete roll of the dice, and I want you to find a love exactly like what your Mom and I have, but I don’t want you to get hurt. That’s why I was acting the way I was acting downstairs, okay?” Hope professes.

“You’re not really angry at me?” I ask, using both hands to gesture inwards towards myself.

“Davidson, you might irritate me with a nutmeg every once in a while, but you have never made me full blown angry.”

“You’re not mad that it’s Lindsey?” I ask, making sure she doesn’t have a special vendetta against the girl I’m seeing.

“I’m not mad that it’s Lindsey. There isn’t a single person on the planet Earth that I would think is ever good enough for you, but Lindsey can try.” Hope says, winking to let me know she’s kidding, at least partially.

“Mum?”

“Yeah babe?”

“It’s scary.” I admit, petting the dog in my lap.

“What’s scary?” Hope asks, having a pretty good idea of what the answer will be.

“I was so nervous to go on a date after… well Canada. And the first date was good. It was. But she surprised me today, and it was scary. And I don’t know. I- I guess I’m scared that I’m going to keep going on dates and things are going to keep getting harder.” I admit, looking down at the floor.

“Well Babe,” Hope pauses, giggling a bit, “that’s kind of how it works. Every date you go on, you get a little more vulnerable, but if Lindsey is worth going on dates with at all, she’ll listen to you when you tell her that questions are too intense. But Babe?” Hope asks, waiting for a response, getting met with my big blue eyes. “That’s how you’ll know whether or not she’s worth it. If you tell her about the parts of you that make you who you are, who you really are, and she wants to love even the parts of you that aren’t all that easy to deal with, she’s worth it.” Hope explains.

“And that’s scary.” I giggle.

“Which is why it scares me!” Hope says, throwing her hands dramatically in the air.

We start laughing, which leads to playing with Harley, but we don’t get very far due to a ring of the doorbell followed by what sounds like footsteps running down the stairs. Hope and I each get up to get the door, neither of us expecting anyone, but wanting to make sure we’re each available. We race down the stairs to find that Carli has already let in the person knocking on our door: Allie. She looks like she’s almost in tears, and she takes a step forward once she sees me, which gives me a pretty good indication of what she’s here about.

“Tierna, you weren’t answering your phone. You have to let me explain.” Allie pleads.

Hope takes a single step in front of me and stands up a little straighter. “She doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do.” Hope practically growls at Allie.

“Moms’ can you give us a minute?” I ask, giving them both a reassuring look, letting them know that I can handle myself. Neither of them are pleased, but they trudge off towards the backyard, taking Harley outside to throw a tennis ball.

“Tierna, I really just need to explain what happened.” Allie insists.

“I’m so burnt out from the day. Can it wait?” I say, feeling comfortable enough with Allie to do that.

When the tears well up in her eyes, I wrap my arms around the taller athlete, immediately feeling bad about brushing her off. It’s just a few stray tears, and she’s done crying in less than a minute, but the whole ordeal shakes me enough to send me into a higher level of awareness.

“Do you want to sit down for a minute? Maybe cool off before you tell me what you’re thinking about?” I ask, suddenly happy to have the chance to take care of the girl who’s usually taking care of me. Allie nods, letting me lead her to the couch. I get her a glass of water and a granola bar that Hope thinks she’s kept hidden from me.

“Thanks Tierna. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m getting so worked up about this. I guess I just really needed to clear the air.” Allie says, taking a sip of water.

“Allie, I’m not mad really. I do want to know why you let Lindsey fly all the way here and surprise me without warning me first, and I want to know why you thought it was okay to hide on the surprise date. But I’m not mad. I’m just a little surprised. Okay?”

I muster up some emotional energy to be here for the girl who’s done nothing but be here for me when I’ve needed her. To listen to what she has to say right now, because it’s become very apparent that she needs to say it right now. 

“I didn’t want to let her surprise you. I tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn’t budge. She just went on and on about how girls love surprises and big romantic gestures.” Allie says, pausing for a sip of water. “I told her that you were different, that if she wanted to bring you your wallet herself, that she should call and ask you. By that point, she wasn’t really even listening to me anymore, she was already planning her trip. So then she started this crazy plan to surprise you, which included showing up at your doorstep with flowers and your wallet and nothing else. I was the one who talked her into meeting you at the coffee shop, which is why I agreed to tricking you into thinking you were meeting me. I figured you would rather be surprised there than in front of Hope and Carli. Does this make sense so far?” Allie asks, looking up at me, both of her eyebrows knit together.

I nod, gesturing for her to continue.

“I wanted to be there in case you reacted badly. Do you remember that panic attack that you had when we were at the soccer fields and I had to call Hope?” She asks, getting a nod from me. “I used that as a worst case scenario. I figured that if you saw her, and that was how you reacted, that you would want someone there to bail you out. Here’s where it gets complicated,” she takes a deep breath in and a deep breath out “I called Tobin to talk to her before she left, to help her iron out details. I made sure that Tobin knew to mention for her to wear perfume or cologne or something fragrant, I even went as far as making sure that Tobin checked with her to make sure she was wearing it right before the date. The reason that I had Tobin do it, was because if you were to have had a panic attack, I would have swooped in and told her it was an allergic reaction to her perfume and not a panic attack, so I couldn’t have been the one to tell her to wear the perfume. After that I would have basically carried you to my car claiming that I had an EPI pen and then really have just taken you home. I know that’s not how things worked out, but I wanted you to know that I had a plan. I wanted you to know that I’m looking out for you, I’m not just stirring things up in your life.” Allie explains.

“I think I’ve seen less detailed plans on Criminal Minds.” I giggle.

“You’re not mad?” Allie asks hopefully.

“Allie, I’m not just not mad, I’m grateful to have someone who’s willing to do all of that for me. I don’t know anyone else who would go through all of that trouble to make sure that I was going to be okay.” I admit.

“I think there are two of them outside, another one in Portland, and one more on my couch if you’ll let her be one.” Allie says, a smug look on her face.

“You think Lindsey would do something like that for me?” I ask.

“The girl flew to New York to bring you a wallet.” 

“I guess you’re right.” I blush.

“I have to go pick up some toothpaste for Lindsey before she uses all of mine, but thanks for letting me explain myself. Just give Lindsey a shot. She won’t shut up about you. I think it’s even driving my dogs crazy.” Allie says, getting up to leave.

“Really?” I muse.

“Really.” She says, turning to leave.

“Wait! Tierna?”

“Yeah?” 

“If you’re feeling up to it, let Lindsey in on some things. I think she’d understand more than you’d think.” Allie says, smiling in the doorway.

“Allie?”

“Yeah Davidson?” 

“Thank you. What you did means everything to me.” I say, hugging Allie goodbye before letting her go.

There would be scary afterthoughts, wonders of ulterior motives for Allie’s antics regarding Lindsey. Whether or not she’s done it to see me hurt in the end. All things I would brush under the rug to talk about in therapy. All things that didn’t deter me from knowing that today, although chaotic, and draining, and surprising, today was a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note: should Lindsey meet Allie and Hope as Tierna’s date on this trip, or is it too soon? Let me know if you have ideas!


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I made you guys wait so long. It’s a long chapter. Let me know what you guys think. How’s the Lindsey/Tierna pacing Good? Bad? Do you guys want more of their relationship, less of their relationship? Let me know! Also, get ready for Hope’s Academy!

I woke up early the next day to make my Moms’ breakfast in bed. I burnt Carli’s nine grain french toast, but Hopes’ regular french toast turned out pretty well. I add some fruit to each of their plates before carrying it upstairs, trailed by Harley. I walk carefully, making sure not to spill anything, my physical therapy coming in handy. Knowing that even Carli won’t be up this early, I open their door without knocking, finding them both asleep.

“Moms’?” I ask optimistically, hopeful this will turn out well.

“T-Tierna? Honey? Did you have a nightmare?” Carli asks, sitting up and wiping the sleep from her eyes.

Hope just grumbles and turns onto her back, slowly opening her eyes.

“I made you both breakfast in bed.” I offer up, setting down the tray on the end of their bed.

“Sweetheart what is this?” Carli asks, still mostly asleep.

Harley jumps up onto the bed, clearly going for the food.

“Harley.” Hope wines, while I grab her from  
up off of the bed before she can do any damage. “Sorry,” she adds, this time talking to me and not our puppy.

“Love, we had this talk the first time you did this. Just because you broke something doesn’t mean you have t-”

“I didn’t break anything. I just wanted to make you both breakfast.” I reassure her.

“French toast.” Hope slurs out, not even close to half awake. She reaches for food that she knows is there, but that she definitely takes a couple of tries to find, getting a sleepy, goofy grin on her face when her hand finally finds the french toast she was looking for.

“See, Mum likes it.” I argue, a little more smug than usual.

“It’s not that I don’t like it honey, I just want to be sure that you know that you don’t have to do things like this for us if you break something or if you feel like you’ve upset us.” Carli says, rubbing at her eyes. “That’s not the case?” She asks.

“That’s not the case.” I confirm.

This must give Carli some unknown go ahead to take a bite of her french toast, which is followed by a surprised grin appearing on her face. Something that I’m not sure if I should feel complimented or offended by. Either way, with both of my Moms’ now enjoying their breakfast, both entirely too sleepy for a conversation, I turn to leave, getting stopped by Hope before I make it to the door frame.

“Babe?”

I turn around expectantly, not sure what she has to say.

“Thank you.” She smiles, too sleepy for any of her badass persona. Just the happy Hope that I’ve come to know and love.

“Oh fuck. I can’t believe I forgot to thank you. Sweetheart come here.” The captain says, angry at herself, and even uncharacteristically swearing for uncharacteristically forgetting to thank me. 

Carli is the type of person that says thank you for even the slightest gestures. She thanks young players for carrying water bottles, and she thanks retail workers so much that I bet if she could tip them, she would. I once heard her verbally thank Harley for making me feel better. Carli’s a thankful person. So I shuffle forwards, making it clear that her thanks are unnecessary, even though I know I’ll get them anyways.

“Thank you so much little love.” Carli says, kissing my cheek. “This was the best surprise I could have asked for.”

“Anytime Mom.” I offer, turning to leave again, Harley following at my feet.

The rest of the day seems to just go by normally. I wash the dishes from my Moms’ breakfast while eating mine, slipping more of it to Harley than Carli would be happy to hear about. After that, I go for a run and do a solo ball work session at the park. It may be cold outside, but there’s something about the grass that’s just worth wearing a jacket for. I try to sneak back into the house to shower, to not make it known that I practiced outside instead of at Hope’s brand new gym. Don’t get me wrong, I love it there, I just like the park a little bit more when I have to train by myself. I successfully go unnoticed by Hope and Carli while sneaking back in, shower, and have extra time to do a few loads of laundry before lunch. 

I turn on an old recorded La Liga game, which Hope saunters in for, automatically turning into a secondary commentator on a game that’s already been played. While I eat my sandwich, she’s clearly missing live soccer, even though she’ll have a team to coach in less than a week. Even Harley is finding her yelling somewhat amusing, her tail wagging when she shouts at the TV. Carli walks through to ask me to pick a few things up from the store towards the end of the game, getting shouted at by Hope for blocking the game. Hope tells her that I’ll do it once the game is over before I even have a chance to respond. 

Hope offers to go with me to the store, but I tell her to take Harley for a walk instead, which is unfortunately something she has to follow through on since I said it outloud in front of her. I, on the other hand, head to the store for detergent, bananas, and Harley’s food. All things we don’t exactly function well without. I grab a few things she didn’t ask for too though. Like the ice cream she once told me she liked. I’ll never tell her that I bought it for her, I’ll just let her find it in the freezer and be happy that it’s there.

By the time I get home, I’ve got two new messages, both Becky asking if I now have the time to help her set up a streaming service. I put the ice cream in the freezer before calling her, knowing that this will most likely take up the rest of my night. By the time that I’ve explained that Hulu has the Premier League and the Bundesliga, but not La Liga or Ligue 1, Becky is about as done with me as I am with the off-season. A few quick google searches later, and I found a way to get her Hulu for the Premier League, the Bundesliga, and her documentaries, while also getting her a Sling account for La Liga games. She only really needed to be basically talked through it, she’s not that old, just needed a set of younger eyes. After I’ve helped her sign in, she hangs up the call, wanting nothing to do with me and everything to do with the whole section of documentaries on Hulu. 

So now, I’m sitting on my bed, bored, with essentially nothing to do. I play with the idea of going to the movies by myself, but that seems sad. So instead I reach out to Allie, knowing that she’s probably sat playing video games in her apartment. My stomach doesn’t exactly drop when she calls me after getting my text, but it’s not something she’s ever done before. It’s not something I know how to pick up the phone for, but I do it regardless of my discomfort.

“Um, is something wrong?” I ask, my voice unnaturally high.

“I don’t want to say that anything is wrong, but I do have a very whiny Lindsey on my couch.” Allie quips, offering absolutely no explanation. When I don’t fill the silence she’s created, she does it for me. “You didn’t call. You didn’t text either. What you’re not getting about Lindsey, is that she’s treating you like someone who hasn’t been through what you’ve been through, because she doesn’t know. She flew halfway across the country to have coffee with you, and now she’s on my couch, it’s been a day, and you’ve said nothing. She’s giving you the space to say something.”

I guess my heart should have dropped to my stomach.

“She’s mad?” I ask, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice.

“She’s not mad. I think she’s upset.” Allie takes a pause, her breath hitching. “You have to understand that in her eyes, she made this big romantic gesture, and you haven’t even called.” Allie says.

“Allie?” I whimper, on the verge of tears at the thought of hurting Lindsey.

“Yeah?”

“Is this fixable?” I ask, honestly unsure.

“Oh Tierna. Pookie this is so fixable. Can I tell you how I would go about fixing it?” Allie asks carefully, sensing just how upset I am.

Once I realize that she can’t see that I’m physically nodding, I stutter out a quick “Yes.”

“If it were me, I would reach out to her tonight and I would ask her to dinner. And somewhere nice too, take her into the city if possible. I know that dating is really hard after being sexually assaulted, but this would be date three, and at some point you have to exhale and be you around her, and maybe this could be it? You could try working up to telling her why you get anxious sometimes. The most important part is just doing what feels right.” Allie explains.

“Allie I-,” I sniffle, trying my best not to cry even with the aching in my chest. “I like her. I like Lindsey a lot. B-but what if she doesn’t want me anymore once. well.” I say, struggling to finish the sentence.

“Once what?”

“Once she knows?” 

“Tierna, the girl that we’re talking about has spent the past two days on my couch talking exclusively about you. And she’s admitting that she doesn’t know everything that there is to know about you, but goddamn she wants to. And I don’t think that there’s anyone out there who would support you more than she would, okay?” Allie reassures.

“Allie, she’s going to think I’m damaged goods. I am damaged goods. She should be with someone who knows that they’re supposed to call, and who finds her flying all the way to New York romantic.”

“Have you ever thought about the prospect, that if you told her, maybe she would call? She would never put the pressure on you to call? And if you told her, she would never fly to New York without telling you again. Maybe instead she would tell you she’s coming, but bring you something little as a surprise instead? Tierna I’m not going to tell you that you have to tell her everything, but I think you should think about it, okay? And you definitely have to ask her to dinner.” Allie says, insisting on dinner.

“I can do dinner.” I say, still not convinced on the rest of it, but her speech has challenged my thinking enough to seriously think about it.

“Good. I told Lindsey I was going for a walk so that I could take this call and not worry about her hearing what I have to say. Do you want me to stay away from my apartment for another few minutes so that you can call her to ask her to dinner?” Allie asks, knowing that if I don’t do it now, I might lose my nerve.

“That might be a good idea. Thanks Allie.” I say, listening to her last minute pieces of advice before hanging up and dialing a new number. 

Calling Lindsey is stressful enough that I have to get up and pace around my room to do it, and with each ring, I get gradually more nervous. She picks up by the fourth ring, a nervous “Hello,” breaking the ice.

“Lindsey?” I ask nervously, as if I’ve accidentally misdialed. The minute it comes out of my mouth I feel stupid, but I’m too nervous to not make mistakes like that.

“Yeah?” She asks, not bothered at all, so it seems.

“Do you want to go to dinner with me? In New York? Like the city?” I ask, my heart racing way faster than I care to admit.

“I would like that.” She says, a voice that I don’t think I could get tired of hearing.

“Great!” Is apparently all I can think of saying. It’s then followed by silence, that I know that I’m supposed to fill, but can’t think of anything to fill it with.

“When?” Is Lindsey’s one word question that makes me want to face palm.

“Um. How about tomorrow night?” I ask, knowing that my schedule is flexible until Hope’s Academy tryouts.

“Tomorrow is great. What time?” She follows up.

“I’ll pick you up at six fifteen and we can drive to the city to be there at seven?” I ask, knowing that she’s free all day, every day.

“That sounds great. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Goodnight Lindsey.” I say, hanging up the phone.

Within five minutes, I’ve already gotten a text from Lindsey that says that I’ve already apparently fixed the situation. It dulls the ache in my stomach, and slightly helps with the uncertainty I have about tomorrow’s dinner date. It doesn’t dull the anxiety though, which I do my best to sleep through, but only slightly succeed. 

The following day, it doesn’t escape me that this time, I won’t have Becky to help me get ready, and I’m not going on a date I’m being ambushed for. Allie will be helping Lindsey get ready, which leaves me to get ready all by myself. Either that or let Carli or Hope help me get ready. There are about two hours before I have to pick Lindsey up, meaning that I have two hours to pick out an outfit, and do my hair and makeup. All on top of mentally preparing for whatever tonight may bring.

When I open my closet door, there isn’t a single thing that looks date-appropriate. I have the dress clothes that I bought for meeting with lawyers, and the two dresses I have from high school, but neither seem appropriate to wear on a date with the girl that I think I want to tell my story to. I end up going for a simple black dress I bought for meetings. It might not be as date friendly as I might have hoped, but it will have to work for now. I lay the outfit down on my bed before heading downstairs, wanting to talk to my Moms’ before I leave. Hope is play-wrestling with Harley over a sock she’s stolen from her closet, and Carli is trying to watch the news, but watching Hope and the dog much more intently.

“I’m uh, I’m going out with Lindsey in a couple of hours.” I admit from the stairs.

“Why didn’t you tell us earlier?” Hope asks, holding back some aggression.

“Well, I um, I only just asked her last night.” I tell them, fidgeting with the bannister. “Are you mad?”

“No, little love, we are not mad.” Carli says, looking mostly at Hope. “Do you need help getting ready? Or help getting a reservation somewhere nice?” She adds.

My eyes go wide and my heart sinks to my stomach. I completely forgot to get a reservation, and I’ll be picking up my date in less than two hours. 

“So yes to both then?” Carli laughs, seeing the expression on my face.

I nod embarrassed.

“Alright Hope, call Josh and get them a reservation at Jean-Georges. Once that’s taken care of, meet us upstairs to help us get ready.” Carli orders, already making her way up to meet me where I’m at on the stairs. “Now show me what you’re planning on wearing my love.” she adds, letting me lead her to my room.

Carli likes the dress, but insists on letting me borrow a pair of her heels, regardless of the fact that I can’t walk in them. I advocate for a jean jacket I’ve owned since I was fourteen, but by then, Hope is in the room, agreeing with Carli that a sweater I picked up for Toronto is a better fit. I grumble with my complaints but accept the sweater and wonder if maybe for our next date, Lindsey and I can go shopping. 

Once Carli has forced me to add earrings, she and Hope make me try on the whole outfit. Neither one of them says anything immediately after I let them back in the room, Carli just stands there with her hands over her mouth, and Hope just kind of stands there.

“You look like your Mom.” Hope says after a minute has gone by.

“Mum, you've never seen what my biological Mom looks like.” I say, feeling a little thrown off by what Hope said, a little hurt even.

“Not your biological Mom. Your real Mom. You look like your real Mom did when we first started dating.” Hope says, no indication of sarcasm detectable.

“Really?” I ask, a little shocked.

“It’s not perfect, but it’s there.” Carli says.

Something about that makes me feel a little bit prouder to be me. It also makes it easier when they tell me to take off my date outfit so that they can do my makeup. Hope insists on eyeliner, which I agree to as long as she makes it as small as she possibly can. Carli then proceeds to do the biggest mascara she possibly can, while Hope messes around with foundation and blush, this time really putting on a minimal amount. All the while they’re telling me that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do, and that if Lindsey tries anything that they’ll personally ensure that the rest of her life will be hell.

By six I’ve convinced Hope that I really do have to go if I want to make it to the store to pick up flowers for Lindsey before picking her up. She reluctantly gives me the address of the restaurant she got me a reservation at, which I thank her profusely for. After that, I hug both her and Carli and promise each of them that I won’t be home too late. Neither of them look pleased to see me off, but they smile and nod anyways.

I get gas and pick up roses for Lindsey, thinking that they might be basic, but they are the classiest flower. All that’s left now is the drive to Allie’s apartment before my date with Lindsey truly begins, which is both terrifying and exciting all at the same time. I turn off the radio, needing this time to center myself and make sure that I’m mentally prepared for whatever may come from tonight. 

When I cut the engine, I think about sending a simple text that says ‘here,’ but I decide to be just as good to her as she’s been to me instead. I grab the flowers from my front seat and I make my way to the door, ringing the bell and waiting for her to open it. You can imagine my surprise when it’s not Lindsey who opens it, but instead a very smug Allie.

“This is exactly what I was talking about. She’ll love this. She’s getting ready right now, but she should be done in like thirty seconds.” Allie insists, her eyes darting down the hall to the bathroom Lindsey’s occupying.

“Jean-Georges. I got a reservation at Jean-Georges. Hope told me it’s across the street from Central Park.” I say nervously, waiting for approval from Allie.

“That’s perfect. Buy her dinner, and then take her for a walk in Central Park, okay?” Allie asks.

I don’t have a chance to respond to Allie, because Lindsey walks down the hallway in a red jumper. I think she asked how she looks, but honestly, I’m not sure I’m breathing. Allie slaps me on the back, so now I definitely know that she asked me how she looks, but unfortunately for me, I have to think of a word. None of the words that come to mind are doing her justice.

“Lindsey, you look absolutely beautiful.” I manage to say without stuttering.

Lindsey blushes, before she notices the roses in my hands. She just sort of points at them, silently asking if they’re for her. My awkwardness definitely returns as I give them to her, I just sort of thrust them at her with full speed. 

“I got you flowers too.” She admits, going to get a bouquet of daisies from off of the counter. 

“They’re beautiful. Thank you.” I say, not entirely sure what I should do with them. 

Allie offers to put both of them in water, offering to take mine to Carli’s house while I’m on my date. I agree, tossing her my house key and telling her to leave it under a specific rock for when I get home. 

With that, Lindsey and I are off on our date. She tries to open the driver's seat door for me, but I lock the car before she can get there. This time, I open the door for her, and she’ll just have to live with that. Once we’re both in the car with the engine turned on and the GPS going, Lindsey and I talk about our days. Apparently Allie’s a considerate roommate, but a loud one too. I like listening to her talk about her day. Something about it is soothing. She asks about my day and laughs at how sleepy Hope reacts to breakfast in bed. Conversations with her are starting to feel more comfortable, and I know that I could definitely get used to them. 

Lindsey insists that she doesn’t mind walking to the restaurant from where I’ve parked, and in her shoes, I wouldn’t mind either, but part of me really hopes that she asks me to find parking a little closer to the restaurant just because of the heels I’m wearing. We walk through Central Park briskly, wanting to be on time for our reservation. I only stumble once, and I’m able to play it off like I meant for it to happen, so I’d call the date up until now a success.

“I think I have a reservation for two at seven, under Davidson?” I ask nervously, after having beaten Lindsey to the door to open it for her.

We’re then seated in the window, looking out at all of the people of New York walking through Central Park. Our waiter hands us each a menu and a glass of water before asking if we’d like anything to drink, leaving us be when we say we’re alright with just water. Lindsey and I awkwardly try to pick the conversation back up, but struggle a bit, just not entirely sure what to say.

“Tell me a secret?” Lindsey finally asks. A question that makes me panic.

“In my first year at Stanford, I used to try to channel Kelley O’hara energy before every game.” I admit before I really even have a chance to think about it. “I know she was a forward when she went there, I just always wanted to live up to her legacy.”

“Considering that you play alongside her, I’d say you’re doing pretty well.” Lindsey says, taking a sip of water.

“Are you going to tell me one?” I laugh, completely joking.

“When I played for PSG, I used to think about what it would be like to be in college after every game.” Lindsey deadpans, not quite happy, but not outright sad either.

“Do you regret going pro out of high school?”

“I think it made me a stronger player, but I also think there are probably some things I missed out on as a person.” She admits.

It’s right at that moment that our waiter comes to take our orders. We each order quickly, returning to our conversation once we’ve put in our orders. We bounce back and forth from being serious to laughing with each other, Lindsey making me laugh so hard that we’re even getting looks from  
people at other tables, but I ignore it. Right now, the only opinion I care about is hers, and she doesn’t seem to mind.

Once we’ve finished our food, I signal to our waiter, asking him if he could bring us our check. When he informs me that someone named “Hope Solo” already paid for our meal, I’m both surprised, and just a little bit fired up. I thank him anyways though, it’s not his fault that Hope paid for my date. I ask Lindsey if she’d like to take a walk, and she takes my hand, leading me towards Central park.

“What was that all about?” Lindsey asks, referring to the bill.

“I don’t really know.” I sigh. “I think she’s trying to send a message that she’s supportive after she was very protective over me with learning that you’re now in the picture.” I admit.

“That’s not so bad is it? I know you’d rather have her talk to you about it than try to buy her way out of it, but the gesture was nice.” 

“You don’t think it made me look like a kid who can’t pay for dates?” I ask shyly.

“Tierna, you’re a kid who can very much pay for dates.” Lindsey says, winking at me.

I blush a little bit, feeling a bit better about Hope’s gesture. I still think I’ll pay her back for it. I’m just glad that Lindsey doesn’t think it makes me look any lesser. 

All of the sudden I find myself rather cold. I try not to let it show on my face or my body, but I start shivering involuntarily. Before I can see what she’s doing, Lindsey has taken off her jacket to put on me. Before Lindsey can even try to surprise me by getting a single one of my arms through one of the sleeves, I’m having a full fledged panic attack, right here, in the middle of Central Park.

“Tierna?” She asks, getting met with nothing but my hyperventilation and panicked eyes refusing to make eye contact. “Tierna, I don’t know what to do. I can call Hope, or Carli, or Allie, or even Becky, but none of them can physically be here within the next five minutes.” She says, starting to panic herself. “Tierna, baby, what can I do to help? Please let me help you.” She says, her eyes wider than mine.

I don’t say anything, and I don’t move, I just hyperventilate and panic, right in the middle of my date with Lindsey. She doesn’t seem to know exactly what’s happening, but she does know that whatever’s happening is bad. She looks just as helpless as I feel. Somehow though, while I try to go through my grounding exercise that Carli usually does with me, I do something without really even thinking about it. I grab both of Lindsey’s forearms, pulling her closer to me, asking her to wrap me up.

“Tierna, are you sure?” She asks, not getting any sort of response. Instead I just step into her arms, not capable of verbally saying anything, but wanting the contact. She squeezes my rib cage as if she thinks that if she can hold it tightly enough, my lungs will magically regulate themselves. I try to ground myself, but I can feel my breathing picking up speed. “Baby, if your breathing doesn’t slow down I’m going to have to take you to the hospital. You’re going to pass out. Please just breathe. Please, please be okay.” Lindsey desperately pleads.

“Li-ndsey.” I cry out, my voice cracking in the middle. Luckily for me, as my tears start falling, my breathing starts to even out. I’m having a full-body cry in Lindsey’s arms, in the middle of Central Park.

“Baby, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay.” Lindsey says, continuing to whisper little affirmations in my ears as I cry in her arms.

“Sorry.” I whisper after a while, trying to wipe a stray tear from my eye. I take half of a step back, still in Lindsey’s arms, trying my best to keep it together. Lindsey herself doesn’t seem to want to let me out of her arms. 

“Don’t apologize, but can you tell me what’s happening right now baby?” Lindsey asks, her eyes very concerned.

“Can we go for-r a drive? I ask, my voice a little shakier than I’d like.

Lindsey doesn’t say anything, she just shows me her hand, silently asking if I’d like to hold it. I take her hand, starting to try to shuffle back to my car. Lindsey goes to wrap her arm around my shoulder, but stops just before it makes contact, shows me her arm, and then makes contact. I feel awful about having freaked her out, but the length that she’s going to just to make me feel comfortable. I stop at the curb my car is parked at, and I get the keys out of my bag, tossing them up once in my hand before looking at Lindsey, asking her to take them. She catches them and gets in the driver’s seat without any questions, much more curious to know what was happening just a moment ago. She starts my car, driving it for the second time in just three dates.

“It was a panic attack.” I admit after a long silence.

“Okay.” Lindsey says, her face contorting. “I kind of know what a panic attack is, but can you explain what they are for you specifically, just so that I know?” She asks, her genuineness almost overwhelming.

“For me, my whole brain gets foggy. So I can’t really think about anything, I just feel like I’m in a situation where nothing is ever going to be okay again. My chest gets tight, and my breathing gets really fast like you saw. Sometimes I cry afterwards, but that doesn’t always happen.” I explain, feeling so embarrassed, my eyes focused on my lap.

“Why do you have them?” Lindsey asks gently, making a turn onto the highway, presumably driving back towards home.

“Lindsey?” I ask, looking at her while she looks at the road.

“Tierna?” She asks, traces of concern re-entering her voice as she makes eye contact just for a split second.

“I know this is only date three, but I need to know that if I start telling you about the things that make me, well, me, that you aren’t going to get on a flight back to Portland and pretend like we never meant anything.” I say, feeling more vulnerable than I have in a very long time.

“Tierna, I was already thinking about changing my flight to stay here longer. I don’t think that there’s anything you could say that would make me want to leave you. Okay? But I will tell you that I am worried about you. Is there anything I can do to make this easier?” She asks, trying to look at me as often as she can without crashing my car.

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. It’s that I know that living with it myself is hard enough, and I’m worried that if I tell you, you aren’t going to like me anymore.” I admit.

“Baby.” Lindsey giggles, the pet name that’s just emerged tonight already giving me a fuzzy feeling in my chest. “Just hearing that there’s something that you’re finding hard to live with, is making me sad. I know it’s been three dates, and I want to give you the space you need to be able to feel safe to share things with me, but if you feel comfortable, I want to be able to carry whatever this is with you.” Lindsey says.

“I freaked out in the park, because I couldn’t see you coming with the jacket. Lindsey I-” I stutter, trying to think of a way to tell her about the worst day of my life. “Do you remember our Canada game at Concacaf?”

“Pinoe goal, 1-0?” Lindsey asks.

“I was first in the locker room. First to shower, first to change. A man that worked in the stadium that day grabbed me as I was leaving the locker room and told me he was the part of the Canadian team's administration. He took me to a conference room down the hall, locked the door, and- and-” I say, trying to finish the statement, but getting a little too teary for words. “Lindsey, he- he raped me. And that’s why I fr-freaked out when I-I didn’t see you coming with the jacket, because I still get jumpy when I c-can’t see that people are going to touch me before they actually touch me.” I admit, crying just a little bit. “I know I’m damaged. I know that you might not want me anymore because of that and that’s okay. But L-Linds, it’s the truth.” I tell her, desperately hoping that she still wants me, despite telling her that it’s okay if she doesn’t. 

“Tierna,” Lindsey says, choked up and trying not to cry, “I have a lot to say, but I need you to hear this first.” She says, taking a ragged breath. “I would never, ever leave you because of that. It’s not your fault that happened to you, and anyone who ever led you to believe that it was is wrong.” She says, looking to me expectantly, waiting for at least a nod before she continues. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I don’t ever want to be the one to cause you to have a panic attack again. Okay? So we’re going to have a long conversation about what’s okay and what’s not okay so that what happened tonight never happens again. Not tonight obviously, but soon, okay?” She asks, earning a nod from me.

“I’m so sorry that I was the one who caused you that pain and sent you back to that place of fear. If you’ll let me, I want to help you carry this. Whether that be someone to talk to about what happened, or just sitting with you when you have really, really bad days and don’t feel like talking much at all. Or maybe even taking you out to parking lots to break dishes with baseball bats. But if you’ll let me, I want to be a part of your life, your whole life, the ups and the downs.” Lindsey says, turning off of the highway.

“Are you sure?” I ask quietly. “I’m not exactly the most put together person right now.” I admit, wanting to be completely transparent with her.

“There have been a lot of people in my life that I’ve been halfway into. That I’ve enjoyed going to movies with, but not going grocery shopping with. Or that I’ve liked some qualities about, but there’s been that one thing that’s just bugged me too much to handle. There isn’t a single thing I would change about you, and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t want to do with you. A day full of taxes, and dentist appointments, and learning calculus sounds like the greatest day ever- as long as it’s a day spent with you. Nothing you shared tonight changes that. It does mean that we have to have a few conversations, and I’ll certainly change a few of my behaviors. I’ll certainly never fly out as a surprise again. Allie being adamant about me not doing that makes sense now, assuming that she knows?” Lindsey asks, getting a nod from me. “But Tierna, nothing you said tonight makes me think any lesser of you.”

“You promise?” I ask, feeling just a little insecure.

“I promise.” Allie swears, raising her right hand.

I smile, wiping at my cheeks.

“I’ll be honest. I’d take you home, but after causing you to have a panic attack, I really want to take care of you a bit, cuddle you, love on you.” Lindsey says, not asking a question exactly, but heavily implying that she’d like to take me back to Allie’s.

“I’d have to text my Moms’ to make sure they know I won’t be home tonight.” I say, a little sheepish at the thought of spending the night with Lindsey, even with Allie being there.

“If you’re uncomfortable with it, I’ll take you home. Don’t let me pressure you into anything.” She says, starting to drive towards Carli’s house.

“No, let’s go to Allie’s.” I say, trying to be confident, but the confidence coming up short.

That’s all Lindsey needs to hear to drive my car to Allie’s, letting me text Carli and Hope while she does. Neither Hope or Carli are pleased at first, but once they learn that Allie will be home, they’re a lot happier with my decision. Lindsey’s still looking at me with concern every so often, even as she parks the car. She opens my door for me, locking my car before she opens the door to Allie’s apartment, revealing Allie playing Call of Duty in pajamas.

“Hey Allie, it’s cool if Tierna stays over right? She had a rough night.” Lindsey asks, not really caring about the answer, knowing that I’ll be staying either way.

“T? What happened?” Allie asks, pausing her game to pet her dogs and pay attention to me.

“I’m going to go get her some pajamas for the night, I’ll be right back.” Lindsey says, disappearing down the hall.

Once she’s gone, I sit down next to Allie, looking to tell her just how worried I am about having ruined things with Lindsey.

“I had a panic attack.”

“What happened?” Allie fires back.

“She tried to put her jacket on me and I couldn’t see her coming.” I tell her. “I told Lindsey that I was sexually assaulted at Concacaf while we were in the car. She said she wanted to bring me back here take care of me but what if she just brought me back here to break up with me?” I ask, panicked again.

“Then I’ll kick her ass.” Allie says nonchalantly. “In all seriousness though, I’m telling you, Lindsey probably just does want to take care of you and make sure that you’re okay for the night. If I’m being honest, you don’t look too good T.” Allie says, pulling out her phone to show me what I look like in the front facing camera. 

“Alright babe, I brought you pajamas, and I laid out the makeup wipes in the bathroom for you.” Lindsey says, having reappeared from down the hall.

“Thank you.” I say, accepting them awkwardly.

I’m not quite sure what feels better, taking off the clothes I wore on the date, or putting on Lindsey’s pajamas. The date clothes were just so uncomfortable, but Lindsey’s pajamas smell like her, and they’re soft which is always a bonus. After I’m done changing, I wipe of my makeup, which is very smeared from all of the crying that was done tonight. Maybe if Lindsey’s seen me like this, and she still likes me, then she is going to stick around.

When I walk back out to the living room, Lindsey’s made me tea, and set up blankets on the couch for me. She insists that the tea will be good for my chest, and the blankets are just good for my wellbeing in general. She waits for me to settle in before she stands awkwardly over me, waiting to see if I’ll let her sit with me, or if she’ll have to sit on the chair next to me. 

“Lay with me?” I ask, wanting to lay with her as much as I think she wants to lay with me.

She climbs behind me, insisting on being my big spoon. One of Allie’s dogs lays at our feet, something that I’m sure is bugging Allie as she’s getting ready to get in her own bed.

“This is okay, right?” Lindsey asks nervously.

“This is okay. I promise. I like being held, I just have to know that I’m going to be touched, before I’m actually touched.” I say, and Lindsey looks like she might actually pull out a pen and paper to take notes.

“Is there anything that would make you feel better? We can watch a movie or something.” Lindsey offers.

I am absolutely emotionally exhausted, but I decide to make one last vulnerable request of her before the night ends. “After I have panic attacks I get really tired, but I have a really hard time sleeping. Would- would you mind talking to me while I fall asleep?” I ask, my head turned to look up at her.

“I can do that.” She says, starting to tell me stories of her childhood in Colorado.

I fall asleep in Lindsey’s arms, on Allie’s tiny couch. A less than perfect night ending up being special in it’s own way.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I miss the challenge cup.

Waking up on Allie’s couch to Lindsey’s arm lazily thrown around me and the sound of her light snore is not where I thought that I would be this morning, at least had you asked me twenty four hours ago. A sense of dread kicks in as I remember all of the events of last night, but somehow, as I look at the empty cup of tea she made me, and the pajamas that she insisted I wear for the night, it dulls ever so slightly. She and I both know that there are conversations to be had about what happened last night. However instead of forcing me to talk about it, she brings me to Allie’s to cuddle and drink tea? How did I get so lucky?

“You’re thinking too loud.” Lindsey says, yawning in the middle.

“I woke you up?” I ask, feeling guilty about inconveniencing this girl yet again.

“No. Now cuddle with me for a minute before we go get smoothies.” Lindsey says, showing me that she’s repositioning herself before she actually does it, giving me time to react. I nuzzle in, a fuzzy feeling emerging in my chest.

I practically have to drag Lindsey off of the couch to go get smoothies, and I definitely have to drive. She says she’s awake enough to drive my car to the coffee shop we like and back, but the amount of yawning she’s doing is too concerning for me to risk it. I take us to Carli’s favorite coffee place as Lindsey all but falls asleep in my passenger’s seat. She’s apparently awake enough to cock her head at me in confusion when I order three smoothies in the drive through instead of two, which makes me giggle a little bit.

“We kind of barged in on Allie and insisted that I was spending the night last night. The least we can do is bring her a smoothie.” I explain.

“That makes sense.” Lindsey mumbles before laying her head back down on the headrest, not even bothering to fight me for the right to pay for the smoothies. 

Once I’ve secured all three smoothies, I hand Lindsey hers, letting her drink it while she’s slowly starting to wake up. I turn back towards Allie’s apartment, ready to take her home before likely taking myself home. I feel guilty as hell about last night, but Lindsey spends the whole ride to Allie’s looking at me with a grin on her face and a hazy spark in her eyes. I don’t know what to do about this girl, really I don’t.

When I pull up in front of Allie’s, Lindsey doesn’t jump to open the door like she usually does. She takes a long drink of her smoothie, and then she just looks at me with her big eyes. I turn off the car, but I don’t move either, I just lay my head back on the headrest and maintain eye contact.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” I ask, genuinely curious.

“I’m just thinking about you.” Lindsey says, halfway between a daydream and reality.

“I have to take you inside. Allie’s smoothie is melting.” I say, not entirely sure how else I could have responded to that.

“I don’t really want you to leave yet.” Lindsey admits, her voice a little small.

“I know. But I think you need a nap, and I need to go convince Carli and Hope that you didn’t kidnap me.” I say with a smile.

Lindsey immediately gets up and out of the car, making her way to Allie’s front door. I follow her all the way, handing her Allie’s smoothie for her to deliver. I say a quick goodbye before turning to leave, before being stopped by a disappointed Lindsey.

“Can I have a kiss before you go?” Lindsey asks hopefully.

“I haven’t brushed my teeth yet today.” I say, not wanting to kiss her with my morning breath mouth.

She pouts in a way that I just can’t deny. So I do what anyone would do, and I take a single step forward, I cup her face with both hands, and I kiss her goodbye.

“Sorry about my morning breath.” I giggle, walking away.

“Can I call you?” She asks as I walk away.

I almost come to a stand still in the middle of the street, instead stopping at my car.

“Linds, of course you can call. I’ll see you again soon, okay?”

“Okay.”

By the time my car is parked in the driveway of Carli’s house, I’ve already gotten a text from Allie, thanking me for the smoothie and asking me for more details about the date. I know that as soon as I enter that house, Allie will become the least of my worries. At this point, most rational people would opt to get out of their cars and face their Mothers’. I don’t. I decide to lean the seat back in my car back, turn on my jazz playlist, and think about what the hell I'm going to say to Hope and Carli when I finally decide to go inside the house. I’m two songs and half of a well formed argument in before Hope is tapping on my window, having actually left the house to come out to my car to get me. I fix my seat and roll my window down, hoping for the best.

“Can I help you?” I ask, feigning innocence.

“You sure can!” Hope says in a faux enthusiastic voice that scares the hell out of me. “You can tell me what the hell you’ve been doing all night, and whether or not I need to kill your girlfriend.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.” I defend weakly.

“Not helping. Get your ass inside before I call your Mom out here to help me.” Hope threatens lightly.

I don’t need to be told this twice. I open the door and follow Hope inside to where Carli is waiting in the living room. Hope just points at the spot on the couch where I’m supposed to sit down, too angry for words right now. There’s a giant bump in my throat. I can’t stand how upset I’ve made my Moms’.

“Do you want to explain what happened last night honey?” Carli asked, per usual, calmer than Hope.

“I-I just. I’m so sorry.” I say, breaking into tears much earlier than anticipated.

Usually it would be Carli who jumps to help me, but this time, it’s Hope. She pulls me onto her lap, putting a hand on the back of my head and pulling it to her shoulder. She lets me cry it out, whispering whatever she can think of saying into my ear. Carli rubs my back, and is probably coaching Hope over my shoulder on what to say. After I cry it out Carli hands me a tissue, letting me dry off my face.

“Sorry.” I say, apologizing for the second time this morning.

“Kid, I probably came on a little strong. I didn’t mean to threaten you or Lindsey as harshly as I did. I’m not going to kill her unless she laid a hand on you. That being said, you surprised us last night when you decided to stay with her out of the blue. Can you explain to us what that was about?” Hope asks, this time much calmer.

“Can you promise you won’t get mad?” I ask nervously, trying to hide my face from both of them.

“We can’t do that little love. I can’t promise that we won’t be mad if Lindsey did something that put you in an uncomfortable situation. But, we can promise that we can react calmly, and that we’ll both handle things civilly.” Carli says, including the “both” largely for Hope’s sake.

“I had a panic attack last night. She wanted to take me to Allie’s to make sure I was okay.” I mumble, wishing I could somehow make myself smaller, curling more and more into Hope after admitting that.

“Love? Can you tell me why you had a panic attack last night?” Carli asks gently.

“I-I can’t. You’re going to be mad at her, and it’s not her fault!” I say, trying to disappear into Hope’s shoulder, at least until she flat out jumps up off of the couch.

“I knew it! I’ll kill her!” Hope says, her eyes angrier than I’ve ever seen them before.

“Hope, sit your ass down on this couch.” Carli snarls. “Little love, I’m sorry, your Mum and I love you so much that we would do anything to protect you. Can you tell us why you think we’re going to be mad at Lindsey?” Carli asks gently.

“She was trying to be nice to me. It was my fault.”

“Love, what happened. It’s okay.” Carli soothes, trying to get an answer.

“I was cold. She was trying to give me her jacket, but I couldn’t see that she was trying to put it on me, so when she- when she touched my ribs- I. I had a panic attack. But it wasn’t her fault! She did everything she could.” I say, trying to defend Lindsey.

“Honey, I don’t think your Mum or I are going to get mad at Lindsey for something like that.”

“Kiddo, I wish that she would have just handed you the jacket, but I’m not mad at Lindsey for trying to do something nice for you, even if it did backfire.” Hope says, biting her jaw, clearly a little mad.

“You’re not mad?” I ask, starting to make eye contact with them.

“It depends. What did you two do all night at Allie’s?” Hope deadpans.

“She made me tea and set out makeup wipes in the bathroom because I had cried most of mine off. Sorry Moms’ I know you worked hard on that. But she cuddled with me and asked if I needed anything just about every ten minutes. She told me stories while I fell asleep, and that’s it, I promise.” I swear to my Moms’ who are each listening very closely.

“And that’s it?” Carli asks.

“And that was it.” I promise once again.

“I haven’t met her yet, but I think I like her.” Carli says, nodding with approval.

“Carli, you’ve known her for years. She once shot you in the forehead with a nerf gun at camp. This is not the first time I’ve had to threaten to kick Lindsey Horan’s ass.” Hope says, her arms raised dramatically.

“I know, but I meant for Tierna. I’ve never met her as Tierna’s girlfriend, but I think I like her as Tierna’s girlfriend.” Carli says, starting to converse with Hope as if I’m not even in the room.

“She’s not my girlfriend. Yet, at least.” I admit, saying the last part as quietly as I possibly can.

“She flew out to New York to bring you a wallet as a surprise, and neither of you are seeing other people. She’s your girlfriend whether you two are calling it that or not.” Hope says snarkily.

“Well then, I’m going to go take a shower and then maybe a nap. Sharing a couch with someone who may or may not be my girlfriend is nice, but it’s not exactly restful.” I say, heading upstairs.

“okay, just don’t forget about tryouts tonight.” Hope calls after me, reminding me about coaching for her Academy.

I hadn’t forgotten about tryouts, but I would be lying if I said that I had remembered that they were tonight. Before I get in the shower I send Lindsey a text to let her know that I have Hope’s Academy tryouts, but that if she has more questions she needs answered, that tomorrow is a good day. She immediately texts back, agreeing to see me tomorrow and asking if I’m alright. I swoon at how considerate she is, and tell her I’m alright, not wanting her to worry. 

After I get out of the shower, I text Lindsey back one more time, telling her that maybe tomorrow we can play soccer at Hope's Academy since it’ll be empty. She’s thrilled, but before I can respond again, Hope is yelling to me to get dressed for tryouts. I quickly put on joggers and a tee shirt, putting a sweatshirt with Hope’s Academy logo on it. I run down the stairs, hoping that I’m not late yet. Both Carli and Hope are waiting by the door, keys in hand. 

“Mum, I’m coaching the second team?” I ask, sitting besides her, almost shouting as she screams the words to the Backstreet Boys song on the radio. 

“Yep. I’ve got the first team.” She says before jumping right back into the song.

I buzz in my seat, excited to leave the sport in a better place than where I found it. Our car is the very first car in the parking lot, leaving me to wonder just how early we are, and just how much setup we have to do before tryouts start. Hope lets me know that there should be three waves of tryouts based on age, youngest to oldest. With the youngest going first, there’s minimal setup for the first wave. 

The coaches don’t show up much before the kids do, the youngest being just about eight. They come in with their labeled water bottles and backpacks, struggling to get in juggles as a warmup. Hope works with the coaches for the younger kids during their tryouts, but I just sit by the sidelines, waiting until it’s time to set up for the next round of kids.

I like the second wave of kids. They’re old enough that they’re snarky, but not old enough to have the technique that the high school kids have. I watch Hope help the coaches score them all, more than half of them just thrilled to be in the same room with Hope Solo. If they’re anything like me, they’ll get used to it.

For the third round of kids, Hope hands me a clipboard, showing me which kids I’m supposed to be watching and what I’m scoring them on. She tells me to keep in mind which kids I want for my team, knowing that I’m running the seco team. I thank her before she runs off to hand someone else a clipboard and a pen, probably explaining the same things.

We don’t score the kids on how they warmup individually, but I am watching them. Some of them pass with each other, others using the wall as a rebounder. A couple of kids look like they’d rather be trying out for a juggling freestyle team than for an actual soccer team, with more juggling tricks than your average around the world. Some kids just stretch and drink water. 

When Hope starts explaining the drills, I start paying serious attention. Dribbling is up first with lines of cone dribbling. The kids have no idea, but I’ve been asked to move them as they go based on how fast they can weave through the cones, and then write it down. After that there’s straightforward passing drills, all of us deciding not to throw anything too complicated at them on the first night. With passing done, we break them up by position to assess their technical skills as players. That being said, Hope points me out to a group of about thirty defenders, meaning that I'm to assess their defending skills. One by one, I make them one on one against me, seeing if they can make the tackle or not. I run a few more drills by them, seeing just how secure each defender would be in a back line.

Once each player has been assessed on their individual skills, Hope has built in time to run twenty minute scrimmages as the last part of tryouts. As I watch themt I realize that I haven’t exactly had the coaching experience that Hope has had, but I think I can pick out a solid starting eleven for myself. I definitely know I can improve a team over a season, individually and as a group.

Once the tryouts are over, the coaches help tear things down and help get things back to the regular setup, while I do the math that Hope insists I’ll be best at doing since I went to Stanford. She gives a quick speech to the coaches, and tells them that she’ll have the numbers by the end of the night, but that she’ll need a day to make final decisions, and that they should already have the practice schedule. It’s at this exact moment that I realize that I now have a job, even in the off season. I really hope that Lindsey doesn’t mind.

By the time that Hope, Carli and I are home, it’s well past time for dinner and all of us are starving. Carli settles on ordering delivery, too tired to make anything even with the help that I offer her. I don’t blame her, I know that I’m exhausted, so she can’t be much far behind.

Hope turns on an old national team game recording while we eat, reliving her glory days every minute of the game. I enjoy watching her commentate so much that I don’t even want to ask if Lindsey and I can use her Academy tomorrow. However, for the sake of not having any more panic attacks on Lindsey, I interrupt the game to tell her about my plans for tomorrow.

“Hey Mum?”

“Yeah kid?”

“Lindsey and I were going to hang out tomorrow.” I start slowly, waiting to see if she has any reaction. “Could we play soccer in your gym?” I ask nervously.

“I don’t see why not. Just don’t break anything, and don’t mess with any of the computer systems.” Hope says, making it clear that she isn’t thrilled with the idea.

“That sounds like fun. Maybe sometime soon we could all play together. The four of us.” Carli suggests lightly. 

“Um. I guess.” I stutter out, nervous at the idea of the three of them meeting, this time as parents and I guess as my girlfriend? “I’m really tired. I’m going to go upstairs to read for awhile before bed.” I stutter.

“Is everything okay little love?” Carli checks, getting a nod from me from the stairs. “Alright then, we’ll come say goodnight before we go to bed.” She promises.

I text Lindsey, asking if she’d like to officially use Hope’s Academy to play soccer tomorrow. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a response so fast in my life. Once we’ve settled on a time, I pick up a book and throw my phone aside for the night, leaving it to charge. I’m halfway through my book when I pick it up, and I’m three quarters of the way through by the time that Hope and Carli come to say goodnight. Tonight when I tell them I love them, they hold me a little closer, knowing that it’s been a long day. Harley and I sleep well, having been worn out by the past week.

Carli wakes me up around nine having made a breakfast that Hope is too tired to eat. I thank her for as much as I can, not wanting her to feel like her work goes unnoticed- even if it is just the result of restless mornings. She walks around the kitchen, sighing every so often, and when I finally ask her what’s wrong, she makes a cheap excuse. 

“Mom?” I push.

“Your Mum.” She sighs.

“What about her?” I ask, completely clueless as to what she’s getting at.

“She and I have very different ways of wanting to express how much we want to protect you. She just. Well. I love your Mother. But instead of using words, she uses threats that she doesn’t actually ever intend on carrying out, just to let you know that she’ll always have your back. She loves you more than you know. She’s trying. She’s trying with you and Lindsey, it’s just hard for her. Your Mum knows that you’ve been hurt before, and she doesn’t want to see it happen, and she’s trying to pretend she has control. She just loves you. She loves you.” Carli struggles to tell me.

“Mom?”

“What?”

“You don’t have to defend Mum. It’s okay.” I insist.

“It’s not that I want to defend her. I just to make sure that you know she loves you. Everything she’s doing, she’s doing she’s doing out of love.” 

“I know. I know, and I love you, and I love her. Even when she’s threatening to kill Lindsey in the living room at nine in the morning. I mean I don’t love the threats, don’t get me wrong. But I love you both.” I tell her, not exactly why she’s so emotional today.

“Go get ready for your date. I’ll stop telling you about your Mum’s inability to express feelings in healthy ways.” Carli laughs, halfway serious.

I hug her before I go, providing what I hope is enough comfort to help her out while I’m gone. Regardless, I head upstairs, keeping in mind what Carli told me while I get dressed to play soccer with Lindsey. In some ways, it’s probably best that way. I have less room in my head to be worried about the conversations that I know I have to have with Lindsey, but now I have to worry about both Carli and Hope, which is a new development. Although maybe Carli is just having an off day. Either way, I think what I’m learning is that there’s plenty to be anxious about.

I say goodbye to each of my Moms’ before I leave. A quick hug for each of them before I head for Hope’s Academy, showing up in my beat up car. Luckily Lindsey isn’t there yet, which leaves me to unlock the doors and grab a ball to warm up. I do some juggling, and walk passing, light dribbling even, but Lindsey just has to walk in while I’m going one on one against an invisible defender.

“I think you broke her ankles.” Lindsey jokes, pointing at empty space, referring to the fake defender.

“Shut up.” I giggle. “Are we going to play or what?”

“Both bark and bite today. Just let me put on my cleats and then I’m ready to go.” Lindsey says, lacing up her boots.

We pass back and forth by the goal, Lindsey occasionally taking off with the ball to shoot. Sometimes I sprint to deflect the ball from goal, but I only do it every once in a while because she pretends to get mad when I pull it off. We’re warming up with playing, but it’s also clear that we’re warming up to each other. We’re starting to find boundaries and feel comfortable enough to talk about the more vulnerable things we have to offer each other as people. 

“Tierna, can we talk about the other day?” Lindsey asks, not quite as tiptoe-y as she has in the past.

“I figured you would want to.” I say, not excited, but well aware that it’s necessary.

“You told me about what happened at Concacaf, and how it’s impacting you now. But what is it looking like now? Is he locked up, or is roaming the streets, free?” Lindsey asks, carefully picking out her words.

“I, um. Well, we have to go through the courts in Canada, so it’s taking a little longer. The court date is set for January fifteenth. He’s out on bail right now, but my lawyers think that he’ll be found guilty, so eventually locked up.” I admit with a ragged breath, wanting to give her this honesty.

“How does it work with the court system being in Canada?”

“Well. Carli and I went to Canada for a week and a half to meet with lawyers to iron out most of the details, and now, I have most of the meetings over the phone.” I explain.

“That can’t be easy.” Lindsey says empathetically.

“It’s not fun, but you do the best you can.” I mutter, trying to shrug it off.

“Can I keep asking questions, or is it getting to be too much?” Lindsey hesitates. “Remember, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t feel comfortable telling me. Or even just that you don’t want to tell me.” 

“Linds, it’s okay. You can keep going.” I encourage her.

“The nickname. It’s new.” 

“Oh, um. Sorry, it just kind of happened.” I panic.

“No, no. I like it.” She stops me. “Tierna? Do you see a therapist?” She asks, passing me the ball.

“I do. Her name is Maria.”

“Good. She helps you?” Lindsey asks with genuine concern.

“She does.” I confirm, enamored by Lindsey’s concern for me.

“Tierna, what do I do so that you don’t have another panic attack? And what do I do if you do?” She finally asks.

“The biggest thing is touching. Um, this is hard to talk about, but once you’ve been taken advantage of in such a violent, disparaging way, you need help with learning to be comfortable with touch contact again.” I start to explain. “I- um, well. I actually like being touched. Like I like cuddling with my Moms’, but they have to make it really clear that they’re going to cuddle with me before they actually make contact, or otherwise I panic. I panicked when you tried to offer me your jacket because I couldn’t see it. I don’t panic when you offer me your hand because it’s mine to accept, I have the power in that situation. Does that make sense?” I ask, feeling my cheeks burn in shame.

“It makes complete sense. I’m really sorry I didn’t show you the jacket. I promise I’ll never do that again. And Tierna?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you embarrassed?”

Her calling attention to my blushing, causes even more blood to rush into my cheeks. “To put everything out there, it’s embarrassing to talk about, because it is embarrassing. I mean he used me, and now I’m damaged, and that’s something that I have to carry with me, and that you have to settle for.” I say, stopping the ball with the sole of my foot.

“I know you have a therapist, and I know this is a deeply rooted problem that I can’t just fix today, but I also can’t just let you say that and then not say anything. You’re right. It is embarrassing. It’s embarrassing for him. But you? You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. You aren’t damaged, you’re traumatized and unfortunately, you do have to carry that trauma with you. But guess what? If I have anything to say about it, I’m going to be there to carry it with you. I’m not settling for you, we are equals, and we will always be equals.” Lindsey monologues emotionally, almost teary. “Now what can I do to make you feel better right now?” She asks.

I don’t speak, I just open my arms for a hug, and she rushes towards me, pressing a kiss to my hair before she wraps me up. 

“I still have questions, but we can do this another day if you want to. We’ve already done enough for today.” She whispers into my hair.

“No, let's do it all today. I don’t really ever feel like talking about it, so it’s best if I only have to do it once.” I ask, pulling back.

“What do I do if you have a panic attack while you’re with me?” Lindsey asks again.

“Sorry, I forgot that part.” I apologize, having forgotten the first time she asked it. “There’s a grounding exercise that Carli does with me when I have panic attacks. She asks me to name five things I can see, four I can hear, three I can touch, two I can smell, and one I can smell. It doesn’t matter if you can’t remember the senses because they don’t matter, just the general idea matters. And then sometimes I want to be held, and sometimes I don’t. I’ll let you know in the moment.” I tell her.

“Do you have anything else that you want me to know?” Lindsey asks, her eyes inviting.

“I want you to know that I like you. Like not just a little bit. Like a lot. Like so much that sometimes I think my chest is swelling up. You try. You actually try, and that means something. I lo-like you. I like you.”

“Tierna Davidson, I like you too.” Lindsey says, a lot smoother than I just did. “Be my girlfriend.”

“Was that a statement?” I giggle.

“I may have skipped out on college to go play for PSG, but I’m smart enough to know that I don’t need to ask. I think you want it just as much as I do, I don’t need to ask, I’ll just say it. So be my girlfriend.” Lindsey states apparently.

“I’ll be your girlfriend.” I say, sealing the deal with a quick kiss.

All of the sudden the door opens and both of my Moms’ are walking through it, Hope looking like her regular badass self, but Carli looking apologetic.

“This doesn’t look like soccer.” Hope says, likely referring to the kiss she may have just witnessed between Lindsey and I.

“Solo, Lloyd, it’s nice to see you, but I’m going to need you to give Tierna and I a minute.” Lindsey says, holding strong in front of them while walking away with me to a more private corner of the gym.

“Alright Baby, I can’t kick your Moms’ out of their own gym the way that I kicked Allie out of that coffee shop, but what I can do, is I can tell them that we’re leaving, and we can go. You might have some explaining to do for them later, but you wouldn’t have to have me meet them as your girlfriend. I’ll be okay either way, but this decision is up to you. I’m on your team either way, okay?” Lindsey insists.

“I can’t believe they’re here. They didn’t tell me they were coming.” I admit.

“I’m so sorry.” Lindsey says, offering me her arms, letting me choose to wrap myself in them. “We do have to make a decision, but we can do whatever it is you want, okay? I’ll be here no matter what.”

“I don’t want Hope to yell at you.” I mumble into Lindsey’s shoulder.

“Is that what you’re worried about? Baby, I’ve dealt with Solo on the field, I can deal with her off of it. There’s nothing she could say that would make me waver in how much I care about you.” Lindsey laughs.

“You promise?” I ask nervously.

“Oh baby, I promise.” Lindsey reassures.

“Let’s stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the cliffhanger. I figured I’d keep you guys guessing.


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are we feeling? Do we want to see a vulnerable Lindsey?

“Ms. Lloyd, Ms. Solo,” Lindsey says, her hand outstretched to a hesitant Hope. “It’s nice to meet you. Although I will admit, I think you’ve ambushed your daughter.” 

“Lindsey.” Hope replies coldly, shaking her outstretched hand.

“Hope we should leave. Tierna told us she wasn’t ready for this. We shouldn’t be here.” Carli tries to whisper to Hope, who is already too set on talking to Lindsey to be leaving anytime soon.

“Moms’?” I ask, confusion and hurt laced in my voice.

“Yeah kid?” Hope asks, her eyes changing from icy and cold to empathetic and warm in mere seconds.

“You can stay.” I say, not sure whether it’s me or the two of them that I’m trying to convince. “Right Lindsey?”

“Right.” Lindsey confirms.

“Well. Now that we’re all in agreement, who wants to play two on two?” Hope asks, changing exteriors faster than I can keep up with.

“I think that would be nice Ms. Solo.” Lindsey replies, going after the ball we’ve been playing with.

“Lindsey, we’ve all met before. You may be dating our daughter now, but you can call us Carli and Hope. Right?” She nudges her fiancé.

“I don’t know, I thought Ms. Solo had a nice ring to it.” Hope admits, semi-sarcastically.

“She’s kidding, you can call her Hope.” Carli says, nudging her fiancé again.

So we get a game going. We drag two of the smaller goals closer together in a smaller space, deciding that it’s probably best to play two on two with no keepers. Carli tried to take Lindsey for her two on two partner, but that idea failed fast and quickly, and it’s Lindsey and I against her and Hope. Even as Carli is meeting my girlfriend, she’s still thinking about winning games. It’s decided that Lindsey and I should start with the ball, so we do. We pass it back and forth a few times on our way to the attacking third, that is before Hope slide tackles Lindsey.

“Solo, you and I both know that I can play like that, I just wasn’t aware that it was that kind of a game.” Lindsey says, climbing up from off of the turf.

“You’re right. I got carried away.” Hope admits, her hands raised in surrender.

“Free kick?” Carli jokes, trying to lighten the mood.

Shockingly, not only can Hope agree that her slide tackle was dirty, but she can also admit that a free kick would be given in a game scenario. Lindsey, like a true gentlewoman, offers to let me take it. I decline it, instead watching her set it up. Not so surprisingly, Hope isn’t nearly as pleased when Lindsey scores off of the set piece, not even ten minutes after we’ve started playing. Hope passes back to Carli, and this time it’s me who makes the tackle, but as we’re all aware, my tackles are clean. So Lindsey ends up with the ball again, and what does she do with it? She nutmegs Hope, breezing right by her and scoring again. 

“Horan. I’d like a word if you will.” Hope roars, as livid as I’ve ever seen her.

“You don’t have to go with her if you don’t want to.” I whisper in her ear while clinging to her, worried about what Hope might say to her right now, especially after being nutmegged.

“Tierna, if you don’t want me to go talk with her, I won’t go. However, I do have a feeling that they won’t really stop until they get to talk to me one on one.” Lindsey insists.

“B-but what if she yells at you?” I whisper.

“Then she loves you. I can handle being yelled at by Hope Solo. I promise.” Lindsey insists, pressing a kiss to the top of my head before running towards Hope who’s been growing gradually more frustrated as time has gone on.

“So. You’re dating my daughter.” Hope starts, her eyes uninviting.

“Right before you came in, she and I made it official. So yes, we are definitely dating.” Lindsey says, both calm and collected.

“Horan, tell me why I should trust you to be dating my daughter.” Hope growls, her eyes narrowing, not liking how collected Lindsey is.

“Well Solo, I like her. Everytime I learn something new about her, she becomes more complex, and I like that. She’s started to trust me with things that are hard to share. After she had a panic atta-”

“The panic attack that you caused?” Hope snarls.

“Hope, there was no way that I could have known I was going to cause her to react like that. However, we were just having a conversation about how I can avoid causing her to have panic attacks. And what I should do if we ever found ourselves in that situation again.” Lindsey says, not allowing herself to be bullied by Hope.

“Lindsey, I need you to say something that’s going to allow me to sleep at night while knowing that you’re my daughter’s girlfriend.” Hope admits, being the most vulnerable she’s been tonight.

“Hope, we’ve only been dating for three weeks, so I only have a few solid examples of things that I’ve already done that can ease your nerves. After she had a panic attack, I wouldn’t let her go home, I had to take her to where I’m staying to take care of her. Everytime she shares something heavy with me, I try to do or say whatever I can to make it better, even if that’s just listening and telling her that I’m always going to be there for her. Now, it is a new relationship, but I’d like to tell you what I tell her when she gets worried and needs reassurance. I’m going to be there for her in whatever capacity she needs. I’m going to listen to her without judgement. And one day, one day not too far away from today, I’m going to love her. You and I both know that I can’t promise that it will be the perfect relationship, and that one day we’ll end up married, surrounded by world cup trophies. I can’t promise that no matter how much I try to daydream it into existence. But Hope?” Lindsey asks, getting slightly emotional. “I promise you both that I’ll always be respectful to her, no matter what happens. Okay?” Lindsey says, teary eyed.

“Lindsey Horan, I don’t like that all you have for me are words. But dammit those were good ones.” Hope says, wiping at her own eyes.

“I mean every single one of them.”

“I was waiting outside of the locker room for Tierna after a game, because after what happened at Concacaf, she doesn’t like being alone in the hallways. Emily Sonnet, a close friend of yours if I’m not wrong, taught me what ‘catch these hands’ means. Now, you also may remember that I was a pretty good goalkeeper. So when you’re thinking about how you should be treating my daughter, just remember that if you don’t treat her right, the ‘hands you’ll be catching’ have won two golden gloves.” Hope says, walking away before Lindsey even has a chance to respond. 

Hope is walking back towards Carli and I, a very confused looking Lindsey following about ten feet behind her before Carli rains on her parade yet again.

“Wait! Lindsey stay there, I have a couple of things to say too.” She says, running to meet her where she is.

“If Hope just threatened you, disregard it. Even if you break Tierna’s heart, she won’t do anything. However, if you break Tierna’s heart, it’s me you have to be worried about.” Carli says.

“Trust me, it’s you I’m more worried about.” Lindsey admits, knowing the power of the Captain.

“How about I make this easy then? Don’t break my daughter’s heart. I won’t have to bench you, Hope won’t have to look like she’s all bark and no bite, and my daughter won’t have a broken heart.” Carli suggests, only halfway sarcastically.

“Carli, I like your daughter a lot. I want to do everything I can to make her happy. I’m not going to give you the long speech that I gave to Hope, but I want you to know that no matter where this goes, I have respect for you and I have respect for your daughter.” Lindsey says, starting to wear down emotionally.

“You may have shot me in the face with a nerf gun at a camp, but you’re a good kid where it counts.” Carli says, throwing an arm around Lindsey, who’s now a shade of bright red. “C’mon kiddo, we better go score some goals before those two slide tackle each other to death.” Carli says, putting Lindsey at ease.

We keep the game going until the score is fifteen to twelve, and Carli and Hope have to admit defeat. The two decide to leave, but Hope complains that if she had been allowed to be a keeper, that the game would have been zero to twelve. I tell them that I’ll see them at home, and that I won’t be much longer, Carli calling out what we’ll be having for dinner. I close the door behind them, slumping down against it after I do. 

“I’m so sorry.” I say, already struggling to fight off the lump in my throat.

“Hey, no, there’s no need for tears. It was okay, I promise.” 

“W-what did they say to you?” I ask Lindsey, who has now wrapped me up after asking first.

“They love you so much. They just needed to ask me a few questions to make sure that I was treating you alright. I promise.”

“H-Hope didn’t threaten you? I sniffle, getting met with a dead silence. “Lindsey what did she threaten to do to you?” I ask, a bit scared by my overprotective Mum.

“I believe that her exact words, were that if I didn’t treat you right, ‘the hands I would be catching would have won two golden gloves.’’ Lindsey finally admits.

“Oh my god, where did she even learn that.” I cry, now both embarrassed and upset by the crossed boundaries.

“Sonnet taught her that.” 

“That makes more sense.” I admit. Starting to calm down. “Sorry I got tears on your shirt.”

“Hey, what did we just talk about? Like just a few hours ago?” Lindsey asks, lifting my chin to meet her eyes.

“I know, it’s just that-” I sigh, too embarrassed to finish the sentence.

“Baby you can tell me.” Lindsey says, kissing my forehead.

“I’m worried about how much I’m asking you to handle. First it was what happened with Canada, and then my Moms’ dropped in on us unannounced, and now I’m crying on your shirt not even five minutes later. Lindsey there’s more. Those aren’t even all of the bad things that I could throw at you, and so I’m worried. I guess I just don’t know when too much is too much.” I admit.

“I’ve promised this to you before, and I’ll promise it to you again, right now and later again in time if you need me to, however many times you need me to. I’m going to listen to what you have to say, I’m going to support you, and I’m going to respect you. You aren’t too much for me, okay? You can tell me about those bad things right now if you wanted to, although, I have a feeling that you would rather go home and take a nap, maybe talk with your Moms’ first about what they did today.” Lindsey says, brushing a piece of hair off of my face.

“Lindsey?”

“Yeah Baby?”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to do the same for you yet.” I say, feeling guilty as anything.

“Tierna, we’ve been on four dates. You had a panic attack and so we needed to address that, which took some time. Don’t feel bad because I’ve been lucky so far. Who knows, maybe on our next date I’ll fall or something and you can take me back to your house and take care of me.” Lindsey jokes morbidly.

“I guess you’re right.” I say, cracking a smile at the girl next to me.

“I would offer to drive you home, but I think Hope might kill me on sight.” 

“How about just this once we each take our own cars home?” I ask, giggling at how often it is that Lindsey ends up in the driver’s seat of my car.

“Are you safe to drive?” Lindsey asks seriously.

“I am, I promise. You go home to Allie and tell her about how your girlfriends Moms’ are crazy.” I tell her.

“I think she knows.” Lindsey jokes, starting to walk me to my car. “Drive safely, okay.” 

“You too.” I reply, giving her a goodbye kiss.

When I get home, it takes exactly two minutes for me to march through the door to find my Moms’ cuddled up together, which almost makes it harder to be upset with them. 

“I had planned on asking Lindsey to go to therapy with me tomorrow, but after today, I think I need both of you to go with me instead. Can you both do that?” I ask, trying to veil the hurt in my voice.

“Kid, are you upset about today?” Hope asks, sitting up.

“Mum, I’m definitely not happy about it, but would you mind if we waited for therapy?” I insist.

“Okay kid. I’m sorry if I upset you.” She says before redirecting her attention to her fiancé. “Carli, honey I know you were going to cook, but it’s getting late. Do you mind if I go pick something up instead?”

“Tierna what do you think?” Carli asks.  
“Pizza?” I suggest shyly. 

Hope is back with a pizza in fifteen minutes, leaving the three of us to have a very awkward, sleepy dinner together. The only thing that’s truly normal about it, is that Harley is begging at our feet. When we’re all finished eating, both Carli and Hope make an attempt to get me to see if I’ll spend more time with them, suggesting both a movie and a game. I decline, insisting that if Harley isn’t going to get any table food, she should at least get to go for a walk. They each offer to go with me, but I insist that Harley and I need our bonding time.

After I leave the table it’s a slow night. Even Harley doesn’t seem to be as excited about being on a walk. When we get home Carli and Hope are both waiting, hoping to say goodnight to me. Even after the stunt they pulled today, I’m not upset enough to refuse them. So we say our goodnights and give each other hugs goodnight before I take Harley to bed, curling up for the night.

I fall asleep, but it’s not a peaceful one. I thrash around in my bed, scaring Harley out of my bed and into the corner. It’s only a few minutes of audible crying before both Hope and Carli are both in my room, trying to wake me up from this nightmare of mine.

“Love, please wake up.” Carli asks, sitting on the edge of my bed, slightly shaking my shoulder.

After a few more tries I jolt awake, but as Carli goes to wrap me up in a hug, I back away.

“I- uh. I’m just going to go to the bathroom and go back to bed.” I say, shaken.

“Little love, tell us what’s wrong?” Carli pleads gently.

“Nothings wrong.” I lie, complete with a fake smile, exiting the room before they have a chance to ask anymore questions.

By the time I get back to my room they’ve both gone back to bed, leaving me to get back in mine and go back to sleep. Harley gives me a single kiss on my shoulder before laying down again, seemingly concerned about me. The rest of the night goes by restlessly, but without any incidents.

I wake up early to go for a run. The kind of run where you start at a normal pace, but then end up pushing yourself harder and harder until you’re bent over crying and trying to get air back in your lungs. Nevertheless, I stand back up and finish my run, showering before therapy. I check with my Moms’ to make sure they’re ready to go, which they both eerily are. Hope doesn’t even sing on the ride there, she tries to make small talk, which is how I know that she knows that she’s messed up. Maria calls us back as we’re checking in, leading us to her office and having us sit right in a row. 

“So Tierna, do you want to start by telling us why you asked your Moms’ to come in today?” Maria asks, picking up her clipboard to jot down notes.

“Moms, ever since Lindsey’s come into the picture, you haven’t been- well, you.” I try to explain.

“Tierna do you mind if I try to rearticulate that and if I’m wrong you can jump in and correct me, just so that your Moms have a good understanding of what you’re trying to say?” Maria asks, getting a nod from me. “What I think that Tierna is trying to say, is that she’s come to expect a level of consistency from each of you, and since Lindsey has come into her life, that consistency hasn’t been as solid. Did I say that in a way that both makes sense to the two of you and is what you were trying to say Tierna?” Maria asks, getting nods from the three of us. “Alright, so who wants to go first?” Maria asks, almost excited.

“Tierna, honey, can I ask what isn’t as consistent anymore now that Lindsey is in the picture?” Carli asks, wanting to understand.

“Well, um. Every time we talk about Lindsey, there’s lots of yelling and threatening, which is something that I was really happy to not have to deal with anymore when my biological parents disowned me. And then there’s what happened yesterday.” I say.

“I definitely want to talk about whatever happened yesterday, but can we talk about the yelling first?” Maria asks, getting nods from the three of us. “Who’s typically yelling?” 

“I’m sorry! I love her and I have to protect her from everything, which sometimes includes girlfriends.” Hope says, starting to sound defensive.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it sound as if I was inflicting any judgement. Hope, can you tell me why you feel like you have to protect her from her girlfriend Lindsey?” Maria asks, de-escalating the situation.

“I’m her Mom. I love her. I don’t want to see anything bad happen to her, and that includes her getting her heart broken. I already failed once.” Hope says defeated.

“Mum? What do you mean?” I ask, completely thrown for a loop.

“I couldn’t protect you. In Canada. I couldn’t protect you.” Hope repeats.

“Mum, you were the one who stopped him, and no one else could have stopped him faster. You protected me better than anyone else could have.” I try to explain.

“Hope, it sounds like you’re still carrying guilt from when Tierna was sexually assaulted, am I correct?” Maria asks.

“I guess so.” Hope admits.

“So you want to protect her from Lindsey then? Is that it?” Maria follows up.

“I guess I just want to protect her from everything else that could ever be a threat.” Hope says.

“So Hope, if Lindsey is the threat, then why yell in your conversations with Tierna?” Maria asks.

“I-I don’t know. I shouldn’t have. I know that yelling upsets her, but I was so upset at myself for not being able to protect her back in Canada, that I selfishly just wasn’t even thinking about it. Kid I’m sorry.” Hope apologizes.

“So we’re going to work on the no more yelling? Especially since we found the root of it?” Maria asks.

“No more yelling.” Hope promises, her hand raised as a promise.

“Alright, someone tell me about whatever happened yesterday.” Maria says, looking at the three of us who are now suddenly silent.

“I was playing soccer with Lindsey at Hope’s Academy, and Hope and Carli showed up unannounced.” I finally say.

“Had it been discussed that you would have access to the facility without your Moms’ being there?” Maria asks.

“Yes.”

“Alright, one of you two explain.” Maria says, pointing at Hope and Carli.

“I had to protect my kid.” Hope says quietly.

“Had she called to ask you to come get her?” Maria asks.

“No.” Hope admits.

“So why was it so important that you see Lindsey right then?” Maria asks.

“Okay, I’m going to be honest, and it’s going to make me look bad, but I stand by my answer.” Hope warns, looking around the room for nods before continuing. “They had been on a few dates and it was time for me to threaten her.” 

“Mum, really?” I ask, almost in shock.

“I know, I know, you can protect yourself, but kid I’m here for you too, and I needed her to know that she needed to treat you well.” Hope says, escalating again.

“Hope, did you do this unannounced because you knew Tierna wouldn’t approve?” Maria asks.

“Yes.” Hope deadpans.

“You felt that was the best course of action?” Maria asks.

“Tierna, maybe it would be helpful if you explained how what your Moms’ did impacted you.” Maria suggests

“I’ve always felt like you both respect me as a human being, but yesterday you just showed up unannounced instead of asking or letting me know that you were coming. You both know how important control is in my life after the trauma I’ve been through. When you showed up, Lindsey and I were talking about Canada, and what she should do if I ever have a panic attack around her again. It was really hard to emotionally adjust for the situation.” I say, finally able to articulate what I’m feeling.

“I didn’t think about that.” Hope says, clearly now upset with herself.

“I know Mum.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Mum, I forgive you.”

“Carli, you’ve been quiet through this all. How have you been feeling?” Maria asks.

“I’m just sad. I wanted to give her the childhood she didn’t get to have, and now it’s turning out that we’re giving her a shitty adulthood instead.” Carli says.

“Mom, it’s not a shitty adulthood. It’s just that it’s life, and it’s got ups and downs. If there was such a thing as a perfect parent, you and Hope would be it.” I say.

“Well there you go, apparently you’re pretty close to perfect parents.” Maria says, ushering us out of her office.

The ride home is a little more peaceful, this time around with Hope at least humming and Carli almost asleep in the passenger's seat. Once we’re home, we try putting in a movie, but within fifteen minutes we’re all passed out on top of each other. Happy to be a happy family again, even if we do have our own eclectic set of issues.


	48. Chapter 48

The days following the therapy appointment consisted of light hearted dates with Lindsey, some time spent redrawing boundaries with Carli and Hope, even the first few practices with my new soccer team at Hope’s academy. What they failed to include was any time spent answering Becky’s texts. So now I’m sitting at the library taking an hour to myself, cursing quietly as my phone rings at full volume in the silent space, and her name pops up on my screen.

Knowing exactly what will happen if I choose not to answer this call, I make a break for it, closing the book I was reading and speeding towards the exit where I can answer her call. Truth be told, I’ve missed talking to the documentary enthusiasts. 

“Tierna Lillis Davidson, why have you not been answering my texts!” Becky scorns immediately as I pick up the phone.

“I’m sorry, my Moms’ and girlfriend have been taking up all my time.” I say, starting to walk to my car.

“See, the last time we talked, Lindsey wasn’t even your girlfriend! These are exactly the type of things I want to be hearing about!” Becky says.

“Alright, well, Lindsey and I are dating and she asked me to be her girlfriend. My Moms’ dropped in on us one time and Hope threatened to make Lindsey ‘Catch these hands.’” I explain.

“Wow, she did? Hope knows what ‘Catch these hands’ means? I can believe she threatened her, I just didn’t think she would be so hip about it.” Becky says.

“Becky, how do you know what ‘catch these hands means?’” I fire back, giggling a little bit.

“Sonnet.” Becky deadpans. “Speaking of Sonnet, I was so desperate to hear how it was going between the two of you that I reached out to her, and she says that Lindsey calls her all the time to talk about you. She says you’re all she’s really talking about right now.”

Now this brings a blush to my face. A blush that I’m thankful that Becky can’t see. 

“I don’t know what to say.” I admit, still blushing.

“How about you tell me whether or not you’re thinking about her too?” Becky asks, her sarcasm showing through.

“Becky, she's on my mind all the time. Well, either her or the panic of being a brand new coach. I still don’t know why Hope thought that was a good idea.” I admit, happy that my face is finally losing the blush.

“I guess I’ll let it go for now, but I am going to call you again to ask about how you and Lindsey are doing. Now tell me about coaching.” Becky says letting me know that I’m not off of the hook.

“We’ve only had three practices so far, but we have another one tonight. There’s a forward that I'm pretty excited about. Hope is running the top team, and I was pretty shocked that she didn’t want her on her team. Something seems off about her though. I’m trying to keep an eye on her.” I admit.

“Just be sure to not put all of your effort into just one forward. You need defenders too.” Becky warns.

“Don’t you think that I out of all people would know that?” I joke with her, knowing that not many l people have made the national team as a defender by nineteen.

“Either way, I think you’ll be great. I’ll definitely call you, but if you win a trophy with your team before then, call me. Same goes for if you and Lindsey do something nice. Or something stupid. I don’t worry about you two as much as I’ve worried about Sonnet and Kelley or Ashlyn and Ali. Basically, the moral of the story is that you should call me if something happens.” Becky says, slightly derailing before bringing it back.

“Alright Becky. I will.” I say, hanging up.

It’s a short drive to Carli’s house from the library, and once I get there I find that neither Carli or Hope are there. Harley is the only one there to greet me, her tail wagging as she picks up her paws excitedly just to put them back down. I take a few steps to find one of Harley’s tennis balls, picking it up to throw it before recognizing a note that Hope and Carli left, presumably a note for me. It turns out that it’s just a note saying that they’ve gone to get lunch and then do some grocery shopping afterwards, and that they’ll be home before it’s time to go to practice tonight, since my team and Hope’s team is on the same practice schedule. There’s a few lines talking about how they’d like to spend some time with me and Lindsey before Lindsey leaves for Portland before it’s signed, Carli leaving at least fifty x’s and o’s and Hope opting for a simple signature. There’s a p.s. that I just know that Hope snuck back in to write after Carli had gotten in the car that reads “We’ll spend time with Lindsey, and I’ll try my best to ease up a little bit, but if she nutmegs me again, she’s walking away with one working ankle,” and a heart next to it. 

Well, that’s Hope Solo for you.

With the house to myself, I decide that it’s too eerie with just Harley and I. So I decide to take a ball to the park and train for a while, making sure that my skills are up to par for the coaching I’ll be doing tonight. When I get home, I take Harley for a quick walk before showering and eating lunch while watching an old game. Harley begs for food at my feet, and no matter how much I know Carli disapproves of it, I just can’t say no to those eyes.

After lunch, Carli and Hope still aren’t home, so I do what any reasonable person who lives with their parents does when they’re home alone. I turn on music, and I pick Harley up and make her dance with me. However, due to the fact that I just may be the unluckiest human being on the planet, Hope and Carli are through the door before I realize it, catching me dancing with the dog to music that’s turned up entirely too loud. Carli? Well Carli wants to turn down the music as fast as possible. But Hope? Not only does Hope come to dance with me, but she moves us in front of my record player so that Carli can’t turn down the music. Consequently, Carli starts shouting at us, not angrily, but seriously, to turn the music down. All the while Hope is pretending that she can’t hear her over the music. But even as I curl into Hope, no one notices my breathing picking up.

“Mom stop.” I try, the pit in my stomach growing as they fight over something so trivial.

“Moms’” I cry out, starting to sob.

“Wait, baby what’s wrong?” Hope asks, immediately shifting to turn down the music.

I open my mouth to speak, but when I do, everything feels too pathetic to say out loud, which ends up the cause of more tears.

“Alright, why don’t we go sit down, yeah? Can I carry you?” Hope asks, getting a quick nod from me.

She hoists me up, carrying me like a toddler to the couch, all the while I’m still crying pretty heavily. Carli sits down close enough next to me that we’re touching, rubbing circles on my back while she and Hope just let me cry myself out. Even once I start to calm down, I still hide my face in Hope’s shoulder, too embarrassed to tell them why I was so upset.

“Little love, can you look at me?” Carli asks, still rubbing circles on my back.

I don’t respond, not even a shake of the head.

“Kiddo, was it the yelling?” Hope asks gently.

With that, a fresh new round of tears enters my eyes, a round that neither Hope nor Carli was prepared for, and one that seems to be breaking them both.

“Baby it’s okay if it was. Please don’t cry.” Hope says, now rocking me back and forth on her lap as if I really was a toddler.

“I’m so sorry I got so upset about the music honey. I was just caught off guard and then your Mum and I got carried away.” Carli apologizes. “Little love, is that all this is? Is this just about us yelling?” Carli asks, knowing that my outbursts haven’t been as often or as bad lately.

“Nike.” Is all I can manage to say, my head still buried in Hope’s shoulder.

“Little love it sounded like you just said Nike. Did you just say Nike?” Carli asks, caught off guard once again.

I nod.

“Is it your Nike deal?” Hope asks, figuring that I’m not exactly in the mood to talk right now.

I nod again.

“Is something wrong with your Nike deal?” She asks, her eyebrows creasing.

I hesitate, but I shake my head no.

“Baby, we’re doing the best that we can here, but you have to give us something. Can you tell us what you’re upset about so we can fix it?” Carli asks, looking distraught.

“I got an email about the first promotional photoshoot they want me to do while you were gone.” I struggle to say.

“Okay, Baby you agreed to that when we talked about your contract. What changed? Usually people want to celebrate moments like this” Hope says.

“San Francisco.” I deadpan. “It’s in San Francisco.”

Once the realization sets in that Nike wants me to do a photoshoot merely miles away from my parents who kicked me out of my house, leaving me to live in my car, all because I’m gay, they understand my reaction.

“Oh kid.” Hope says, wrapping me up as fast as she possibly can.

“We’ll be with you the whole way.” Carli promises, holding me from the other side, apparently having outgrown rubbing circles on my back.

“But-but I won’t even be able to get the time off from coaching, and neither will Hope! You won’t be there! I’ll be there by myself!” I say, starting to escalate. 

“Kid I need you to listen to me, okay? You can have the week off, and so can I. I’ll get Allie to coach your team, and I’ll call in a favor to get a guest coach for mine. Okay? Your Mom and I will be there for every step of the way.” Hope insists.

“I’ll pay for Allie to coach my team for that week.” I say, nuzzling back into Hope’s shoulder.

“Who said anything about paying her?” Hope asks.

“Hope, we’ve talked about this. What have we said about this?” Carli asks, her pitch higher than usual.

“That I can’t blackmail any of your teammates until they retire.” Hope grumbles, clearly not happy about this agreement.

I raise a single eyebrow in suspicion.

“Anyways, all of these things are things that we don’t have to deal with tonight, but what we do have to deal with tonight is practice. It’s three right now and practice is at six, so how about this? How about your Mom and I let you take a nap, and we’ll wake you up for dinner?” Hope asks, already proceeding to lay me down, letting me know that the nap is not optional.

“You know I’m nineteen right?” I ask, as I’m being tucked in.

“Oh Tierna, if there’s anything we have to teach you, it’s that naps are also for adults. Now sleep tight, we love you sweet girl.” Carli says, kissing my forehead before wandering off.

Hope keeps her promise, awaking me to the smell of salmon. Dinner feels tense again, but the kind of tense that can be fixed with a family nap and maybe some ice cream later, both of which we’ll have to have after practice which Hope is dragging us out the door for. Yet again, we’re the first in the parking lot, and we set up until at least half of the kids have arrived. 

“Alright kids, today’s practice is mostly passing drills, but I have a few position specific drills for you guys too. Sound good?” I ask, being met with twenty nods.

Most of the drills are pretty straight forward, three quarters of my team acing it and the other third doing pretty well. I try my best to give positive feedback so that when I fix the mistakes it doesn’t seem as negative. I run the position drills, which goes well for my defenders and forwards, but my keepers and midfielders struggle a little bit. I make note of some drills I think might help for the next practice.

By the time practice ends, every single player on my team looks as if their legs could give out at any minute, which is what Hope originally told me was the sign of a good practice. I try my best to give my team the pep talk they need before letting them go home to do their homework. After they leave, it’s back to cleaning up cones and goals I’ve moved.

“You want to get going?” Hope asks, helping me with the last few cones.

“I think so.” I reply quickly. “Mum, do you want to hang out with Mom and Lindsey tomorrow?”

“We can probably do that kiddo.” Hope replies, walking me out to the car.

“What do people even plan to do with their parents and girlfriend?” I ask.

“Well, we could have dinner?” Hope suggests, getting into the car.

“Um. I will, I guess we could.” I mutter, a bit uncomfortable with something that intimate.

“Kid, what do you want to do?” Hope asks.

“Could we do something less.. well. I don’t know.” I pause. “Maybe we could do something less scary?” I suggest.

“I will take You, your Mom, and even Lindsey mini golfing tomorrow. How about that? Less threatening? Maybe you could even talk to Lindsey about going to California.” Hope  
suggests, clearly having been threatened by Carli to be nice to Lindsey.

“You think I should ask Lindsey to go with us to San Francisco?” I ask, shocked.

“No. Well, I suppose you can if you want to. But I just meant that you could tell her that you’re going.” Hope says, still somewhat Hope-like.

“Alright Mum.” I giggle, enjoying how much she’s trying to like Lindsey. With Hope, it’s always the little things that count the most.

Hope pokes fun at me while I text Lindsey to see what time she can go tomorrow, making fun of my apparent “grin.” I brush it off like I always do, just happy that while everything around me seems so out of control, at least I have people in my life who I can count on for mini golf or to make fun of my goofy grins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Carli, Hope, and Tierna are going to San Francisco! Should Lindsey go with or should she go back to Portland?


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just so everyone’s aware (and no one gets mad at me) the next two chapters will cover the same time span, but the first one will be from Tierna’s point of view, and the second will be from Lindsey’s. I’ll write something like this out before n both of those chapters just so that it’s clear, but I figured I’d give you a heads up. For now, enjoy this!

“That’s Lindsey right?” Carli asks, sitting in the front seat of the car.

“Yeah, that’s her.” I reply.

Hope doesn’t say anything, she just pops out of the car, extending her hand to Lindsey much more civilly this time. Lindsey doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, she almost looks happy that Hope’s being nice to her. Lindsey then offers her hand to Carli, but Carli skips it and goes straight for the hug, surprising her a little bit. 

“Alright, who’s up for some mini golf?” Are the words Lindsey uses to fill the silence. 

And with that, everyone heads to grab a putter and a ball. Lindsey goes for red, opting for thorns colors, Carli takes blue, Hope purple, and I opt for green. We’re shown to the first hole, which looks to be the simplest one on the course, no bank shots or obstacles involved. 

“Youngest first?” Carli suggests, half sarcastically.

“Then go right ahead.” I joke, motioning to Carli.

Lindsey nudges me forward playfully, encouraging me to tee up. I put the ball on the little spot meant for the ball and take one small swing. The ball ends up about two centimeters away from the hole, leaving Lindsey to go next. Her swing is far too hard, going way further than she had planned. Hope’s ball knocks mine, and Carli manages to score a hole in one. 

The rest of the game is largely the same, well for the most part. Halfway through the course, Lindsey and Hope start a juggling contest with the mini golf ball. Hope wins, but she also doesn’t play fairly. She swings her foot at Lindsey’s messing her up before she can beat Hope’s record. They offer me a ball, letting me try for it, but I want no part in this tomfoolery. So I let Lindsey and Hope continue to try to outdo each other. 

By the time we’ve finished the course, I’m pretty sure that Hope has bragged a total of seventeen times in twenty four holes, even though she finished third. Carli wins, and Lindsey comes in dead last. Apparently we found the one sport that she can’t succeed in. I can tell that she’s not pleased, but she’s doing everything she can to not let any of her competitiveness show. As Carli turns in all of our putters and golf balls, Lindsey and I decide to tell them that we’ll be going to get food before I’ll come home. Hope doesn’t seem pleased about it, but she nods and goes with Carli back to the car.

“So my Mum only sabotaged your juggling contest this time. Do we want to call that progress?” I ask, offering Lindsey my hand.

“It was better than her telling me to get ready to ‘catch these hands.’” Lindsey jokes. “Sonnet just has a way of wiggling her way into everything doesn’t she.” She adds.

“Speaking of Sonnet,” I pause, “Are you thinking you want to go back to Portland soon?” I ask nervously.

“Do you want me to go back to Portland?” Lindsey asks after a quick hesitation.

“Linds, I have to level with you.” I tell her. “I have to be in San Francisco on Monday for a Nike photoshoot.” I explain.

“Oh. Do you want me to leave for Portland?” She asks. “Or do you want me to go with you?” She hesitates, her question so quiet that I almost don’t hear it.

I don’t know whether it’s lucky or unlucky that right at that moment, it becomes our turn to order in the drive through, Lindsey ordering for both of us, having memorized my order. I sit quietly, both comfortable and uncomfortable with the conversation we’re about to have. She doesn’t say anything more until we’ve gotten our food, but once she does she doesn’t wait for me to answer her question, she answers it for me.

“Sonnet was asking when I would be back for a while. Maybe I could go back to Portland for the week and meet you back in New York when you get back?” Lindsey suggests.

“Um, yeah.” I tell her, fine with that setup.

“Do you know if the shoot is with anyone else? They typically like to do teammates together.”

“They didn’t say anything about it. Should I be worried?” I ask nervously, not even having thought about it.

“Well, is there anyone from Chicago or the national team that you wouldn’t want to take pictures with?” Lindsey giggles.

I shake my head no.

“Then I wouldn’t worry about it.” Lindsey tells me, her half smile being almost too adorable for me to handle. “Do you want me to text the group chat to ask if anyone else will be there that we know of, at least from the soccer world?” She asks, her head tilted left.

I nod.

“Tobin is going too.” 

“She’s going to try to have them get a picture of her nutmegging me, isn't she?” I groan, already dreading this photoshoot enough as is.

“C’mon. It’ll be fun. Tobin took care of me at PSG, she’ll take care of you at Nike.” Lindsey tells me, trying her best to sound convincing.

“Both of my Mom’s are going too.” I tell her, not sure whether or not I’m convincing her or myself that I’ll be alright, even though she has no clue as to why I wouldn’t be. “Who’s going to take care of you while you’re in Portland?” I ask, desperate to change the subject.

“I mean, I’ll be taking care of Kelley and Sonnet. Someone has to be sure that Kelley doesn’t do any of the dares that Sonnet gives her. Especially with Tobin gone.” 

“Becky will be there.” I suggest lightly.

“The Becky that’s probably been waiting to threaten me about our relationship?” Lindsey asks, both eyebrows raised. 

“Hey you never know, maybe she’s been waiting to threaten me.” I try, even though it sounds ridiculous.

“T, I’ve accepted that the people in our lives are going to think that I’m the threat for a while. That’s why it took me so long to ask you out.” 

“Explain it to me?” I ask, a bit confused.

“Well, you’re nineteen, and I’m twenty two. So it’s not a huge difference, but it’s big enough that people might look for a second. And my team best friend is Emily Sonnet, a girl who is famous purely for being chaotic, and your team parents became your real parents. No one thinks that they should be worried about you hurting me, because no one thinks that you’re trouble. You’re the team sweetheart.” Lindsey explains, not upset by any of it.

“But you’re a sweetheart too.” I whine, wanting everyone to know how sweet Lindsey’s been. “You’ve been so considerate of me.” 

“And they’ll see that. I’ll prove it to them the same way that I’ve proven, and will continue to prove to you.” Lindsey says.

With as stressed as I am, I don’t know that anything could make me truly happy. But there is nothing in this world that relieves stress like Lindsey’s reassurance.

“I want to prove it to you too.” Is all I can say.

“We can be good for each other.” Lindsey replies, her hand in mine.

After that, our conversation drifts off into fluffier territories. Lindsey talks about her plans for Portland, and I talk about things we can do once we’re both back in New York. Each of us seem reluctant to be leaving, but at least Lindsey is excited.

“Can I take you out for breakfast before I have to go to the airport?” Lindsey asks me, her face hopeful.

“I would really like that.” I tell her, leaning over to give her a quick kiss. “You want to take me home now though?”

“I would love to.”

We’re at Carli’s within minutes, but this time, I let Lindsey come inside to wait for her Uber. She drops my keys onto the coffee table before sitting down on the couch, but she’s quickly pulled back up. Surprisingly though, it’s not Carli who’s luring Lindsey in, it's Hope. She’s found a regular size five soccer ball, and is dragging my girlfriend off of the couch for a classic juggling contest. Carli walks into the room, almost snorting at her fiancé’s need to prove her superior technique.

“What are they even doing?” I half whisper, half giggle into Carli’s ear.

“They think that they’re one up-ing each other, but really, they’re bonding.” Carli whispers in my ear, having turned to face me.

Something about the thought of my Mom’s and girlfriend being friendly with each other, even if it does have to be through soccer competitions, just seems… well, nice. 

Lindsey loses out to Hope yet again, and just like the previous time, it’s not due to a lack of skill, it’s due to outside forces. This time her Uber pulls up out front causing her to put the ball down voluntarily. Due to the fact that both of my Moms’ are in the room, she presses her usual goodbye kiss to my cheek instead of my mouth, a gesture which I’m very appreciative of.

“She’s not all that bad.” Hope says, still doing around the world’s every once in a while, neglecting to look up at us.

“You only like her because you think you’ve beaten her at juggling.” I quip.

“I won twice, we don’t even need to go a third time for me to win two out of three.” She fires back.

“The first time you messed with her, and the second because her ride was here.” I reply matter-of-factly.

“C’mon kid, don’t you want me to like your girlfriend?” 

“I guess that is optimal.” I say, almost surprised at myself.

“Alright you two, we have to talk about plans for next week.” Carli cuts in, “sound good?” 

Hope and I nod.

“Nike agreed to fly all three of us out.” I start, having already heard back from them.

“I got Allie to coach your team for the week, and a guest coach for mine.” Hope says, solving that portion of the problem.

“We don’t need to talk about the hotel, the plan for the photoshoot, or anything else really.” I start. “All we have to do is make it to Sunday, and then get on the plane.” I joke.

“That’s one team practice, at least twoindividual training sessions and probably one more date with Lindsey. Seems risky.” Hope jokes, completely sarcastically, with that, I just walk away.

The next day isn’t exactly a lazy one. I train with Hope in the morning just to go and train my own team later. However, I’m not the only one training my team, Lindsey shows up as early as Hope and I do, offering to help set up and coach for the day.

“I know I should have called before coming, I can leave if you want.” Lindsey says.

“And pass up the free labor?” Hope asks, her eyes brows on the tip top of her forehead. “Kid let her stay.” 

“You plan on helping me coach?” I ask, maybe flirting a little too much in front of my Mum.

“You tell me how to set up, and I can just help the kids who are struggling.” Lindsey suggests. “Or I can just do whatever you want me to do.” 

The three of us each head into Hope’s academy, all setting up for today’s practice. Hope even steals Lindsey away from me, needing help with her own practice setup. I enjoy how much they’ve been getting along, especially considering the start that they got off to, even though I know that with even one misstep Hope would still attempt to deck Lindsey. However, I’m not worried about any of that as I watch them set up cones for our youth teams. 

I perk up when my players start showing up, greeting my best winger, Hannah, when she shows up. My whole midfield shows up together, apparently having all carpooled here together. Sarah, and Mia, my left and right midfielders are flipping their water bottles, trying their best to get them to land flat. Hazel, my center midfielder just laughs at them and records it. They’re having such a good time that I barely even want to tell them to come over here to warm up. Lindsey on the other hand? She has no problem with getting them over here, letting herself be the bad guy while letting me explain our practice format. Once all of the girls run off, Lindsey gets a little closer to me, nuzzling her head in.

“I like watching you coach.” She whispers, walking away right after.

And with that, I explain the next drill to my team, keeping it in the back of my mind that I need them to be match fit by the time that I get back from San Francisco. There’s no doubt in my mind that they’ll be ready on time. I know that Allie will make them run so many sprints that by the time they see me again, their legs will feel like jello. That’s why this practice is so focused on technique.

Mia starts to struggle with a footwork drill we’re running, and instead of just making a note and talking to her about it after practice, Lindsey steps in, and pulls her aside to help her fix it. I have to admit, I’m even floored by her coaching skills. The only thing that I have actual evidence of her being even subpar at, is mini golf, and in the grand scheme of things, I think I can live with that.

“You’re getting it! Just make sure to keep low and use the toe area of the sole of your foot instead of the mid area, okay? You’ve got it!” Lindsey encourages her, somehow teaching a seventeen year old some advanced footwork while also making me swoon.

It took me longer than I would like to admit to get over Lindsey and her flawless coaching, but after that, practice seemed to be smooth sailing. My goalie, Ellie, seemed to be blocking every shot that I took at her. Meanwhile, Hannah, Mia, Sarah, and Hazel all seemed to be sending balls straight into the corners of the net. My back line is still pretty gullible when it comes to one on one situations, but we have time before our first game to iron it out.

When practice ends, Lindsey doesn’t have a shred of a clue as to how much I’ve enjoyed watching her work with my players, and how much they’ve enjoyed working with her. It’s not every high school club team that gets drop in visits from their women’s national team. 

The next time I see Lindsey, is our final date before our week apart. I’m meeting her at a place that’s sort of like the Waffle House, but not the actual thing. She insisted that I keep it a secret from Sonnet, even though we didn’t go to the actual Waffle House. 

“So, you’re going to Portland, I’m going to San Francisco.” I start awkwardly. “I guess we’re going to go be adults for a week. 

“If you count babysitting as an adult thing, then yes, I suppose so.” Lindsey offers, a little sleepy since we’re up so early for her morning flight.

“Whose kids are you babysitting?” I ask, a little surprised she’s taken on a job like that.

“That would be the kids of Mr. and Mrs. O’hara, and Mr. and Mrs. Sonnet.” She replies sarcastically.

“I guess someone from Portland has to keep an eye on them with Tobin gone. I wouldn’t want Christen to have to be the only one.” I add.

We have to pause to order our food, and Lindsey looks at me almost as if I’ve betrayed her when I order french toast instead of waffles. She lets it go after some playful banter though, especially once our food arrives. Then she becomes too hungry to talkz

“Lindsey Horan, I think I’m going to miss you in San Francisco.” I flirt.

“Tierna Davidson I know I'll miss you in Portland. But you know what?” She asks. “It’s only a week and then we’ll be back together again.” 

Lindsey offers me her hand from across the table, which I accept appreciatively. Part of me wonders if I should be telling her about what I’m worried is going to happen while I’m in California, but since we only really have five minutes before I have to drive her to the airport, I just hold her hand instead.

“Alright Linds, you ready to go?”

“Mentally or physically?” 

“C'mon you dork.” I tease, dragging her out to the car.

When we get to the airport, I help her with her two suitcases and her backpack, before almost knocking her over in haste for a hug.

“It’s just a week, and you can call me!” Lindsey insists.

“I know.” Is all I can manage to mumble into her ear.

At this, she relaxes into the hold, letting me keep her there for a minute before letting me go.

“Promise you’ll text me when your plane lands?” Lindsey asks, knowing that by the time her own plane lands, mine will be in the air.

“I will, I promise.”

“I lo-ok, well it looks like I better get going.” Lindsey says, suddenly panicked.

“Bye Lindsey. I’ll miss you.” I say, going in for one last hug from my girlfriend.

Within less than four hours, my Moms’ and I are on a plane of our own, flying towards what I’m almost certain is bad news. At least I’ll have my Moms’ with me. They come through when it counts.


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 50th chapter!! Okay so this is a giant chapter, and if I did my job right, then you should end up feeling all of the feelings. There’s a scene in here that was inspired by someone who commented a long, LONG, time ago, and so credit to HerSweetMockingMouth. I will say *trigger warning* for homophobic slurs, however I will say that it’s pretty brief. If anyone wants a chapter summary before the next chapter, just let me know in the comments! Also, I want you guys to know that the next chapter is from Lindsey’s perspective, and will cover her week in Portland. Let me know what you guys think!

Our plane landing was possibly the greatest relief of the day. Between Hope complaining about her hunger, and Carli snoring on my shoulder, the middle seat wasn’t exactly the greatest experience I’ve ever had. Nevertheless, we’re now in a cab on our way to get Hope food before she gets any grumpier. Apparently that takes precedent before getting to the hotel.

Once we’ve all eaten, and decompressed, we pack ourselves into the back of another cab in pursuit of checking into our hotel for the night. The sun setting over San Francisco isn’t something that’s foreign to me, but it isn’t something I’ve seen for a very long time. At least not since my days at Stanford. Now here I am with my New York based Moms’ reliving one of the few things I enjoyed from my past.

By the time the cab driver stops outside of our hotel, I'm ready to just wash my face and climb into bed, even though it’s only about eight thirty. Lucky for Carli and I, Hope has it in her to carry most of our suitcases inside to the lobby, getting ready to check us in for the night. She gets us each a hotel key before helping us each get our things to the elevator. After the three of us are in the elevator, I lay my head against Carli, starting to feel both the physical and emotional weight of the day setting in. 

“Sleepy?” Carli giggles, earning just a nod from me. “Don’t worry, we’ll be in the room soon, and you can go straight to bed. I don’t want you to be tired for tomorrow, okay?” 

“Mkay.” I mumble, sounding much younger than nineteen.

Once we’re in the room, I throw my duffle bag on the queen bed to the left, while Carli and Hope flop down onto the bed on the right. I unzip my bag quickly to find whichever pair of pajamas is closest to the top, before heading to the bathroom to change and wash my face. When I get out, Carli and Hope have already changed into pajamas, and wish me goodnight before tucking me into bed, and wandering off to the bathroom before bed. Usually I wouldn’t be able to sleep with the unrest in the room, but after a full day of traveling, I'm fully asleep before my head even hits the pillow.

I don’t know which I find more surprising, that I slept peacefully through my first night back in California, or that it’s Hope Solo who’s waking me up this morning. She even seems awake for the most part. Either way, I don’t fight her when she tells me that it’s time to wake up for the first day of shooting for Nike. Especially not when I see that she has a hot chocolate in her hand. 

“For me?” I ask, slurring my words slightly with sleep.

“Well- Um. Yeah, it’s for you.” Hope says, walking away as I take the drink and swing my legs around the bed to sit up.

“You just gave that girl your drink, didn’t you?” Carli whispers into Hope’s ear, far out of my earshot. 

“I can’t help it. She’s pretty damn cute.” Hope admits, slightly ashamed at how much of an influence I have on her.

“Just finish getting ready, okay?” Carli asks her, having just gotten out of the shower herself.

Within the next hour, the three of us have each showered, gotten dressed, and eaten and are now walking to the address I’ve been given for today’s photoshoot. It’s only a five minute walk to a giant building that I’m supposed to be on the twenty sixth floor of, in about eight minutes. The three of us being athletes, we make it on time. 

I have no idea what I expected when I walked into this, but it certainly wasn’t this. I walked in ready to introduce myself to a photographer, and maybe even a stylist, but when I walk through those doors, I’m swarmed by at least twenty people who all seem to know who I am. There’s stylist’s, makeup artists, lighting professionals, designers, assistants, at least three photographers and a director. I turn my head side to side to find Hope and Carli, a little overwhelmed by what’s happening at the moment. Hope seems to have to fight her way through an army of people to get to me, but she does it anyways.

“Can someone explain to both of us what Tierna’s day looks like please?” Hope asks, a little aggravated, but still civil and professional.

“Hi, I’m Hayley. Tierna, I’ll be your assistant while you’re here. I know this is overwhelming, I think that we’re just a little excited to get going. Tierna, everyday that you’re here, you’ll get dressed first, and then makeup, and then after that we’ll shuffle you around to wherever we need you to be to start the shoot for the day. Does that make sense?” Hayley asks, going a mile a minute, presumably walking me to meet my stylist as she talks. 

“Um. I guess.” I stammer, just trying to keep up.

“Great. This is your stylist, she’s going to pick out your different outfits for the day.” Hayley says, scrambling off before I have a chance to say anything.

All of the sudden I’m in a room with Carli, Hope, and a stylist who has yet to introduce herself, but is both talking, and picking out clothes for me to wear at the speed of light. She has armfulls of joggers, and crop tops. Shorts, and sports bras. When I ask about the lack of soccer things for the day, I’m told that today is for modeling the “Nike lifestyle line.” After that I don’t bother saying much, I just watch her grab different clothes before she hands me back to Hayley. I’m taken back towards makeup, Carli and Hope following along.

Once the makeup crew starts touching my face, my anxiety escalates again but I can’t move, and I can’t speak. Unfortunately, all I can do is sit and hope for the best. Luckily for me, the two people who I’ve brought to calm me down, are insightful enough to do just that. Carli somehow senses my discomfort, and steps forward, taking a hold of my hand. I can’t smile at her, that would be too much movement for the makeup crew, but I do make eye contact with her to let her know that I’m thankful.

Once I finish the first makeup session, it’s time for the first half of the photoshoot, this one being in front of a green screen, alone. Both the director and his assistant call out instructions for me, but I don’t feel very comfortable. I’m standing by myself in the middle of a giant room, surrounded by loads of people who want to take pictures of me to be plastered all over the media, as if that isn’t intimidating. The director is telling me that I look stiff, and uncomfortable, and if I didn’t feel so nervous I’d tell him it’s because I am stiff and uncomfortable. However, that’s when Hope starts walking around in the background, a mischievous look in her eyes.

“Kid, look at me.” Hope starts, and all of the sudden, cameras everywhere start clicking. “Remember when we were at Disney World and we had those dorky Mickey ears?” She asks, people also stepping in to reposition me, while also letting Hope work her magic. “Remember how happy we were?” She asks.

“Get her to keep going.” The director whispers to Carli, not knowing exactly how, or why this is working, but seeing a visible difference in the pictures of me while Hope is, versus isn’t talking.

“Or, remember when I beat your girlfriend in a juggling contest?” Hope asks suggestively, getting a full belly laugh from me.

The photographers don’t like me, but they sure do like Hope and I together. We’re one hell of a team, the three of us. Whether we’re doing photoshoots, playing or coaching soccer, or dealing with trauma that I didn’t think I’d ever recover from. Hope protects me, and gets me to laugh, and Carli would go to the ends of the earth to make sure that I’m alright. It’s something I’ll forever be thankful for, and a debt I can never repay.

“So there’s sandwiches in the green room, but they said that we can leave as long as we’re back in time for your makeup touch ups. What sounds good?” Carli asks, knowing that I’m burnt out, and overwhelmed all at the same time.

“Can we take a sandwich, but eat outside?” I ask.

Lunch is quicker than I’d like, but it’s enough to recenter myself. Enough for Carli to calm me down anyways. Hope stays fairly quiet, apparently invested in her turkey sandwich. As an athlete who can run eight miles with no problem, I don’t know why spending three hours around people who want to take my picture is so draining, but it is, and Hope seems to be getting that second hand. 

The second half of the day is largely the same, except this time, they have Carli step in to talk to me from the sides too. She mostly tries to make me laugh by telling me stories about what stupid things Sonnet, and Kelley have done. I can tell that occasionally, she’ll remember that Lindsey was a part of a story she was telling, and she’ll just swap her out for Mal, just so that Hope doesn’t have anything to be angry about. I haven’t been able to talk to my blonde girlfriend all that much since we’ve been here, but I have been thinking about her. If only she had gone with Nike instead of Adidas.

When the first day wraps up, I don’t even want dinner before I drag my Moms’ back to the hotel to shower. I want a shower, and to collapse on top of my bed, where I will eat dinner if it is brought to me. If you can’t tell, it’s been a very, very long day, and I’m just about ready for it to be over. So I eat the room service that Carli orders for me, “so that I don’t starve,” before I set an alarm for tomorrow, and fall asleep, getting ready to do it all again.

The second day goes by the same as the first, with the makeup, clothes and solo photoshoots, but the third day? Well, the third day is my day off. Carli and Hope both asked to see some of my favorite places as a kid, and so we’re going to the beach, even though I don’t like the beach all that much. I just don’t think I’m ready to see the places that I actually did like as a kid. 

When we arrive at the beach, I lay down a towel on the sand, it’s a little cold for getting in the water, even with the California weather. There are barely any other people here on the beach, so there’s loads of space for all of us to go our own separate ways, but we just can’t seem to do it. Carli and Hope each lay out a beach towel next to mine, but Hope starts scrolling through her phone, and Carli pulls out a book; I can’t bring myself to do either. Instead I just sit and watch the waves rock back and forth. Usually, it’s Carli who notices when something’s up with me, but this time it’s Hope. When Hope deals with my various stressors, she always has to handle them as if they’re either the apocalypse, or their a deep seeded strategy game to be won with wit and intellect. Today it’s the latter.

She doesn’t say anything at first, she just starts scrolling through her phone one-handedly, taking her left hand and resting it on my knee without making eye contact. She doesn’t look at me when I look at her hand, and then up at her. Soon after that, she starts moving her thumb back and forth soothingly, which I will admit, calms me down a bit. Then she starts playing with her words.

“It’s pretty out today. Yeah kid?” Hope asks, getting just a nod and a vague grin from me, but also getting Carli to put her book down and pay attention to what’s going on here. “What’s the sea making you think of?” She asks.

Well, for an athlete, Hope is pretty creative. 

“Nothing.” I say, trying to lie my way out of this situation.

“Little love?” Carli asks worriedly.

“I never really liked the beach.” I admit.

“Kid?” Hope asks, her head tilted in confusion. “Then why are we here? Your Mom and I thought it might be fun to see some of the things that we missed out on while you were a kid.”

I hang my head low, a little embarrassed. It doesn’t stay there for long, as Carli tips it up with her index finger, giving me the most reassuring look she possibly can.

“You can tell us whatever you need to. Okay?” 

“I’m worried. I’m worried that if I go back to the places that I loved as a kid that they’ll be different, and that they’ll be sad, and I don’t want you both to see all the places I was sad. You have enough of that in the present.” I admit.

“We can go wherever you want to go, no matter what feelings it may bring up. Okay? It is our job as your Moms’ to be there with you as you experience whatever it is you’re experiencing, whether that’s the greatest joy, or the most devastating grief. So you tell us where you want to go, and we’ll go there.” Hope insists.

“C-can we go to the library?” I ask, wanting to revisit my old respite from the world. 

“Of course. Just put in the address, and we’ll be on our way, okay?” Carli promises.

I think my Moms’ are happier to see the library than I am. From my usual ‘spot’ to the librarian who just so happened to be working today- and still remembered me as “the girl who was always studying.” I don’t miss it, but it’s not the worst thing in the world to revisit your roots. Once Carli and Hope have spent enough time trying to imagine what teenage Tierna must have looked like bent over textbooks while cramming for finals, and avoiding going home, they’re ready to move on and see the next thing, the next place I spent a lot of time at.

“There’s a coffee shop just down the street. I- uh. My Dad introduced me to it when I was little.” I suggest.

“Tierna, we don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” Carli says, cautious at the mention of my Dad.

“No we can go. If that’s alright.” I suggest lightly, getting nods. With that, I start walking them towards the shop. 

“We’re happy to go with you. Really we are.” Hope says, a hand to her chest in sincerity. “But do you want to tell me why you want to go somewhere that reminds you of your Dad?” She asks, leaving the option for me to say no.

“He wasn’t all bad.” I start, knowing that they know very little about my family history. “He wasn’t as bad as my Mom. And he introduced me to smoothies.” I say, excusing some of my Father’s abusive behaviour. Neither Hope nor Carli say anything, they just keep walking alongside me.

When we get to the Coffee shop I’ve known since I could walk, I kind of just stop in front of it. I don’t walk in, or even say anything, I just stop on the sidewalk, confusing the hell out of Carli and Hope. 

“This is the one?” Hope asks.

I nod.

“And you’re sure this is a good idea?” Carli asks.

I nod again, reaching for the door handle, opening the door to find the interior of the shop to be exactly the same as when I left it. Both Carli and Hope hesitantly follow me. Hope walks up to the menu by the counter before I do. Somehow, it slipped my mind that at a coffee shop, you order a drink. I can feel my anxiety elevating, but not enough to want to leave. Just enough that I point to the smoothie I’ve ordered since I was four years old, letting Hope order it for me, the lump in my throat too big for me to order it myself. 

We wait for our drinks by the other end of the counter, Carli quietly offering me small talk just to ease my nerves while we wait. It’s something I appreciate, even though my answers aren’t quite as lengthy as they usually are. I know that not only is she noticing that, but she’s concerned by it, but I ignore it. This is a place I need to face.

Hope’s latte is called first, followed by Carli’s cold brew. My smoothie is the last to come out. I don’t really mind, I’m not in a hurry to be anywhere. When it does come out, and Hope hands it to me, the first sip feels like being backhanded into the past. It stings a little bit, but it’s not all bad. I’m steady enough to walk by the counter to look for a table for the three of us. That’s when the real blow hits.

My biological parents are sitting at a table, drinking coffee and playing cards. I stop suddenly, causing both Carli and Hope to bump into me, both of them thankful that their drinks have lids. Neither of them are sure why I’ve stopped- neither of them have ever seen my biological parents before. All they have are mental images that they’ve drawn up from the stories I’ve told them. They couldn’t have possibly pictured two people drinking coffee and playing cards over their lunch hour before they go back to work. And I can’t picture what’s going to happen next.

If I had any sense at all, I’d run. I’d run to the front door, to the bathroom, really anywhere but here. But for some reason, I am frozen to the ground beneath me, and unfortunately, I’ve been still, and silent enough that they’ve noticed.

“Didn’t think you’d ever come back to California again. Not after the exit you had.” My biological Mom starts.

“I-” I try to speak, but in the end, it just comes out as air.

“I thought we made it clear the first time.” My birth Mother’s icy voice threatens. “You could be a worthless, waste of space, dyke, but you couldn’t be here.”

By this point, Hope and Carli have figured out what’s happening, and they’re not happy about it. Hope is about as enraged as when she found me during what happened in Concacaf, and Carli looks like she’s ready to burst.

“You leave her alone. You may have decided that you don’t want her, but that doesn’t give you the right to convince her that the rest of the world doesn’t want her either.” Hope growls, doing her best to keep her head held high, and her fists held down. Carli wraps her hand around one of her fists, just to make sure she won’t lunge.

“Oh I see what’s going on. She’s been taken in by dykes!” My birth father explains, making Hope angrier and angrier by the minute. “Wow honey, and we thought she was doomed when we sent her off to Stanford!” He jokes to his wife.

“Mum, can we go?” I ask, tears running down my face.

“Sir, your daughter’s future is brighter than yours and your wife’s whole live’s will be combined. When someone steps up to the plate to deliver your eulogy, They’ll talk about how you had this wonderful daughter you gave up, and how your greatest accomplishment was also your biggest mistake! You beat her, and you neglected her, and you abused her, and here she is, a fucking wonder!” Hope roars.

“Ma’am you can’t yell in here.” The manager says, picking up the phone.

“Hope, baby, we have to go.” Carli says, tugging at Hope’s sleeve.

“One day, you’re going to realize what a great kid you got, and just how badly you fucked it up! Because she didn’t pass the ball with the right weight? Because she got an A instead of an A plus? Because she’s gay?” Hope asks, being forcibly dragged by Carli.

If I could give the Uber driver who took us back to our hotel a sixth star, I would. She didn’t say anything, even though Carli was teary, Hope was so angry that her knuckles were white, and I was one step away from sobbing. Lucky for us, it was a short ride. We tip her really, really well.

The concierge of the hotel asks us multiple questions. After all, watching someone Hope’s size and age carry someone my size and age, who is also sobbing, isn’t exactly a scenario that I would want to have in my lobby, but we just breeze right by them and towards the elevator. 

Once we’re in the room, I am fully sobbing. I cry ugly tears that I normally wouldn’t want anyone to see, but that I just can’t hold back anymore. Carli was already crying, but even Hope is crying now at the sight of just how damaging of an experience that was for me. Usually she would have laid me down on the bed by now, to cuddle with me, and maybe try to talk to. But today, she’s still carrying me around the room, bouncing me like a toddler. I guess the violent sobbing can only be met with this kind of love. 

Carli excuses herself to the bathroom, this being the kind of event that everyone probably needs a minute to themselves afterwards, Hope being the unlucky one who gets stuck with me afterwards. Once Carli comes back, she follows us around, rubbing circles on my back, just so that I get as much contact as I can possibly have from the two. As much love as I can possibly get from them. 

When the half an hour mark hits, and I’m still heavily crying, Hope finally sits me down on the bed, sending Carli for a glass of water, knowing that I’m most likely dehydrating myself. The sudden loss of contact makes me cry harder, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Hope puts one hand on my knee, and with the other she wipes tears off of my face, grabbing a tissue to help. For someone who almost exclusively calls me “kid,” she’s called me “sweet girl” and “baby” as much as she possibly can while she’s been trying to get me to calm down. 

When Carli gets back with the water, I take a slow sip, before draining the whole thing in about a minute. Tears still run down my face, but there’s no sound now, just stray tears and the heavy feeling in my chest, which means that Hope and Carli have room to talk to me about what’s just occurred.

“I-I-I I’m sorry.” I cry out, trying not to sob again, Hope lunging forward, hoping to stop this round of tears before it starts.

“It’s not your fault love. You had no idea. You were just trying to show us your childhood. It isn’t your fault baby.” Hope whispers in my ear, still sitting in front of me on the floor while having me sit on the bed. 

“Tierna, I think your Mom and I want to apologize to you.” Hope starts, looking at Carli. I know that neither of them had time to talk about what they wanted to say to me in this moment where they very clearly would have liked to have planned a speech. “Kiddo, we’re sorry we couldn’t protect you. It’s our job as parents to protect you from harm, and today, we messed up big time. We did everything we could, but sometimes.” Hope sighs, “sometimes there are things that we just can’t control. And I wish I could go back and make your parent’s say nicer things to you, or make them not be there at all, but I can’t do that. So I’m sorry that all I could do was tell them how much your Mom and I love you, and how great we think you are. I’m sorry that’s all we had in our control.” Hope says, wiping furiously at tears before they can even fall.

“T-they’re not my parents.” I start, getting confused head tilts from both Carli and Hope. “They never wanted me. They’re not my parents. You’re my parents. My Moms’.” I say, tears still steadily falling.

“Little love, I’m glad you feel that way, but surely you have to want to talk about what just happened. We’re here baby. You can talk to us.” Carli reassures.

“They’ve been doing that my whole life. I don’t want to talk about it.” I say, moving to lie down.

Carli and Hope look at each other panicked, neither very sure as to whether they should press the issue or let it go. Both a little upset themselves after being called a slur in a coffeehouse. They silently debate it, mouthing things back and forth, while I lay down on my side, eyes wide open. They eventually decide to let it go, Hope turning on a movie on TV and Carli reopening the book she was reading at the beach. 

When it’s time for dinner, I tell them that I’m not hungry, insisting on it. So the two of them get food, and offer to share it when they hear my stomach growl, but I just can’t bring myself to eat. They turn on another movie, watching it together before taking turns showering and getting ready for bed. I take a shower too, getting ready for the Nike photoshoot that I know I have in the morning, but afterwards, I get right back into bed, my eyes wide open. Hope and Carli both lay down to go to sleep, but I’m having none of it.

“Tierna?” Carli asks.

“Mm?”

“What are you doing pretty girl?” She asks, the extra coaxing in there with hopes of an answer.

“Nothing.” I reply honestly.

“Nothing isn’t sleeping honey.” Carli says, her tone sweet.

I don’t respond.

“Kiddo? Why don’t you want to sleep?” Hope asks.

“There was already enough that could go wrong in my dreams before today.” I say quietly, hoping that they didn’t catch it.

“Sweet girl, are you afraid of having nightmares?” Carli asks with as much empathy as she possibly can. 

I nod in the dark, knowing that they can’t see me. Before I know it, there are two figures getting into bed with me, each of them wrapping their arms around me as tightly as they can.

“Go to sleep, love. You have a big day tomorrow. We’ll keep you safe, we promise. Right Hope?” Carli asks.

“Right.” Hope reassures, giving me a squeeze for good measure.

I close my eyes reluctantly, but I’m so worn out from the day, that all it took was a minute of closed eyes, darkness, and my Moms’ arms wrapped around me for me to fall into a fitful sleep.

When my alarm goes off, I wake up in tears, having to be calmed down by a barely awake Hope. Carli jumps in the shower and disappears from the room before Hope and I are even out of bed, but Hope makes sure that I get to the photoshoot showered, dressed, fed, and on time.

Today I can’t seem to even let a grin show through. For the stylists, or the makeup crew. I have yet to see Tobin, but I have to imagine that she won’t be getting any smiles either, and neither will the camera. Hayley told me that Tobin and I would have one day where we would be modeling soccer gear together, and one day where we would be modeling lifestyle gear together. Today may be the lifestyle day, but goddamn, I really hope they throw us a ball every once in a while. With what happened yesterday, I don’t know that they’ll get any good shots without one. 

When Hayley leads Hope, Carli, and I out to the photoshoot area, there are more lights than I remember there being in the previous days. More lights, and more people. Everything feels worse. My chest feels tight, and the makeup feels heavy on my face. The only thing that even sort of helps is that I see Tobin. Tobin who insisted that I see Mexico while we were on a soccer trip because I had never been on a vacation before. She looks about as comfortable as I do, with makeup on, and in clothes that she didn’t get to pick out herself. It makes this slightly more tolerable.

No matter how many people try to talk to Tobin and I, or even reposition us by hand, they’ve given up on taking pictures of us without a ball by lunch. However, that doesn’t stop Tobin from noticing that something beyond just the stress of being at Nike is bothering me.

“Carli came to talk to me this morning. She told me that something bad happened to you yesterday and that it wasn’t her place to tell me what it was, but that you might be a little off today.” Tobin starts, completely unbothered. “I would have been able to tell without her. Do you want to talk to me about it?” She asks, rubbing at her eyes, smudging her mascara which will have to be fixed later.

“Not really Tobs.” I try, going for the casual approach.

“You know I’ve been through a lot right? And that I’d never tell anyone, or judge you?” She adds.

I nod.

“Alright. Just thought I’d offer.” She says, starting to walk away.

“Tobin?”

“Yeah?”

“Did your parents care that you liked girls?” I ask shyly, the heaviness in my chest getting heavier.

“Davidson, do you want to get lunch with me?” Tobin asks.

“Yeah, just let me find Hope and Carli first.” I tell her.

Within a few minutes we’re in a Nike conference room with food that’s been catered for us, making small talk while she thinks about how to answer my question. I don’t blame her. It’s not exactly a small one.

“Tierna, my parents don’t approve of the fact that I’m with Christen.” 

“They don't?” I ask cautiously.

“They don’t. They don’t approve of the fact that I like girls.” Tobin says.

“I’m sorry.” I say, understanding what that feels like,

“They love me the best they can, but in their minds, you can’t be both a Christian and gay.” She says.

“Oh.” I say.

“Is that what you came to me about? Religion?” She asks.

I shake my head no.

“Do you want to tell me why you asked me about my parents?” she asks.

“My birth parents kicked me out for being gay about eight months ago. Carli and Hope have been my stand in Moms’. Last night we ran into my birth parents and they said some mean things.” I tell her.

“About being gay, or about you?” Tobin asks, trying her best to stay calm like Carli did.

I nod.

“Tierna, I don’t know what they said, but whether they’re using the basis of religion, or just regular morals, they’re wrong. There’s nothing wrong with you for liking girls.” Tobin insists.

“I’m trying really hard to not believe them. But they told me I was worthless for eighteen years, and now that I’m also a ‘dyke’ to them, I just don’t know what other names they can come up with before they start using the one they gave me at birth.” I tell her, getting upset again.

“T, you’re not worthless. You’re on the U.S. Women’s National team roster, you wouldn’t be worthless if you hadn’t made the roster. You’re a great human being, gay or not gay. Parents are homophobic, but you know what?” Tobin asks, drawing me in closer.

“What?” I ask, a little excited for her answer.

“You’ve started building your found family.” Tobin tells me, the biggest smile on her face. “Your found family, is the family that you choose, the family that loves you for exactly who you are. And you know what?”

“What?” 

“Your found family only gets bigger. It may start with just Hope and Carli. But it sounds like Lindsey may be joining the ranks soon. I know that you have a hard time letting people in, which is why I don’t push to be a part of your life, but I hope that as the seasons go on, I get to join the ranks too, okay kid? You’re not alone out there. There are a lot of people who love you, you’ve just been conditioned to not see them. I know it’s hard.” Tobin explains.

“Tobin?” I say, getting her to look up at me. “You Promise?” I ask.

“I promise.” She swears.

“They may see your flaws eventually, and get irritated when you don’t help their daughter with the dishes because you’re too busy juggling or recreating World-Cup-Winning free kicks in the living room, but even then, they don’t think you’re worthless. And they don’t love you any less.” Tobin says, really trying to drive the point home.

“Which World Cup free kick?” I ask, and with that, our conversation drifts off into a much lighter territory until it’s time to head back out to get our makeup touched up.

Both Hayley and Carli come to find Tobin and I once it’s time to get the second half of the day going. There are makeup artists already on her arm, waiting for each of us, and while neither of us are thrilled, we’re compliant. We let whoever needs to put a new layer of concealer or blush on us do just that before heading to the dressing rooms to put on the clothes picked out for us while we were at lunch. 

Lucky enough for us, we at least get to wear indoor cleats and a U.S. jersey, at least for a few pictures. When we put them on and head out to where the director is, he hands us a ball and tells us to juggle, which gives Tobin the biggest smile I’ve seen all day. Most of the comments we get from people on the sides are from Hope, who’s hounding Tobin to share the ball with me. Truth be told, talking to Tobin helped, but I still don’t really feel like juggling much. I’m much more content to watch her do around the world and cool tricks with her knee’s that I’ve never seen before. 

When the day comes to an end, Tobin hands me a piece of paper, with numbers that look oddly like a phone number on it, earning a confused head tilt from me. 

“I know you’ve told me that my number is in your phone, but I don’t know that I believe you. So here it is again. You can call me. Really you can. Whether or not big things happen like they did yesterday, or you’re just hanging out with that new girlfriend of yours. The fact that she’s been in with New York with you is creating more work for me.” She trails off. “Hope and Carli may be ready to be parents, but I’m not.” She says, confusing me once again, before I understand it.

“Sonnet.” I say, understanding that she’s talking about the faux babysitting she’s been doing while Lindsey’s been away.

“Sonnet.” Tobin repeats. “I’ll see you at the field tomorrow dude.” Tobin says, her Portland vibes showing through.

Tobin is gone before I can thank her, but Hope and Carli manage to sneak up on me, causing me to jump when they finally let me know they’re behind me.

“Back to the hotel for the night?” Carli asks, seeming about as tired as I am.

I just nod, leading the way. Hope lets her hand brush against mine, knowing that this whole week has been hell bent on destroying me, and I brush hers back, too embarrassed to accept it by myself, but needing the extra comfort that I don’t usually go for. Seeing this, Carli takes my other hand, having us walk three in a row, all the way until one of us needs a hand to find a key to open the door to our hotel room. 

I take the first shower to get all of the makeup I’ve been subjected to throughout the day. When I come back out, Hope and Carli go quiet, as if they were talking about something they didn’t want me to hear about. Carli gets up as fast as she can to wrap me up, just holding me there for a minute. I squeeze her back as tightly as I can, knowing that I can’t exactly do much else to make her feel better. Hope showers next, and Carli goes after she does. They each get into their own bed, and I nervously pick up my pillow off of my own bed and stand at the side of theirs, waiting for permission to get in with them. Once they do, I climb into bed, nuzzling into Hope but keeping my eyes open.

“Are you afraid to fall asleep again?” Hope asks, stroking my hair.

I nod, hiding my face in her neck.

“We’ll protect you. You can fall asleep kiddo.” She says, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“Okay Mum.” I say, repositioning myself between the two.

Unfortunately, this night isn’t exactly as peaceful as last night was. I wake up thrashing and screaming in tears, barely able to catch my breath once I do. Carli shoots up from her sleep first, but Hope isn’t far behind.

“Cry it out love, it’s okay.” Carli tells me, wrapping me up and holding the back of my head to her shoulder for extra support.

“Breathe too though.” Hope panics, getting as close to the two of us as she can.

I just cry it out while they both do everything to calm me down. Even when the tears stop flowing heavily, it’s not that I’ve calmed down, it’s that I’ve run out of tears.

“Kid, you want to tell us what that dream was about?” Hope asks, Carli leaning me back a little bit.

“Was it your parents?” Carli pushes, getting a nod from me.

“You didn’t want me either.” I tell them, my eyes welling up again. “I was alone again.” I cry. 

Hope lunges forward to wrap me up, something about what I’ve said clearly having struck a nerve with her. She pulls me into her lap, pressing a kiss to my temple and saying whatever she can think to say. 

“We want you so much. Kiddo, we want to be your Moms’ and there’s nothing that anyone could do that would change that. Okay?” Hope says.

“Moms’” I cry, wishing that I could somehow attach myself to them.

“You’re okay love. We love you, and we’re always going to be your Moms’. Now how about we go back to sleep?” She asks.

With that, the three of us sleep semi-peacefully through the night, only waking up at the sound of Carli’s alarm. Hope presses the snooze button at least twice before climbing out of bed, but Carli gets out of bed to shower and get coffee before the both of us have really even started our day.

What makes today a little bit easier, is that today, Tobin and I aren’t standing in front of a green screen working with photographers. We’re playing soccer on a field, with photographers working around us. It feels good to be in cleats with a ball, even if I’m not allowed to run enough to sweat. Apparently Tobin and I are photogenic, just only when we have a ball at our feet. So much so, that we barely even hear any directions from directors or photographers. Makeup artists are all over us though. The outdoors apparently aren’t ideal for photoshoots.

When we wrap up the day, Tobin makes sure to remind me that I have her number in my phone, and that she’s always only a call and a flight from Portland away. I giggle at that part, and tell her goodbye, and to watch Sonnet for Lindsey. 

After Tobin and I part ways, Hope, Carli and I head to the airport, ready to go home. We get on our plane, and spend six hours on a flight back to New York, landing safely. From there, it’s only a short drive to the house I’ve come to call home, with the people I’ve come to call Moms’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my promise to all of you as readers, that the next chapter will be nothing, absolutely NOTHING but fluff. Sorry about all of the angst, I hope it was at least semi-enjoyable!


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS FROM LINDSEY’S POINT OF VIEW. Inspired by a request from Duckyy. I tried to make this as fluffy as possible, but if you guys have fluff you want to see, drop a comment. I like to think I’m pretty good about honoring requests? I hope you guys like this.

“Lindsey.”

“Lindseyyyyy.” Sonnet drunkenly whines, upset that she’s not catching my attention, which is currently focused on a brown haired, blue eyed girl that’s in California for the week.

“Lindsey, if you don’t pay attention to me soon I’m going to light Kelley on fire.” Sonnet deadpans, apparently needier than when I last left her.

“What?” I ask, having zoned back in at the word “fire” coming out of Sonnet’s mouth.

“You’re off in your own little world instead of here with Kelley and I. If you’re not going to think about anything Kelley or I say, then will you at least tell me about what you’re thinking about.” Sonnet says, taking a sip of her margarita.

“You know, Kelley is drunk off her ass and not making much sense anyways.” I quip, trying to get out of explaining that I was thinking about Tierna.

“Linessi?” Sonnet says, failing to raise both of her eyebrows. “Are you hiding something from me?” She says, chaotic, per usual.

“I’m not hiding anything, you know about Tierna and I.” I reply as smoothly as I possibly can, taking a drink to cover up the grin that I can’t seem to stop from appearing on my face.

“Kelley! Lindsey’s thinking about Tiernaaaaa.” Sonnet says, looking at her own girlfriend who’s currently trying to play darts, but hitting more spaces on the wall than on the board.

Kelley walks over, her outfit looking as though she’s supposed to be competing in a competition with Frat boys as to who can drink the most beers while remaining on their feet. It’s not a real competition, but if it was, she’d barely still be in it.

“No way dude!” Kelley starts, her face bright with excitement. “Why?” She asks, a newfound confusion having registered.

“Kelley, we talked about this. Lindsey and Tierna are dating.” Sonnet says, her own drunkenness starting to show. 

I let them talk it out, before I eventually convince them that they’ve had enough drinks and that it’s time to go home. It’s my first night back in Portland, and I won’t even be spending it at my own apartment, I’ll instead be spending it taking care of Kelley and Sonnet and making sure that neither of them get alcohol poisoning. Somehow, that makes it feel all the more like home. 

I don’t exactly why I insisted on driving Tierna home using her own car on our first date, but I guess the idea of me driving other people’s cars stuck. Once I get both Kelley and Sonnet into the backseat, I grab the keys that I had already confiscated once it was established that I wouldn’t be drinking tonight, and use them to start the car and drive us to Kelley’s apartment.

Lucky for me, Kelley can handle her alcohol well enough to walk to the elevator, and Sonnet is fairly light and needs minimal support, just an arm around the shoulder type of an ordeal. Once they're both upstairs, they barely need any help. Kelley just unapologetically starts stripping at the door, and reappears in a baggy t-shirt, and Emily can change by herself, which leaves me to start pouring everyone water- waters that they will definitely need. After I’ve forced them each to have at least one glass of water, I let them go to bed, my mind at ease that they don’t have alcohol poisoning. Just to be safe, I grab a blanket, lie down on their couch, and settle in for the night. 

It’s three thirty in the morning when Kelley trudges out into the kitchen to get water. Her footsteps are loud enough to wake me up, but not loud enough that I’m concerned enough to get up and go after her, so truth be told I just let her get water and go back to bed. However, while she’s walking past the living room, she sees me on the couch, and stops, apparently completely unalarmed that there’s a person on her couch in the middle of the night.

“Lindsey?” She asks, her voice dry and scratchy from sleep. “That is you right?” She asks, too tired to do anything even if it wasn’t me.

“It’s me.” I reply, finding that my voice doesn’t sound much better than Kelley’s.

“Why are you here?” She asks, pulling the blanket she has wrapped around herself a little closer.

“To make sure that you and Sonnet didn’t get into too much trouble while you were drunk last night.” I admit, sinking into the couch a little bit.

It’s too dark to completely tell, but I think that Kelley smiles a little bit. “It’s nice to have you back in Portland Lindsey.” Is all Kelley says before trudging back to bed, leaving me to go back to sleep.

When Sonnet wakes up, it’s a slightly different story. She comes out with Kelley, both having woken up from Kelley’s alarm. Apparently they’ve started running together every morning at the same time. Kelley looks fine to go. Emily on the other hand, looks like she needs at least four glasses of water and then a nap. Instead of listening to me when I tell her to take it easy with her hangover though, she not only insists on going with Kelley on her run, but that I also come along on their morning run. Knowing that she’s never been one to listen to reason, I accept the running clothes she’s asking me to borrow and I lace up the running shoes that I had conveniently left here the last time I was here. 

I know that Kelley loves Sonnet, and there are a lot of reasons that I know this, but right now it’s because while Sonnet is struggling to run a fifteen minute mile due to being hungover, and Kelley is acting like she could barely even run a sixteen minute mile when she and I both know she’d rather be running a six minute mile. Lucky enough for her, Sonnet agrees to let me take her back to her apartment after she throws up in the second mile, leaving Kelley to run as fast and as long as she’d like.

I let Sonnet take the first shower while I make her some tea, with the idea in mind that she can drink it while I’m in the shower. It partially works. She takes a few sips while she grabs me yet another set of clothes to change into. After I get out of the shower, I find her asleep in her chair with her teacup three fourths of the way full on the coffee table. I let her sleep for a while knowing that she probably needs it with the chaotic lifestyle she and Kelley have chosen to inhabit. 

I wake Sonnet up with avocado toast, which has her experiencing the whole spectrum of emotions all within fifteen seconds. I’d laugh, but she’d get angry, and I don’t want her plotting jump scares against me right now. As soon as she’s taken a few bites, she pulls out her phone and motions for me to sit down, which earns a confused head tilt from me.

“I have to show you all the spicy memes you missed while you were gone.” She explains.

“So what were you tagging me in then?” I laugh.

“Spicy memes.” She deadpans and pauses. “But I have more.” She tells me. And with that, I settle in and let her show me her memes, knowing that this about as Sonnet as Sonnet gets.

We spend at least a half an hour laughing at things that Sonnet found in various places on the internet. However, after a while, I found myself getting distracted, thinking about a New Yorker who’s most likely being prodded with makeup and camera’s right now. 

“Lindsey?” Sonnet asks, putting her phone aside.

I raise my head, giving her my full attention.

“You spaced again.” She tells me, not disappointed exactly, but observant.

“Sorry Son, my mind drifted.” I admit.

“Will you at least tell me about her? We had exactly one conversation before you asked her out, and then everything just kind of happened.” Sonnet encourages.

“Sonnet I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to leave you out of the loop. Things just got really big and intense really fast.” I apologise to Sonnet who playfully shoves me.

“What do I have to do to get you to tell me about her?” She asks.

“What do you want to know?” I ask cautiously.

“Tell me the whole story.” Sonnet says. “I know that I know bits and pieces of it, but I want to hear the whole thing.” She insists.

I smile and bite my lip, thinking of the beginning of the story, trying to find a place to start. Sonnet was the start, even though she knows that, but I guess I’ll start there.

“You know that when she first started getting caps, she and I started getting meals together during camps and games. Nothing big, just a salad or two every once in a while.” I start, already feeling the pure joy of talking about Tierna. “Son, you noticed first. I think I came back from getting Chipotle with her, and I was just a little bit peppier than I usually am, and you called me on it.” I tell her.

“I remember. You couldn’t stop smiling, and you told me you thought her freckles were ‘cute.”’ Sonnet exclaims, getting a little too excited.

“And my feelings just grew from there, but it took me a long time to do anything about it. I guess I was nervous. She’s nineteen and I’m twenty two, and teammates dating is always a big deal. So I didn’t do anything until one night about a month and a half ago you cornered me and told me that I needed to ask her out.” I say, still holding a slight grudge about that.

“Hey! I’d say it worked out pretty well for you.” Sonnet defends.

“Son, you threatened to leak the video of me after I had just had the oral surgery and was still high on anesthesia!”

“And it worked!” She says, giggling a bit.

“Alright, alright, so she flew out to Portland.” I pause. “I took her ice skating, and she was so bad at it, but that meant that I got to help her.” I beam, remembering the night like it was yesterday. “And then I took her to get smoothies, and we went through the drive through, so we were in my car. She held up her wallet like she was trying to pay, and I knocked it into the backseat.” 

“You idiot.” Sonnet jokes.

“Well, I was kind of an idiot.” I pause. “We had been on one date, and I brought her her wallet back. In New York.” I tell her, making eye contact before laughing. “It seems like such a dumb idea now, but in the moment, I had such a good feeling about it. I made Allie help me and everything”

“What did she do?” Emily asks.

“She panicked, like any regular person would do. The day that I flew in, she told me that her biological parents had disowned her, and that Hope and Carli had gone beyond the role of team parents-”

“Wait, Hope and Carli are her real parents?” Sonnet asks, jealousy in her voice.

“You’re just jealous because you couldn’t get Ashlyn and Ali to be your team parents.” I quip. “But yeah, they are. The first time I met Hope as Tierna’s girlfriend, she threatened to have me ‘catch the hands that have won a golden glove’, I was absolutely terrified, but for Tierna’s sake, I pretended it was fine.” 

“Lindsey. I am begging you. Please let me make that into a meme.” Sonnet begs.

“Go for it. Just don’t show anyone who doesn’t know about Tierna and I. Which leaves Carli, Hope, Becky, Allie, Kelley, and then you, and half of the people on that list would redirect that threat towards you if they saw that meme.” I warn her. She makes it anyways. “After that, Tierna and I just spent most of the days hanging out in New York.” I tell her, our conversation’s tempo decreasing. “She coaches a high school club soccer team at an academy that Hope just opened this season. She has a dog that she named Harley.”

“So that it could be Harley Davidson?” Sonnet asks.

“She’s clever like that.” I smile.

“I’m glad you found someone. She seems like a good fit.” Sonnet says.

At that moment, Kelley bursts through the door, absolutely dripping in sweat. She insists that we shouldn’t let her entrance stop our conversation, but I insist that I should go, knowing that tonight I’m having dinner with Becky. Sonnet reluctantly lets me leave, knowing that she’ll see me again before the week is through. I hug her goodbye and take an Uber to my apartment, feeling a slight sense of both loneliness and nostalgia knocking at my door.

When I get back to my apartment, I make myself lunch and turn on the TV. I eat in the kitchen, laughing along to a Seinfeld rerun. It’s how I decompress after traveling and then taking care of Kelley and Sonnet for the night.

After an hour or so of comedy TV and sleepy daydreams, I decide to go for a walk before I start getting ready for dinner with Becky. I don’t get far away from my apartment on my walk before I find places that I find myself wishing I could share with my girl who’s currently in California. There’s Providence Park, where we’ve played as opponents, but never just the two of us for fun. There’s my favorite coffee shop where we’ve been before, but where we could be again. There’s a little park just south of Becky’s place where Sonnet and I like to train sometimes, where maybe Tierna could meet Sonnet one day. The truth is, I don’t think in the world I end up, as long as I end up with Tierna. 

Circling back to my apartment, I think about the threats I’m more than likely to receive from Becky at dinner. I think about how I’d much rather receive hundreds of threats from every single one of our teammates than have Tierna have to face a single one of them. I’ve always known that because of our age gap, people would perceive me as the one doing the hurting, not the one getting hurt. I know it’s optimistic of me, but I really hope that Tierna and I stay together.

Becky sends me the address to the restaurant she wants to meet at, and after doing a quick google search, I realize that not only should I put on a nice outfit, but I should probably do my hair and makeup too. I straighten it really quickly, almost burning the ends, and I put on light makeup, not trying too hard. Then I put on a black dress and some flats, grabbing the keys to my car and putting the address into my GPS.

When I show up to the restaurant, Becky is already there and waiting for me, dressed equally as nice, but much more mature than I am. She looks witty, sharp, and ready to snap at any time, her eyes narrowed.

“Lindsey!” Becky starts, her face lifting with excitement. “It’s nice to see you. How has New York been?” She asks.

“It-it’s been alright.” I say, sitting down in confusion.

“Have you seen the city at all?” She continues, making small talk with me.

“Yeah, I have.” I start, before taking a breath. “Becky, are you not going to tell me not to break Tierna’s heart?” I ask.

“Do you need to be told not to break Tierna’s heart?” Becky asks, taking a sip of water as she does so.

“No.” I admit blankly.

“Then no. I trust that you won’t do anything to break her heart.” Becky starts. “You’re both good kids. So don’t do anything stupid.” She says, taking another sip.

“That’s it?” I ask, surprised.

“That’s it.” She confirms. “I think you like her too much to hurt her.” 

“I do.” I tell her genuinely.

“I think you like her more than you’re willing to admit.” Becky pauses. “Even to yourself.” 

“And what does that mean?” I ask.

We’re interrupted by a waiter, whom we promptly deliver our orders to.

“You've always looked happy, but you’ve always looked lonely.” Becky says. “And now you look so.. joyful. I guess it could be something other than Tierna. Maybe you’ve started doing crossfit for all I know.” Becky laughs, throwing her head back and everything. “But honestly, I think it’s Tierna.” 

I don’t even know what to reply to that. I had already realized that I was in deep for Tierna. But not that deep. She makes my breath hitch when I first see her, and she makes me laugh full belly laughs. She gives me butterflies, but the good kind- because I know that I can always be authentic around her. She’s the first person I think about when I wake up, and the last person I think about before I go to sleep. If she wanted the last bite of my avocado toast, I’d give it to her; okay, well, maybe not that far, but I’d at least split it with her. All the while these thoughts are knocking around in my head, I’m realizing that I love her. I am in love with Tierna Davidson.

“Uh, Lindsey? You alright there?” Becky asks, waving a hand in front of me.

“You’re right.” I admit.

“What?” Becky asks, completely thrown off guard.

“You’re right. It’s Tierna.” I tell Becky, this revelation being only slightly overwhelming.

“Do you want to explain what you’re talking about?” Becky asks, her eyebrows narrowed and raised.

“You asked if Tierna was why I was doing better, and I hadn’t even thought of it like that, but you’re right.” I explain. “I’m okay by myself, I always have been and I always will be, I know how to be happy.” I tell her. “But, when I’m with her, everything just feels… right.” I explain. “Becky, I think I love her.” I admit with wide eyes.

“Woah, slow it down there Linds.” Becky says. “Hasn’t it only been a month?” 

“It’s been two moths.” I argue, blushing a bit.

“Lindsey, she’s getting ready to go to court because she was raped. Her parents abandoned her because she’s gay, and now she’s adjusting to having parents who don’t hit her when something doesn’t go their way. If you go back to New York and tell her you love her-” Becky says, pausing. “You might unintentionally hurt her.” 

“So you think I shouldn’t tell her?” I ask, a little deflated.

“I didn’t say that. I think you should wait until things are stable enough for her to be able to react to it in an unbiased way.” She admits.

“Alright.” I say, taking a bite of the food that’s just been dropped off at our table.

“You fell for a girl who’s got a lot on her mind. You have to decide if you’re okay with waiting, or if you want to deal with the consequences of telling her now.” Becky tells me.

“Becky” I start, my eyebrows narrowing in genuinity. “I think that if you love someone, if you really love them, then you do whatever you can to make them feel loved, even if that means you can’t tell them you love them.” I tell her, taking a bite of my whole wheat pasta.

“When did you get that smart?” Becky starts. “And how did you do it with Sonnet around?” She quips.

“I guess you could say it was when I started living here in Portland.” I tell her, taking a sip of my water.

The rest of dinner goes by fairly well. Small talk and dinner topped off with dessert. Sauerbrunn tells me about all of the goofy things that Tierna has done that I wasn’t around for. I tell her some of the things that Kelley and Sonnet have done that she finds funny, but doesn’t approve of.

“Alright Linds. Let’s call it a night, but don’t stay away too long.” Becky tells me, smiling. “I care about Tierna, but I care about you too.” 

“Thanks Becky.” 

The night ends as peacefully as it started, and tonight, I end up sleeping on my own mattress, which is a nice change from the one in Allie’s spare room, not that I’m complaining. I sleep curled up in a ball, peaceful and calm. I wake up on my own accords, knowing that the first thing I have on my schedule is a training session with my favorite personal trainer in Portland. 

The training session ends up taking up nearly half of my day. However I don’t really mind, seeing that the only thing I have to get ready for after I’ve stretched, showered, and had my post-session snack, is movie night with Kelley and Sonnet. So naturally I put on sweatpants and the softest t-shirt I own. They’ll probably be wearing each other’s pajama pants anyways. 

I could have walked to Sonnet’s, but since it’ll be dark by the time I get home, I decide to take my car, parking it in the metered spaces across the street. Once I grab the popcorn I brought with me, I head upstairs to find Kelley attempting to jump onto Sonnet’s back from the couch, and Sonnet screaming the punch lines to vines that we’ve been laughing at for years. I make a note to ask Christen if she’d like to get dinner on me. Keeping Sonnet and Kelley alive isn’t exactly the easiest task out there.

“Have you two even thought about a movie?” I ask. “I brought popcorn.” I say, holding up the bag for them to see.

Sonnet races towards the bag of popcorn, but Kelley the vegetable enthusiast isn’t exactly impressed. Kelley opens up her scratched up copy of Bend It Like Beckham, popping it into the DVD player. Considering that it’s Kelley’s favorite movie, and Sonnet’s third favorite movie, I’m shocked that it’s even been a month since I’ve seen it. Nevertheless, we all enjoy the low quality soccer playing, acting, and story line that somehow resulted in a great movie. 

Sonnet throws popcorn at me every time I don’t immediately respond, which ends up with Kelley taking a video of me walking around, completely unaware that I have popcorn in my hair. Sonnet tries to teach me a tik-tok dance that she and Kelley have been learning, but I get all of the moves wrong, which also ends up on video, which I’m sure will end up on someone’s instagram story. To summarize the night, they like embarrassing me, and because they make me laugh, I decide to keep them around. Even though I’m completely aware that they’ll give me a full head of grey hair by age thirty.

By the time I get home, Christen has texted me back, insisting that bailing Kelley and Sonnet hasn’t been too much trouble, but that she would love to get dinner anyways. I pick the time, she picks the place, and of course tomorrow we’ll be having the early bird special at the healthiest place in Portland. After settling that, I put my phone aside to get ready for bed, thinking of Tierna and how she’s probably washing all of her heavy photoshoot makeup off right about now.

The following day is about as peaceful as they come. I wake up, go for a run, do a quick ball work session, before showering and having breakfast. Considering that all I have on my schedule is dinner with Christen, all I have to do is kill time until then. So for a while I pace around my apartment, clueless as to what I should do until then, however, after a while, I sit down, bored with the pacing, and do a quick google search. After that, I grab my keys and head to Target.

A weighted blanket. I’m buying Tierna a weight blanket for her anxiety. But not only am I getting her the weighted blanket, I’m going to stitch things onto the border of it. I’m absolutely awful at sewing, so it should take up at least until I have to meet Christen for Dinner. At least that was my thought when I was in the checkout line holding a weighted blanket, a couple of spools of thread and a sewing kit.

I came to find out that sewing was even harder than I thought it was. Sewing just our names into the edging of it took me twenty minutes. I took some glee in sewing “catch these hands” next. Hope’s first threat was at least a funny one. After that I went through different smoothie orders, and ice skate sizes, even taking the time to sew a little ice skate which took forty minutes. After taking the time to think about it, I sewed the name of the restaurant we went to in New York. 

Once I sort of ran out of things to stitch into it that we had already done, I checked the clock to see if I still had time before meeting Christen, and with an hour left, I started stitching things into the last two sides that I hope will be a part of our future together. Like Providence Park, and winning the World Cup. It’s almost like a focused daydream, being stitched into reality, even if it is only on a blanket. 

When I check the clock again, I realize that I’m not exactly late to meet Christen, but that I should definitely start rushing around to get ready. Even though I’m short on time, I throw the finished blanket into the washing machine, excited to give it to Tierna once we’re both back in New York. After doing that, I throw my hair up into a ponytail, grab my keys, and head to meet Christen downtown.

Heading into the restaurant, I can already see Christen’s top knot, which looks flawless as always. I wave to her before ordering food and taking my number, putting it down next to hers when I sit down across from her at the table. 

“So you managed to keep Kelley and Sonnet alive for two weeks while I was gone.” I start. “That’s no small feat.” I joke.

“To be fair, I rarely intervened. They’re probably covered in bruises, and they’ve probably ingested some things that they shouldn’t have. But they did live.” She says, raising her water glass to celebrate.

“Thanks for at least kind of keeping an eye on them. You and Tobin probably have better things to do.” I laugh.

“I don’t know, with the offseason, she’s busy doing her Nike photoshoot and taking care of your girl, and I’m just training whenever I get the chance.” Christen says.

“Wait what do you mean?” I ask, not completely deadening the mood, but becoming slightly more serious.

“Well you know, you can’t train everyday in the offseason. At least not with other people. I always get in some sort of workout whether it’s a run or a session in the gym, or just playing one on one with Tobin, but I like to take it somewhat easy. You know?” Christen asks casually.

“Christen, that's nice, but I meant Tobin taking care of Tierna. What did you mean by that?” I ask, causing Christen, who’s almost never caught in a moment like this, to blush.

“Well when Tobin called, she just said that Tierna had seen her parent’s and was having a rough time.” Christen says, not understanding the gravity of the situation. “Woah, Linds, are you okay? You look sick.” She follows up, after my face completely falls at the thought of not being there for my girlfriend while she’s facing her parents.

And then it dawns on me. When Tierna was telling me about going to California for a photoshoot, I never asked her if she wanted me to go with her, but I also never gave her the chance to say anything about it. Did I do the right thing by coming to Portland, or should I be there in California with her while she’s facing whatever it is that she’s facing?

“Lindsey, you’re scaring me a little bit.” Christen says, her expression conveying nothing but concern.

“Sorry. I-I just. She didn’t call to tell me any of that.” I start to tell her before our food comes. “Before she left, she told me that she was leaving for California for the week, but I didn’t know that her parents lived in California. So I told her I would come back to Portland for the week and meet her back in New York when she got back.” I say, my eyes looking down at my feet. “Did I do the wrong thing?” I ask, looking up at Christen with wide eyes.

“Oh honey, I don’t think there’s anything you could have done. You didn’t know what was waiting for her there, and she didn’t tell you. All you can do is support her on the things she chooses to share with you.” Christen explains.

“But what if she’s all alone in California, having to deal with this by herself?” I ask, my fear getting the best of me.

“Linds, Tobin, Carli, and Hope are all there with her. I know that you have a newfound sense of protectiveness over her, but there are other people who care about her, and you have to let them care about her too, okay?” 

“They can care about her, it’s just that I wanted to be the one to protect her from everything.” I say sarcastically.

“Tierna may have a lot going on, but she’s also strong. She can do some of the heavy lifting when it comes to protecting herself too. Never underestimate a girl from California.” Christen says with a wink.

“You’re right. I’ll ask her about it when she gets back, but if she doesn’t want to share it with me, then it’s not something I can push for her to share with me.” I say, trying my best not to think about the girl I love being in pain.

“There you go.” Christen tells me. “Healthy relationships are hard, especially for people who have been traumatized as much as she has, but I’m rooting for you guys.”

“Alright.” I say, taking a bite of my food. “Tell me about whatever Tobin’s been up to lately.” I ask, knowing that Christen could talk about this for hours on end.

The following hour is spent talking about Tobin’s latest painting, Christen’s dog Morena, and who we think has the highest chances of getting called up for the first time this next season. In that order. Christen and I vastly disagree on who’s going to be called up, but she’s strongly against betting on it, which reminds me why I’m friends with people like Kelley and Sonnet. I have enough brain cells to keep up with Christen, it’s just that I need the small element of surprise to make life interesting.

When dinner ends and I get back to my apartment, I move Tierna’s blanket from the washer to the dryer, it’s importance having grown after tonight’s dinner conversation. I realize that it’ll probably make my suitcase reach the weight where I’ll have to pay extra at the airport, but I could care less about that. It’s been two months, and I’m pretty sure that I’d do just about anything for this girl. 

After some more pacing, I get ready for bed, with nothing on my schedule besides some time at the park with Kelley and Sonnet to train for tomorrow. I dust off the shelf in my bathroom after I put my face wash back, realizing that the dust buildup from being gone for two weeks is no joke. After doing that, I climb into bed while setting an alarm, sending happy thoughts to Tierna, just hoping that she can feel them in California.

My last day in Portland goes about as well as expected. Sonnet and Kelley heckle me for leaving, especially considering that I’m leaving to go see Tierna back in New York. When they start calling me a ‘simp’ I start pulling out the high intensity drills where I know that they won’t be able to talk. Both of them know that I’ve done it on purpose, but honestly, they both enjoy the intensity of the game, so neither of them complain.

Once I’ve said goodbye to the most chaotic couple known to mankind, I head back to my place for a shower, and lunch. And to pack of course, but I really hate packing, which means that it gets done slowly, and it takes me forever. However, all of my things seem to find their way into my suitcase, besides the things I’ll need before I get on my plane in the morning. 

I spend the evening by myself, not bothering to reach out to any other Portland teammates or friends. It was a short trip, and I didn’t have much time to see anyone other than the two chaos kids who don’t leave my sides when I’m in town. So instead, I put on a movie, and fall asleep on my couch, almost forgetting to set an alarm before I drift off.

I force Sonnet to take me to the airport in the morning so that I don’t have to Uber with a suitcase. She’s not pleased about it, but she knows that I’d do the same for her. So when she helps me get my suitcase out of the trunk, there’s minimal grumbling about the time, and a hug to say goodbye. 

Airport security lines are short and quick, and luckily for me, so is the time I have to wait before my plane boards. I’m one of the last on, but I still can’t seem to mind. I’m stuck in a day dream about a girl who I’m now slightly more worried about than usual, but whom I love, and whom I hope will one day love me.


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My depressive episodes kind of correlate with Tierna’s, so, sorry about that. Honestly if you guys have ideas for fluff, please, please, PLEASE, drop me a comment. I’ve got the angst covered.

I’ve been home for exactly twenty two minutes. Well, twenty two minutes at Carli’s house, but I guess I’ve been in New York for about an hour. Hope is out picking up Harley from our dog sitters, which was somewhat of an issue. She asked Carli and I to go, but when I said I’d rather stay home to read, Carli insisted on staying with me. So now Hope is alone picking up my dog, while I’m sitting on my bed, not even reading, and wishing that I could do as much for her as she does for me.

I don’t answer the knock at my door, but Carli being Carli just opens the door slowly, thinking that silence constitutes a yes, as long as you open the door slowly enough. She’s brought me cut up fruit, but when she sees me, she puts it down on my dresser and sits down next to me on my bed. She wipes away a tear that I wasn’t even aware had fallen. The past couple of days, I haven’t felt much like crying, but crying seems to be all I do. So instead of actively choosing to cry, I just sort of leak stray tears that demand to be cried, but not to be acknowledged. 

“Sweet girl.” Carli coos, her voice sounding just as hurt as mine would if I tried to talk. “Do you want to tell me what you’re crying about?”

“I didn’t even know I was crying Mom.” I admit solemnly.

“Do you?” Carli says, raising her eyebrows suggestively. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” She asks, referring to the run in with my parents in San Francisco. 

I shake my head. “It happened, and now it’s time to move on I guess.” I say, my shoulders slumped and my head hanging low.

“Little love, it’s okay to process your emotions, and it’s okay to do that with me.” Carli reassures me, rubbing my back. “It doesn’t have to be me either. There are a lot of people who love you. You could talk to your Mum, Allie, or Becky. Maybe even Lindsey.” Carli suggests, seemingly looking for something to make this situation even slightly better. For the first time, not being able to find anything.

I offer her a cheap excuse, before thanking her for the cut up fruit she’s brought me, taking a few bites to get her to leave before putting it aside. All of the things that make me human seem to have left me, even hunger. So I lay back down and look up at my white, popcorn ceiling, thinking about nothing other than the patterns directly, but hiding much more under the surface.

When Hope gets home, even Carli loses it.

“Hope, what do we do?” Carli says, her hands thrown up in defeat. “Our girl is upstairs ‘reading’, but she’s really just staring blankly into space, and when I found her, she was crying.” 

“We could start by bringing her Harley?” Hope suggests, trying to remain a calm for her fiance. 

“Hope, babe, she’s crying about being told that she’s worthless by the people who brought her into this world. Harley is wonderful, and she helps a lot, but I don’t think she can solve this one by herself.” Carli argues.

“Well then what happened to therapy?” Hope shoots back.

“I know that there’s therapy, but what about us? This isn’t the kind of thing that one therapy session can fix. What do we do to help her?” Carli asks, desperate for some kind of answer.

“Carli, honey, I know you want to fix her, but I think that the only thing we can do is love her through this.” Hope deadpans.

“Do we call in reinforcements?” Carli asks, stepping into Hope’s outstretched arms.

“What do you mean?” Hope asks, letting out a sad laugh.

“What if she’s too sad to call Lindsey? Or Allie? Do we call them?” Carli asks.

“Do we have to involve Lindsey?” Hope whines.

“Hope, you and I both know that you have a soft spot that’s growing for that girl, no matter how much you try to deny it.” Carli says. “But what do you think? Should we reach out to them?”

“I don’t think we should stage an intervention if that’s what you’re proposing. But it might be a good idea to let Lindsey know what she’s walking into on her next date. I can call her and let her know that Tierna isn’t exactly feeling well, but that we, as her parents, don’t want her to isolate herself up in her room.” Hope says into Carli’s shoulder. “Does that sound like a plan?” She asks, standing up straighter.

“You go call Lindsey. Tell me what she says afterwards though.” Carli says, feeling a little extra overprotective of me tonight.

Hope leaves the room to call Lindsey, and Carli lays anxiously on the couch with Harley, all the while I sit unknowingly on my bed. It takes about five minutes for Hope to come back with her phone in hand, having already hung up. Carli stands up in anticipation, waiting to see how her meddling has played out. 

“She says that she’s going to ask Tierna to go out with her tomorrow. So come on now. You and I should probably get some sleep. Let's go say goodnight to our girl.” Hope says, delivering the much anticipated news. “Do you want to bring her Harley, or should I?” She asks, looking at the door.

After a few minutes of taking care of Harley and final nightly preparations, Hope and Carli take the stairs up to my room and knock on my door. This time when they open it, Harley rushes in, jumping up on my bed to give me loads of kisses. No matter how awful you feel, having a dog feel that excited to see you will always bring a smile to your face. 

“Alright kid, are you going to get changed for bed?” Hope asks, gesturing to the leggings and t-shirt I’ve been wearing all day.

“I’m a little tired. I might just sleep in this.” I admit, slightly embarrassed. “Did you guys come to say goodnight?” I ask.

“We did.” Carli answers. “Honey, do you need help getting dressed?” She asks, concerned.

“No, I’m just tired.” I tell her, not lying, but also not telling her the full truth.

“Okay kiddo. Well, we love you, and we’re just down the hall if you need anything. Okay?” Hope says.

I nod my head.

“Can you use words?” Hope asks, sounding a little too much like Carli for my liking.

“Okay.” I say, more air than actual sound, but enough for Hope to accept it. Both my Moms’ turn to leave, but before they do, I stop them. “Wait.” I half whisper, half shout. “I love you.” I say quietly.

“Oh pretty girl, we love you so much.” Carli says, racing to wrap me up, Hope not much far behind her.

“We love you more than words can express.” Hope says, turning to leave for the second time tonight. “Goodnight kiddo.”

Right before I lay down to go to sleep, a text from Lindsey comes through asking me if I’d like to go out with her tomorrow. I ignore it, laying down to go to sleep instead. I wake up approximately eight hours later, having slept fitfully through the night. There’s another text from Lindsey, informing me that she’s borrowing Allie’s car to pick me up at noon, and that since I didn’t reply, I can decide whether or not I want to get in the car. I drop my phone on my chest and let out a deep sigh, wanting nothing more than to roll over and go back to sleep. Instead I get out of bed slowly, my body sore from nothing but heartache.

I skip my run, and the soccer session I did was way too watered down for a national team player, even for the off season. Once I get that out of the way, I take a long shower, doing everything in my power to think happy thoughts about happy things. When I get out, I stand in front of my dresser in nothing but a towel, contemplating what to wear for the day. The problem is, if I decide to get in the car when Lindsey comes, I should at least put on jeans. But if I don’t, then I can put on sweatpants and not worry about it. I go for the sweatpants.

Instead of just staying in my room, I go downstairs, thinking that I might make myself lunch. However, once I get to the kitchen, making myself lunch seems like a next to impossible task, so I just lay down with Harley on the couch and turn on the news. When the clock hits eleven thirty, Carli magically appears in front of me, seemingly with a lot of questions.

“Have you heard from Lindsey since we’ve been back?” Carli asks, flipping through the pages of a magazine, posing as if she doesn’t care too much about my answer.

I nod.

“Are you going to spend time with her?” She follows up, my nod having answered nothing.

“I’m not sure Mom.”

“Tierna, baby, did something happen with you and Lindsey?” Carli asks, panicked at the thought of what Hope might do to Lindsey if something had indeed happened.

“No.” I say plainly, not offering any explanation.

“Then don’t you think you should spend some time with her?” Carli nudges.

“I don’t know Mom.” 

“I think it would be good for you.” Carli says, getting up from where she’s sitting to head into the kitchen. “Do you want a snack?”

“I’m alright.” I answer, despite being so hungry that my stomach hurts.

When noon rolls around, and Lindsey pulls into the driveway, my heart sinks to my stomach as my chest starts to feel like it’s being filled with lead. She texts me to let me know that she’s here, and that she can wait, but that if I don’t come out or text her within fifteen minutes, that she’ll just assume that I don’t want to see her, and call me later. It’s the text that gets me. I can tell that if I’m not in her passenger seat by the end of the fifteen minutes, that she’ll take it personally, even though she hadn’t meant it as a threat, or even as something to pressure me. Nevertheless, I tell Carli that I’m leaving, grab a light coat, and open the front door to see her sitting in the driver’s seat of Allie’s car.

Lindsey Horan looks absolutely beautiful, and here I am, climbing into the passenger seat next to her, in sweatpants I’ve had since highschool, one of Hope’s old shirts, with my hair in a bun so messy that it could be categorized as a half-up-half-down hairstyle. A wave of guilt floods through my chest, and I lunge forwards towards her, barely giving her enough time to catch me.

“Babe?” Lindsey asks. “You’re okay. Do you want to tell me why you didn’t feel comfortable answering my texts? Or why you’re upset right now?” She asks.

“Not really.” I say, laughing miserably.

“That’s okay.” Lindsey reassures me, her hand on my knee. “Do you want to at least get out of here?” She asks, her eyes hopeful.

“Take me anywhere you want to go.” I tell her, having minimal preference as to where I end up, as long as it’s not jail or the airport.

Lindsey puts the car in reverse and then drives, driving us through the streets of suburbia which I’ve found so comforting in the past few months. Considering that we’re midway through November, it’s too cold for a picnic, or to go to the park without planning it, which are usually Lindsey’s favorite things to do. Instead we end up in the parking lot of the mall, which really only leaves me confused. However when Lindsey parks the car and smiles that cute little smile at me, I know that I’m in for the day.

“Do you trust me?” Lindsey asks.

I don’t reply at first, I just look at her hesitantly. “I think so.” I reply cautiously, my trust issues coming to the forefront of my mind.

“Come with me.” She says, being sweet, but ominous to someone with trauma.

She takes my hand and walks me through the mall's main entrance, apparently knowing her way around after having to take a few trips here when she forgot to pack shirts when she came to visit me on her first trip out. She seems to have a particular store in mind, walking with purpose instead of casually. Although I think I’d rather be asleep on a couch somewhere, in the grand scheme of things, this isn’t so bad. At least it wasn’t, until she stops in front of the store she apparently wants to take me in. I turn my head as if to ask her what the hell she’s thinking, but she just raises an eyebrow at me.

“Let me get you a build-a-bear? Please?” Lindsey pleads, pouting her upper lip at me.

“Lindsey.” I whine, turning my head, looking to see if anyone recognizes us. “No way, these are for kids. And you shouldn’t get me anything!” I complain, embarrassed.

“Tierna.” Lindsey stops, letting my name hang on her tongue. “No one recognizes us, and not a single person is judging you. It’s just me, and you. Let me get you a stuffed bear, even if they are for kids.”

“Noo.” I whine, still judging myself, even if Lindsey’s not judging me.

“Would it make you feel better if I got one too?” Lindsey asks, reaching out for my hand.

I nod feeling better about the thought of both a twenty two year old and a nineteen year old getting stuffed bears. “But Lindsey?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve never done this before.” I admit quietly.

“It’s okay, I’ve never gotten a build-a-bear with a date either.” Lindsey reassures me.

“No, not that.” I say, shuffling my feet. “I’ve never been to build-a-bear.” 

“Oh.” Lindsey says, her face falling. “C’mon, I’ll show you.” She says, grabbing my hand, pulling it up to her face to kiss my knuckles before letting it swing at our sides again.

Lindsey shows me the arrays of stuffed bears, telling me that I can pick whichever one I want, before picking one herself. I pick out a blonde bear with blue eyes, and she picks out a brown bear with blue eyes. She then leads me to the strange machine where the bears are stuffed and sewn up by the nice store employee, who isn’t even slightly phased by two adults getting stuffed toys. Lindsey and I thank her before moving on to pick out outfits, both of us opting for the soccer kit that I was a little too excited to find. After that we print out the birth certificates before I reluctantly let Lindsey pay for the bears and we leave the store, each carrying a white box. 

“Alright, we’re going to go to the food court, and we’re going to get whatever you want, and you’re not going to tell your Mom that I broke the team diet, even in the offseason. We’re also going to talk about what’s bothering you. Okay babe?” Lindsey asks, her bear in her left hand so that she can use her right hand to hold my left hand.

“Okay.”

We find ourselves eating pizza in a mall food court, which is pretty much sacreligious if you ask Vlatko. However, we’ve agreed that it’s not really important right now, and that it’s only one meal. We’ve run enough miles in our lifetime that two slices of greasy pizza each won’t hurt us. 

“Alright. So you know your Mum? The one who cheats in juggling contests with me because she’s really not my biggest fan?” Lindsey asks.

“I am aware that Hope is a little biased against you.” I admit.

“She called me to tell me that something happened while you were in San Francisco Babe. And if she called me, then I know it must have been bad.” Lindsey says, gesturing to herself. “I knew that something was wrong when you weren’t answering my texts, and then somethings been wrong all day. I could have gathered that by myself. But honey, two people have told me that something happened while you were in California, and I wanted to ask you about it, because you can talk to me. Okay? You can talk to me.” Lindsey says, desperate for me to trust her.

“Two?” I ask, unsure of who else would call Lindsey.

“Babe, while you were there, you talked to Tobin, and Tobin talked to Christen about what happened. Christen was worried about you and she was talking to me about it at dinner while I was in Portland last week.” Lindsey admits, looking down at her lap.

“Tobin told Christen?” I ask, feeling a little betrayed. “Christen talked to you?” I ask, feeling even more violated.

“Baby, people are worried about you.” Lindsey says, desperate for answers. “Please talk to me?” She pleads.

“I was in California. Bad things happened.” I deadpan, feeling the heartbreak of it all over again.

“I can’t make it better if you don’t talk to me about it.” Lindsey says, a last minute attempt at getting me to talk about it.

“I saw my parents. At a coffee shop in San Francisco.” I admit, leaving my hand halfway across the table, hoping that Lindsey reaches out to grab it.

“What happened?” Lindsey encourages, grabbing a hold of my hand, stroking my knuckles with her thumb.

“They called me ‘worthless.’ They called me a ‘dyke.’” I admit. “Hope and Carli too.”

“Baby I’m so sorry.” Lindsey apologizes.

“Can we go?” I ask, looking up at Lindsey with tears in my eyes.

Lindsey doesn’t even answer, she just gets up and escorts me to the car, driving us to an old parking lot that accompanies a building that once held a business that’s now closed down. She keeps the car running for the heat, but she gets out of the driver's seat and into the backseat, motioning for me to follow her. She lays against one window and pushes one leg all the way to the edge of the seat and lets the other dangle off of the edge before motioning for me to sit with my back towards her between them, and lay on her chest. Once I settle in, she holds me, but I get out my build-a-bear, needing something to hold for myself. She smiles and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.

“Do you want to keep talking babe?” Lindsey asks, her voice soft.

“They never got me a build-a-bear.” I say shyly. “And it’s not that I wanted one. It’s just that the only toys I ever had were ones that were gifted to me by other people. My parents never gave me toys.” I whisper, playing with the fur on the ear of the build-a-bear that I may or may not have built to be the bear equivalent of Lindsey.

“I’m really sorry that happened.” LIndsey takes a deep breath, clearly saddened by what I’ve said. “I wish I could change that, but unfortunately I can’t. The only thing I can do is be with you now. And I am one hundred percent happy to buy you build-a-bears, and give you the lo-support that they never gave you. And I know that your Moms’ feel the exact same way.” Lindsey says, catching herself before she can admit her love for me.

“I think what hurt the most was that they attacked my Moms’. And I know that if they had known that you existed, they would have attacked you too.” I say, craning my head to look at the girl promising me things I’ve been dreaming of since I was a toddler. “But it hurt because they didn’t make me gay. They didn’t make me gay, they just gave me some of the love that my biological parents never gave me.”

“Tierna, I know you love your Moms’, but your biological parents aren’t judging them based on their parenting skills. They’re judging them based on the fact that they’re gay, and unfortunately that’s all they needed before they decided that they hated them. It’s not a personal attack on Hope and Carli. Because you and I both know that Hope and Carli would go to the ends of the earth for you.” Lindsey says, delivering the harsh truth.

“Then they would hate you.” I say, my voice small and broken.

“Yeah, they would.” Lindsey says. “But do you think that I’m a bad girlfriend?” Lindsey asks.

I shake my head emphatically, feeling the most intense feelings for Lindsey that I’ve ever felt for another human.

“Then it’s not really about me. It’s just about homophobia.”

“You’re right.” I admit, still playing with the ears on my bear.

“Babe, just because it’s about homophobia and not morals, doesn’t make it hurt any less.” Lindsey says, holding me a little tighter. “You can feel as sad as you want about this, for as long as you need to.” 

“Lindsey?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk about it more later? I just want to lay with you right now.” I admit.

“Yeah, we can do that.”

I spend another uncomfortable half an hour in the back of Allie’s car, being held by my almost perfect girlfriend, who surprises me with a weighted blanket before dropping me off at home. Had I been any less depressed, I would have asked if she was just a pillow away from building me a sleepover. Instead, I opted for a sweet kiss on the mouth and a long thank you hug before promising to text her back in the near future.


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy?

The depth of the gift that Lindsey had given me didn’t really hit until I was curled up in bed that night, laying awake running my hands over the stitching. I feel calmer than usual. Whether that’s due to the weight added to the blanket, or the fact that Lindsey stitched “H-64” for Hope’s juggling record in their first contest, right next to “L-61-∞” for Lindsey’s juggling record that was interfered with. The fact that she added the infinity sign might have been a bit cheeky, but it keeps me calm and peaceful, which is a nice change. I’m too calm to feel a sense of guilt about how much Lindsey’s done for me, but instead I feel a sense of urgency to do something nice for her. Something really nice. 

When I wake up, I speed through my training sacrificing my own soreness for the time it’ll save me. It’s then, when I have no weighted blanket or stuffed bear to protect me that I start to feel the guilt lurking. I climb into the shower, preoccupied by thoughts of what I can do to make my girlfriend feel appreciated. I haven’t even finished shampooing my hair when the thought of a day trip pops into my mind. I wouldn’t need time off from coaching, nor would Hope or Carli be impacted, and since we wouldn’t spend the night anywhere, I could surprise Lindsey on the day of instead of planning it with her. 

The rest of the day is harder than anticipated. Not only do I now have the stress of coaching a team that has their opening day game in just over a week, but I’m also taking my girlfriend on a day trip on the one day off that they’ll have for their recovery in between practice days. Today being The first of five days before I have my day off, I plan a practice from my bed, utilizing my clipboard to its full potential. I draw out the drill plan schedule, along with lineups, and detailed analyses of every player. If I wasn’t literally planning a surprise for my girlfriend to make up for the fact that our relationship has consisted solely of her helping me through things, I would ask her to help me out with my midfield. However, I think that if I can get my two center backs to link up well, that the midfield should start coming together more.

Hope and I show up to set up for practice together, both feeling slightly competitive about our first games being in about a week. There’s an unspoken competition, and a slight rivalry even, that’s starting to form even without games. She gives me coaching pointers when I run to grab a ball that’s rolled onto her field, and then I have my players do an advanced drill in front of her that her players aren’t currently capable of doing. Hannah, my star winger just can’t seem to stop scoring goals. The other two forwards in my 4-3-3 are advanced too, but Hannah’s got quite a career ahead of her if she keeps performing at this level. I’d love to see her work with Tobin if she ever came to town. 

The only thing that worries me, is that Hannah always shows up alone. Mia, Hazel, and Sarah, my three midfielders carpool together, and then my defenders and forwards seem to switch up who they show up with, but Hannah always shows up alone. I’ve talked to my center backs Addie and Lacey to see if they know anything, but all they said was that it seems as if Hannah wants to do her own thing. I keep my eye on her, just to make sure she’s alright. I know that the rest of my starting eleven is alright, they’re on snapchat broadcasting their giggles to the world to not be. 

I know that I ran practice well, because by the end of it, both of my goalies are complaining, and if the goalies are complaining, then everyone is surely wiped. I make sure to include the keynotes of recovery in my post practice speech: ice, water, sleep, stretching, etc. They all nod knowingly at me, which makes me feel good about myself as a coach, but bad about myself as a person. I know that as a coach, I’m not supposed to care as to whether or not my team likes me as long as they respect me, but I do hope that they don’t think that I’m mean. I try to pepper in as many compliments as I can while also helping them develop. They’re talented kids.

The days following are relatively similar, only with the added stress of planning a day long getaway. The hardest part about coaching seventeen year old girls, is that when you’re only nineteen, asking them where you should take your girlfriend on a trip doesn’t seem too inappropriate until you actually think about it. Luckily, I haven’t even told them that Lindsey is my girlfriend, and I don’t intend on telling them unless I tell the whole world. So I stick to googling places, and running drills at practice instead of intermixing the two.

By Wednesday, I’ve decided that I’ll pick her up at nine in my car, and we’ll drive to Philadelphia, meaning that we’ll get there by eleven. If we get there by eleven, then we should have enough time to do two things, and have dinner. So I scroll through the internet, asking myself whether Lindsey is more of a zoo person, an art person, or a ghost tour person. I decide to get tickets for the zoo, and the ghost tour, if she hates it, I’ll feel horrible for guessing wrong, but we can definitely leave early and go see something she actually wants to see. To top the night off, I reserve a private dinner boat, which isn’t cheap, but I really want her to know that I like her, and that I see her.

Thursday and Friday are sleepy days. Sleepy sad days I guess. I have nightmares both nights, each of which result in combinations of Hope and Carli dashing into my room, and me refusing to let them help, something which I know is bothering them. I know that I should accept the help, especially with how badly I feel, I just don’t want to burden the people I love. I guess I’ve also been doing a little bit extra around the house and the Academy to hopefully make up for some of the stress I’ve caused, just washing dishes here and there, showing up early to set up for Hope’s practice. I think that even the girls on my team can tell that I’m not as energetic as I usually am. They don’t say anything at either practice though. They’re too focused on preparing for Sunday’s game. They’re driven, which makes my job easier.

When I tell Hope about my plan to kidnap Lindsey and take her to Philadelphia tomorrow, she tries her best to stay calm, but I can tell that she’s not exactly pleased. She does pretend to be happy for us though.

“You should get flowers before you pick her up.” Hope suggests, taking a bite of her whole grain pasta. 

“That’s a good idea.” I say, before settling into a long silence. “Mum?” I ask, breaking it.

“Yeah?”

“Why don’t you want me to go with Lindsey to Philly?” I ask genuinely.

“Kiddo, it’s not that I don’t want you and Lindsey to go to Philadelphia, it’s just that I’m a little surprised that you’re already at a stage where you’re taking trips together. That’s all.” Hope shrugs.

“Mum? Do you... Do you think that going on a trip together sends a message?” I ask.

“To her?” Hope asks calmly.

I nod.

“It does tell her that you’re ready to spend a whole day with her. Why do you ask?” Hope asks, speeding up. “Is she pressuring you into something?” She asks so quickly that I can barely process the words.

“That’s the whole thing. She’s not pressuring me into anything.” I say quietly, looking down at my feet.

“I don’t get it.”

I sigh heavily. “Mum, it's just that. Well.” I say, talking more with my hands than my words. “Lindsey always says the right thing, and she’s always doing something nice for me. Just the other day she took me to build-a-bear and insisted that I get one because she thought it might make me feel better.” I say, getting slightly worked up over just how great my girlfriend is. “And then. And then she got one too when I was uncomfortable with how childish it was. But it’s not even things like that. She listens when I tell her about the things that my biological parents did, and then she doesn’t judge me. She just listens, and says whatever she can to make me feel better Mum. And how am I supposed to keep up with that? Listening to her talk about her day isn’t exactly on the same level.” I say, my hands thrown up in defeat.

“Okay, let me get this straight.” Hope says, having dropped her fork in interest. “You’re taking your girlfriend, the one that you seem to think is too supportive, to Philly, all because you’re worried that you’re not holding your weight in the relationship?” Hope says, waiting for a nod before continuing. “Kiddo, I hate to say it, but you aren’t giving Lindsey the credit she deserves.” Hope begins, looking at me cautiously. “Everytime you tell her about your biological parents, or what happened in Canada, you’re telling her about what’s on your mind, which is an important part of a relationship. And what’s on your mind might be heavy, but it’s up to Lindsey to determine what’s too heavy and what’s not for her to handle. So everytime you talk to her about the heavier parts of your life, she’s making a conscious decision to stay with you, and you don’t owe her anything ‘extra’ for that.” Hope says, air quoting. “Does that make sense?” She asks, genuine, and in support of Lindsey for once.

“I just know that she puts a lot of effort into this relationship, and I wanted to put some in too.” I admit softly. “I really like her Mum.”

“Kid, it’s okay if you just wanted to do something nice for your girlfriend, that’s not a crime. I just don’t want you to feel like you owe it to her to take her on some extravagant day trip just because she listens to you.” Hope says, picking her fork back up.

“What kind of flowers should I get her?” I ask.

“Anything but roses. They’re so overdone, and they’ll make her think of Lavelle.” Hope says honestly, not even bothering to look up at me while giving me girl advice. 

“Thanks Mum.” I say, kissing her cheek and hugging her from behind as I walk by. “I’m going to bed now. Goodnight. I love you.”

“Goodnight love.” Hope calls out endearingly, which reaches Harley and I on the stairs.

For the first night in at least a week, I sleep peacefully through the night. Maybe it was my conversation with Hope, or maybe it’s the prospect of my day with Lindsey, but either way, it’s well received. Hopefully I’ll start sleeping well more regularly. It would be nice for the season and the stress of the trial coming up.

When I wake up, I shower and get dressed in my cutest casual outfit before calling Lindsey, lying and asking her if she’d like to go grocery shopping with me in twenty minutes. Luckily for me, I think she’d go just about anywhere, as long as I’m there with her. She’s sleepy when she answers the call, but she says yes. I say a quick goodbye to my Moms’ before I head to the florist to pick up the bouquet I ordered late last night after my conversation with Hope. I went with daisies. They seemed sweet, but not too much of anything.

I get out of the car to pick Lindsey up, which is her first clue that we’re not really going to the store. I didn’t tell her which store, so she can’t exactly be sure by the roads I’m taking, but by the time I pull onto the interstate, she’s pretty damn sure that we’re not picking up eggs and milk today. I enjoy how worked up she gets, while also trying to calm her down, not wanting a rocky start to a hopefully happy day.

“I’d be a lot calmer if you would tell me where we’re going.” Lindsey whines from the passenger seat.

“I told you! It’s a surprise. But there’s another surprise in the backseat, and you can turn on the radio and pick the music if you want.” I say, trying to ease her nerves the best I can.

By the time we reach the Pennsylvania border, Lindsey has put in her first guess, a wrong guess. When she guesses that I’m taking her to Pittsburg, I ask if she wants to go to Pittsburg, just to find out that she’s been and it wasn’t exactly her favorite experience. Only due to soccer though, she has no vendetta against the actual city. 

“Philadelphia!” Lindsey screams, apparently knowing that she’s right.

“You got it, you got it.” I grumble, a little sad that she guessed it when we’re only fifteen minutes outside of the city.

“Do you have a plan for the day? I heard that they have ghost tours! I bet we could still get tickets for one if I look right now.”

I pretty much celebrate as much as I can inside of my head, trying to keep what we’re doing a surprise.

“I planned the whole day. I don’t know what part of ‘it’s a surprise’ you’re not getting, but I think you’ll like it.” I say smuggly, smiling at the girl in my passenger’s seat.

When I pull into the zoo parking lot, Lindsey’s mouth drops open, whether it’s in excitement or shock is unclear, but I think I can work with either.

“Babe. I love the zoo!” Lindsey says, right before complaining that I’m not parking fast enough. I giggle a little bit, excited that I’ve done well at picking out things that she’ll like.

We hit the bathrooms first, which are coincidentally right by the giraffes. I can’t help but make a joke about Sam’s height while being around the giraffes which makes Lindsey throw her head back laughing. It becomes a theme. When we see the cheetahs, I tell her that they’re really just Kelley trying to get to beer. The sloths are Rose before she has to get in an ice bath. Sonnet is the chaotic monkey. Lindsey decides that Ashlyn would be a dolphin, but only because of how much she likes sharks, and dolphins are apparently “non-scary sharks.” Lindsey also decides that I’m a koala, which I immediately take to mean that she thinks I don’t wash my hair enough, but it turns out that she really just thought I was clingy. To spite her, I tell her that she’s an otter, and otter’s hold hands when they sleep, which makes her equally as clingy.

After lunch, Lindsey’s hesitant to leave the zoo, but with some coaxing and promises that what lies ahead is just as cool, she follows me to the car, and lets me drive her to the address I’ve been given for where to meet for our tour. Needless to say that when she finds out that I booked a ghost tour, she practically squeaks in excitement before lunging forward to hug me over the console. I try to savor the feeling in my chest, even though I’m not quite sure what it is. I just know that it’s good.

Lindsey and I have an absolute field day with the ghost tour. Neither of us buy into it one hundred percent, but neither of us have ruled ghosts out either, which makes the tour fun. When we go down into supposedly haunted basements, Lindsey cowers into me, holding on hand, and placing her other hand on my chest for support. Every time she gets scared I check to make sure that she’s not too overwhelmed, but it turns out that she’s someone who loves a good thrill. So instead I hold her hand and let her cower into me, secretly finding it adorable.

“Don’t let go.” Lindsey threatens, as I almost walk away to look at a plaque at our current stop.

“I won’t.” I giggle, finding it ironic that I’m the ‘koala’ in the relationship.

When we get to the haunted section of an abandoned building that was once a library, I’m a bit head over heels. I suppose that if I wasn’t playing soccer for Chicago or the U.S., maybe I’d be writing about abandoned libraries that scare my poor girlfriend into my shoulder. Either way, I find comfort in the creepiness. It’s exterior matches my interior much better than most places do.

It turns out that the library was the last stop on our ghost tour, which means that the bus takes us back to the meeting place. Lindsey and I get in the car, and I look at her excitedly, but knowing that we have a few minutes to kill before we can go get on the dinner boat. Regardless, I take her there anyways, knowing that we can take a walk on the docks for a few minutes before our reservation, which is what we end up doing. 

I brought a jacket to combat the November cold, but walking along the docks, watching the sunset, I still feel cold. I try my best not to shiver, knowing that one tremor, and Lindsey’s jacket will be wrapped around my shoulders, when this day is supposed to be about her, and not me. However, I can’t help it when my teeth start jittering, and she both wraps her jacket and arms around me, standing us in one place for a nice moment.

“Almost time for whatever it is that you won’t tell me about?” Lindsey asks, jokingly frustrated by the amount of surprises today has brought.

“Have I let you down yet?” I ask, starting to lead her towards the boat from the website. 

A man in a three piece suit helps us onto the boat, greeting us affectionately. I’m just thankful that I didn’t fall into the water. If someone was going to fall, it was going to be me. He then sits us down at the only table, which is about ten feet away from the three piece jazz band I got for tonight, wanting it to be special. The boat sets sail out onto the river as the waiter takes our order right before he disappears downstairs and the band starts to play.

“Tierna, I can’t believe you did all of this.” 

“I wanted to do something nice for you. You’ve been so wonderful for me.” I admit, reaching my hand across the table.

“You didn’t have to do this.” Lindsey says quietly.

“I know, but you’re my girl, and I wanted you to feel special.”

“How did I get so lucky?” 

“How did you get so lucky? I’m the one who ended up with a girlfriend who can handle even my worst traumas.” I tell her lightly, not wanting to take the conversation down that path. “I should probably put it out there that I’m not proposing tonight.” I follow up, joking, knowing that this setting is more fit for a much nicer occasion than just a weekend getaway.

“Now that would be a surprise.” Lindsey says, taking a sip of her water. “Tierna?”

“Yeah?”

“Your team’s game on Sunday.”

“What about it?” I ask.

“Can I come?” Lindsey asks hesitantly.

“Of course you can come!” I say, excited she would want to, before another thought registers. “Wait, did you think you weren’t invited?” I ask.

“Well, you hadn’t said anything about it. I just wanted to make sure.” Lindsey says, taking a bite.

“Linds, I know we haven’t talked much about things that aren’t sad, and even those things haven’t been actual events. But I think I want you around.” I admit.

“For the game?” Lindsey asks hesitantly.

“For everything?” I reply, even more cautiously. “I think I want you to be in the stands for my first game as a coach. And I think I want to be a part of your big things, and for you to be a part of mine. Happy or sad.”

“I want to be a part of everything in your life, and I want you to be a part of everything in mine.” Lindsey says, smiling a huge smile of relief.

The night ends even better than it began. I drive us one handedly home, holding the wheel with my left hand, and Lindsey’s left hand in my right. Even if it is just a spot of light in the darkness, it means everything to me. She means everything to me.


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS FROM LINDSEY’S PERSPECTIVE. Also, under absolutely no circumstances would I recommend starting this chapter and then pausing midway through. I don’t think you guys will be mad, but if you are, that’s cool. I have your fluff in mind for future chapters, I promise.

I don’t know what the hell I’m thinking. Tierna takes me on one nice date, and I’m in a jewelry store looking for a necklace to give her. Ashlyn and Ali warned me that relationships with two women moved fast, but I didn’t think that we would move this fast. Maybe I have the wrong idea. Maybe I should turn around and leave the store before I have the chance to buy a necklace for a girl that I’m too afraid to admit my love to. But she did say that she wants me to be around for everything. So maybe she’s ready for this? But am I ready for this? My anxiety takes over and I take a few steps towards the exit, but I’m caught before I can leave.

“Can I help you find something?” A girl behind the counter asks, gesturing broadly towards the cases.

“I-I don’t know.” I admit, knowing that there’s no going back now.

“Well. What’s the occasion?” She asks, smiling at my cluelessness.

How do you explain that the occasion is that you just want your girlfriend to have something she can hold that will physically remind her that you want to be a part of the rest of her life when you haven’t even told her you love her? “Honestly? I just love my girlfriend. She and I have been doing well even though we haven’t had the best circumstances, and I just wanted to get her something.” Are the words I decide to go with to sum that up.

“That’s really sweet. She must be really special.” The girl smiles, clearly a fine salesperson. 

“She is.” I say, wishing I could tell her just how special Tierna really is.

“Were you thinking you wanted to get her a ring, a necklace, a bracelet, or earrings?” She asks bluntly gesturing to each item as she lists them.

If I didn’t have anxiety before, I do now. I’m not even sure if Tierna’s ears are pierced, so I guess that rules out earrings. However, beyond that, I’m not sure. I’ve never seen her wear any jewelry, which renues my fear that I might be wasting my time even getting her jewelry at all. However, the thought of Tierna having a tangible reminder that I’m always with her, seems worth it.

“If it was you, and you really liked this girl. Would you go for a ring, a necklace, or a bracelet?” I ask.

“Well, the rings do tend to signify some sort of promise, whether that be an engagement, or a promise ring.” She begins. “Bracelets and necklaces are equally popular. How long have you two been together?” She asks.

“Two months.” I admit, a slight blush on my face.

“Oh, so maybe more along the lines of bracelets and necklaces? Bracelets are probably the item that convey the least amount of commitment.” She offers, shocked by the length of our relationship.

“I think I want to get her a necklace.” I tell her, looking at the case of necklaces in front of me. 

There’s a silver heart locket with a blue jewel on the front of it in the middle of the case, which catches my eye, but loses my interest when I realize that I don’t have a picture to put in it. There’s an array of cross necklaces which I immediately rule out for obvious reasons. What I can’t stop looking at, is a silver necklace with a small green-jewel pendant. It’s simple, but it’s beautiful. It’s the kind of thing that seems like she would like.

“I’ll take that one.” I tell her, pointing to the green pendant.

“You don’t even want to know the price?” She asks, her eyebrows raised.

“I’m lucky enough that I don’t have to worry about money, so anything for my girl.” I say, a smile on my face.

I pay for the necklace, and don’t bother getting a bag for the tiny box, instead slipping it into the pocket of my coat. I think about the best way to give it to her while driving home to get ready to watch her team crush their very first game. After stealing her away for all of yesterday, there’s no way that Hope and Carli would be alright with me taking her out to dinner after the game tonight, at least not just the two of us. I almost blow a red light contemplating whether it would be worth it to take all three of them to dinner, borrow Allie’s car, and drive Tierna home afterwards so I can talk to her and give her the necklace. Then there’s the question of what if the whole team wants to have dinner together afterwards. Although I’m sure they’d be thrilled to be sitting at a table with three current national players, and a retired Hope Solo. 

All of these are continued thoughts as I pull up to Allie’s apartment, dropping off the car just in time for her to take it to train. She wasn’t up for my early morning training today. Or ever. When I walk through the door, she puts down her bag, because apparently soccer can wait today.

“Why do you look mischievous?” She asks, her face smug.

“I don’t.” I say, my voice slightly too high pitched.

“Uh-huh.” Allie says, clearly in disbelief. “And where did you just take my car?” She asks.

“The jewelers.” I admit, looking down at the floor.

“Holy shit, you’re asking her to marry you?” Allie practically screams.

“No, no, no! I just got her a necklace after the talk we had last night. I told you that she told me she wanted me around for everything.” I start. “I guess I just want her to have something she can have with her all the time to remind her of me.” I admit slowly.

“You’re going to freak that poor girl out. And then have to answer to her Mothers’. Have fun with that.” Allie says, picking her bag up to leave. 

Allie’s an interesting roommate. She’s completely serious half of the time, and an absolute goofball the other half. It’s like not knowing whether you’re going to show up to find Sauerbrunn as a roommate, or Sonnet. Either way, she’s fun, and this time, she’s probably right. However, I just can’t help myself this time.

Not long after I get home I start getting ready for the game. I take a quick shower before getting dressed in the team colors. I’ll have to see if I can score a team shirt before the end of the season. After all, I do plan on being at all of the games. I even put my hair up and put on some light makeup just in case I do end up at dinner with Tierna at the end of the day. 

Like clockwork, Allie brings the car back right on time, having only been gone for an hour and a half since today was her recovery day. She tosses me her keys and yells at me to get gas before I come home, which I will happily do. It’s part of our roommate agreement. I pay her rent for living with her, and I pay for gas since she lets me drive her car. 

It turns out that the game isn’t very far away from Carli’s house, despite being an away game for Tierna’s team. So while the drive isn’t that long, I still spend it looking at the box that the necklace is in, filled with anxiety about what it might bring. Nevertheless, I pull into the parking lot, slip the necklace into my jacket pocket, and make my way inside to find Tierna to see if she needs any last minute help before the game.

She’s running warmups with Hannah, who’s apparently the first to get there. She’s dressed as though she’s ready to coach a Premier League team instead of a high school club team, in a sweater, a blazer, her nicest jeans, and her leather lifestyle Nike’s. Her hair is up in a tight bun with bobby pins that I just know that Carli put in. When Tierna puts her own hair up it’s a lot messier, with bumps and strands falling out. She looks gorgeous either way, but I have to admit that I find her seriousness (and nervousness) as a coach adorable. 

“Hey babe. Need any last minute help before your team kicks the other team's ass?” I ask, being as quiet as possible so that Hannah doesn’t hear.

“Last minute? Linds, it’s an hour before the game. My players still have ten minutes to be here. Why are you so early?” She giggles.

“I wanted to be here to support my girl.” I tell her, still being quiet as not to out her to her team.

“Thank you.” Tierna says sweetly. “But unfortunately I think I have everything covered. Unless you want to help me shag balls once the rest of my team gets here?” She asks, leaving me the definite choice to say no.

“Tierna Davidson, I would love to shag balls for your team.” I say dramatically.

It doesn’t take long before her team shows up, only two of them late. They already know the drill for warmups, so really all I have to do is make sure that their balls stay on their half of the pitch, which is a fairly easy task considering their skill level. They warm up for a half an hour before the captains meet with the refs to do the coin toss and shake hands. I head to sit down, looking for Hope and Carli. They both seem happy to see me, which is a pleasant switch. However, once the whistle blows, all of our small talk goes silent and all eyes are on the field.

The other team gets to start with possession, but right out of the gate one of Tierna’s defenders makes a slide tackle and get’s carded for it. You’d think she’s been training with Sergio Ramos instead of Tierna. From the stands, I can tell that Tierna is upset, but doing her best to not show it. Her whole team is rattled, but they play through it.

At minute twelve, a different defender scores an own goal. She was trying to clear a top bin shot that would have gone in, and instead just knocked it to the side, aerially. That does rattle them, but Tierna starts yelling instructions from the sides as she writes furiously on her clipboard, and somehow the midfield solidifies and starts gaining possession.

Hannah scores the equalizer at minute thirty nine, which sends the home team into overdrive, trying to regain the lead before the half. However, the defenders, who have already made two mistakes, one leading to a goal, really buckle down and do well to not let any big chances occur, besides one weak shot that the keeper easily saves. 

At the half, Tierna’s giving a speech that I would give just about anything to be listening to. Carli praises the midfield, while Hope is impressed by the keepers save, even though I didn’t think it was anything spectacular. The one thing we can all agree on is that what really needs to happen is that the forwards need to create space behind the defenders for Hannah, before the midfield can pass her the ball for an easy goal. 

It turns out that we were right. Tierna, and the three of us must have had the exact same idea, and she must have told her team that at the half, because her defense looks solid, her midfield holds possession, and her forwards are creating space for Hannah. The final score? Three to one, with Hannah scoring a brace, and Mia making an impressive run beating three defenders one on one. For the first game, it was pretty impressive. I make my way down from the bleacher stands to go see if I can catch the last part of her speech, curious as to what it is she has to say.

“Fifteen minutes. If we were a team in transition for fifteen minutes, then I’d say we’re doing pretty well. Now we’re definitely going to work on some things, and I have a better idea of what those things are now, but you did well. All of you did well. Team on three.”

“One! Two! Three! TEAM!” The whole team yells, before all of the girls walk away to take off their cleats and shin guards.

“Hey.” I say, trying not to sneak up on her.

“Hi.” She says, blushing a little.

“Your team did so well.” I start, so proud of her. “You did so well.”

“Is it bad that I’m a little mad about that own goal?” She asks, making me laugh.

“C’mon. No high school player could have stopped that. I’m surprised she could even get up to that height at all.” I tell her, defending her defender.

“I could have.” She whines.

“I know. But you come from another planet.” I say sarcastically. “Now what do you say we take your Moms’ out to dinner to celebrate your win?” I ask.

“I’d like that.” She says, tucking a stray piece of hair that managed to fall out of one of seven bobby pins behind her ear.

“Alright, you pick, I’ll go tell your Moms’.”

It takes approximately twenty minutes before Tierna, Hope,Carli and I are sitting around a table at a semi nice Italian restaurant. We laugh and talk about the game, all of us each having our own opinions on how Tierna’s team did today, but each of us having glowing praises of their performance. When Hope and Carli start to ask about what we did yesterday, Tierna shies away from the questions, so I follow her lead and answer as vaguely as possible. Instead I just take bites of food and go for one word answers, even if it means that they won’t like me as much at the end of the day as they did at the beginning. 

When the bill comes, Hope reaches for it, but I beat her to it, earning the angriest most intense face from her I have yet to receive.

“Let the girl buy us dinner.” Carli argues, slightly wine drunk.

“Listen to your fiance.” I say smuggly, irritating Hope even more.

“You’re not invited to the wedding Horan.” Hope snarks, joking I hope. 

“Mum you have to be joking.” Tierna says, giving Hope puppy dog eyes.

Hope isn’t happy about it, but she can’t say no to Tierna. So she agrees that I am, after all, invited to the wedding. 

“Hope, did you drink?” I ask.

“Why?” She asks, her brows raised.

“Carli definitely can’t drive, and I was planning on taking Tierna home, but I need to know if you’re safe to drive Carli home or if I’m taking the three of you home.” I tell her, letting her know that I take their safety seriously.

“I don’t drink.” Hope admits. “I’ll take this one home.” Hope says, gesturing to a very sleepy Carli. “Are you sure you don’t want me to take Tierna home? You know she lives with us?” 

“If it’s all the same to you, I’d like to do it.” I tell her.

Thankfully, Hope doesn’t ask any questions, she just holds her fiance’s hand, and escorts her to their car to drive her home. That leaves me the opportunity to take Tierna to Allie’s car, and drive her home, give her the necklace, and then probably have a conversation.

“Are you tired?” I ask, Tierna’s eyes looking emptier than usual.

“I think so. I guess I just didn’t sleep well last night.” She says, her voice sounding burnt out as well.

I put one hand on her knee as I use the other to drive, wanting to give her a small piece of comfort. She sighs a deep sigh, which I don’t know whether to find concerning or not. 

“Are you okay pretty girl?” I ask, turning my head to look at her for just a moment.

“I’m okay.” She says, smiling a weak smile at me.

I smirk at her, challenging her answer, but she only smiles back at me. The rest of the drive is silent, at least until I pull into the driveway next to Hope’s SUV.

“I should go. My Moms’ are probably waiting for me.” She says, making an excuse to leave.

“Wait.” I say, never having seen her act like this, which makes me even more nervous to give her the necklace.

“What?” Tierna says neutrally.

“Um. I have something for you.” I tell her awkwardly, reaching for the box in my pocket.

“Lindsey, you weren’t supposed to get me anything!” She whines.

“I wanted to. Um, there’s a little note. Well, I guess it’s more like a drawing, but this is for you.” I say handing her the box. 

Tierna gasps when she sees that I’m handing her a jewelry box. She opens it slowly as if whatever’s inside might bite her. I bite my lip in fear that she won’t like it, or that I’ll scare her. I watch her face as she picks up the post it note that was on top of the necklace that reads “Things I want to be with you through” which has a drawing of a spectrum underneath which at one end reads “the worst of the worst, and at the other reads “the best of the best.” She’s crying now, and I can’t tell whether it’s good tears or bad ones. Once she lifts the post it note there’s another gasp and her eyes go wide.

“L-Lindsey..” She starts, apparently unable to speak. “I-I don’t even know what to say.” 

“Just say that it’s okay. That you’re okay with me being there for the worst of the worst and the best of the best.” I tell her, trying hard to make eye contact.

“Lindsey I don’t know.” She says.

“Babe? What changed? Last night that was okay with you?” I ask, my chest filling up with lead.

“Linds-I. I like you so much. But I don’t want to burden you. Right now there are fun things to balance out the bad things. But what if you actually see the worst of the worst and you don’t want to be around for it. Lindsey, that's not something I could ever blame you for. I want you at my team’s soccer games, and I want to take you to Philly. But I don’t want you to have to see me when I’m sad for months on end. I don’t want you to have to see what happens at the trial in January.” I start, wiping furiously at the tears falling. “You have to understand that I’m not a regular, everyday girl. When I’m at my best, my head is above water, and when I’m at my worst, I’m miserable for long periods of time where all I can do is my job, and you deserve more than that.” Tierna says, needing to take breaks in between words to let out sobs.

“Tierna, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were breaking up with me.” I say coldly.

“Linds.” She sobs.

“No.” I say matter of factly. “You don’t get to decide what happens in life. You didn’t get to choose to have parents who were less than you deserved, or an awful thing happen to you which you still have to deal with which you also don’t deserve. But what you do get to decide is what you can handle, and who you want to share your life with. Tierna, I love you, and you don’t get to decide that you’re too much for me to handle. You don’t get to walk out because you’re scared that I might actually care about you.” I snap.

Tierna’s sobs subside into a few sniffles. “Lindsey? Did you just? Did you just tell me you-you love me?” she asks.

Oh shit.

“I was waiting because I didn’t want to scare you by saying it before you were ready.” I admit quietly.

“Lindsey, everything feels so overwhelming right now. But I think I love you too.”

And with that, I let my heart swell inside of my chest before I grab her face to kiss her, most likely a little rougher than I should have been. Once we finally break it, she lets me take the necklace out of the box and put it around her neck, clasping in the back. 

“Through the worst of the worst and the best of the best?”

“Through the worst of the worst and the best of the best.


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this one is heavy. We’re back to Tierna’s point of view.

“Tierna? Kiddo, why have you been cryin-” Hope cuts herself off, gasping in shock, her eyes going wide. “What the hell is around your neck?” She roars, all empathy abandoned.

“Mum.” I whine, tears making their way back to my eyes.

“Wait kid, come sit down with me.” Hope says, leading me to the couch. “Do you want me to get your Mom too?” She asks, pressing a kiss to my temple. 

I nod into her shoulder, feeling way too emotional from what just happened in the car to even try to use words. Hope tries to get up to get Carli, but I grab onto a fistful of her shirt. Childish, I know, but I think I’ve reached the tipping point, and I need the comfort. So what does Hope do? She smiles sadly at me before she hoists me up onto her side and carries me up the stairs as if I weigh nothing at all. If I felt any better, this would feel absolutely humiliating, but after trying to pretend that I’m unbothered by everything that’s happened so far, and that I’m not worried about anything that’s yet to come, clinging to Hope feels completely reasonable in my nineteen year old brain.

Carli’s in the bathroom that she and Hope share, so Hope has to put me down on her bed, something which I’m not pleased about. She knocks and finds Carli washing her face, getting the stress of the day off. Hope comes to sit down with me on her bed, leaving the door to the bathroom open for me to see that Carli’s there, within sight. 

Carli rushes the process as much as she can, accidentally splashing water on her shirt, and making her face all red from drying it roughly instead of just wiping the water away when she’s finished. I know that usually she has a whole skincare routine she’d go through, but she foregoes it right now to come climb onto the bed with Hope and I. I wriggle out of Hope’s lap to climb into Carli’s, needing to feel loved by both of them right now.

“What’s wrong sweet girl?” Carli asks. “We left you to let Lindsey drive you home for maybe fifteen minutes.” Carli adds, jokingly.

“It was Lindsey!” Hope roars, immediately ready to blame Lindsey.

I burst into tears.

“Wait, honey, can you tell us what Lindsey did?” Carli asks, her voice much more concerned than it had been before.

“I swear to god, I will break her ankles.” Hope threatens, getting up from the bed to pace in anger.

I try to calm down enough to tell them that it wasn’t her. Well, that it was, but that it was other things too. That I didn’t expect to be this upset by seeing my parents in California, or that it’s so hard to date someone after getting my heart broken in college, and then getting raped in Canada, or that I’m so, so, worried about the trial in January and it’s not even December yet. But I can’t seem to calm down enough to do so.

“Okay, kid. Okay. You have to breathe.” Hope says, still pacing.

“I-I.” I begin, Carli wiping my tears away.

“Was it Lindsey?” Hope asks, her brows raised.

“No. Well, yes. But wait! Mum, it’s not what you think!” I cry, still upset.

“It’s okay little love. Hope here isn’t mad at Lindsey yet, right Hope?” Carli asks, trying to calm the both of us down at the same time.

“You’re right.” Hope says, moving to sit down. “Do you want to tell us what happened?” 

“It was a lot of things that happened.” I start, my breathing ragged and sharp at the same time. “It was just one thing today, but it-it’s not just one thing.” I admit, staring down at my feet dangling from the bed.

“Sweet girl, this is up to you. Do you want to start with what happened today? Or somewhere else? You can tell us anything love.” Carli says, starting to rock me a little bit.

“Yesterday went well. But it was an apology.” I admit, looking up at Hope who I know will be disappointed. “I know you told me that I don’t owe her anything for listening to me just because my stories are heavier than the average girl’s. But she has to put in more effort. So I wanted to do something nice.” I tell them, looking intensely at the hardwood flooring. “I told her I wanted her around to be in my life, for the good things and the bad things.” I say, settling into a silence. “It was fine. Yesterday was fine. It was better than fine actually. But today, she showed up an hour early to watch a high school soccer game, and took my Moms’ and I to dinner afterwards. And to top it all off she gave me this necklace and told me she loves me.” I tell them, getting worked up again.

“Honey?” Carli asks. “She told you she loves you?” 

I nod.

“What did you say?” Hope says, clearly unsure of the part where she’s supposed to be mad at Lindsey.

“I told her that I think I love her too.” I admit.

“Then why the tears?” Hope asks.

“I support her as much as I can, but it will never be the same as what she does for me. She does everything she can to support me through everything I’ve been through on top of just buying me gifts, and taking me on nice dates. And I can’t every match that for her. I don’t even know why she does everything she does for me.” I admit, stray tears sneaking up on me.

“Honey, she kind of spelled it out for you.” Carli says, rubbing my back.

“She did?” 

“Yup. She loves you. Which means that she’s going to do anything and everything to make you happy. Just because you’re you.” Hope explains, trying her best not to laugh.

“Sweetie, you told her you think you love her?” Carli asks, one eyebrow raised skeptically.

I nod pathetically.

“It’s kind of scary, isn’t it? I remember before you even started living with me, and the whole team went out to lunch. It was Rapinoe who was casually flirting with the waitress, but she asked you out, and you turned her down.” Carli says, taking a trip down memory lane. “I didn’t get it that day, but when you told me about your college girlfriend, I understood. Kid, it’s hard to love, get hurt, and then love again. Especially when you’ve been through more than just a heartbreak. But kiddo, as much as your Mum hates to admit it, I think you love Lindsey.” Carli says, her hand on my cheek. “And maybe I’m wrong, but you don’t look as tired around her. She makes you feel loved.”

“I don’t like it.” Hope deadpans, getting a giggle from both Carli and I.

“I love her Mom.” I say, fidgeting with the necklace she gave me.

“You want to tell me about that?” Carli asks, pointing to the pendant hanging from my neck.

“It’s a promise.” I say lightly.

“YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED?” Hope all but screams, beside herself. “I’ll kill her. I will kill her. You know it’s only been two months. Love her or not, two months is two months. Nope, no. You may be nineteen, but I’m making an executive decision. You can’t marry Lindsey after two months.” Hope says, pacing, ready to rip out her hair.

“It’s her promise to be there for the worst of the worst and the best of the best.” I tell her, slightly overwhelmed by Hope’s yelling, but also amused.

“I swear to god, this girl is going to give me an aneurysm even without doing anything wrong.” Hope says, collapsing onto the floor in front of us.

“Drama queen.” Carli mocks, giggling a little. “It’s beautiful honey.” She says, pausing only slightly. “What else has been bothering you love?”

I nuzzle into her neck, avoiding the question.

“I don’t feel good.” I tell her, mumbling slightly into her neck.

“You feel sick?” Carli asks, putting her hand up to feel my forehead.

“No.” 

Carli and Hope each tilt their head in confusion, not sure what to make of what I’ve just said.

“I feel sad.” I tell them, still fidgeting with the necklace.

Hope is up on the bed within seconds, figuring out a way to wrap her arms around both Carli and I. Carli squeezes me a bit tighter, and uses her right hand to rub my back.

“Okay.” Hope starts, saddened. “Is there a reason, or do you just feel that way?”

“Both I think.” I admit, not sure if it’s one or the other. “Everything weighs on me Mum.” 

“Love what’s ‘everything’?” Carli asks, her hand switched to my shoulder.

“I mean. Well. It’s Lindsey, and it’s Canada, and it’s my biological parents, and it’s the trial. It’s everything that’s happened, and everything that will happen.”

“Kiddo, how do you feel about going to see a doctor about all of this?” Hope asks.

“What do you mean?” 

“I think it’s gotten to a point where therapy is good, but medication might also be beneficial, and I don’t want you to feel heavy all the time. I know that with everything that’s going on, you might not be a ray of sunshine, but there should at least be moments of happiness. So if it’s okay with you, I want to take you to see a doctor.” Hope suggests.

I don’’t know how to react. There’s a part of me that feels willing to do anything in order to not feel like this. But another part of me feels like taking medicine almost makes me less human. The only thing that helps in the moment is Lindsey, Harley, and my Moms, and both my Moms’ and Lindsey are double edged swords. 

“I’m not sure.”

“Do you want to go, and we can see what they say?” Carli suggests, buffering between the two of us.

“I’ll try it.” I tell them.

“Love, I’m so sorry you feel this way. I wish we could give you something other than pills to make you feel better.” Carli apologizes, her breath weak.

“You have.” I tell them, looking up to see how defeated they both look.

Suddenly an idea pops into my head and I wriggle out of both of their holds to run to my room as fast as possible. I rip my clothes off and lay them on the bed and change into a stolen pair of Hope’s sweatpants, and an old tee shirt that Carli gave me from the World Cup she won. To top it off, I take my hair down, and I put on the Mickey ears that Hope got us that hang from my mirror. I sprint back down the hallway to find them exactly where I left them, just as confused.

“You give me love.” I tell them, climbing back into my spot. “And that’s more than a lot of parents were willing to give me. I’m a hard kid to handle. I’m a burden, and the fact that you do it means a lot. It’s my job to try to be happy.” 

“Little love, no.” Carli begins. “You are an absolute joy. You’re biological parents are missing out on being a part of your life because you’re neither hard to handle or a burden. Love, you’ve been through more in your nineteen years than anyone should have to go through in their whole life, and as parents, it’s Hope and my job to make sure that you’re alright. That doesn’t make you a burden, it makes us your Moms’ and we want to be your Moms’. Honey, while I want you to be happy, you don’t ever have to do anything because you think it will make our jobs as parents easier. We’re happy to take you to therapy, or to the doctor, or anywhere else we could possibly have to take you for any possible issue that might come up, okay? We love you.” Carli monalogues.

“I love you.” I tell her, entirely overwhelmed by this declaration of love.

“We’re not going to let anything bad happen to you. Our love isn’t conditional, and it doesn’t end. Okay?” Hope says. “Sorry. Your Mom always gets to say the things that I’m thinking in her speeches which leaves me with like one talking point.” Hope says, which makes me giggle.

“Alright. So you’ll go to the doctor to see if medication could help?” Carli asks.

I nod.

“Is there anything we can do to make the past seem less haunting and the future less daunting?” Hope asks, squeezing my hand once.

“I don’t think so.” I tell her.

“How about you keep those sweatpants that I’ve been looking for, and we can talk to your therapist to see if there are things that can help in the time leading up to the trial.” Hope says, referring to the her sweatpants that I’m currently wearing which are at least a foot too long. 

“Okay Mum.”

“Alright, you have to be exhausted from that, so lets get you to bed, okay kiddo?” 

“Alright Moms’.” I tell them, getting up from their bed to move to my own with Harely, giving them each one last hug before I go. “I love you.”

That night I sleep peacefully, dreaming of nutmegging Hope on the field where Carli once handed me the Captain’s armband, knowing that things won’t always feel this way.


	56. Chapter 56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, SO excited about the next chapter. I don’t know if I would classify it as fluff, but goddamn it’s cute. Or at least the start of some cuteness.

Two weeks. We’ve been waiting for this appointment for two weeks. If I could make it three weeks to draw out the process, sitting inside of this cold waiting room sandwiched between Carli and Hope, I would. Instead I’m here, waiting to get this over and done with. 

“Last name Davidson?” A nurse calls from the hallway.

I let her take my height and weight, along with asking a few questions to pass the time. She leads the three of us to an exam room to wait for the doctor, telling us he should be in any minute now.

“Kiddo, it’s okay.” Hope says, placing her hand on my knee to stop the bouncing of my nervous leg.

“I know.” I say.

There’s a knock at the door, followed by a man who can’t be younger than sixty five. He’s bald on top, and has glasses that are far too big for his face, yet slightly endearing.

“I’m Doctor Barnes. You must be Tierna?” He asks, reaching out to shake my hand, I simply nod in response. “And this must be your Mom, and her sister?” He asks hesitantly, very unsure of how to read the situation.

“We’re her Moms’.” Hope informs him.

“I don’t have that in my file.” Doctor Barnes says, no judgement in his voice.

I look to my Moms’ for help, a little too nervous to explain the situation myself.

“Her parents abandoned her. We stepped in.” Carli states bluntly.

“That’s absolutely fine. Tierna you are a legal adult, so you chose to have or not have whoever you want with you for this appointment.” He tells me, getting out a pad of paper and a pen.

I nod again, uncomfortably.

“Tierna, I know you see a therapist, and for insurance reasons, she diagnosed you with depression and PTSD, and while I have no reason to disagree with her, it unfortunately doesn’t hold any medical value.” Doctor Barnes begins, talking with his hands more than his mouth. “So what that means for you, is that I’ll have you fill out a few questionnaires, ask you a lot of questions, and depending on what you tell me about your relationship with- I’m sorry, I never actually asked for your names.” Barnes admits, looking at Carli and Hope. They each introduce themselves, I guess both a little too nervous to have done so earlier as well. “Alright, and depending on what you tell me about your relationship with Carli and Hope, I might want to talk to them too. Does that sound good?”

This time he gets three nods.

“Alright. I like to start with asking just the patient questions. Carli and Hope you can stay for this part, but I will ask you to go back out to the waiting room for a minute towards the end. After that, depending on what you share, I’ll have you fill out the questionnaires either in the waiting room so I can talk to these two, or just in here. Does that sound alright to the three of you?” Barnes asks, explaining his whole process.

“Wait. Sorry, but love you are okay with us being here for the first part, right? Your Mum and I can go if you want to do this alone.” Carli says, her hand on my other knee.

“Stay.” I whisper quietly.

“Alright Tierna. First we’ll start with the easy questions. Can you tell me what you do for either work or school?” Barnes asks, already scribbling at his notepad.

“Um. Well- well I went to Stanford, but I dropped out to enter the draft. I’m a soccer player on the Women's National team, and for this coming season, the Chicago Red Stars. I also coach a little bit on the side. So far we’ve won both of our games this season.” I say awkwardly.

“Stanford huh? You must be a smart cookie.” He starts. “Now Tierna, were you experiencing the symptoms that brought you in today while you were at Stanford?” He follows up.

“Some of them.” I say, fidgeting with the necklace Lindsey gave me that hangs around my neck.

“Can you give me a timeline of your symptoms?” He asks.

“Um. I-I.” I start, Hope giving me a nod of encouragement. “It started when I was still living with my parents. I was tired, and worn down. Everything felt heavy.” I say, looking up only when I have to. “When I went to college, it felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I had a soccer scholarship, I was out of my parents house, and I had a girlfriend I liked.” I admit, feeling only the slightest bit of nostalgia about my Stanford days. “But it didn’t last. Once they found out about my girlfriend, they cut me off, which meant that I wasn’t getting the money they sent every month because I was too busy for a job, and my girlfriend broke up with me because I was too sad about my parents. That’s when things got a lot worse. I had to start living in my car, and I was living on my money from U.S. soccer, which isn’t a lot. So I was living in my car, while also trying to perform on the National team, which is really hard. I wasn’t eating as much as I needed too, I wasn’t sleeping well, I couldn’t focus, my energy was down, and I was just so broken down all the time.” I say, reliving every moment of it. “It was then that Carli, who at the time was only really my team captain, invited me to live with her. I was in too tight of a situation to turn her down, so I moved in. That was when my anxiety went up.” I say, trying to avoid Carli’s sight despite sitting right next to her. “I walked on eggshells, because that’s what I was raised to do. Not long after I moved in, she got back together with Hope, who had been her long time girlfriend before they decided to take a break. For a while things got better. I was eating, and sleeping, but I still didn’t have energy, and I was sad all the time. I just felt empty.” I admit, looking up. “But time went on. Carli and Hope really did everything they could to make me feel at home. They had told me that they didn’t even feel like mentors anymore, that in living with me, they had started to feel more like Moms’. And they are Moms’. They started loving me and I started loving them back. But even that couldn’t fix me. If anything could have fixed me, that would have been it.” I say, looking back and forth between Hope and Carli, Carli trying very hard not to cry. “And time went on. I was. Well. I. I went to Canada, and. And I was raped. Hope was the one who pulled the attacker off of me. But after that I just wasn’t the same. I’m still not the same. And my Moms’ still loved me and took care of me through that. We’re going to court in January, and they’re both helping out as much as they can with that. Um, after that there was a long period where there was no change in symptoms. And then I got a girlfriend.”I say, starting to blush. “I still had, and have all of the same symptoms, but before her I guess I was only really able to feel the love that my Moms’ gave me. Don’t get me wrong, I chuckled at my Mum’s sarcastic comments, but I just didn’t genuinely laugh until I met my girlfriend.” I tell the doctor, getting emotionally fatigued only a third of the way through the second question. “And then I signed with Nike to be sponsored by them. I had to go to California which is where I’m from, and the three of us ran into my birth parents.” I tell him. “Since then, everything’s felt a lot worse. I’ve been nervous, and empty, and tired, all the time.” I say. “That’s it.” I end, finally giving him the green light to reply.

“It sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Is it alright if I ask you some follow up questions?” Doctor Barnes asks, receiving a nod. “Could you share a little bit about your birth parents? I’m sorry, I know this isn’t exactly fun.” He tells me.

“They were what a lot of people would call abusive. There were lots of physical punishments, even when they probably couldn’t identify what they were punishing me for. They said a lot of hurtful things. And then when they found out I had a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend, they cut me off and told me that I was no daughter of theirs.” I tell him.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you. Do you need a minute, or are you alright with continuing?” He asks, noticing my leg bouncing again.

“I’m alright.” I respond, ready to be done with this.

“I don’t want to delve too deeply into this because I know you have a therapist, but I’d like to ask a few questions about your history of sexual assault.” Barnes says, my chest tightening. “Was a rape kit done?” He asks, receiving three nods. “You’re pressing charges despite the international barrier?” He asks again, receiving another nod. “You feel safe talking to someone about this, whether it’s your therapist, one of your Moms’ or your girlfriend?” He finally asks.

“I do.” I reply.

“Then that’s all I need to know there. Alright Moms’, do you want to give us just a minute for me to ask Tierna questions alone?” Barnes asks, Hope and Carli both getting up, each squeezing whatever bodypart of mine they were holding onto before letting go of my hand and my knee.

“Alright Tierna, now that your Moms’ are out of the room, is everything safe at home?” Barnes asks.

“They don’t hurt me. I promise, they’re wonderful to me.” I say, almost pleading, despite not having been threatened with anything.

“Don’t worry, I wasn’t worried, I just needed to cover all my bases. However, the same question goes for your girlfriend, is she nice to you?” He asks.

“She’s wonderful.” I say, my hand wrapped around the necklace she gave me.

“I’m glad you have people in your life that you can count on.” He begins. “Is there anything else you want to tell me while your Moms’ are out of the room?” He asks.

I shake my head no. 

“Alright, can you fill these out for me in the waiting room while I talk to your Moms’?” Doctor Barnes asks, handing me a clipboard full of questionnaires and a pen.

I nod, leaving the room and sending Hope and Carli back in.

“Alright. So your relationship is somewhat of an irregular one. Is there anything irregular going on that prompted you both to take Tierna in so willingly?” Barnes asks Hope and Carli.

Carli and Hope look at each other before looking back at the Doctor. “Beyond the fact that she needed a place to stay and I had multiple spare rooms, no. Nothing ‘prompted’ us. But after just a few weeks with her, we were both pretty attached.” Carli responds.

“Fair enough. Since she’s started living with you, have you noticed all of the symptoms she described to me?” Barnes asked.

“Yes. And she failed to mention that she has regular nightmares.” Hope says, quick to respond.

“How’s her social life?” He asks.

“Before she was sexually assaulted, I used to push her to make more friends, but afterwards I stopped pushing. She has Hope and I around for most of the day, every day. She has a friend that lives in New York that she spends time with sometimes, and then there’s Lindsey, her girlfriend. Other than that, she gets along with everyone on our team, but she hasn’t really gotten to experience the friendships that a lot of us seem to form.” Carli replies.

“Is that because of her trauma?” Barnes asks, writing down every word.

“She’s a good kid but she got dealt a bad hand. So when the kids her age on the team want to hang out and watch a movie, she either doesn’t want to go, or she’s afraid that something will happen. Like a panic attack, or a nightmare if she falls asleep.” Hope tells him.

“Does she talk to you both about how she’s feeling?” Barnes asks blankly.

“She almost never wants to, but we’re her Moms’, we can’t sleep unless we know everything that’s going on with her.” Carli responds, refraining from scoffing at the question.

“Is there anything else you’d like to share with me before I call her back in here?” Barnes asks, getting up in anticipation.

“We love her.” Carli starts. “But we’d say that even if she was in the room. We tell her that a lot.” She says.

“I figured that much.” Barnes says, a smile on his face.

Twenty minutes later, and I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and he added anxiety. He only prescribed one drug though, which we’re on our way to pick up before Hope’s promised ice cream trip much to Carli’s dismay. She can preach vegetables and greek yogurt all she wants, but Hope won’t ever stop bringing home pizza and ben and jerries. 

I feel tired, but the ice cream helps. At least it helped until my phone started ringing. Mint chocolate chip can calm me down from psychiatry appointments, but it can’t save me from whatever it is that Allie’s about to say.

“Hello?” I ask, knowing all too well that she only calls when she wants something now.

“Tierna, we have to talk, so we’re going for a hike. Bring your dog. I’ll pick you up in an hour.” Is all she says before she ends our fifteen second call.

“Who was that?” Carli asks, taking a bite of the frozen greek yogurt they started keeping in stock just for her.

“Allie. We have to go home. I think she’s going to kill me.” I admit.

“Not if she doesn’t see me coming.” Hope says, not sarcastically enough to be funny.

“Mum, I meant metaphorically.” I whine.

“I don’t like any kind of killing my baby. Metaphorical, physical. Whatever. If she tries to kill you in any way, I won’t be far away from wherever it is you’re going.” Hope replies.

“We’re going for a hike. She told me to bring Harley.” 

“Oh good. She can wear those little shoes I bought her.” Carli says, excited about Harley in shoes.

The ride is mostly quiet from there, with a few small talk questions. I found out that as of now, Hope and Carli are planning on getting married only two weeks before we leave for the World Cup, which is news to me. I suppose the wedding planning has been minimal.

I didn’t get the timing right. Allie texted me to tell me she was leaving, so I grabbed the shoes and shoved them into the pocket of my coat, slightly angry that we’re going for a hike in mid November, and fifteen minutes later I hooked Harley up to her leash thinking that Allie would be in the driveway. Unfortunately I was incorrect. So instead, I stand sweating in my jacket and hat, with a dog who is spinning in circles because she thinks that we’re going for a walk.

The car ride is miserable. Absolutely miserable. I didn’t count how many dogs there were in the backseat, but with Harley and all of Allie’s dogs, it sounds like at least eight dogs are barking every time they bark. Allie doesn’t seem to mind the noise, or the amount of snouts poking her in the back of the head, and she’s driving. I, however, don’t feel comfortable until all of the dogs are out of the car and in front of us.

“Alright. Are you ready for this?” Allie asks, putting the hood of her jacket up over her hat.

“I guess so. Is there a reason why you’ve dragged me out to the woods in late fall with a ton of dogs?” I ask, just hoping that she hasn’t planned to have her dogs maul me in the middle of the woods.

Before Allie and I head to the trail, I grab the shoes that Carli had me bring for Harley. I put her in them, one paw at a time. Harley’s a sweet dog, and a smart one too, but no dog is smart enough to immediately know how to walk in shoes. So she does the goofy walk, and picks up each paw before putting it back down, unsure of how to walk at first. Being a smart dog, she adjusts fairly quickly, but angrily, and starts walking normally again.

“Well, there was something, but that feels more important.” Allie giggles, having loved Harley’s little walk.

“She is pretty sweet.” I say, starting to lead the pack towards the trail.

“What I brought you here to talk about, is Lindsey.” Allie starts. “I don’t know what you’re doing to that poor girl, but you have to do something. All she talks about is you. But the longer your relationship has gone on, the more stressed she’s been. Half of the time she talks about how much she loves you, and the other half, she talks about how worried she is about you.” Allie says, starting to get serious. “I respect you, and I respect how much you’re willing to share with Lindsey, but she knows that something’s bothering you, and she’s not going to leave me alone until you tell her about it.” Allie explains. “She just wants to talk to you. She loves you.”

“I didn’t want her to worry. That’s why I hadn’t told her about anything heavy.” I say, looking down at the ground.

“I know that it might be hard to grasp, but Tierna, I think she might feel better if she was kept in the loop, rather than knowing that something was wrong, but not knowing what.” Allie tells me.

“So you’re saying that by not telling her anything, I’m worrying her? Even though I’m not telling her anything?” I ask, a little confused.

“Rookie. She worries about you regardless of what you tell her or don’t tell her. I can handle her talking about how in love with you she is, but I don’t know how much longer I can handle her worrying in circles about you.” 

“I didn’t know she was that worried.” I say, stopping to bend down to untwist myself from Harley and her leash.

“I know that it’s hard to believe, but other people care about you. And Lindsey is going to worry about you even when there’s nothing to worry about, but considering that there is, maybe you should cue her in?” Allie tells me.

“I’ll talk to her so that she stops bugging you.” I say, looking up at Allie with guilty eyes.

“Wait, no, Rookie you’re missing the point. I didn’t come here to tell you this because I need your girlfriend to shut up, I came here to tell you this because I thought you might want to help your girlfriend. I think she’d be able to calm down a little more if you just let her in.” Allie explains.

“I want to..” I trail off. “But it’s hard.” 

“You don’t have to bare your soul to her in one sitting, T. And she already knows the basics. So maybe you could just tell her what’s going on with you right now, and then you can start sharing details with her as you get more comfortable.” Allie encourages.

We start walking back to the car, ready to head home. I promise Allie that I’ll talk to Lindsey, and let her know what’s been going on. Fidgeting with the necklace around my neck, I know that talking to Lindsey is something that I owe not only to Lindsey, but to myself.


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what I was excited about. Short but sweet. If you have ideas regarding this, or anything else, I’m always open to anything! I swear to god you guys the end result of this has me wishing that I had the rest of this written so that I could share it with you.

“Lindsey, I need you to come pick me up. I can’t drive right now.” I whine into the phone.

“Babe? What’s wrong? Should I be worried? Do I need to call an ambulance?” Lindsey says, her tone getting higher, and the speed of her voice slowly getting faster.

“No, it’s nothing like that. I promise you. I’ll explain everything, and it won’t seem so daunting.” I say, doing my best to reassure her.

“I’ll be there in ten.” Lindsey says.

“No, you’ll be here in fifteen. Actually drive the speed limit Linds. It’s not a crisis, I promise. Okay?” 

“Okay.” Lindsey says, taking a deep breath through the phone.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

And with that, I prepared to start my day with Lindsey. It’s the one day off that my team gets per week, and since Hope, Carli, and I went out to breakfast, they were fine with me spending some time with Lindsey. So I take one last look in the mirror, running a comb through my hair before putting it up, and then running downstairs when I hear a car pull up out front. I yell out a goodbye to my Moms’ before busting out the door, careful not to let Harley out.

“Hi.” Is all I say to Lindsey before I lean in for a hello kiss.

“Hi yourself.” She says, starting the car again. “Where are we going?” She asks.

“I hadn’t thought about that part.” I admit softly. “How about that little sandwich place you like?” I suggest, knowing it should be a quiet place to talk.

“Okay.” Lindsey says before settling into a silence, letting the radio fill the empty space. “Are you okay?” She asks.

“Do you want to wait till neither of us are driving?” I ask, getting a nervous nod from Lindsey.

We’re both settled with sandwiches at a tiny table by the window when Lindsey finally has the nerve to ask me again. As much as I don’t want to answer her, I remember what Allie said about her worrying about me regardless of whether I keep her in the loop or not. So I take a deep breath, and I do the right thing.

“Linds, it’s been hard lately.”

“You can talk to me.” Is all Lindsey says, her eyes narrowing in concern.

“After I came back from California, everything just started feeling worse. The things from the past that still come back to haunt me are even more stressful than they were, and the things in the future that I’m worried about are even more daunting.” I admit.

“Is it anything specific? Or is it just a depressive episode?” Lindsey asks, reaching her hand across the table for me to take if I want to.

“I guess a little bit of both. Everything feels heavier. Whether it’s the exact trial date in January, or just managing to make it through the day with enough energy.” I tell her.

“Why are you telling me this now?” Lindsey asks.

“I-um. I guess I thought you would want to know.” I express nervously, hoping that this wasn’t a mistake.

“Wait no, I’m sorry. That was bad phrasing. Tierna, love, I want to know things like this all the time. But I guess what I was trying to say, is that I want to know these things when they come up. And it’s okay that you didn’t tell me when it came up, I know that talking about things that make you feel vulnerable are hard, but is there a reason that you’re telling me now?” Lindsey asks, giving my hand a squeeze of reassurance. 

“Well, Lindsey, I-um, I love you. And people who love each other tell each other things, even if they don’t want to worry them. I guess I just hope I didn’t realize that too late.” I say skittishly.

“Babe, I love you. I want you to tell me anything and everything. I want to be worried about you. I mean, I’d rather that I didn’t have to be worried about you, but if I’m going to worry about something, I want it to be you. So I’m glad you told me.” Lindsey replies, stopping to take a bite of her sandwich.

“I wish I didn’t worry you.” I say softly.

“And I wish that you didn’t have things in your life that make you feel heavy, but I’d rather face them together than you hide them and feel alone. Speaking of which. Is there a game plan for how we’re planning on dealing with this?” Lindsey asks.

“My Moms’ took me to see a psychiatrist. It’s why I can’t drive. I started a new medicine for depression and anxiety. They said it could make things worse before it makes things better though.” I admit.

“So you feel even worse right now than you did before the medicine?” Lindsey asks bluntly.

I nod sheepishly.

“Let me do something to help make you feel better?” Lindsey asks, perking up at the thought.

“Okay.” I say, a slight grin on my face.

“Alright, what do you think. We can take Allie’s car back to her apartment, watch a movie and cuddle. Or we could go play soccer at the park if you’re willing to go back home to change first.” Lindsey suggests, searching for ideas.

“Actually, there’s a project I’ve been thinking about doing but I kind of wanted someone else’s opinion on it before I started. And I was going to do it alone, but maybe you could help me?” I ask.

“What is it?” Lindsey asks, her interest piqued.

“You know how my Moms’ are engaged?” I ask, getting a nod. “They’re thinking about getting married two weeks before the world cup. Maybe this is a stupid idea, but I was thinking that they’ve been with me through some of the hardest moments of my life, and they missed out on some of the ones that Moms’ like. So maybe it’s stupid, but I was thinking about pulling together things from my childhood and putting them in it. Like getting my birth Moms’ ultrasound but changing the name, or finding pictures or videos of me as a little kid, and editing it to make it look like Hope and Carli are there.” I rant, talking a lot with my hands. As we settle into a silence I get nervous. “Forget it, it’s stupid, I’ll just save some Nike money and get them a new car or a vacation or something.”

“Tierna, it’s perfect.” Lindsey says, practically in shock.

“You think so?” I ask, barely looking up at her.

“I know they’ll love it. Babe, you’re going to make Hope Solo cry sentimental tears.” 

“Do you want to help me?” I ask.

“I would be honored.” Lindsey tells me.

“Great, because I can’t drive for thirty days, and it’s only day five.” I admit.

After some careful discussion, we decide to start planning the gift chronologically, meaning that we call the hospital I was born at to get my ultrasounds. Due to years of impersonating my Mom on the phone and my memorization of all of her personal information, it takes approximately twenty minutes for the hospital to agree to send all three ultrasounds to Allie’s address (given so that Carli and Hope don’t accidentally open them). Following that, we head to Carli’s house, all the way up to the attic under the guise that we’re looking for some of my sweaters that I put up in storage.

Lindsey and I sift through boxes looking for the camcorder that has most of the footage of my childhood on it, along with stray pictures that I grabbed before leaving home. We start finding pictures almost immediately since they’re strewn throughout all the boxes, but we don’t find the camcorder until we’ve been in the attic for about an hour. Realizing that we have to transport both a camcorder and mountains of pictures of infant me to teenage me downstairs, we grab a box, empty it, put the things in the box, and cover it with a sheet before climbing down and leaving, telling Carli that we’re going to dinner.

Really where we went was Allie’s. It takes twenty dollars up front to get Allie’s word that she won’t share any of the pictures of me on social media, just so that Carli and Hope won’t see them before the wedding. She laughs so hard at a lanky, thirteen year old me that her face turns red and I’m not quite sure that she’s still breathing properly. Lindsey tries not to laugh out of respect, but can’t help but giggle a little bit.

“I’m sorry babe! You were cute!” She says, her smile contagious.

“You hadn’t grown into your ears. They were so big!” Allie howls. 

“You know. Allie I don’t think I’ve seen you laugh this hard since vine was around.” Lindsey admits.

“Please only do this project at my apartment. I’m begging. I’m sure that you were adorable a lot of the time, but I just want to see the pictures and videos of you when you were awkward.” Allie begs, still laughing a little.

“I had the ultrasounds sent here. Those might be slightly less laughable though. If it’s okay, I think we are planning on doing this here for a few months on the side. Only if it’s alright with you though.” I ask.

“Rookie, I would love to see how adorable you can make this. I’ll also be there with a camera when you make Hope Solo cry. I am a little interested in how you plan on making it look like Hope and Carli were in these pictures and videos though.” Allie says.

“I took graphic design at Stanford so I’m pretty good at photoshop. The videos will be less about getting Hope and Carli in them, and more about getting my birth parents out of them, which should be slightly easier.” I explain.

“Are we only doing the ultrasounds, videos, and pictures?” Lindsey asks after Allie walks away.

“I’m not really sure yet. I figured that since we have a few months, we could start here and see where it takes us.” I tell her, admitting my lack of a plan.

“That sounds like a great idea.”

Lindsey makes us hot chocolate while I shuffle through pictures of my childhood. The soccer tournaments, school science fairs, my first birthday, the loss of my first tooth. When I think about it, I’m pretty sure that my first baby tooth to fall out is still sitting in a drawer in my birth parents house, unless they threw it out when they threw me out. If only I could write them to ask for it back. 

When Lindsey returns we snuggle up and enjoy some of the footage from the camcorder. That is, after we run around trying to find new batteries for the seventeen year old camera. Lindsey lets out an “aw” every fifteen seconds, seemingly just at my existence. Whether I sing, or toddle, or even barely say a word (maybe my first word?), she’s fawning over my existence. So hopefully, if my twenty two year old girlfriend finds it adorable, my Moms’ will like it too.

Eventually, once I feel myself starting to wake up, I realize that it’s time for me to take my medicine, which means that I need to get home. So Lindsey and I finish our hot chocolate, we box up the camcorder and pictures, and get in the car, discussing potential ideas on our way back to Carli’s house. When we pull into the driveway I tell her exactly what she needs to hear.

“Lindsey?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” I tell her, trying to say those three words as much as possible.

“I love you too.” She says, leaning over to give me a goodbye kiss.

One peanut butter and jelly, and one antidepressant later, I’m curled up on the couch, too knocked out to even get up and move to my bed. My Moms’ you ask? Instead of covering me with a blanket and leaving me there, or carrying me to bed, they lay down with me. Hope spoons with me, and Harley and Carli sleep in the recliner, which I’m sure isn’t comfortable, but they do anyways out of necessity to be close to us. I curl into Hope, sleeping as peacefully as I felt today.


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You’re gonna love me a little bit, and hate me a little bit. So my bad-ish? As always, if you have ideas or suggestions, drop me a comment and I will probably think about it for hour on end before writing it into this story.

Three-one-zero. That’s my team's winning record. We drew once, but really I should have known better than to make them run the beep test at the practice before a game. Why does any of this matter? Because Hope and I are on our way to set up for each of our two teams to face off. A battle of coaches rather than teams.

Even Allie, who avoids high school kids like the plague, shows up before the whistle blows. Carli, Allie, and Lindsey sit right in a row. Lindsey’s wearing my team's colors. Carli refrained from wearing any teams colors on purpose, and Allie showed up in Hope’s teams colors, but literally buys a shirt from the store next door just to avoid supporting Hope. She misses the first few minutes of the game because of it, but lucky for her, there’s nothing important to be missed.

My style of game coaching is to just sort of let things play out. It took me a game or two to realize that I’m not allowed to sub myself on, and that there’s essentially nothing I can do to change what’s happening on the field. However, once I figured that out, I calmed down quite a bit. Hope’s style of coaching is to yell so loudly that I’m worried a vein is going to pop out of her neck. She’s used to not being able to change games, being a keeper and all, but she’s always been the type to yell until she’s heard.

So right now, as my midfield is pressing her striker to the point of possession loss, she’s about to snap a clipboard in two. I know that as a coach I should watch the play unfold on the pitch, but as a member of this family, I chose to turn and look at Allie, Carli, and Hope. Once I catch a glimpse, I have to turn right back around to stop myself from bursting into laughter from their antics. Carli’s got her hood up and is wearing sunglasses, likely embarrassed by Hope’s coaching. Allie is eating popcorn that she pulled out of her purse, enjoying the show, and Lindsey? Lindsey is the inverse of Hope, screaming just as loud, but instead cheering on my players instead of screaming instructions at them.

By the half it’s one to one, and Mia’s only question is “Are we playing so badly that Carli Lloyd doesn’t want to be seen here?” And it takes everything in me to not explain that Carli Lloyd is just embarrassed that her fiance is one step away from turning into the incredible hulk. Hannah seems off though. Despite having come in with an assist, she’s holding her head in her hands, and not drinking as much water as the other girls are, despite running just as hard. She really is the mythical forward who drops back when defending. I send everyone else back onto the field just a second early to ask her a question, wanting to check in.

“Hannah, are you feeling okay?” I ask as caringly as possible.

“Fine.” She deadpans, tossing her water bottle aside before running back to the field, giving me no time to ask a follow up question. 

Whether or not Hannah is okay or not, both physically and emotionally, is something that I think about from the sides, but she’s definitely okay on the field. Two minutes into the second half, and she’s already confused two defenders long enough to let the midfield cross it to her. Hope’s keeper gets a hand on what Hannah manages to do with it, but it’s not enough to keep it out of the back of the net. Two one.

Hope? Silently plotting the end of someone's soccer career. Lindsey? Screaming at the very top of her lungs, standing on the indoor bleachers, probably scaring the parents. Allie is filming the whole thing, and Carli looks as if she’s about to head out, too worried about what’s going to happen if Hope loses this game.

Hope loses three to two, and it turns out that after the final whistle blows, she yells at her team until she doesn’t feel like yelling anymore, and then she goes back to being regular Hope again. I just hope that for her team's sake, she points out the things they did well. While Hope’s team is busy packing up their things, she heads over to see Carli, disappointed that she also has to see Allie and Lindsey too.

“Hope Solo, what would you like to say about that devastating loss?” Allie says, holding out an imaginary microphone and facing her camera towards Hope.

“I would like to say that if you don’t leave me alone about it, I’ll tell everyone about what happened in Brazil, and make sure that your invitation to my wedding gets lost in the mail. Now get out of here.” Hope says, only partially kidding.

Whatever Hope said scared Allie enough to hit the road, and although Allie’s usually Lindsey’s ride home, Lindsey chooses to stick around. Although, Lindsey’s smart enough to leave Hope alone after a loss. I, however, instead of joining the three of them, head to the locker room to check on a certain winger that I’m not so convinced is doing alright.

“Hey Han-” I say, cutting myself off in shock. Hannah had been lifting up her shirt revealing a bruise on her hips before violently yanking it back down once she saw me coming. “Hannah.” I say softly.

“I got knocked at practice. It’s not a big deal. I can guarantee at least five other girls in this locker room would have identical ones if you asked.” Hannah says defensively.

“The difference is that those five other girls wouldn’t rip their shirts back down to hide it.” I tell her, knowing the signs all too well.

“I promise, I was just pressing Ellie, and when she went to drop kick the ball, she got me instead.” Hannah promises.

“Hannah, I’m going to elect to believe you for now, but I want you to know that I’m here for you okay. Give me your phone.” I demand, leaving no room for arguments.

“Why?” Hannah asks, surprised.

“I’m going to put my number in, just in case that bruise on your ribs wasn’t Ellie’s foot and you want to tell me about it.” I say, taking her phone and putting in my number. “Alright, here you go. I know that I’m only a couple years older than you, so if there’s someone else you’d rather talk to, I can get you a number to a help line, or access to a counselor or something. You don’t have to talk to me, okay?” I ask.

“Okay.” Hannah says, shuffling her hands around the straps of her duffel bag, walking past me to leave.

“Hey Hannah?” I ask, looking her in the eyes as she turns back around and stops. “You were great out there today.”

“Thank you.”

I believe her. I believe what she told me about our goalkeeper Ellie, but I can’t shake the feeling that something is going on with her. For now I let it go, knowing that there’s nothing else I can do. So I walk back out to meet Lindsey, Hope and Carli.

“Take your bow.” Lindsey says, not sarcastic enough for Hope to find it funny. I just playfully scoff at her and go for a hug from Hope, hoping that she isn’t too angry to accept it.

“I’m not mad at you.” She whispers, her voice contorted from her face being scrunched up in my neck. “I’m mad that your seventeen year olds were better than my seventeen year olds.” She says, pulling back when I start giggling. “Also, I want your winger. The one who made two assists and scored that goal.” She adds.

“That’s Hannah. You had the opportunity and you passed her up.” I say, jokingly, watching Lindsey and Carli watching all of this unfold.

“Where has she signed for?” Hope asks, probably asking about colleges.

“I’m not sure. I’ll have to ask her though.” I reply thoughtfully, knowing that someone that talented has to be going to a division one school in the fall.

“Alright. Dinner?” Carli interjects.

“So now you’re willing to be seen with me?” Hope asks playfully.

“To be fair, Hope. You do scream like a banshee.” Lindsey says.

“You know what. That’s Ms. Solo to you.” Hope says defensively.

“Really?” Lindsey laughs, enjoying every minute of this.

Hope ignores the question, now more preoccupied with the pursuit of dinner. I follow her to the car, climbing into the backseat with Lindsey. We hold hands, despite being watched in the rearview mirror. Hope tries not to let a smile form on her face at the sight, but the corners of her mouth turn upwards just slightly. Enough for me to know she likes Lindsey enough for me to feel like my judgement isn’t skewed. I let go of Lindsey’s hand to reach for my phone which Lindsey isn’t happy about, but she doesn’t mind once she sees what I’m doing.

I start typing out a note to her, not wanting to ask her out loud because of Hope and Carli’s presence. I ask if any of the ultra sounds have shown up at Allie’s yet, and if she has any ideas going forward. When she takes the phone, she types out that nothings come yet, but that she had a few ideas for the gift. I can really tell that she’s been living with Allie, just by her use of seriously detailed plans for only partially serious projects. Lindsey has some idea that we can have either Alex Morgan, or Servando, who are both California based due to the L.A. Galaxy right now, pretend that they’re from the U.S. soccer museum, and show up at my parents house asking for random documents like medals, trophies, and pictures. I giggle at the idea, looking up at her with the “you’re kidding right?” expression.

“What are you two doing back there?” Carli asks, turning around as if she was checking on siblings in a car trip who are getting at each other’s throats.

“Nothing.” We each reply at the same time.

“Yeah, I believe that.” She says sarcastically, not bothering to investigate further.

Lindsey steals my phone back, typing in that she thinks it could be sweet, and that I should at least think about it. I reply saying that I barely know Alex, and that I’ve never met Servando. Am I really supposed to explain that my parents are abusive homophobes and that Carli and Hope are my stand in Moms’ and that for their wedding gift, I need one of them to pretend to be a historian and go get a ton of things from my childhood home and mail them to Allie’s place? Am I really supposed to ask Servando to do that, considering that my parents would probably recognize Alex Morgan. I tell her that I’ll think about it. I like the thought of giving my Moms’ the soccer medals I won from when I could barely walk. I just hate the idea of having to get them.

Dinner is quiet. I end up sleepy, still adjusting to side effects from my new antidepressants. Lindsey and Carli think it’s kind of cute. Hope, not so much. They have to wake me up to get me out of the restaurant, which is slightly embarrassing, but I’m too tired to really feel it. Lindsey plays with my hair in the back seat all the way to Allie’s apartment, lulling me to sleep, which makes it a difficult transition when she’s kissing my forehead goodbye, and Hope is jokingly wishing her good riddance as she gets out of the car. With that, we’re on our way back to Carli’s house for the night.

Hope carries me upstairs, putting me to sleep and this time not letting up even when I grab onto a fistful of her shirt. Instead carefully trading her shirt for the bear that Lindsey got me, which I haven’t been sleeping with out of pride. Hope however finds it adorable, and stops to snap a picture before rushing downstairs to show Carli, telling her that she should really look for herself.

“She’s like a big kid. Like Sonnet, except if you traded all of the stupidness for sweetness.” Carli whispers low enough to make sure she doesn’t wake me up. 

“So I’ll sneak in here early enough to take it from her to make sure that she doesn’t get too embarrassed by it?” Hope asks.

“No. Let her have it. As long as we pretend that we don’t know about it, she won’t mind.” Carli counters.

“Carli, love, we should really go back downstairs to talk about her.” Hope says, her tone slightly more serious.

“Why? Did she talk to you? Is something wrong? Is it her meds? I knew we shouldn’t have trusted that doctor.” Carli says, escalating.

“Babe, just come downstairs with me. It’s none of that, alright?” Hope asks, grabbing Carli’s hand to lead the way.

“So if it’s not her medicine, and she didn’t talk to you, then what’s going on?” Carli asks, sitting in between Hope’s legs with her back to Hope’s chest. 

“I think we should start planning for January.” Hope admits.

“What do you mean?” Carli turns to ask.

“Sit still.” Hope chides. “You and I both know that even if our girl isn’t testifying, just being in the same room with him again surrounded by people whom she doesn’t trust but wants to like her, is going to be a traumatic experience for her, and we need to start planning for that.”

“Are we bad parents?” Carli asks existentially.

“Honey I know this is hard. I wish that instead of making her fly to Canada and be in the same room with him, we could magically erase him from her mind, but you and I both know that isn’t going to happen. And I don’t think that she would let this go without a fight.” Hope starts. “By doing this with her, we’re making sure that no one else’s baby ever has to do this.”

“You’re right.” Carli says, sinking back into Hope’s chest.

“But our baby. What do we do about our baby?” Hope asks again.

“Hope I don’t think that anyone has written a book on how to take your daughter to court to get her rapist convicted. I don’t think that there’s a plan for that.” Carli admits.

“Look, I know that this is stressful for you. It’s not easy on me either. But for her, this is going to be either the hardest, or the second hardest day of her life, and I know that there’s no pre-made blueprint for it that we can pick up at the library, but goddamn it I want to be sure that if there’s anything we can do for her, we do it.” Hope rants.

“So what do you suggest?” Carli asks, barely contributing.

“Carli, love, what’s going on with you? Typically when I bring up our girl, you turn into Mister Rogers, but something is off. Talk to me.” Hope pleads, finally seeing that something is very wrong.

“I’m worried okay!” Carli shouts, sitting up. “I’m worried about what’s going to happen to that sweet girl upstairs. I mean think about it Hope, it’s like Merry Christmas, it’s your first big holiday with parents who love you, and then she has to go and be a part of a trial, surrounded by teammates testifying on her behalf when she’s only just met them. And then she has to go right into a World Cup season, and she has to spend part of it away from us with the Red Stars!” Carli explodes, upset about every part of this situation.

“I know.” Hope starts, taking just a second to calm her wife down before attempting to use logic to make an impact. She rubs her shoulders and kisses her temple before doing the best she can to try again. “You’re right. You are absolutely right. The girl that we love, got a raw deal. But you and I are going to do everything we can to make it up to her, okay? We’ll make it a special Christmas, and get her more gifts than she’s probably ever even seen before. And then we’ll do everything we can to make the trial easy for her, which we don’t have to talk about tonight. Carli, you and I both know that even though she’s worried about her teammates liking her, that she’s the team baby, which makes her automatically loved by everyone. And if I have to personally threaten Julie Ertz, Casey Short, Alyssa Naeher, all the way on down to Sarah Gorden and Bianca St. Georges to make sure that our baby is taken care of in the windy city, then that’s what I’ll do. Plus, you may be scoring hat tricks for Sky Blue, but I could always hire a coach and a manager for my academy and fly out to see her myself if that’s what it comes down to. But Carli my love, Tierna is going to be okay.” Hope promises to an upset Carli.

“You do promise?” Carli checks nervously, craning her head to make eye contact with her fiance.

“I promise. Now let’s go to bed. Planning for the trial can wait, but you and I need sleep.” Hope says, scooping Carli up bridal style.

“You probably do need to sleep that defeat off.” Carli fires back.

“Hey now, I can leave you right here if that’s what you want.” Hope jokes, playfully kissing her fiance before carrying her up the stairs to bed. 

Neither of the two sleep perfectly after imagining the stress of the coming months, but the idea of the little moments in between all of the chaos and sadness leave them with at least a shred of hope as the time slowly runs away from them. They worry, and they protect, but when all they can do is damage control, it doesn’t feel much like control anymore. It just feels wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don’t love Hope Solo- at least in this, you might be wrong.


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly not my best work, but I’m moving into college tomorrow so I’m a little preoccupied. There’s good stuff planned, I promise.

It’s December now. There are three games left in our season, and three and a half weeks until Christmas, which I apparently now celebrate. Not for religious reasons though, just because Carli Carli’s a softy for string lights and Hope likes the snow and sugar cookies. I guess I don’t mind either way. I’ve never really experienced a holiday to its full extent, not really anyways.

Today my whole team comes into practice, all of them wearing coats, although not a single of them bothered to put on sweatpants over their shorts. I laugh at the consistency of high schoolers making halfway good decisions about what to wear in the cold. They never get it all the way right, but at least they wore their coats here.

To warm them up, both temperature wise and physically, I have them jog a few laps around the turf. That’s when Lindsey walks through the door. She is prepared for the cold, being from Colorado and all. However, she makes her way towards me and starts asking about season statistics as if I have them off of the top of my head. All I know is that Hope and I are the only two who can win it. Our teams. Our teams are the only two that can win it. I guess that Carli’s competitiveness is rubbing off on me…

While Lindsey doesn’t make it clear why she showed up to a practice by surprise, she does stick around to help with drills. It’s nice to have another set of experienced eyes correcting form and technique since I can’t be everywhere at all times. With Lindsey being there, I have more time to keep an eye on Hannah. Not that she technically needs it. Her game isn’t struggling at all. It’s limp, a bruise, or even a slight mentality change that I’m looking for in her. Being as smart as she is with throwing off defenders, she can tell that I’m watching her, and she knows that while I’m not trying to steal the ball from her, I am trying to protect her even though I don’t know what from. So she smiles more, and she talks to the other girls, but it looks forced, and even she knows it.

“Hey Linds?” I whisper, pulling on the shoulder of Lindsey’s sweatshirt.

“What?” She asks, redirecting her attention to me.

“Watch Hannah for a second.” I say, my eyes narrowing in on her.

“Yeah, she’s acing it. Her footwork looks great, and it honestly wouldn’t shock me if she started showing up at camps within the next five years.” Lindsey says, referring to the National team.

“No, I know. But do you think something looks off?” I ask.

“Oh, I don’t know. Why? Did something happen?” Lindsey asks, her concern growing.

“Just something small after the game against Hope’s team.” I mumble.

“Let me talk to her after practice. I know that you probably want to help her, but you’re stressed enough as is, and she needs a coach too, okay?” Lindsey asks before walking away to help Hazel with her form.

Knowing that Lindsey will talk to her makes me feel good enough to stop being distracted for long enough to run a good practice. One that leaves me confident that we’ll perform well for our next game. My defenders are looking confident which is bringing the whole team into a state of bliss that I don’t think I’ve ever seen a high school team perform at. It’s odd seeing them perform at such a high level fairly consistently, because they’ll go for ten straight minutes playing like an NWSL team, and then someone will make a pass that even JV could intercept. The technique is mostly there, and so is the coordination for the most part, their brains just short circuit every once in a while. I think that’s why I enjoy watching them so much, because they’re young, but they’re talented.

When practice ends, I try not to crowd around Lindsey and Hannah, instead giving them the space that they need to have whatever conversation it is that they need to have. So instead I pick up the cones from the dribbling that I ended practice with, while my team heads out to their minivans with coats on but bare legs. It makes me giggle a little bit before I remember that Hannah could be in a bad situation.

When I turn around to sneak a peek at Lindsey and Hannah, they’re laughing together, and not uncomfortably. I don’t know whether to feel encouraged by it, or like Hannah’s leaving something out. Maybe my gut was wrong. It seems to be wrong a lot these days.

Lindsey lets Hannah leave, waving goodbye before coming back to me, dragging me to put on my coat before she starts talking.

“I think that it might really have just been a bruise.” Lindsey begins. “I know she looks tired sometimes, but let's be real here, she’s a forward who really does drop back, and so maybe she’s just worn out from all of that on top of the goals she scores for you.” Lindsey jokes. 

“Maybe you’re right.” I say hesitantly. “I don’t know.. I guess I just had a gut feeling about it.” 

“Those are usually trustworthy.” Lindsey says, her tone a little more serious now. “Maybe you should talk to her and tell her you’re worried instead of just having regular conversations with her to try and get a feel for things.” She suggests. 

“I’ll do that. Or maybe you’re right. I mean, I would rather that Hannah is just okay. You know what I mean?” I ask, a little sad.

“I know.” Lindsey says, opening up her arms in a way that offers me a hug that I can choose to accept or reject, being in a public place and all.

I lean into her arms and sigh, wishing that everything didn’t seem so heavy all the time. There’s still two to four weeks left until my antidepressants should start working, and even then, they’re not miracle drugs, they just take the edge off.

“You know why I came?” Lindsey asks, stepping backwards with a smile.

I don’t respond, I just smile, indulging her adorable raised eyebrow and grin combination.

“I know we’re getting close to Christmas and all, but I had an idea for your Moms’ wedding gift.” Lindsey says.

“What is it?” I ask excitedly.

“Kelley and Sonnet called, and they’re going to California to surf right after New Years with a couple of Kelley’s Stanford buddies. I know you were uncomfortable with Alex or Servando going to your parents house, but would you be comfortable with one of them? Or even one of their Stanford buddies?” Lindsey asks.

“Well Linds, that’s sweet, but I know people from Stanford, and they don’t know that my parents cut me off.” I start, just to get cut off.

“Babe, Kelley graduated in two thousand ten. You don’t know any of her friends from Stanford unless their college legends. It’s okay if you’re uncomfortable with it, but I could talk to them, and I think they would be happy to do it.” Lindsey offers, pushing a little bit.

“My Moms’ would probably love to have my soccer pictures from when I was three…” I trail off. “Or my high school yearbooks.” I add. “Maybe even the stuffed bunny I had when I was a baby.”

“Tierna, it’s all up to you, okay? I’m not going to push you on this, I just think it would be really sweet.” Lindsey reassures me.

“Let’s do it. I want that to be a part of it.” I say confidently. “Can we call Kelley together? One of her Stanford friends would have to do it so that my parents don’t recognize them.” I admit.

“Of course.” Lindsey says, taking me back to Allie’s.

An hour and a half later, we’ve explained to Kelley my long, humiliating backstory, and why we need one of her Stanford friends to pose as a historian from the USSF museum and ask to raid my parents house for any remnants of my childhood. Where’s Julie Foudy when you need her.

Once we’re done with that, Lindsey and I spend an unreasonable amount of time uploading pictures onto my computer just to photoshop my parents out and then photoshop Carli and Hope in. What also took a lot of work was to get pictures of them from about twenty years ago, but Lindsey and I are invested. 

The ultrasounds took a minimal amount of work. All we had to do was have a heated debate about whether Hope or Carli would have been the one to be pregnant with me, before changing the name on it to match. It was close, but we decided it was Carli. 

Once we do those things, we decide to call it a night, and Lindsey takes me back to Hope’s Academy so that I can pick up my car to drive it home. I tell her I love her before I go, enjoying those three words more than any others. 

I arrive home to tension, which hasn’t been unusual lately. Carli and Hope have both seemed to want to love on me as much as possible, but they seem stressed with each other. Not angry, just stressed. No matter how hard I try, I can’t figure out why, or how to fix it. So I just try to be extra helpful around the house, and love them as much as possible.

Tonight when I walk in, the raised voices go silent.

“What are you fighting about?” I ask, trying to mask the hurt from my voice.

“Oh no, baby we’re not fighting, we’re talking about something that we’re really passionate about it’s just a little stressful. We’re not mad at each other.” Carli reassures me, jumping up to see me.

“Kiddo we’re not mad. No one’s fighting. It’s just a hard discussion.” Hope confirms.

“Okay.” I deadpan. “Then what are you discussing?” I ask.

The two look at each other, totally not prepared for that question. That’s when I realize that they were talking about me. 

“Oh my god.” I start. “I’m sorry.” I say, getting worked up about something that’s not even clear to me yet. “I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry.”

“Kiddo, love, you didn’t do anything wrong! We were talking about you, but we weren’t fighting about you, okay? We promise.” Hope says, desperate to calm me down.

At this point the tears in my eyes are falling and the pacing back and forth becomes more frantic, a feature that will soon cease, to be replaced by stationary sinking against a wall somewhere.

“I’m sorry.” I say lightly, Carli losing it and wrapping herself tightly around me.

“Sit down.” She demands sadly, leading me to the couch. “Little love, we know that the trial next month is going to be one of the worst things to ever happen to you, and so your Mum and I have been trying to plan for it. We know that there isn’t really anything we can do to fix it, but if there’s anything that we can do to make it easier for you, we’re going to.” Carli insists.

“Wait.” I say, wiping tears away in confusion. “You weren’t fighting about me?” I ask.

“Kid, we never fight about you. We love you, and all we wanted to do was make sure that we were doing the best thing for you.” Hope explains.

“Oh.” I sigh, stray tears falling still. “You wanted to make Canada easier for me?” I ask in shock.

“Love, no one wants to see their baby in pain.” Carli says, tucking a strand of tear stained hair behind my ear.

“So what were you planning?” I ask, sniffling now.

“We weren’t done.” Hope says. “And we don’t really know what we’re doing. It’s not like this is an everyday situation that people know how to plan for. We just wanted to make sure that we did what was best for you.” She admits.

“Honey, you know how Allie was sexually assaulted?” Carli asks.

I nod.

“There’s a support group that meets a couple of times a week that she goes two in the off season. We were worried about it triggering you, but maybe after the trial it would be helpful for you to go with her and talk to other people who have been through what you’ve been through. You’re Mum and I will listen to whatever it is that you have to say, but we can only understand bits and pieces of how you must be feeling.” Carli starts. “You don’t have to. It’s just an idea.”

“While we’re in Canada, we’re going to get two rooms with two queen beds, one room for your Mom and I and another for Lindsey. That way you can choose who you want to sleep with without actually having to sleep with anyone, and you can move back and forth if you want.” Hope adds.

“We assumed Lindsey was coming based on how things were going with you two.” Carli interjects.

“I hope so.” I say slowly.

“If you ask her to, she will.” Hope says confidently.

“We were going to ask you whether you wanted your teammates in a different hotel or the same hotel as us. We didn’t know whether you would want to see them or not.” Carli says. “Ali’s called to check on you a few times. “So has Naeher, but she always sounds really awkward.”

“I guess I don’t mind either way. Just let me pay for all of this.” I say, feeling humiliated that all of these people are putting their lives on hold for me.

“We’ll talk about it.” Hope says, which is code for “I’m paying for it and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

“We asked Becky to come.” Carli adds. “We figured you would want her there even though she’s not a witness. Actually we didn’t even ask her. She asked if she could come and we said yes. I hope you don’t mind.” 

“I don’t.” I say, missing Sauerbrunn a whole awful lot at the moment.

“That was all that we got to.” Hope admits.

“You thought of all of that for me?” I ask even though they just thoroughly outlined all their plans to help me.

“I know it’s hard to remember. Especially when you feel so depressed, but we love you so, so much. And we would do absolutely anything to make you feel safe, comfortable, and loved.” Hope says, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“We’re going to keep reminding you that we love you until you can’t possibly forget it.” Carli says smuggly, kissing the other side of my forehead.

It’s these moments that I wish I had pictures of, just with all three of us fifteen years younger. I love them to a level that I didn’t think could be reciprocated, until it was. And now that it is, I feel both lucky and uncomfortable all at the same time. 

I left that conversation to order two Christmas presents. A custom canvas print of the constellations above New York on the night that Carli let me come live with her for Carli, and a custom jersey for Hope to wear to next seasons games. It has Carli’s name, but my number. A little bit of each of us so that she can have us both with her on gameday.. 

Thinking about what to get Lindsey is a little harder. Everything makes me feel either nervous, or guilty. She surprises me with necklaces for no reason, and yet all I’ve given her is a trip to Philly. I scroll through pages and pages of ideas on my laptop, but I end up putting it away and going to bed before buying anything, deciding that she deserves more than anything that appeared on my screen. 

The night is as peaceful as it could get. Between nightmares, there are small dreams about my sweet girlfriend who helps me put together wedding gifts for my Moms’ who are currently working on a plan to keep me safe while I’m in Canada. Every so often I get to dream about them. And in those dreams, the scariest thing that could happen, is that Becky wants to watch Die Hard instead of Planet Earth. Small smiles form on my face as I dream of trivial things where there is no trial, and no depression. There’s just our own little piece of happiness.


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, sorry it’s been four whole days. I moved into college, and welcome week has been constant required things for me to do, so I haven’t had time to write. Accept this nothing but fluff chapter as my apology.

Saturday morning. Of all the times she could have woken me up to drag me out shopping, she chooses Saturday morning. That’s what I get for living with Carli Lloyd. So half asleep, I let her drive me to wherever she’s told me where we’re going, even though I’ve already forgotten. I slump down in my seat and resist the urge to whine about the fact that Hope gets to sleep in. 

“Mom, what are we doing again?” I ask, both sleepily and whiny. 

“I need your help getting a Christmas present for your Mum. My gift for her has to be better than her gift for me.” Carli says, as if it’s a completely normal and healthy statement.

“Have you ever thought about the possibility that you could just get her a gift without trying to outdo her?” I ask gently.

“What’s the point in that?” Carli asks, dead serious.

“Well, maybe you would both get each other gifts that you actually liked instead of just getting each other things that you thought were better than the other persons possible gift.” I suggest.

“It makes some sense.” She starts. “But I don’t know where to start.” She sighs, a little defeated.

At this moment, I don’t know whether to find this sweet, or to feel bad for my clueless Moms’ who are hopelessly in love with one another.

“Well, Mom, what does Mum like?” I encourage her, a happy little smile on my face.

“She likes soccer. And she loves us.” Is all Carli can come up with apparently. 

“So what could you get her that has to do with one, or both of those interests?” I ask, trying to lead her somewhere.

“She just got a new pair of cleats, and she already has way too many pairs of shin guards. And I would give her us, but I’m pretty sure that we’re already pretty much hers.” Carli says seriously.

At this point I’m about ready to put my head in my hands and call it a day. Or just buy Hope a second gift and tell her it’s from Carli.

“Think about something sentimental. Maybe something custom that isn’t necessarily as practical as a pair of cleats that she’ll coach in?” I suggest.

“What does that mean?” Carli asks, starting to catch on.

“Well, what if you got her something that incorporated both soccer and us?” I ask.

“I can’t get her back on the National team. I’ve tried.” Carli admits, causing me to giggle at the mental picture that creates.

“I didn’t mean that. What if you got her cleats that had our names on them, since some models can be customized? Or you could even get her regular shoes that she can wear off of the pitch.” I say, not sure how much more of this I can take, and unsure as to why she’s still headed towards the mall. 

“I’m not going to do that.” Carli says, her face completely changing it’s expression.

“What are you going to do Mom?” I ask, a little nervous as to what’s about to happen.

“She asked me to be her girlfriend while we were sitting on a bench next to a lamp post that’s not too far from here.” She says.

“And?” I ask, trailing off in confusion.

“I’m going to get a contractor to build it in our backyard.” She says confidently.

Not that I’ve ever been one to compare my gifts to the gifts that other people give, but right now, I feel like the jersey that Hope is going to open on Christmas morning is going to be significantly less exciting than seeing the scene that she asked her future wife to be her girlfriend at in her own backyard. What calms me down though, is the fact that Carli is turning around the car, presumably to go home.

Ten minutes later and we’re stopped. Not in the driveway of our home, but in front of the very bench and lamp post that she intends on having recreated for the love of her life. I watch her as she takes pictures from every angle, probably to send to prospective contractors. However, my curiosity sparks and I ask her about what’s on my mind.

“So how did it go?” I ask.

“What?” She asks, craning her head to look at me.

“This is where she asked you to be her girlfriend, right? How did it go?” I ask again.

Carli’s whole expression changes from happiness to over the top joy.

“Alright, you sit here. You’re me, and I’m Hope, alright?” She says, sitting me down on the bench. “So she leaned up against this lamp post, right next to me, she turned her head to look at me, and then she just looked at me like she knew something that she had yet to tell me. Which to be fair, she did. But at the time I didn’t know that.” Carli giggles. “‘So she looks at me and she says ‘It’s been a while hasn’t it?’ but keep in mind, it had been exactly three and a half weeks. So I personally thought that she had just had a little bit too much to drink at the dinner we had just had, but she looks at me again.” Carli says, smiling ear to ear. “And she says ‘I want to be more than this.’ And while I was just sitting on this bench, god knows why, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why Hope Solo was telling me that she wanted to be more than what we were. So a few more minutes later, and we agreed that girlfriends was where we were okay with drawing the line.” Carli explains, the nostalgia taking over for her.

Maybe it’s awkward or weird that I think my parents' love story is sweet and romantic, but I do. Really I do. So all I can do is smile, relax, and take a break from everything in my life that's more stressful than waking up early on a Saturday morning. It’s kind of nice actually. 

“Let’s go home.” Are the words that pull me out of my little day dream and back into a pleasant reality.

I climb into the car with Carli, who feels the need to hum the melody to every song that comes on the radio. I think that my favorite part is that she stops humming when they curse, as if her humming is somehow the equivalent of her also cursing along with them. It’s not a big thing, but it’s just one of those things that only Carli does, which makes me love it. 

When we get home, Hope is sitting on the couch eating cereal, confused as to why she’s been left out of Saturday morning adventures. She doesn’t seem to mind, or even ask questions once I sit down to spoon with her. Carli even gives me a wink as if to say ‘nice distraction kid.’ I stick my tongue out at her before nuzzling even more into Hope.

“What’s this about?” Hope asks.

“I’m not allowed to cuddle with my Mum?” I ask, not sure whether or not I should be hurt.  
‘  
Hope wraps her arms protectively around my stomach to bar me from leaving, a move that I had no idea she was capable of making. “No, of course you are. But you just got back with your Mom and you came straight to me.” She says, loosening her grip, knowing that I won’t jump up to leave after that reassurance.

“I just love you.” I say, mock-cute like, with my eyes as sweet as I can make them.

“Carli!” Hope yells to the kitchen. “Can we keep her?” She asks, once Carli has stepped into the doorway to see us tangled up together.

“Lucky for you Hope, I don’t think we have the receipt anymore. It’s too late to return her now.” Carli jokes, walking back to whatever she was doing.

Hope and I both giggle, knowing that Carli has done everything short of sign adoption papers to let me know that this is permanent. It’s forever.

After a while of distracting Hope enough that she doesn’t think to ask about where we were, I get up and head to my room, needing to take care of a few things. The first is a text to Becky, which is largely a copout. I know that if I call her, she’ll make me talk about things I don’t have any interest in letting drag me down- at least not today. So I sent her an update about my life via text before moving on to text Lindsey. Lindsey’s preferred method of communication is text, so when I ask her what she’s doing for Christmas, she responds right away. She’s going to see her parents, but she’s going to see them from the twenty-seventh through January first instead of being there on Christmas day. Maybe it’s risky, and I probably- no definitely should have asked Hope and Carli first, but I text her back instantly, asking if she wants to come over for Christmas day and spend it with Harley, Hope, Carli, and I. It’s an instantaneous, flat out yes. Which means that I’m screwed.

I race downstairs to ask Hope and Carli if it’s alright if Lindsey is here for Christmas. Hope gives me a flat out no, but Carli says “She wasn’t already planning on coming?” So I get them together to announce that Lindsey Horan will indeed be here on Christmas morning. 

“Is that why you were being so sweet a minute ago? To get me ready to ask if Lindsey could come over for Christmas?” Hope asks, fake, but dramatically hurt.

“No, Mum.” I giggle and say dramatically, matching her tone. “I just told her she could come now. She didn’t have anywhere to go.” I explain.

“Okay, whatever you say.” Hope sighs.

“I think it’s great that Lindsey will be here. I’ll have to figure out what to get her.” Carli says.

“Thanks Mom.” Is all I say before hugging them each and returning to my room, looking for gift ideas for the three of them, wanting to go a little overboard on our first Christmas together.

Harley must think I’m crazy. From the pacing, to the mumbling under my breath, to sitting back down to my laptop to look at things that will arrive by the twenty-fifth. Nevertheless, she sits on my bed, and tilts her head at me when I ask her questions that she’ll never be able to respond to. 

Once I’ve spent a good amount of the paycheck that I got from Nike after doing the photoshoot in California, I wander downstairs to find that Carli is gone and Hope is watching soccer on TV. I sit with her for a second before asking about the whereabouts of my other Mother.

“She’s out training.” Hope informs me, not bothering to peel her eyes from what’s happening on the pitch. 

“Mum?” I ask, getting Hope to turn her head and look at me.

“Yeah kid?” She asks, slightly concerned.

“Will you go train with me?” I ask.

“I’m really tired from my run this morning, but I’ll go train you. How does that sound?” Hope asks, already turning off the TV.

Part of me just hopes that she’s a little nicer to me than she is to her own Academy team. Lucky for me, she really is. With every first touch where the ball rolls even more than a centimeter away from where it’s supposed to land, Hope claps and says “you’ll get it next time” instead of “what the hell kid.” It’s almost funny. She yells more at high school kids than she does at National team players. Or maybe it’s just a perk of being her kid. 

We train for an hour and a half, before she insists that I take some shots on goal, just so that she can make sure that “she’s still got it” before we cool down with a short run. Hope even gets her hair stuck in a tree branch that was hanging low. I laughed a little bit at the start, but she shot me a look that told me if I didn’t stop, I’d run the risk of having to sleep on the curb tonight. We stretched when we got back, and I pushed her over, which she then proceeded to call a nutmeg challenge for. I have a feeling that whatever is about to happen with that will be interesting. Training with her was fun. It’s not like I haven’t been doing this most days, I have, it’s just nice to do it with my Mum for a change. 

Once we got home and showered, Carli was already back and making dinner. Salmon was in the oven, and broccoli was on the stove. I did the dishes after we were done eating. Hope’s contribution was that she thoroughly enjoyed the meal. She’s not really a slacker. She cleans sometimes. She’s just a goofball who Carli has to push around sometimes in order to get her to do things. I’ve also learned that Carli doesn’t let anyone in her kitchen while she cooks. At least not to cook. You can do dishes, or help set things out, but you can’t cook, that’s Carli’s thing. Truth be told, I just enjoy being well fed. 

The night ends peacefully. The three of us take Harley around the block just for kicks before saying goodnight, refusing to let our goodnight routine miss a night. After that, I curl up in bed with Harley, and fall asleep peacefully, sleeping all the way through the night.


	61. Chapter 61

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry updates are so sparse. As I adjust to college they should even out. Enjoy this fluff because things will start to get heavy after this (with a lot of added love, don’t worry.)

There’s a beeping sound but it’s faint. Quite honestly, I’m in two worlds at once as I start to wake up, separating dreamland from my room around me. I woke up to use the bathroom, nothing more than that. However, apparently one doesn’t just ‘wake up’ to only use the bathroom on Christmas morning. Apparently my sleepy footsteps can be heard from the other bedroom, waking up both Carli and Hope who were anxious for today’s arrival. Even Lindsey is here, sleeping in a guest room somewhere after Carli insisted she not drive home in the dark while it was snowing.

“T? Little love is that you?” Carli asks, poking her head out from her room.

I nod, rubbing at my eyes.

“Okay. Just give me one minute, and I’ll get everything ready, alright?” Carli insists, bolting down the stairs.

“I just wanted to-” I say, trailing off while pointing lazily towards the bathroom, my efforts to go back to sleep being a lost cause. 

So I go to the bathroom while I have the chance, before I walk back out into the hallway, unsure of what to do with myself. Harley ran downstairs to be let out, which Carli will take care of. That leaves my door, Hope’s door, or whichever door Lindsey is behind, if I can even remember which one that is. Seeing that Hope’s door is the closest, I choose that one.

I brush it open gently, seeing Hope sitting up on her bed, clearly only halfway awake. She smiles when she sees me. I smile back as I hurry to sit down next to her, snuggling into her side.

“Merry Christmas kiddo.” Hope says, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“Merry Christmas Mum.” I reply, yawning in the middle.

“Someone’s sleepy huh? Not ready for breakfast or gifts then?” Hope teases, starting to perk up a bit.

I don’t even have time to get uncomfortable before Carli rushes in, informing us that things will be ready soon. All we have to do is wake up and head downstairs. 

“Lindsey?” I ask.

“I was going to go wake her up, but you can do it if you want to love.” Carli says, turning to head downstairs again when I nod, indicating that I’ll wake her up.

The first door that I open looking for Lindsey ends up being the wrong one. I wasn’t sure where Carli put her, but it apparently wasn’t in the guest room closest to mine. When I open the second door, my heart swells a little bit at the sight. Lindsey curled herself around a pillow, holding it as if it were a person. She looks peaceful curled up, her blanket all the way up to her neck. I stand in the doorway for just a second, taking in how sweet the sight is, just long enough to appreciate it, but not long enough for it to be creepy.

“Linds?” I ask, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

She squeezes her eyes shut tighter.

“Lindsey, Babe, it’s time to wake up.” I tell her.

“I don’ wan this. I wan you.” Lindsey mumbles sleepily, casting aside the pillow she was spooning and grabbing me, once she recognizes the situation she’s in. I giggle, lightly protesting before laying down with her, allowing myself to be spooned.

“My Mom is going to be mad if she finds out I came in here to wake you up and ended up in bed.” I say.

“I’m going to be mad if your Mom tries to drag me out of bed before six in the morning on Christmas day.” Lindsey counters. “Merry Christmas by the way baby.” Lindsey mumbles unintelligibly into my neck. I roll my eyes at my sleepy girlfriend, before nuzzling in, appeasing her wishes.

Two minutes. It takes all of two minutes before Lindsey and I are huddled together in a twin sized bed on Christmas morning, fast asleep. We’re allowed to sleep while Carli prepares whatever it is she’s preparing, and Hope is off getting ready to do what she does next. 

Hope wraps her knuckles lightly on the door, and when she gets no response, she very slowly, opens the door, apprehensive of what she might find. When it’s open far enough to see what’s really going on, Hope practically melts into the floor, not that she’ll ever admit it aloud. She pulls out her phone to take a quick picture, before racing down the stairs to grab her soon to be wife, wanting to share the moment.

“Carli, come see our baby and her girlfriend.” Hope says, nuzzling into her own fiance’s neck.

“They’d better be awake.” Carli says, her tone demanding the respect for the breakfast she’s currently making, and all of the presents she’s wrapped.

“So… You wouldn’t want to see if they were asleep curled up together…?” Hope asks gently, hoping that she gets a little leeway for not doing her job on Christmas morning.

“This better be cute.” Carli says, turning to kiss the tip of Hope’s nose, causing her to scrunch up her face, before following her up the stairs.

Carli steps into the doorway, peeking around the opened doorway at the way that Lindsey’s arm is wrapped lazily around me, her body forming a protective shield around me as well. Hope wraps her arms around Carli from behind, taking a moment to just enjoy the sight. After an acceptable amount of time, Carli steps forward, doing the job that Hope was too innocent to do.

“Hey my loves. Can you wake up?” Carli starts, putting her hand on Lindsey’s shoulder. “It’s Christmas!” She reminds us, her eyes lighting up.

Lindsey groans and rolls over, swatting a hand at Carli. I, on the other hand, feel my eyes slowly open to see both of my Moms’ standing there, which is slightly odd, but not unwelcome.

“Hey little love.” Carli says, smiling gently.

“If you wake up there’s pancakes.” Hope tries from the doorway, seeing if the promise of food means anything to Lindsey.

Lindsey rubs at her eyes before sitting up, looking to me for confirmation that I’m ready to get up. 

“Sleepy?” Is all I ask.

Lindsey flops back down on the bed.

“Lindsey, no.” Carli whines, having just gotten this far.

“Okay, well then how about this. There’s both presents and pancakes downstairs.” Hope offers from the doorway.

I know that Lindsey’s faking because she opens one eye, supposedly checking to see if Hope’s offer holds any truth. I nod at her, making sure it’s visible to her through her one open eye. She sits back up and throws her legs over the bed, resting her head on my shoulder. Dramatic as she may be, I do wholeheartedly love this girl.

“Lindsey you’re a pain in the ass sometimes, you know that?” Hope says in the doorway before heading for the stairs.

The four of us are downstairs at the table within a few minutes. Lindsey and I want to be lazier than Carli would like for us to be, and Hope is just trying to appease Carli, who clearly has a schedule for the day. The one thing that makes us want to appease said schedule, is that Carli made real food for once. There’s chocolate chips in the pancakes, and the eggs have cream in them. I didn’t even know that Carli knew what Chocolate chips were. It really must be Christmas.

I got chocolate on my face. If Lindsey and I hadn’t established ourselves already, this might have been embarrassing. However, this wasn’t the embarrassing part. The embarrassing part was that when Lindsey’s hand raised to help me get the chocolate off of my face, Hope swatted it away before doing it herself.

After I’ve inhaled at least four pancakes, Carli seems eager to get the three of us under the tree. Well, Hope is allowed to sit on the couch, but Lindsey and I have to sit on the floor for gifts apparently. Even Harley has trotted over, and has now found a home in Lindsey’s lap. Carli slides a present Lindsey’s way, and Lindsey starts tearing at the paper, only to be confused to find a package of tennis balls.

“It’s for Harley.” Carli explains, causing Lindsey to blush a shade of red that says just how embarrassed she is.

I try to slide Hope one of my gifts for her, but Carli blocks it, apparently with a plan in mind for how this will work. Carli proceeds to have Lindsey open up all of Harley’s gifts, which are either treats or toys, which she is absolutely thrilled to have. She has a hard time deciding which toy to chase considering how many are in the room right now, but in the end, she always goes for her brand new soccer ball that Carli got her. 

After Harley is done, Hope, Lindsey, and Carli all agree to take turns opening their gifts for each other and my gifts for them.

“Is there a reason that I’ve been left out of this?” I ask.

“Because you’re our baby, and it’s your first Christmas, you go last.” Carli explains, starting to open up her first gift from me. She was in a light and joking mood, really she was. However, once she had gotten all of the paper off of the frame, and seen the print of the constellations above New York the night that I came to live with her, her eyes got a little glassy. “Honey.” Is all she chokes out. 

“Kiddo, it’s sweet, but you’re going to kill your Mother.” Hope says, looking at the print that Carli is hugging to her chest.

“No. I love it.” Carli says, only a little emotional now. “Okay, okay. It’s someone else’s turn. Lindsey, why don’t you open one of the ones from us?” Carli asks, wiping furiously at her eyes.

Lindsey hesitantly grabs a box at the edge of the tree that Carli nods in approval of. She starts to unwrap it to find a Messi jersey for this coming season. She and I are in agreement that he’s the goat. 

“That one’s from me.” Hope adds shyly.

“Thank you Hope.” Lindsey says, enjoying the fact that Hope is blushing about having gotten her a gift that she actually put some thought into.

I was ready to hand Hope the box that contained the Jersey that was a combination of Carli and my name and numbers, however, she’s being dragged to the backyard by Carli, who clearly can’t wait to show her the greatest gift she’ll get this morning. 

“Hope, you remember where you asked me to be your girlfriend?” Carli asks, standing outside on the deck in nothing but sweatpants and a tee shirt despite the fact that it’s only twenty degrees outside. Hope nods, unsure where this is going. Carli holds up a picture of the bench and lamp post, showing her where it will go in the yard. “Construction starts next week.” She smiles, a bit giddy.

Lindsey and I turn to go back inside, not needing to see my Moms’ kiss for that long. They’re sweet, but they’re still gross sometimes. 

The rest of their gifts take about forty five minutes. Hope insists on wearing the jersey I custom ordered for her over her sweatshirt, and Lindsey is doing the same with her Messi jersey. Lindsey got Carli a subscription to a protein powder of the month club, which is something that I didn’t even know existed up until now. Carli got Lindsey a brand new duffle bag, which is something that she needs, but will refuse to use. Her old one is tearing at the seams, but she’s been using it since she was sixteen, and just can’t seem to let it go. Nevertheless, she smiles, and thanks Carli for it, promising that she’ll use it, even though I know she won’t. I playfully nudge her, knowing that she’s just lied to my Mom. 

“Alright kiddo. It’s your turn.” Hope starts.

“It’s your first Christmas with us.” Carli interjects before trailing off. “Sorry if we went a little overboard.” 

I hadn’t even looked at the tree to see that at least half of the gifts were still there. I guess I had assumed it would have been split more evenly. My cheeks flush bright pink as I feel everyone watching me, and I clamp up, not quite sure of what to do. 

“Here, how about this one.” Lindsey offers, knowing that I don’t really know how to be a kid on Christmas morning. She hands me a little bag from the back.

I pull out the tissue paper carefully, much to Hope’s disappointment. When I find a Barcelona shirt, having been successfully converted by Lindsey, I start thanking my Moms’ profusely, but they’re not ready for that. There are more gifts under the tree and I’m apparently the only one to open them. So Lindsey slides me another. A new pair of running shoes that have been customized. They have my number on the back. I smile smugly at Carli, knowing that she took the idea I gave her to use for a gift for Hope, and instead got them for me. Before I have time to thank them again, Lindsey slides me another gift, having figured out the formula as to how to make this all work. If she gives me a gift to open before I have time to thank anyone, then I can’t thank anyone until all of the gifts are gone. 

There are clothes, and gift cards, and things that I needed but haven’t bought yet. There are new records and books, even posters for my room. Carli and Hope seemingly tried to fit eighteen Christmases into one. Once almost all of the gifts are gone, Carli points to three boxes in the back.

“Those are the last three from us. Linds, you want to do us the honor?” Carli asks, having Lindsey help me out by sliding them to me. 

The first box is wrapped in grey paper with white glitter. I open it before sliding the lid off of the box, to find four plane tickets, each to England.

“We figured that after Canada, you might want to see another country before coming back to represent your own.” Hope says, talking about preseason.

I vaguely point to Lindsey, silently asking if the fourth ticket is for her.

“We figured you might want to bring her.” Carli says, smiling and taking a sip of water.

“Well now I feel like I should be the one saying thank you.” Lindsey giggles.

“Moms’.” I say, unsure of how I’m supposed to accept this.

“Open the next one.” Hope says.

Lindsey complies, sliding me a bright green box that I take the paper off of carefully. I lift the lid slowly off of the box as if I’m scared of what might be inside. I only really need to look for fifteen seconds or so before I have a grasp of what it is. It’s Hope and Carli’s wedding invitation.

“You would be getting one anyways, but we wanted you to see it first.” Carli says nervously from the couch. Lindsey moves in to see it too, moving her hand to her chest once she sees how sweet it is.

“Flip it over.” Hope adds.

There’s a small jewelry box, but I pay no attention to that, as I’m looking at the back of the wedding invitation that’s been written on. In big letters it says “Be our maid of honor?” To which I start nodding my head and getting a little teary. 

“Hey, come on little love! No tears, this is a happy thing! You didn’t even see what was in the little box.” Carli says.

It’s a necklace. A silver one with a clear pendant. I naturally assume it’s for the wedding, so all I do is open the box, gasp a little, look at Carli and Hope in shock, and close the box again. I’m so happy for them. 

“Alright, alright. C’mon, last gift from us before there are just a couple more, alright?” Hope asks, knowing that if she doesn’t diffuse this, I might cry a little and then need a nap. 

I nod, and let Lindsey hand me their last gift, a white box that hasn’t been wrapped. I pop the lid off to reveal a Chicago Red Stars jersey. I get up to go sit with my Moms’ to say thank you, but Carli holds a hand up before I can even stand up.

“Look at the back.” She says.

It’s a Lloyd jersey. It’s a Carli Lloyd Chicago Red Stars jersey. I raise an eyebrow, now confused as to what this gift is supposed to mean. 

“Would you fill the poor girl in already? Geez Carli.” Hope laughs. “You’re not going to Chicago alone. Your Mom has been asking for a trade, and it’s almost done. You and your Mom are going to be playing on the same team this season.” Hope says, filling me in.

“The Thorns are going to demolish you both.” Lindsey says quietly. I quickly shove her over before practically launching myself onto the couch to thank my Moms’.

I’m sitting in a room surrounded by materialistic things, but nothing means more to me than knowing that I won’t be all alone in Chicago. Nothing means anything when I’m surrounded by the three of them. 

“Um. Babe?” Lindsey asks, interrupting my moment with my Moms’. I turn my head to look at her, seeing what she wants. She looks nervous all of the sudden. “Will you open my gift?” She asks, fidgeting with her hands.

“Of course.” I tell her, letting her hand me a Christmas themed bag. 

It’s a ring. No, I’m kidding, it’s not a ring, but it is sweet though. It’s a burrito blanket. At first, I had no idea why I unwrapped something that I was then supposed to wrap myself up in, and then I remembered the very first time we ever spent time together. We got burritos, and the sweet little gift made my heart swell up. 

“There’s one more, but it’s not from any of us.” Carli says, getting up from off of the couch and heading towards the closet. “Becky made me promise to give this to you at Christmas.” Carli says, bringing back a dusty wrapped gift. 

Knowing Becky, I can predict exactly what this will be before I even open it. Books, and good ones too. Tearing the paper off, I found two books, both copies of novels that I’ve never read before. I make a note to call her to thank her before I start reading them.

After that, the day goes by fairly slowly. We lounge around on the couch watching movies that we’ve all seen before. We take naps periodically, feeling tired from waking up early. For dinner, we order Chinese food, with even Carli feeling too lazy to cook. I don’t blame her, today should be a lazy day.

Before bed, Lindsey decides that she’ll take Harley for a walk, as her contribution for being allowed to stay. Carli doesn’t appreciate it when I make a joke implying that they let people stay here for free. However, I wander upstairs to wash my face, just like I always do. However, when I come back down to say goodnight to Hope and Carli while I wait for Lindsey, there's a stuffed toy bunny under the tree. I look at it, and I leave it there, and I go to find either Carli or Hope, running into Hope first. I motion for her to follow me to a point where she can at least see the bunny, before questioning it.

“Would you know anything about this?” I ask.

“Santa must have brought it.” Hope shrugs, implying that she knows nothing.

Right on cue Lindsey walks through the door with Harley, which gives me a brilliant idea. 

“Maybe Santa brought it for Lindsey.” I say smugly.

“Maybe there’s a tag.” Hope says before walking away.

Tied around the right ear is a tag that reads “To: Tierna, From: Santa.” I pick up the bunny, thinking that I’ll likely just donate it. Although it is pretty soft.. Maybe I’ll keep it.

“Damnit Hope.” I say, expressing my confliction.

“You mean Santa?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there are a lot of transfer rumors out there. The only place where Carli Lloyd will ever be playing for the Red Stars is in this story, and my dreams - sincerely, a Chicagoan


	62. Chapter 62

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This IS a chapter. Hope it’s alright. Let me know if you’ve got any ideas as per usual.

January second doesn’t feel scary. Why, exactly? Because the way I’ve chosen to cope with the days to come, is by pretending that they won’t happen. It just seems easier to pretend that when Lindsey is done visiting her parents, that she’ll get on a flight back to New York instead of a flight to Canada, or that at least six of my teammates will be flying out to speak to my lawyer in advance. Sometimes the best way to deal with things is to not deal with them at all. Right?

With Lindsey gone, I sit in my room just to get checked on by either Hope or Carli every fifteen minutes. Both of them seem to have a problem with showing up empty handed. The first time Carli showed up, she brought me some cut up fruit. The second time she showed up, she brought Harley a toy. The first time Hope showed up, she brought a soccer ball and just gently nudged it into my room. She was not pleased when all I did was use the outside of my foot to nudge it back.

“Not even a quick juggle?” She asks.

“Not even a quick juggle.” I inform her from my bed, after letting the foot that was dangling pass it back.

She sighs and leaves, but Hope is nothing if she’s not persistent. The second time she came back, barely even fifteen minutes later, she came bearing her laptop. She made Carli call Harley downstairs, and she didn’t even say any vocal words to me before physically moving me over to the side of my bed to make space for herself. All I do is give her some side eye, but she’s too preoccupied with setting up a movie on Netflix. I sigh loudly, trying to indicate my discomfort.

“You wouldn’t come to us, so I came to you.” Hope explains.

I should have known that much. This is the part of being cared about that’s hard: being cared about when you don’t want to be. It’s easy to be cared about when all you want is arms to fall into. But when you’re tired? And you can’t explain why you feel the way you feel? That’s when it gets hard. Hope being next to me, respecting the fact that I don’t want to be touched right now is just making it harder. I can’t grasp what she wants from me. Kids are happy. They cuddle, and they watch movies with their parents. They don’t make their parents work this hard to care about them.

“You’re thinking too hard.” Hope whispers, apparently also not paying attention to whatever’s playing right now.

“Sorry.”

“Kiddo, don’t be sorry. Just tell me what’s on your mind.” Hope replies, turning the volume of the movie down a few clicks. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Is the bullshit excuse that I give.

“I’ll let you get away with that for now, but eventually we’re going to talk about this, okay?” Hope asks.

“Okay Mum.” I say, tensely, and robotically laying my head down onto her shoulder. 

At this, Hope just pauses the movie, my action more important that any plot line Netflix has to offer right now.

“Love, can I ask you something?” Hope asks, her eyebrows narrowed, which is never a good sign for me.

I nod a little, giving her my full attention.

“Did you want to lay your head down just now, or did you do it because you thought that I would want it?” Hope asks.

My cheeks turn a shade of bright pink, and I’m too embarrassed for words, so all I do is bury my face on the edge of the bed and Hope that she doesn’t notice. 

“Kiddo, you don’t have to be embarrassed.” Hope encourages, getting slightly closer, just not close enough to freak me out.

I turn my head to the side, just so that I can see her out of the corner of my eyes. She brushes the hair out of my face, which allows me to see just how worried she really is. I don’t know whether I want to cuddle into her, or cry and tell her to leave, but I know that I want whatever this situation is, to be over.

“I don’t know.” I say, hoping that will be enough to get us back to the movie.

“You don’t know, or you don’t want to tell me?” Hope asks.

I bury my face in the bed again.

“Can you tell me why you don’t want to tell me?” Hope asks gently.

I shake my head no. Hope pauses, taking a minute to feel the situation out.

“Is this about the trial?” She asks.

I nod my head, feeling tears well up in my eyes.

“Sweet girl. It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling about that. Your Mom and I are here to take care of you, whether or not that involves physical contact. You just have to let us know what you need from us, okay? I’m just as happy to sit next to you and watch a movie, as I am to cuddle up with you. It’s not your job to worry about me, it’s my job to worry about you.” Hope insists.

“Mum?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want to drag everybody down.” I admit at a level that’s barely audible.

“What do you mean kiddo?” Hope asks, her eyes narrowing as if she can’t tell whether she wants to wrap me up, or fight everyone who’s made me feel this way.

“There’s still one more club game before we go, and I’m already barely functioning. How am I supposed to coach them like this? An-and, and the team? What about everyone who’s giving up two of their last weeks of the offseason to come to Canada just to be my witnesses. And you and Mom? And what about Lindsey? I’m just dragging all of these people down!” I say, having gotten up to pace around. 

“Love.” Hope says, gesturing for me to come sit down on the bed, not necessarily next to her, just to sit down so that I can calm down.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me Mum.”

“Kiddo, not a single thing is wrong with you. Something awful happened to you, and you’re not the one responsible, nor is Lindsey, or me or your Mom, or any of your teammates, or your kids, the only person responsible is him. Do you hear me? You aren’t dragging a single person down. Everyone is choosing to stand in solidarity with you, because they want to. Not because they have to. Everyone is coming together for you because we all love you.” Hope assures.

“Mum?”

“Yeah”

“Can I sit with you?” I whisper, my feet shuffling on the floor beneath me,

“Only if you actually want to. Do you really want to sit with me, or do you think that I want you to sit with me?” Hope asks, needing the clarification.

“I want to..” I whisper again, this time barely audibly. 

Hope pulls me into her lap, planting a line of kisses along my forehead. I can tell that she’s feeling nervous about the weeks to come too, because she holds me just a little tighter than she usually does, with her arms wrapping around my collar bones. It feels nice, grounding almost. The rest of the movie plays with no interruptions from either of us, although I’m not sure that either of us are paying attention. Hope seems to be paying most of her attention to me, and I don’t have any attention to pay to anything. 

As the credits roll, Hope lets me go and rolls over onto her side. Instead of getting up like a normal person, she screams for her fiance, not once, not twice, but as many times as it takes until Carli is reluctantly standing in my doorway.

“Tell our baby we love her.” Hope insists, looking at Carli.

“What’s with the pet names? You’re usually not even one for names with her.” Carli giggles.

“Kid and Kiddo are pet names!” Hope insists, feigning both shock and hurt. “Are you not going to tell her you love her?” Hope asks again, the shock still remaining.

“Little love, I love you so much, that sometimes, I wonder how I have room to love anything else.” Carli says, the dramatics being largely for Hope. “Now can someone tell me why I’m telling Tierna why I love her so much? Which I of course do.” Carli says, winking for effect.

“She’s feeling nervous about the trial and everyone involved.” Hope says, effectively ratting me out to my other mother.

“Mum!” I whine, burying my face in the bed.

“Little love is that true?” Carli asks, pushing Hope out of the way to get to me. Hope gets a look of shock on her face yet again before moving on to nod, informing Carli that it is. “Sweet girl, everyone who’s going to be at the trial, is going to be there because they love you. It’s perfectly normal to be nervous about the trial. It’s normal to be scared shitless about the trial. I know that I am. But you have no reason to worry about any of the people that have your back, because they do. They have your back.” Carli insists.

“Okay.” Is all I reply, wanting nothing more than for all of this to be over, and nothing more than just a bad dream.

“I know that Lindsey is in Colorado with her parents right now, but what do you say we have a night in together?” Hope suggests. “I guess just with your Moms’. Unless you want to invite Allie.” She adds, shrugging at her own mention of Allie, silently crossing her fingers and hoping that I don’t ask for Allie to come over. 

“Just us?” I ask, appeasing Hope.

“Just us.” Hope replies.

“Are you two going to force me to order a pizza again?” Carli asks.

Hope and I look at each other instantaneously, Hope meeting my eyes with a devilish grin.

“Yes.” We say synonymously.

Carli groans before leaving the room, presumably to make the call. Hope follows soon after, leaving me alone in my room with Harley laying in a ball at the head of my bed. It only takes thirty seconds for Hope to pop back in with a handful of bottles of nailpolish, telling me to head downstairs. I reluctantly follow her down, knowing what tonight entails. 

Two slices of pizza, light purple nails, because according to Carli, grey is too “boring,” and a couple of episodes of a nineties show that Carli likes. That’s what my night entailed. Resting. Preparing for the days to follow, and whatever they may entail.


	63. Chapter 63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry that it’s taken this long to get you guys an update, but what I’m even more sorry about, is that I can’t promise regular updates until Thanksgiving. For those of you who know, this year I’m a freshman in college, which is mostly great. Except for the fact that I’m being stalked. I have a no contact order from the school, but he’s been breaking it, so I might soon be going to the police to get a restraining order. This isn’t what I had in mind for my freshman year of college, but I also didn’t plan on there being a pandemic. I just wanted to explain my absence from the writing scene. I hope you guys enjoy this little chapter, and please, please, please, vote blue tomorrow if you haven’t already voted.

I’m not even all the way off of the plane before my stomach turns. I guess the air inside the plane is American air, if that’s even a thing. But there’s something about knowing that once my feet touch the ground, I’m on Canadian soil. So I swallow the lump in the back of my throat, and I just keep moving, trying to make it to the next place. I have a Mom on each side of me, each of them knowing just how difficult every step of this trip is going to be.

I didn’t even really show up for the last game of the academy season. I was there. But something was wrong with Hannah, and I didn’t have it in me to check on her. So I just reminded her that she has my number, and that if she ever needs anything, I’m never too far away, even though right now I’m in a whole nother country. It felt pathetic. Like a pyrrhic victory. I do my best to shove it to the back of my brain while I shuffle towards customs. 

It takes an hour before I’m laying down in a bed that’s not mine. Carli and Hope can sense the growing distress within me because they’ve insisted on doing almost everything for me. Carli carried my bags up, Hope held my hand while Carli checked us into the hotel, and now they’re both watching me carefully while settling the three of us into the room.

There’s space for the three of us in this room, but Carli also booked a double for Lindsey “just in case” I wanted to stay with her once I got here. Lindsey’s here, but I don’t have it in me to go see her in her hotel room yet. However, I guess that’s where my Moms’ come in. There’s a knock at the door, and they both look at each other in a way that lets me know that they’ve done something that they’re very proud of themselves for. All I do is lift my head, letting my Moms’ know that I’m not going to be the one to get up to answer the door. Hope raises an eyebrow at me before opening the door to reveal Lindsey standing there. She pokes her head in, looking to one side before spotting me on the other. 

“Hi Baby.” She says softly, walking towards me before sitting down next to me on the bed. “Rough day?” she asks.

I nod at her, getting teary.

“I know you want to be held, but do you want me to hold you, or do you want one of your Moms’ to hold you?” Lindsey asks gently, recognizing the whirlwind of emotions that’s going through my head right now.

“I want you.” I whisper in a tone that’s barely audible.

Lindsey starts to pull back to covers, but once she sees me start to hesitate, she puts it down and sits up again.

“Tierna honey, do you want me to take you up to my room?” Lindsey asks, sensing my hesitation to cuddle with her in front of my Moms’. 

I nod emphatically.

Lindsey reaches down to scoop me up, but stops just before making contact, leaving me slightly disappointed.

“Can I pick you up?” She asks, getting a nod from me.

This time, Lindsey picks me up bridal style before flipping me around to carry me like a toddler up to her hotel room. I can tell that she mouths some words to my Moms’ before we leave, but all I do is wave goodbye to them while I nuzzle as far as I can into Lindsey, wanting to get impossibly closer. 

Lindsey carries me up to her hotel room, and all I can do is be thankful that no one is around to see it. She’s running her hands through my hair, trying to offer me any comfort that she can. Once we make it to her door, she shocks me with the fact that she has the strength to hold me with just one arm, and unlocks the door with the other. She then carries me to the bed, laying me down gently and climbing in behind me to be my big spoon.

That only lasts for about thirty seconds before I turn to face her, wanting to see her face. All she does is kiss my forehead and mutter a low “Hi Baby” and the dam breaks. 

“Oh love. It’s going to be okay.” Lindsey says, wiping tears away as they fall.

“Lin-Linds wha- what if, what if everyone comes to testify and he still walks free?” I ask, having a hard time getting my words out.

“Honey, I don’t know whether this is going to make you feel better or worse. But if Kelley O’hara finds out both what he looks like, and that he’s walking free in this world, I’d be willing to bet my life savings that she’d commit a homicide.” Lindsey says, brushing a damp piece of hair off of my face.

“B-but I don’t w-want anyone to have to worry about trying to take care of me.” I cry, burying my face in Lindsey’s shoulder.

“Love, you’re a part of a team.” Lindsey says, almost getting emotional herself. “Can you look at me for a minute?” She asks.

I hesitate, but when she uses a finger to lift my head, and then places a hand on each side of my head, and offers me the most reassurance I think I’ve ever gotten all within the look on her face, I calm down a bit.

“You’re a part of a team, and teams love each other through things. Okay?” Lindsey says. “When I first joined the team, I was really struggling with coming out, and Tobin would hold me after I would get upset when people would say homophobic things at games, and Ali and Ashlyn would restrain Kelley from getting in fist fights with those people.” Lindsey recalls. “I know this is different. I know this is harder. But every single person on our team wants to love you through this. You just have to let them. Okay?” Lindsey asks, kissing my forehead for good measure.

‘I don’t really know how to let people love me unless I really can’t stop it from happening.” I admit, thinking about all of the people I’ve pushed away over the years.

“I know Babe. But the nice thing about that, is that the people on this team won’t ever stop trying to support you, and eventually, one day you’ll let them help you. No matter how long that takes.” Lindsey insists.

“They’re already doing so much for me.” I whisper quietly, the tears no longer flowing, but the thoughts racing as fast as they go.

“I’m going to say something, and you’re not going to like it, but I’m going to say it anyways. Okay?” Lindsey asks, waiting for approval.

“Okay.” I reply skittishly.

“You are deserving of love. You are deserving of as much love as the world can possibly give you. And right now you need love. A lot of it. And that’s okay. It doesn’t have to be Hope, Carli, you, and I against the world. You deserve to have Sonnet tell you jokes to try to cheer you up, or to have Sam bring Wilma over to play with Harley because puppies make you feel better, or to have Abby make you some of her Mom’s soup that she makes when someone gets sick or dumped. I know it’s scary, but if you let them, this team would love you to the moon and back. And I know that it can’t fix anything that’s going on right now, but it also sure as hell wouldn’t hurt.” Lindsey monologues. 

“Okay.” I say.

“Okay?” She asks.

“Okay.” I repeat, nodding my head a little bit to confirm.

Lindsey kisses me quickly, not wanting to overwhelm me in the moment. She pauses for a minute before asking “Love, when’s your next meeting with the lawyers?”

“The first one of this trip is tomorrow. Allie’s supposed to be here for that one.” I tell her.

“Who do you want to go?” Lindsey asks sheepishly.

“What do you mean?” I ask, confused.

“Who do you want to go with you?” Lindsey asks, clarifying the meaning behind her question.

“Carli, Hope, and Allie will definitely be there, but I think that’s it. Why?” I ask.

“I can go if you want me to.” Lindsey suggests quietly.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” I say, not wanting Lindsey to feel like she has to feel pressured into anything.

“But you want me to?” She asks, looking hopeful.

“Linds, if you want to come, then I want you to be there. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything for me.” I tell her. 

“Honey, what did we just talk about.” Lindsey laughs. “Let me love you through this. I’ll be there to just sit quietly, or hold your hand, or whatever you want. Okay? I’ll be here for as long as you want me.” Lindsey says, kissing the tip of my nose.

“Lindsey?” I ask quietly after a few minutes have gone by.

“Yeah love?”

“Why do you think this happened to me?” I ask.

“You know Love,” Lindsey says, taking a deep breath. “I think about that all the time. But the thing is, I can’t ever find an answer, and it’s because there isn’t one. No matter what you feel like you may have done to deserve this, because I know that you do, you don’t. There’s nothing you could have done to warrant this, much less anything that you have done to warrant this. The world is just a place where sometimes bad things happen to good people, and you happened to get the brunt of that. But Baby can you promise me something?” Lindsey finally asks.

I look up at her with intrigue.

“Can you promise me that no matter what happens in any of the meetings with the lawyers, or no matter what his lawyers say, and no matter the outcome of the trial, that you know this isn’t your fault and that you didn’t deserve it?” Lindsey asks.

“I-I” my voice shakes, “I don’t know that I can.” I admit, looking down.

“Then I’ll keep reminding you until you believe me.” Lindsey promises.

“Lindsey?” I ask, rubbing at my eyes.

“Yeah honey?” She replies.

“I’m really sleepy.” I tell her.

“You want me to take you back downstairs to your Moms’ room so you can go to bed?” Lindsey asks.

I shake my head no.

“You want me to hold you while you fall asleep?” Lindsey asks, a smile forming at the corners of her mouth.

I nod my head.

“Alright, let me just text your Moms’ to let them know that you’re staying with me tonight.” Lindsey says, grabbing her phone. 

I whine a little at the loss of contact, but once she puts her phone down, she opens up her arms for me to crawl into, letting me adjust myself however I’d like. I close my eyes, finally feeling safe enough to do so.

“Goodnight Love. I won’t let anything hurt you.”


	64. Chapter 64

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s been so long! Enjoy a long chapter! Look for more notes at the end of the chapter!

“Tierna? Honey?” Lindsey says, completely unbeknownst to me, still more than halfway asleep. “Babe, I know you don’t want to, but you have to wake up for this meeting. If you don’t wake up soon, you won’t have time to shower beforehand.” Lindsey follows up.

All I can manage to reply with is unhappy grumbles. I can’t see it, but Lindsey secretly finds it adorable and smiles at how lazy I am. It’s the little moments in between the big ones. 

“Really Babe.” Lindsey pushes, sitting down to kiss my temple.

I grab her forearm pulling her closer to me with the hopes that she’ll lay down to cuddle with me, but the great Horan is one step ahead of me, and instead scoops me up, blankets and all, right out of bed. She doesn’t take me anywhere, she just picks me up, holds me, and presses a kiss to my forehead before setting me back down, but this time so that I’m sitting up.

“You’re kind of mean, you know that?” I tell her.

“You love it.” Lindsey says, consciously making sure to not say that I love her, not wanting to overwhelm me so early in the morning. I just roll my eyes. 

After a few minutes pass, Lindsey walking around getting ready while I sit hazily waking up on the bed, Lindsey looks at me as if she’s remembered something she had forgotten. 

“Do you want me to carry you up to your Mom’s room for you to get ready?” Lindsey asks.

I hide my face the best I can in the blanket, embarrassed. I was so independent, and now here I am sitting in my girlfriends hotel room, and she doesn’t even think I can make it up to my Mom’s hotel room without being carried.

“Baby? Baby what’s wrong?” Lindsey asks, rushing towards me, sensing that something’s wrong.

All I do is shake my head, not wanting her to hear my voice crack if I end up crying trying to speak.

“Tierna, honey, I know that something’s wrong. Can you tell me what it is?” Lindsey asks, as gently as she possibly can.

“I don-don’t need you.” I say.

The blood runs out of Lindsey’s face. “What does that mean?” She asks dryly.

“No, I don’t mean it like that.” I cry. “I just mean that I don’t need you to do everything for me.” I explain, trying to reaffirm her, while also expressing what’s wrong with the words that I can barely find to do so. 

“Tierna, I want you to know something, okay?” Lindsey says, waiting for some sign that I’m listening to her before she continues. I nod, letting her know that I am in fact paying attention, just a little shaken. “Tierna, I don’t offer to carry you to your room because I don’t think you can walk. I offer to carry you to your room because I know that everything about your life is absolutely draining, and if I can help bear that burden by carrying you places so that you can save your physical energy, then I want to do it. Anything I can do to help bear this burden, I want to do.” Lindsey rambles, getting more intense with every word.

“I can walk.” I repeat.

“Did you hear a word of anything I just said?” Lindsey asks.

“I did, I just miss not needing people. Even though I don’t need you to carry me places.” I admit softly.

“How about this?” Lindsey asks, pausing for a moment. “We can walk up to your Mom’s hotel room, and on the walk up there, we can talk about what I can do that would be more helpful for you, at least for while we’re here in Canada, okay?” Lindsey says, pausing for me to say something. 

Right before I start to object, she cuts me off. “Look, even if we weren’t here doing this, I would still want to help you. That’s just what happens when people get into relationships. They bear burdens together, and they help each other. No matter how big or small the burden. So you’re going to say yes to my suggestion, and that’s what we’re going to do.” Lindsey says, this time reaching for her jacket, keys and wallet, shoving them into her pocket before reaching for my hand.

She’s barely opened the door before she’s asking me about what she can do to help me get through the trial. I don’t really know what to tell her, I wish I knew what would help, but I don’t.

All the sudden we’re standing in front of my Mom’s door, and I don’t know exactly what I want from Lindsey, but I have words. 

“Lindsey, can you just love me through this?” I ask her.

Lindsey looks taken aback. Taken aback in a way that makes me hang my head, making me wish I could eat the words that are hanging in the air between us. 

“Nevermi-” I start to say before Lindsey cuts me off.

“No.” Lindsey says. 

“No?” I ask, my heart sinking.

“No. You don’t get to take that back.” Lindsey says, taking a step forward. “I don’t want you to try to take that back, because it’s all I’ve wanted to do for a really long time, okay? I love you, and I’ll love you through this, no matter what that looks like.” Lindsey promises, bringing her left hand up to my face.

“Would you min- Oh. Hi little love. Hey Lindsey. Do you both want to come in?” Carli asks, having heard us outside the door, interrupting any chance I had to tell Lindsey that I love her too.

“No thanks Lloyd, I just wanted to walk her up. I’ll be ready for the meeting though. Alright, by babe.” Lindsey says, only offering me a goodbye hug in the presence of my Moms’. 

“Bye Linds.” I whisper in her ear, hoping that she can hear the “I love you too.” that I wish I could have said. 

I take a shower, dreading the day ahead of me, before getting dressed in an outfit that looks uncomfortable, but professional. I step out of the bathroom only to receive worried looks from both of my Moms’, which doesn’t exactly ease my nerves, but somehow, it does feel nice to be worried about. 

The cab ride over is quiet. Not because there isn’t anything to say, but because everyone’s too afraid to say it. So instead Hope sits in the backseat with me, holding my hand while I look out the window, and Carli sits up front giving the driver directions. It feels like both a short ride and an eternity, but we eventually end up in front of a gloomy looking law firm.

I thought it was the cab driver who jumped out to open the door for me, but it was Carli. I step out of the car onto the sidewalk just for Carli to grab my hand while Hope pays. 

“Are you ready, little love?” Carli asks, kissing my hair.

All I do to respond is shake my head no.

“We’re gonna be there the whole time. And it’s gonna be okay.” Carli says, sounding like she wants to be sure of herself, but isn’t.

“Lindsey will be here too.” Hope adds, having heard what Carli was trying to say. “You ready to go in now?” She adds.

I’m not, but I nod my head.

I walk through the doors to the lobby, finding an entirely too bubbly receptionist. All I have to do is look up at Hope for her to understand what I need from her. She lets go of my hand to go talk to the receptionist to find out where we’re supposed to be, while I was only a few steps behind her with Carli. Eventually he stands up and asks us to follow him, and while it doesn’t immediately register in my brain, Carli pulls me along. 

I’m not surprised to see lankly lawyers sitting at long tables with papers scattered everywhere. I’m surprised to see Lindsey sitting next to them already, even though we’re already fifteen minutes early. 

“Hi! I’m Kelsey Albright and I’ll be the lead attorney on your case all the way through the trial. That’s Leah, Tom, and Heather. Leah’s another lawyer, and Tom and Heather are paralegal’s assigned to your case.” Kelsey explains, having stood up to greet us. “Please, sit down wherever you’d like. Lindsey here was early, so we’ve been going over a little bit of what she knows. However, today is a fairly easy day in terms of our work together.” Kelsey explains.

“Okay.” Is all I can manage to weakly respond.

“So today I mostly want to gather information for the people who you have coming here to Toronto from your soccer team so that I can schedule meetings with them. I also want to ask a few questions just to see if there are any more people that we could ask to be witnesses who are already here in Toronto. And then lastly I just have a few instructions for you so that you’re prepared for our next meeting. Does that sound alright?” Kesley asks.

“Maybe I could give you contact information for all of the people from our team if that would be helpful?” Lindsey offers shyly, looking back and forth between Kelsey and I. 

“That would be really helpful. Lindsey, do you want to talk to Tom while I ask these three a few more questions?” Kelsey follows up.

There are no replies, Lindsey just follows Tom out of the room while giving me a reassuring look. 

“Alright, while they take care of that, I was wondering if any of you could tell me what the security situation was like on the day that the incident occured?” Kelsey asks.

“Well we’re here aren’t we?” Hope spits out snarkily.

“Hope, babe.” Carli says quietly, reaching for Hopes hand, quietly telling her to cool it. 

“Ms. Solo, I know this whole situation evokes a lot of different emotions, but I can tell you right now that if you can’t handle that question from me, then I can’t let you be a witness due to the questions you’ll be asked during cross examinations. And you were a key witness. Everyone here wants to see the defendant behind bars, and for Tierna to get justice. If I ask a question, it’s because I feel like I have to.” Kelsey explains solemnly.

Hope sits up straight in her chair, avoiding eye contact. “Sorry.” Is all she can manage, but for Hope, that’s a pretty big deal.

“I know there was at least one security guard working at the stadium that day, but there might have been more. I’m not really sure.” Carli adds, answering Kelsey’s original question.

“Thank you. I’ll have my paralegals call the stadium to find out more, and see if we can find names, because those specific individuals may be liable for what happened to you. Would you be interested in prosecuting them personally?” Kelsey asks.

Carli and Hope both look at me. I just shake my head no.

“That’s alright. Are you okay with us calling to find out how many security guards were on duty, who they were, what their job responsibilities were, and if anything fell through the cracks that day? For the sake of the trail?” Kelsey asks.

“That's okay.” I tell her, nodding a little bit.

“Alright. I’ll have Heather get right on that after this meeting. Speaking of which, all we have left to do is for me to tell you what I need for you to have ready for our next meeting together. Do you want to write this down?” Kelsey asks, getting out a piece of paper and a pen to hand to me.

Funnily enough, Carli beat her to it. She pulls her own mini notebook and a pen out of her bag, and signals for Kelsey to start giving us her instructions.

“Alright. Tierna, this is the hard part. I need you to be ready to tell me your story the next time you come in here. The more detailed you can be, the fewer questions I have to ask, although I will be as gentle as I can possibly be in the phrasing of my questions, okay? I know that for some people, it’s helped for them to make a bullet point list to just help them focus, or some women even write out the whole story from start to finish. Maybe you don’t need that, maybe you do, I just need you to be ready to tell me. I’ll also need to hear a few details about your personal life, so that we can present you as a person with a story, and not just a story, when we have our time with the jury. Does that make sense?” Kelsey asks.

“What kinds of personal questions?” I ask shyly.

“Well I’ll want to hear about your relationships with all the witnesses, especially the ones you brought today, along with your role on the soccer team, and just about who you are as a person. Think you can do that?” Kelsey asks, giving me a sad smile.

I just nod miserably.

“Alright, well that’s it for today. I’m willing to bet that Tom is done with Lindsey and he’s just having her wait in the lobby instead of bringing her back in here. Want to go check?” Kelsey asks, standing up to lead us out to the lobby.

The minute we see Lindsey, she stands up worriedly. It’s almost reassuring. Lindsey opens up her arms for me, which I immediately rush into, while Carli schedules our next meeting. 

“Hi baby.” Lindsey whispers into my ear. “I’m so proud of you.”

I just burrow further into her, trying to get impossibly closer. 

“Alright. Are you two going to go back to the hotel together, or Tierna are you coming with us?” Carli asks calmly.

“Is it okay if I go back with Lindsey?” I ask, looking primarily for Hope’s permission.

“Love, I promise, anything you want right now is okay. Alright? We’ll see you later babe.” Hope says, kissing my forehead before stepping out with Carli.

The ride to the hotel doesn’t seem so impossibly long when you’re going towards the hotel and away from the firm versus towards the firm and away from the hotel. Once we’re in Lindsey’s hotel room, I haven’t even gotten my jacket all the way off before she asks me what I need. Somehow I don’t know what to tell her. Something in my face must have changed though, because her face softens, and she takes a few steps towards me, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear before taking off her own jacket.

I sit down on the bed, which lasts for all of thirty seconds. Then I get up and start rummaging through her hotel room, looking for a pen and paper, all of which I haven’t told her. 

“Tierna, love? What are you looking for?” 

“I need paper.” 

“Why?” Lindsey asks, wondering why I’m so frantic.

“I have to write down everything that happened to me. You know, when the team was here.”

“Tierna, I don’t think you have to do that right now.” Lindsey says calmly, placing a hand on my shoulder in an attempt to calm me down.

“Linds, if I don’t do it right now, I won’t do it.”

That’s all Lindsey needed to hear in order to grab me a notebook from her backpack along with a pen that she must have snagged from the law firm today because it has Kelsey’s name on it.

“Can I sit with you while you write it all down?” Lindsey asks lightly.

“You don’t have to.” I say, looking down at my feet.

“I want to.” Lindsey says only after bringing my eyes up to meet hers, letting me know she means it.

“Okay.” I agree.

It starts out slowly. I included the details of the game, largely because I don’t want to think about anything else. After I get into the actual details of it, I tense up. Lindsey knows better than to touch me while I’m like this, but I can feel her looking at me, just wishing there was something she could do to make this better.

Eventually I start feeling my chest tighten, and breathing gets harder. I keep going. That’s when I go back there. Literally. It feels like I’m back in the conference room having my clothes torn off, and I’m too out of it to notice that I’ve dropped my pen, and the notebook has fallen off the bed.

“Babe? Tierna? Tierna, Honey you’re scaring me. What’s going on?” Are all things that Lindsey says, but that I’m too frozen in the past to hear.

“Okay love, I think something’s very wrong right now, and if I have to, I’m going to call your Moms’, but there’s someone else I’m going to call first, Okay?” Lindsey says, all unbeknownst to me.

I stay too frozen, too stuck reliving the same moment over and over again to hear Lindsey get up and open the door, much less hear someone else come in. 

“She’s been like this for about eight minutes now. I didn’t want to call her Moms’ because I knew they’d hate me, but I will if it gets worse.” Lindsey says.

“Okay, Lindsey, the first thing I’m going to need is for you to calm down. She’s not going to be able to calm down until you do. Okay? Now let me try what works for me, but we might have to call her Moms’, okay?” Allie says, looking at Lindsey.

I don’t feel the change in pressure when Allie sits down next to me on the bed, but she does.

“Hey Tierna. Sweetie, it’s Allie. Allie Long. You’re here in Lindsey Horan’s hotel room. No one’s going to hurt you. You’re okay, I promise. Lindsey and I are here with you, and you’re okay.” Allie says, starting to rub my back in circles. 

It takes a few minutes of her repeating roughly those same phrases, but eventually my head snaps up, back into a roughly disoriented reality. I snap my head back and forth trying to figure out what’s going on, to reorient myself. 

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay, you’re okay. It’s me. It’s Allie. Lindsey’s here too. You’re here with me and Lindsey. It’s just us and no one’s going to hurt you. You’re not there, I promise.” Allie reminds me.

That’s all I need to hear to practically launch myself forwards at her. Allie’s a little surprised, but she does a good job of catching me. She lets me continue to breathe rapidly for a minute or two before she starts trying to help me regulate it. All the while, Lindsey sits on the other side of me, rubbing my back. We sit like that for a good fifteen minutes before I feel fully oriented again.

“Allie?” I ask.

“Yeah sweetie?” Allie asks, brushing hair out of my face, still holding me to her chest.

“You're here?” I ask in disbelief.

Allie giggles a little bit before answering my halfhearted question. “I just got here this morning if that's what you’re asking. And if you’re talking about in this room, right now, yes, I am here. Lindsey was worried about you and she called me.” Allie answers.

“I don’t feel good.” I reply, sounding a little younger than I actually am.

“I think you might have just had a flashback. I get them too, and I don’t typically feel good after them either. I’m doing for you what I like having done for me, but if you have the words to tell us what you want, we can do anything you want rookie.” Allie says.

“Becky?” I ask.

Lindsey and Allie both shoot each other a look.

“Becky was on my flight, so we can call her and see if she’s here. We are all in this hotel.” Allie says. “Lindsey, do you want to do that.” Allie says, referring to the fact that she herself still has a lap full of me. 

Lindsey steps away to call Becky, coming back almost instantly to let us know that Becky says I can come hang out with her. 

“Alright, Allie I can make sure she gets up to Becky’s okay. Thank you so much for helping us out.” Lindsey says.

“Wait.” I say, before getting up out of Allie’s lap. “I’m sorry.” I say, embarrassed.

“Sweetie, this is rough. You’re exceeding every expectation, and no one minds helping you out. Especially when it’s this easy. Okay?” Allie says, trying to reaffirm me.

“Okay.” I say shyly, getting up. “Bye Allie.”

“Bye Tierna. I’ll see you soon, okay?” Allie says, pressing a kiss to my hair.

I just nod and watch her leave.

“Alright, you ready to go to Becky’s?” Lindsey asks, almost as soon as Allie’s gone.

I nod again.

“That looked exhausting.” Lindsey starts, clearly trying to find the right words. “I’m not going to judge you, and I wouldn’t mind carrying you down to her room.” 

“At this point, I think I might just be a strength training exercise to you.” I joke dryly, putting on my shoes to walk.

Lindsey holds my hand the whole way down. She lets me knock though. 

“Hi! Lindsey I wasn’t expecting you too, but that’s okay!” Becky says, bubblier than I had remembered her.

“Nope, it’s just her. I just wanted to be sure she made it down here okay.” Lindsey says.

“Alright, well I think I’ve got her.” Becky says, looking at me.

“Actually, Becky, could I have a minute?” Lindsey asks.

“Sure. Tierna, do you want to go inside and pick out a movie?” Becky asks, making it clear that it’s not really an option.

I go inside, knowing full well that they’re talking about me.

“She just calmed down from a flashback. Like just now. You were the first person she asked for.” Lindsey says to Becky.

“Why me? Are Hope and Carli gone? Are you two in a fight?” Becky asks. “I mean, not that I don’t love her. I’m happy to spend time with her, I just don’t get it.”

“You’ll have to ask her. Hope and Carli are here, and everything is fine with us as long as I know. She just wanted you.” Lindsey explains.

“Hmm. Alright, well, thank you Linds. I’ll take care of her until she decides she wants someone else. But right now I think I’m going to go find out why she wants me.” Becky explains.

“Be gentle, she’s had a rough day, and she just now got fully oriented.” Lindsey warns.

“I will, I promise.” Becky says, smiling at Lindsey’s protectiveness.

Becky walks back into the hotel room, finding me with a movie picked out, laying down on her bed. 

“Alright, we can absolutely watch that, but first we have to talk, okay?” Becky says.

I internally groan.

“Why did you want me instead of your Moms’ or Lindsey?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything about the flashback was based off of personal experience. So if that’s not how you experience flashbacks, or how you’ve seen other people experience them, it’s because it’s my personal experience. I hope you enjoyed this chapter:)


	65. Chapter 65

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry, things have been harder than I thought they would be over break and I haven’t been updating as regularly as I thought I would.

“It’s not important.” I say quietly, trying to convince Becky to drop it, hoping she won’t inquire further as to why I wanted her instead of my Moms’ or Lindsey after having a flashback. 

“Rookie, it is important. You’re upset and you didn’t want your Moms’ or your girlfriend, you wanted your co-team captain. And that’s okay, I’m happy to have you here. It’s just that it’s a little odd that you would want me instead of someone you trust a little bit more, yeah?” Becky asks.

I guess I’m out of luck with getting her to drop it. 

“Becky, do we have to talk about this?” I ask, feeling a little shaky.

“I mean, I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. But rookie, I want to make sure that we take care of you, and I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s going on.” Becky says, blurring the lines as to whether that’s a yes or a no.

Something about the sad smile she gives me makes the words start flowing. “Becky, I- I wanted my Moms’, but I’ve never had a flashback before.” I admit.

“I don’t understand.” Becky admits, furrowing her brow. “Can you explain a little bit more?”

“I wanted my Moms’, but I’ve never had a flashback before.” I repeat back, looking for the words to explain exactly what’s going through my head. “It’s never happened before.” I admit, looking down, my face having gone red. “What if it worried them? Or if they got mad?” I tell Becky, looking up to see how she reacts.

Becky wastes no time wrapping her arms around me, seemingly saddened by what I’ve said. She rubs circles on my back and waits a minute before she says anything in response. 

“Honey, your Moms’ love you.” Becky says, backing up only slightly, just to look at me. “They would never, ever be mad at you for something like that. And honey, they’re going to worry about you no matter what happens, but that’s because they love you. They’re your Moms’.”

I just nod.

“I’m going to ask you one more question, and then I’m taking you to your Moms’ room, okay?” Becky asks, getting another nod. “Why not Lindsey?”

“I needed a Mom. Even if it wasn’t one of my Moms’.” I tell her. Completely sure of myself.

Becky looks confused, but she giggles a little bit. “Rookie, you know I don’t have any kids right?” Becky asks, laughing still.

“You can’t buy your cat's pajamas and not call yourself a Mom.” I inform her.

“Alright, fair enough, fair enough. Now let’s get you to your Moms’.” Becky says.

Becky raises a fist to knock on Hope and Carli’s door, but she almost loses her balance when Hope opens the door before she can even knock once. 

“Hey ki-” Hope starts, and then stops abruptly. “Why are you with Becky? Where did Lindsey go? Did something happen? Did Lindsey do something?” Hope asks, escalating already.

“Hope, calm down.” Becky starts, well versed in Hope’s protective rage. “Something happened with Tierna while she was with Lindsey, and she asked for me, but really she wanted you and Carli. She was just too scared to ask for you guys. Okay?” Becky explains.

“What happened?” Hope rages on, not liking being left in the dark.

“Something happened?” Carli asks, walking towards the door from the other room.

“Tierna had a flashback. Lindsey was the one who was with her. She didn’t know what to do, so she called Allie who did. Then they brought her to me, and now she’s here. She wants you. If you’re both calm enough for it. She thought you would be too worried, or that you would be mad at her.” Becky finally explains.

Usually it’s Carli who’s apt for tactile comfort, but today, it’s Hope who lunges through the door to wrap me up. She almost knocks me off my feet. It’s alarming at first. I tense a little, but she’s holding on tighter than she usually does, and it’s enough to make me feel safe enough to relax.

“I think we’ve got her from here. Thanks cap.” Carli says, not wanting to leave Becky hanging.

“Of course. Will you let me know how she’s doing later?” Becky asks, reaffirming that she cares about me, even though she’s passing me off to someone else.

“Of course.” 

With that, the door closes, and Hope picks me up and carries me to the bed, sitting me down to the right of her, Carli sitting down on the other side of me.

“Hi honey.” Carli says, smiling sadly at me while brushing a piece of hair out of my eyes. There’s pity in her voice, and while I crave the empathy, I hate the pity. 

“Hi Mom.”

“Do you want to tell us what happened kid?” Hope asks as gently as she’s capable of.

I shake my head, it being already buried in her neck. I feel her giggle a little bit. I know it’s not the answer she wanted, or expected for that matter, but it’s the answer she’s getting.

“Little love, can you try?” Carli asks, holding back her own giggles.

It takes me a minute to get my thoughts together, my brain still a little fuzzy from earlier, but eventually I lift my head up ready to tell them. 

“I was trying to write out what happened, like she asked me too, an-and then I-I I just.. I just couldn’t.” Is the best, and only explanation I can offer. 

“Why did you try that alone?” Carli asks.

Hope doesn’t bother waiting for my answer. She has another question. “I know that sometimes you need Lindsey, and that’s okay. But why did you want Becky?” 

“I was nervous about how you guys would react.” I admit shyly, my eyes unable to budge from the floor.

“But why Becky?” Carli follows up, following Hope's lead.

“She feels the most closest to a Mom I guess.” I admit, feeling embarrassed telling them the truth.

“Kid, I know I can be a little high strung at times, but I promise, no matter what’s going on, you have two Moms’ now, and we’ll be here through everything. The happy things, the sad things, and the things that just don’t even make any damn sense. So you don’t need to go looking for replacement Moms’, okay? Because while I’m glad you feel comfortable with Becky, you can always come to us for anything.” Hope explains. I can tell she’s feeling frustrated, but she’s keeping it in check. I love her all the more for it.

“I think everyone’s had a long day.” Carli says, taking a long pause, staring blankly ahead before continuing. “Do you two want to cuddle with me before bed?” 

“Carli, Honey, it’s only seven.” Hope says, laughing at her fiance’s yawn.

“Fine then. A nap.” Carli says, sticking out her tongue at Hope, who sticks hers out in response.

I lay down in between Hope and Carli, letting Carli play with my hair while Hope rubs circles on my back. I know that the morning has problems waiting for me, but right now, sandwiched between my Moms’ who love me, I feel safe enough to leave it for later.


End file.
